Please be okay
I hope you’re alright
I can’t handle anything else
I can’t spend another night
Drowning myself in tears
Passing the day in sighs
Please just take care
Please oh please don’t die

I saw you last night
For the first time in a while
It was the breaking point
I couldn't fake a smile
Blinded by tears
I ran down the hall
I burst into the bathroom
And locked myself in a stall
I couldn't even
Manage to cry
All I could do
Was ask myself "why?"
Why here ?
Why now ?
This experience was something
I could have lived without
Finally the panic
Lead into tears
Slowly falling
Held back for years
I closed my eyes
But still saw you
So I opened them wide
What else could I do ?
It took a while
To finally leave
I called a friend
And sank into the backseat
I saw the world
Through different eyes
Tears making a blur
Of buildings and lights
I wish I hadn't
Noticed you there
But I did
And you didn't care

I'm hating myself
And I bet you're hating me too
If I can't love me
How can you ?

Sunshine peeks through gray clouds
Soon after the rain
And everything seems to wake up
And become alive again
It must be raining
Inside of me
Because even when things
Are bright and sunny
I can't seem to shake
The dismal and gray
I'm caught in between
Being asleep and awake

Being nice in this world
It doesn’t get you so far
It’s okay to be cold
Let the stickers on your heart
Encapsulate your muscles
Constrict your veins
If you never let it out
It’s only yours to contain
The agony inside
Crying out to feel
The laughter that hides
Saying it all isn’t real
I take black stickers
I cover myself
It’s easy to be bitter
There’s no one to tell

Can't see like everyone else
I've got holes in my eyes
And they can't be helped

Emptiness feasting on green, full grass
Everything succumbs to winter at last

Fitted with diamonds and jaded by green
Sweeping arms open towards sullen seas

To sunset on the horizon just boats away
Rolling into dreams and sleeps decay

These holes in my eyes they won't let me rest
I lie awake and gaze at the ceiling of red

What's just beyond me is impossibly far
It's distance is a bit further than my outstretched arm

And just when I pay it a moments mind
It fleets away into the emptiness in my eye

I want to be “honest”
But if I say
“I want to hurt myself”
They’ll lock me away
And leave me with the thoughts
That hurt the most
In my eyes it’s worse
Than voices or seeing ghosts
It’s a trap
They love to play
The “open up to me”
So I can lock you up game

I want to be strong
In all the wrong ways
You can’t please them all
But watch what you say
I don’t want to fall
Forget yesterday
I can’t worry about
The things that won’t change
If I’m scared to run
Then I’ll never fly
I’ll follow the sun
If only with my eyes
I’m not the one
Who’s obsessed with the night
Done hiding in darkness
I’ll seek out the light
Happiness is something
You must get up and find
I don’t want to lay down
I just want to fight

I can live without you
I'll always do what I do
I can't deny I liked you
Your lips were like a haiku
Small, sweet and delightful
When we split they became so spiteful
The words are caught up in my throat
All the words you once wrote
The silent love we never spoke
Disappeared along with the hope
That we could go back to the way things were
*But I'll never be able to get through to her

No one understands
And no one ever will
I've long since given up
Trying to explain how I feel
I'm so tired
I'm so weak
I'm currently feeling
A thousand things
I just want
Everything to pause
And give me a moment
To collect my thoughts

If you want me to leave
Then why would you tell me to stay
Don’t try and confuse me
You know that’s that **** I hate
I can’t wait till summer
When I can sleep outside
The sound of crickets chirping
A switchblade between my thighs
You know if I left
It would be the last time
So just let me go
If all I’m good for is lies

Kiss me with the warmth
Of Summer's embrace
Say you'll always love me
Till we fade away
Wrapping you up
In blushing lace
Tracing the smile
Over your face
Beneath my fingers
I feel your warmth
Into my prints
I love you more
Than all the things
I seem to collect
Than all the value
Around this bed
Hopelessly consumed
In worthless things
Hanging on to you
Beneath the sheets
My eyes find the window
Drifting snow
My heart wanders
But I'll never go
I'll never betray the home you've made
I'll never leave the assurance you create

Sunset stained lightening
On a melting horizon
Swaying just slightly
To the thunders vibration
Rain drops dancing
Wistfully circling my pain
I stand in the storm alone
Crying underneath the rain

Don't say you need me when
You leave and you leave again
I'm stronger than all my men
Except for you

Little round tops
On little glass jars
Little shiny needles
Sewing up the scars
Little white lies
Little black marks
Everything's small
But it still hits hard

Haunted by the possibility
That all the seeking hands
To ever touch me
Will never adore
Have never cared
Only for a moment
Will they ever be there

When the thought crosses my mind
That you might not even know
Just how the loss of you
Shattered my brittle soul  
I can't help suddenly cringe
And shut my eyes tight
Your love I tried to win
My heart wounded in the fight

It's no fun
To meet up anymore
I'm a broken record
A revolving door
I say anything
You want me to say
If you put me somewhere
I swear I'll stay
I'm an empty cup
Waiting to be filled
I take and take
Then tip over and spill
I'm that last leaf
On a tree in the fall
Everyone's moved on
But I'm scared of it all
It's no fun
To meet up anymore
The girl you know is gone
I'm a vacant lifeless corpse

And I love when you talk my ear off
Don't ever say you're a pest
I wanna hear you at 3 am
I wanna hear you stressed
I wanna hear you first thing in the morning
I wanna hear you before bed
Living in the absence of your voice
Is the loneliest I've ever been
You're never annoying
You never will be
So please oh please
Just talk to me

Concealed by
The smoke of confusion
You slipped away
Now I'm trapped within
This twisted delusion
Thinking that you still care
That you're still here
I know you're gone
But I can't bare
I can't handle
The very thought
So I'll just pretend
That nothings wrong

I'd like to think
That at least one time
As the mess that is "me"
Happens to walk by
That someone around
A complete stranger to me
Has turned their head
And maybe just maybe thought
That I was
P r e t t y

I don't know
What I want you to know
But I want you to know
Something
So I'll keep
Tossing rhymes about
Hoping you'll understand me
Who are you
And what am I?
Empty feelings
In disguise
As something much more
Than what they are
Searching for meanings
In glowing stars
Can't we just accept
That they twinkle and shine
Instead of wracking our brains
Wondering why
Just lay back
Under the sky
And for once
Just once in our miserable lives
Inhale the miasma
Of a world dying

I swore I heard my name
Called quietly behind
But turning to see empty space
I began to realize
Maybe it was
The quiet itself
Knowing how lonely
It is in this hell
Maybe just maybe
It called out my name
To let me know
That it feels the same

Let's go back
To the way it used to be
Oblivious to you
As you were oblivious to me
Let's go back
To the times before
When it was all a joke
And nothing more
Let's go back
To the way it was
When I didn't crave
Your gentle touch
When the little things
Were just enough
Let's go back
To before we fell in love

We'll melt out of our clothes
Like burning candles
Hopeless love flickering in the night
When everything feels so despondently wrong
You make me feel alright

I don't feel well
But I'm not sick
I've just got aches
And pains in my chest
I've just got some thoughts
Stuck in my head
It's hard to breath
It's hard to rest
Wide awake
Can't get out of bed

I’m so happy
Not worried at all
Grateful for things
Ignoring calls
I don’t like to leave the house
Unless my stuff is getting thrown out
I’m so happy
Nothings happening
I hear laughter
Talk is sappy
Nothing hurts if I don’t feel
Next time I’ll just leave at will

Thanks to everyone

Who's read my work

The hearts that resonate

With every word

Thank you for the feedback

And all the support

I feel the energy

From across the world

You all have inspired me

To keep moving forward

And lean on each other

To ease the hurt

Nothing I do ever seems to make sense
I'm just a fool with selfish intent
The things I like do nothing for me
Except get me so high I forget what it means
To keep someone's promise or show up on time
It's all I can think of, only thing on my mind
You'd think I'm a fiend when I'm all out of tree
Suddenly everything makes sense to me
The concept of family, having goals in life
They say it's what happens
Your motivation dies
It's inevitable, what your brain does
When instead of reading books you grow up doing drugs
"Your mom's a teacher you can't be that way"
"If you only knew" I just want to say
"Your dad's been there, can't you talk to him?"
It's hard to be an advocate
For someone who doesn't want to help themselves
Someone you thought you knew so well
Someone who was funny, and brave, and smart
From the rest they seemed so far apart
I've become the person I thought I'd never be
Nothing I do makes sense to me

Relying on numbers
And blank screens
We walk around headless
Mindlessly
Somehow convinced
That we know what it means
Yet we wander
Aimlessly

There'll always be someone better
Makes it so easy to just forget her

A bad smell lingered in the air
And reminded me of the beach
And suddenly I wanted to run along the shore
Just you and me
But who are you anyway ?
And why are you in my head ?
Oh right, you're just my imagination


The real you is dead

There's something lively
About your skin
Raw and pale with a pinkish tinge
It appears
To be well lived in
Laughing smiles
Ocean wind
The color of freshly
Upturned earth
Captivate me
Secret hurt
Lazily chasing
"Nameless hers"
Mystery girls
Different worlds

I had this dream
And you were there
And I was dying
But you weren't scared
I had this dream
That I was almost dead
But you weren't sad
You wanted me to rest
And I felt the warmth
Of your hand on my head
It was so hot it was cool
And I couldn't comprehend
But once I passed on
I truly realized
It was the energy of that touch
That kept me alive
I had this dream
That we both died
And in our graves
We both decided
To throw a party
With the worms
And ants arrived
In tiny swarms
I had this dream
That we were alive
And I was walking down a hall
Wishing to die
But my heart picked up
As I walked through the double doors
Because my eyes were fixated
On on that warmth
And the back of her head
Came into sight
Long dark curls
I almost sighed
In some sort of relief
I took a seat
It was lunch time
And I was beat
I had this dream
That I wasn't weird
And I didn't live in fantasies
And I wasn't held together by tears
And I wasn't weaving webs
Around my arms and legs
Then getting agitated and upset
When I couldn't move
*******
I had a dream
That there were eyes on your hands
And they were showing me
Some foreign land
Speaking in
Some foreign tongue
I now know to be
The language of love
I turned and grabbed
A safety pin
I opened it
And jabbed it in
The eye deflated
And began to bleed
And yet you still
Stayed close to me
I had this dream
Yet I knew I was dreaming
I still believe
Claiming to be done believing
Dreaming
Dizzy
Twitching
Life
Spinning around
Leaving me behind
Spiders crawling
Over my skin
Into my nostrils
Breathing them in
They're making their webs
Inside my lungs
They're laying eggs in my heart
Then I woke up