Our emotions run a list in our mind,
And now we are blind.
Lost in a euphoria that isn’t what it is.
Creating a picture to hold us back.

No more i say.
It is time to fight those demons,
Take back our hopes and dreams.

We aren’t what our thoughts are,
We can be more than where we are now.
we are better than this.

Toxic.
Unreliable.
Untrustworthy.
Liar.

Yet I love you still,
You held me up while I drowned myself.
I crave your touch,
Wanting an ounce of affection.

I believed you were the second chance.
Turns out i ended up another romance.
Added to YOUR list.

“I don’t get why you’re still in bed.”
“You need to go outside.”
You need to do this
You need to do that
You need...

What I need is the thoughts of negative thoughts to leave me head.
Then I could leave my bed.
The struggle to force myself out of bed only to do nothing in the process.
My drive and will and are slowly decreasing,
It’s almost nonexistent.
I feel still and emotionally gone.
Nothing I do is making me feel better

Log on,
Be the character,
Enjoy another world unlike this one.

He said,
“Take my hand, give your worries to me and finish your process.”

I said,
“No.”

Happiness.
Serenity.
Peace.
All those qualities I deserve from someone other than myself.

Good memories.
Laughing all day and night.
Never time to think negative.
Every one of these actions I deserve from someone other than myself.

No longer will I feel worthless.
Despite where I’m at.
Hopefully this is my knight.
Fingers crossed this is right.

“But I do know one thing though
*******, they come, they go
Saturday through Sunday, Monday
Monday through Sunday, yo
Maybe I'll love you one day
Maybe we'll someday grow
'Til then just sit your drunk *** on that ******' runway, **.
But I can’t be your Superman.”

Oh how this could go.
One way it ends in your favor.
The other in bane.

Nervousness and thrilled.
Butterflies erupt in a way that haven’t before.
I’ve seen you thousands of times,
Heard your words.

So why does this feel different?
I do not know,
But life is a risk.
I suppose I’ll take another one on.

To think,
We meet people,
Only for them to leave.

If ever I was in trouble,
I could call you.
I was that day years ago,
In trouble waiting for you to rescue.

You never drove so fast in your life.
Even missed a couple classes with me.
We were mortified and I was devastated.

You held me while I cried.
You cleaned up the mess on the bathroom floor.
You put me to bed, literally.
You climb in my bed and held me more.

We never told a soul what happened that day.
Not even your cousin, my best friend.
We got caught by my dad,
Told him a complete lie.

We got lucky no one knew,
Yet I feel as it’s coming to haunt me.
My dreams are getting crazier and I’m hoping.
Hoping that who I’m seeing isn’t who I think it is.

I wake from my nightmares.
Nightly sweats and ragged breath.
Terror trembles throughout my body.
Scenes echo in my mind.

Then a soft touch to my back.
I turn to look at a smile.
Simple, bright, and honest to the core.
Hazel-green eyes stare through in worry.

I give a sly grin.
Turning my head, I cried.
Gut-wrenching sobs escape my lips.
Desperate to contain what’s inside.

There it was again though.
Her hand on my shoulder.
Her lips make out words.
Encouragement and sweet nothings, perhaps?

I hadn’t woke up.
It was a dream too.

I got ****** by friends.
I got ****** by family.
I even got ****** by the one who said wouldn’t.

I’m tired of all the lies.
I’m tired of being disrespected.
I’m tired of the false hope when it should be me giving myself hope.

I’m exhausted.
I’m defeated.
Yet I’m still trying to climb when I can’t even walk.

I’ve hit the bottom enough times.
I did my part of loving unconditionally.
I made it known I’m here,
Yet I’m still silent as ever.

I wake up with nightmares of you.
Yet I desperately crave your touch.
Your voice.
You.

I hate it.
I hate the thought of you.
Only because you broke me like he did.
If only you knew.

I love you so much though.
You are everything to me.
Which is the worst,
Because every day I love you and I wish I could’ve had the love I gave you in return.

My love,
My Sun and Stars,
My Second Chance.
Gone and I’ve lost twice.

The last three Valentine’s Day, I’ve been haunted by a beautiful figure.
An angel to the world we live in and the one we don’t.
The kindest soul to ever truly deserve a Valentine’s.

My baby girl.
My Lydia.
Breathtaking smile, long beautiful black hair, the curious thoughts she had.
My Lydia.

To pure to be taken, but was.
A whole 5’0 tall woman so enthused by the world.
A soul we miss dearly.

Every year we celebrate your life that you had with us.
Mine will always be our junior prom.
Truth is, I saw you every day neighbor.
I wish I could’ve saw you one last time..

One year, it was rectangular boxes with our names.
$2 cards for a pack of hologram puppies or superhero’s.
Writing out each name that was your favorite.

Another year, we are grown buying little shot bottles.
Gigantic stuffed bears and favorite candy to add.
A hope for a kiss for the hard work at the end of the day surprising them.

Yet every year it’s the same.
And I’ve been okay with that,
Coming to terms that I will never have the true Valentine I so desperately deserve...

You know what’s worse than someone walking away leaving?
Staring right at them and watching them leave emotionally and mentally.

I buy a pack every two days,
Thinking today is gonna be my last.
I’m going to quit,
I will.
At least that’s the thought process.

The **** of the cigarette is on my lips,
******* in the chemicals and tabaco.
Nicotine,
A chemical driven to addiction.
An escape for two seconds of inhalation.
The calmness of the chemicals coursing through.

A sweet disgusting escape.
A cancer stick if you will.

I was burned to ash only to rise.
Thoughts of the wise,
Love of the highs,
And lost of all of the goodbyes.  

You broke me down.
Not knowing you made the final blow.  
Leaving me on the floor.
Cold and alone.

I’ve cried until it was nothing,
Because I knew you were only bluffing.
My anger rises and I am hungry.
Fueled by angst and negativity.

No longer will I play nice,
After all it was you who turned me towards the next vice.
I know I’ll be fetched for a hefty price.

How far is your will to go?
To forget.
Any chance you find to use.

How strong is that will?
To do the unthinkable.
You take the danger, no consequences.

How long will you hold out till your mind turns on you?

The melody plays.
Transporting my mind to memories and vast emotions.
Singing the words I know all too well.

Lost in a trance,
My hips start to sway.
Every lyric touching my core,
Pushing out every emotion held in.

Feeling the love of country,
The hate from metal and rock,
Sadness of depressive alternative,
And,
Happiness of every favorite song played.

Bars and choruses played in perfect harmony,
Bass and snare in sync.
Theses are all happening at once.
A mini party of your own accord.

I will never understand how you can break someone who loved you.
Just loved you when nobody else believed in you.
Changed myself for you, lost my morals for you.
Stopped caring about me and my trama to hold onto yours for you.

I wonder what you truly think about at night.
Do you wonder how much it cost you?
Was I ever really worth it?
Do you understand how much I’m hurting?

You shattered what was left of me.
Anything I had left to offer was taken almost three years ago and you broke what was left.
Someone you said you loved, and you showed angst towards me.

My heart yearns for you still.
Your scent is trapped in memory.
I wouldn’t come back, I couldn’t.
You broke me and took everything with you.

Some days,
I hate you more than words can encrypt.
Some days,
I miss your arms wrapped around me.
Some days,
I cry to my heart’s content blurred by love and hate.

Even through these days,
I must remind myself you are no longer the person I’ve come to know.
A whole 360 of your life was flipped.

Knowing the person you are,
Hurts a lot.
You were suppose to be it.
The one to change my name.
All out the window.

If I’d know the whole truth,
I still feel like it could’ve been different.
Sadly though we don’t get those chances to see.
Not when enough is enough.
Losing the faith that you’d be different.
Gone.

The grass smells sweet.
The breeze blows a warm wind,
Leaves floating from the trees and ground.
A beautiful day indeed.

Lightly moving a hand side to side,
The softness of the grass giving a sensation Indescribable.
A conversation so just and pure as a newborn.

Feeling safe and unworried.
Moments of happiness in a depressed mind.
The one thing known for sure.

A glance down.
“Gabe”
Dog print
LCHS
GABRIEL ISAIAH DION MARTINEZ
In the arms of his family Mar. 18, 1998
In the arms of Jesus Apr. 08, 2018
Grey and black granite block with a black and bronze plate on top.

Her safe place.

I write to my content.
Making those tiny videos without shame.
Gaming at its finest and total conquest.
Watching what I wanted to.

Going for the morning walks with a pit Bull/terrier than never fails to protect me.
Sleeping more only to be awoken by a different nightmare.
Actually showered and cleansed from everything.

Then one message.
One call.
My world is turned upside down again and I’m lost again.
Hurt again.
Betrayed and wishing for it all to end.

Peace I will never be granted.
Clearness of thoughts will never be realized.
And my heart.
My precious heart has nothing left to give.

Stability.
Honesty.
Unconditional love.

Three simple things needed to survive this new found world.
An urgency everyone wants.
A partner.

Agreeing to disagree.
Knowing when enough is enough.
No escalation.
Peace and safety.

Alas these simple things aren’t so simple.
We tend to think selfishly rather than together.
How could you communicate if neither is listening.

Simply put.
You don’t.

Dirt and grim cover my arms.
My hair filled with natural oils from my sweat.
Eyes have dark circles on their own accord.
Constant screaming echos in my mind.

Tears soil my pillow from the memories gone.
Constant writing of “why?”
Wishing for an answer but knowing I can’t get one.

Who knew one person could **** up your whole mental.
Thinking they could actually be there.
Never once thinking of any kind of betrayal.
Sike.

Music transports me to a different memory.
Stuck in the moment as the song plays.
Blissful moments now gone.
To the many more final goodbyes..

It’s the same thing.
Constant doubts, thinking the other lies, overthinking and assumptions.
The ingredients for a perfectly great breakup.
Again.
I don’t know how this is suppose to work.
Me hating myself, you being upset because of what I did, and
us never trusting.
Lots of work?
Oh yes, quiet a lot, but because love conquers all we’ll be okay.
Except we aren’t and we’ve argued

You called your parents, told them to get you.
I asked you to pack your stuff, my dad was coming to renew the room.
We argued over your assumptions,
By then i didn’t have it in me to care anymore.

I let you continue your behavior of throwing things like a child.
Temper tantrum’s and screams.
Didn’t know I was with a child.

So many false promises and failing to realize the situation at hand.
Now here I stay trying to clear my name of the lies you told to “save” yourself.

I never wanted to hate you,
But never did I expect you to **** my life the way you did.
I wish you’d stop lying.
Harassing me in the false pretenses you have.

Maybe one day you’ll grow up.
One day I hope you don’t scare them like you did me.
Maybe you’ll truly love them the way I loved you.

I will see you in court the next time we meet.
And I will be anything but sweet.

You threw me in jail,
And I couldn’t get a bail.
You betrayed the one person who loved you for everything you had,
Just wanted the better for you before it turned bad.

Which it did.
I have to fight three charges of the lies you told.
I hate you and myself.
No amount of talking can fix what is done.

So as I sit here making these poems and trying to push past what I feel,
I sit there from time to time a cry about what happened.
You think it’s over the girl you messaged.

If you could only see past that..

I can’t believe myself.
Stooping so low for what?
For it to all be a joke,
A waste of time.

It hurts if I’m telling the truth,
As break ups do.
The official over and done with.
To read your messages one last time.

And turns out you just wasted my year,
Got me close,
And made me fall for you.

I chose you,
After everything I’ve gone through,
I still chose you.
And I wasn’t enough.

I can’t say it was a waste with full intentions ,
But I know one thing is for sure, I wish it never happened.

You were on one knee again.
I was about to say yes.
“Nunez!”

My eyes shoot open and I’m in my red jumpsuit.
I turn to look at the guard, he brought me the book I wanted.
Two nights ago that is.

The girls in my pod were joyous and full of life.
I just smiled when needed and tucked the book under my mat.
Then climbed in my cocoon to fall asleep again till court.

It was four o’clock when I read what happened.
Stabbing you and breaking your phone was the only intentions I had apparently.
Your real name pops up throughout the reading and I’m filled with rage, hurt and vengeance.

Instead I cry.
Screaming inside hoping someone notices.
My heart burned and crumbled.
All because I wanted you to leave and you couldn’t, wouldn’t.

I’m stuck with felonies to fight while you get to run around free.
I hope you never see me again and I to you.
Everyone was right.

I shouldn’t have went back.

I’m finally out.
From your lies you told the cops to have you run free.
I gave you compromise.
I gave you a home, not much but it was a roof.
I tried to give us a life.

I told the cops as little as possible hoping you’d do the same. In the end.
I was still the joke.
Apparently I stabbed you, broke your phone. The worst part.
I remember every detail because I couldn’t be drunk around you.

You hurt me in the worst possible manner.
You gave me a felony to fight.
Lord know I will fight.

I held on for so long,
Letting myself be bruised and cut.
Broken and left to myself, which was the best decision you made for me.
Which choosing what I do is what you did best.

I cannot tell you that I never loved you or prove my lie when I say I don’t care.
Truth be told, you were everything and so much more than I can express.

You were the second person I fell in love with. My whole soul felt at peace once again, attempting to regain what I could get back.
The love I gave was unexpected to say the least.

Since leaving though.
I can’t help but feel the weight off my chest.
Knowing I did my best to tell you what I needed.
And you wanted to keep hurting me..

Regardless of it being intentional or not,
You couldn’t catch yourself while saying it.
And I had to let you go.

Your intentions were like cold ice,
Except with a burning sensation going down my body.
A virus continuously attacking my soul, only to feed yours.

Sweet whispers of lies and broken promises.
The one manipulating was you and you forced your problems onto me.
Attacking my very life.

You never cared and I should’ve seen it coming.
Now I see you. What you truly are.
A monster.
Un diablo.

You’ll get what you deserve and I can’t wait to watch as you fall.
Thinking you’re a saint when in reality you are an archangel.
One of the fallen.

Cycles
You complain,
You are given advice,
And yet still complaining.

Rather than leaving it be,
Changing for yourself.
You stay around them.
All of the toxic chemicals circles you.

And you let it.
So I must sit by and watch you crumble.
Giving you lying praise.
That’s what you want.

You shown no different.

Boundaries are set.
Talks are shorter.
And I give certain people my attention.

The focus on me is surreal.
The want to be better.
Goals are finalized,
My spirit rises.

I won’t be stuck.
I watered the grass I walk on,
It’s only a matter of time till it turns green.

My heart is tight.
Chest tight
And I sit alone on these steps.
You’re leaving me alone again.

Is this payback?
My punishment?
I don’t know what to think anymore,
All I know is that I’m still getting hurt.

I’m use to it though.
So it’s okay.

One day it’ll be different.
One day I’ll stop pushing people away.
It won’t come soon, as hard as I try.

Stuck and lost.
Same routine.
A **** starter.

She doesn’t confess her feelings,
Her thoughts,
Or likes to even converse.

It’s not like she doesn’t try,
She can write it, speak it, and some times scream it.
But still she is dismissed.

Never actually heard.
Never truly seen.
Never to speak again.

So she’ll sit there,
Fake a smile and make agreement noise here and there.
But no one will hear her voice, because now she’s silent.

I always imaged what it would be like,
To love someone to such an extent.
Always there when you need them.

Sometimes I used to think it would flow like water,
A constant run through the rocks and moss.
Everything in place.

Being able to speak with ease, not lost in the tremendous amounts of questions.
Words coming out like silk,
Perfection.
No care to what they’d think, only understanding.

Usually though,
I think of how it would feel to wake up next to them.
The feeling of my head on their chest,
Arms wrapped so tightly to keep me safe.

These though are just the hopeless dreams of a small little girl.
Stuck in her world of amazement,
An illusion.
For now she is grown and knows, love doesn’t exist to those who became,
Lost.

You’re seeing red,
Bloodlust for hatred.
Absorbed in your own pain that you don’t see it.

Everyone around you is leaving,
And which they should.
They don’t need someone to be heaving around.

Stuck in your past rather than looking forward.
Yet the past has grown us to this.
Nothing good ever stays.

I’ll let you think what you want.
Instead of asking a question,
You’d rather assume.
That’s the best part

It’s time for joy and harmony.
Singing the classic carols we all know and love.
To be with your family and significant other.

My biggest joke of 2020.
To be alone on Christmas is nothing.
I’ve been through worse,
Not like anyone will ask for me or about me.

I’m suppose to be cheerful and bright,
But yet I’m doubtful and trite.
The loneliness I feel is indescribable,
My anger is consuming me,
Thoughts going about in my mind are toxic.

But you can’t run from yourself.

Tossing and turning in bed.
Stuck in my thoughts,
But when aren’t I.

These thoughts cloud my mind and I can only think of one to bring me peace.
But alas I left and now I lay still alone.
Looking at these blank walls I now call home.

Closing my eyes I hear the silence.
Others screaming down the halls.
A bed to hard for my back,
Waking up is a pain.

I’ve done everything to sleep,
Tried all the tips and tricks.
Still to no avail I continue to toss and turn.

I’m not scared you’ll leave.
I’m not trembling at the thought of you not being around.
I don’t fear the anxiety that comes with you being gone.

You’re quicker now.
Noticing more.
But also noticing less.
I see where I do stand.

I’m understanding now and I realize now,
This isn’t for us.
Love isn’t enough.
That was taken two years ago,
My belief for love.

I’m sorry, but you have to let me go.
Just let me go,
please.

I’ve always hopes to die in my sleep,
Lost in my endless dreams of wonder and loss.
Soundless.
Perfect.

No one would say something otherwise.
Or know for that matter.
Which is fine.
To be alone means less to hurt.

That’s the purpose.
Have less.
Hurt less.
Know no one.
Keep to yourself.
That’s the rule.

Thus dying in ones sleep,
Would be the perfect way to go.
Nothing more after that.  

No pain.
No love.
No happiness.
Nothing is just what I needed.

There’s a small voice screaming.
Begging.
Crying.

It sits on the floor,
Legs pressed to its chest
Screams.

Blood starts to run down its arms,
Never did I notice.
How could I miss such detail.

It’s dying.
Begging for its life.
Hoping for another chance.
But it never would.

The deed is done.

I knew all along.
I should’ve listened.
I knew you didn’t want me,
Just this idea of her that you see in me.

It’s always been her.
I knew it was, and I tried to push it before starting this.
But you had convinced me it wasn’t.

It was just a cover up for you.
You thought I didn’t know.
The way you write about her,
Talk about her.

Those seven letter and one word.
That’s who it was meant to be.
After all I shouldn’t be hurt;
I knew it all along.

I’m truly alone.
No one to be my rock.
My shoulder to cry on.

Nothing but an endless stream of tears,
Constantly running down my face.
The people I need the most can’t be there.

One is busy with family things.
The other is hung up on their bestfriend.
I cried myself to sleep last night.

No one was there to hold me; no one there to wipe my tears.
Truly I am alone

Do you understand how hard it is for someone?
The ability they have to conquer any situation.
To face not only the outside world, but themselves.

The toxicity of their bad habits clinging onto them for dear life.
Pulling and scratching to control,
Fight back with everything they have.

But it’s those days where they are able to win the fight.
The feeling of accomplishment.
Rejoicing in the ambience.

Thankful and grateful.
Now they keep going.
Forward.