Chelsea Molin

Chelsea Molin Oct 2017

Because I want you. I always have. I have no idea why.
Most of the time I wish I didn’t love you, because it’s annoying.
You are annoying. You’re grumpy, you hate everything, you have to check things a million times, you’re interested in things that make zero sense to me... but I love all of it. And it doesn’t annoy me. You don’t annoy me. I have guys that text me and the moment I see their name pop up, I’m annoyed. I don’t even want to see what they have to say because I know it won’t be interesting or profound. But when your name popped up on my phone I got excited. Every time. Even now I get excited when I see your name on my phone. I get butterflies. When we were together and you told me you loved me I got butterflies. Every time we kissed my heart skipped a beat, even after kissing you for two years.
And I can’t for the life of me figure out why that doesn’t mean anything to you...

Again, this isn't really a poem. I just keep having these kind of...stream of consciousness writings that seem to fall out of my head and on to paper. They're quite moving and profound for me and maybe they'll resonate with someone. That's why I share

Chelsea Molin Oct 2017

Untitled

She sat outside beneath the stars, their brightness reflecting off of her glistening eyes.
The door opened behind her and she instinctively wiped her eyes.
Then came his voice. It moved through the night like a fog, made its way into her ears, through her brain, and dug its way into her heart just to remind her how much it hurts.
"Hey, are you okay?"
She turned her face toward him and smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes, "Yeah, I'm fine. I just needed some air."
"Have you been crying?"
She laughed. She was very convincing. "No, of course not!"
"I can tell when you've been crying, you know that..." he said softly, his wide, blue eyes bore into her. "What's wrong?"
She broke.
"What's wrong is we aren't together! What's wrong is I don't know how to do this anymore! I don't know how to talk to you and not tell you that I love you. I don't know how not to look at your face and feel like I'm home. I don't know how to not have feelings for you. And I don't want to. I keep seeing you with someone else and I'm angry because she doesn't massage your back, she doesn't run her fingers through your hair or touch your face just because she loves it and it's her favorite face I'm the world. She doesn't ride with you to your interviews to make you feel more relaxed. She doesn't send you random messages telling you how much you mean to her and how thankful she is that you're hers. She doesn't tease you just to see your silly faces... I'm angry because you deserve better than someone who doesn't do all that."
He stood there completely still as he listened to her.
"Most of all, I don't know how to stop seeing you in everything. You haunt me everyday you aren't around. I don't know how to do this."
Tears had crept their way down her cheeks sometime during her speech. She made a move for him because what she wanted more than anything in that moment was for him to wrap his arms around her.
He took a step back, turned around, and walked away.

This isn't a poem. More like a rant or short story

Chelsea Molin Oct 2017

Right?

They're just Z's, Chelsea, it's not a big deal.
But to him they were snowflakes.
They're just brown eyes, nothing special there.
But to him they were beautiful, mesmerizing.
My imperfect body is covered with flaws
But to him it was perfect in every way.
He used to make a song and sing about how much he liked every part of my body, just to see me smile.
You might say: they're just words!
And you'd be right... But didn't they mean something?
Just penguins and lobsters
Just whales laying next to each other at night making noise to let the other one know we're there...
Wasn't it right how our bodies fit together like the jigsaw puzzles I put together
And that you helped me save?
Wasn't it right how we could talk for hours, see each other for days
And still want more?
Wasn't it right how I could fall asleep with my head on your chest and your arms around me
And feel just as safe as I do in my barricade of pillows
If not more so?
Wasn't it right how we made each other so happy we could hardly stand it and we'd settle for "ah!" as a description.
Didn't it matter that I still got butterflies with every kiss and utterance of "I love you"?
Where did it go wrong?
Why could only you see us falling apart?
Why didn't you warn me?
Because didn't it matter that we spent a whole week living together and only argued once?
Isn't it wrong that we can go months without speaking
But not a day goes by that I don't think about you.
Isn't it wrong that I see you in everything.
Everything is wrong.
I lay still at night, a lone whale full of emptiness
Listening to the stillness of the silence
Making noise because I am awake.
But you're not there to answer back.
You're not here.
And that's wrong.
...Right?

These are all things my ex boyfriend and I did. I know a lot of it is ambiguous and weird, so if it helps put it in perspective:
I cross my Z's when I write them and he thought I was unique like a snowflake.
I called him my lobster and he called me his penguin.
There's a joke by Jim Gaffagin where he mimics a whale and we thought it was so funny we would lay next to each other and make whale noises.
He would glue jigsaw puzzles together for me after I did them because they're all 1000+ pieces
I hate sleeping next to people. But I loved sleeping next to him.
I hope that helps clarify this a bit.

Chelsea Molin Aug 2017

Haunted

It's like floating on nothing, waiting to fall
Broken wings trying to fly through it all.
Pictures of you go shooting past
Haunting my thoughts, how long does this last?
I thought it was done, that'd you'd just let me go,
But you hold tight, swimming my to and fro.
My arms are broken from stretching myself too thin
You seem so much better off, I should probably just let you win
And go crashing down to the ground
And get lost somewhere I can't be found.

Chelsea Molin Jul 2017

Fix It

She lays on her back
His lips writing a one way ticket
Out of hell, but only for a few minutes
She puts on her make up
And her big smile
For a moment, nothing's wrong.
She throws another shot back
There's too many to keep track
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She stares at his pictures
With tears flooding her eyes
She grabs her phone,
She has to give him one more try
She waits and she wonders
How could this be goodbye?
She burns his pictures
Deletes his number
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She's dangerous, reckless
Doing things she knows are wrong
She's hurt and she's broken
How can he not come around?
She gets lost in the *****
And all the guys who abuse
Because she's desperate to fix it.
She doesn't want to remember
She makes mistake after mistake after mistake
Conscious and deliberate
Because she's desperate to fix it.

Chelsea Molin Jun 2017

Lost

Back to where I began
Part of rock bottom was never the plan
Sleeping with distractions to end night terrors
Making love when there's no love there
What does one expect when I'm broken and torn?
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
You made me believe lies so many
But they didn't lie when they said misery loves company.
I hope you wake up years from now
And realize that you missed out.
I'm not mad that it's over, just mad how it ended
After all I went through and your flaws that I defended.
There's nothing worse than looking like a fool
And now I'm sick and tired of following the rules.
I'm standing up, finally not lying down
I can't wait to laugh and see you frown.
But when I'm alone, the truth can't hide,
My actions and my heart don't coincide.
Congratulations, you finally broke me
And forced me to act a way I never wanted to be
I'm just at a loss, I don't know what to do
All I know is I'm so disappointed in you
And in myself for believing your lies
And becoming something I know I'll despise.

Chelsea Molin Jun 2017

Lullaby

Teardrops are a lullaby
Singing me to sleep
But this broken heart is nothing
Compared to promises you can't keep.
It's like a steady march
To a death toll
As sorrow sets in
And consumes my soul
It eats away at me
From the inside out
Starting at my heart,
Then taking the easy rout;
Moving on its way,
Coursing through my veins
Like acid in my blood,
There is no worse pain.
I cover my mouth
To try and conceal
Ashamed at all of this
And exactly how I feel.
How could I have done this?
How could this happen?
I gave my all and once again
I am found lacking.
****** if you do,
More so if you don't
I'm trying to keep my head above water,
Just to stay afloat.
Throw me a lifeline,
Just something to hold on to
Show me there's a reason
That I haven't given up on you...