I saw tonight
Chests wide open
Waiting for me to grab 'em
Like fruits juicy and inviting
Electricity flowing

Beds of hair
lying on those chests
My pants are quiet
But my mind is already shaking
I could feel it in my bones
And then i got dizzy and cold
Lost myself, lost ourselves
(A lower, non upgraded version of me
All the **** I used to be, trapped in non-me
The one I was before all this)
Suddenly I broke down
Into the cheeks of my forbidden? lust
I saw tonight life
Opening its lids in front of my eyes
but I also saw
all the toxic fumes i used to have

I am getting away from death
But death is faster than I thought
I don't wanna be lost
Not again, not more
God don't let me die
Drown in a pool of lies
Drown in my own piece of inherited land
I wanna see the light
shine so bright

[And live in soiled beds
And never pay attention to what they say]
Björk will save my soul
Surely selling my soul will do not

Do I want to be with you?
Bunch of faces that I die for
I am the daughter of a strange race
Struggling hard to find my place

So uncomfortable, yet so wanted
All the things today I felt...

Poetry of the subway
Struggling to find a path
The dark, cozy path
Leading to the heart.

Alex of the twilight sits in front of me
In the twilight of his days,
just moments before his sunrise
-I bet-
And my soul is spilling as well as his
I don't know which way, though
He is opening his ******* soul!
(It took a shipwreck for him to do so)

His hair is long now
His heart is widened
If it only happened
some months before
But
no use in crying over spilt loves

And I am trying to push away
all the things brought back now
You are not dead - you are dying
Everyday and everyday, decaying

But I'd lie if I say I am deaf to your tones
To heal the wound you opened
that I stitched on my own
the scar is there
and this is stitching for its sake
it's opening the scab
to bleed once again!

You changed so much
yet you I can't trust
I flipped the page, why can't you?
I said hello to life
So my extra baggage I waved goodbye
You keep stuck to my side

Alex of the twilight, I am here, I am here
But this time - not what you think
I wish you good, even if good
is built upon our shipwreck -
that's kind of a truth
Life is not a line you can draw
life is a crazy sketch of torture and fun
and if you are lucky and smart enough
you can see the underlying pattern!
Yet it won't be the mind
opening the doors to your eyes
Life I can't measure with words
I'd rather do, do, do
and write while I stroll through.

Oh baby I love you much
Oh baby you love me back
But yesterday
I snapped

I am Carl Sagan - cannot hide my love for your stars
You are a wizard - keeping our magic inside, bottled up

I felt like crying in the street
Over the songs you used to send to me
You make me shut my mouth about us
I am Carl Sagan - a mouth I open too much
I am like a child, cannot hide my smile

*You are growing up, you are growing up
Don't let anyone make you steer from the direction you really want
Where you heading to? The stars, named after us

He liked the Pixies
and noisy rock as much as I do
but oh he could not
make me feel like you

His name is Alejandro, he is
the Swede from San Fernando
blue eyes and 2 meters tall he is
but oh he couldn't beat
your brown eyes and the glasses
and the shiver when you take them off
and kiss me strong

He was the prediction my parents made
a vegetarian lover that does care
and messages me all day
but my parents never read
my future too well
(They have good intentions
but they see no further)

He was a dream
He talked to me, but something's amiss
Something! - you are not him
He was not my dream
not the dream sweetly crafted
by God for me
not the dream I carry simply being me
are you, dear?
I only have these feelings to prove
and if that's the proof
then I'm ******* sure you are His/Her design
But that's not why I love you
I love you simply because...
you are you.
because of us

Be aware of the wires
isolating your soul
The wire is only a tool
not somewhere to hide
You've been hiding your whole life
Until right now you saw the light
The september moon makes me mad
But I help myself swim the tide

I buy my own tales
I fall for my ****
No matter what happens
I will always find a bad omen
on it

If the moon is darkening
my canvas this time...
Death is lurking in the shadows I know
It's been months I feel her close

Be aware of the wires
that tie you like tight rope
and seem to come from your true heart
but how to hike this landscape
without all my untasty vices

I feel so stupid
I feel so out of place
I feel so out of myself
Careful, careful with health
Careful with homeostasis
It surely kills if not handled well

I created this paradise
and now I feel weird on it
It's still mine, still nice
but there is a little yet itchy catch
that leaves me bitter while I write

But maybe it's the september moon
a wheel of fortune
in evil hands

Now you slip in and out
of mental states and thoughts
that you can't describe
but surely are breaking you up
You'll win in time
you can never lose that game
you never lose the bet
in life

Some bury themselves in parties and drugs
other bury their head beneath their pillow
to choke their selves to death
Yet we are somehow the same
"No one makes it alive", they say
So don't blame us, we are just trying to cope
and it will never ******* stop
Adolescents - take no ****
from us adults - that forgot how we used to
bleed

Some take a path wrong - others simply stay home
Some wither because they just don't know how
All of them scratching 18 with their nails
The world lies there, but you can't fetch
Crotch about to burst in trampled on desires
unacknowledged life and shine under the teenage void
And I stopped being one of you years ago
But I can feel still every word
And I know you cannot die
in the same way that neither can I.

watch out for the small vital treasure -
your heart
your ***
your soul
Do not let them bite you off
unless it's in the neck
and that oh God feels good

I've been drowning in crap
The demons they live inside
There are promises of life
wrapped in concertinas and barb wire

What are we running away from?
That is not the question
but whether we are suceeding or not

I've been in my little ****** dream
One foot in each side of me
I was real when I wasn't all over it
I saw honey and ran, ******* scared
Is it that you left me scarred?
Your kiss - I had you when I didn't expect
but I saw the rich honey get close
so I got lost

So afraid! So helpless!
Poetry is a stress dumpster
but this way of living is the solution and the problem

I've been drowning in myself
which is part heaven and part hell
how to catch a hold, a grasp
I have to be aware, only sometimes

This wisdom from the depths
this happiness when it rains
this is something to tackle
oh God, where did this become
such a battle?
To watch things happen!

I don't know what she really did
but it must be something big
I held the key to my very own gates
and she cheered

The birth is all mine
the creation, from my insides
but she helped me keep the pace
not to give up, not to die
to erase myself so I could get born
I will always thank her for that

The waves roll, this I know
And it can’t be a sweeping feeling
every single day of the month, and
you’re away, but you’re close.
Life is not an endless amusement ride
but I need a tiny part of the rainbow we make
the minor waves are part of the sea the same
Still a voice in me yells:
Love me, love me everyday!

Do you, babe?

There are things I should change
but everything changes
when contacted with hell
Now I am back home
with all its glee, all its hope
and some of its doubt

A mute again, I will be
But so calm and so still
And to grow up this time, I promise I will

Everything is a question now
But life answers them all
In ways you never thought

I had so many things to say
Now all them are left astray
Coming today from you, so sweet,
forever I would stay
but our love will remain

I'm fresh off the ward
I packed my bags and left the nasty stuff
I've been locked up
but now it's my time to shine

I hit the door goodbye,
I am not what they said I was.
I am much more. I kick my pills,
I feel I own the world.

But now the shine isn't showing up much
my face glows but my heart drowns,
lately it does

I'm fresh off the ward
the Sun beams in my face
not everything is so grey
still I ache
Be happy to shake and be shaken
in the belly of the world
Be happy in the chaos
Dionysiac throes

I'm fresh off the ward!
A real girl now, with a fleshy heart
that aches...and hurts
I might be away from the ward,
but my fate is to come back some time.
Everyone, every now and then,
needs a shot, and a comfy bed.
To dream, dream, dream away
by talking about your nightmares

Everything crystalizes
on me
It leaves a sour taste
after all I've lived

And little questions, little feels
that really meant nothing
Crystalize like you hadn't seen any of it
You keep analyzing - as you always do
But the chills he sent you
those were real, those were good

Is life keeping me from life
in a twist where my very smile
keeps me tied?
To his side

Love is not a prison,
even if sweet
For in prison you can't feel
Love is a thread you do
because it's natural for you to knit
Love is a path carved with kiss

So I will let the waves drive me home
I'll grab my clothes and sail on
to my arcane knowledge of the world
to the remedy that always works, and also
to your arms

There is a threat of death over my head
Death is slowly crawling towards me
Like a knife to my neck, I cannot breathe

Been awake for first time in years
But now it seems I'm forced to sleep
I'll survive, and that's why I might die
While I can tell nobody my grief...
Been awake to life and its gifts
All the paths and lakes that I have swam
Now I could be again at square one
Thought of your lips, it wasn't real
It's like my life passed through a lens - not me

I might lose hold of me again
Oh, the pain...
the pain that no one gets
Oh, the pain...
all the things I cannot say
all the twisted ways
that back and forth
I am forced to take

Death is coming slowly towards me
But I think I'll just shake and die
Die, die, die
whatever way you mean that

(The banality of evil
how inertia walks...)

You were my friend
when I wasn't mine at all
Surrounded by demons around
in my mind, the lovely swamp

There was no vinculation between us
but my hysteria and inadequateness
And now we die in weak hello's
We don't die: we never were, so...

Our worlds never were one
I simply ****** into your pure blood
to purify mine
Your innocent, white, bland blood
My sick, deranged, psychotic thoughts
My fear beating strong
Descending each day deeper below
And bland and paralyzed I become!
And drowning...and down

And now we die. It feels good to end.
For truth shines, and the double sides of reality
show their head
How much I cling(ed) on to you
How I let the time pass
How little we had to talk
How many lies poured into us!
Battling with my mind to utter words
How together we were
How separate we are
How we grew up

I wasn't aware I had a body -
with a promise inside
a note for me telling, "I've got goodies for you to unlock"
"use me as you like"
"I am yours to thrive, get high!"

But I was setting my eyes on men
even if I didn't know back then
In unexpected ways. Not aware.
The Bonsai girl - breaking away

He is arousing to the eyes - and oh, below the pants
I should have known him at 22, instead of hiding
in the back row of the class
Counting ghosts, and hearing demon's voices loud

Did I know what I was feeling?
Only now it seems to have a meaning

But no turning back - no sadness really in my heart
and I am just angry tonight
Tonight, angry you are not by my side
I could really hurt you, but instead of that
I look at him and for a second,
I fly

(He's joy in a confused Saturday night)

Oh God
oh Ishtar whoever you are
why do you play games against me
why don't you let me stay here
nursed in love
around his arms
you plucked me, ripped me from him
and I needed it, I did
but now I see it, with clarity
and it shines brighter than my rationality

but now time for reorganizing
time to set up the pace
time to boil again
time to sew my broken limbs
who broke them? as usual I think it's me
this time has been crazy, the summer of loose morals
time to clean up, to see
never hold on too dearly to a vision because then it flees

I am trapped in somewhere
I am trapped in ourselves
in us
it's where I grew
you are my nurturing wind
and all the people with their reasons
and their good desires for me
their advice, their appreciation,
their ****
would not understand
what goes underneath
they would not accept us
as they never accepted me?
For I see for miles,
and I see further than they do
My nurturing wind...

Why can't we decide
I've been rotting slowly don't know why
now it's time to freshen up
to accept you in my mouth
communion from below and above
communion with the whole

And I am waving you goodbye - for now
but I am feeling close to you and I haven't even left
If I could be with you, again
All I need is you to care
My nurturing one, my man...

A dream left - now comes back
If it was true, then it never died
I was only 16 and I was on the brink
I could faintly feel - I had dreams!
Of boys and girls and going places
and running wild and free
Was it real? was it make-believe?
It was, it wasn't - get used to it

She's resurfacing, her old shape
with a cleansed core
I am re-born
but it does not feel any worn
Eternal and old

And mom and me ate Chinese that night
And I got ***** thinking about you and I
And the sweet ghost of *** hovered around
and I wasn't distraught!
I wear warm sweaters because I feel cold
Can you help me take it off?

Bitter honey - and ham and cheese
Was I cognizant then? Of everything?
Still in the dark - still a ****** dressed in black
But a dim light, a dim hope that now catches back
Half-mourning, half-awake, half-alive
Everything comes back in time, waits for the time
to be ripe

All I wanna do is to walk through Madrid with you
Do you? Do you?
Like a child waiting nervously for Santa Claus
Come on, let me out!
Crying when she gets not toys but coals.
Nervously listening to nervous songs.
There's a shadow on her heart, and endless love

The child throws a tantrum when she doesn't get love.
The woman becomes a younger one.
She was eager to taste.
She's lost.
And then he comes and soothes her
with words
in the absence of arms

All I wanna do is share life
with you
No further questioning: I know you do too
And so do I,
despite
my million ties

Those are my racing thoughts
That's my guilt, my rabies, my hopeless love
My freedom tears me up but I need it most

Together with you
through all the trouble
because of the trouble
despite the trouble!

I cheated on him with you - why?
I wonder, while we are taking flight
the guilt kicks in, and I think
about how much I hate you, but it's not real
what I hate is I might get caught
I'm repentant but persistent on my sins

You're a deaf beat
on my heart
I don't want to listen, but you're around
You're the articulating sound
and the disconcerting tune

And woe of a sudden
forgets my name
(and I forget hers)
when the blood drips down my legs
"I am safe now"
I am saved, am I?
I ran away to London
and it was so nice
Yet you can't run away from life

I wake up and I’m in fear
Last night I could not either sleep
I can’t sleep and I can’t live
This guilty tremor never leaves
Everything speaks about sin

And there is darkness everywhere
There is a darkness in myself
From the light bulbs gathered
The light bulbs, that make me scared
The light bulbs, they are so fake!
I fall further staring at them
So smothering they choke me every day
it's all me, it's all them

My head is mush, all mashed force
I can’t tell right from wrong
I am all emptiness and God
He is sickly – this I know but won’t show
Who is him, though?
I see the light bulbs - never the Sun

I call out the angels I’ve been told
Nothing higher than my beloved yoke
A light – it’s just another torture, another bulb
I am afraid to my core! So I can't get out
You can see pretty easy - I drown
I am beautiful because I'm dying

What the **** do I do here?
Surrounded by kids
Feeling strangely at home
but I can't belong
I was born much before

You like my Melanie Martinez attire
and gravitate towards me
(it makes me feel shy)
You're so beautiful - you poor fools
so new, just like me, Sleeping Beauty on a spree
Here's my tip - stay hungry, dear
Your endless comments, your strive to be free
I don't know where you all are. You're growing up.
I hope you all are getting some. I hope you come.

These evenings I painted the world
Artist grey beret and you crazy kids all around
And I was silent, hearing you talk
I did not know what to do, but it was good
enough to make me stay

Allow no simmering down of your universe
You're boiling, do it forever, kids

Now I see it the way it is...
It is complex, and maddening, and confusing
And beautiful

I gotta wipe you as soon as it can be
I gotta kick this made-up hate from me
Not remembering what you meant to me
making it all look so bleak
it's easy to dismiss once it has fled
or we have killed

But there was cracks of pain also
So much longing never met by you
There was madness, some things were not cool
It was me a bit, but oh it was you too
Every kiss a heart pierced by swords
Every week needing the drug
Every bruised moment healed, but constantly hurt

How to reconcile such aching
with such lust?
You would make me hot then do me wrong
And that would twist my little heart
All the tears, connected to those chills
To be with you anywhere, it was such a thrill
That's the crux of it!
How bound, how free!

The crux of it, now I am confused
about what is it with me and you

Sixteen
Not again, please

The signals are clear
I can see them, they are here
Steering wheel, take me far from this
My words collapse, and so do I
Life's a struggle - where you gotta have fun

Sixteen
I won't let you back in
Fear - get gone, *******
Caution - don't turn into fear
(Don't turn to anger, just let me be
Get convinced - get carried by the tune
you hear)

Burn!
Burn bright and be a flame

(sure it will make some scared)
Destroy the fetters around your neck!

Fire - the element of warmth
It burns, it burns, in a blaze
or in your home fireplace
but still the same,
does not lose its strength
Domesticity is only learnt
Domesticity - one of my many shades

Take scraps from everywhere,
build yourself with the ashes left
(a rascal with a golden heart)
Burn the chains! Let their shedding
illuminate the way
Dance between the smoke, please don’t choke

Create from your inner heat

unmeasurable degrees

be fed by the world’s steam

Burn everything you need

Give that fire to what makes you feel.

It's 9:32 PM and I am waiting for your message
like the hysterical ***** I am - you have no clue yet
the ghost of him lingers around and floats on air
or is merely a ghost all of myself?

It's 9:32 PM and I have already been here
The same old pressure in the chest and catastrophy
But this time I switch
This time, the pain I ditch

I swallow the pain like a pill
that slides inside my throat like an usual drill.
If you **** me over, I can leave.
Do not be that bleeding lady, that hurt chick.

This is good for writing poems, it is
but life and poetry do not always meet

Blood, blood in my hand
blood in you, blood from my insides
Just a little broken vessel
Something I cannot seem to grasp

Blood, blood - because love hurts
The art of self-**** - I am really good at it
A fly hovers over my head
It's the blood I have shed

And it is a reminder, of the intruder to yourself
And it is fear, but still a symbol to me
Blood scared because I am the girl that bleeds
Unexplainable facts for unexplainable feats
(I don't know where this leads).

I cannot seal the pact
My body gets in the way
My body has something to say
But my body follows no line
it is an alien to itself
My two poles fighting - shouldn't be this way
My mind is not mine - it does what it doesn't like
I cannot understand, I cannot understand

Awhile, the blood pours out.
"I hope it stops".

Where does this trail of whatever lead
Am I veering towards the easy deadly?
Do I have to fight again
For my identity

Every night is a triumph and a struggle
I am going higher and going lower and lower
Where is the truth?
Somewhere I held it in my hand
without looking at it, no intention at all
but it flees from me
this is what made me truly lose it

All the guessing and the imagining
the plotting, the theorizing
to explain what really makes us crazy
Reality is problematic

I declare the state of poemless
Most magic fled from me
I will keep myself on this plain bread
But I can't stop thinking of the garden that was there

State of poemless, seeking pleasures
but the pleasures are gone
There is a hole
in my guts
I've been here before
but that's ****, it doesn't matter anymore

I stumble around in my head
I ****** up something I cannot really name
crashing
making noises that cloud my Sun
I was ****** up before, sure
but I had outlets, I had doors,
I was not as lost
I focused on the wrong, after finding a door
I obliterated it - like I did back then

Only the blows from God move my mouth
All I need is the clarity, where I left it at?
Reality hurts like a sore wound
Reality is the solution, but she hides

Because order is a *****
because neatness is a punishment
This mental jail won't **** me
but this time I won't fight like
I always did
It's not a matter of lose or win,
it's a matter of...discovering
of using words in a way
that they are not words anymore
of waiting for the storm
to finish, for the rain to wash
Still I feel empty, I feel not great
How could I in a state
of beautyless?
I am still a part of the sky
but my light is going dim
it hurts, it hurts, it hurts

Now the levels in my blood are alright - so I will fight
they are stable and I don't feel as bad
And love is still a sweet escape from war
I drive myself mad but hell, you still are

My clouds do not let me see sometimes
I misinterpret something and I'm undone
But now it's clear, sometimes it does shine
and I can't deny
your love is real

I am standing on the way of my dreams
I am standing on the way to me
of who I really am meant to be
If everything unreal, I will cling to the bliss

Our Universe ain't perfect but it's all good
Get rid of the brain fleas, there's nothing to fear
Let's fly as far as we can
Let's hold each other's hand

[Hey you lover!
No one laughs at me, or my heart, that ugly way -
I felt misunderstood, pushed away - ]

I know you'd hear me blabber about this
but what would you do after it?
Would you think "she's so mad" -which of course I am-
Would you kiss me, would you let me fall apart?

Can you see me?
CAN YOU TWO ******* SEE ME?
The same way I see you, dears?

Can you see my wounds?
Can you lick them - help me to
Normal people - you will be my death
Deep, selfish lover - you will be my end

And where do I run now
the void crushes my soul
No one loves this crazed up lass
Who woke up to life with a notebook in hand

Can you grab me?
Can I grab you?
Can I go further - can you walk too?
Which one of you, if at all you?

And I am again in the verge of tears
oh, sweet glassed man, are you the one?
That's my blessing
that's my curse
I don't want to rot away
why do I do?

I've been spinning in circles
And now I see truth somehow
I refuse the past, though
Yet I can see for miles now
The Magician has thrown me a ball

But this is no good
I've been going misunderstood
I yearned you...but I thought I could
do something apart from you

Anxiety everywhere
filling always the place
Addicted to drama and pain
kept going there for days

Oh! It was hell to be
trapped in between
always thinking of you, thinking of him
This place of despair I filled with chicks
Further falling in
the pit of me

This hole I try to fill
this hole that ***** my morals down
but no shiver comes

Why can't I stop seeing and thinking?
I forgot feeling
I should have known this

Everything was set for you
to arrive
Here
You have all it takes
To arrive
There

(who knows how far?
no limits for you now)

The sweet irony,
The irony of fate
Paths and miles unknown
the irony never stops
You were not sure at all
you'd be here
But here you are, smiling big
drying your tears
everything is everything
you got this

Everything leading to this
magical moment of seeing

(God please give me a world of
******* and love)
Everything happened in order
to free your soul
I am a work in progress; but I am doing good.
Everything needed - to reach this particular spot

Now that without being side by side we sail - alone
With so much love around
We aren't bound
to the crystal sweet jail of our love
That we can't touch, we can't fully grasp
but that never stopped us

Now but always bound in time
Through heaven, hell and in between
A link no one gets right
but we...

Now we are always together
each one in their world - family, lovers
but I don't think we'll forget
what we used to have.

And I'm not speaking ***, the photographs I took
I'm not speaking lust, even when it was true.
I'm speaking the thin line
between 2 ghosts in each other's life
I'm speaking "Spanish kissses"
with a limit never clearly drawn
unmade love
a ghost, a sweet ghost so real to us.

Your friend Aitor's laugh.
Your blue eyes.
Sushi at night.
It's not true, it's not right.
But it feels nice.

Woody Allen's movies
The backseat of your car,
you grinding on me to reggaeton beats,
tonight it's you yeah, but it's also him

Look at me,
I am lost but I get some
I loved you in a twisted form
I need to get outta here, but in a sudden shift
you got inside of me
it was never you, it was him

Bitter chinese food,
the night I realized it wasn't you.
I came in your arms, yes, I can do that,
but my heart collapsed because I knew
it had to die, it never got born

What does this mean?
Coming from the guts of my soul
But my soul is hostage now, I fear

I've been here
weird 14 year old
and I say
no more, no more
It's not so distorted - my core
Loose ends, unfitting scenes
Unclosed, missing links

And I love you, but what does this say?
Think with your heart and you'll know.
The answer lies somewhere you're satisfied
The answer is away but close
at the same time
Is it a wish I must rehearse?
Am I going too low?

I know this is a point of connection to the world
a peculiar hotspot -no pun-
I know this is the key to finally walk
It's self exploration warning without
Could love **** love?
How many feelings, how few words

I yearn your embrace, your hands all over me
But this everynight gift makes me feel weird.
Everything so weird.

I've got a reflex inside of me
it snaps and stings
it's hurtful and it burns
Fire pushing fire
Made of anger and desire.

The first time I felt its call
I wasn't aware at all;
Cover the tracks of your lover
with another one
Topsy turvy thoughts, twisting you up and down
That rushing into someone's arms
in a state you cannot discern
But the river dried
when you turn off the light

Loneliness pushes me
prompts me in solitary, kissed dreams.
When you turn your back on me,
I turn to my instincts.
I creep under men's shirts. I stare into their chests.
Grab 'em.
(Was this learnt?
I can't forget it now
Am I real? Am I real?
Take a look below)

The second time,
I felt so attracted and needy of you
that I couldn't help but think I'd rush into anyone else
I dry my tears like this
With wild fantasies...

Any man does, anything goes
when drowning in the ocean vast
But no time for this
Because I've got your kiss

I've been a bad, bad girlfriend
I've sinned, I confess
I went a bit too crazy, it stopped being fun
and started being hell
(for you, and also for myself)
But I can't wait to be with you again
be redeemed in your embrace

I ran around and wreaked havoc
Because I was feeling so tense and unwell
Cried with the matches on my hand,
did and said stuff I regret.
No justifications for my deviations
what I did is not okay
there's no beauty in that
and you can shove it up your ***

And I will manage my difficulties this time
those I give myself so well.
And I tell myself, not to do this any of this
anymore, never again

Do you want what I want
can we make it work?

I love (y)our bed,
and I have tried to get away
but I end up here
and so do you, it seems.
But the bed is a seed.
Sprouting something big.
The bed is the expression
of what lies underneath
**** mortgages and kids.
I want a lifetime of this...
of you and me

I want a lifetime of strolling down the street
with your hand in mine,
and you will give me a kiss
in the mechanic stairs
and when we are alone,
we will be unchained

You said I left a mark in you
a bite with my name all over
You made me express my whole;
you are my Lover

This is my bare heart
all I want from you.
All I want is the all of you.
To be joined with you,
to know you are with me.

Does this annoy you?
I am annoyed too.
And I will get more insistent,
the more you refuse.
(Of course you can say no,
this is merely explanations
on how my wretched heart works)

But this is my bare heart
I think I love you, I do.
I have big plans: do ya? do ya?
Let's keep on trying.
Let's say we do.
Let's take a ride together
as we used to

I have become Gertrude - that old widow
I keep men close, you're still a fresh corpse.
You might be mourning me but maybe you won't.
I don't do it out of desperation, or love gone wrong
I do it because I gotta move on

And I've got a hole yearning to be filled
And I discovered, there was no hole in reality
It hurts, sometimes it really does
It's your judgement chastising my existential lust
You try to punish me because I am alive
Was Gertrude such a *****? Or did she already cry enough?
Is Gertrude in her room with her hand below
I am the *****, the unsensitive one - for once
You hurt me much! I had to get my life back!
You died, it's true - you killed it with your hand

What’s wrong with pink?
With being girly,
loving the pretty or needing a kiss
With all the things I was taught
I was wrong to feel

I’m all pink – but you can’t handle me
And I do take pride on this
because I am not weak

Pink and fluffy – and it’s all okay
we want this - but you make us ashamed
I am pink but I still can be fierce!
I am pink, like flowers, like sunset,
like skin, I hold a world within
Let my quirky cute self be.
I am sweet but not a toy, you see?
I give my candy when, and to who I wish.

She is a recycled ****** faithful to her roots, on overdrive (she thinks high)
She's a little narcissist with tears in her eyes
Sometimes

She is unstimulating dead at the core I avoid her corpse, sick to my bones
Words fail me to describe her
She inhabits a ***** smelly drawer
Her life is a string of disaster but ah not like mine
She doesn't try hard
"She's not one of us"

I thought we would be the world
but that was before
the doors
And I have tried to taper you off
Like a drug you should have never known
But you're blind and addicted and starving for love

And I shook inside
for your pain was mine
Siamese twins
Of wards and tears
But different DNA and breed

So I have to carry on fighting
and the fact it's you I hurt.
But ah, you put yourself easily
You had it coming, you see
Like a prey
And I had no idea I could ****.

D for diet, D for death
I see the future - makes me shake
If you take from us our bed...

I know life will find a way
to pull you away from me
it will wrap you with tender hands
that we will call "her"
to make you love another instead
because life is playful like that
life has no limits, life knows no inhibitions
life tangles things as she desires
life is unstoppable - are we?
I know you make me be it

D for diet, D for death
one thing will carry to the other
even an end has an start
Diet will lead to death
Starvation will follow down
that's why I wanted to drink you up
while we still could live up
I can do anything for you.
I will do anything you ask me to.
I fell for the trap, it is more than done
I fell too deep, no turning back
I fell in love
with you

The abyss looked at me
And I stared into his eyes, deep, deep
inside

And now he got a grab of my soul
Now I have to dissect what he brought
Now he ****** up my world,
no pleasure like waking up from his nightmare
in the light of love

How am I going to cope?
The wheel of fortune...superstitions
or truth above?

Nervously hitting the switch - I can't be back here!
I know more than I did - but still
do not wave the past at me!

I am not this - I've never been
but I will -somehow- always be

I cannot think - I cannot be
(I used to write convoluted verse about it)
It's not a cliché - I mean it for real
In the amidst of horror there are no words
Horror - it swallows the whole

I shake, I ache
My whole life hangs by the wire of the light
And I am aware of what I do not like
It's you (no) it's me, it's everything

To let little things control me
To not be free anymore
I fight but I get tired

So weird writing this poem! So weird being here tonight!
But I will save myself from me - this time

I have seen something,
and I just needed you to show me.
I knew it, but ah, like everything this week,
I got swept by it.
Throw away your tarot cards and reject your horoscope,
put out your organized spells and put out your crystal ball
for poetry is the only magic at all

Poetry is the only spell I really know
Can bind or can let go.
How many tears saved, how many things known
just because of well put sentences and words!
It shows the scaffolding of world.
Exposing, watching ****** of the heart
Poetry gives me levels of peace and levels of me
Oh those poor ones who can't see
My night vision - both a curse and a gift
My metal legs - the corolary natural of it

So, stop looking for magic in things
and looking for guides where there is nothing.
Magic lives in your every day scenes
if you are clever enough to see
Poetry is magic, the only I really know
With power enough to bring me gold
from the depths of my soul

So look a little deeper next time
and acknowledge
magic is as close as your hand

The girl that had never watched Breaking Bad until this year
So many things that I've missed
But I had to walk apart, another path
The girl who wasn't there, but other place, when everybody else did
The girl that is not from this place
But she's starting to find a way
The girl who had never been kissed and loved so much
The girl whose eyes WIDE OPEN now
Her life has just begun
For the time she lost, she's making up
Waiting for her life to turn out
The girl that like a butterfly
needed time

He's talking to me
and I'm in a daze
He's talking to me
And I follow what he says!
His shirtless chance blinks in my brain
A little less schizotypal, today
A little less awkward, I'd say
I blurted words in front of him!

I feel dazzling
but ah, I don't want him
He's not my man
He cannot give me these things

He's beautiful
just like you
He will grow to be your carbon copy
and find some ****** to do
But I want originals (it's true)

For the first time I didn't freeze
I just go with it...
What's this?

I am high
on his song
I feel nothing wrong
but this unnatural strength in me
Letting go...

Worst case scenario: you break my heart
Worst case scenario: I tell you to *******
So what?
And I see I don't care, I've got a lot of ****

I am high on his song
I can't think straight - but great
It was invasive, like a drug shot to the veins
I feel it rush inside, this power I gained
I could dance, I really didn't care
Nothing in the world could go not my way
I saw it clear, I saw it fine
Everything's going to turn out right
Worst case scenario: we are not there
Worst case scenario: who cares

This high feeds on my tissue
This high is not real - but true
This high - I saw it good

You were not there
to share my happiness
my moments of joy
you never made it easy to enjoy
so now you can't watch me cry
You are blind
you don't have my sunshine
and you can't grasp my dark

Yes you'll help
To pick up my pieces but
you always miss
You dry my tears
but never know what it means
and make up an explanation
that fits

Because you talk, you talk, you talk
but you never understand
what lies in our heart
those of us living far from you and Dad

I know you are good
and I thank God
but you are wrong, too