I'm just a nut job
hiding behind a blank stare
you can find me
almost anywhere.
I smile and I laugh
in front of your face.
I hide in a bathroom,
creating my fate.
This powder controls my day,
I'll love you once it's made its way...
up my nose, through my bloodstream
into my brain...
I'll love you once it's made its way...
I'll love you once it's made its way...
I'll love you once I feel okay...

It's as if you have pressed pause
and you're not really certain if you will ever unpause...
You're hazy and dazy, it's hard to make any decisions.
You're convinced you're actually doing something and then when you sober up you realize the day has passed, unused...literally nothing was done.

A waste.
Wasting away.

But it has given me a light...
Now when I'm sober I realize how beautiful life is and how dark opiates are.

everything is messy
i've accepted that
and that is the first step
to a clean act

the window is clear and open

the fog from my overused, hyperventilating lungs is absent

the rain from my eyes no longer marks my architecture

i see a change i think i had a part in---
doesn't matter
it happened

older i grow, my mind moves slower
----away from emotions

i'm greeted in new ways
a new phase?

always numb and bitter in the end
from having expectations that i'll do the same again

i've changed in ways that i'll compensate with another bad habit
i still break hearts do not be fooled
but know that it hurts me, too

Humans tend to make me cringe
fold like paper; thrown into the bin
I don't wanna be seen even though I exist
Carelessly crafted by anxious hands
I've been written up just to be written off

Everyone is telling me, "All you need is love."
I've tried it all--my grip was once tight and has lessened...
I've loved, I've used, I've taken care of hearts and visa versa.
It never helped anything.
Love is not enough, it will never be.
Love will not solve problems within me...for it is too late.
I am destined for patterns my mind will always follow.
I was created, molded by my owners... and I will never cease as their architecture.
I know I'm in control, but the moment I step out of line...I wake up back in my old, but familiar, boundary.

A void deeply
rattling
my inner workings,

I fill it with superficial love.

For a while,
I forget
I'm depressed.

It becomes a habit;
people.
But then I hurt them
and it hurts myself
and I always...

Remember.

And I always wonder, "am I



...



Fixable?"

You don't fall in love with the person,
you fall in love with their problems.
Living without a story line would make you feel dull;
You can't sit still.

O, to prey and feast on potential self-background defining candidates...
You're not a whole,
just a mosaic of the people you found with psychological issues.
You're a moth drawn to a light; the light being something, kind of, familiar.

I fill my life with something to love
It makes me feel emptier
My thoughts become hyperactive
I don't hate myself

Why
What's missing
What am I doing wrong

You hurt my feelings

I want a pill, a pill
I'm wrapped in blankets
and I have a shivering chill

I should deal but it's hard
especially with a damaged heart
It's critical that I deal the cards...

I want to relive synthetic warmth
Synthetic waves of apathethic bliss
That takes away how much I want a kiss

From you

I feel legitimately sad
and I hate that it's uncontrollable

When consumed, it consumes you
When it is tasted, it has tasted you
It enjoys the taste of you more
You're fooled
Into a host

I don't like the high,
it likes my life

I forgot I was human,
forgot days were different,
forgot sensories were enhancing,
forgot emotions added depth,

I forgot because I got caught up in it

The pen drew dots in my eyes,
my grip lessened and there I was
Nothingness

No, not bad
No, not good
Nothing

Nothing was...
Nothing

I liked to spend most of my time being nothing
in the bath tub
While the days happened without me
and blurred over like watercolor

I have been longing to feel for so long that when it finally made its arrival I was too acquainted with the numbness and ran away.

I often catch myself
involuntarily whispering a phrase;
"I wish I were home"
while at my house.

I dream of a character
that I know exists but I'll never find
because I'm too comfortable with
being alone all of the time.

Light pets my cornea every morning, through the sunshine printed tapestry...
I prefer the synthetic things in life,


the irony.

There I lay,
inside the swirling abyss that formed from a mere powder;
a seemingly harmless substance

my eyes were rolling into the back of my cranium
my teeth hugged onto each other for dear life

Disorientation covered my mouth shut so I couldn't screamed

I didn't dare to speak because words made no sense
I stared blankly at my companions as they tried directing conversation at me

Is that my heart I feel pulsing my entire body?
Where did this darkness come from?
I must be dying, I'll just shut my eyes

I woke up later
I overdosed

The birds are debating.
It's 5 A.M.
Why the **** am I awake?

love but do not obsess
obsession causes imbalances
it blinds you and you find no room for others

obsessing is giving your mind the right to possess you

You're a theatrical kind of mad.

my arms; laced with tremors
my chest; choking on weights
but i don't feel much
i don't feel much at all

what is the point of having no point?
and is there no point to a point?
because even if there is a point it still has no point, in the end.

Love Needs No Logic

a spitting image of scenerios I once lived, flickering...
project inside my head
thanks to light leaking into my eye sockets
and the acid from inside my stomach
when i experience reflux because of stress
i have recreated a movie within myself to watch

ah, i  drank too much
before realizing i drank too much
and since when did i smoke?

you're the snake
coiled around my throat
snapping my vocal chords







to: my tongue

death is life

when a star dies, it falls inwards
following a miraculous explosion

death isn't life because
life ends in death

death is a spark
of a beginning,
a push...
towards being
what you were meant to be

life isn't unknown, a mystery
it is just hidden, child's play
and those equipped with a childlike fascination
will disobey norms and willingly search for
and crawl through the rabbit hole

while coming to the conclusion
'logic' has been taught
to work around only physicality

expand
like the universe

I want a game plan
on how to be a star
because star dust
just isn't
enough...

George Harrison said,
"Give me light, give me life,
keep me free from birth."
and I think he was heard

a week
armpit hair
coughing
thinking
involuntarily stressing
movie binge
social network vacation
breathing

All I ever wanted
was a moment where
tomorrow and yesterday
didn't exist


I wasn't chasing my slippery hope
and you didn't manifest scenarios

Prosperity was around the block


For a minute
I saw the sky as it was
For a minute I could breathe
the air that was meant
for you and me

What have we been hooked on?

Songs sound better when you hurt
and I never want you to be capable
of singing this song as well as me


Do you remember when I'd lay in bed
for hours on end
and you'd pretend
to be dead with me
and our bodies laid soullessly
our thoughts connected
our hearts in sync?

I didn't know
those would be the constant memories
I'd sob most over

And I'd remind myself,
day in and day out,
when I'd turn to my left
feeling the cold dent
on my lonely mattress

You said,"You did this to yourself."
I did, you're right
God, I was scared
I was petrified

I left myself with only spite
when I had the courage
in the drawer of my nightstand
and I chose to look the other way

Now, I am in an abusive relationship
with my loud, stubborn ego
It's time to stop grocery shopping

love and an ego
a deadly combination

because it's almost like a voice in your head

and you want to grab the gun

or the bottle of Xanax your mother carelessly leaves behind the bathroom mirror

....and listen to that voice
that doesn't mix with love
like ***** doesn't mix with love
like ***** doesn't mix with pills

I exercise often
and cry on the nights I don't sleep

I think I'm obsessed with you...

I do not want to forgive myself for the events I put you through

But I must in order to move on

You will always be a part inside my head that fills in the gaps of my consciousness

There is a version of you that speaks to me that I have created

Now, when I speak I remind myself of you often

I'm pretty sure I'll always be in love with you

And that's okay,  I can live with that

Because I don't think I could redo it again

The damage isn't worth it

Hey I love you, but no ******* way

To think one must suffer to handle such writing
shame on you for your ignorance

To think less of a poem because they lack a mental disorder
shame on you for your ignorance

Any one is entitled to write
some just stand out more than others

Never say no to pizza
It's like saying no to happiness

I can't tell you why women fall in love with people who aren't as crazy for them back but I can tell you what happens when it occurs.

The love for the other person fills in deeper to compensate the lack of love given back. That's why the repercussions are so detrimental to the emotions in the very end...because the whole time you were loving for two and that's heavy.

if a ****** can hallucinate
a creation that is seemingly
real down to all five senses
and the others around him
cannot see, is he insane?

i am no ******
but the things that are seemingly
real down to all five senses
that are not my creation
and others around me can see
don't always feel real


i  don't think
our reality is
any more real
if the guy next to me
was capable of
creating something so
real seeming
with only his head
i think
it's all
in our
heads

a rainbow is beautiful
but can not be touched
and fades quickly after its presented

you are beautiful
but you won't let me touch you
and you leave quickly after I say hello

"The more I want, the less I'm free."

childlike fascination
mystery obsession
...
terrarium in a cranium
barefoot expedition
...
valley sea
mushroom haven
...
fairy stars between trees
full jar

I experience crippling anxiety
The people who feel high
Think it's easy to be high
Because they are high
And say to the low
To be high
But once I'm entangled
By the breathless thoughts
I am unable
To function

Depersonalization
Is crippling
And temporarily devolves me

twitching thighs
a skin deep kiss
your love goes to your curled toes
and you grip with your nails
onto velvet skin thats paper-thin
as if it's all you have left to live
for a minute
you don't miss
a high worth the 15 minutes
you wipe your lips
adjust your hips
get up and zip
inhale carbon monoxide
reminds you of the moment
in your garage
fade out
into the shadow
the door left