Why is it that
the Sun is larger than the planets
but from where we are,
it looks so small?

or why does it look like I
only notice the clouds follow me
when I’m on the road
missing you..

but the thing is
we’re so insignificant.
The Milky Way we’re in is huge
but the universe is even greater
my head is exploding with fragments
of bone and grey matter.

protective styles
coiled with split-end balm
mantras
skate for 20 minutes
oil to the scalp after brushing
you're so beautiful
you're understanding
and grateful
we need detaching
to remember our presence
valuing life
fluidity and it's grace
piping lemon water
it burns the lip but it's good for you
leaving **** on the back of the tongue
valuing nunchi
mindful breathing
and not letting anything rob you of your power

Gigi,

life at home is
rough to say the least,
No it's hard
I know.
You didn't even tell anyone that you
graduated with honor roll
even through dealing with your mom.
You never got distracted
and I admired that.
That's a good thing..so why don't you want people
to be happy for you?

I gave you my phone number
at the last family reunion,

you never texted or called.
I try to reach out but
you push me away.
You insist on keeping your
problems to yourself..but I want you to burden me
if you feel like you would if you did vent to me.
I realize the moments that you let loose,
I see the real you.
The old you.
The you that never really left.
but when you realize it
You just start to close up again.

my mother admits that
my birth
followed by my siblings
hindered her growth
as an individual
as if we could've
kept ourselves
from leaving the womb
just a little longer
and now
she is stuck
learning about herself through
trial and error
mishap and reconstruction
of person
tearing herself down to
build us up and
she admits that her life
would not be bound
to the crumbling walls of this life
this current one
had she listened to the adults around
her had she chose
him
over my father

me and ‘buela finished
predicando
and we sat at the dining table
near the china
soaking up the silence
she made me use a coaster
for my apple juice carton
looked across the table as she
struggled to slurp her
ice cream of a McFlurry
while i desired to know more of her
what life was like as a
single mother
she’d snort and call me ‘estupida’
if i asked
in her bags i see
loud discontentment
a friend i’m not a stranger of
i hope to one day learn her story
before i read it on a
memorial program

all your demons have finally died
my love..

i got home in hopes of hearing
your voice,
until i heard some lady in
your voicemail saying that you’re not available
stating your number real slow.

i got home and took a long *** nap
no one came till an hour ago
and i was ok, not in the greatest shape but yknow
i was relatively calm.

within a 2 min conversation w my father and mother
i feel like peeling my skin off my skull
and sautéing it on a pan.

i really just don’t have the brain energy to
make sense
but

whTs new amirite

Got so quiet

When I needed rain
You always left me in a drought
So I went a waze
And chose another route
No longer have to deal with fears or doubts

im afraid to ask
If i died, would you still live..
you just might say no..

it was just a simple question

which led things back to how
it used to be

tense conversations
poker faces and
unreasonable conclusions

immediately after you want to sleep with me?

*** ok.

before i used to be quiet and i’d let you walk all over me
never voicing my opinion in fear of getting
beaten.
but things changed
and you’re not used it
you’re not used to me voicing my thoughts and
since it’s what you don’t
want
to hear..

we’re back to square one..


basically just
leave me @#$& alone

i made too many cuts and the ink ran
out too quickly

my heart was splattered all over the love letter
i was supposed to slip in your locker
like old times..
is cool though just another

sepia dream yknow how they go..

i only slipped into fantasy and i guess i just crashed.

time goes by when you're having fun.

i scrape out dirt that one
can’t see with the naked eye
from underneath my nails
out of anxiousness
desperation
needing to feel
the keratinized layers add
femininity to me
cleaning them out
twice more
nine times more
seventeen times more
i pull my hands away and stare
at the chipped clear polish and
savagely push back the cuticles

forgive me for i have forgotten what love feels like
tastes like
and looks like,
so even if i were to stumble into her on the street after all this dies down
i wouldn’t even recognize her
nor have the slightest idea on how to keep her

Dad says I'm
an introvert
Mom says I'm
pessimistic
I'm just really quiet
and reserved
I have my moments
when I want to be
the       center    of
attention
and then
when I want to be left
alone
Take long walks on
the beach
by my lonesome
It lets me set my mind
free
gives me
time to think
But when I see
a girl with her lover
or a friend with their
best friend
It makes me think
that even though
I like being alone.
I don't
fancy
being
alone.

ugh
its her again
the girl who walks with her head down whenever
she passes by
the girl that lets her wild and curly brown hair hang in front of her face
in her book with a fast going pen that if she were to lift her writing tool the lead would be sizzling.
she had a terrible face
a b.r.f if you will.
she always looked like she never had anything nice to say.
i wonder if she wished she was different
if she secretly loathed it.
(she did)
if she wished she could show how
happy she
possibly was.
(she did)
god if only i can see through her.
'lighten up'
theyd tell her with a little pat on the shoulder and a half smile
im trying..
shed reply in a low voice looking back into her book
i want to get rid of this side of me.
its hated by everyone i meet and i dont want to be judged by his side of me anymore..
if only i was shown how

i miss her sunkissed skin
and the way she'd attempt to hold back her
laugh whenever everyone in the
house was
sleeping.
i miss the way she'd look at me
all confused when me and
her mother spoke and glanced her way.
That conniving smirk.
She knew she could get whatever
she wanted
if she played her cards right.

Her teeth as white as my mothers porcelain doll
and itty bitty *******
with a rear that was particularly
grandiose
it was unsettling
yet her tan lines were
extra crucial.
Her thighs
the type you could use
as earmuffs
year round.
She had ******* of a dancer
Petite yet fitting her stature.
i miss her golden brown eyes that'd
glisten
and even when i’d be looking into the sunset
her pupils would still dilate when
looking at me.

she saw me and took me into her shrine
I worshiped her
with your smell on these petite hands of mine.
Saw me as the innocent kind
so things went fine
and we kinda just spoke our minds
talking about our demons dying in the nighttime.
when she'd give me an endearing look i felt the
shock in my spine.
it was eased with the aged red wine for most of the time.

then she said we'd only fall in love when the stars aligned.

so we hugged and
departed and with dismay
i wrote these lines to then read another day.

She left him
desolate
after countless months
left him with depression and
an aching heart
The real issue is that
he still loves her
after she moved on
he didnt
He has to suffer while
shes thriving
Hes stuck with the
emotional pain for her
his longing
for her
love ends too quickly
while heartbreak
lasts too long

when my eyes are
watery
that’s when i see the
clearest..









.

She could look into his eyes for a million moons.
His kind eyes.
The ones that have sunsets behind them when he looked into the dipping sun.
His vibrant eyes.
The ones that light up the night and any given day.
His bright eyes.
The ones that got really wide when he spoke about his day.
His loving eyes.
The ones that would roll back when she'd say she didnt like how she looked.
His passionate eyes.
The ones that awed her writings.
For his eyes gradually grew cold and all he could feel was bitterness. His reassuring eyes.
Were the ones that helped her through.
But she was no longer precious.
In.
His.
Eyes.

Everyone has a hero
Girls look up to their mothers
Boys look up to their fathers
sometimes viseversa
We always learn something from them
positive or negative
his father was supposed to be his hero
to save the day in times of distress
but his hero vanished
he didn't learn anything from
his hero but to
vanish when people need you
the most

the uber ride felt longer than it was
the motions of the words that unraveled from his mind
rolled off his tongue and out onto the vulnerable open
fear of judgement only meaning the best
he said.
he didn’t want to hurt
he wanted me to see
open my eyes and look past all the puppy love-
if it’s worth investing energy into another soul..
i tuned out and imagined i was still with you
that night at the amusement park
when you held me- wrapped around my right hip
and you leaned and whispe-

do you even hear me..i’m sorry if i’m upsetting you

after the breakup
her heart worked even harder
being that it was beating alone now
no assistance
no butterflies
just involuntary body members
trying to sustain the equilibrium

if only youd notice me again. what i did was wrong but when i steal glances of you in the silence, old memories of the word 'us' would start to flood in. and i miss it..so so much. usually im happy with my emotional state but when i see you.. i start to regret all that led up to now. i wish things didnt have to play out the way they did. im so sorry they did. something had to happen it was either him or.. you. and i chose him. thinking about all the bad that we went through. letting it shadow over all of our good times together. i miss the way youd laugh and then once your laughter would start to die out like the flames that you once started in my heart, youd simply smile and look at me and id feel like you could really see through..as if for one more second you could really make me never see another again. so many- so many feelings and i dont have words to narrow it down. i guess you could just say im rambling now. i guess im not making any sense now..sorry..again.

i could say
she knew she would suffer.
she had what he wanted and she gave it to him.
little did she know she wasnt the only one thats been fooled.
she thought he was the one to be there when she was hurting and when she wanted to be loved.
it was just a hit and run.
she felt so complete when they spoke.
she tries to busy herself now with hobbies..but everything she ever enjoyed doing was with him and if he wasn't with her she was thinking about him...his warm touch.

it went through her like voltage but still soothed her of her pain that she hid away for only for so long..
how he’d caress her after a long day and wanted to show her the beautiful things that she really lived for..
starting from her shoulder
ever so slightly stroke her neckline going over the necklace she always wore
and down to the small of her back,
creating slow
circular motions.
to add that extra touch, he'd then hold her jaw up just right
and lean in to whisper in her ear
all the things that sounded too good to be true.
too practiced.
he did this before
she knew it.
one red flag.

his breath sent shivers through her entire being
but wouldn't say anything since she refused to give him the satisfaction that he desired.
he knew the game too well.
he knew what he was doing to her.
one of the many red flags that she purposely chose to ignore..

she’d gasp as if trying to consume all the air whole
yet it just wasn't possible..
she thought it wasn't possible for her to fall for such a man
but it happened.
it happened and she regrets not listening to the red flags that she picked up.
now he's off.
promising another girl a night of her life.

my pale palms were up
catching the scorching tears that
snuck out of its ducts
with my head faced down
impressionable and ill-hearted..
for it seemed like i
had no choice earlier but to


run and look for answers




-what have i done

this life
is a feeling
a speck in time
we follow generation
after generation
seeking something more than what really is
we mend broken pasts and
make broken futures
never quite finding that ray of
perfection
this life we sit in trains and
look at the graffiti on the walls
wondering if this is all that
this life stores for our next generations
while lights
flash in and out
and we travel underground
like worms in earth’s dirt
we are uninvited guests
in this life
land taken by foreigners in exchange for
trauma that will never fade
we claim land though
not being able to create in the first place
diffusion of races like
dried rice and seasonings
mixing colliding and supposedly thriving
from the ground up
this life
leaves us no joy
but robs us of certain happiness and we
are taught that
in this life
only the successful will make it
only the corrupt will make it

love is such a distraction
leaves you dizzy
unexpectedly you fell victim
like a child becoming drunk
after consuming
sun-beaten grapes
something we crave and
hate at once
sickening we can’t look at a
garden and not think of their beauty
outweighing that of the mere
botany
not being able to look into a reflection
without seeing their smile
the blurring of the façade you
try to uphold
stripping you vulnerable
and needing reciprocation-
to a cycle of broken lovers
could haves
should haves
would haves
the waves will still crash
the rocks will still erode
the wind will still blow
and you’ll never get
that time back

trembling
holding the desired tool
her hands were trembling
ice cold
looking almost inhuman
quaking like a knife was placed in her hands and
she had to either **** her love or
herself.

she did it to distract herself from the demons that were
scratching and ****** her from the inside just needing to come out some way.

so she was generous enough to make a vertical pathway for them to escape.

i fell in love
with his mind
the way he spoke
the way he cared for
our people
the way he seems to genuinely
care about the words that
trailed off my lips
like sugar on the rim of a martini
you’re his favorite part
he can taste it
we sit side by side
while i wish we spoke
and you continued to engage
the way you do-
you fascinate me
maybe it’s the hispanic female
in me that pictures us telling our dogs
how we met,
you loved my writings
and as soon as you spoke
i fell in love with your mental
but in silence and sporadic click clacks
of keyboard keys
do we coexist and think of
we

how even
poets
come to a loss of words when describing
what love is like
and how you seem to make my life
go round even when it seems
like everything's crashing?
When I'm upset when you tell me
the things that go wrong in your life
and I'm incapable of helping you,
like family complications
I start to cry

I know I shouldn't..
I get all worked up with the things
I
can't change..
Im working on that..
You always say your stupid jokes
and it's crazy you make
everything
better.

"Love may oftentimes seem cliché
especially when we hear ourselves overuse terms such as:
'I love you to the moon and back.'
So what to say or better yet.. how to say it?
How can genuine love..the real kind.. the kind that isn't always happy and wrapped with a bow be expressed?"
but it's true.
I really do love you.
And even though I'm young
it doesn't mean
I don't know what it feels like..

by each day
i grow more and more
envious of every glass and
mirror that gets to smile back at you..
while i can’t seem to muster up the courage
to do the same..

Eventually
he came across a potential alternate source
of light.
Only to see himself falling for the same thing over again.
Into a deeper pit of darkness still in search for light once again.
He then knew after some time
that he would settle for black

he became desensitized to the pain.

you’re trying to refine the picture

but in the process,
things are just getting more
blurred.

so what do we do
now that we’ve established that things are
staying
pixelated?

nose drip like leaky projects faucet
i speak in poet because you never
liked my writings
the mouth
lips
tongue smacks on gum making sound-
articulating words
speaking abundantly from the heart
for better or worse.
eye ducts and nose lining share the same
mucus membranes and
they drool as i feverishly pen this
my mouth
speaking what i see
withholding all of which i refuse to
my lips feel the way
you withhold truth beneath the tissue layers
drawn doll-like cheeks
a close to perfect wolf
enough to deceive the lambs not knowing
of their awaited devouring in a mere
2.5 seconds.

i never take advantage
of being able to
peer into your welcoming eyes because
it reminds me that in the midst
of dark
there is always light
and i feel your heavy heart
but tender hand tighten in mine
dreams and reality
we blur the lines
in actuality
yet everyone confuses
love with lust
but it's clear to see
the way you stimulate my mind
effortlessly
you were meant for
me
and there's no place we'd rather be

taking walks on this chilly evening
on w 45 st with a caramel wrapper in my back pocket
thinking about the old crushed valentine
i placed next to the waste paper basket from my ex saying
she realized she wanted to be friends with
a pack of chalky Sweettarts taped behind it.

taking walks
realizing i could've done things differently
like put the pieces together.
realizing she became more distant progressively for some time.
she was cutting off communication more and more
like it was a tumor..
as if if our love developed it would've been
cancerous.

she was just protecting herself..

she pulls up to school with
the short jean skirt that she begged
her mother for
with knee-high socks and tall white chucks

she’s got an
overripe peach logo on her
faded off white shirt
which she tucked in after she got into homeroom..




this was it
the first year..
only three more to go..

i dance to the
sound of your voice
like old heads to 90s dancehall
while swaying with shandy
there's an indescribable love
an underappreciated love story
i meet you outside the brownstone
except its not a brownstone and it's
an apartment in the P's
and you see me holding flowers
except this time around i couldn't get the flowers
but with intentions of getting flowers,
your favorite, and
we hit it off and you become
the love of my life and we do it all over again
until i wake up

its unusual
the earth said to the girl in a gentle voice through the breeze
unlike others that trek though my valleys
and wade past my streams..
your tears are sweet..
confused the girl looked up from the grass blades
wiped her cheeks with her sleeve
and wondered why that was so significant..

you're home now.. you don't have to run anymore.

and she looked past the hill as a tear went down her cheek
and it was true

she was home again

and her tears were sweet.

i fell for someone who couldn’t commit.

Venga told me to meet her by the rock
of peace
the rock in which we can reside
it's cool there
                            shhhh
it's cool there
thick mist surrounds us and we don’t speak
just see each other on opposite sides
deep dark waters surround us but we
keep our eyes closed so we won’t
see each others' tears absorb on our blouses
we avoid vulnerability because the feeling is so raw
pain entering in an unwarranted fashion
wading about within us breaking down what was built up
with great effort trying to push out that agonizing discomfort
with incense, scriptures, and poems
Oh my!
and the pain never leaves
just eats away at our rock
begging for it to stay intact
praying for it to not erode
forcing us to progressively
crouch then squat
stand then tippy-toe
and we gracefully anchor to the ocean floor.

diced yuca
cornered off
three keys to everything
coconut oil
salt n pepper
mixing them in a circular motion
like dominoes
look at the other 3 around the table
and sneer
¡ capicú !
separating diced pieces from the whole pieces
hispana blanca y la negrita bella
division of countries
mix of peoples down generaciones
en el barrios where all our
cultures are
mixed
intertwined
and diced
not exactly sure what
puerto rican is anymore

now that my tears have subsided and
anger has swirled down the drown the drain during my
hot shower,
i can say that
i miss you.

not in the way that i usually do.

kindve like i feel your presence here but you seem distant.
like how we were both in a room and you were just on your phone
leaving me in an awkward position.

are we still the same kids who had long calls from the night to the morning-
going to sleep and waking up together?
are we still the same kids that brag to our friends about each other?
are we still the same kids and if not-
is that wrong?

if that makes sense
sense
sEnSe

my head hurts
can you kiss my forehead more often..
don’t be a stranger
there’s a lot of surface area so could you please..

i refer to them as brain kisses
it helps soothe headaches
your energy transfers through your
gentle loosely-puckered lips and dilutes the bad energy
that’s stored in the front of the brain
you’re top of mind
help me