I need you to stop being the canvas
Where I throw my bunch of pain
I need you to stop being honey
so I can taste you again

I have filled this so much with crap
Without being aware at all
How to proceed now
When you were just a button
of love's eternal blossom

I saw the departure points
the paths of my own brain
And I will do anything in my hand
to reverse the curse I've been cast

This poem goes nowhere
I said once,
ditch it all, burn burn burn

But you can't go back
you can only fix what's done
the only good thing
the only bad thing
often they are the same

Give myself a little permission
to go crazy is what I need
Love (that word I fear)
is taking me to the gutter

I am so blocked
Even divided, broke
Not to lose the flame
or is it going weaker every day?
13 again, no, not again

I can't go back there again
I will die instead
And I don't need to be saved
I need to save myself

To accept hell always is there
hidden in a small place
where it burns and gives brightness
to the point it blinds sometimes

At least I think I know where I am.
Is this a good path?
How to just BURN?
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts

There is a pain in my chest

I have a lot to say but the words collapse in my mouth
I feel strained - uneasy and frozen
I cannot connect with the source, the source is away
I lose myself in daydreams, but no meaning below them
They feel dead

How come - how come this hell?
I cannot even look at, but I must, if I want to put an end
Hell is man-made, thoughts and weird ideas popped there
I know it well, for years I lived in the place

If I could simply live in synchronicity
if I could simply be
all the ******* time
what I am
nothing else
just a tinsel existence
just unfreezing myself
I see for miles
I need to do for miles

You could have been my star
But guess what, you did not want
You slipped from my sky
You slipped from my chaos
could eat us alive
I needed to slip from it too
but you did not come back
and that's good.

I gave you my heart,
I felt it helplessly all the time
I could not understand
what went on most of the time
but my heart was rotten
this I didn't know
I was gifting you my all
but my all was venomous
but my all was wrong
it wasn't enough!
but it is all I have
please lovers take my hand
this broken heart
is all I really can have
it mends on its own
it needs no nurse or doc
just eyes...and hands
and love,
and love,
and love,
that word I cannot stand
that word I really don't understand
what we crave
what makes us great
salvation in a trap
the hidden treasure
that we obtain in magic,
fabulous ways

I declare the state of poemless
Most magic fled from me
I will keep myself on this plain bread
But I can't stop thinking of the garden that was there

State of poemless, seeking pleasures
but the pleasures are gone
There is a hole
in my guts
I've been here before
but that's ****, it doesn't matter anymore

I stumble around in my head
I ****** up something I cannot really name
crashing
making noises that cloud my Sun
I was ****** up before, sure
but I had outlets, I had doors,
I was not as lost
I focused on the wrong, after finding a door
I obliterated it - like I did back then

Only the blows from God move my mouth
All I need is the clarity, where I left it at?
Reality hurts like a sore wound
Reality is the solution, but she hides

Because order is a *****
because neatness is a punishment
This mental jail won't **** me
but this time I won't fight like
I always did
It's not a matter of lose or win,
it's a matter of...discovering
of using words in a way
that they are not words anymore
of waiting for the storm
to finish, for the rain to wash
Still I feel empty, I feel not great
How could I in a state
of beautyless?
I am still a part of the sky
but my light is going dim
it hurts, it hurts, it hurts

You had me, boys
You had this mad girl losing it all for you
(inhibitions, mind, fears too)
But I will end up alone because you are no good

You had my will, my body, my heart
I gave it all for you, you left a mark, but
Would I die for love
instead of bleeding for love?
It's something I wonder a lot
I guess I would, if I knew you were true

Because I showed you my everything
it's the way I work, all or nothing
I showed you the wounds, I showed the joy
But you lost me, boys

It hurts in my late bed
but I am okay, I guess
It doesn't surprise me at all
the world's not worth a thought

The madwoman speaks:
you could have had me, it didn't take much
I think
*******, I say
I am so hurt at you I can't be kind
The ward is taking hold of my soul
it kicks you ******* out

Afraid of my past, as it always was
Afraid of losing my mind
another time

Like a pattern written by God
Afraid of things going wrong
Because I've been here before
I can only accept, I can only abide
it goes outside of my scope
I cannot control, I cannot know

I change with the Moon
you change when  I do
the terrible pattern calls out
I drown, I drown.

Afraid of this pain in my chest
of demise unfolding the same old way
because it was a blaze
but I survived,
I kind of raised from the dead
(I never accepted death)

Why can't I just trust men?
Why they never help?
I wonder where you are now and what you do
Because I'm so afraid of what could
Of the unavoidable, an unconscious doom.