I'm starting to wonder if anyone will ever find me.

Or will I keep getting widdled away by each person I come across?

A notch away from being absolutely nothing at all..

When mortality flees and I am nothing more than bones and dirt,
Will I begin to feel you on a level my humanity is blocking?

Can I see the parts that you always felt were too ugly and too broken to show another soul?

I want to know a rawness that no one has ever known.

There is soul in storms, in rain,

and I wonder

Can you miss the weather

The way you miss a lover?

Please someone,
Anyone out there,
Come to me and destroy me.

Reduce me to nothing more than
Glass turned to sand on the floor.
Pieces so tiny there is no chance of repair.

Force me to stop seeing light in blackened caves.
To stop searching for rainbows in the storm.
Make me stop believing in Angels
And realize there is nothing left here
But demons.

I need an eye opening heartbreak so deep that I stop believing fantasy
And start to see reality.

Bring me out of the clouds,
Away from my daydreams,
And make me into a hardened statue
Just like all the rest.

Sometimes there is planks and trinkets
Of her that wash up on the shores of my mind.

A collection from the deep sea.

From an abandoned shipwreck
I rowed away from long ago
To be spared the sight of her ghost.

I save my wandering thoughts for rainy days.
My memories, like old, scraped up books.
Some dusty and some frequently used.
I pull them back from the spine,
Time after Time,
To glide my hand across the rough paper
And to relive the archived moments
That have stacked in my brain.

I hate that I'm so human
That I crave the closeness
We all are told, scientifically,
We need.
Babies will die without enough touch
Or interaction.

I sometimes wonder if I'm worse
Than others.

I need you
In ways I cant explain.
My desperation like a slowly emanating smoke bomb.
Invisible
But it still is clouding the room.
Maybe if I spoke up just once
We wouldn't be sitting here
Silently suffocating.

You choking on my passive subtleties,
And I'm gagging on my deeply craved, hidden,
Inner intamacies.

I always thought I was a healer for the broken and somehow the
lost found me.
I thought I was whole and the one who was open
But then I caught a glimpse in a mirror, and I saw her.

Cracked eyes and chipped shoulders,
Once a stone masterpiece that could have been marveled in all her glory.
Those broken soul's storms she endured to make sure they saw the sun have had an effect.
She is weathered down and wonders if a chiseler will ever come around to bring her back to life.

I am drenched in desperation,
It seeps out like sweat through my skin.
Dripping off me
A stench so potent
I can smell it from within.

Probably coming from my dying heart
Which needs someone to want it
More than anything else.
To know me better than I know myself.

I feel like I'll keep searching
For a connection that maybe
I'll never find.

Is there anyone out there
Wanting to help someone
Feel like they're found?

Oh the push and pull
Of the warrior/victim mind.

Bravely I have fought.
How bravely will I die?

My heart says continue on,
But my mind is ready to lay it all down.

I, unarmored and unarmed,
Lay on my back towards the sky.
Hoping that surrender
Will help me close my eyes.

But there it is,
The pounding in my chest.
My heart with every beating
Whispers, "it isn't time for rest."

I always was scared of the way your eyes would start to light up
When you were excited.
The way I could see the gears crank and turn in your head with a million questions because you face never hid your inner world well.

You had eyes that looked up at the stars in the night sky
And somehow thought you would learn about them each individually.
A mind too wide, a heart too loving, a soul too curious.

I always was taught that curiosity killed the cat.
That is wasn't good, that it was rather bad.
I wanted to keep you safe but nothing could ever stomp your fire.
I stayed close, to make sure to protect, if dire.

Instead I watched you bravely fumble and fall,
Learning how to get better everyday.
Learning how to follow your dreams, your whims, and fickle wishes of the day.

I feel like something sparked in me from watching you.
Maybe one of your embers were sent flying
From your crackling and roaring spirit
and lit my heart aflame.

Now I feel like I can follow you,
Follow you straight into the light,
Into the sun.

Why do I keep going back and forth?
Waves that come and go to your shore.

Sometimes crashing and reaching further than before,
Sometimes barely kissing the edge of the sand.

Is it the push and pull of the mysterious moon?
Influencing me to rescind and other times
Throwing me forward?

Is it because I am scared to be tamed?
An ocean so deep it can't even comprehend all that it contains..

Maybe land makes me feel safe,
even if it is so foreign to an element like me.

All I want is to feel the soak,
When I am deep in between the pores of your being,
Deep underground and beneath the surface of you.

Requiring complete surrender
but it is so hard to learn
for the thrashing sea that is me...

I'm really good at falling in love with potential.
So put on a good face and tell me
A half true story and I'm sure
By the end of the day
You've probably sold me.

You've got me hooked
Cuz I bite the bait.
Ripped from the water,
Now scared of my fate.

Gut me open,
Skin me alive,
Peel off each individual
Rainbow scale,
Do whatever it takes
To make you feel more like the alpha male.

They always say,

"There's plenty of fish in the sea."

Well now there's one less of me.

Eventually the self work becomes
Another abandoned dream
Because if you go deep enough within
You'll find your wall.

The wall is the limit.

You don't know how to push past this one, or even if you do,
You know you're a coward.
Or a victim.
Or a failure.
Or a loser.
Or whatever it is, you know that
You can't do it.
You've convinced yourself.
You stay miserable to stay comfortable.

The impossible wall, which really,
Isn't that impossible at all.

You just are stuck
In a looping perspective of fear.

Haven't mustered the courage to
Make the jump
Just yet.

I feel like I'm supposed to be somewhere else
But I keep waking up to the same ceiling.
Tethered to a body.
Anchored here.
Inside a character that I no longer want to play out their story.

I want a new one.
New everything,
before my soul consumes itself,
plagued by restlessness.

An old soul throwing a temper tantrum.
Yelling at the sky
Hoping God is listening
If that's where he lives
Or if he even exists.

Under the night sky,
Stomping on the ground,
Glaring at each individual star,
Hoping that they can feel
My hatred.

My black, hardened chest
Cracks and shifts,
Exposing the lava pool underneath
That's been slowly burning me from the inside out.

Passion bursting through every crevice now, no longer able to hold in the pain.
Boiling in my throat, bubbling up and over, choking on a volcanic mouth.

The agony that comes from how torturous it is to have both equal opponents in the
Battle between fear and love.
I don't want to know who wins anymore,
I've had enough.

All my life has ever been was war
And all I've done was hide alone
In my trench and fox hole.

I just want something bigger,
Something more,
Without so much fear convincing me
To become the quitter.

"God," I think,
"Could I achieve enough inner agony for you to help me make it stop?"
My knees hit the concrete,
Eyes on the stars,
My skin melting off my very bones,
I collapse an empty corpse.
Every last bit of my semblance
Slowly burning like charred paper edges,
To leave behind a skeleton
And hopefully free the mind.

Do you enjoy the light I cast upon your shadow?

Or do you slip ever so slightly further into the dark?

Come sit among my angels

While I battle your demons.

Come into the light

And let me show you Heaven on Earth.

Do they know how hard it is to roar as a lion
When you feel like the mouse?

Do they know how hard it is to leave the nest
When this has been you're only home?

Do they know how hard it is to
Spread your wings and fly
When the ground is all you've ever known?

Do they know?

When they watch you day after day
They should know,
Shouldn't they?
How strong we are now that we mustered up enough courage
To jump
And soar.

Do you know
How brave
You really are?

I love the way the glass tip
Kisses my lips
And I kiss back.

Lifting a heavy bottle,
Hearing the swish swish.

Knowing it'll feel better
In just a minute.

How good it feels in that
"**** pain" kinda way..

Makes you feel like you have control
When we all know better.

I'm just adding more liquid to drown in
Instead of drowning in emotions.

I want so badly to sink into something more than this earth.
An essence that I just can't seem to grasp.

I can touch nature,
Feel the wind on my face
and toes in the dirt.

I can pluck flowers,
feel the warmth of a trees bark
Just like I can glide my hand along someone's skin but...
What's underneath it all?

Will I ever be able to blend into someone the way paints do
and make a new color all our own that no other two beings can make?