I am a product of my childhood
As so many of us are
I show every wound
And wear every scar
I've been a dozen people
With so many different faces
If you look close enough,
You can still see the traces.
The many hands
Molded me into the woman you see
Finally in my own skin
And not afraid to be me.
They still linger there
Just beneath the surface
Waiting for a moment
When I am defenseless
They take turns
And react to every situation
Anger, sadness,
Confusion, depression.
I have all these feelings
In my head and heart
All fighting for room
With no real place to start.
A product of my childhood
Where I learn to adapt
And best every circumstance
With my sanity intact
A product of my mistakes
That have left me broken
Abandoned with no answers
And a thousand words unspoken
A product of my relationships
Where it seems impossible to trust
You lay all your cards on the table
And it turns out you bust.
A product of my tears
That stain the pillowcase
Followed by the glowing smile
I've created to save face.
A product of my actions
That seem so careless and free
But behind them I'm screaming
"Look what you've done to me"
A product of my silence
And all the things I've never said
A solace I've created
To combat the chaos in my head.

Walk on eggshells,
Don't let them crack;
After all that's happened
How can we get back...
****** if I do,
****** if I don't
Terrified of wasted time
And fake feelings shown
I don't understand
What's different from before
We're still there everyday
Only now there's eggshells on the floor.
Tip toe around,
Careful what you say,
Don't want to make a slip
And have him push you away.
Everything is there still:
Feelings, attraction, ease;
Laughs, jokes, playful remarks,
And the way we tease.
Lingering gazes,
The desire to touch,
Although you're right there,
I still miss you so much...
You're there in front of me
But you stay just out of reach
Mesmerizing with kindness
And essays of sweet speech.
He loves me,
He loves me not
Maybe disappointment
Is the thing I bought
Wandering around
Shattered shells beneath my feet
Hoping you'll make a decision
And in the end we'll meet
A pedicure of blood,
My heart black and blue
Clinging onto faith
Because I believe in you.
You keep me complacent
Or just keep me around
Until you're more comfortable
Letting me down.

Take these tears and put them on ice,
Shame on me for letting you fool me twice.
Sweet nothings babbles through the course of time,
Putting my guard down let me believe you were mine.
Happy and laughing, then things changed quick;
"Something is wrong, I need help!" what a trick.
"I need to be alone so I can get by"
Did you really think I wouldn't catch your lie?
Making me worry and hope for the best,
When everything you said meant nothing and you couldn't care less.
All I ever asked for was honesty,
I meant what I said, but you didn't give me that courtesy.
Took what you wanted, you got the best of me
And I was so blinded by you and unable to see
The man behind the mask, the liar and thief
Who stole my heart with every intention to leave.
Spinning lies into beautiful illusions
I ate them up and bought into the delusion.
Giving you the benefit of the doubt
Because the feelings I have I'd gone too long without.
I don't like to give up or walk away,
But this is a game that I don't want to play.
I'm sorry for my wasted time
And all the nice things I said--every line
I'm sorry for my broken heart feeling like an exposed nerve,
But most of all I'm sorry because you're not what I deserve.
You didn't have the decency to tell me the truth,
I guess that's just a sign of your immaturity and youth
Someone better will come along, they'll be honest and nice,
But ****...shame on me for letting you fool me twice.

Standing on the edge
Caught between who I was and who I am.
One step forward,
Two steps back,
Struggling to keep my head above water
Or cower in their arms, it's like an addict to smack.
Anything better than feeling alone, right?
Twisting and spiraling down a dark, dangerous plight.
Foot holds smothered in vaseline,
I can't even catch myself.
Follow the light--step forward,
Or hide in the comfort of the past
Two steps back, for those of you keeping track.
A place I swore I'd never return to
It keeps itself wrapped in pretty shades of blue.
Beckoning and calling me away from you.
You are the step forward
They are two steps back
But you stay just out of reach,
A beautiful illusion of where I want to be.
Stuck in limbo with nothing to do
Stuck between which me is really who.

There's a hand on my shoulder
That pulls me back
Behind the scenes
Where no one sees
And she looks just like me

She's watched me closely
Over the years
So when she takes the stage
No one can save me
No one even knows I'm missing

Something is wrong
Something's not right
I've gone to sleep
But some how it's not night.
Everything is wrong

How do I fix this?
The damage is done.
Only I can see
Where she has stepped in
And left me behind

She plays me so well
Even I'm almost convinced
But her actions are wrong
And her confidence is minced
She is broken

Dragging me down
From the ladder I've climbed
Rung by rung
From top to bottom
Because misery loves company.

Sitting in the sidelines
Gagged and bound
Watching myself
Fall from grace
Out of control of my own fate

No fault of my own...
Adenoma was her name
Knowledge allowed me to break my chains
My shadow for a year, removed in a day
The rain cloud above my head has gone away.

But what has been broken
What she made believe
Is something I built
And watched crumble at my feet
That's something that remains

I have overcome
And am standing strong
Good as new and healing fast
Trying to find peices among the debris
And make something new

I am back in control of myself
The way it's meant to be
No one to pull me away when I least expect
Or ruin what I have going for me
It's me in the spotlight. Only me.

Words were said
But they weren't meant
They were make believe
And more than a little bent

Bedroom eyes
Silly smiles, kissing lips
Tangled limbs
And bare skin beneath fingertips

Rapid heartbeats
Butterflies when we're near
How can you miss me
When I'm standing right here?

I've never been so comfortable
Never felt so close
Never wanted to be around someone
Or minded being exposed

Talking came easy
We were best friends
Fights always resolved
Communication to make ammends

Words went unspoken
Things started to go wrong
Feelings remained hidden
For far too long

What was whole
Now is broken
What was warm
Now seems frozen

We meant the world
To each other
But none of that matters
If he longs for another

Reaching out
But his back is turned
I call out, scream
But he seems unconcerned

None of what we had
Seems to matter anymore
Stop holding on.
Try to close the door.

Try to move on,
Hold your head high
Stifle the hurt,
Don't let them see you cry...

Tear stained face
Pressed to the pillowcase,
Silent screams make your body ache.
You feel stupid, it was all a trick
It's enough to make your stomach sick.

I'm not okay
And it's not alright
But what's another sleepless night?
No different than the ones before,
Hiding and mourning behind a closed door.

How does a mind change so fast?
Is it even possible to build something that will last?
One hundred to zero in no time at all
And no arms to catch you when you fall

Love's the deadliest game of Trust there is,
Especially when you just brush their fingertips.
Head over heels you twirl and spin
Up and down, you can't tell, you can't win.

They taunt you with words,
Sweet nothings on tainted lips
They nudge their way into your heart
And tickle your hips

They make you believe,
Make you trust,
Then reduce your being
To ashes and dust.

Called to home,
From where you came
It's almost nice to be back again.
Alone you know where you stand
Take a look at your empty hand...

Forget the warmth,
Forget the glow,
Forget the flutter,
And how your eyes would glow.

Forget the heartbeat
And the comfort it brought
Forget about the kisses
And the solace you sought

Forget and move forward
That's all you can do.
Forget all about them
Like they do to you...