I woke up at nine.

"Good morning," he croaked through vocal cords unused for hours.
She smiled.
"Hi," she sighed.
His smile was small, with eyes slowly blinking.

Well, **** me.

I guess it would've been
More acceptable
For her to leave you
Over pizza

Whatever.

Fine.

Is this it, then?

A salad with tiny bacon bits?

I wanted the bacon cheeseburger!

Rhapsodizing at
The end of my allotted
Four hours of sleep
Finally, my exhaustion
Gives way to
A strange,
Happy,
Manic Phase

I love that you
Are moved by
My sadness,
The tension
That spirals
Into madness,
Free entertainment
For my little
Audience

Are my tears
Pretty
When they fall
From my face
In the dim light?

Are my fears
Disturbing
When they spill
From my lips
Like an angry
River?

Am I
Somehow
More attractive
For my tragedy?

I can be
Your dangerous
Distant nightmare
If you promise
To fetishize it
From time to time

At least you listened.
At least you cared.
At the
Very least,
You didn't lie to me
Again.

So, you aren't him.
So what?
I'm supposed to
Save myself, aren't I?
It could never be
Your fault,
My misery.

Mm, but how
Good of friends
Your warm arms
And my cold
Waist
Could be,
Separable
Only by necessity.

If only!
If only!
If only!
I could ever
Have been worth
The trouble...

I'm just a hopeful
Little thing,
Aren't I?

A hopeful,
Demented,
Scattered little
Thing

During my endless
Crashing
Maddening dances
With pain
And exuberance
Will be
A light show
That lasts
Half the day

Dear River,

First of all, *******.

I found the letter you left in my car. "******* when you find this," you said.

I have a bad habit
Of falling for guys
Who SEEM different.

**** me, it looks like
You're not
A c t u a l l y
Different.

There are
Three things
Every guy
Has in common:

1. They lie
2. They cheat
3. They think they're somehow above EVERY OTHER GUY

I bet if I
Reeeeeally wanted to,
I could have your ****
And your heart
And your soul,

But your righteous
Indignation
"Protects" you.

Have fun with your good, Christian girlfriend. Have fun with your vanilla ***. Have fun with living for others.

I'll
Be
Miserable

Until I meet the next one.

And I hope you enjoy
The poetry
I write about him.

Last of all, *******.

Always,
Cydney

You were the song
On repeat
But I didn't mind

All along
Your goodbye
Was a sad crescendo

My dissonance
Rang clear in the night
To interrupt your aria

Maybe it won't
be so bad
if he hates me

But you thanked me,

And

The night
Wil end
As all
Nights do

I'll always be
In love
With you
<3

...what you thought was a frisbee turns out to be a boomerang.

Nonsense!
My relationship with
My Father
Alcohol
My Mother
My husband
My Boyfriend
And Myself...

They don't really
Matter.

But ask away!

I'll answer
H O N E S T L Y

As much as I try
To pretend that I'm fine,
I know that I'm
Not.

I wrote you a letter
That I might just
Burn

When
Will
I
Learn?

I could be
Anywhere,
But I wannabe
With you

What say you?

She's been a joy the entire journey."

I had a short interaction with a stranger, and I wanted to stay alive for them. It's over now, and I want to die again.

No.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Writing these stupid things keeps me alive,
And, ya know what? Kinda,
So do you
<3

If you
Are the reward
For misbehavior,

I will scorch the earth.

And the flies tickle my skin
As the last glimmer of hope
Drops from a stationary eyelid

She is dead.
She is dead?
She is dead!

No one to save her
Not now
When it matters
She is dead...

Take them with you,
The parts of her
That you loved

You know that feeling
When you suddenly
Lose all of your light
And energy
And breath
And h o p e
And m o t i v a t i o n?

I get it.
You just wanted my soul
in the form of my
lovesick poetry.

**** this
*******
I need a drink
I need ****
I need THE SWEET MERCIFUL ANGEL OF DEATH TO FINALLY CALL ME FORTH
LIKE I KNOW I HAVE TO BE PATIENT AND MY TIME WILL COME
BUT LIKE
*******

She saved me from the smallest box.
The one I'd been confined to for an* eternity. She smiled at me, and I desperately reached for her.
'LET ME OUT!'
And she did. She saved me from the hellish existence of the tiny box.
I didn't quite remember why, but I wanted to be

Outside.

But I had no clue what

Outside

Was.

I'd forgotten in the mind-breaking box. What did it smell like? Sound like? Taste like?
How could I get there?
She put me in a room
With a moving picture
Of

Outside.

I recognized the shapes and shades of it. Just a small picture of it, but recognizable.
In time, I moved throughout a maze of rooms. I learned about
The door.
I hadn't seen that on the way in.
When it opened, I could see it-

Outside.

I knew if I could get close enough,
I could
Escape
For just
A little
While.
One night, I did just that.

I loved night the most.
I could easily move around in the dark without being seen. Or heard. Or even sensed. I was part of the darkness.
She started to panic.
Did she think I would abandon her?
My savior?
No, but I would stay close.
She ultimately tricked me back into the rooms.
Her efforts to prevent my
Escape
Became more vigorous.
She would stare at me
For seconds
Before opening the door.
I would stare back, not challenging her.

My next escape was glorious.
Another person that wasn't her
Left a window
With a broken screen
Open,
And she wasn't in any of the rooms.
I slipped through the screen
And into the day
I felt the
Sun.
I remembered everything.
I wandered the grounds of
The rooms.
I climbed the wall
That separated a network
Of other rooms.
I was

Outside.

I was happy,
But I knew she would worry if
She returned to find me
Missing.
I went back
To realize
There was no way back inside.
The night was getting cold.
I scaled the wall around part of
The grounds
And found a small shelter
From the winds
And prayed she would return soon.

I awoke to the sound of the rustling of my small shelter.
Startled, I ran for the door of the rooms, which sat open.
She was warm,
And so I welcomed her embrace
All the more.

From then on, she trusted me. She knew that I could go

Outside

And return again
To her.
<3

For all of your objections
I have a fierce excuse
A desperate justification
A bribe
And a curse

The way you guide
The frenzied wanderings
Of my heart

Will surely make me
The next great
American poet

How did
A gal like me
Get to deserve
Having
A guy like you
Dangled in front of her?

What did I do
To justify
Your sweet,
sweet
Tortures?

That karmic force
Which propels me
From tragedy
To tragedy
Sent me
helplessly
To you

And I find myself
yet again
In a state of breathless
Wonder~
A moth
Reaching for
The deadly kiss
Of your deepest fire

Drunken on
Your words
And every
Drop of
Tenderness that
Poured from them

This is the state
Of my ravenous soul

To Hell, I'd gladly descend <3

how i wish someone would burst in and save me from my total lack of motivation to operate in this sphere

Oh, it never takes long
That rush
Of wind from my every pore
That leaves me
breathless

He appears
He appears
HE appears
And I am d e v a s t a t e d

He says something clever
Or wry
Or bizarre
I am his

If only he would
Want me
If only he would
Make me his

This one's new
The feeling, old
Familiar
And pungent as ever

Lay your flaws at my feet,
My darling~
That I may admire them
And you...

And I am trapped
Within the clutches
Of that beast
Born of my insatiable lust

<3

the world isn't designed for all of us, but hopefully we can find a way to exist in it

Boys and men
Love and lust
Pain and
SUFFERING
So much
SUFFERING
But it feels so good
Mmmmm...

Who knows
If
I'll be able to
Work
Tomorrow

All I know is

The world constantly disappoints me
And liquor
Only
Seldom
Does

Nowhere feels like home
When your heart won't settle
Won't beat
Won't swell or even thaw
So
I
Guess
I'm
Homeless

Mama said there'd be
Days like this
But some of these days
Are actually

Kind of okay

Just legitimately sad.

And the scars tell their stories-
The punk who ashed his blunt
On my back, or
The guy who bit my right *****
So hard it made a hole

So many pounds gained and
Lost and gained
And lost
And nights spent drinking instead
Of sleeping
Smoking and turning my
Insides to Hell

Exacerbated by the bad
Lovers
Are the aches and pains of
My body

Red eyes, dry and
Out of tears
Dark shadows of a
Disease
That he gave me
The best of
The bad lovers

And finally-
A somewhat-desensitized
****
From the worst lover of all

Me.