When I was a girl
Not too long ago
The hills rolled far
Blanketed in snow
The summer was hot
And full of strange life
Everything was so colorful
Bodies bursting with delight
In a very short time
I grew so old
Wrinkles forming fast
Misery in every fold
Incessant fatigue
Plaguing each and every bone
Sometimes I take the long way back
Yet still avoid our old home

I don't wanna
Feel my face
I can't stand
To feel the pain
The things that haunt me everyday
The things that refuse
To go away
The things embeded
In this rotting brain
Drowning in substance
Escaping down the drain
Into a void
Of thoughtlessness
I never "thought"
It'd end like this

I chased after you
In lustful sin
And many other things
Love's hidden in
I was a pawn
In your foolish game
You spun me 'round
Again and again
'Till I was so I dizzy
I could only speak your name
So many nights
Tears were shed
I hid my agony
In love instead
I chased after you
Blinded by stupidity
How were you able
To make me believe?
With a swift kick
To the backs of my knees
Falling
Falling
In love so deep

Feeling lethargic
Forgetting how to breath
Or simply forgetting
That breath is entering me
Slipping into oblivion
Yet still functioning somehow
Hypocritical *******
Flowing out of my mouth
I'm just saying what you wanna hear
I'm just hearing what you have to say
Slipping in and out on the floor
Dreaming the day away
Facing turning blue
Unaware of the threat
Looming over me
That is sudden death

Either way it'll end the same
You and I underneath lamp shades
Bashfully shining, beaming golden rays
I close my eyes and slip away
Exhaling slowly a cloud of smoke
Dreaming about the songs you wrote
Memories glistening against the sun
Our love is warmth for everyone
Billowing upwards in whitish haze
You're so perfect, I hope you never change
Wrapped up in the feeling
Not a care in the world
Just two shining twinkles
In the eyes of a girl

Staring into the darkness
Something stares back
Small pools of moonlight
Occasionally switching to black
Only to open again
And simply stare at me
This thing in the darkness
Is driving me insane
I tried to call out to it
I gave it different names
The eyes simply gazed at me
The thing silently remained
And in a fit of madness
I screamed into the night
The mirror broke
I was alone
The thing in the darkness was I

A month and a day
A hop, skip and jump away
Everything feels the same
But the clouds are threatening rain
Kissing the inside of my lungs
In the air moisture hangs
Clouds hiding behind the sun
Painting my veins in gray
The grass bows beneath
The water droplet's weight
Clouds shrouding, hiding fate
If we knew, we'd hide and wait
But we run, and blindly chase
Something better than disgrace
Tired of lying and being fake
Unraveling spiders and whispering snakes
Feeling free, sun on my face

Ragged breath
Raw lungs
Swollen eyes
Twisted tongues
Frozen feet
Confused hands
No one will ever
Understand
"It's no big deal"
I should just "relax"
But they can't feel
Their sanity snap
When all the sudden
A panic attack
Consumes you entirely
And takes you back
To everything that
You've ever done wrong
At the very same time
Thinking nothing at all
Mind blank
Yet swirling with thoughts
I'm far past help
I'm just so lost
The water's high
And I'm so low
**** my life
No one knows
Or they think
But really don't
I'm just a mask
Over brittle bones
And nothing else
Yet somehow I'm housing
An inner hell
The only inhabitant
Being me
And the invisible voices
That constantly scream

Cuts on knees
Band aids on fingers
Grass stained jeans
Small smiles beam
I truly think
Their smiles fuel the sun
So please don't stop
And cast darkness upon everyone

I found them there
Like diamonds in a mine
A pearl in an oyster
To a beggar, a dime
Nothing else
Was on my mind
Except the anticipation
Of release they'd bring in time

Seeking them out so adamantly
Driven by the midnights heat
Each foolish time she dares to believe
That they’ll wait on her hands
And bow to her feet
She’ll give them a little
They’ll give her a lot
She’ll take up occupation
In their hearts and thoughts
She’ll talk to them in a way
They haven’t talked in a while
She’ll tell them some things
That make them smile
And show their ***** teeth
As they rush to reply
Chasing ***** images
In their disgusting minds
It’s not the money
It’s not the bags
It’s the fact that she pleases them
Like no one else can
All of them
Like the rings on her hands
Like the manicured tips
Like the golden china fans
One by one
They drop like flies
As she becomes bored
How annoyingly dry
Their humor is awful
Misogynst and objective
And so she moves on
Identity protected
A silent killer
A thief in the night
She's not his lover
She's not his wife

When the drugs run out
And the thoughts are so loud
When no ones around
And there's tears on the ground
I lived for the moment
And died the next day
They take what you have
Then "friends" run away
When the drugs are gone
And you're all alone
And all the sudden
No one has their phone
And all the sudden
You remember that time
A few years ago
And it makes you cry
And there's no way out
No end to the pain
Completely sober
And so insane

Lifeless bodies
Pale skin
Dragging forward
Headless and limp
Blood pouring
From their open wounds
More and more
Fill the room
Completely cornered
Anticipating my demise
Too frightened
To close my eyes
Suddenly
As they close in
Their wounds begin
To split open
Flesh falling
Away from bone
They disappear
And I'm alone

Drinking down words I never said
All alone with the thoughts in my head

Waiting for time that simply won’t pass
Stuck inside your hourglass
You’ve got me on your pocket watch chain
There’s no way out
There’s no escape
Surrounded by clocks
Sickened by their sway
Waiting for the pain
To go away

Watching the orange sun as I drive
When we were young and unafraid to die
We didn’t want to figure out why
Just having fun and passing the time
Everyone asks us where it all went
Children are pure yet still long to repent
We hadn’t even done anything yet
Finding our voices and making friends
What’s too much and what’s enough?
If all we really need is love
Why do I keep searching for what isn’t there
It’s such a weak emotion, feeling scared

Wish things were different
But then they wouldn't be the same
You'll never live it
I can't forget your name
Wish things were different
But they wouldn't be the same
Wish I could trade my skin
But you wouldn't know my name

If you're happy one day
And you don't know why
I swear I'll be smiling
Right by your side
If your tears won't stop falling
Like lonely raindrops from the sky
I swear I'll do anything
To make you smile

I remember how it used to be
When it felt like it was just you and me
As time went on our world would expand
You were so far, I couldn’t reach your hand
That’s okay I’ll be fine on my own
Life's everything it should be, but still it’s so cold
The biggest part of me has nowhere to go
It’s hard to sleep
I thought I didn’t want you to know
Now these things eat me alive
The things I held in all the while
There should be a date when thoughts expire
When people just move on
And get over desires
I just love to feel good in the moment
So I don’t think about it over and over
I like to feel good every second of each day
Just to keep the darkness away
Just to keep a smile on my face
Everything else settles beneath
My skin riddled with scars and ink
You were everything to me
Now I’m running from memories
I never want to be close to you again
You don’t know who I am

I've lost the feeling of myself
Slowly decaying in a brittle shell
I'm so far from what was close to home
I lost the trail I made of stones
Dropping each carefully one by one
Along a desert baked by the sun
Now it's fall and I still can't breath
Am I even capable of being happy?

We only took a few hits
Didn't know I would slump like this
All wrapped up in lovers bliss
Hanging in the heat amidst
A million particles sent a drift
You always make me feel like this
Sitting low relaxed in a chair
Legs outstretched just hanging there
Eyes barely open suspended in air
Rolling backwards behind hair
Your hand hanging by your side
Melting in the moment, dripping into time
I feel the heat of the afternoon sun
Beating into me like a cicada's drum
Locking me into a lucid dream
Your eye meets mine, lazily
A single strand of hair swept down your brow
You're ******* me with your gaze, slowly now
My lips are still against your neck
Trailing down your woven web
You're creeping softly across these nerves
Knowing so easily you can make it hurt
In the haze of summer afternoons
I find the embrace under late summer moons
Sitting wordlessly by the pond
We slip away into cricket songs
Leaving only a bottle and a half bent top
Fireflies burning secret paths for the lost
Even now I close my eyes and can taste you on my tongue
I'm all wrapped up in hopeless love

Babies crying
Thrown into the wind
Morality dying
Drowned out by sin
Lawns getting longer
Grass getting greener
Wicked getting stronger
As all life leaves her
Her arms were open to one and all
Washing up following liberty's call
Everyone unwanted, feeling lost and small
Had homes and families, a reason to stand tall
Burning bridges, building walls
Pushing down the helpless, letting them fall
Proclaiming defense and showering bombs
Money hungry men can't admit their wrong
Why not just keep arguing? We have an army strong
Trampling over children in the arms of their moms
And finally when the "peaceful" country is ridden with war
There will be no one to protect our doors
No clean water, nothing to eat
You cannot consume green paper or greed
So let's rush to the hills, out to the empty plains
And try to live simply, blocking out the pain

Everyone's doing something
But it's all the same
I don't want people
To know my name
For the things that others
Think is brave
I want to run
And live far away
I'm so foolish
That's what they say
These years determine my future
Permanent stains
But maybe my future
Will be different from yours
Maybe I'll find
The farthest door
And find myself
In a universe so strange
So oddly different
From these monotonous days
Maybe I'll find
A life untouched
Where I can live and let live
And take just enough
And leave the rest
For whatever's there
Living upon nothing
Only to share
If a life is lived alone
Is it really lived at all ?
A life of my own
Abandoning the call

And all the gifts you gave
Couldn't mend my broken heart
You took me all over the place
Yet my head stayed at the start
You spoiled me with sweets
And I rotted to my feet
Flesh falling off my bones
For vultures to swoop down and eat
I don't care about wrapping paper
Or hundred dollar receipts
I wish you'd see
That all these things
Could never replace
Having you next to me

Maybe I'm just antisocial
Or too withdrawn
But being with family
Feels so wrong
Thanksgiving
Christmas
New Years Eve
All these events
These dreadful things
I love them all
I most confess
They're my family
More or less
But when I'm
Surrounded by them
I feel like
An alien

I'm so lonely
I want to cry
Tired of living
But scared to die
Everyone's got someone
So do I
But it feels so distant
Just teeth for miles
In the waving, dying grass
There'll only be nails
In the coffin at last
I'm so lonely
And sometimes I cry
Everything feels so distant
Teeth in the grass for miles

I can't feel my lips
Like they don't even exist
Eyelashes kiss my cheeks
Fluttering little lids
I feel warm and comfy
Like I did when we were kids
I'm addicted to the feeling
I wish it was always like this
When I'm not up I'm down
Like six feed underground
When I'm up I'm through the clouds
Ignoring everyone around
So absorbed in my own mind
Thoughts are tightropes strung in lines
I know the feeling will fade in time
But I feel the glow, warm and bright
I'm just so ******* pretentious
I just wanted to catch your interest
But you're just so hard to impress
You outshine me like an empress
I'll always be second to you
But one day you're gonna feel it too
One day I'll be the end of you
And no one will ever remember you
I hope you feel like a ******* fool
I hope someone uses you like a tool
I hope you fall into endless despair
Cause when you do I'll never be there

Sweet, calm, fear
Stinging in my wounds
I'm safe here
In these well lit rooms
Surrounded by people
Who care that I'm alive
Everyone's my equal
Just trying to survive
Morning routine
Laughter so sweet
Peace and harmony
Enveloped in winter's dream
I couldn't feel my heart
Glowing underneath my skin
Beating rays of light
Illuminating my ribs

I've got these ****** things in my brain
No one really knows that I'm insane
Cause they don't really listen to what I'm saying
But it gets worse
Day by day
As the ******* I spew
Becomes more concerning
And those around me
More discerning
I just can't
Keep it in
Cover your eyes
Don't listen

For all the wounds that just won't close
All the sorrows they'll never know
For all the tears behind closed doors
We'll drink just a little more

Ever since that last "date"
I can't seem to think straight

The light can't find us
Where we're headed
It cries out softly
Spilling into a shallow crevice
Light can't reach us
Where we're going
Abandoning everything
We spent our whole lives knowing
Unsure if we'll ever feel it's rays again
Beaming down on golden, suntanned skin
Where we're going
Light dares not to dwell
So to it's warmth
We say farewell
Hiding from the light
We abandoned our masks
And sink into darkness
Free at last

Creeping silently out the front door
Inhaling the hazy summer night's air
Looking for excitement, maybe more
Shuffling down old porch stairs
Underneath the lamp post's light
The exhilaration hidden in the night
Like a swift wind we stole away
Looking for trouble masked by day

Cuts on knees
Mistakes, misbeliefs
Bite my tongue
Till it swells and bleeds
Hiding words
Dancing dreams
I'd love you some day
You and me
Scars on legs
Dreams are dead
Dizzy wishes
In my head
Bleeding love
Silent tears shed
Sleepless nights
Empty beds
I love you today
I loved you last week
Your feelings were fake
Thought we'd always be
Running away
Future seems bleak
Into the shade
Rest for the weak
Closing my eyes
Inhaling the smoke
Exhaling consciousness
Up and out my throat
We'll never have white teeth
Like the papers we wrote
Stained in black ink
Spilling down the roads

I'm locked in a prison
In which I'm the guard
Brittle, tired bones
Are my cell bars
Along the walls of damp corridors
Echoes the sound of my heart
I've been trapped in here so long
I can see through the dark
Where shunned thoughts hide
In murky black fear
I'm not alone in this cell
Yet it's so lonely here
For the only thing left
To accompany me
Is the song of my mistakes
And my sorrowful heart's beat

If you can’t recall the past
You’re bound to repeat
If you don’t pick up the glass
You’ll cut your feet
Everyday questions
Aren’t too much to ask
Life’s many lessons
I keep coming back
I love to forget
And wander instead
I’ll wander into something
So much better one day
Please keep looking out for me
I promise in my heart I’ll always believe
These lessons they’re mine alone to keep
I can only hold onto positivity

I hang on too long
Arms go the wrong way
I guess I just want
The moment to stay
I hold on too tight
Fingertips pressed into skin
Clinging onto time
When will I see you again?

I think about the things
That are said to me
In quiet moments
Confided in with the belief
That it's just a simple fact
That it doesn't matter at all
I think about these things
For days and days beyond
Maybe I have
Nothing better to do
Maybe this knowledge
Connects me to you
Exchanges with strangers
Meaningless and brief
Stay on my mind
They never leave