Everything is connected through love.
My girlfriends went out and I joined and all they did was talk about someone named Cato, which is your dog's name. Never have I ever heard of that name until your dog and you're telling me someone is going to rave about that name all ******* night the day after I go a state away.  Cosmic *******.
I get it, Universe.

I'm pathetic...
All I do is talk about you like you're still mine...
"*** bf would do that"
Who am I kidding
I did this to myself

I miss you...

You are the one...
But I just didn't feel like you felt the same...I'd stare at you forever and tell you how beautiful you were...
She said she never saw you look at a girl that way...but maybe you did with her at first and it slowly died...maybe that's what was happening...you started to fill with hate...
I wanted to marry you...
I was so sure...even in such short time...
I wanted your last name some day...no rush...but the thought made me so ecstatic...I wanted to bear your child...for the first time I didnt care about gaining weight or the physical pain of birth....I literally NEVER felt that way about someone...especially that quickly. You said you loved me the first night we made love and I thought you were crazy...or joking...but I meant it when I said it...I was just scared to seem too quick.
I want to be a better person.
I am a wonderful person who makes impulsive decisions.
I never ever once thought about someone else...I could never...because you are my soul...
Never cheated.  
I just was a mean girl and didnt deserve a good guy like you...
Never will until I learn to forgive myself...and I'm so sorry I did you like that...but I can't tell you goodbye. It kills me. I want to die.
Because you'll move on quicker...you're older and want a family before you're too old to play with your kids...she is so ******* lucky...this is more of a loss for me than it is for you.
God I love you so much though.

I hope you're okay...

You don't know it yet
But me out of your life is the best thing for you
I'm so toxic
I'm so sorry I existed

I hate how much I love you
Even the thought of anyone else makes me sick
I've never been so devastated
Please let this be a bad dream
I wanna wake up...
I am so trapped and lost...

We are all just
weaving in and out
of our own thoughts and reality,
trying to be happy.

I never thought I'd be an addict.
Once I tasted that fate... I saw everything after.
I was always addicted to something.
People, adrenalin, chaos.
Opiates were nothing more than an add-on. Another to the list...
Something inside me is growing...
Even though I'm more negative than ever, a part of me wants to grow and learn more than ever. I always lied to myself about being happy...but maybe I've been doing it all wrong.
Maybe I need to be angry. Maybe I need to yell and scream and get it all out of my system so I can make room for real happiness.
Maybe I'm just metaphorically throwing up all the toxins.

I have
been sober
for about
8 months.
Go me.

I may not have anything
in common with anybody,
but all have felt the same pain.
Pain may look evil...I promise,
it looks really cryptic,
but pain is only trying to guide you to a new opportunity. Natural selection.
I would have never met him if I hadn't been hurting.  I would have never moved to a nice town.

liquor gets sweeter
as the pain digs deeper
and my emotions are always
hijacking my mouth.

i'm just an innocent child
wrapped in twenty-two
years of skin and guilt,
searching for a love of a kin.

I wish my mother could
love herself
so she could could
love me,
so I could
love myself
and I could show you
how much
I love you.
But I do love you.
Unlike she loves me.

Just a matter of time,
my depression will win.

life is a teenage boy.
every day it breaks my heart.
every day is a fight out of bed.
every day i wonder if i'm worth being faithful to...if i am a prize...if i'll always be the prettiest.

life is my mother;
abusive and loud,
vein and possessive.
one day life wants to hug me
and then pushes me hard.
life wants a storm every
other day because life collects my tears for fun.

life is me wishing you understood
how much i love you but realizing actions are important.
life is dealing with the truth that you're afraid of me.
life is me having to put in effort while having a weight so heavy and so invisible...on my chest.

life isn't about me.
my life isn't about me.
my life is not about me, at all.

I'm never going to miss someone as much as I miss you right now.
I never want any less than greatness in your life.
I don't believe I am that greatness.
I want you more than you could comprehend.
....But this pain mixed with our love....
I can't watch myself **** you.
Is that selfish?
Probably....knowing me....
I love you...either way.

I'm sick of being just a number.
I'm sick of being human.
I'm ready for a bullet
to caress the back of my head.

I want to enjoy you.
I want to sip you slowly.
I can't though,
because all I can think about
is the burn.

I think ahead to where
you grow bored
and find something
new and shiny,
younger and thin.

I don't want time to grow...
I know it's selfish.
I know it's all so crazy.

hey world,
i'm doing okay.
as okay as a person with
severe anxiety and depression
can be.
i should be writing more...
channeling my pain and whatnot.
but sometimes i can't get out of bed
or even find the energy to talk...
so i may be m.i.a. for a while
until i find the energy.

Everyone is better off without me.
Oh, it's actually true, though.
The ratio of how I make people miserable versus happy is waaaay more on the miserable spectrum.
So, if people would stop being bias and **** after someone is dead...
They would know my imminent death is for the best.

my nerves are shot
from all the scenarios
that could happen.
they play on repeat
and no matter how hard i try...
the visions don't stop.

i search and search
to find a problem.
but the only problem
that is real...
is me.

antisocial, had-potential young adult
who dreams of a mind without fear.
she has a weightless body
yet doesn't see the bones.

she wants to connect
with all whom she loves,
but her emotions are backwards.
she is backwards.

for every bone on her body,
there is fat.
for every man who loves her,
she puts her arms lengths away.
for every tear that is shed,
she sheds again every day.

she is backwards
and tries to walk straight.
she is upside down
and tries to think straight.

what will the girl do?
who is the girl?
can the girl do wrong right?
can backwards be her straight?

i'm out of ways
to show off my sadness...
so i will show it no more.

pain, pain
go away.
numb on the outside,
but far from okay.

Love is a hard drug.
It leaves me strung out,
with it's ups and downs.
Exhausted, but still wanting more.
It makes me laugh,
makes me cry.
It has me hazy, dazy
and I'll make poor choices.
You're like ******...
I want you inside me even if it hurts.
I'll give you my home, my money,
all my time.
I'll do anything for love.
I'll get naked and give my all.
I'm addicted to your love.

I don't want to die.
I'm afraid of the unknown.
Just like I'm afraid of you leaving.
When will it happen? It is unknown.
I want to escape, like the coward I am.
I could drug myself into oblivion, or scream myself a mile ahead the act...
Why is rejection so scary?
It's not even a reality, yet.
I dream of being anything other than human, just so I can avoid the act of suicide.

If I could be
as busy as
my depression...
I'd be a
better
person.
Tired of this
emotional
rollercoaster.
I'm better
off
dead.

I'm fine.
I'm not fine.
I'm fine!!
I'm not fine..
I'm fine.....

drug addicts are just rich people without money.

hip hopping
all the way,
swinging off the wagon.

I'm the energized bunny with my battery mind...
Duracell [24/hour] thoughts all the time...
My bones are showing, again.
Pretty is pain, pretty is thin.
Here I go again, searching for a problem...
I can't be satisfied, just gotta make myself cry all of the time...
Selfish little brat; selfish swine eating all the time...
I could be spending enjoying loving you...
but I spend it worrying...
I spend it starving...
I spend it loosely...
Like pockets with holes...
As if you'll never leave...
Why can't I breathe...
What's going on with me...?
I am ill...I need help...
Abandonment issues that need dealt with...
I don't want you to leave...so why do I push and push and push you so ******* hard...
When all I yearn for is your heart and reassurance...
You're all I think about...
All I ******* think about...
I see so much good...
But I destroy everything I touch...
Everything I love...
I'm allergic to.
I grow sick and I sink to the bottom of my [trench] of a mind...
I feel the pettles of my existence drop at the extent of wonder...
My mood quickly plunders...

Paranoia.
      Paranoia.



Paranoia.
            Paranoia.

Haunts me.


Anorexia perpetuating bad sleep cycle,
sleep cycle perpetuating depression,
depression perpetuating anorexia,
anorexia perpetuating depression.

...paranoia.
Paranoia.

You see all that I do.
Who are you?
Who are you talking to?

I'm losing my mind.
Paranoid.
Obsessive thoughts.
Make them stop.

Turns out...
and it's kinda funny, actually,
I'm the only one in my way.

What is caring,
and why is it there?
I feel so guilty about all the times I opened my mouth.
I'll make it all about me,
believing it's all about you,
while making it all about
you making me have a reason to make it all about me.
Sometimes. I. Wish. I. Could. Just.
Shut. Up.
Shut up, Chloe.
Shut the **** up.

I wish I was a good person.
I wish I was nicer to you.
I wish I was skinnier.
I wish I didn't think about only myself.

i've hidden behind lines
and waves of liquor.
i thought my fear
was cured with beer.
enslaved by substance abuse,
a living coward.
afraid of love and life.
but then one day,
one night,
two overdoses and attempted suicide,
one you and one i ...
something inside of me
ignited.
i turned left,
this day was different
despite all the same.
this 365th day was the day i said
"hey, enough is enough. i'm quitting the drugs. i'm in love and you are the one."

America,
land of hospital bills
for the sick and dying.
Land of little kids with
their parents' guns,
just having fun.

America,
dare to ******* the
pale-coloured men.
Land of mass ******
gets you VIP on CBS.
Speak your mind with a 49.

Sometimes, I really wish I was numb again...
I wish I didn't feel so embarrassed of my emotions
and I wish I felt like it was okay to let them out.
I feel truly alone when I am in a puddle of my own pity and shame.

In my world,
I speak up and know how to articulate my emotions. I can take the bull by the horns, remove it's horns and become the bull.
In my world,
there is no crying over boys. No wondering if I'm enough. His eyes do not shift away. We tell each other I love you and mean it without desperation.
In my world,
I am confident and my thoughts are my own. I am resilient to crafty hands. I am who I want to be.
But this isn't my world.
My lips pursed, I have no throat to transfer words. You don't know how I feel or why I cry. I don't think you care. I don't think you love me. How could you love some one who doesn't love themself.

I wanna gorge.
I want you to be the liquor,
the money and the porsche.
To hold me close...
is the idea that courses through
my veins...
Obtain...
the knowledge
on how much you love me...
is the objective.
Effective...
let me love you
flood you, suffocate you,
debate you, deflate you...
climb inside...
Let us become one and then some.