Fight or flight.
Well with what’s happening.

I choose flight.

You know,
You’re pretty believable.
I was starting to trust you again.
Crazy.

Crazy to think I almost fell for it again.
Almost thinking that it would be worth it.
Love conquers all right?  
Lies.

One name.
Seven letters.
Perfectly capable to say for any human being but,
That human being is you.

Im trying.
I truly am trying.
When we are doing so well and then I forget.
She’s still around.

They may or may not have been lies.
I can’t tell at this point,
Just struggling to make peace with it.

I don’t know how to be okay with the fact that you love her too.
Both romantically and pragmatic.
Im doing my best.

I swear it.

I wasted your time.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Thinking anything would be different.  

I’m still trash and honestly,
Im so sorry for wasting your efforts.
You shouldn’t have to work this hard.

It’s suppose to be easy if two people love each other.
So why do I make it so hard..

To give in
Or to not.
I’m confused, my heart wants you.
My mind refuses to let myself give in.

So many things happened,
How am I suppose to let it all slide?
Is Love worth it?

I hate this feeling.
I wish I knew what I wanted.
I wish I could want you as badly as you want me.

Every time after we talk I’m stuck in my anxiety.
Lost in my thoughts as they flip through all the good and of course,
All the bad.
Watching everything go by like a movie.

My stomach clenching like I’m doing a plank.
Shaky hands and sweaty palms.  
For what though?
You can’t hurt me and I hurt you.
Going two different directions.

So why are we making these excuses to communicate?
Is it really that hard to let each other go?
Who knows but,
I don’t like it.

It grows.
We pick it.
Breaking it up.
Roll it, or pack it.
Smoke it.

The euphoria of this plant.
Calming the anxiety inside.
Clearing the thoughts to be thought of
Individually.

Light it up.
Inhale.
Exhale.

Everything makes sense again.
If it numbs me then by all means continue,
If not then help me grow like you do.
After all that’s just what plants do

It’s a place.
A whole different dimension to be anyone you want to be.
So many preferences.

Mine happens to be shooting people.
A special Battle Royal game of sorts.
With its unique techniques and weaponry.

A world of broken buildings,
Vast spaces to train stations,
And of course ring to drain your health.

The feeling of the controller vibrating in my hands as I shoot someone down.
Watching the bullets I shoot wiz towards my target.
Blood splatters as my bullet shoots their chest,
Arms,
Legs,
Head.

The true rush is being able to feel the anxiety.
The sweats of knowing someone’s coming after me as well.
Both on the hunt.

By all means I’m not the greatest but,
I have my days were I feel like I am.
I get my championships one way or another

I wished you’d leave me be.
I wished you’d stop trying to message.
Please keep your distance!

It doesn’t make sense to me, you tell me you’ll leave and never try again.
Yet here you are.
Why?

You message late at night before I fall asleep.
Then all I’m left with at the end of the phone call is emptiness.
You take my answers and change it to something different.

You don’t want my answers, you never did and that’s okay..
But why give you that respect of my honor when you lied from the beginning?
Oh because I did worse.

If it was ALL my fault then why can’t you go..
If I am such a horrible person the why can’t you stop messaging.
You said it yourself.
So go.

Re-learning how to live without will bring trials, but she’ll overcome them.
She always did.
She does it all on her own.  

She was broke way before you met her.
Absolutely exhausted.
Then you came along and made it worse.

But that’s okay. She’s anew.
Growing into the person she was becoming before you came around.

Don’t worry she’ll be alright,
And when the day comes and you see her.
You’ll know it was too late.

The final act of it all drawing to a close at last and freedom awaits.  
Feeling the air come back in my lungs as I stand in mind.
The spotlight slowly burning out, growing dimmer and dimmer.
But why?
My light should be brighter than ever yet,
It’s dark.
Everywhere I look is black and yet I feel contained?
But I was just about to be free..
what happened..?

I stand alone in my mind. A spotlight shines down on me.
Portraying what I am really doing.
Staying.
Lost.

I have no thoughts just an endless echo of silence.
Fueled by hate, pain and sorrow.
Which to feel first?
It’s not like I smile anymore.

My smile was beautiful, it was simple.
Though it was so sincere, content and pure.
If only I could smile like that,
Would I be able to get out?  

The world keeps moving forward.
Just like the seasons, pushing towards winter, everyone around is moving.
I’m stuck. I can’t move my legs.
In cement locked in place with no one around to rescue me.

A sense of hope beginning to rise,
Just as quickly as the doubts that run through her mind.
Lost and frail,
Looking for a sense of peace that was once kept.
You are the King.
And as such,
A King always needs his jester.
A fool.
So she played the fool.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t feel anything.
What would be the point?  
To be in an endless hope and stagnant love?

Im glad you chose her.
It makes sense, all signs point to her and I’m just
Me.

Nothing special.
Never was..

Shoot even for my little sisters party.
Still treated like I’m less.
But I should be used to it.
Right?

To think I almost ******* believed it.
Of course I’m the joke.
I hurt you so ******* bad and I’m the one making lies.

Funny how you can’t do no wrong yet when I bring it up,
Tell you how you’re acting,
We can just brush it off.

Last I checked none of your so-called friends gave a **** about you almost killing yourself the three times you almost did.

I was made the joke to care for you.
Worry about you.
It was *******.
So thanks for making me home

This feels stronger than before,
Which means the harder the fall.
Anxiety telling me it won’t be no different.
I try to push past it and sometimes I do.
Sometimes I don’t.

We know who was at fault for everything,
Me because i liked to start ****.
Which is true no doubt,
But now I’m terrified to mess up again.

I want this to be different so bad.
Hope is creeping around everywhere I turn,
But so does that small whisper once and while.

You think it’ll be different, but it won’t.

Merp..
now what can I think.
It’s scary, and I don’t want either of us too hurt.
We did enough of that.
I just hope I can overcome this..

I picked up a beer to numb it out.
Not to enjoy it this time.
Everything is built up and if I have enough to drink I know I can say the words I think.
Even then..

Alcohol makes my mind weaker than it already is and then I’m forced,
Forced to say what’s on my mind..
Because that’s what happens when I start off.

Then it spirals.

The worst of the worst thoughts.
Anxiety is at the max and all I can do is
Cry.

Llora por el hecho de que nunca podría tenerte aunque lo dejara a un lado.
Porque está hecho..

It is for the best,
I’m not good.
I can’t trust, listen or love.

No matter what I must do this,
Because people don’t change.
Me included.

You’re going to linger in the back of my mind.
How could you not?
I loved you.

Now that we are going our separate ways
I can’t help but be happy and proud of you.
You’re going places and I’m working on my ****.

You have the love of your life and I have mine,
In my memories and heart.
Yours so close and near to hold.
Truly glad we are getting it where it needs.

No more calls and texts from you,
I hope.
No more nicknames,
Even though they were cute.
No more saying I love you,
Because we don’t need too.
Not anymore

I finally did it. I deleted those pictures.
Everything about you is gone.
I’m glad, took longer than expected
But it’s done.

I finally sleep through the night.
Not feeling what I felt thanks to your lies.
Actually moving on.

So why try to message me.
That I will never understand

I wear your hoodie still.
The bulldawgs logo still in place perfectly on the grey colored scheme.
Keeping me safe.
My protection.

Crazy to think it’ll almost be three years.
Two years and 10 months to be exact.
Ever so often I wish it could’ve been different.

Even so you’re somehow still around.
Slightly haunting my thoughts and surroundings.
A faint whisper of my name echos in your voice.
The small sensation of your arms around me.

Every so often I do cry for you.
Yearning to hear your laugh and seeing your mischievous crooked grin.
You teasing me until we cried tears of laughter.

Some days I think you’re right next to me,
Pushing me forward and giving me a small nudge of
“It’s going to be okay scrub.”

Going down the roads we used to be on.
Memories of the great times and the bad ones.
Never a dull moment in those times.
Now only I can remember them.

You were truly the love of my life.
I couldn’t have been more grateful to have known you.
Thank you for loving me.

The sky is as dark as my heart.
I cause nothing but disaster and despair.
I don’t need help with being me down,
I do a good enough job as is.

The world is **** and I do no better.
All I ask is for pity.
A slap on the wrist.
Get out of jail free card.

Even with as low as I am,
I’d still never go back to you.
Ever.

I ruined you as you ruined me.
There’s nothing to take back, no way to fix it.
Just leave me be and I
Will leave you be.

One day I won’t have you in the back of my mind.
When I won’t wake up at 3:30-4 in the morning  hoping you’re awake.
Not having to cry when I think of all the things you said to me.
The lines you’ve crossed, never to torment me again.

I’ll be able to go and find someone who is truly worthy of me.
Someone to put as the blame wouldn’t cross their mind.
Being patient with me knowing how I am.
Someone to truly love me.
One day.

I wished you leave me alone.
Leave me be and let me wallow in the chaos we caused.
More lies you say as you twist my words.
I always want the last word though.
Stubbornness.
I have to win, but what am I winning?

I don’t understand why you keep coming back. You just won’t stay away, even when I leave you alone.
Using my poems to see where my heads at.
Knowing I won’t tell you.
And I never will.

I hate that you think we are going to be together when me and my friend know it won’t.
Thinking I’m here for pity.
Never needed it in the first place.

You can go and leave me alone.
I’ll be here, the same girl.
*****.
****.
Murderer.
Unloyal.
Hopeless.

I hate you. You made me believe every lie you created.
You broke me. You like to remind me that I am broken.
Which I know.
But I think you fail to realize,
Is that I’d take all the harassment, all the assumptions, and all the lies;
Just to show you..

That I am sorry.
I’m sorry for thinking I’m good with enough.
I’m sorry for the lack of experience in bed.
I’m sorry for being broken and meeting you.

I shouldn’t have dragged you into it, but also
I didn’t deserve the lies and assumption thrown at me for a mistake I regretted.
I didn’t deserve to read the true thoughts you had of Marissa.

Even as I sit here and write.
Trying to bury my tears behind a screen and scream.
You’ll be okay though.

Because I got the jail out of free card.
I don’t have “multiple personalities..”
I’m just the ****. A *****. ****. ****. Leg-opener. Yada. Yada.

Just the same ****.

Oh you’re back.
How was the trip?
Wait you need to do what?
You can’t right now though..
Really?.. that bad.
Well then.. okay. Guess it’s your turn.

Hi nice to meet you, we’ll get to names later.
She almost did it.
God you should’ve seen it.
But that’s done and over with.
No more you after all.
I’ve held her ground. I picked up the pieces. I saw her sink.
But I’ve seen her pick herself up. I watched her clean her mess. I saw her rise.
She thinks she needs someone and she truly doesn’t.
That’s why she has me.
Oh and I’m not good with names.. see ya.

It’s happening. The darkness. The old friend that enjoys my torment.
Driving me into my old ways.
Cuts on my wrists, thighs, shoulders.
Even work couldn’t distract me.

Failure.
Not loyal.
Ugly.
Disappointment.
Disgrace.
******.

Many more words playing in my mind.
Yes I have to destroy myself. What does it matter.
It doesn’t.
Not anymore.

I drove Gabe away only for him to die.
I drove you away only for you to be wrong.
You both never knew me at all.
All nights are shadowed by your memories.

All I can do is keep the blood flowing.
Until I can forget myself.

I can’t wait for it. New opportunities and many more people to meet. To kiss new lips and not think about you.
Finding someone else.
Because I’m a ***** and my legs can spread so easily.


To think I almost let you get the best of me. Taking a hold of my heart once more and ripping it into pieces again.
But it’s okay I was already broken.

If you knew what you were talking about,
I wouldn’t hate you as much as I do now.
I’m so thankful for seeing the real you.
So glad that I didn’t fall into your game.

You must be pleased with yourself. You won and there’s nothing left.
And now this is the part where we go.
Build up again.
Grow again.
Trust again.
Love again.

You told him he ***** me. That wasn’t the case.
Saying you’re doing it to protect me but in reality it’s you that your protecting.
Thinking you can meddle in affairs that aren’t yours.
You kept telling me to leave it in the past.
It happened.
It’s done.

So why couldn’t you?

Out of all the things you said about me.
To my face, your friends and family, it was *******.
Believing in something that I know I ruined.
Still never fails to be brought up.

Thank you though. You showed me far more than before.
I hope you know that this was it.
I hope you know that I did try regardless of your assumptions.
I hope you know that you’re not the nice guy that finished last.
If you were then me and your ex’s wouldn’t be thinking the same thing.

All will go well for you though. You can focus on your real girl.
The one you can’t truly stand to be apart from.
And I really do hope it goes amazing for you both.

Have a good one, goodbye

Our conversations,
it’s like a breath of fresh air.
Trying to hate you as we talk and I can’t help but look at you.
Your features on your face, one of my favorite things about you.
The way your eyes squint more so than usual. How your smile is breathtaking and warms me up. The sound of your voice is so sweet and pure. Your laugh is a sweet harmony of relief and strength.  
But I’m gasoline to your fire, wicked and influencing.
One drop and your flame brightens,
Except I poured too much.
Now you are a blazing inferno, a rage of fire licking up everything in its wake.

Using mistakes I made to help you heal
And letting you hurt me to help yourself.
Until I don’t anymore and I’m broken again.
Never not once thinking that this could be done differently.
It’s a clean straight shot to being okay for you and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to trade it.
After all I am the bad guy in all of this.
I have to regret it.
Have to hate you to be okay.
It’s what we wanted and I have to stick to it.
Doesn’t matter if we love each other.
We can never be as okay as we hoped.
You could just let me leave,
But I know you won’t or you can’t.

We wouldn’t have to be reminded,
We wouldn’t have to listen to each other’s accusations,
We wouldn’t have to pretend to not have any feelings just so we can play Superman.

I wouldn’t have to think that I’m the worst.

All it took was one break.
One text.
One meet up.
It was the perfect opportunity, to get back at someone you love.
A revenge of sorts.
It would work itself out.
Everything thing did.

Flirtatious looks thrown back at one another.
A small yet effective kiss on the cheek,
Then on her neck,
Making her singing into the night.
It didn’t stop there.  
Their lips locked.
His hands found their was down her body,
Squeezing places on her that was founded by someone else.
Her hand found her prize, so she thought.

He used her to his content.
They both knew what this was,
Nothing romantic about a hotel room.
Just *** and revenge.
Little did she know she had you in the back of her mind.

Every ****** made she said your name in her mind.
When he’d speak all she heard was your voice.
As he continued to touch her all she wanted was you.
Subconsciously she didn’t know she was pushing him away when he found her inside.
But why?

The answer is simple.
She wasn’t using it to get back you.
Didn’t need to have revenge.
All she wanted was to break herself.
To **** herself inside knowing this would be it.
Thanks to this mistake,
She did.

February 25.
I’ll never forget that day.
It’s the day you came into my life after all.

When you sent your first Snapchat too me,
I swear your smile is what kept me intrigued.
The way you’d laugh at my silliness and stupid remarks.
Constantly sending me something just so you could see me smile.

I love the way you look at me.
The way your dark eyes held me captive to every word you’d say.  
The love and affection in them always left me speechless.
Your eyes told me everything,
From what hurt you the most to loving me.

It was the way you played video games.
How you were so concentrated.
The way your face would scrunch up when you were in a battle to not die.
That night you stayed at my moms with me,
You whined waiting for your turn.  

The first time you told me you loved me,
I laughed.
I couldn’t even think it to be true.
Yet here you were.
My knight in shinning armor, the one to sweep me off my feet.  

Those nights we stayed together always brought tranquility with it.
The countless jokes we had, the days with Harley, and the many bonfires.
Looking up at the stars where you lived was out of this world, literally.
Laying on your chest with your arms wrapped tight around me.
Keeping me safe.

It was the way you’d sing to me and hold my hand.
When you’d write about me and things made sense.
Laughing at my clumsiness and telling me “You’re a dork babe!”
Making sure I knew that you loved me something fierce.
Reassuring me to the best of your abilities.

To think you made a 180 in my life,
And I hoped you’d be my second chance.
Also hoping I didn’t **** it up first.

Eventually I did.

Lied to your face again.
And I will allow you to think of “how easy it is for me”
Because I deserve it.
I deserve the anger you have towards me.  
Or not.
I prefer not.
I can’t say that I love you because..
I slept with someone else.
I retaliated in a way that disgust me,
But that’s as it should be.

To stay stuck and horrid.

Every ounce of hope and regret is being pushed out of my mind.
We could never be.
Not with that hanging over my head.

You forgave me though.

I still can’t do it.
How could I?
With what I have done, I can’t excuse it.
I need to be here where I’m at.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong.
I know you wished for me to be the me you wanted.
I’m sorry I allowed myself to be engulfed by you again.

Your mere presence calms my soul.
I’m at peace,
But it’s wrong. I can’t accept it.
Too much has been done.

Happy Thanksgiving.
The day of giving thanks for all we have.
And I give thanks that I’m strong enough to do what I need too.

You won’t bring me down with your atrocious comments.
I won’t allow you to ruin me more than I already have.
I waved the white flag.
I surrendered.
It’s not enough.
I have to be punished for the choice I made for myself.
Tell me how can you play the game if only one is playing?

No more.
I’m taking a stand and I stand for myself.
We are going our ways and I’m fine with that.
I accept my choice, but there’s no need for me to hurt anymore.

One football field. One game. One team.
One girl.
Keep away for a football, yet little did I know that it was for my heart.
Kid love, just thoughts of love. Kicking shins and tackles in grass.
Climbing trees, fences, and private properties.
Soccer games were a must, even the one she scored on his team. He says it doesn’t count. 13 years old and one guy makes me rethink life.

What she thought she knew.
What she thought love was.
What she thought one boy could do was nothing compared to the others.
Something was different with this boy.
She followed him everywhere he went.
She let him influence her thoughts, her emotions and her heart.
She wondered why butterflies erupted in her stomach when she looked at him.

Brown orbs and black rimmed frames looked back hers.
His eyes told her stories, wondrous adventures, and scandalous ideas.
He warned her, she chose not to listen.
He told her her the dangers, it didn’t matter I’d follow him anywhere
This was it.

Flash forward leaving child play behind us.
Yet we are still climbing trees, fences and private properties.
Snarky comments, egos high and hormones on edge.
New challenges to face for teenagers, new assignments, and new personalities.
My focus was still him, made sure he stayed happy with his girls and vice versa.
Wearing your jersey on those Friday nights. Only i wore his number. Number 66/67.
Him in the stands sitting in the perfect position to watch me dance. She showed him the whole routine for this reason.
This was it.

April 26, 2016
This time blankets are laid on floors and the sky was a vast space of glitter.
A special occasion before prom. Their last prom.
Hands were held, lips were touched and her body was taken to another universe.
Nobody around to see what they truly were, themselves.
They watched the stars, he brought my favorite chips, a gallon water jug and candles.
The candles couldn’t light because of the breeze we had.
This one person took a hold of my heart without me knowing.
Broke my walls without trying.
This was it.

Moves were made, distance struck, and the two were in different cities.
Late night phone calls were the priority and visits were placed.
The first person to welcome her home to the last person to say goodbye.
Always like that.
Except.
She’s invited to family excursions, and their talks were getting longer than they were. Serious conversation was conversed.
He moved her back October 8, 2017.
This was it. Right?

Wrong.  
I hurt him too.
Because that’s who I grew to be. Heartless yet kind. A monster yet an angel.
We stopped talking for months,
Until two weeks after his birthday.
He calls me, I answer.
I always answered.
He told her he Loved her.
She cried harder.
He calms her down, singing his heart out to make her feel better.
Making your side comments that I loved.
Little did she know it was their last conversation.

April 8, 2018
Here lies the body of a sweet man. A man who had stuck by my side even when told not too. A man who held my heart from the beginning.
A man I was suppose to marry.
A man who placed wonderful and hurtful memories across my mind.
A man that was everything to me, is gone.

I place a red rose on his casket, a kiss for the afterlife, and a complete wreck of silent cries.
It wasn’t it and now she’d never know what could’ve been. She’d be stuck and lost. Forever in their memory, an everlasting love taken too soon.
This was it.
The end.

I have so much to say and choosing the right words is
Complicated.
My heart hurts again. Just like the day two years ago.
Why?
Is it really that hard?
I wonder these things and I try to be fine to think.
But when I do my heart just breaks.
My chest tightens with the rest of my body and I am curled into a ball on my bed.
It’s all too confusing and I don’t know how much I got left. I don’t know how many tears I’ve wept.
I’m tired.
I’ve dodged too many punches and I’m out of breath. So I’ll stop moving.
K.O.

Goodnight my love, it is time to lay our bodies to rest.
I stare at the wall, every way I sleep, there’s a wall. And as I stare into this wall I think of the day that has gone to past.
You of course.
Unfortunate conversation, more lies, and trying to keep a distance.
Strange as it may seem, I enjoyed it.
Your name popping up on my screen.
The calls.
The bantering.
But, all good things must come to an end, just as the day does.
A ghost of a kiss I send to you tonight and an apology for the morning.
For this will confuse you some more.

The day is over. You can be at peace.
Play your video games, listen to your songs, watch your shows and just relax.
The plans you have will be in your dreams and your dreams will become your reality. Keep dreaming Mi Corazón.
You will know when it’s time to rest. Until then be at peace.

Now though it’s time too sleep. Close my eyes and put my head on my pillow.
Letting my mind clear of all things coming and going.

I inhale.
I cannot hope and I cannot let you get to me again.
I exhale.
Inhale.
I need to hurt myself to be okay.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Everything has a path it leads to.
Exhale.
Inhale.
I love you.
Exhale.

Goodnight my Sun and Stars. May you forever stay bright. May the force be with you. I hope your journey goes well. God speed.

It’s that time of a breakup.
Where you start to feel regret,
You get sick, you can’t sleep and no amount of ***** and drugs can get you out of being stuck.

Stuck, lost, and afraid.
What if’s and what won’ts.
To take another leap or move on. Even after all that’s happened.
How is one suppose to forget that.
There are so many thoughts going through my mind tonight/morning, it’s currently 4:35am.
If we could turn back time, I’d put my foot down harder.
If we could turn back time, I’d never would’ve broke again.
If we could turn back time, I’d never have swiped right.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me.
Knowing that you can push my buttons with every lie you make, telling me things of my life that never even came to pass.
It’s okay though because I see it now.

Hate, anger, and depression all seeping back in one step at a time and truth is. It’s getting me through this stage of want and need for you.
To think I gave you so many chances, to fix yourself, to be truly consistent with your changes, and trying to listen to your thoughts even though it would lead to arguments.

I will never get the chance to tell you how wrong you were for me.

I will never get the chance to tell you how happy you did make me when we weren’t being dumb.

I will never get the chance to say that I love you with everything I still have. The worst part about all this..
I could never go back to you.


You made me hurt and you keep making me hurt.
You tell me you don’t want me to hate you yet you say the most rambunctious things about my one person.
Lots of talk about change yet, this would be out biggest obstacle and you couldn’t handle it.

I just hope the next girl who is in favor doesn’t feel what I feel. Doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. Doesn’t make you think badly about yourself.
One who makes you feel so ******* important, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be her.

She cannot say she misses you.
She cannot say she loves you.
She cannot say how proud she is of you.
She cannot say all these things about you when it was...
Always tormented by the wrongs and always expecting them to be the same.
Her mental is guarded, her vision clouded, and her voice...
When she hears your voice her heart aches.
Reading your messages and seeing you cross every line precious...
Feeling beaten and bruised by the thoughts of their memory.
She grabs her head and screams remembering her smile; a smile only you could conjure up.
Yet even then tears still streak her face.
You caused her unbelievable pain, yet you did nothing but wallow in yours and accused her of starting.. things..
Things being thrown in a room and a door breaking down on her; glass littered the floor leaving twinkles in its wake.
She is back in reality, and her cheeks continued to be covered in tears

Same story, girl meets girl then girl turns into boy, April 6, 2020
Exciting changes, wondrous feelings, tremendous *** and so-called happiness.
  she remembers the way you’d hold her; the glint in your dark eyes as you’d kiss her, and her peaceful sleeps.
It would work out in their La La Land, she finally found the one who won’t hurt her because he is also broken and hurt.
Someone who would lift her from the ground after losing all hope that fateful day of April 8, 2018. To be cherished and wanted, with no judgement for her loss.

Lies, miscommunication, and distance July 08, 2020. Holes in walls, doors breaking down. Glass everywhere she looks, two rooms destroyed and looks of fear.
Alcohol is a killer and never to take lightly. Shoving and punches, knifes thrown and cuts on their bodies. This was the first time she left.

Cries of forgiveness, betrayal, distance, “please stay,” “I love you,” and apologizes.
Doubt crawled through her mind every time he spoke those three words. Him telling her how much she meant to him.
No amount of words could save her trust she had to rebuild, the love she gave during his times of destruction, the weakness she felt after that day.
Months of trying, never to satisfy her needs. Constant words of changes and no drive to do so. Being judged for her misfortune and never fully understood. Constantly crying, telling him what needed to be done.

A flick of the switch, morals clouding her mind, her self-worth pushing her out of dark, and her strength returned.
No remorse, no emotion, and no chance to speak again.
She’s gone from his world, leaving for the final time and not looking back.
Pretending to be fine when she cries in her room and is silent.

Now her pillow drips with her heartbreak, of her disappointment, and her dreams and hopes. she looks at his poems still, his glorious words put into words of his own accord.
she says there’s no evidence of their life, she lied. She goes through messages, photos, videos and cries.
No matter how hard she is trying she continues to try and she fails. she fails every time.
her “hate” driving her to be better without him. her fear of breaking down, keeps her away from him. He tells her he loves her still.. she breaks every time she doesn’t say it back.

With a snap of her fingers, she is back to the way she was. Her split feeling of hurt gone, emotions turned off for she can’t control them herself.

Understand
I could plainly tell you what I’m saying.
I’m screaming in my head for you to know what I’m saying, yet it’s never enough.
My words could be a simple as learning how to write. Voicing your thoughts onto paper and making them into words.
I could be in my bed crying myself to sleep and only to wake up with our call dropped.
I’m still hurting and I’m tired, you don’t make it easier for me; even though you couldn’t since you are you.
It’s all a ******* lie, no matter how hard I am trying, no matter what I do. It wouldn’t be enough. Ever.