i shouldn’t have to look at old photos to
remember the bond we shared
and tape up fallen parts in this broken down love

spray painting the dirt green
cuz it’s easier on the eyes

******* in my stomach for the picture because altered me is the best me

treading everyday with a painted smile because that’s what a real lady does

never
entertain

slutty

women.
or

never eat spider webs
can work too..

i dig my nails under rocks to
hide away my time capsule
soon to dig it up again like an issue with a significant other that you choose to postpone until the worst time.
i put in a ring
a letter
and a picture of me.

i put it in a small cardboard box
right next to the eggshell my mom planted so
all that would be left is
the ring as time goes on
hopefully.

you returned from a long day and
i was at the table on the desktop rushing to finish something up.
without words you started to play jazz on the tv and you grabbed me
by the hand and with a little shake i’m up,
smiling
certain of my uncertainty of what was to come next.

we started to waltz like fools all around the sala,
passing over pillows
me not even caring that you didn’t take off your shoes and
then we kept on stumbling since you don’t know how to dance.

and then we fell back
onto this crimson rug
we layed laughing and trying to catch our breaths at the same time..
unsure of how we led up to then.


through the crimson door,
my father walked through
wondering what i’m doing laying by myself
listening to jazz
with all my love letters scattered on this crimson rug..
i think i miss you...

counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 1

when i don’t hear back from you i get worried
my heart gets hopped up on adrenaline
getting ready for all the crazy thoughts and
unformidable daymares to unfold in my mind
i brace myself for the unknown
my mind
that wild thing i never seem to be able to control




counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 2

i imagine you laying toy like on your glass dining room table
the sacred red syrup pouring out your jugular
staining the fabric table mats your mom got from a friend

it was a funny story




counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 3

i imagine
your mother coming home and the shrill shriek
that every weakling at a funeral breaks down to




counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 4

i imagine hearing about it
and taking my hair and cutting it all off

running until my lungs would collapse
making me cheeks sting from the tears that’d become frozen
escaping from my ducts
the same way you slipped through my grasp

with such ease
like
like..



counting tiles and the time we have left
pt 5

i imagine waking up that next morning
wishing you took me with you

my petite hands clasping the sheets above my head
trying to hide
from the inevitable

yes i’d never be the same.

she spoke rumors
thick as morning breath

traveled around the neighborhood
like wildfire

got cut off like a cancer


and forgotten like a new years resolution

you’re beautiful yknow that..
new interest whispered in her ear
in his whip that night
he leaned in and stroked her arm
she winced back
reminiscing exactly what that felt like from the past interest
who would hold her and
promise that he wouldn’t let go
until new girl came around

she pointed to stripes on her forearm
pretty aren’t they
he stared and counted 7 long strides
his favorite number
seems like a lot but i got some more..
  mk but like why
she didn’t say that this one was for the time she first tasted
love and how it tasted sweet to the tongue
but toxic to the core
didn’t say that this was for that poem that she heard at a slam
that hit a little hard
didn’t say that this was for the day she cried until her eyes rolled back
didn’t come to mention that
this was for the day that she was hurt by the softest soul
not that this was for the day she only saw red and made a
pathway for her demons to escape
this was for today
for attempting to jump back into the dating pool
only to get flashbacks of an old interest
this was for self loathing
only saying
you wouldn’t understand
   well i got something that you can understand girl
new boy leaned in
quite flustered
she shoved him and
hopped out his dads corolla as he pulled up to her
and threw her soda on her chest
stay warm baby it’s cold outside

and pulled off
leaving her choking on old fumes and built up tears.

why does it always feel like every time
we interact we are either:
laughing or
arguing.
With everything that i do,
you always have an opinion or
some input that just needs to get out there.
(to a certain extent you should because you are my father)
We never really
talk
since you're either at work
or you're dealing with the three other kids
or you just want to talk with mom.
And i don't blame you.

But i just got used to
not being spoken to.
i started to like it.
everyone minding their own business.
Now you're trying to change things up and
have me open up more.
And i hate it.
Its so..
unusual.
I close up and then we get into
another argument..

predictable.

it’s crazy how some people sacrifice themselves to a world that
doesn’t love them back

Yes I do still have your jacket
and
it does make me feel
'kewl'

He says it's impossible without him,


but it's possible.

I've been writing so much recently
yet

I still feel

hollow..

I love you


by saying that does it show
weakness
on my part?

"I'm a good girl that's only bad for you"


                                                          ­             "Well that's just tragic.."

Only you
had the power to
stop me
but you
never

did.

When you say
"I love you"

do you mean it..?



It seems so
practiced.

i don’t understand why you
feel so empty all the time
i came to my consciousness
and felt restraints on my arms
by entangled winter scarves
making it hard to shuffle from the
chair i was tied to.
and **** was he strong.

you wanna feel lonely
i’ll show you lOneLY
he turned on the hanging light a few steps behind him as i heard a rodent scurry behind me
this
right here-
he had a styrofoam ball from Michaels on the coffee table
i didn’t get it-
i let out a chuckle
im glad you find it amusing- see this is me
he pointed to the shadow
and this is you-
me of course the light you’d assume
you-wherever you go you
are the light that everyone sees-
yet you act all dark and sad and write about how no one cares about you
tears started to well up in his eyes and voice on the brink of breaking the way his heart did
but you ARE and you don’t see it
and i’m here-your shadow
he moved the light all around
there always being a shadow and a bright light shining off the 50 cent planet
and so-

he sighed a deep exhale and pressed his eyes in
you’re on punishment and until you realize that you’re loved you’ll realize i’m doing this for your own good
he started to shuffle around me and seemed a little conflicted
bewildered by his own thoughts
i whimpered through the salty sock
he clicked his tongue three times and stroked my cheek and ran his clammy fingers over my hair
you’re so precious
one day
you’ll understand
he pulled the wooden chair i was bound to
and brought me to the cold solemn basement
you’ll start to notice your light..
he said as he flipped off the switch
..when all you see is darkness

dear brain,

thank you for
giving us another day of life
it hurts when you hurt us
we didn’t do anything to you
face is beautiful the way she is
when hands hold the device
and you compare us to edited girls
you fixate on every imperfection until you convince us we’re inadequate but
when eyes look in the mirror
we convince you
we’re enough with mouth’s affirmations
we feel whole again after
dicing parts of limbs
saying you are deserving of all that is pure and good but there are but’s
tender is the skin that
still holds pencils to write poetry
and we want to eat
it feels rewarding when palms are allowed to wrap around utensils to sustain us
refreshing when stomach is full and glands produce happy hormones
please love us the way we love you


                                   from,
                                           body

and you kissed every scar i have
mentally and

physically.

long for me..
examine me..
reward me with your touch.

i’ve been such a
good girl..

anxiety hit
the shakes followed
and the snow was hitting the house outside
surreal almost
sounding like pop rocks
in a moist throat.

oh she wanted to be held by
the strong hands of inner peace
she layed in bed and
prayed for forever as well
as now.

the streams of tears from my cheerless eyes never dried..

i swore i had a dream where i walked into the bathroom
eyes barely open..
drowsily with each step i stumbled around the floor which looked more and more blurry with every passing minute..
i was in a room with unrecognizable faces
i kept hearing snickering and and little whispers that just weren’t audible..

i turned on both faucets to the highest pressure
splashed my face
turned on the light
looked at the wall and screamed

”which one of you think you can control me, huh?!”

i looked down at my feet
felt my heart racing
felt the sweat beading on my flushed face
and realized i was yelling at

the mirror..

save me.

you are a survivor
you are silenced because the color
of your skin intimidates the ones with
none.

your ancestors
your lineage
was strong
fighting everyday to get you
here
and this is what you make of them

that better place
all that fight and toil
to plant their seed and make a nation

for you to get here and their blood
just
to have a faint taste of freedom
to see you happy
blossoming
never succumbing to the the foot of a lesser one
you are
the rich fruit that will never cease
to bear fruit

you are

coldness
the absence of heat
so many lives lost
in such little time
needing video proof to show
it's validity
the absence of love
that manifests in our children and in
our children's children
repeating chapters in history books
blandness
the absence of flavor,
the cookie-cutter complexion-
thin but not too thin,
fair with straight hair,
but everyone wants a sprinkle of
brown sugar in they culture;
the braids, thick-lipped smiles,
the slang, the suave,
the culture is the thing to be in
this day in age but the people
aren't embraced as much as their ways are
darkness
the absence of light,
and we become greater
when we become more informed of
the ripple effect
our actions have and carrying such things out,
offering that person a seat near you,
making them feel welcome,
like they belong,
I don't want to have to be afraid if my grandpa
will be killed if he makes eye contact with the police
like Freddie Gray
or if my cousin will be killed for
walking home with a friend like Gregg Gunn
but we're here
fighting for natural rights
pleading to be treated unjustly
by those in power
fighting the same fight our great-grandparents fought
lifeless
the absence of heart
of joy, of impartiality,
we all came from a woman,
we all bleed red..

no justice..
no peace..

no tranquility..

after a long day of witnessing
sweet high school relationships
and fat teddy bears and chocolate roses
better go get myself some carnations
and let it sit in some water with black food coloring
and let the beauty unfold.

//

the longevity of our love is perpetual

that’s what it said on the card she
never received
at least..

“there’s gonna be a drill soon,
we need to take the proper
precautions
so that we can
survive.“

this is a drill.
seeing you with another girl.
you’re just testing me to see how i’d react.
it’s fine i’ll keep my cool.

this is a drill.
you practiced the look you give her,
i already know the routine-
look up slowly and don’t let her notice you saw her first
give her a small smirk that accentuates your right dimple and one raised eyebrow.

you would never hurt me

you promised,
is it really a drill?

i want to survive.

saliva
  subtly
    slips through
dirt stained lips

it rots on impact
substance grows with such ferocity
like the rapid popping of water on a hot skillet

it grew uncontrollably
it   slipped and
        she’d
            slurp it              up
                           back
if she could.

feverous wet lips
caress and glide against each other
relentlessly
inseparable
pulling apart but never apart
reddened cheeks filled with warmth and
desire
wild eyes feasting on seemingly natural inclination
she lies there with starving thighs
eat her up
something in him said
as he goes for the bite

you were so special to him
he attempted to treat you for lunch,
he took you on a date through the cemetery.
the place for you to be acquainted with his demons.
he thought you would understand that that’s just how he was.
he’s sure you weren’t uncomfortable.
you said you like-liked him

he put you up on a grey stone
but you didn’t kiss him..



why..

i wrote all the things that made my skin crawl first
started off with an ol' list.
-clipped nail remainings on a newly swept floor
-ads
-clingy people
i took a break and i looked out at the bustling people and the streets
and store windows covered in streams of red, orange, and yellow lights.
it was gradually getting dark out.
my cup is almost empty..

the truth was (is) i missed you
and i wrote of the things that bothered me
because not seeing you bothers me.
you make me so happy and we're trying this new thing that involves us being s p a c e d out and i'm not used to it.
me and you are so involved its like i'm not myself without you..
ugh that came out wrong..

i read through our messages from as early as december sixteenth to postpone a mental breakdown
in the car earlier and i giggled at stupid things you'd say but after
the happiness fled from me so quickly and i felt the muscles relax in my cheeks.

i wiped my supple yet salty cheeks with my chunky sweater sleeve
and i feel the waitress stealing glances of me in the silence
trying to comprehend what kind of pain i was going through.

i took my feet off the cushioned seats across from me and put my laptop in my backpack behind an essay and a novel i'm almost finished with.
put money on the chipped wooden table and put my orange rinds in the mug
and went off with a
painted half-smile and a
broken heart

Trato de guardar mi corazón cuando estoy contigo todos los días,
pero en vano,
me enamoro de ti una vez más sín esfuerzo



I attempt to guard my heart when I'm with you every day

but to no avail,

i fall for you once more effortlessly.

i get more sick
to my stomach
every time the
door opens and

it’s not you.

we burned violently in
brisk winters
and grew to ice in
beating summers
opposites do attract

Running, running.
Slamming the door behind.
Away, away,
from grief,
the sorrow,
the hate,
the embarrassment,
Away from everything,
locking the door
To hide,
To hide my shallow instincts,
but everything comes back,
Quicker,
faster,
I hear it knocking
at the locked door,
Harder, harder, and harder.
A quick flash of a black world.
A never ending world.
One that i can’t escape.

jeans ripped
holes bigger than the gaps we’ve taken from each other
space and galaxies and i only treasured you
a mere star
never visible in the city
for its luminescence outdoes your
shine but i always saw your
light..

love
you’re straying and
i’m not one to beg for your skewed light either

since when
did
sin
taste so
good my love..

It’s funny how after we decide we don’t like someone, we can find reasons to support our decisions and equally the other way around. That’s what I think was happening I got further in, I had already decided I liked nay loved her and progressively began gathering and threading together a daisy chain of little observations and nuances that tied her tenderly to me.

ay abuelo,

i never met you but
i feel like i have with the stories
I've been told.

..

you were the second man she took seriously in her life.
you'd drink and come home and break the china she worked hard to pay off.
you don't know the effect you've had on my father.
hes only met you once and
when he gets mad it gets overpowering
(must be in the genes)
he knows how to silence a crowd.
when he was younger, he'd look up to the tough guys that'd always win the fights of the neighborhood.

because of the lack of your presence
he found peace in the violence.

and now I'm torn since i want to meet you
but I'm just having a problem attempting to harness peace
in our silence.

even when wiping away tears,
I imagine you here without having to picture your face
just your scent
and it gives me a sense of comfort..

your scent is like a memory that will never fade
or be able to be wiped

away from my being.

It still lingers and
evokes a primal sensation through my spine y me vuelve loca.
The feel of your grasp at my hips and breath past my ear as you..
still haunt me
knowing that I still crave it after all this time.

Knowing that I’ll risk it over, even though I know I’ll fade away
into just a memory eventually..

how can you turn a blind eye
to what we could be

i grab your hands and make them latch on
to my thighs
thighs that could give
a dead man life and so i
took your fingers and
trailed them all over
the bumps
scars
stubble
and bruises
telling my story
all of what you don’t hear
choose not to see
yet feel
caress
and ******
to embrace without letup..

My fears are
1: my father hating me for an actual reason to finally blame me for
2: you hurting me because I don't care about anyone's opinion anymore thanks to you but yours is highly upheld and considered
3: accepting that I don't belong anymore and go to where I do- a place where people aren't visible or heard from anymore unless they left a legacy behind

All you said was that your fears were
1: the unknown which is evident because of your second fear
2: yourself..and what you are capable of

You are so right.

I think I'm starting to fear your fears.

she stared out at the vast openness of the
sea
so much and so little
as far as she could see
reminding herself of something too familiar..

she stepped onto the ledge of the
ever-sinking boat
and took a step into the ocean
to finally feel something
at last
to nothing
at all.


she looked so beautiful, vulnerable, and willing
all at once
as each air bubble escaped through
those blue lips

it wasn’t on purpose.

you were sitting there on the hill
so peacefully.
the gentle breeze convincing me that i
needed to accompany you.
you were examining the small stack of papers that
you saved from your therapy sessions.
i walked over and you heard my steps, tried to be subtle but eh.
you had your nilla cookies and a snapple..
it was simple..
you eventually got a brownie and another snapple for us to share.

if you take a bite out of this brownie, we can consider this a date

and with no words
you took a bite.

when i was four
id stand there in awe
seeing a baby cloud almost floating
from the ceiling
and so id chase it
and swat it when it got in arms reach
so i’d ball up my hands in fists and
unfold to find nothing
but clammy palms and pen marks

every
time




i was never good at attaining things
that descend from the sky..

and he dreamt of her day and night..
there was never a time where his mind
could take flight.
he fell asleep and thoughts of her were out of sight.
until she was there
in the middle of the field,
she saw him-
started running-
then came to a yield.

he saw her being dragged away by a force he could not see
maybe it was his mind fighting for a state of tranquility..
but no matter
he was happy,

for getting rid of her was meant to be.
he walked to the stump of a tree,
looked up and tried to catch his breath so desperately.
he turned around to catch some sense now
but saw
a heart engraved in the bark with the words
“you + me”.
after this he was in agony
suffering with worry really..
he realized with every turn she’d always be apart of he.
and in her he saw a missing piece of where he
was always supposed
to be..