I remember how it used to be
When it felt like it was just you and me
As time went on our world would expand
You were so far, I couldn’t reach your hand
That’s okay I’ll be fine on my own
Life's everything it should be, but still it’s so cold
The biggest part of me has nowhere to go
It’s hard to sleep
I thought I didn’t want you to know
Now these things eat me alive
The things I held in all the while
There should be a date when thoughts expire
When people just move on
And get over desires
I just love to feel good in the moment
So I don’t think about it over and over
I like to feel good every second of each day
Just to keep the darkness away
Just to keep a smile on my face
Everything else settles beneath
My skin riddled with scars and ink
You were everything to me
Now I’m running from memories
I never want to be close to you again
You don’t know who I am

And they say we're rude
But we're shaking in our shoes
Anxious "Hellos" and "Goodbyes"
Quivering lips dribbling "Thank you's"
And endless "I'm sorry's"
For breaking outdated unspoken rules
In old, weathered eyes
We're just young, disrespectful fools
You had your struggles
We have ours
Now you sit and nitpick
While our world's still vast and far
From waitresses juggling plates
To secretaries scheduling dates
Please be patient, just wait
In this moment, we're carrying all we can take

Your eyes roll around
In their tiny hiding slits
Lazily taking me in
Enjoying all of this
Stray strands of hair
Black as the darkest night
Hang over your forehead
Like a drape hiding the light
Your fingers search for something
Like a vulture soaring high
Swooping down to steal me
Creeping up and down my spine
Your skin is pale as ever
You're thin as a corpse
But underneath the clothes you wear
There's hidden strength of course
I know it well and I dare not defy
There's a spark of something in your eye
When your face lowers
Closer and closer to mine
Your smell intoxicates
My dizzy dreaming mind
I can't tell if you're my dissociation
Or if my dissociation is you
So I'll hold onto spinning illusions
And tiny peeking clues
I'll cling to the warmth of a body
Breathing slowly beside mine
I'll wish upon the silent words
Exchanged through lost time

I think of you when I see the sun
Shining so kindly upon everyone
Slowly dying, radiating love
You always keep trying
You never give up
All I want is to be like you
I still find beauty watching the moon
The sun that warms us is also a star
There are so many, so far apart
But you are the greatest
I need you the most
Stars are pretty ‘till they blow up in smoke
And then they’re gone but you remain
The greatest gift, you never change

It's already over
So just move on*
But God ******
It feels so wrong
You told me forever
And I guess it's been that long
I lost track of time
I can't believe you're gone

There's no fast forward
I can't find the rewind
I have no control
Over time as it flies
And when I'm in agony
It simply won't pass by
Slowing to a crawl
Dragging out my silent cries
Seems life's a series
Of fast paced slow motion
Before I can even reach out
I've lost a thousand moments
And when I finally decide
To give up on catching time
Something beautiful occurs
Before my very eyes

Can't breathe through this pain
Closed eyes it's still the same
I'm caught up in the summer rain
Constant hurt through season's change
Pressing nails into filthy skin
Ripping me open and looking in
Bitterness seeping
Pitch black betrayal
Silent tears stitched mouths
Inaccurate portrayal
Forked path no direction
Easy living but I'm still stressing
Forked path, left or right
Arms around knees tucked in so tight
I'm screaming so loud surrounded by waves
No one can hear me beneath this hurricane
They say it's temporary, only for today
But I'm walking on these coals for 100 years straight
Burnt up heels crunching bones
I grit my teeth, that's how it goes
Slashing exes in my skin
I can't breath
I can't breath
Just want to live
I'm dying
I'm dying
Will I see you again ?
It's all my fault
I'm ******* sick
Leave
Leave
Run away
Close your eyes
I'm so insane
Leave leave
Run away
I don't need you
I'm okay

Anxious words slip off the pen
How fast can I jot them down
Before they escape their den
The den of my mind
That's racing all the time
That can't contain all these ideas
For worthless riddles and rhymes
Sometimes I simply have to take a breath
And exhale these thoughts away
A predator does not catch
Every prospective prey

Drinking down words I never said
All alone with the thoughts in my head

I don’t really know
What keeps me from them
From all the bad decisions
And broken promises
I keep on running
Too scared to look back
Afraid that there’s something
When it’s nothing in fact
I look ahead
And run from the fear
I can’t see anything now
But something may be near

Sometimes for a moment I glance away
From the street before me on the drive home
Usually stuck beneath a light, gazing into the rain
Some days feel impossibly long
I keep singing last summer’s songs
If it weren’t for transactions I wouldn’t know the date
Between the mailbox and the bus stop I wait
Maybe I’m finally moving on
In the keyed up plastic I see myself
I can’t ask anyone for help
I know the way home I’ve been a thousand times
But it rarely feels like home once I arrive

I hate any man
That looks me in the eye
In the lobby as we stand
In darkness as we lie
I despise any man
That pinches my hip
A wretched hand groping past raw, silent lips
I hate the man who thinks he must be the one
Upon my thoughts non stop when it’s all said and done
Darling don’t you know you aren’t in control of me?
Darling don’t you know I’m darker than your darkest deed?
Darling don’t you know your ******* just won’t last?
Once I’ve gotten what I need another fool has passed
Darling don’t you know those nasty hands around my throat?
They’ll beg and plead and pinch my hips
Baby please don’t go

What you meant
And what you said
Unanswered questions
Fill my head
I feel so breathless
When I'm with you
Yet life's so easy
So what should I do?
Should I stay and succumb
To this fluttering in my chest
Or lay this youthful fling
To a cold, dead rest?
What you said
And what you meant
I'll leave to the stars
And hope for the best

I press my palms
Into my eyes
And whisper a prayer
Hoping to die
I drag myself through
Each miserable day
And whisper a prayer
To end the pain

There was a place
Near the heart of town
Beyond the gates
Where no one's around
Up a road
Beyond the trees
A place for the deranged
And children diseased
I've always heard it
Call my name
Till finally I ventured
Up one day
Muddy sneakers
Up the path
'Till the rotting building
Came into sight at last
Dancing shadows
Atop dead grass
Lonely, and hollow
Shattered glass
I swore I heard
Someone call my name
Louder and louder
But I wasn't afraid
Stepping carefully
Amidst the decay
'Till I found the theater
And rotten stage
Legend has it
The morgue was downstairs
And sure enough
I was rotting there
I found myself
Amidst the ruin
Could have stayed forever
And wandered through it
That was when I made a mistake
Soon after I left, the wreckers came
They took the farthest building away
And all the children, who called my name

I found a new love
It’s stuck by my side
It takes me above
The worries in my mind
I’ve thrown it away a thousand times
Thinking it was too good to be mine
It’s scary giving your heart a chance
Allowing yourself to be held in the hands
Of invisible fate that hangs over me still
I can’t control it, what’s bound to happen simply will
Life is so much better living in the now
Not worrying when, or where, or how
In this moment I’m free of guilt
I’m forgetting a million things
But for now it’s nice to just
Chill

I wish I could just
Crawl out of my skin
I hate the body
I'm trapped within
The worst feeling
Is hating yourself
It's much easier
To be hated by someone else
Because you can escape
Glares and gossip
But self hatred
There's no stopping
I'm trapped inside
A cage of despair
I'm a freak
At which everyone stares
It really is
Just all in my head
Either way
I'd rather be dead

A sexless marriage
A broken home
An empty face
Cold as stone
Nothing there
The love is gone
Yet why does it hurt
Moving on
To speak the words
Is to make it real
I'm so numb
Yet still able to feel
It hurts so much
Getting through to you
Is like walking on coals
On barefoot heels
I can't be sorry
For what I said
For so many years
I held it in
You said you felt trapped
Locked on the outside
So I gave you a glimpse
Into my troubled mind
I shouldn't have given you
An itemized list
It's Father's Day
And yet I gave you this
But in that moment
Something snapped
The smile I painted
Began to crack
And all my sorrow
Came pouring through
Even so
I still love you

Your words reminded me
Of things I couldn't believe
All those years it seemed
Everything was just a dream
Tried to be pretty
Tried to be clean
But everyone saw right through me
Caught in the illusion
Dancing through reality
Lost in the confusion
The wicked schemes
And through it all nothing's real it seems
Just the thoughts, the visions
The rest is heat
Lost to mysteries down desert roads
And summer night's breeze
Caressing sails of boats

I'm just an after thought
Pick up where you left off
Forget about me
Like I came in 16th
Hundreth in a marathon
Running through your mind
Tell me do you think of me
Even just sometimes ?
I'm dying in your memories
A dwindling fire
Till I'm up in smoke
A lost hope
A burnt out desire

Sitting on your bedroom floor
We opened our minds and closed the door
Opening up a crumpled foil
In porcelain boats we abandoned the shore
Sailing whirlpool seas, setting out to explore
These dizzy brains stuck in our heads
That whisper things
We wish we were dead
Time dripping like candle wax
Twitching oxygen in laughing gas
Snow angels in clothes on the floor
The world warps into a meadow of answers
A collection of open doors

How beautiful it is
The ability to live
Diving into pools
Of papers and clips
Hissing serpents slithering up the wall
Shape shifting into watchful owls
Soft beckoning calls
Water spilling in through cracks
Freezes in ice, cool and black
Thawing into toxic waste
Trembling numbers and calendar dates
Escaping my body through bursted stitches
I can still remember your name

I'm sorry for the things I say
When I'm not feeling like myself
I know I sound concerning
Expressing the pain I've felt
I just need someone to talk to
And you happen to be there
I end up pouring out my sorrows
And all you can do is stare
And I don't look at your face
But I know you're probably scared
Or maybe you look down at me pitifully
As I sit on the bottom stair
Moving my hands sporadically
Head thrashing from side to side
My therapist says I look schizophrenic
When I say what's on my mind

It'll start out
With some girl you met
That made you laugh
That sat by your desk
It'll be the beginning
Of the same old pain
That I felt the last time
Someone went away
I can feel it now
Though comfortably numb
It'll hit me soon
In the same cold rush
As opening the door
On a cold winter's night
How many more days
'Till I lose your smile?

I shouldn't have picked up when you called last night

I should have remembered when we had the last fight

I should have said no, we were both high

But you painted stars on my midnight sky

For a moment I'd forgotten the galaxies of your embrace

The tingling beneath my skin, blasting off into space

I feel your breath shrouding against my face

You smell like cigarettes and aftershave

You touch me and I feel like a queen

The stretch marks, the imperfections, you truly love me

There's scabs on your knuckles and a cut under your eye

But you're so gentle now, in this moment in time

Your hand leaves the blanket and finally finds mine

It's completely dark, aside from the moonlight's shine

Summertime sadness
Black and white spring
Budding flower's madness
Into oddly shapen things
Freezing suddenly into depression
Death in fallen leaves
Everything is backwards
When you're away from me
Dabbling in strange evils
Disregarding the cost
Without you in my ear
Darling I'm just so lost
Rotten flesh tied with ribbons black as coal
The thoughts in silent heads are something no one dares to know
Crooked fingers **** my limbs
Now I'm in trouble
I can't win
I was born without innocence
Stained glass eyes
Rose tinted sin
Swaying diamonds before my eyes
Crumble pathetically into lies
Everything I've ever known
The silent walls that watch this home
Everything that's ever been
It always leads to something like this

I've trapped you in my thoughts
Helplessly ensnared within my mind
We're wanderers, not lost
Slaves to endlessly limited time
I've trapped you in this moment
I'll never let you go
Your world will continue turning
But mine will start to slow
Savoring the feel of your skin
Memorizing every moment of this
Burning up in the heat
Of your existence against mine
I'll never get this moment back
I can only watch as it slips by
I'll never get this moment back
But when I close my eyes
You're here with me once again
Your warmth is by my side

Will I startle you
When you see me again
With fingers like twigs
Hanging onto a branch
Will you be afraid
To touch my skin
Thin as a sheet
Barely covering what's within
Will you gasp
When you see my face
Cheeks caved in
Eyes a sunken in disgrace
Will you even noticed
That I've changed at all
Will you even realize
How much of me is gone?

Let's not be people
Let's be watercolors instead
Just add some water
And we'll become
Yellows and blues and reds
Alone we're rather pretty
But joined we're even better
We blend to make a sunset sky
And fade into night together

Creeping silently out the front door
Inhaling the hazy summer night's air
Looking for excitement, maybe more
Shuffling down old porch stairs
Underneath the lamp post's light
The exhilaration hidden in the night
Like a swift wind we stole away
Looking for trouble masked by day

I don't know
What I want you to know
But I want you to know
Something
So I'll keep
Tossing rhymes about
Hoping you'll understand me
Who are you
And what am I?
Empty feelings
In disguise
As something much more
Than what they are
Searching for meanings
In glowing stars
Can't we just accept
That they twinkle and shine
Instead of wracking our brains
Wondering why
Just lay back
Under the sky
And for once
Just once in our miserable lives
Inhale the miasma
Of a world dying

The lights flicked on
One by one
They were so bright
Like a thousand suns
Closer and closer
Row by row
Knowing they were coming
My body froze
And finally the light
Poured down upon me
A mess of life
I couldn't speak
I couldn't move
It hurt so bad
Frantically looking
For a thought to grab
But it simply doesn't
Work that way
And the light just wouldn't
Go away
And suddenly an arena
Was built around me
I was on display
For all to see
A disgustingly pathetic
Reclusive freak
Their laser eyes blinking
In robotic sync
I'm hunching over
Head against my knees
Hoping to disappear
From these awful things
But such luck
Just won't come my way
So I'll suffer and suffer
Day by day
No one knows
Just what it's like
To have a hole
So big and wide
Right in the center
Of your heaving chest
Bloodying everything
You cherish best
A hole for wicked hands
To reach inside
And rip out everything
That keeps you alive
So I'll keep looking
For another soul
With stains of blood
Upon their clothes
And when I do
I'll reveal my own
The tragic flaw
That the anxious hold

If my thoughts consume me
I want you to know
I loved you
I loved you
I loved you so

If my thoughts consume me
And I disappear
I'll love you
I'll love you
I'll love you my dear

When my thoughts consume me
When I'm gone
My love
My love
My love will live on