It's 9:32 PM and I am waiting for your message
like the hysterical ***** I am - you have no clue yet
the ghost of him lingers around and floats on air
or is merely a ghost all of myself?

It's 9:32 PM and I have already been here
The same old pressure in the chest and catastrophy
But this time I switch
This time, the pain I ditch

I swallow the pain like a pill
that slides inside my throat like an usual drill.
If you **** me over, I can leave.
Do not be that bleeding lady, that hurt chick.

This is good for writing poems, it is
but life and poetry do not always meet

I am a scared whole new girl
This is who I am, then...

I haven't seen you yet,
and I haven't seen myself
but this is an anticipation
of what you might get

First things first:
I never went to Sweden with him
but my dreams still live,
whoever wants to, can join me

My man left me; I left him after
I became queen Gertrude, and it felt good...
It takes courage to do what you must do

I am not all addicted to his drugs no more
I am kicking the vice...and I have a new one
***** the tears and the pain I had
It just takes new shapes, is he willing to abide?
I am taking a chance, I am moving on
I am happy - although I don't really know

I know only 4 months have passed
what you'll find is a different lass
(I am closer to me in every step I take and
my crazy style ain't going ever away)
but a lot more...grown up, about to crash
about to explode
like fireworks in the sky
like overheated dynamite

But I enjoy the blows I'm given
I am scared as ****, but that won't make me
ever stop

And I am ready to join you again
Because I am not obsessed
with making friends this year
I don't think as much as I did:
that's a strong point for me

This wasn't planned at all
but sometimes life plots ahead
showing you what it is about
but rarely letting you down

I sign off; I do not know
what you will find
but you will find something better
than I was last time
Uncertainty at its peak
But I can put up with it

Psychotic Poetess (you don't really know
who I am)

I bet it all to your number
it's the way I roll
I know anyway in this lottery
I end up alone

I risked it everything to your name
got broken, and the hit did ache
I won't be coming back to you
but I am not staying with him anyways
I tried to do my ******* best

I don't know the game we play
it is my fault, is it my shame?
some minutes I am confused as hell
I tell myself, I wasn't born yesterday

Are you men to trust?
That's the hard question we don't ask
This lottery we play - wears me out
keeps me on my toes, gaps a big hole
in my chest
I must do something wrong, or can I put
******* Luck to blame?
I bit a lot -  now about to expel
never, never, never from myself

I've been drowning for hours
those are the thoughts
wanna peek into my broken home?

So out of my element, so stressed
My glitter water, my magic powder
I will create something out of this mess

I am one of those freaks
I am one of those wild meeks
Can't let this get to me

I've been drowning for hours
in a puddle
of my own undone pulsions
of something I can't name
but it ******* ached

I felt it coming back
all of that crap...
Thin guys - thin desire
That heartbeat rising and dying
at the same agonic time
Closed mouth - hands tightly shut
in that famous knot
Thin mentality - beauty in an urn
But I smashed it the moment I felt the Sun
Is it up to me, for the Sun to burn

Trust nothing - not even your mind
in fact, that's the least reliable one
trust your Soul, your shining Sun! it lies in your Heart

The tragedy is I might love you
we created a monster
that comes and saves us in unlikely moments
but you might not care about this poem

What about him? I love him, too
it's a work in progress - it goes good

but yesterday I just ****** up
on my actions
and my world is a weird puzzle
where everything connects
no internal logic yet
but synapses going nuts instead
so enlightening, so sick,
sometimes, so great

But what do I think now
it makes no sense
I am drowning,
once again

My mind - sharp and clear
I will die for this
for the afterwards bliss

My head lights get lit up
in unlikely moments and that's the fun
or did I see that blaze outside
the path could be lit up with blue eyes
All I know is I burnt with light
Burn bright, baby, burn bright.
Everything fits, nothing hurts

I saw a river crossing my days
Hot waters that gently, sweetly sway
It was milk and honey land
I saw somewhere I could grab
I saw for miles, the miles swallowed me back
I felt something, deep inside
It wasn't the actual thing, but
I knew it was the head lights firing up

And the head lights can be turned off quick
but in the same way (I tell you) they get lit
they throw ideas, they throw things
I have to process them, what they mean
is it that the head lights or just losing it?
not immune to the surrounding maze
their hot caress, their warm embrace
Head lights, will you save me from myself?
I am complete, it's you *******
who make me feel else...

Coping is just a solution
you do what you can not what you must
and there's nothing but higher purpose as must
no rules in the land of lust
it's a hard decision to know such
how to put it so I can understand?

Coping is finding a way
then finding you've gone astray
Coping is the key and the lock
Coping it's just the way heart works

But there's something higher,
you will find it like it or not.
The time I coped, I was living good,
on my own. Hands below my *******,
you on the phone.

Beautiful mistake!
Of the planned move - beware
But how to do it, when everything else
fails
when contraries meet

No rules for life, so you get lost some time.
You can trace yourself back. Get found,
so you can be lost again. Wonder, revel.

What I feel for you - something I can't describe
I want the bed with you - I always did want that
But I am afraid the demons are howling again
Using the word love as a threat
This is not love, won't be fooled this time
No big adventure without ditching something
I ditch you pain, I ditch you unhealthy attachment,
I ditch you love, because you tore down my guts

The world has opened its jaws
not to swallow me but to let me gently in
it's showing its teeth, saying "Girl, you can look,
enjoy this"
(Enjoy my sharpness, how I slice you open
but
A butterfly in every ****, an ecstasy
even when you're about to drown)
A gift from above - did I work for it?
The world is smiling at me
It always did, it always did
And the road might be bumpy
And awhile I might have to solve it
But I am on my road
towards
Somewhere better than where I come from.

You are the easy answer
You are a tinsel cilice
you are full of meaning
you are not the solution...
unless we take a resolution
You are the easy path
getting lost in my problems
writing poems
but it's a maze, leading nowhere
You light me up
What is this fuss about?

And I see you again,
and I know I will sin
but I know also right now
things are not what they seem.

The mind is wider than you and me
I will never forget you, but ah,
I see ****...
And I know other lips...
I want to kiss you, but dear
your tinsel cilice made them bleed.
I'm trapped between bodies.
I don't mind if I die like this.