Hold me delicately,
Like the soft, leather petals
You caress between your fingertips,
And slip me in between the pages
Of your favorite love story
To keep me
Forever.

I always feel like a rope that has unraveled to it's final thread
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

and I think to myself so many times in life,
"This is gonna' be the time
I snap."

I will rip out every key to every door you think or ever thought that you had access to.

I will go down the line.

Slowly turning each lock,
As I whisper under breath,

"*******."

I have a wishbone

Where my backbone should be

And I bend over backwards, snapping myself in half,

Trying to manifest my dreams.


I don't know how I developed such a spineless way

Of walking through this life,

But I know I need to get a grip,

and charge forth towards the sky.

Why am I two different people
Inside my head
And who I really am?

Or is who I really am
Just all inside my head?

Maybe I don't know who I am
At all
And maybe I never did.

"I'm venusian,"
She said coyly as she elegantly bit into
The grapes hovering over her mouth.

"I overindulge even at my own detriment."

A soul purge so deep

That no one could be there to hold me in it.

A fire so englufing,
that if anyone had tried they'd have just been burned.
I lose control and only love the ones I have hurt.
How does that work?

The surrounding sounds muffle out as my chest caves in.
The kind of silence you endure as your surroundings completely disappear.

All you can feel is your chest pain burning like a thousand suns about to incinerate you alive.

You fight the urge to become a rage-induced animal
Because the pain is unbearable and no one gives a ****
and even if they do they CAN'T do anything about it.

I have to swallow it all and digest it.
I have to fight to not be overcome by it all.

But what do you do when you feel like your soul
is being filleted alive, soul stripped in all directions,
Bare, and ******* raw now..

The shedded lining burnt to a crisp in tatters across the floor around me and the pieces charred flying through the air.

Another phoenix stage of rising through the ashes
But where the **** does the sky take me?

I have been here before.

There is no where to go.

I give up.

I cut off my new wings.

Sometimes you get so good at forgiving
That boundaries start to blur
Until they disappear completely.

Eventually you lose sight
Of what's allowable.

Eventually you forgive so easily
That it softens us to even the most
Vicious attacks.

And red flag.. after red flag..
After red flag
We can't even see them
They **** by so fast
Cause somewhere along the way
We forgot that red means stop.

Red means pause
And think.

I'm sure you think to yourself,
How can giving be bad?

It's only bad because we have given
So much of ourselves that all
That is left is bones.

We died to save you
But you would never have
Bled a drop for us
.
.
.

You don't even know the power you have over me.

The tiniest thing could melt me.

The way just a lick could send me caving in,
Like cotton candy,
Dissolving
Into
You.

I drank you like hard liquor,
Straight and no chasers.

Knowing full well you'd burn my insides out

But man the buzz...

The love drunk spin,

I'd swallow it a thousand times, again and again.

Let's hope next time I drink enough to black the **** out.

How I long for a place of green.

Trees that give the freshest air.

Rain that washes away everything.

Cleansing the land, and cleansing me.

I am so tired of feeling dead inside

from seeing the dried out death all around me.

It feels like I can feel the land screaming.

Screaming like me for just a drop of water.

A drop of life.

When I see the rain outside I think of serenity,
but then I see the lightning crackling across the dark purple sky,
And I remember my spurts of anger.

Then I hear the thunder rumble through my chest, shaking loose the things that have calcified into my ribcage.

Things I've tried to pry apart and chip away; the memories I've tried to rid myself of,

But I know deep inside my withering heart

That you were always the only storm
I wanted to be destroyed by.

Shhhh.
Just come here,
Forehead to forehead,
Third eye to third eye.
Breathe in this final moment with me,
For in this life,
This is goodbye.

Every day feels like another nail in the coffin lid
but almost like it doesn't have any point anymore.

There's no use in continuing to hammer it in
When I'm not dying fast enough.

I waste away slowly inside,
Chipping pieces away from my soul.

Such boring existence.
Repetitive and old.
Patterns that remain the same.
Around and around we go.

I said, "go **** yourself,"
But really my soul was trying to say, "go find yourself."

I sometimes wonder if it was fated.

Maybe it is my job to be the evil one now.

Maybe we were meant to switch roles this way

And I was meant to experience this pain, this empty, this hatred

For everything for being nothing I ever wanted.

Lately I find myself stopping and wondering,

"Did you feel this way too? Behind closed doors and in your waking every day life, were you also consumed by this?
Have you wanted to be better but every day become
Jeckle and Hyde even though you didn't want to?
Did you experience the loneliness?
The distance? The fear? The panic?
The pure hell that is this existence?!"

Sometimes I really do wonder.
Sometimes I get curious enough to want to ask.
Sometimes I am really glad I can't ask when the moment sparks
because that means opening a whole new door,

Building a whole new bridge again
And DEAR GOD how it hurt growing up and watching the ones
I put so much work into get blown apart, repeatedly set ablaze by the dynamite you set off again and again and I just watched.
Like a child who just had their tower of blocks pushed over
I watched my bridge constantly decimated by fire, as each piece fell into the moat you built around your castle that you built around yourself to continue to waste away like the skeleton King you are
as you whisper your last breath, "You never really loved me."

Now look at you.
King of Nothing.

Who had a skeleton princess who swiped away her father's ashes from the gold laced throne and she took his place.
She dies waiting for her Prince that will never come
because she simply won't let down the draw bridge.

You're like the sheets in our bed.
I get so tangled up in you
That I often forget
That I can still suffocate.

Why do I have to teach them lessons

With my absence

Instead of with my presence?

I call you love

But not as an endearment.

I call you love

Because that is what you are.

We are all love

Walking around in a human form;

And one day we will return to love.

"I will rise,"

I tell them.

They laugh
For they only know of the moon
But I say it again
"I will rise.
Keep your eyes on the horizon.
Watch my colors burst into licks
Of flame."

And as they slumbered,
Snickering in sleep,
The light came pouring in slowly
Like thick honey
Glazing over their eyes.

When they woke
They could not, at first, handle my light.
They stood amazed,
Mouths agape.
And I said again,

"I have risen."

I told them all I'd become someone
Yet,
They didn't believe,
But I am as bright and as radiant
As the sun.

Those eyes.
The rest of you could melt away and become unfamiliar
but those eyes have looked at me in that exact way
for thousands of lifetimes
and I loved you just the same way
I love you now.

"Wickedness always was happiness."

-Chelsea 41:10

On the days that I say,
"You are not enough,"
I am truly saying that I
Still have not loved myself
Enough.

Life didn't conspire enough
To bring us together.

It only brought us halfway there.

And as I stare into the distance,
Waving, I whisper,
"Until we meet again."