there is this strange,
soft buzz in my vision
static words waft across
the canvas of my consciousness
devoid of connection
roots stem into branches that die
any lie i’ve told might as well be truth
this disconnection starts beneath my tooth
i try to relate through a slate of grey
but every shade is skewed by rain
i have not had a true friend since i was
maybe…
eight

every broken, filthy brick
this wall will fit
between who i think i am
and the worms and dirt and grit

i started my car today through denim sleeves.
thwarted all the evil dreams you had of me.
thought it was easy to pull away my seams.
take the thread and weave a web for us to see
of insecurity.

finally, looking up from these pages
written by satan, demons impatient
seething with anger and waiting
for me to be complacent and eager
to hate everything.

replacing the fallen leaves with fragments
of feeling complete. i feel elated. realization
that nothing is what it means.
i’m becoming what i want to.
triumphantly defiant in the face
of the tyrant. and the tyrant is youth.
disappointing the evil spirits appointed
to me sews the seed of a feeling of freeing
myself from me.

spitting words in between your teeth or  brushing hard like you ate something sweet

i just want you to talk to me

he split the bones in my shins
and broke my nose
broke skin
to avoid a social,
hey how are you
hello
again

settle in and set the kettle
the refs meddling deserve a medal in
the sport of *******
discontent with leveling
the mantle piece, a beast displayed
is causing weather in the living room
we never win
when all we know is heaven sent
disregard for the malcontent
the ones whose hell was heaven spent
content to feel the breeze against the heat
like ice melting on sweet tea

treading water
after the alter
i belong to you
and nothing could ever break my bond

something altered
traumatic summers abroad
finding something better
and returning liking different songs

i believe in forever
forever my deepest flaw
in a generation of
believing in nothing at all

he was the something
and i was just the nothing you sought

i want to be in love again
the necessity of morning coffee beyond
head spinning drunk and madly grinning
devious shifting of hips and hops cementing
nights that never end until the
sunrise starts ringing

i want to be in love again
or just a little bit closer than only talking
when you want to or when it’s not too
inconvenient

feeling amazing
i graze upon
seeking saline
and saying
out loud
the things i’ve lost
redirecting the pain i felt
the insane i was dealt
matriarchal reign
my adolescent hell
i descend as i dwell
i wish the memories erased
and well, i am still presented
with a text and facetime call
each week, wishing me well

dim lit violet flowers.
split the domestic silence
into orange slices,
divided and dispersed
amongst the children.
all responsibility for
psychiatric casualty
no longer your own.
free to fill the glass
with half-full happiness
while the litter are splintered
with fiber glass from sandbags
and burdened shoulders.

charred scaffolding reeks through these
hallways, a testimony to rebuilding
envious emotions attempt to steal the feelings
seasoned demons attempt to seal the ceiling
revealing insecurities still healing
broken bones cannot mend bridges
the strongest doors have the most hinges

disingenuous nonsense
i feel rotten
since when did solemn promises
become candle wax and ash?