There is green in the world again
And it feels as though a sprout has risen from beneath all my turmoil.
I did not realize my seclusion until I felt the warmth today.
I hope with all the new life coming into the world
That it is also time for my life to blossom into something better.

I envy the stars and moon
Because everyone admires them.

Humans have a pull
and keep them company.
I must admit I do too,
But
Why am I
Just the wind during the night
You barely recognize?

I am the Great Awakener.

I will bring you to your knees in humility.
I will show your shadow the light.
I speak truth.
I breathe truth, I bathe in the everlasting light of truth
and I will shatter your very fragile realities.

I will show you every reason
To stop the lies.
To yourself and others.

Wrap you inside a cocoon of transformation
and I will force you open, ready or not,
And spread your wings wide so that you can fly too.

Fly in your truth, in your light,
and we can show the world
the One and the way.

I can't wait to shove hot knives down your throats after all the times you made me swallow hot truths that even my tongue didn't want to have to spew but you cowards could never.

So who will stand for justice if not me?

I won't apologize for my skewed ways
Of execution either,
Because its your fault im twisted baby,
Let's play five finger filet,
Whats wrong?
Don't you trust me?

He had those sweet lips that drizzled honey on your tongue,

Sugar coated lies,

Yet they go down smooth

Even though the taste doesn't last long.

Human words oversimplify everything that I am inside.

The world acts like I am the crazy one for loving without restraint.
As if it is some rare currency that they will run out of and they hide and bury it.
Spending it on only those they deem have enough value.

Life is a **** deal.

No matter how great the cheap thrills, tricks, and food is,

It isn't worth its counterpart.

The pain isn't worth this chaos carnival ride

And the only ones who think it is

Are the clowns.

Being forced into my mind
And into my body
And into my heart
Is an excruciating prison for someone
Who grew up living
As an escape artist.

I used everything I had control over
At the time and the only thing
I had was my mind.

So every morning until the night
I'd let my mind and soul
Take flight
To cope with the monsters
I had to fight.

Dreaming in my wake
And in my sleep
Hoping that, by morning,
I wake
Somewhere safe.

You ruined my life.
My every waking day
Shattered by yelling
And the constant verbal abuse.

Nothing satisfied you.

Now nothing satisfies me.

I've run in every direction.
My daydreams tried to take me
But you wouldn't set me free,
You couldn't just be kind
And happy.

So I turned to alcohol until
It burned my insides that I realized
That it isn't fun anymore.
It's just poison and I'm useless,
Mindless on the floor.

So I chose to smoke some ****
Hoping it'd get rid of the
****** memories.
And it did..
For a while.
And now it's not the same
Because all it brings is numbness
No longer a smile and heightens the pain.

Now I'm stuck here.
Aware.
In my body and in my mind
And weirdly enough
The real world feels more fake
Than my dreams ever did.

Forever ******* miserable
Because I have a damaged inner kid.

The cry it out method must have
Stemmed from God.

Because you know
They hear the wails
yet they do nothing.

The sunlight flickers in and out
Like a game of peek-a-boo
As the fan blows the curtains.

I lay flat on my back as still as I can
As I watch the world spin
With my eyes locked on the ceiling
Hoping that if I don't blink
Or move or swallow
That it'll somehow keep me grounded.

She understood that she fell in love with
No one
Because he's always changing face.

He mastered making masks
So he never had to face himself.

Is it normal to have old dreams past slosh from side to side in your head?

A sea of old memories that were never real,

Yet you remember them sometimes better than the ones you collected from everyday reality.

Is it normal to have your mind somewhere in space?

Or possibly it fell out and down the drain instead,

Maybe it is sinking to the bottom of the ocean by now.

But seriously,

I don't know where I am.

Walking between worlds.

I feel so spacey.
Like I'm falling and there is nothing to hold onto.

Like there's a cannon ball
Rolling. . . side to side. . . and side to side in my head. . .

Is it all my thoughts that I could never make sense
now condensed?

Weighing me down further into the silent void.

The Emptiness, the stillness, the calm. . .

People talk of these things like they are comforting

But to me I feel like dry bones walking around,

Dead inside both in heart, and in head.

I'm so beyond tired of flipping through this book
Trying to be on the same page as you.

Help me find something that makes my soul sit still.

Something about the same sun shining on us both comforts me.

I close my eyes and smile briefly,
as I pretend the warmth is coming from you.

Even though you are as far away from me
as the sun and sky, somehow I feel you just the same.

Time, you *******.

The way you stop and slow,

The way you rush us through.

The whiplash might just be too much
for me.

Your laughter always reminded me of wind chimes.

Light and airy, soft.

The way I swear it stirred up fairies from their slumber.

I'll never forget the magic in the echo of it in my memory.

Sometimes instead of listening to the shouting in my head
I scream back
By blasting music through my skull so loud
That they no longer have a voice powerful enough
to be heard.

It fell slowly,
By each finger letting go,
One by one.

I had such tightly clasped hands
Holding up my mask
But I realized
It gets you nowhere
Fast.

We'll see how much longer we teeter
On the fake pretences I was upholding.

Will you finally pick up your weight and bring back balance?
Or will we fall together and collapse?

I can't smile at you anymore.
I can't kiss you without my heart cringing.
I can't hug you without flinching.
I don't want you to touch me
Unless you've learned how meet me in all the places you left me behind.
You've been just as selfish as I have
Except the difference is,
You've always known what you were doing.

You lie behind my back,
You cry behind my back,
You become empty
Instead of reach for me
And now I am empty too.

No more accommodation.
No more self sacrifice.
And if that's not enough for you
Well this whole thing never sufficed.

I am completely disatisfied
And yet I've cried behind the smiling mask
Mostly for the fact
That our hands are tied.

I never wanted to raise our little stars seperately,
But they might be better off
Spread out across distances,
Like stars in the night sky.

If you ever cared about me
More than you cared about yourself
If you ever cared more about them,
Then we'd have burned forever
Instead of becoming candle melt.

I won't play a part any longer,
No more masks.
With all that being said,
Let's see how long we last.

God, I hate the way my coffee turns cold in such a short amount of time,
Before I've even gotten close to finishing the cup.

It just reminds me how warmth fades.

It fades
           and fades
                              and fades...

I can feel her peeking,
Shyly one eye around the corner.

I can see her sneaking,
Flying under curtains.

Giggling at the thought
Of finally being out in the open.

Playfully teasing,
One foot in and
One foot out.

She gets closer and closer,
Preparing to just dip her toe in.

I coax and cheer her on,
I'm ready for the show to begin.

She's almost ready
To come out after
Being long, long hidden
From within.

Oh how badly I wish
I wasn't alone in this.

Tornadoes swarm me and my feet touch the ground
But my head just spins.

Energies
Swarming me, beating me,
Bombing me, throwing me up and
Down and sideways
And I just want to stop.

Please, oh God,
Be still.

The stirrings within that you create
Might make me lose my will.

Is there a line that we all draw ourselves somewhere in the sands of time?
Marking the point in your life where, 'just beyond this, is crazy'?

Do you play with yours too?
Balancing, tip-toeing, peeking, backing up and
Running to the edge right before you
Catch yourself on the tip of your toe, to turn around and keep looking down.

The big jump.

Do we all wonder and ask ourselves?

What if?

What if I just did it?
What if I just did the THING?

The scarier thing for me is being stuck, sandwiched on the tightrope between just ******* jumping and never jumping at all.

Always wondering.
Always daydreaming.

Living,
Breathing,
Walking
Regret.

I wonder what it must be like to constantly
Degrade your garden,
Neglect your garden,
Give it just enough water to survive
Yet never enough nutrition to thrive,

AND THEN

Still have the ******* audacity to blame the ******* garden
For not producing enough for you.

We are all canvasses walking around,
Clueless, that we are also the painter.

What kind of masterpiece are you going to make?

Where is my hippie soul?
Who preaches peace in every scenario.
Who loves with no limits
Or conditions.

Fighting the good fight.

He'll lay against the grass and scry the clouds with me.
Positioning flowers in my hair
To make a colorful arrangement.

His gypsy soul never settling down.

His eyes never leaving the stars.
I almost want him to love them
More than me.

Finding passion amongst the trees.

Look for me.

I'm twirling in between the trunks
And if you stare just long enough
You'll see me dancing with them.

Shaking the leaves
As the Earth
Makes love with me.

The layers of pain that exist
Are so much deeper than the very
Layers of Earth's crust
Before you get to her core.

So
Much
Pain
That comes and goes.
That never stops
But definitely slows.
Sinking into the quicksand.
Dragging me through and
under the mud.
Buried by the layers
Of it all.

I breathe in the stars through my nose
Cough up the dust
With leftover light in my lungs.

Breathing in the night and his moon,
Galaxies in my chest.
I have dreams that are tossing and turning,
never set to rest.

I will always burn and flicker here
Among my common friends.
Laying under my blanket we call the night
Until my glow finally ends.