I sat there and I wondered why I was not motivated,
Why I failed my tests,
why I was not doing as well as I hoped to be doing.
And then I realized,
all I was doing was sitting at a table and asking why and dreaming of going to the top schools in the nations and dreaming of getting straight As and dreaming of proved them all wrong and dreaming
Dreaming was all that I was doing.
What's the use of dreaming if you don't act upon your dreams?
You'll keep dreaming and life will go on without you.
You'll keep questioning and complaining about the education system but you won't realize that you don't do anything.
And then you wake up and it's April and you panic. Where did the past 3 months  go and you realize that you spent three months wasted in Dreamland, living a pretend life with your pretend As.
It was then I had an epiphany of sorts, in the mostly unlikely place,
a dingy car while half asleep joining the mad dash to school.
It was then I realized that I could change my future, and I could just do it.
I mean, I knew this fact all  along but I never fully understood it.
But in my groggy state and gloomy setting, I understood what it meant and I realized how easy it was to pick up my pen and choose to write that essay. I did not have to succumb to the voice within that told me to relax or watch videos.
I had a choice, I had a way.
How remarkable is that?

Okay, okay,
Enough scribbling
About old flames,
Old friends,
All the analogies to death,
E.R. runs, hospices,
Palliatives, Vision Nursing Homes,
Black gloves and lilies,
Suicides and terrorists.
Enough of that
Already.
Now,
What's left to theme about?
Just love.

Innocence is as pure as true love
As clean as a dove
As heavenly as fondue
A far cry from untrue
Innocence is the sound of the wind through the trees
But I sometimes wonder
Is it always what it seems?
Or is it not?
My love always said
It is what the eye sees and the mind believes
It is simply a game of hidden lies and pretty eyes.
It is a disguise for the guilty
A shield for the weak
Something rather oblique
A reason to deny
Innocence is nothing but a pure flawless lie

Because when I was 4, my mom told me that I could not like blue because it was a 'boy' colour.  
Because when I was 5, the kids at kindergarten made fun of me for my 'boy' hairstyle.
Because when I was 6, dad refused to buy me a toy car because it is a 'boy' toy. He got me a Barbie doll. 'Good for girls,' he said.
Because when I was 7, my teacher scolded my for my 'boy' handwriting.
Because when I was 8,after a bad fall, my mom lamented that I would never be able to wear a skirt, instead of asking if I was ok.
Because when I was 9 I watched as my relatives mocked my male cousin for cooking. "Leave it to the women" they said.
Because when I was 10, I was told that I ran like a girl. 'But I am a girl', I said. They laughed at my innocence.
Because when I was 11, I was warned my my mother that I would be too fat to be loved. As though his love had to be spread all over my fats.
Because when I was 12, puberty started and the acne set in. It was my mom's worst nightmare.
Because when I was 13, my mom reemphasised that I was too fat to be loved. I felt like ****.
Because when I was 14, I starved myself so that I would be beautiful. I did look like a 'proper girl', my parents agreed.
Because when I was 15, the stress of impending national exams got to me and my hair started to fall out. My mom prayed for my soul, and my scalp.
Because when I was 16, in the car 37 minutes ago. My mom scolded me for my acne scars, saying that I was too scarred to ever get a job, or a husband. Most importantly a husband.
Because gender roles affect us all, male or female. Stop labelling people.

this is just a self-reflection of sorts. I was looking bak at the first poem I wrote basically 2 years ago and I've realized how much I've grown as a person. I wish I still had my first account on here, where I was not anonymous but I had to delete that due to personal reasons. Upon thinking back to the circumstances under which I wrote my first poem on this account, I realize that my problems are actually smaller than I perceive them to be. At the time of said poem, I was facing some stuff at school that I though would be the end of the world but look; I'm alive and healthy 2 years later and I'm doing much better. I've just been too busy recently to write poems because I have some really important national exams this year that basically determine the outcome of the rest of my life.Thank you to everyone who follows me or who has read a single one of my poems in the past, even if you didn't really care about it or even like it at all because you were are part of this process of self-realisation and discovery that I went through and you've honestly changed my life 180 degrees around. I'm definitely much happier and positive than I was 2 years ago. For those who care (if any) : I'll still be writing poems as writing is my passion and I hope to do English or Literature at University (college) level, that is, if I manage to convince my parents (who seem dead set on me doing law) .

I wonder if you ever think of me,
I wonder if sometimes I'm the only one you can see.
Maybe it's just plain fantasy
But, I wonder if we could ever be.
But it's not as good as you thought it would be
because all the shards are on the ground but you choose not to see.

But,darling, we're stepping on the shards.
And we love the pain.
It makes us feel alive.
It takes our minds off from the pain within.
But one day, you could take the pain no more.
You left right out the front door.

Now the shards still take away the inner pain with physical pain.
Just, not in the same way.