I just needed to hear something
soft like
yellow from the lamp or
my love because
I can't stand the haunting hum of waiting
the anxious, ancient hour under my bone
half bent, ticking
picking my flaws like a hurt bird;
it is my time i give away
& unlike my heart
sadly stuck with me
i cannot keep, cannot get
these minutes back

Smile.

All you have to do is smile
So simple
So easy
When you feel sorrow
Grin away the pain
When the world seems like it’s ending
Let out a bitter chuckle
Just allow that smile to shine
It doesn’t have to be real
Let out a fake smile if that’s what you want
Smirk at the bad things in life
Sneer at the people who try to bring you down
Beam at the ones who make you feel loved
Laugh even if it doesn’t make sense
Laugh because that’s what you want to do
Laugh because you just don’t give a ****

I haven't been this sore or bruised in a long time.
And I kind of like it.

*For once, I can feel my every move, even if that feeling is pain

I've never felt better about myself than when it comes to other people

They're dynamic, unpredictable, something new
Crowding out the thoughts in my head
I plug in, connect, understand
There's light in their smiles
And I will do anything just to keep it burning bright

Yet, when it comes to other people, I've never felt worse about myself

A careless remark, a judging look from the corner of their eyes
And all the pain comes flooding back
I don't meet their measure
There's anger in the way they say such simple words
And my heart curls up and withers

Yet I would still do, give anything for them
They are a person after all
No matter how they make me feel


It's a dangerous world out there for someone who lives for others
And always says yes
But I can't lie
I sort of like the pain of martyrdom
It suits me
So I've got no right to complain

In the end, will I have even been enough?
Please let me matter.
Please let this matter to someone.
Because if this giving matters to someone, it'll have helped a person, and it'll, I'll, have been worth it
In the end

I didn't take the sleeping syrup last night
so of course I didn't sleep
My arms got heavy and my legs got stuck
I couldn't outrun the thoughts
left behind when my brain didn't remember how shut off
so I didn't sleep
But at least I got away from the codeine

I scrolled through some old pictures today
In my haze of exhaustion, I forgot that's usually a bad idea
and it struck me that
She was happy!
The girl in those pictures was happy!
I smirk and almost cough up a laugh

I'm not sure if even I know
why and when
the girl in the picture left happy behind and
Forgot how to sleep.

Living in a house full of go-get-em girls,
Of course I believe that the princess can stand on her own two feet
Get her out of the tower, give her a sword-
she can slay her demons as well as anyone
Of course, I believe that

But sometimes I don't want to be the hero
Sometimes I just want to stay in my tower and sleep a hundred years
And the excuse of waiting for someone to save me
Means I won't have to try to save myself

It's a shame, I always thought you were a rational girl. You've got to snap out of this. Now. They're coming for you! You know what you have to do.

*Pick up your sword, girl, and fight.

stretched, widening grins
plastered in red lipstick
and a smirk beloved
clapping heels and twirling skirts.

spilling red wine soaked into cloth
oozing smell of a cheeses and wood,
of cobblestone streets and cracking walls,

laughter, trickling down the brisk night air
the alleyway tight and sparkling,
the night alive with an affair
between moon and cuisine,
between human and love

My mom had run into the store
I was alone, for once, the car was still
I looked out at the side view mirror
And saw myself reflected there
I smiled at myself
But slowly the smile twitched from my lips
I looked the girl in the mirror in the eyes
And saw something crumpling there
In those dark brown irises
Promising me that even I did not know the depths
They would one day see
Overhead, the clouds shifted
And the mirror reflected back at me half shadow, half sunbeam
Something about the whole moment struck me as beautiful
Something about the growing darkness, the slash of light,
those eyes that tried to warn me
and the seat belt still on, strapping me in
Something about it struck me as real

To date, that moment is one of the few pictures I've ever taken of myself

I found it again yesterday
I wish I could go back to that girl
And tell her what my eyes have tried to tell me all along
You don't know how dark it is going to get
I'd say

And if she could, I like to think she'd ask
Is it worth it?

To which I would always, without any doubts, answer
yes.

As a little kid, my favorite game
was hide and seek
I've always had a talent for hiding
for painting over pain with sunshine
But it seems now that I'm meant to seek

We used to play games
with truth and dare
And while the future is uncertain, the past is locked in place
So let's turn back there
For once, I've chosen dare
Your turn

Do you trust me with the truth?

On Monday, I had a necklace
Yesterday, I wore earrings
Today, I put up my hair and put on some lipgloss

Superficial? Maybe

But if it reminds me that I'm supposed to be living my life, then it's worth it to me