I painted a girl out of sunshine
with brush strokes that glitter and play
And glow gold and pink and sweet

But I overlooked a few things in her making
Her head cannot pivot
Only move up and down
Nod yes
Yes, I'm fine
Yes, I can help

And when I painted her face,
I gave her a smile
The brightest, most heartfelt smile I could make
To make other people feel okay
But I never realized that meant she'd be stuck that way

She grins, teeth glistening
Whispers my mistakes,
I take a closer look
And find that the pink paint
is in fact the red of my blood
And the brush, my own bone
You'll give until your death! she smiles and laughs

Too late to un-create this destiny
It is all I can do to prop the sunshine girl up in front of me
A screen for others to watch a lie
And not the sad silent soul behind

While the sunshine girl does the living, the girl behind retreats to words, trying not to
Die.

I'm holding my breath
and trying to stifle my cough in my sleeve
So you'll stop yelling at me
that I'm scarring my lungs
and that you've got to be a parent sometimes

I wish I'd get healthy again, quick

in more ways than one
My brain sighs and agrees

another cup of coffee and a few more cigarettes
is all i need to replace the thought of you for a minute or two

I forgot how wonderful it feels to cry
To for once
Let these creeks flow freely from my eyes
To not hold back this bursting dam
To let go of this anger that builds
In the shape of shame
I will not be held back..at any moment
I will gladly open the packaging I was told
To never even touch
Starting with binding tape
Ripping apart the flesh of the box
God that ever confining box
And tear the corners that held it's shape
Until all that's left is a mess
A beautiful
Broken mess

keep ******* with my mind
i hope it rots you out from the inside
that is, if you have any shred of humanity left inside of that box you live in
keep playing the selfless and innocent roadside victim
your clean and pure palms are so deceiving when you hold out your hands
only i can see the dirt which lies underneath your fingernails
choking, and seething, lying
and you thought you could be my puppet master as my blood drips down the strings
i ruined the play that you tried to create
so wash your hands, and start all over again with a new and false pretty face

she is so beautiful
and she is so beautiful with words
her delicate fingers
and her ever-colorful eyes
deep and resounding,
people watching
taking in the details
that pass by everyone else
in the streets, lost among the crowds
and yet she sees

she is so beautiful
her face, her mind
her bravery, her insight
her soul
oh her soul

i told her that she is a rarity
she kept bitterly smiling
like she knew
that she was an outsider
to a world so cruel