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142 · Nov 2020
Hunger repressed
Courtney O Nov 2020
The hunger breaks
takes what it's hers
fills with desire
and now creates regret
I need his touch
(only thing in the world,
if stripped from anything else)

Hunger repressed but looming there
it makes no common or uncommon sense
the guilt lashes out at me
still I sigh and wish
but ah! the Emperor stings
with his plan stiff
but he's gone, he's kicked
he's put to rest for better things
142 · Apr 2019
Paranoia everywhere
Courtney O Apr 2019
Waves come and go
But you are not the waves themselves
More words pouring from God's mouth
In the shape of my friends

Paranoid thinking all over the place
I can't perceive its true face
It hides, it eludes recognition
It creeps into my heart
It's all black, no white
It's the devil in disguise

One day up, two down
Two days high, one so low
My mood shifts as paranoia seizes me
Feeling my guts do the old shrinking
My mood shifts and so does the suffering
Tears and wide smiles
I see the Sun, I see it drown
I see it clear, I see it not
142 · Mar 2018
Old friends
Courtney O Mar 2018
Now I see it clear - through the smoke and laughter
Now I see it clear - what I did for years

I fell in love with you, with your image in the mirror
I was on drugs, drugs of desperate connection

So I liked you, I tried to like you with my heart
Put myself under ties when under the effect of your drugs
To restrain myself from myself - I feared too much
So I liked you, but your rites I could not abide
You were never made of the same matter as I
The requests I could not fill, the requests were not for me
Sounds bleak but...

(Get away from this, you don't belong here, you never did.
Ah, the black and white scheme! Not ever real)

Through the excitement and the stir
There's something else to see...

Because you read my fears,
you see who I am through the cracks and scars
maybe even though I worn a mask
You saw me when I was an embryo,
a sick, sick embryo...

Braille to you
You read me softly when I can't do
Because I'm not you, but I am a part of you.
141 · Oct 2019
Something inside
Courtney O Oct 2019
There is something inside
that you just can't ****
it's the eternal
the chtonic
the real thing
it sleeps for years
next century it lives

You can't stop thinking
what about getting high
on life's drugs

It's nightmares
and dreams
it doesn't hide from you
so why did you do?
Can't speak anymore
yet my mouth dies to!
Sometimes I am too paralyzed
by pleasure
and the rest of the time
I am paralyzed by the afterthought

Just don't let it go
Let it get gone

I am so glad, so many reasons to smile
yet something rots inside
why, oh why?
141 · Feb 2019
Rotten
Courtney O Feb 2019
Something's rotten in my soul
I can hear it silently roar
It makes me idle,
It makes me mute, it makes me numb

Writing a poem - like accomplishing a duty
I need the unload, the freeing
There is a bad soul, within my body
I want to kick this affair,
Get real - I got used to smiling

I am swimming in oblivion
and
I try to find the words
but everything flees and so does my heart

Who decides what is good?
I cannot make up my mind anymore
I've already misunderstood
the whole scheme laid out for us
140 · Apr 2017
The breath of death
Courtney O Apr 2017
I hope this poem dies
I hope this poem is a lie
I hope this never comes true
I hope this poem dies

Am I under
the breath of death?
At it, at it again

Leave me a sweet taste in my mouth
Turning sour, bitter afterwards
Make me feel sure and at home
Then the big hitting - or none at all
Comes!
And that's how it comes - unseen, undone
And next thing - he's gone

I had higher, higher expectations for you
I broke what we had...
We need a resolution - what shall we find?
The runaway, you try to settle down...

Are we another story to be told
To strangers and not us?
Something that passed, nothing more than the shadow of a scar
A mark more in the gun.
140 · Nov 2017
Call in sick
Courtney O Nov 2017
I was sick today
you were sick too
Sick us two

But lying in your arms while sick
is pure pleasure to me
instant healing
or at least instant relief

Do you love me the way I love you?
First it was good because it was ******* breathing
******* true
The pain, the pain in me
I do  not know why I get so sick
To know I wish

But have no doubt inside that I love you way too much.
139 · Aug 2019
Off the ward II (Good day)
Courtney O Aug 2019
I am off the ward
The lights - they kind of
blind my eyes
but I am so high
Kisses all over me, rushes late at night
Tears sometimes - part of the pack

I am witnessing the world
Never, never, never stop
And to witness is to know
To know, entails to hold

I got out after I was healed
but getting out was part of it
I've got a lot of things to live
"Time ticks away like a bomb"
I am not missing anymore

I am off the ward
I bet I'm going to have fun
Keep a sword by my side
The shadows lurk around
138 · Jun 2019
Ophelia or Gertrude
Courtney O Jun 2019
You have to choose!
Ophelia or Queen Gertrude
draw blood in your arm
lose your mind for a man
or
dry your tears and be blamed
because you've done

Ophelia - broken girl
never a woman, always less
Ophelia are you my fate
I refuse to wear your name!

Queen Gertrude oprobium,
hate, and guilt upon you
Because you dared to be yourself
Give up the chains, simply reign
Rocked yourself to ***
You dance at life's pace.

But I feel Opheliac this morning
and I know it's not the deal
She died young and had no fun
She's no role model to me
I've already had my share of her ilk -
I've already lost my mind and gained it back

And I felt Gertrude yesterday
and I felt such shame
But to be on fire kills all blame

But ah, maybe real women are not
black and white schemes
we carry the rainbow inside
you can't put us into boxes and if you dare to do
I will indeed be Queen Gertrude,
because I am not going to die anymore
I am not taking blindly what comes,
I won't accept the idea of doom
I am not mourning for you, I know more now, I do
138 · May 2018
Bitter
Courtney O May 2018
Bitter taste in my mouth
Growing like **** rather than grass
You love me but just in your bed
It's what I fear
what holds me still

No one will shut me down
Not a lover - at all
I need to get this off my chest...

Bitter to see
how we drift apart
And it breaks my heart
Probably it's just my mind
But I am justifying you all the time

It hurts...to be away
Shame on my name
Must I endure this hurricane
Will we be destroyed or will we walk out sane

I need you, close to me
The words choke, dying on my throat
Digestion gone bad, you pay the toll
In your hammering thoughts
Growing anxiety, the wrong side of love

It stirs me - the whole thing
Always sweating a fever - or feverish
We are good, I must learn to see
The devils calling out my name
Are not voices to believe
138 · Dec 2020
Watch me, dear
Courtney O Dec 2020
Watch me! I ain't who I was
I am who I've always been

You turn your head - you can't believe it's me
I can't either believe - I got freed
Watch me proud in the streets
Watch my madness gone sweet
My madness gone the right way, finally
Courtney O Jun 2019
I have to walk along with this wound
turning to scar sometimes, at last
I didn't choose it, but it seems to be it
I am not my illness; but it walks along me

And I have to come to terms with it every morning
It sabotages me and makes me strong.
I can't kick it. It is like a smothering rope, around my chest.
I am not my illness; but we are united bitterly

Lover or nurse - don't make me choose!
My illness came to make the most of me
It was something I had to touch with my hand
She's a topic to explain,
She's something I can't explain quite well
Yet she is there
I am not my illness; I will get free
Drown my hands in this rabbit hole
till I reach MY SOUL
137 · Sep 2017
Variations on desire
Courtney O Sep 2017
Desire frozen
what a fun, ironic way to be
the waters, way too cold
so they freeze, their flowing stops

Desire bound
Would rip his clothes off
A crazy broken vessel in my brain
or what?

I ****** up again - myself
Never smothered, this fire
working with wAter even higher

Dry waters - what could be or what it is?
running inside me
paralyze me
move me to this

Would have kissed you
Like a teenage schizoid girl
In a stupor herself made
But let's not lie - I'm not the ******* same
This hunger never stops
I'm like a hungry, hungry Wolf
for love...

I am not looking for your ****
as much as I look for love
I crave skin on skin
I crave sweet sweetest things

Little boy, my big boy
He's so beautiful it hurts
but the space between us
makes us dizzy
makes him feel aimless
makes me feel stupid

And I go away
without a Kiss from your lips.
And I leave
with a taste bittersweet.
And I wonder
which are those things I feel
I wonder about my Friends
the mess, sometimes beautiful, we are in
I wonder about we pull away from
what we love the most.
137 · May 2019
May poem
Courtney O May 2019
May it looks hectic and hellish
May is rotten away
May is a triumph of love against world's face
But oh, the battle
May - pain
Fading from black to grey
And back again.

A crown of thorns
May tastes sour, bitter
A bad thought! A new doubt!
Why does it come

I make the weather
And the weather makes me too.
Who does who?

The eyes of the world are a strain
They increase and excite my inner pain
But I have come to see
that once again
the problem is somehow me

May is going to be hard
But let's trust each other's hand
Let's trust the flow that nourished us so far

I always see a problem come
but never see happiness when it does
I am attuned to disaster

A hiatus - not really
we'll live in the margins
but we will live
though
137 · Sep 2019
Scared new girl (A letter)
Courtney O Sep 2019
I am a scared whole new girl
This is who I am, then...

I haven't seen you yet,
and I haven't seen myself
but this is an anticipation
of what you might get

First things first:
I never went to Sweden with him
but my dreams still live,
whoever wants to, can join me

My man left me; I left him after
I became queen Gertrude, and it felt good...
It takes courage to do what you must do

I am not all addicted to his drugs no more
I am kicking the vice...and I have a new one
***** the tears and the pain I had
It just takes new shapes, is he willing to abide?
I am taking a chance, I am moving on
I am happy - although I don't really know

I know only 4 months have passed
what you'll find is a different lass
(I am closer to me in every step I take and
my crazy style ain't going ever away)
but a lot more...grown up, about to crash
about to explode
like fireworks in the sky
like overheated dynamite

But I enjoy the blows I'm given
I am scared as ****, but that won't make me
ever stop

And I am ready to join you again
Because I am not obsessed
with making friends this year
I don't think as much as I did:
that's a strong point for me

This wasn't planned at all
but sometimes life plots ahead
showing you what it is about
but rarely letting you down

I sign off; I do not know
what you will find
but you will find something better
than I was last time
Uncertainty at its peak
But I can put up with it

Psychotic Poetess (you don't really know
who I am)
137 · Jun 2017
Something dark
Courtney O Jun 2017
There's something dead between us two
I killed it. Or did you? Did we?
Things are not the way they've been
Although I fought till bleed

There's something dead between us two
You're here, but I'm still ******
You're here, but the problems still knock
Is it true or do I Project again in you?
There's something dark between us
But not comforting as the night

Can I saVe it? Can you?
There's something dead between us
we better acknowledge it
before it spreads up
136 · Jul 2017
Bound, unbound
Courtney O Jul 2017
His smile is wide - he does as he likes
he's not like the rest but he couldn't care less
He's me, if I ever was unbound
He's unbound - that's why he smiles so much
He's been heard - when he dwelled in hell
He's loved! He's beautiful! He's true!
He's free like the wind and no one clips his wings
(but I am untying my strings
no matter how strong blows the wind)
Unlike me, the broken bird
writing a poem about a guy I met.
He's just a man. I make the rest out of him.
Poem about what I see in my cousin.
Courtney O Jul 2019
To know I know now
and I pushed you away back then!
Like a little girl with the new toy
between my legs

To see the truth clear
that I love you, I think
but I do not dare say
now I know it is real

To have your vision blurred
by a million mists
yet knowing you've witnessed
something at last but not least!

To yearn for you in a way I had never felt
it breaks my heart, but I can cope well
I won't die anymore, but I can tell
if we don't survive, it will be a bit of hell
In fact, somehow it is, and has been
Paradise and hell - so close in a way

I don't want the past back. At all. I don't.
I want to create something that blows our minds.
Do you love me? (Or have I killed that)
Do I love you back? No anxiety, no fear of abandonment
this time?
Be careful - but do not fear too much
Beware - of yourself, but do not fret
Do not stifle yourself!
Stay tuned to the possibility of mess - but please do not stress
136 · Nov 2020
Excessive people
Courtney O Nov 2020
Talk a lot
eat a lot
**** a lot
This is the path to heaven
get born!

Be excessive in your thirst;
all willing, all open, all craving
all juicy, all glossy, all big
if you have to be addicted
let it be to this thrill

Sing a lot, laugh a lot, sleep a lot
and wake up next to the one you love!
Grow roots while rooted in now
be a perpetual teenager
in love with the things you've found
All you have is this match - set it on fire

Be happy!
Talk to God!
In a late party talk
in a midnight ****
in your ice cream bowl
go ahead and find love
136 · May 2019
Blind vision
Courtney O May 2019
The doors have opened wide
in front of my eyes
I see a future bright and scary
I have to step inside

I will never forget the days I spent with you
I won't forget you were the first to see through
I won't forget your sweet love and *** in Berlin
In fact me and my hand haven't so far

But I have to say
it's getting too much to stay
too much pain too much nerves
And I don't want anymore to depend
I feel a peace I can't explain

Can we solve it?
Can we keep on trying?
or is it reckless senseless persisting?
What do I want? I need your body close
Without you I'm an empty box
You are the distiller of my thoughts

But I see, I need this to be
I gave you too much of me
To the point where I would break you
I've got a vision I can't see
But I have to try at least

How to say goodbye
when the gods whisper in your ear
and you still love the guy?
I want to cry in your arms
over this beautiful mistake
will meet you again in another life

What if there is only back to black without
It's not okay using you as my layout
Am I simply entertaining myself too well?
If I do, why do I want to stay there?

I feel vertigo
it seizes my guts
yet I know this is life
what I dreaded for so much
135 · Jan 2019
Watching Dr Who
Courtney O Jan 2019
Matt Smith
in the computer screen
lights me up
Doctor Who and bowties
My mind wanders, my heart flies
And is distracted from itself
do I find myself that way?

How to know what the heart wants
and what the body wants?
every leer carries inside
the germ of something more
every ***** thought
is the cleanest of them all

Everytime you are desperate
seeking for a stranger's embrace
you are looking for the eternal source
to fill your empty space...
You don't need a man. You don't need a girl.
You need a lifeline
to the core of the earth
something that I can barely express
(his love...in his mattress)
you are not in need of ***
you are in need of all it takes

And I have this feeling
that times comes and goes at irregular intervals.
That we are (un)stuck in time,
and it reappears but never goes back.
(I think too much)

This skin will also die.
My love reincarnates.
Like the Doctor does.

Ah, sweet urge.
Won't you come and see me more?
135 · Mar 2019
Pulling away
Courtney O Mar 2019
Sometimes I can see
The shadow of all we've been

Lost and confused
Separate and diffuse
You are pulling away from me
Is it, is it true?

If everything is going back in time
so can we
But I can't go back because
I am not the same chick

We are big but we come from the ground
My birth was hard but it was worth it all
Your birth was getting rid of your befores
I want to keep swimming with you - kiss each other not to choke

Are we pulling away
Each on our own way
I can't take this again
But if it comes, nothing left to say
135 · Jun 2019
Tired/Coda
Courtney O Jun 2019
Oh dear I got tired
but I don't know why
Do I?

Was it my pain in the chest
every Saturday night
was it paranoia
or was it God shedding some light

Was it my insecurity
playing tricks on me
or were you tricking me
with these chicks
I don't know - all of this
A part of me feels
like it has been heard so it doesn't scream

And I am not sure - but it's not us
I just feel overwhelmed, don't want to
be unright
We are coming to our end, and there are no tears in sight
I cried much before this came.

I can feel it in my bones - a new era comes
and it's up to me to learn from the rabbit hole
get bigger, never small
But the words freeze when they come to my mouth
I want to sing but I just blurt
Words get lost...so
I get lost, I get lost
Everything so critical, everything so strange
Everything so distant, everything on the edge
I just want to lick the blade...its taste
Don't let me die here, in a world so contained.
I don't want to cry, I just need my inner life.
134 · Jul 2019
That girl
Courtney O Jul 2019
In memory of all those broken children. Don't let them win! Win back your soul! Stand up! Fight!
PS: All you ******* could not **** me.*

That girl in the corner of the world
Shoring up the waste and the beauty of her soul
She died, but oh her corpse
I carry it some of the time

That girl that can't believe her own worth
That she's not utter **** or something worse
That she's human, has got a heart
and a body, and it needs to be loved.
The girl bullied anytime she speaks,
anytime she dares to merely be. In her ugly sweater and unsexy jeans,
tangled up hair, deadened stare,
her fear to breathe, for fear the air will choke her.
(It will)

She's dead. She had to die. Otherwise, I would have.
But that girl carries corpses and demons inside!
She smiles, so wide and bright
and gets high
on stupid compliments because she still thinks what she was told
or shown
or punched to accept!
The venom seeping deep in her veins
how to forget the dark in the middle of the day?
A goodbye when everybody has just arrived

She's dead. But I am not.
And now I flaunt my weirdness all along
and people love me
and most of all: I can love myself
and the pills they do help
but the path is carved by myself, I guess
This poem is about bullying, something I have suffered myself.
134 · Aug 2017
Death II
Courtney O Aug 2017
I wrote my final words
slowly but carefully
now the charade
now the life gone away

A ray of light
before death
I won't lie to myself
At the city I am lost
the gates of Babylon closed
words from my heart
not easily they come
134 · Jul 2019
Alien energy field
Courtney O Jul 2019
I am the alien from the 108
You are my cosmic bound
We met high up above
There is a layer of God on top
That's why this thread around our bodies
this golden thread that will make us choke

And sure I changed your life
and sure you changed mine
I am the alien from the 108 - pink hair
turbulent eyes, a explosion of chaos

Now we can really join - we are apart
This universal force takes a toll
on unexpected passengers in that road
those who live through it but did not know
Those who can see but are still small
smaller than the energy generated
that confuses and clears the vision field

Now I am broken down
and full throttle!
We are bigger than the world
we are fire, we are a unmissable link
this doesn't rhyme now
no need for it
we rhyme perfectly
our needs they used to meet
we rhyme to the point we bleed
133 · Nov 2020
Created war
Courtney O Nov 2020
The devil was you,
I used to think to myself it was true
but it was growing in me too
It took on my soul
And no matter how much I rioted
or acted up
I was hostage
of a sick world
In fact, I acted up because I knew I would lose
but I wouldn't have lost maybe
except for you
You aren't poisonous but you and I
like toxic waste react
And letting you take over me
is to lose again a created war
133 · May 2018
Passive Aggressive II
Courtney O May 2018
You think you can hide
who you are from my eyes
But I see for miles
what others can't perceive
I see what I can't speak

You think I don't see
but my eyes are cat eyes
You and I are each other's worst fear
I see in the dark

You think you can make me angry again
Throw my life down the sink.
I know it wasn't what you intended it to be
I cannot be flooded out by you
But I cannot let you win

Your little obsessions
that talk of your world
your authoritarian ways
that you can't easily stop
they flow out your mouth
like the air you expel with each breath

I paint a picture of you that's distorted
but not much more than mother's
I paint a picture of you shaped by
all the disappointments you made
only healed by time and efforts on your side
(what is right is right)
but you are who you are
and I am who I am
132 · Jul 2017
Seven months
Courtney O Jul 2017
Seven months of love
Of kissing in the mechanic stairs
in the gaps to fill of the day
we would flourish
Late nights at the keyboard
"I'd love to be at your side"

Seven months of wondering
what is all this about
Seven months of doubt!
of being pushed against the wall
and loving every minute of it
of going back and forth
waiting impatiently for your call
Your love, your love, your love! Oh
Seven months of paranoid thinking
"Will you cheat on me
Are you hiding something"
Usually, some of the time
of lit-up poems - you set me on fire
of waters in a roar - whole lakes that I own
of your steaming glasses - when we're steaming too
How you take them off
How I see you filled with love

Seven months of asking myself questions
that life throws to my face
they would never have showed themselves
hadn't you came

Seven months - that I spent telling myself each day
"This is not gonna last"
Yet here I am. Writing these confusing, life affirming lines.

Seven months of
psychotic
love
132 · Jul 2017
Broken Saturday
Courtney O Jul 2017
Another broken Saturday
I remember when all your time was for us
I remember no strings attached
You're slowly getting bored of me

Another broken lonely Saturday
I won't try to act something I'm not
I miss you and it's what it's this about
I'm lonely and it's because of you
Your watered-down Emojis, all the things that I read

Why won't you talk to me
where do we lead, where do we go
from here
What do you want from all of this?
What is the natural progression of it?
I want you, I want you but I love you even more
Can't you see what I'm feeling now

Meeting in the morning to have ***
Your interest in me sometimes I certainly think has changed
I remember all our plans
Watch out for the signs, Cosmopolitan warns
It's bringing me down, it's tearing me apart

But you must have the ***** and guts
to tell me what's up
If something's wrong
I won't be your *****
Will I?
I will be anything for your love
132 · Jul 2019
So hooked!
Courtney O Jul 2019
So hooked!

I can't make up my mind
this drug kicks in too much!
So hooked!
It's such a rush
that ends up in hell's town

I haven't gave up on you yet
you're my cigarrettes!
So hooked!
Sparkles of him fly on the air
and crash against my man's face

So hooked! So caught!
So scorching - but so hot
So tiresome - why can't you let go?
Why can't you let me walk?
Towards my new road
132 · Sep 2019
Clerk's poem
Courtney O Sep 2019
I've been drowning for hours
those are the thoughts
wanna peek into my broken home?

So out of my element, so stressed
My glitter water, my magic powder
I will create something out of this mess

I am one of those freaks
I am one of those wild meeks
Can't let this get to me

I've been drowning for hours
in a puddle
of my own undone pulsions
of something I can't name
but it ******* ached

I felt it coming back
all of that crap...
Thin guys - thin desire
That heartbeat rising and dying
at the same agonic time
Closed mouth - hands tightly shut
in that famous knot
Thin mentality - beauty in an urn
But I smashed it the moment I felt the Sun
Is it up to me, for the Sun to burn

Trust nothing - not even your mind
in fact, that's the least reliable one
trust your Soul, your shining Sun! it lies in your Heart

The tragedy is I might love you
we created a monster
that comes and saves us in unlikely moments
but you might not care about this poem

What about him? I love him, too
it's a work in progress - it goes good

but yesterday I just ****** up
on my actions
and my world is a weird puzzle
where everything connects
no internal logic yet
but synapses going nuts instead
so enlightening, so sick,
sometimes, so great

But what do I think now
it makes no sense
I am drowning,
once again

My mind - sharp and clear
I will die for this
for the afterwards bliss
131 · Jun 2018
How to break a soul
Courtney O Jun 2018
Got close to the place today
The place where it all began and died
It's like coming home
but coming home with a drain
coming home with a pain
A home that was only a house
Isn't everyone the same?

Tears come to my eyes
I wanna curl up and cry
when I'm back
to the place where I used to die.

Never kissed, never loved
Never listened, never grows
This is how you break a soul
Got far away, but always close
This is how you sew the hole

So much death, so much life
I was confused, but I always knew
"Why don't you kick dark off you
I can't kick myself off me, it's true"
And darkness always holds me
when no one does

Now I stand there, healed but still stirred
Because there is nothing pills cannot make
nothing love cannot save
(and I'm not ashamed; still insane!)
I could walk up there
to reconcile my love and hate
Makes (a little) sense in the light of today
Still you'd all choke on me and my man
And I would happily take that! Like you - I never was!

This is the coda to a bitter song
This is the progressive healing of the heart.
I am back - but I won't ever be.
You'll see me rise - I see.
131 · Jun 2018
The town of Love
Courtney O Jun 2018
The thrills not fully sweated
I have never been here
This is my first time, see

What is love? This is a new town
I am not used to roam
The calm separation...cutting slow
If cutting at all!

Is kisses all our bond?
It is bond enough, is it not?
Is there anything broke
we haven't spotted?
A low tide taking my soul

I think sometimes I am about to break, to faint,
to fall
But it's just the shock
of life to those who died once

[Old bitter wives tales baffling my ears
They feed on and feed all of my fears
**** them, set them free - exorcize these tears]

I fear what things might mean
I fear everything, no matter what it is
I fear, I fear, I fear
Most used verb by me!
Grow strong, grow tall like a tree
Only that way you'll be free
131 · Dec 2017
Dear Amy
Courtney O Dec 2017
Amy you could not sleep
when heartbroken by Blake
You dreaded sleep, because of him
All I do is to hide between the sheets instead
to forget this pain in my chest
"To sleep, perchance to dream"
To sleep, be suspended still
And wake up to find
He's still missing, he ain't still here.
131 · Jul 2019
Again? No, not again
Courtney O Jul 2019
I know I have some wrong ways
but so do you, babe

I am at the beach - you are the water
soaking my feet and my legs
and I love it, but ah what comes after
Change something, it can't work other manner
I can't get out from your spell - but your water
has a bitter aftertaste

And here I am, talking to your walls
What am I running after, or running from?
Your kiss, let it rule and ride along
Let it seize, take control
But I can't hide the depth of what you make me feel
I love the ******* as much as the caress

I haven't forgot you a single minute.
Did you, did you?
But I can't go on the way we did
it will surely **** me
And it will **** the ****** flower
we killed ourselves

So again? No, not again
Not ever back there
But your kiss is powerful
like a thunder in the silence
like a furious frenzied tune
in the amidst of noises
that clears up the doubts
that sows thrills and chills
a call from the Devil
or God - I think it's God's
131 · Nov 2020
Dissociative or what?
Courtney O Nov 2020
I am one or I am many
who gives a **** as long as you are happy
What you are looking for - the everyday carries!

I am one but I have shards
I polish them with a million words
a million songs, a million hugs

I am one and I am I
That's the only thing you shouldn't hide
So let me at least have a guide
that I can fully make mine

How to put into order my crazy travel
all ecstasy, wonder, and mystery unravelled

Uncomfortable on your skin - might be the case
if such is, then get some rest, and you
will beam colours, your true self
now go outside, get fed
131 · Dec 2019
Waves forever
Courtney O Dec 2019
Not to feed
upon
pain
rage
bad vibes
but onto
that free flowing movement
the waves
Remember them?

The waves carry you everywhere
You just need
to let 'em
But it's not easy, I agree

Not to die
Not to fight
Not to obsess
To trust
-hardest stuff-
To think well
and not too much anyway
To live
it's art
you need nothing else
if you get it
you need no further

To drown yourself
in the sound and the love
in your million doubts
hold them close
do not let them eat you up

To drown yourself
in waters only giving access
to other realms
130 · Apr 2018
Choose life
Courtney O Apr 2018
"Choose life", but what is more vital?
To follow the dead beats of biology
or go seeking a star?
or face death bravely?

Life is saving your neck
and those you love to death
Life is not selfless,
unless selflessly you live

Life is not easy
Life is an affirmation daily

"Choose life", they say
But no one would win
And beauty is always different from
bourgeoisie's
And I have this fear deep down in me
And I need an excuse to shake it off
Choose the bright side
and never be sorry about
life is beyond words
Poem about considering abortion.
130 · Nov 2020
Approval
Courtney O Nov 2020
Reality seems to divert and distort
- when you and I speak
I am confused and can't see straight
but reality never died away
him and me exist

He loves me - I love him back
So what? So what?
Armed with that peace
I will pave my way to the stars.

Everything's gonna be alright
I will slip through the cracks
to meet you at night
They never understood - it's okay,
I'm fine
130 · Nov 2020
On freedom
Courtney O Nov 2020
In freedom you can thrive
you can expand these wings and finally
fly
in freedom you'll reach your peak
but freedom could make you
bruised and a bit
confused, (you see)
but you are free to be,
so just be

freedom is the sweet risk
you need to find what you need
so don't yearn for the chains
instead, run wild till your feet ache
only in freedom does love grow
130 · May 2019
The horror, the horror
Courtney O May 2019
I look at her leg -
I just can't process
it's not ***, it's not ***!
Then, what else?

A defectuous pressure over there
Nothing to do with him
But it's so real, so clear
You can't just let it pass you by

I've been particularly bad these days
Problems with my *** drive and everything else
Slowly slowly, things did escalate
I knew I was heading for mayhem
Did I care?
And here I am, again in non-pain

I look at her leg - I want to run away
The awakening is followed not by the Sun
But this life feels so odd, it's not my own
Everything upside down

The horror, the horror
has many shapes
but this one is the superb one
129 · Jun 2018
Going back to Ramsdale
Courtney O Jun 2018
I left a hole in you.
You left a hole in me.
I could walk afterwards,
maybe you never did
Massive explosion
Ghostly still

Tracing back the path
Who won and why?
What forces lied behind?
How does it affect
what happens now

Were we made to last
and did I **** up?

What did you mean for me?
Much less than him
now the rain falls
The mist comes
And I wonder about me, about us

Ramsdale
do you hold the answers?
129 · Sep 2017
Snake
Courtney O Sep 2017
You are my Iago
You feed on my fears
You are a snake
A snake to me
You show me the ugly side of things
when you barely understand them
Filling my mind with **** taking me nowhere

I am starting to get tired
of you whispering in my ear such crap
Take away my glee from me
I am starting to get tired
because dear life is not an app
that you can test and you can try

I am starting to get tired
of having a second father
found in you
I am starting to get tired
of your rational stuff
You fooled me once
won't fool me twice
129 · Jul 2017
Friends from Lisbon
Courtney O Jul 2017
I'm not in love - he's not my crush
But I have never wrote a sad poem for his cause.
Lately he's been creeping up into my heart
slowly dosing himself in my blood
Giving me his shoulder when I need to cry
what a fool I've been all this time
to despise the man
That reads me so well and so much

He's just a friend - he has many shadows, well
he is a pain in the *** sometimes
but he genuinely cares
and that solves everything
and his advice resonates in my ears
when he says cry no more for this
he's a Little laughter, a sweet thing to be found
and I need no more confirmation
of the things that really matter in this life
Poem to my Portuguese friend Tiago.
129 · Dec 2020
Parents
Courtney O Dec 2020
They raise you
as a baby, they put mosquito nets
around you not to get stung
because they care
they want to cry when they first
see your face

but it's easy to love someone with no identity
a potentiality, someone without eyes
it's pure, indeed, but I don't want it for me
I see the cracks on the dream,
because the cracks are in my skin

and also, they are deeply afraid
of who you become
when you acquire these eyes
of your own
they are paralyzed, in shock
the tales they bought for you
with their guts bought!
and you need no prince,
and you just need to be free...

Our worlds are light years apart,
but this is it, what it is like, no turning back
So away. We'll never be friends.
Let us not converge. Too much at stake.

Yet they celebrate undercover your smile -
even if they don't really get why
yet they care, still, in a very strange way!

it's true they were your kings most of the time
when you were a baby, you couldn't imagine
this would be your life
and neither do they, in fact
but now we are the same, and we can look each other
in the eye...and you thank them for the effort,
the love that led you astray, the love that wanted you safe
even if you never aspired to such
even if you are the challenge they never asked for
129 · Dec 2017
You're back
Courtney O Dec 2017
So many memories
of sharing pain and joy
Memories
that you shrugged off
but...

You're back after a long time
what a glee when I saw your name again!
Carefully caressing each other's wounds
in the cold cozyness of lonely rooms
Discussing everything
My little cheap psychologist

You're back and we still at that
Living in a maze, talking about affairs
Our lives they carry on, they never stop
I'm glad you're back to watch them flow
with me
To swim in an ocean of passion, trouble, love.

You're back and it's joy for the heart
Dear friend, get a seat.
Let's begin, how has it been? How it was?

Ghostly appearance that feels so real!
You're back, dear.
128 · Sep 2019
Afraid again
Courtney O Sep 2019
Afraid of my past, as it always was
Afraid of losing my mind
another time

Like a pattern written by God
Afraid of things going wrong
Because I've been here before
I can only accept, I can only abide
it goes outside of my scope
I cannot control, I cannot know

I change with the Moon
you change when  I do
the terrible pattern calls out
I drown, I drown.

Afraid of this pain in my chest
of demise unfolding the same old way
because it was a blaze
but I survived,
I kind of raised from the dead
(I never accepted death)

Why can't I just trust men?
Why they never help?
I wonder where you are now and what you do
Because I'm so afraid of what could
Of the unavoidable, an unconscious doom.
128 · Jun 2018
Sweet psychiatric ward
Courtney O Jun 2018
Am I falling sick again?
Can you spot the patterns?
Am I going back in my steps
Is my brain battling back
How to swim this tide
That smothers and chokes
I will be lost without your love

And I look back, I look back
into my wounds same old schemes
so obscene
I look back to find an answer
in the past
What made it break that time?
Old lovers coming back at me to haunt
Patterns, can I control?

Tarot cards and omens fly
I have a million lenses for a pair of eyes
They impair my sight
My body is reduced to my mind
And I cannot put my wings to use
And go to Earth - only truth

I forgot the path
was tough but always with a smile
I don't decide
Although something breaks inside
stirs up
refuses to die

Why I kiss death so sweet?
I have no control of this
But going back to hell
Maybe it's the only way

My brain is no good
Save me from
I am shredded to the core
And every bandage cuts more
Give me a kiss if we have to go
Don't leave like that - you made me ***
127 · Nov 2019
Familiarity is a bitch
Courtney O Nov 2019
Familiarity is a *****
She's a very weird one indeed
She's the upside and the downside - everything!
To see you again and feel some of what I always felt
Even if it's dead - familiarity is the ghost that stays
So many people wrecked
because of familiarity's spell
So many people healed and brought back to the Sun
because of familiarity's hug
People kissing old lovers, folks lost in drugs

Familiarity - a small stone in my shoe...
Fiona was right all the time,
"I just really used to love him",
and familiarity
is what broke her then,
familiarity is the quiet storm
in a muddy heart
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