...my seventeenth drink in two hours
when my head went from resting peacefully in your lap
to hung over the toilet seat I somehow managed to get to in time
vomiting self-hatred and cheap *****
that I realized I should have eaten something that day.

...you asked about the sixty-two marks on my arm
that I purposely (drunkenly) left in plain sight,
unconsciously hoping someone would ask if I was okay,
that I realized you would be anything to me
but nothing hits harder than the fact that
despite "your understanding of how I'm feeling"
I still wanted to die of 200% alcohol in my bloodstream.

...we were lying on the cold, hardwood floor
with your arm under my head and your lips pressed to my neck
(although I'm not sure if that actually happened)
that I realized I could be happy even at my lowest.

...we woke up the next morning,
next to each other but not touching,
that I realized the night before was a one time thing
and even though you saw me at my worst,
all you really know is my first name
and that I have hundreds of scars on my left inner arm and both my hips,

but you didn't say a word to me all morning.

kisses from strangers don't taste as sweet as your *******,
but I'm so ******* hungry.
crimson paintings on my wrist don't rid my body of your touch,
but maybe in a few years I'll forget the burns you left on my skin.
replacing my blood with alcohol doesn't help me forget you,
but I might as well get drunk instead of seeing you in my dreams.
washing my sheets daily doesn't wash away the smell of your cologne,
but it's so familiar and I can't fall asleep without you surrounding me.
five cups of coffee don't wake me up as quickly as your hand on my thigh,
but hopefully soon I won't have to.

Sometimes I feel Invisible
So utterly alone,
A miserable existence
Where no place feels like home.
That dark and musty halo
Always hangs above my head,
Pushing deeper into me
So harsh my sunshine bled.
Now reality is clearer
It's written in my veins,
Tattooed on my heart,
Binding me with chains.
And so onto this empty page
Is where my thoughts reside,
My ink is my emotion
And behind my pen, I hide.

You left
and all that remained
were memories that lingered
in the back of my eyes
and a tingle in my nose
that waited for the worst moment
to pounce.

Razor-sharp fingernails scrape layers of flesh from eyelids
Splaying them eternally open
Can't unsee what's been seen
Can't unhear the sounds
Or unsmell the odor that rots in nostrils, infecting every rose
There's no stopping when they all stink the same
Can't undo, can't undo
Safety in bile where nightmares are birthed in reality,
In places that fester like the remnants of the lids that blinded
Bleach doesn't clean untruths
Fire doesn't  burn hot enough to mask pain
Blisters seem like hope
Hope to heal
Hope to resemble something familiar
Peeling skin back with teeth
Wishing for them to bleed
When scalding tubfulls try to cleanse
the grime that sludges through a broken mind
Attached to a heart mindlessly lashed in the shame of

Love

you are a mirror,
already shattered and left with razor sharp edges,
but made of the same pieces as before
you were dropped.
alcohol and meaningless *** are only a temporary glue
and five months time have worn it thin.
resist your predisposition to push everyone away
before hearing the way her voice shakes,
begging you to stay until tomorrow,
as you drown yourself in self destruction.
let the oceans of her eyes swallow the pills for you,
and her own scarred skin fend against the knives you pull out of your back.
you have rebuilt the broken glass walls of your mind
with your one-night-stand's skin-tight leather pants,
strong enough to defend against the words that slip out of her mouth
but not pictures of her bare skin.
use your hands to make something tangible,
like a hand-written letter to your mother
or a mixtape for the sweet girl you shared a cab with,
instead of giving yourself bruises and four second *******.
but *******,
you never once asked how I was doing.

The tide rolls in, in waves of emotion
The surge rips and the grip tightens
Time weakens resolve and threatens to wash away all,
Reality is blurred for a moment or two
Alone on the sand struggling to hold onto branches
Gasping for each partial breath
As waves continue their barrage,
A warm grasp, steady and strong
Worn out clenched fists open, blistered and ******
Released not to the sea, but to the embrace of the rested
Eyes too weak to open can see the love
That saved body, mind, and soul

///

It has rounded
when you can't see the end of the road
you seem those eyes have a limit
but you see the sky that moves beyond the limit

It has looped
when you loved her first since you have been missing over the life
you are growing older
but you can't see the end that is beyond the death

It has dreamed again
when autumn is glowing with shrubs of white flowers
you have looped within your dreams
dreams are running with drifted white clouds, its gravity beyond the imagination

It grew love
when you told me a simple word, its feeling is more than the love
now the toys of early day's have broken
but still the broken gadgets have glittered beyond the lights of hope

///
@ Musfiq us shaleheen

I need you
But I'm ugly inside
To forget my scars
Too much I've tried

I want you
But I'm ugly inside
The things I've done
Those things I hide

I desire you
But I'm ugly inside
Too many secrets
All the times I've lied

I see your beauty
But I'm ugly inside
Too scared to speak
Swallowing my pride

I watch you walk away
But I'm ugly inside
You'll never see my tears
All those times I've cried


Copyright Chris  Smith 2014