How am I still holding on?
Wasting my time
When I know you've gone

I still drift back to younger days
I wasted my time over you
I tried to understand, I failed

You stayed with me up until I realised,
you were gone.
You were never mine.

I saw you the other day
I was sat in a café people watching
I saw you, I watched you.

I ached for you, for me, for the past
For regrets, missed opportunities, failed declarations
Realisation that together we were friends, almost more.

In a crowd we were separate beings
Societal dictats stood in place, never to be questioned.
I watched you in the crowd from the café

Watched you looking my way
Steam from my latte bringing a haze to my eyes
Oh how many nights I cried for you.

Wanting you, needing you,
hurting inside for you, denying others "just in case"
You denied me then I deny you now.

Stay in the locked box deep in my soul
Memories in a woman's heart
can never be stolen or forgotten.

I left the café with an ache
Turned the corner, felt your stare
Then, saw my husband standing there.

To him I moved my wheelchair forward
To him I kissed my ache away
To him I will always stay

I turned for a final glance
Looked at you standing in the drizzle
You stared not at me, but the chair.

Realisation shone on your face
Confusion clouded those eyes
I am her, but not now.

Your height, your hair, your brown eyed stare
You're all that I remembered and more.
21 years have spun away, as did I that day.

As I see, I see this view
My heart has become the blue
My heart is now this, dreaded, sea
That I use to find comfort in, you see
Now my beautiful, lovely, poetic sea  
Is now the sea, I never wanted to see
You turned my heart into the sea
My once beautiful sea
Is now nothing but an endless,
Infection of me  
My heart is flooding into me
Overflowing into certain parts of my body,
Where it shouldn't be
My heart is nothing but this sea
That I never thought it could be

I am wide awake,
i do not wish to sleep,
i am here to think about him,
our love i will keep.

Sober thoughts crowd my mind
Happiness I cannot find
Gloomy weather, gloomy mind

Black bile, one of the archaic humours
Rhyming aptly with tumours
Cancerous thoughts within my mind

Pensively I look for salvation
Maybe a cheery salutation
But my melancholic mind keeps me as a brooder

I vent my spleen, searching for the vaccine
Annoyance acting as a screen for the truth
That all I want to do is scream and scream and scream.

Why won't you fight for me?
"i am not a  savage ,you know?"
In my world it's called a prince,
and you don't have that title anymore.

I can see the sky
The birds are flying
Clouds are moving by
My heart is flying

The moon will be my witness tonight
In my dream I see myself fly

"Fly, fly high,
though land is at my feet,
I will find the sky
Fly, fly high,
blue cloud awaits,
with rainbow in the sky"

Always thought that I could be on my own
But you make me feel alive and I don’t feel alone
The moon will be my witness tonight
Coz in my dreams you and I will both fly

You never know where,
Or how,
Or when.
You just know someday,
Sometime,
Somehow.
It will happen.
One way or another.