I am broken to me

not you.

You say the gold
in my seams
are my silver lining
and you are a carpenter
who is blue
sometimes, too.


But I am not a project
worth taking, because
my form
takes shapes
many hours of the day
and you'll break your hands
if you stay.

I am broken to me

not you.

Empathy,
it washes away as dusk fades.
Like a tidal wave,
only the moon has say.
You see my cards
all spread across
and yet expected
a different outcome.
My 'tricks' were known.

You're not my savior.
Predictive behavior,
foolish to think
anything more.

Loney people
are the best
Company.

I always
fall in love
with people
I don't want to
love.

I'll dress you on my mantle
and brag to friends during wine.
I'll tell them about the night
you were only mine.
I'll laugh, because it's been
a long time since...
But in my heart I yearn
for the intimacy I reminisce.

I am destroyed
and broken.
Unhappy token,
in a crowd
of smiling masks.
I'm the opening scene
of an antidepressant commercial.
I shed my skin at night
at the end of a bottle
or two.
I always wake up, though,
thinking of you.
I don't even remember you.
I know I've made you up
inside my messy head.
That's what I tell myself
so I don't cry when
I wake up in someone else's bed.
I'm slutty
and used
and tired.
I'm so tired.

I'm hooked
like a ******
to a hundred million
fantasies
and none of them
include you.
Everytime we get close,
an inch apart we gain.
I'm sick
and there is no cure,
no God
to save my hurt.
My grave is built,
the soil is soft and comfy
to lay rest my guilt.
It is what it will be
and that's whatever
defines me.

It's over before it begins,
that's my decision.
I got a heart
with fifty incisions.
Past lovers
look more like accidents.
I wake up next to an empty bottle
of grey goose or
whatever someone else chose
to lead the night.
I'm fuzzy and faded,
thirsty and jaded.

Pheromones
got you like
OoooOoooO.
Natural selection;
You mistake for fate.
You think it's love,
but it ain't.
Can you feel my scales
against your neck?
Can you get a grip
before you're dead?
I wish saving you
could save me.
If I could be better,
I would be.

I'm okay alone,
anywhere except at home.
That place is too loud.
My energy is toxic
with it's radioactive hold.
It'll mutate your views
and you'll die from my
silent fumes.
Should've got a tattoo
on my forehead
in all caps screaming
DANGER.

A passenger...
on your
emotional rollercoaster.
I'm strapped in...
without a choice.
I have so many thoughts
and no voice.
Bruises on my knees,
blood on my feet,
a cigarette in my mouth,
your loving is a tease.
You come from me
begging "please."
You fade in and out
of all my days;
Almost mistook you
for a phase.
It's always the ones
you don't expect.
Everything I want.
Everything I want.
I want to arrest you,
you are my criminal.
My kryptonite,
you stole me
in the night...
I surrendered;
No fight.
I need your eyes on me.
I can't behave,
I can't think straight.
You're all I crave.

I'm shattered.
In ultimate pieces.
Maybe, I love too hard.

I search for sanctuary
in a touch,
a bed set,
empty promises.

I know it's nothing real.
I've done this before.
I swear I'm erasing my memories
just to believe it again.

Like a morphine drip,
I keep pressing the button...
Deleting each memory...
The machine is broken
and I press so much
I forget I even pressed it.

Next thing I know
I'm an amnesiac morphine addict.

I can't stop.
I cant go backwards or forwards.
I can't unsay words.
I can't undo things.

I want a life worth living.
Someone worth loving.
Something to die for.
Let me be your martyr.

I can bend over backwards,
jump through hoops
and survive 5 hour replies.
I can't promise perfection,
but it will be real.

I can't promise I won't spend nights
wondering why you're with a girl like me.
Picking apart every detail
from skin to every word I mutter.
I succumb to you, though.

Because whether I'm deserving of love or not,
my selfishness will never shun it.
I can't live without something.
It's not in my nature; my DNA.
I am destined for needing more,


Always.

blows
my mind
how i've
stayed
alive,
because
i wasn't
aware
my world
wasn't there
until
i
    met
             you.

teach me how to shine,
you make it look so easy.
you give me butterflies,
it makes me so queasy.
my knees bend and shiver
when you smile in my direction.
i wonder why you love me
while i stare at my reflection.
you're everything to me,
i want to show you the world.
i wanna be your everything,
i just wanna be your girl.

hold me close
and let me hear the thumps
of your aching heart.
two sad people
so in love.
we will get through this
together, hand in hand.
our diseases won't
take us down,
we will wear the crown.
you like to be up,
i love to be down.
we are yin and yang,
swimming around
in a puddle
of mud.
life is ****** up
and our rights are a facade,
but it is worth it
as long as i have you.

sometimes, i just
wanna die.
i'm not even sad.
i just
wanna get high.

if i use again,
it's over
for me.
let me sign
a dnr
then leave me be.

If you love me -
I'll stop you there.
I only like you
when you're bare.

If you think
you're anything exclusive,
please get the **** out
before I go translucent.

It'll be easier if you
leave first.
Take my advice,
before it gets worse.

I'm poison,
I crave your blood flow.
I'll seep in deep
and make your heart blow.

I can show your flesh love,
but you're dreaming
if you think I'm capable
of anything above.

I'm back to square one,
running in circles.
I'm like a laundry mat
with all these cycles.
Just wring me out,
I'm better off
hanging.

I'll use you as a good time.
I'm just like
all the ***** guys.
I'll even put you in my rhyme,
if you remind me of
all my lies.

I've changed,
"you're just not the same."
All my ol' friends tend to say.
That's what happens
when you put
**** in your nose
e v e r y d a y.

There has to be more to life
than trying to afford a life.
In constant despair
from status control,
my money shouldn't define
whether I do time
or eat tonight...
or see some grass
on the other side of the world.
I want to be happy,
so why do I find it so unattainable?
Next thing I know,
I'm telling people I'm depressed.
I say the word so much,
I begin to identify, as a crutch.
Excuses come flooding,
then I start running
and getting high on drugs.
Antidepressants
from a doctor who knows no other way.
I can't be mad, though.
I'm the same,
except all I know is pain.

Green is the color of the sheets
every time one of us chooses to leave.
Flowers color our bedroom
every time we renew our love.
American boy,
so blue and cute.
Sing me your songs of sadness
and I'll fall to your every beck and call.
American boy,
you are always in a hurry,
on your pursuit of happiness.
Money and fame won't make you whole.
I'll pay the toll,
if it's what's holding you back from yourself.

Can't choose who I love,
only how I can deal with it.
I'll never forget you.

I am haunted:
Not by poltergeist,
but by my unlived lives.
Parallel universes
won't ever speak,
they took an oath
to keep from me.
I have words and voices
humming in my head
that will never be met
outside of my bed.
I have to accept
I cannot have it all,
I have to accept
knowing nothing at all.

I disguised
my fear of commitment
as a hunger for
adventure.
I'm aimlessly floating
as if it's
the bigger picture.

I want to love,
to be loved
like anyone does.
But I'm tainted
with the mind
of a messed up
version of love;
Expiration dates on a heart.

I made myself
believe lives are
destinations
meant to be left
for something
new to obtain.
Like a girl scout badge,
to show off to all of my friends.


I wonder where the
void in my heart exists.
Is it possible it's
from a place I already visited?
I wish I knew
where I belonged.

I find peace and solitude
when my thoughts have simmered
after spending a long week
learning truths of myself.
Yet, a void still lies within
the crevice of my soul
oozing out
in the better parts of me.
When he looks at me
he tells me he sees
innocence, kindness and beauty.
He never saw
my mangled body
or all my bloodshed.
He never met
the warrior,
the fool.

Sometimes I have nothing to write
and I wait for months and months
to pass only to find within time--
I'm still lonely.

Lonely can be so cruel
like solitary confinement
right behind your eyelids
and the sleep you can't awake
rests upon your fate,
you better wake the **** up
before it's too late.

Wake up.
Wake up. Wake up.
My therapist said
something is wrong with my head.
He found a word to describe me,
I never knew I wasn't like me.
Just a piece in a text book...
To describe my whole life.
All the series of traumas,
the abuse and dramas,
patterns and thoughts,
just to be boxed up...

I am not special.
I am nothing great.
But I dont care,
I refuse to ******* cave
into my demise.

I remember the little red airplane swing outside on the left side of the rickety old country farm house.
You would push me really high when I was little girl after waiting all day with Pepper, the schnauzer.
I remember stealing your kisses to my grandma and telling you she's all mine. I used to be too shy to say I love you, but my smile made you know that I did.
You were everything to me.
You were my dad.
I loved you more than I let you know.
We grew older, you way ahead of me...but we were still so close, always connected by souls. Life has a way to keep young ones so busy...
You got sicker and sicker.
I got used to it.
I just never thought you'd be gone because a part of that child in me believed you were invincible. You were so strong. But..you're human.
I love you, Larry Troy Kester.
I'm too young to lose my dad...
My grand dad...
My dad.

she has pieces of her body
she hasn't even met;
23 years old
and in such a hurry
for misplaced regret...
set up from a man
who believes he knows her,
but he's taking truth from a liar.

the harder she dreams,
the deeper she sinks.
she ignores her reality
and relinquishes into defeat.
she only wishes to think
in a steady stream.
there's a silhouette
of who she could be
that she drowns in unearthly things.

it's eerie how love
can time travel
and make a person,
i've known so little,
so familiar

when the ice melted,
the coldness from her soul left.
the ground was fertile
and there was a new beginning.
she could see the life inside her
sprouting and that's when she realized...
she was always there
underneath it all.
just waiting to bloom.

Feeling all alone is hard to accept.
I wish I could save you,
but it never works out like that.
I have to sink a little lower
to help you lift back up.

I dream of being a time traveler
so I can undo all I've done to hurt you.
I can only learn to be less ******.

It hurts a lot to see the resentment between us and have no power over the situation or how you percieve me.

I guess it's really over this time.
We used to have so much energy
for a chase.
I can tell things
have changed between us...
Now there are no more call backs after a fight,
now you walk away
and leave instead hearing me out.
There is no more
fighting for another chance,
only fighting and going on with the day.
I guess it's really over this time...

I can feel the rhythm of change.
I'm in a trance.
I'm dancing through life,
because it's my only chance.

You only live once
may get a bad rep,
but I don't give a ****.
They're right,
so don't waste it.
Embrace it.

I thought I lost it all for a minute,
but life likes to play tricks.
Who knew that I could play too?
If you want to dance, Life, I'll dance with you.

I am not a bad person.
I fight for what I love, but
I love myself too...
It's okay to say no.
It's okay to leave people you love
if they want to hurt you.
It's not your job
to be their one source of happiness.
It's just unrealistic.

stop using my voice
for your thoughts.

your love is like a tidal wave,
it comes crashing down
and leaves me gasping for air.
your brown eyes are anything
but full of **** to me.
i worry late at night, wondering if you are capable of grasping the same intense connection
i have with small beauties.
your eyes like ember
and your hair like ash...
does your heart, too, burn?
can you feel it?
can i make you my soul mate?
would you like to stay forever maybe?
or at least until
i make you want to *****.
and if i start to make you sick
i hope it makes you immune
to other kinds of toxic.
i'm not saying i'm perfect,
but let me just say this...
i'm really good at
not taking up the whole bed.
okay...that's sort of a lie...
but my bones ache a different thought.
yes, my bones tell me to let them show.
my bones tell me it's control.
my bones tell me only 1200 a day.
my bones tell me if i don't eat you'll stay forever.
my bones tell me everything will be ok even if you don't.
my bones my bones my bones.
...but my heart.
what about it?
it tells me i'm smoking too much, but i think it's lying because it only goes up when you enter a room.
my heart tells me to stay alive.
my heart tells me to stick around
for you.

my mind, that was once confined in bars made of sad memories,
has been liberated by a new perspective on life.
a life, that was once fed by constant self-sabotage, has been taught to walk around the ring of fire.

Pain inspires change.
It's not the best way,
but sometimes it's the only way.

when I was at my worse,
depression would manifest
in many forms.
whispering in my ear
like the truth.
it would stand in front
of people i loved
and i would think the people
were the problem,
but it was depression
stealing identities.

My life has been turned upside down!
It's like I never had depression to begin with.
Please, if you are struggling with depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide and feel like there is no way out...seek help...it's totally worth it.
I used to be against medication but I had a chemical issue in my brain and I was going to end my life. I told myself this was my last resort and if it didn't work I was going to die.
I am so glad I seeked help.
There is hope.

It's easy to be great when life is great.
It's when life becomes hard and challenging
that you'll truly get to meet yourself.
I've met myself many, many times.

All these different parts of myself
make up all of me.
When I feel bad more than good,
I have to ask myself:
Am I bad?

Depression,
you are the only one
who's always been there for me.
I have to let you go
in order to move forward.

I have to let you go.
I have to learn how to accept
everything that has happened from me
and to me.
That is hard.

I used to believe true pain
was what others did to me.
No.
True pain is living what you've done to others,
the ones you love,
the ones you don't want to live without.
That feeling lingers a lot longer than anything else bad.

I have to learn to forgive.
I have to accept it.
My fate depends on it.
I love you.
I also love myself.

how i lived before
not knowing you
baffles me.
because you are the world
i never knew
i dreamed of.
you are the love
i never thought i'd feel.
you are the most
beautiful person
i never thought i'd meet.
i am the luckiest girl alive.

when the ice melted,
the coldness from her soul left.
the ground was fertile
and there was a new beginning.
she could see the life inside her
sprouting and that's when she realized...
she was always there
underneath it all.
just waiting to bloom.

I really don't see the point any more

5 hours of sleep in 2 days

can't sleep more than 30 minutes
at a time

...wearing your hoodie...

keep jerking awake and checking phone frantically

thinking i'll see you or hear from you

even though i changed numbers and took social media hiatus

i miss you so much

im not living

this isnt living

im sick

Can't stop thinking how someone is gonna invite you out on st pattys and you're gonna **** someone.  God why can't my brain *******.

I keep torturing myself
with scenarios of you kissing
someone new and her touching the hair on your chest.
I think of your first day without a thought of me and feeling the excitement of a new beginning.
I see you looking at her with more love than you showed me. I see you learning from my pain to treat her better and show her more affection.
What I'd do to trade bodies
with your next girl...

I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
I ******* LOVE YOU, JORDAN.

I can't stop pacing
around the kitchen and
into my room, back and forth.
It's taking everything I have
to not start using again.
Feeling the aches of my heart
and the strain on my sanity...
I just want to touch you
one more time
then rewind
and press play
for the rest of my life.
Literally, the rest of my life.