Love killed us
Love fed us
Love won't take us
We'll have to hitch a ride

Love never hurt us
but the word stood in the way
I stood on my pain

But the fear is always there
more than pleasure, it's a safe space
Love killed me, it killed everything
that ******* word, obliterating realities
Obstructing the Sun!

Yet love is the only thing we know
all comes from that source
we forgot true love
we got caught up on regulations
on feminist analysis and stuff
on measures and canalizations
forgot the raw fountain of love
now he throws me a ball
to my own thoughts
I am killing myself
only now I am aware
Girls, girls, girls took me away
I took myself away.

You are the easy answer
You are a tinsel cilice
you are full of meaning
you are not the solution...
unless we take a resolution
You are the easy path
getting lost in my problems
writing poems
but it's a maze, leading nowhere
You light me up
What is this fuss about?

And I see you again,
and I know I will sin
but I know also right now
things are not what they seem.

The mind is wider than you and me
I will never forget you, but ah,
I see ****...
And I know other lips...
I want to kiss you, but dear
your tinsel cilice made them bleed.
I'm trapped between bodies.
I don't mind if I die like this.

You were not there
to share my happiness
my moments of joy
you never made it easy to enjoy
so now you can't watch me cry
You are blind
you don't have my sunshine
and you can't grasp my dark

Yes you'll help
To pick up my pieces but
you always miss
You dry my tears
but never know what it means
and make up an explanation
that fits

Because you talk, you talk, you talk
but you never understand
what lies in our heart
those of us living far from you and Dad

I know you are good
and I thank God
but you are wrong, too

I've been on the psych ward for years
Unaware of everything around me
Wasting my time on what was my ****
Away from the world, including my core
Now they allow me to go out
because I forced the doors
I simply had to allow myself to do so
I guess it was all according to a plan of God

Now I frantically try to live
Sometimes I just want to hide in me
I want a kiss but sometimes I want to disappear
All I can do is merely to be
I've got scars in my face but they are not me
And it's a big question everytime we meet
I am the mad girl, how do you feel?

Hell never fully went away
It just got hidden in the folds of my skin
I just don't want to move from here
because
it's all useless to me
Hell is the address where I live
It makes no sense at all I'm wasting my time
because I can't tell what I desire

I've got such a dark place in my head
***** all my glee and my progress?
Nothing seems to be really worth the pain
but what about the gain stemming there?
Time to move on, shed on the chains
If you need it, tell about your special ways
But you are really not all that much of an alien sight
You're just a hybrid form of life

I can feel the magic
My schizotypal thoughts get the best of me
No tarot cards, no divination tools
No crystal ball, only my all
I carry the power inside my heart
I am a complicated machine: I don't wish any other thing

This happened because it carries a meaning
I guess in the end it all makes sense.
My schizotypal being sometimes makes me high
Feel patterns behind my own eyes.

I listen to the rhythm of the universe
slow and fast and weird (and self referential of course)
indescribable but so close
and so beautiful in the days of sun
and so deep when the torrential rains come
and tears of joy, and shrieks of love
and a rhythm you can't stop!
and always there
alive
telling you to stay
to carry on fighting
to hear its song
whispering your name

Every door I knock
it's closed
Who to blame for

I seek the answer
But I'm deaf
to myself

Who the **** am I?
All I love
becoming obsessive and heavy
Reason won't ease this pain
Heart has totally tangled it up
Total state of war
how can I stop it

Your arms, your arms,
your love, your love
Did I **** it? My hotline to the world...
I need to let you know
that I love you so
but I am at war, war, war

It seems impossible, that this be over.
Yet it hurts, so it's not the answer.
I've been here before, when I was lost.

I try to think of something positive,
but the black always comes back for me.
It gets in the way of everything.
My thoughts are not mine again.
And I get this sickly pleasure
in the war
I see the wounds heal
and I start to think
that it brings me joy to be here

I am so tangled up.

Am I going psychotic again?
Astray, misled
Will I be saved?
Losing the compass I gained?
Everyone visiting me in my sickly bed
Taking care of me while I shake in pain
Friends saying, you'll get better, if you wait
My love, saying he's always there...

In my sickly, mind foggy bed
the Sun shines in anticipation of the next day
but we never really know
tomorrow is elusive, but it's all we've got

The nurse's room is heaven
when hell lives within
But you gotta dream with a life
outside of it

My brain does not fit the sentences anymore
I can't hear the rhythm, so who cares about words
Am I sinking under again? I felt it in my bones
I did not know truth from fake more
And I am going back on my steps, which hurts so
I hope God saves me, from the fire of psychic death

Am I losing my mind? Not knowing where I stand
And every path is darkened, and every move hurts
And confuses and carries death
I hope I can be saved - reborn again
cleanse my sin - because I killed myself

And no words can tell
what I am enduring these days
it seems empty, repetitive ****
as repetitive as my thoughts spinning within

Why am I so thrilled
to begin this journey without your kiss?
This kissless journey for you and me

My alien fellow traveler
you are lost, I showed you were so
Grab my friendly hand
-it reaches no longer
in the inside of your pants-
let's walk, let's walk

You make me somewhat high
when I am low
but I will help you
if I just can
no matter what!

You are sick, and broken,
and about to find something
You will swim the oceans to find
what you need
This is new - I want to see it be
You shine a light on me
But not as bright as him
I saw better days

Open relationship
I know that you'll leave me
Because the body and the soul
they do not lie so far
But it's a risk I take
I take it with my heart
Because body and soul
are made of the same fabric
A weight lifted from my shoulders
But a new state of us is here

(why it is so important for you
to get inside of me?
I can't let anyone inside
it hurts, it hurts)

Open relationship
A whole new world in front of us
But it's not what we both want
In a perfect world

Open relationship
Waiting - till I'm done with me
what are we gonna do
what are we gonna do
where are we going to move?

And I can tell you who I kissed
And you can tell me where you've been
It doesn't sound so bad
but it doesn't sound right

Open relationship
but the heart steering only one way, I think
The duality of mind and body, which is not really such a thing
You say it's confusing
Maybe we cannot stay
this way
I'd lie if I said
I'm not a little afraid
But this is what it takes

I can feel - energies flow
I developed an eye for something that doesn't show
Maybe it's just earthy magic
Magic of the everyday - maybe the only to account for

I can feel - energies flow
and they go
And I am afraid because I'm not in control
I am deeply afraid of it all
Then I see a sign above of my head
"You are not connected to the source"
You don't control anything of this

That was it!
I'd rather be smiling than writing this poem
In the amidst of bad, bad omens!
That was it!
The problem is within
As is it always is
That was it!
Something is dislocated, out of place
The september moon makes me mad
But today I had your arms
and I suddenly know better where I stand

Throw away the growth
I can only see the path of love
I discovered the world
in a twist of luck
and I am going to die if it's needed
for the only thing that ignited

We are lost, everything will be lost
Our love - cut to death with the secrets I hold

You're pulling away from me, I see
You are getting lost in the night
You are wandering out there but not with me
I am just a time filler
But you won't tell me anything

The light shines brighter when it's dark
And so it's happening with us
I had a future for me filled with us
The light always shines brighter when you drown
I had no idea what was going to be, honestly
But death wasn't an option for me
But it is crawling towards me...

Show me a way
Through your touch
Show me a way
I can't see the way out
I cling to you
True love once found.

The flashbacks, the ideas
fluttering in my head
Something's pulling out all of my insides
But I am silent instead

They whisper ideas that I can't grasp well
Will I get out of this hell?
Which way?

Because it feels like I love you
but I can't. Every move I do
carries me further down.

I've been here before, no clarity now to show
I remember when I was starting to grow
Arrived some years late
to the parade

Life is ugly and unclear - sometimes
And everything surrounding might be a lie
I can't talk, my mind is held hostage right now
Everything so horrible - yet I can't shout
I can't be, I can't touch
The nourishing battle - away from me now
The life within - is gone

The demons became the canvas
I fight but I no longer slay them,
They creep inside my body
They got me in a kind of a knot again

I love you, I love you, but it hurts
Nothing hurts more than being myself does

I AM NOT OKAY

The light of day today
is so heavy and dream-like
Makes me feel hazy,
sweetly lazy
has a weird effect in me
It makes me feel good and wrong
funny ways that I've got

It speaks about you and me
hidden in a room, naked, nothing at all
but us. And I want to be there, I do.
Watching the world drip, in our burning embrace.
The rain washes my pain away.

It speaks about the despair I felt at 15
or maybe before even
and how the rain lifted the weight
with its oppressive pretty greys
The rain washes my pain away.

The rain lulls me into your arms
it promises a Sun.
The rain pushes me places
everything I am
or everything I've been?

What if this is borrowed time?
I had none to call mine
Had too many hours
in the waiting rooms of life

Maybe I had none to call mine
None that I could grasp
for years and years of silence
with peaks in the dark
filling peaks of light

But what about the little explosions
everything coming alive
What about the ******, the blossom
Sitting is not motion!
what about coming together for once
What about the smile in your face?
Because if this is not my time
then whose is? tell me, what?
What is this I had?

Am I living borrowed time
Am I made to pine, to pine, to pine?

To what point am I sick?
I go mad - when I see a chick
on your feed
in your photos
and you behave so relaxed
Is this hurting me bad?
Why now? I don't think so

I'm too accustomed to bitterness, and in happiness,
I ache. It's like a reflex that things gotta go wrong.
I cannot think bright. Why should I?

We were
amoebas
but we grew
and therefore
our bond was lost

We were underdeveloped life forms
yet being so consistenly formed
in our dreams and hopes
we were just waiting at the crossroads
for someone to pick us up

We were the beginning of life
back then
Embryonic state
everything to gain

and we have been picked up
I thank God - we could not stay there for long
even if now there is a threat of drought
all over my heart
do you get those? do you?
the saddest part of it all
a link is gone
we are flickering like a dying light
but hey, this is life
and it's not like we were empty now

I was set in Stone
but in the way I found love
I found pleasure, I found a lack of fear
taking all of me.

I found sleep, and arousal, grabbing hands, to feel free.

Your arms around me
your hands grabbing me
you're everywhere of me
and I allow you gladly to do it

I can feel you hard - for me
I remain shy - storm in a teacup
I just want to relax, exist, feel
No rushing about what should be

Sweet shyness sweet teenager
opening her eyes like a newborn child
if I could get this spell everyday, I would
Get me a spoonful of you
Put me on a diet of us

And though the devil he soars
for a second he was apart
Can you follow my slow dance? Can you?
If you can't, someone will do.

It's so soft this dance
we are dancing in this sofá
but it is the perfect pace
for my metal legs, my tired feet

It was like an angel showing who I really could be
Your hands all over me
give me fever
I have Little power as a stove
but today you turned me on.

I moaned - Deep, from my throat
You pulled it out from me, I didn't know
We rekindled the flame, the devil felt he was being called
and he destroyed it all somehow

"My happiness is you" - say never these words
mom tells you so
but you have fell down the hole
(and so did she)

To be focused on someone emotionally
for him to be your core
and he's not focused back on you
You swing to his rhythm
You dance his song
even though you want to get rid of
you are ******* stuck

This is the inner tragedy of life
To know that you had
and you won't
To reminisce about love
feel a pang in the heart
that leads nowhere
but to blackness and dark
to be helpless
to be lost

an empty space inside
no one can fill that right
This is the inner tragedy of life
yet we can't stop singing gleefully
to the death of us

Steady and ready
I get prepared to spill the beans
I found you! Oh Thomas, I did!

Oh Thomas incubus of my 20 first poems
In my ***** blue hair and unsteady mind
between eggs and ham
I find you unexpected
that I find happily chatting with his colleagues
That ***** mole of yours, enticing me
Enticing me? I can remember how you did
That pink haired girl in your bed
that would never give head
But her body is on fire
The water starts to flow inside
That girl trapped in between
in between herself
but still loving you

Oh Thomas
How you left me these Xmas
I thought you would be my everything
my teacher, the lighthouse to me
But
We couldn't make it far
Just a kiss and a tender touch
in a hidden cocktail bar
And that's what we were
Nothing more at all
Ephemeral love brought forward true love
You are nothing but a stain
an accident (like everything else)

Thomas. Pig. Fake.

she's a slave not a goddess
yet she has the power to imprison power
she can't hear the great tune
she says everything is for my good
but she's alien to the vital flood

She's a slave, I said!
all the time bickering, struggling, rowing,
doubting, checking, getting nothing for it
missing the beat
never being finally free

she's in guard for me
like Cerberus kept the gates of hell
she brings nothing worth to keep
I know deep down she's sick

I need a defense! But I don't need a eyeless
slave to save my day

I am a goddess - and I need no slaves
she's blind but never mute! She shouts
and always blows a fuse!
She spills, she cries, drags me to the sty
heaven's below my feet, but she insists in doing right

She says "I am a feminist, I will save your soul"
but she never makes me whole!
she's a true scam of a thought

This slave lives within me
I need to keep her down -
but how?
Give her love
that shuts every mouth

Why do you appear now?
My old darling, I kicked you out!
What do you want from me this time?
Oh, God, you make me so high
Your *** - even if only in my mind
so nice, never fails to give me chills

Because when I am without you
I feel much lighter
I can float, I get high
in arms that treat me right
The world smiles in a whole new way
it looks better, and they say
so do I

Because you're no solution
You are no ******* answer
You are the Moon stirring problems
You're a dream turning into a nightmare

Because you never really loved me
I gave you all, you gave barely something

I will never fully recover from you
I am in rehab for this, I do
All I can aspire is to obliterate and block you
The kick of the drug will never lose its allure
Because our memories are scorching
and hot
and steamy
and intense and pathetic
and what not

So I won't give in to you
You are fading, you are a bad habit
My cigarrette when I am too stressed
You're a little vice that carries nowhere
You are a memory that stings profound
You're a masturbatory motif, if at all
That's you.
Nothing more.

Life is steady - trying to **** us up
Trying to get in the way of us
But this nuisance that pierces
is nothing but a speck in the eye of the universe
Even to our own eyes. It burns, mortal eternal, and blinds,
but it won't make us die.

"My pain is tiny but oh it is fierce"
I would be glad if it dissappeared.
My ache is minor - but I complain because it ******* stings.
And I can't see an end to it
But it exists

Oh love where do you hide
why are you so elusive
calling out my name loud all the while?

You catch me tight
and never fully grab my hand
Sad because he could not
give me what I want

Where do you lie my fellow tortured soul
Do you cry at night, do you struggle to belong
Where are you my lost one
my bedroom God
my tiny pleasure, my great rock

You will not laugh at my poems and my ache
You will not be my shrink - we will laugh the pain away

He saved me once and I saved myself
But we could not be, I could not stay
I am floating away...
Tears gather in my skull
Where are you love? You're like a dead limb
You're not here, but I feel your loss

Sad because I lost it again
And I fear what comes next
My well of pain and doubt,
my treadmill - do I need to stop?
I can't give up -
Time, time, time
ticks away like a bomb
My needs they dissolve but never fully gone

You had to leave
I had to let you go of me

And both of them wave me goodbye
And I wave goodbye back. It hurts.
But this is also release
Could not live on the edge of the blade
endlessly
And whatever comes I embrace
now I know things well.

Death is not the end
death is the forethought of life
PS: You are number one, you blow my mind.

I am the *****
oh God I've been hurt
I am the ******
oh God I've been damaged

I am the *****
I give myself love
because no one is going to, I know
and tears come to my eyes
but I shake it off with a stranger's touch
I am the ******
I shut down
because pain eats my whole
I run away from what I cherish the most

He could have given me all,
so I give myself to anyone
He could have given me all,
so I can't see his ilk no more

it's no longer my style
to wait for you all night
it's no longer my way
to endure stoically the pain
I'd rather grab my pen,
I'd rather sail away
with my head

I am the *****,
tired of all this play
I am the ******,
every night feverishly touching myself
And we meet at some point,
and we break the same way.
We are one,
we are the shattered hearts
but not right from the start

And maybe you are another oppressive link
to break with

"Your eviscerating, loving stare"...
and I can feel something tear -
it's my certainty,
it's my reality,
(the very things I see
they clash with thee!)

You are good, but you are a threat!
You cut me - and you want to help
My eyeballs possessed by your mental state!
It's a outside voice inside my head
For years, for years - trying to break free
I had your ugly eyes
fixed over mine!
I always knew they weren't right but
for a second they got attached -

The eyes of the world - so unknown
your eyes tend to interpret what they don't know
Their eyes - always hurt a lot
because they're yours, and they also rot!
Rot my heart and my thoughts

But you are good, you are there too
how can love make you feel so low?
I guess it's something no one wants to know
I just can't let you swap my soul at all
for yours, or let you set my rights and wrongs.
Peace is this.

A crime - to obstruct the shine
Oh these people
hush their mouths, shut 'em down
**** their noise that impairs
the eternal sound

Oh, they are the worse!
They keep the white from being born
breaking like dawn
All the chatter clatters, clutters around
And mixes up with my heart

Oh **** these ugly stricken thoughts
-they are yours!-
thoughts leading to unrest
Oh **** your evil doppelganger
oh **** these judging strangers

I'll hide in bed with you
We will be saved from doom

Because love is that intuition
stemming from reality, it is the a bright feeling, a clear sum
Not the fear-driven gut
that belongs to your family
Not the hysterical bout
that shatters -for a moment- the world
Intuition is heart and mind, to each other bound.

And I learnt about whiteness in your arms
I learnt about life.
**** that stupid, unflowing stranger ***** outside.

I have a lot to say but the words collapse in my mouth
I feel strained - uneasy and frozen
I cannot connect with the source, the source is away
I lose myself in daydreams, but no meaning below them
They feel dead

How come - how come this hell?
I cannot even look at, but I must, if I want to put an end
Hell is man-made, thoughts and weird ideas popped there
I know it well, for years I lived in the place

If I could simply live in synchronicity
if I could simply be
all the ******* time
what I am
nothing else
just a tinsel existence
just unfreezing myself
I see for miles
I need to do for miles

It's like that
Every break up brings me back
Twists me up
shuts my mouth with normalcy and stuff
My poetry is magic - have to take care of it
Control well the energies - keep the spells with me

And I see myself
roaming the world without your hand
And I see myself
utterly lost but you're not to blame
Woke up from a dream, where the shapes were beautiful and sweetly moving
now I must learn living
so my eyes can see the shapes as they are: as in a dreaming state

I'm writing in a sweat - people will be there
maybe I need to accept my fate
Everything is periphery to me.
but fighting is hard, i get no pleasure from it

I can see myself
drowning after you
people make me drown
and beauty will creep
everywhere
it is.

And here I am - an ex psychotic
(Bradley certified)
telling you which steps to take
in the infinite wisdom
that only could be given by hell

And I want to write about this
but it is bigger than me
yet the only thing I write about
obsessively, constantly,
wholly

Connecting with you,
my (****) friend. Kicking away evil patterns.
Step by step, sweet kick by sweet kick away.
In your embrace. In the steam you create.
In our problems, that we will solve...
You convinced me once more!
I am lost and found...weakened and strong
I drank your soul. My friend, my friend,
my love.

I will indeed walk.
Away from this town of dust.
My life has just begun.
I see a lighthouse, might be the Sun.
A new Sun that was there all along.

I woke up this morning
Clairvoyance
everything falling into place
Feeling so full, so great

It was your kiss
it was your body all over me
it was - reality
it was - a fantasy
it was - everything

Clairvoyance - I never wanted him
I don't need anything but this
This hunger gets met
How good it felt

I woke up this morning
And all I felt was your breath on mine
It wasn't real, but I can feel
for miles

Clairvoyance - you and I
Clairvoyance because you fill me up
Clairvoyance because I ******* can

We should aim together
for the same
We should be friends
We should be comrades
In our lives - to merge
we should be all that
but we aren't

A life without the other half
seems incomplete and broken down
is boring and in fact it lacks a lot
But...

You use us and never say a word.
Apps made to break our hearts.
Say "I love you" then **** next girl
Clandestine dates and overlooked days.
I've had enough of this, and I'm still fresh.

What the **** do you really want?
I want to stay,
but the only way, as usual,
is away
and without
but in my bed!

Away from you, from your pain
I have my body for myself.
Woman going her own way.
Because you don't play my game.
And I don't play yours anyway
**** called to an end if things are not my way.

Away from my scars,
that I will heal in time.
If you don't want me,
I can put up with it:
none of you will cure my illness
my terrible disease, if it exists
Loneliness does not exist
Am I still ill?

Tears in my eyes, a broken Valentine
I am high, so you are low
This **** irks me, this **** hurts
Why don't you stomp over my heart
and finally tear it apart
So I can bleed profusely, but not to death
only cry my eyes out
for what we were

Been blaming you all the time
for the things that really were mine
You would not swallow my pills
but it wasn't you somehow it was me

There is a question in the floor
the approval I need
is mine not yours

What drove me here to the stars
Was pure luck
Was nothing but a lack of fear at all
But I dared to roll the dice

I have no problems, I don't.
I wake up every morning and slay 'em all
But there is a shade in this canvas of doubt
I hadn't seen before

Something keeps me away
from stopping to be away
But it grows and grows everyday

I don't want this, do I?
Sitting in this corner feeling uptight
I am not like you at all
Sweet relief, being on your own

The approval I need
needs to go to hell
I never lived for it
I will scream my heart out
I will bask in the Sun

What happened the months
preceding the disaster?
What made it detonate
what compounded the bomb there -
it's still unknown, we need to investigate
it's not only about the mess I made

We need to go back, without going back at all!
Are you brave enough
because I am
and I will defeat Gods
and anything in my path

I watched my evil patterns
My evillest one: focusing too much
on you, dear
on my empty slots
I am open to anything - are you?
Do you have what it takes - to come through

What happened these awful days
where you cracked under the pressure
and I cracked under your name?
My mom said you need to get away
from something I could not tell

And we have to try new ways
to thrive and stay sane
stay alive

My whole life is to be dissapproved
by you; or rather, misunderstood
I am a black sheep; but I'd rather be pink

It began at 11 with my friends and my silence
and the very little I said, you were unable to interpret
it began with coming home crying on the bus
it began with fears you could not handle
it began with me seeing the world further

it continued with me sleeping late
with my songs that spoke of a pain
whose source you could not trace
it continued with me loving girls
it continued with being a Courtney Love fan
it continued with a bad romance with an older man
it continued with me completely going nuts
and i wanted to stay with you, because you were all I knew
but your evenings at Vips were slowly killing me
I could not see. I could not see

and it goes on and on
and it doesn't hurt anymore
because I'm 27 and grew strong
but it carries on, when you don't love who I love
when my style strikes you as pedophilic flair
when you hint me a ***** - and say I don't act my age
And it's our contract; we love each other
even if we never meet each other's eye
And I've been walking long for now
and I know better:
it's my fate. I can pretty much take.
One has to fight for his art. What if your art
is your life?

The ugly beast, that *****
takes the spoons, makes them knives
to hurt both of us in the heart
That ugly *****, paranoid diagnosed
Makes me look for things which ain't
Pushing things further and further again
A delusional voice in my head
A fear corroding my veins
A pain that never fully leaves.

(The ugly beast, that *****
makes **** out of me
Is she my guardian angel or is she a diverting devil
trying to make my life hell and not be able
to live, to enjoy what I have?
Is she heaven sent? She can be hell-bent!)

The ugly beast
turns gold to ****
All she needs to hear and feel is LOVE
but oh no! Wait that's me
The beast merely drives to the darkest pit.

Watch a man
use you like a handkerchief
panting like a pig
not saying your name not even once
no sweet words to make it overflow
moving quickly
thinking of himself
barely interested in your soul
he will leave you
with no goodbye at all
he doesn't kiss you at the door
he wanted this from the beginning and you
fell into his arms
like a naive *****

He will call when he feels alone
All he wanted was to taste your hole
the only thing you cannot give him...now
Wait for my shiny new gun

I've been kicked out from my nest
It's been years of delay
While they were clothed and fed
I was fed up instead
But I don't despair
I merely hold their hands
His hands
My hands.

I've been kicked from the nest
But I'll build my own way

This house is no longer mine
My heart doesn't live here
My heart belongs in the streets...
And we are walking away from this

I've been kicked out from my nest
But I can do this well
And the gold will shine
But the Sun'll make us thrive
Who needs bills
having liberty and feet?
To fly, to just be.

Like  a child throwing a tantrum
She's labeled a brat
Like a child that has grabbed hold
and won't let it go
without putting up a fight

First the tears came
now a whimsical anger goes
I am back to myself - 5 years again

I feel smothered when I come home
Smothered by my thoughts
All I want is your arms
All I need is us

Before the war
the sun shone
somedays there are clouds
but that's life

Now we are in the war
I found the metaphor
ugly enough

No use in thinking about the world before
For now is all I've got
But history never hurts
and helps us see
where we are

Shapeless soul candy beautiful boy
You're hot, no need to be coy
So why am I calling you boy?

Blue eyed man
I know you got tired of who I am.

but

Meet me at the threshold
of our worlds
Who shot me? I am losing blood
take me
where aliens escape to earth
I tasted human water
now spacey air no longer fed

You live at the border
between madness and light
you peek inside
and you found me there

And I found you there
your blue eyes and your entrancing touch
dark **** nights at parks!
you are a gift I was given now
now I know how love feels
now I know how wholeness must be!
not inadequacy and dysfunction
(not all the **** I took from him)
now I know how warm it must be
when you just can grab what you wish
a melting sweet in your palm
grab it while it's cold

You are beautiful
you are shapeless too
it's one of the reasons
why you're so good

You are shapeless because you need nothing else
no enhancements because you're yourself
I paint you in my brain this way

Kiss me goodbye
or kiss me hello
keep me in your heart
I will do so
even if I could not be enough

Shapeless guy
Miracle in Bumble
A dream to hold close
Though, he is probably gone

I had a long trip - stuck on your lips
Amish girl gone wild, I'll (never) be
You showed me the world - I didn't know
I tasted it - thankful to God but
Now I'm back home - but never on square one
I bring memories, sweet remedies
I bring the joy of the path we've felt
I don't overlook my joy, I hold back not my pain
I had a long trip - now I am sailing to a different place
Nothing dies, and that's the problem, and that's the answer.

Did I have to seal a pact
Did I have to put a barrier
a filter
to touch the sky

What is true? What is a lie?
I need you by my side
But my mind always drives me mad
I try to find answers
but the compass is broken

I see death, I see hate
poisoning me
I poison myself
so easily

Layers of the brain
different filters to look through
You walked this path with me
Eternally I thank you
But am I strong enough to?

But this morning I was unwell.
Bad feeling in my guts, in myself.
Strange metaphors for strange sensations
Layers of the mind in integration
sometimes
Erasing the bad
It happens - sometimes

I saw her mouth open and close
And I heard nothing but my internal void
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you
I miss myself! Too.

Yesterday it was a nice day - at least there was love, clarity
Today is hell - no love, no clarity

Life is a moment
a flickering of the headlights
Then it's darkness
although sometimes

the light takes hold of the scene
only if you let it be

So much darkness, so much black
Ah, those moments so bright

If you live there
don't panic, don't fret
just wait for the lights
from night to day

Learn to discern
moments
Be your full self
Whatever it takes.

Who needs bloated words when one has fountains of life
Who needs fairy tales when magic lies everywhere like that

Bury it deep! All your fattened hopes and all that ****
All your expectation that bar you from catching it
(You never said I love you, and it's not something I need
because you are here everyday with me.
And it's not something I need to hear
because I don't give a **** about the thing. I explain myself:
I am -trying to- focusing on the scene, having fun
for the sake of it)
Who needs chains when one has wings!
Considerate lovers, nothing higher to which we can aspire
This is it; nothing to complain about but the ever bloat
Unbloat your heart!
**** your ego
seek your soul!
**** dependence
**** your comfort
trash out the habits
**** your ties
**** your barriers
**** the pain but be aware appeasing might turn to jail

What went wrong?

When it crashes
it does not make a sound
muffled scream, no alarm
All the pain, contained

When it crashes
it just shatters, breaks
there's no warning in the air
there's no outer signals
of what's coming over
it crashes, and you crash together

No catharsis at all
The crash creeps in slowly
till it shreds the core!
There were patterns and omens
(there always are)
but we were partially blind
to them
it wasn't in our fate to see those lights
When it crashes, be (not) ready
Because it won't be a tragedy
You will be torn in a million parts
no pictures to match
what goes inside

What if I told you about the ward?
About the dark shade all over my past
Would you walk away
fear the ghosts asleep above my head
They won't hurt you...
Dear, I am and I am not
the same girl

Here's my poem to you:
You make me wanna tear my scabs off
all the words they placed on my name
that once set me free, I must confess
and wish for something more
It's who I am: but it's not
I am more than the sum of my parts
and nothing at all

Ex-psychotic girl, that's me.
Never fully recovered,
but beginning to be
I have been everything

I am off the ward
oh, the Sun
is giving me a tan
and your eyes are lighting up
the bridges I burn

It's a shame
It makes no sense!
Will you leave
or will you stay?
We are a ******* dream
let's not make it
a nightmare

I have been everything, everywhere
to land finally here
In your sweet kiss

This will tear us apart
but I'm not in the mood for crying anymore
this question could paralyzed us both
It will tear us apart, it's tearing me apart
You ****** - with a tangled knot
You run away from this - but I can not

I love you, I love you, I love you
but there's a chain around my neck
taking away my breath

Remember when I told you to get away Fast As You Can?
You didn't listen, then!
Now we're here, happy and undone
Waiting for the sun to drown

Now you step into shaky, feared land
I tell you: do it, and do it at once
The good adjusted adults tremble in fear
but you should rejoice with this
Get confused, rave, get lost in the maze
of the world
because the world is not a jail
the world is all we have got
Never grow up!

get drunk with the lesbians
be your class reject of choice
outrage parents with a single look
leave your heart in everything you do
be a puzzle to everyone but you

I should not tell you to do all of this
I am the unlikely mom: I don't want you to behave
I just want you to get your way,
I just want you to smile, **** what the world
has to say

They'll try to keep you away, lead you astray
all because they love you to death
and it's true, but it's a peril too
when love keeps you away from you
So love, love, love till your heart cracks
even if they call it awful names and words;
Love, love, love the world is the law.
And your heart won't crack,
because it grows stronger with every move and touch

be a vessel of vitality
be a vessel of your own cause
just mess with it all!

I am in a debris state
My feet got tired of running (away)...

I tried to be
but got lost in the jungle of me

And they had lives where I had a coffin
And life is wider than rules and regulations
Life is wider than They thought
And they got drunk and ****** and lived
while I stayed locked up in my fears
While the ghosts chased me non-stop
The only high I know is benzodiacepines'
Am I to be sorry for that?