four walls could
never be a home
if my soul is sick
and my mind is tired

I took a step back and I looked at the paths up ahead.
They shook and they cracked so I took to the caverns instead.
And now I emerge with a powerful urge to create.
Empowered by words and assortments of certain mistakes.

Cobwebs
in the eyes of the skull
long forgotten
left behind
in time
cobwebs
in the eyes of the skull
like an empty hour glass
bottom heavy with sand
as the hands chip away
as time passes by
as the spiders legs
weave its web
creating a symbol of death
but also... life
a pretty mirror
in which sits the grim reaper
his reflection
hidden in the strands
strands from which beads of life
do glisten
clinging dearly
and just like the web
reliant on a thread
life hangs delicately in the wind
like a basket full of flowers
in an abandoned back garden
the owners no longer exist...
hanging
and waiting
hanging
and waiting
awaiting its own destruction
a fleeting work of art
soon lost in the winds of time
and the forgotten skulls
sit laughing in the sand
a silent kind of laughter
only they understand
so laugh
while you can
says the sand
says the sand
*laugh
while you can
while you can
while you can

Sometimes I just don't want to exist.
It doesn't come from a lack of friends,
Or a lack of family.

If my life ended, I know people would care,
I would be missed.
That's my problem.

My circumstances,
The people around me,
They're the cage trapping my soul to this earth.

I could never hurt them,
Or leave them.
But the events
the places,
the people,
The reasons that have me writing this today-
They make me tired,
So tired.
And all I want to do is sleep

I look at myself in the mirror,
Unsure why
I don’t like what I see,
But how can I change?
I was made this way for a reason
And I will stay this way forever.

I don’t want to be like this forever.
I look at my reflection in the mirror
And I do it for a reason,
Even though I don’t know why.
But I guess I want to change
Although it’s not that easy, you see...

I hate what I see,
And I don’t want to be this way forever.
But I don’t know how to change.
Because what I see in the mirror
I think is ugly. You ask why?
Well even I don’t know the reason.

And there is a reason,
That I am still unable to see
And I know why.
Because no matter what, I will think this way forever
And continue to look in the mirror
Wanting my body to change.

I want myself to be different, to change
And it’s like that for a reason.
I can only see myself in the mirror
And I hate what I see.
It will be like this forever
No matter how many times I ask ‘why’.

I cry and scream and yell out ‘why’,
Because I want my body to change.
I will cry forever
For the very good reason
That I hate what I see
When I look in the mirror.

I now know why and it will stay like that forever,
I look in the mirror and am disgusted with what I see,
But I see that I can’t change myself and that is the reason.

Am I just a wheel?
Consuming meals?
A speck in blue sea?
Bound by what I see?
Life amongst trees?
Breathing means free?

Am I my beliefs?
The truth I seek?
Flag of a country?
Defined by currency?
A liability?
Part of society?

Am I what you see?
The way you judge me?
The values you pick?
First impressions stick?
Norm defined by you?
Do I dare to be rude?

No...

I am who I choose.
I fill my own shoes.
I win when I lose.
I create my own views.
I see black beyond blue.
I pick me over you.

Who are we?
I am me.
Who are we?
Depends on you.

I've reheated the same
Cup of coffee five times
This evening

Trying to write something
For myself that accurately
Describes how I experience

Often I am flooded in the ordinary
By the emotion and the density
Of life itself, in all its majesty

And sometimes I am left
Devoid of sentiment
In moments deemed worthy

I get lost in thinking of
The way the future will
Tangle with the present

I find myself stopped in
A memory as well,
A reminder, a fragment of past

The present is a fleeting concept
A paradox, I think
A circle of thought

At what point
Does the future become the present?
And the present become the past?

useless
I know the word well
liar* thief untrustworthy

Mother, if you can't handle me
Then  
Maybe you should have just
Let me swallow that bottle of pills

I don't care what you think of me
Just leave me
The hell alone

I just don't understand what's wrong with you
You say

I don't know
I think
What's the matter mommy?
Can't handle a less than perfect child
An addled young adult

You never seem to hear me when I'm  
Talking to you
Maybe you'll understand now that
I've etched into my wrists

No. You still wont listen
Maybe the cold dead body will help you understand

You never see
All the times I came home so high
So drunk
That I never went to class

You don't work
But you still can't do your job

I'll never stop being ****** up
You'll never stop looking t me like I'm still in a hospital
Like you will never trust me

No time to talk about boys, mommy?
Okay, but don't get mad when I don't know how to love, just how to spread my legs
I wish I could say I hate you
But I'm just tired of you

One of these days you're going to be looking at my body
Lying on the kitchen floor
Cold
Empty
Free
Joyful

You're going to wonder why

But it will have been too late
You wouldn't read the wrists
Or let me have friends
Or a normal **** life

But if I don't get any say in how I live
I'll be sure to orchestrate every second of my death.