I am the stranger.
I am the enemy;
Whom I fight with everyday.
Kills me to see the person I am today.
Kills me to see the person Ive become.
Kills me to see what I look like.
Kills me to see what I really am.
I cant turn my back on myself,
Because I dont wanna walk away;
When I can just destroy myself.
I wanna break the mirror,
So I can break myself.
& on the other side, is my soul trying to escape.
Now Ive taken my fist;
And punched the mirror.
Now Ive taken water;
And wet the mirror.
Now Ive taken the hammer;
And smashed the mirror.
My fist left me bruised.
The water made me drown.
The hammer broke me into a million pieces;
& now I lay bleeding,
Broken into pieces;
On the ground.
The only way I go blind from seeing myself is through the mirror.
The only way I break is through the mirror.
Because without the broken glass,
I still have to live looking at myself.

It looks so calm, but i was told not to be fooled
I didnt believe, instead i ignored all the signs
I dipped my feet in the cold wet liquid; eventually it became warm with the sand between my toes
I walked into a pathway of seashells
An invisible basket i had carried in my hands where the shells rested in my arms
The weeds tickled me so i became comfortable going deeper into the water
I felt like i was turning into a mermaid because breathing became easier
As my body went deeper
I felt like a little girl with no worries
Until the sun went down; and i became weak
I couldnt control my breathing,
Then i felt like i was drowning
I was being pulled down from the seaweeds and then the waves had their support
The seashells cut me and i bled with no bandages
Suddenly i couldnt swim
Suddenly i couldnt breathe
I felt tickeled, but not from gentle hands
I was circled from a creature with a sharp object attached to its body
I suddenly fainted as i was stung from the stingray that crept up on me
I felt hypnotized and i couldnt speak
I was brought deeper in the water then i felt squeezed
I was pulled,
I was shoved,
I was held tight from an octopus who was rough
I also felt pinched; i was stuck to its arms and then suddenly i was dragged under water
The suction cups from its body pulled my skin
I wanted to fight but my body just gave in
I was under so much weakness,
Then suddenly i felt more pain
The razor sharped teeth from an eel scraped its mouth all over my frame
As it scraped me, a big creature watches me
Its eyes were dark and its body covered the ocean
I felt caged with no key
I wanted to be free
But then i became close to more teeth
Suddenly my eyes close
My bones were broken
My blood, overflowed
My body ruined
My lungs were crushed
My skin was ripped
And my heart had stopped
It was big
While i was small
I was too weak
It was too strong
I stung myself with negativity
I squeezed my heart to my mind
I pinched myself towards a dark path
I suctioned all the life out of my spine
I calmed myself with the weapon that i used to fight
I fought myself with a razor and then a knife
Finally i swallowed it whole
I swallowed what had to stay
And i swallowed what shouldnt have had to go
I broke my whole body
I broke my own bones
I manipulated my mind
I was the one who swallowed myself whole
My blood poured out
Hoping i was found so someone can lift me out
I felt like a broken mermaid unable to kick
Unable to move
Unable to swim
I felt like i was just born not knowing what to do;
Not knowing whats around
And that being alone was the worst thing to do.

It isnt true when people say that "the past is gone"
It isnt true that when people say "whatever happened in the past will stay in the past"
It isnt true when people say "its in the past, let it be"
It isnt true when people say "not to worry, its in the past now"
And its hard to say "forget the past"
Because Im still crying
Im still worrying
Im still angry
Im still stressing
Im still anxious
Im still unable to breathe
Im still fighting
Im still deciding
Im still thinking
Im still confused
Im still nevous
Im still fearful
Im still weak
Im still haunted
Dont tell me the past wont ever come back
Dont tell me the past will never speak
Dont tell me the past will never come up
Dont tell me the past will never rewind itself
Dont tell me the past has ended
Dont tell me the past has died
Dont tell me the past will never be spoken about again
Dont tell me the past wont remind me of anything
Dont tell me the past wont reflect the present
Dont tell me the past wont reflect the future
Im crying because of the trauma
Im angry because of the actions
Im stressing because of the drama
Im anxious because Im overwhelmed
Im still fighting because I never won
Im still deciding because I dont know what to do
Im still thinking because I dont know where to go
Im still confused because I never ended up finding my way
Im still nervous because my nerves keep shaking
Im still fearful because my fears wont leave me
Im still weak because my mental strength took off on me
Im still haunted because these problems still scare me
So dont tell me the past will never come back
Because I still live it
& so the past reflects my present
& so the past reflects my future
& until I stop these negative emotions,
Then I will know the past has gone to rest

Slowly walking into a room with fresh flowers
Beautiful colours
Beautiful creations
Beautiful scents
Deep breath
I close my eyes
Deep breath
And then I cry
The anxiety
The anger
The sadness
The sorrow
The memories
Walking where the flowers lead to her new bed
The sent gets stronger
I get weaker
But I need to get closer
I'm as close as ill ever be
Surrounded by flowers all around her & me
The beautiful creations weren't supposed to be the only ones alive
The beautiful creations were forced to make everyone cry
Stripping the happiness
Bruising the anger
Drowning the eyes
Poking the ears
Shattered the mouth
Breaking the nose
Now the scent will never make me forget
It's a memory
It's a flashback
It's a sorrow
That will never leave my head
As I smell a flower,
It burns
It hurts
I remember
Going back to that time
When those flowers scented the room
The memory of what happen
The memory of the last day
The memory of the room
When I had to say goodbye forever

Black roses fell down from the dying trees
The red ones lay down in her bed
White roses wait to free her
& blue roses has drowned everyone in their tears.
The happiness went quiet throughout the days of pain
& after I heard the news I was ready to run away.
Depression filled up everyone's soul;
Mine especially.
I still dont understand why he took you away.
As you grew weaker,
I grew weaker with you.
& when you left us;
I died with you.
Im just visible;
But Im buried inside my body.
Puddles of tears,
Shocks & fears.
Noone knew what to do
Noone knew where to go
Noone knew how to focus
Noone knew who to talk to
I didnt know how to cry anymore
My tears stayed within me;
While people force me to be strong.
Not for myself;
But for the people I truly love.
Because when I held your other two daughters close to me while you lay;
I was forced not to cry.
& It killed me afterwards.
Inside I was choking
Inside I wasnt breathing
Inside my heart was slowly shutting down trying to reach yours
Inside I wasnt thinking
Inside I was worried for them
Inside I was crying for them
Inside I was trying to breathe for them
Inside my heart tried to calm down for them
Inside I was living for them
& the last days we saw you;
I still never cried the way everyone was.
I was told to be strong for them;
But my strength has held everyone up;
While their weaknesses has brought me down.
I just felt I needed to give away my strength;
So they wouldnt fall like the way Im falling now.
Because the last night you were shown;
I just balled my eyes out.
Walking down the isle,
Just listening to the sad music.
Knowing that you wont be here anymore.
I just felt the tension everywhere.
But I kept everything inside.
I needed to concentrate on them;
To be so strong for them.
I knew I had the strength within me.
But in the end Im unable to fight away my weakness today.
All my strength kept everyone going.
All my strength kept everyone forgetting.
All my strength kept everyone laughing again.
All of my strength leaves me in tears.
The tears nobody saw,
The tears nobody expected,
The tears nobody would notice,
The tears that were forced onto me while I forced my strength onto everyone.
The tears I drown in everyday.

Listen to me guide you to my body;
I wanna whisper something in your ear,
& then act it out.
Listen to my plan;
Agree with what I ask of you;
& shut the door behind you.
Listen to my rules;
You have no choice but to obey me.
Just listen to me;
Allow your lips to read mine.
Just listen to me;
Allow us to caress eachother's body.
Listen to me;
Let us increase our energy levels.
Listen to me;
Let us open the bed.
Listen to me;
Let us strip eachother's clothes.
Listen to me;
Pick me up, then push me down.
Listen to me;
Let us finally heat up the room.
Now listen to me scream with pleasure.

The phone calls reached your ears
But my ears were saddened by the other end
Everyday i called
But everyday got shorter
I heard the weakness in your voice
I heard the change from the words you tried to speak
I just couldnt recognize the strength that suddenly grew so weak
I tried to raise your spirits,
but i couldnt understand the pain
My tears were always hidden
They drowned me as i closed myself in
I knew time was running out and then i wished there was something i could do
There was no voice because you were limited to speak
There was no air that was strong because you were fighting to breathe
Everything was slowing down;
We just tried to understand what you felt
Seeking help; we only heard you in pain
We wished you had healed
We wished you were able to explain
I was confused;
But then i understood
I was dumb;
But then i wasnt stupid
I was dreaming;
But then the nightmare came true
I was deaf;
But then i heard
I was praying;
But then my prayers were ignored
We couldnt hear no more
Then the breathing got slow
It was a nightmare
A terrible nightmare
I wanted to close my eyes and make it all disappear
But when i opened my eyes, it was the pounding heart that disappeared

I just dont understand
I just have to keep questioning
I just want to know
Because Im so confused
Lord you have tricked me
Lord you played games
Lord you have stolen
Why,
The pain
Why,
The suffering
Why,
The ending
I thought everything was going to be ok
I thought everything was going to heal
I thought everything was going to calm down
I thought every piece of sadness was going to end
She who was beautiful
She who was good
She who was harmless
She who was kind
She who was giving
She who was caring
She who was smart
She who always put herself last
She who was a mother
& when there was pain,
Along came the suffering.
& when there was suffering,
Along came the death.
Why did she even start to feel pain?
Why did she even have to suffer?
But Lord you have taken all her pain
Lord you have taken all her suffering
Lord you have finally released her from being prisoned
But now Im the one in pain
Now Im the one suffering
& I dont think I can release myself from all this negativity I have inside me
I cannot gain any strength within my weakness
Because I cant stop crying
& I dont think I can ever see the light again

Decisions of everyones thinking;
The sounds of they're voices.
So sick.
So tired.
I dont wanna hear it anymore.
And Im being controlled by everything;
Everyone.
My mind is so confused.
My heart cant give me a response.
& my breathing is releasing itself from my body.
Im breathing,
But not on my own.
Im hyperventilating,
And they're making it faster.
Ive stopped breathing,
So they've suffocated me.
Im struggling so much.
I dont know what to believe.
I dont know who to trust.
I lost control of it.
I hear so much *******.
But when I want the truth,
Theres so much static for me to understand.
So controlled,
I feel so trapped.
So naive,
I feel mislead.
So claustrophobic,
Im being forced to breathe in different ways.
Fast to the point I cannot catch my breathe.
Slow to the point that the air has stopped.
My heart,
My head,
Is so confused.
My head,
Is no longer in charge of me.
That master is dead.
So everyone has taken over.
Im in knots.
Im being fooled.
Im being lied to.
& Im going crazy.
The drama they cause,
Plays with my body.
Its an overreaction I cannot control.
Its the breathing I lost control of.
So the air comes through when they have me in the spot.
They're voices hurt my ears.
They're breathing overpowers mine.
They know how to control me.
So confused,
I gave up.
Everything can just finally destroy me.
Because inside Im mentally dead.
Im in the middle of it all,
So I just wanna break & fall.
Inside Im already broken.
The whispering,
The talking,
The staring,
First anxiety.
The lies,
The cheating,
The games,
Second anxiety.
The yelling,
The fighting,
The issues,
Third anxiety.
The anger,
The depression,
The confusion,
Its never gonna stop.
I know they have the power to control my air.

Behind the pain,
Im trapped in a corner.
They are getting inside my head.
They are getting to my body.
They are eating away at my strength,
& feeding my weaknesses.
With no control,
My blood is boiling from the fears thats being brought to me.
I feel as though Im choking,
Everything is just pushing up against me.
My heart is cracking,
With the blood escaping.
My dizziness appears to tire me out,
When Im gasping for air.
Im so blind,
Because everything is just throwing me around all at once.
I cant control anything anymore.
Its too much to handle.
Silence has grown;
It finally speaks the truth.
But when I need help,
The noise just dies down again.
The problems are piercing me.
The people are piercing me.
The mirror is piercing me.
My mind is piercing me.
Everything around me is piercing me.
Trying to bleed everything out,
But Im left dizzy & confused.
Trying to bleed everything out,
But Im only left to drown in the puddles.
Trying to bleed everything,
But Im left shaking.
Trying to bleed everything out,
But Im being manipulated;
With more pain.
A million times,
Im being stabbed.
The thorns are sinking deeper & deeper inside my skin.
Making sure I stop seeing.
Making sure I stop hearing.
Making sure I stop speaking.
Making sure I stop breathing.
& everywhere I turn,
They come for me;
Just piercing me.
Allowing me not to think.
Allowing me not to move.
They undid the comfort around me.
They did the damage within me.
They forced out the blood inside me.
I have these holes in my body,
That can never be healed.

Do you know how it feels to say goodbye
Do know what it feels like to actually cry
Do you know how it feels when you cannot breathe
Do you know how hard it is to sleep
Do you know how to deal with a pain that wont go away
Do you know how to deal with someone who couldnt stay
Do you know how to deal with strength you need to quickly build
Do you know how to deal with the weakness that broke your shield
Do you know how to fight when the sickness shows you the truth
Do you know how to fight when anger wants to shoot
Do you know to fight when there is sadness in your eyes
Do you know how to fight when depression & sorrow make you cry
Do you know how hard it is to think and cry at once
Do you know how hard it is to breathe and hyperventilate for months
Do you know how hard it is to see nothing but memories and love
Do you know how hard it is to continue to feel that touch
Do u know what it feels like to kiss a cold beautiful face;
Whos asleep forever;
And you know she will no longer wake...

These wounds arent healing;
& the pain is too strong for me to handle.
Ive fought enough,
But fighting the person within me.
My mind has put a stop sign in front of my own eyes;
& like the naive girl that I am,
I obeyed.
Ive pulled myself away from everything,
& abandoned my spirits.
Im no longer the person I used to be.
Changing into a stranger I dont even know,
Im finally broken.
Im not strong anymore.
My strength was taken from my own self;
& all this time Ive been sick.
I dont know what to do anymore.
Its too late for me to get better.
& I regret turning my back on everything,
Everyone,
Myself.
Never understood anything,
Because I wasnt allowed to be smart.
My mind had locked me up from day one;
& so I couldnt learn.
But only learned how to bleed.
And so my mind took me somewhere else.
My mind transformed me completely.
& I wish I wasnt here;
To bring all the pain to life,
To be who I am now.

To have anxiety;
All my fears are haunting me
To have fear,
And then i hyperventilate
To hyperventilate;
It comes from numerous dark thoughts
To have dark thoughts;
My mind is brainwashing me
To be brainwashed;
Im so angry of what ive become
To be angry;
Im so uncontrollable and then my tears begin to fall
To be uncontrollable;
Im crying deep inside
To cry;
A depression has been built inside my soul
To be depressed;
I have taught myself to harm me
To use a weapons;
I have taught myself how to bleed
To bleed;
I finally have relaxation from it all
To relax;
And then im trembling
I begin to tremble;
Im shaking and my body is going into shock
To shake;
I cant move without falling, i cant move without giving out
To fall;
My bones have been broken
To be broken;
I will never gain strength

Too much to think,
My mind has been clogged.
Too much to hear,
My eardrums have stopped receiving sound.
Too much to see,
My eyes have been forced to stay closed.
Too much to breathe;
Too much to speak,
My throat has been tighten so no air can pass through;
& so too much of everything,
The air has stopped my body completely.
..Too much of everything,
I have given up.

Little girl in her own world
And the world is different from everyone else's
New discoveries
New paths
And then,
A new personality
So then, a hidden secret
I never understood what changed
I thought i was so normal
Something there just wasnt right
Something the family noticed just wasnt fine
I was able to see, but nothing was clear
I was able to hear, but it was all static
I was able to breathe, but i kept hyperventilating
My mind was so naive until i became friends with the devil
And when i tried to escape, it blinded me from the light
All the darkness was thrown in front of me;
I was too small to look for the light
But then i was too short to switch it back on
And then the walls caved in on me
The size that i was;
My bones have been broken from being crushed with fear
I didnt have the time to grow out of this sickness
And then all the questioned were asked..
Why are you like this?
Watch your attitude
Why arent you eating?
Your going to become anorexic
Why are you slamming the door?
Your going to break it
Why are you throwing things around?
She can hurt someone
Why are you yelling?
Your scaring everyone
Why are you hurting people?
Keep your hands to yourself
Why are you talking to yourself?
Your so weird
Why are you failing in school?
Your going to fail the grade
Why did you become distant?
You dont talk to anyone anymore
Why are you a *****?
Your going to lose your friends
Why are you getting into fights?
One day you will fight with the wrong person
Why dont you sleep?
Take a sleeping pill
Why are you hyperventilating?
Why are you anxious?
Why are you angry?
Why are you violent
Why are you promiscuous?
Why are you always drunk?
Why are you suicidal?
And these questions couldnt be answered until i allowed myself to take control
I never knew what the word crazy meant until i actually read the word and matched it to my mind
C-crying my eyes out
R-restless and never tired
A-anxiety attacks forced me to hyperventilate; anger turned into danger within myself
Z-zoning out and not responsive
Y-yelling and screaming with rage
Im still growing up
Im still trying to control it all

My body was created and then torn apart
Like a puzzle that was noone was able to put me back together
Through my skin,
I bled myself to hyperventilation
Through my body,
I drank myself to sleep
Through my soul,
I cried myself to dream
My head was left
My heart was always right
My arms were heavy
My legs were light
My eyes were always burned
My nose was plugged
My mouth was always stretched
My ears were always clogged
My pupils had been scratched
My nasal cavity had been pushed on
My vocal cords had been cut
My ears had been popped
My fingers and toes had been hit
My hair hasnt been strong
My face had been squeezed
My body had been numb
My body had been torn apart since it got created
Noone was able to put me back together with the pieces of my puzzle
When i was bleeding,
I wanted to bleed some more
When i was drinking,
I drank myself out the door
When i was crying,
I cried myself; and wanted to be blind
I couldnt breathe;
Ill never breathe
Im the air is gone,
Because im snapped
Broken in pieces
Torn apart
There is no more air for me to breathe;
For me to be one again

The thoughts
The stress
The pressure
The tears
The weakness
The worry
The guilt
The fears
The anxiety
The depression
The situations
The nightmares
The people
The self-esteem
The loss
The doubts
The memories
The exhaustion
The feelings
The eyes
The nose
The mouth
The ears
The hands
The feet
The arms
The legs
The stomach
The head
The time
The mind
The pain

Its all closed
Its all locked
And everything is dark around me
Inside but cant get out
Listening but cant make a sound
Looking but cant see clear
Speaking but noone can hear
Around me i cannot explain
When i try to speak, noone can u understand
And when i try to make them understand, they get confused
Reaching out; this isnt a game
Reaching out; cause im going insane
I wanna close my eyes and then open them without being afraid
But my fears are all around me
My nightmares are out to get me
Im so isolated with fire and i feel im going to burn out
The tension is around me when i try to breathe
I cannot put my air anywhere so i choke
Im hyperventilating inside body; theres no room to breathe
My heart pounds faster but my body is weak
It suddenly stops because im ******* myself in my bones as i try to squeeze
I have no strength; its taken away
My weakness escaped
My strength, locked away
I wanna speak but i choke
I wanna see but my eyes close
I wanna hear but my ears are injected with static
I wanna feel but im so numb
I wanna run but i fall
I wanna breathe but my airway have been blocked
I wanna scream but my mouth is covered
I wanna cry but my eyes are shut tight
I wanna be told that i can escape but im told that i have to remain locked up inside
I wanna ice my skin but i will get frost bitten
I wanna pick myself up but im pinned to the floor
I wanna take in the breaths but my lungs have collapsed
I wanna start over but i cant
I wanna turn back time but it wont
I wanna unlock to escape,
But i threw away the key

I escaped
I broke free
I was my own enemy and fought my fears
Its a memory i dont want to remember
The bruises are inside of me
And the pain still remains
& all it takes is something small to make me turn again
Its buried,
But i accidentally dig it out
I remember
Im spacing out
I feel the pain
And so im anxious once again
That moment to remember
That moment to not breathe
That moment to try to forget
That moment to try and make it leave
Times
Places
Pictures
Things
My mind is being manipulated
Im depressed once again
My mind is being bothered
My anger is back again
My mind is being feared
Im scared once again
My mind is being played with
Im hyperventilating once again
Anything and everything
Can make the pain even worse
Anything and everything
Can release the enemy
Anything and everything
Can make me remember
Going back;
Its all making me think
I just shut my eyes and try to forget
Undo this pain once and for all
I thought it was gone forever
I guess i was wrong
And i do remember
And i dont forget
Thoughts running through my head
Memories open the door again
Im just forced to allow them back in my life
Can i just forget
How do i forget
Forget the life
That was full of regret
And then i feel like im retracing what i damaged
And what i damaged, im retracing
And what was damaged,
Is now always in a bandage.
But every so often it rips off of my mind.
Then i bleed once again

Rewinding these moments that went through my head before
Confused
Worried
Scared
Angry
Depressed
Losing the happiness that was supposed to be forever
Why is this so familiar
It feels so real
It looks so real
Please take away this pain forever
Wake me from this pain
Wake me from this nightmare
I don't want to feel it anymore
The darkness is deeper
My eyes grow tighter
My heart beats faster
My body grows weaker
And then I'm breathing heavy
Wake me from the silence
The noise is all in my head
Wake me from this noise
The silence is when my brain begins
This truth of darkness exists
But why won't it disappear
Lies of dreams taken away from nightmares
I just cannot sleep
Just wake me up
I never want to sleep again
I realize im awake
This is reality

If only my nightmares werent real
And i could have slept in peace
If only my breathing were normal
And i didnt have all this anxiety
If only my moods were stable
And that my tears would never escape
If only my anger wasnt bad and that i made myself filled with hate
If only i didnt ignore the people that i needed most
If only i wasnt distant and that i disappeared like a ghost
If only i had listened to the ones that i loved
If only i was smarter with the disaster that ive caused
If only the sorrow hadnt appeared into my life
If only i used my brain when i wanted to pick up a knife
If only i was able to help myself without so much force
If only i didnt hurt myself behind all the closed doors
If only i hadnt taken out all my anger onto family
If only i understood of why i became so crazy
If only things were different
If only things had changed
If only things didnt happen
If only things had been erased

My heart beats fast & slow at the same time,
But i will never feel any emotion
I run & walk away at the same time,
But my fears will always be there
I dream & have nightmares at the same time,
But i will always be scared
Im distant & close at the same time,
But i will always be far
I laugh & cry at the same time,
But the depression will always be there
I talk & scream at the same time,
But the anger will not disappear
My eyes are open & closed at the same time,
But these images will never move
I feel & get numb at the same time,
But i will always be in pain
I ignore & listen at the same time,
But i wont ever give any answers
I hate & love at the same time,
But i will always remember
Im calm & nervous at the same time,
But my nerves will always b shot
I hyperventilate & breathe normal at the same time,
But i will always have anxiety
I remember & forget at the same time,
But my mind will always be blank
Its dark & light at the same time,
But i will always see one side
I respect & disrespect myself at the same time,
But i will always harm
Im normal & not normal at the same time,
But i will always be insane

He whispered in my ear to get my glass ready;
And get my hourglass figure prepared
He bought me a liquid that he can watch inside of me; feel inside of me
I needed a seduction to wipe away all my fears
I needed his hands to take away all the nightmares
I needed his kisses to **** out all the depression
I needed his body to save me from hyperventilation

I began swallowing the cold liquid he poured for me
Eventually I was heavily drinking
I wanted to feel a bunch of feelings in one
And he wanted to watch me get weak & crazy
I was typsy before being drunk off love
Love that was poured into a glass before wanting to finish the bottle

So once the sun went down, so did our clothes
He waited for that drowsiness to show,
And the weakness to take over me
That was his cue to take advantage
He knew my mind was unstable, so he layed me on the bed
He knew my world was poison, so he ****** the life out of my neck
The drink did nothing until he touched each part
The liquid quickly ran through my body
Then it activated my heart
I felt weak, and out of breath before he made himself hide
First his tongue tasted my alcohol from inside
My legs were shaking while he was below
The wait was over after I finished with him in my throat
That glass of alcohol extended to a bottle that it was almost hard to bare
And he made it more intense as it drowned my body, under his ****** care

What is your mind telling you?
What are your eyes showing you?
Because I act like a ghost.
Noone understands me.
Noone knows me.
Noone sees me.
& when I talk,
It confuses you.
& when I whisper,
You cannot hear.
& when I yell,
You appear deaf.
Because you only see what you want,
I will never let anyone understand me.
Its too hard to go through every step.
Just continue to understand what you know & think.
Continue being so clueless.
Im just a mystery that you cannot solve.
Keep thinking;
I make you run your mind.
Keep searching;
You're brain keeps hurting.
Not even a microscope wont figure me out.
Im so distant.
So far away.
The sound of my voice leaves everyone so lost.
My body is the only one thats visible,
Because the soul within me hides.
Isnt it just frustrating,
When you want to know the truth?
But isnt it fun,
When you start the rumours?
I just put a block to everything & everyone.
I will never properly reveal myself.
Just keep trying.
Everyone needs to keep trying to find my soul.
Its so hidden behind all my fears,
& inside my mind.
The manipulations.
The lies.
The negative energy.
Never will I open up.
Never will I show my face.
Never will I get figured out.
Just everyone please,
Give up.
& I know what you think you see.
& I know what you think you heard.
& everyone thinks they are always right.
& everyone finally tries to get in my way.
I know what has been released through the walls.
Because the walls talk to me in silence;
Behind all you backs.
& this is the reason for my behaviour.
You think you see me,
But I really dont exist.

Unable to breathe.
Unable to speak.
Unable to hear.
Unable to see.
My hands are choking my own throat;
& my feet are tripping my own body to the ground.
This invisible cage Im locked in,
Has made me a different person.
I appear crazy.
I appear angry.
I appear depressed.
I appear negative.
I appear bitter.
I appear fearful.
I appear in distress.
Whos going to save me now?
Whos going to listen to my screams?
Cause this voice in my head,
Is forcing me to swallow everything;
When my heart wants me to spit everything out.
No place to go.
Nowhere to run to.
Noone to talk to.
I have abandoned myself.
I have abused myself.
I have killed my spirits.
My soul stays trapped in the mirror forever.
Everywhere I turn,
& everything I touch;
Traps me inside my own mind.
It doesnt allow me to think.
It only allows me to fail.
Because this stranger doesnt recognize me anymore.
She ripped me apart.
She fought me to the ground.
She tortured me until I dripped with blood.
She made sure noone was around.
I,
The stranger.
I,
The abuser.
I,
Who trapped myself inside my own head.
I cannot escape my fears anymore.
Because I forced myself to struggle.

Everything is just kept inside
I refuse to allow things to escape
I pressure myself to behave when Im not alone
So I fool people into thinking Im ok
As I appear alone in my room
Every single thought is back in my head
Everything just races fast
Then I end up crying to bed
The mirror is my enemy
I break it as i stare
I know the person's soul
Because she has the same colour as my hair
I try to look for a deep cut in my body
To let all the negativity out
But everything is just closed up inside
I just want everything to be cut out
As my heart pounds
And as my breathing gets faster
As the blood races to my head
They make everything a cluster
Im unable to free everything
Im unable to lose everything
Im unable to forget everything
& Im unable to escape from everything
I just keep everything in
I just keep everything soundless
I just keep everything for me to cry
I just keep everything hopeless
Unable to run away
Unable to hide
Unable to release
My problems inside

Its so hard to breathe when the mind is so occupied
Occupied with only bitterness
The heart has turned cold and squeezed the veins until they snapped
And then the blood pours out of the body
Hyperventilation replaced the calmness of the lungs
And now its harder to breathe
Trembling, shaking;
The heart is trying to keep up
Dizziness, nauseous;
The mind is trying to make it stop
Sweating, numbness;
The body is slowing down
The throat is closing itself,
Like a set of hands squeezing the neck
The lungs had given up,
Like they were crushed with a hammer
Strength has died
Weakness has arrived
There is no more air
There is no more pulse
Is everything on hold
Or is everything stopped forever

My eyes are wide open as a stare at the wall
I feel so heavy inside as i try to concentrate on what i feel
The message i try to express is not sinking in my brain
I cannot control whats controlling me
Im choking in silence and i dont know how to breathe
Without no light, the darkness strangles me
I cant see whats around me
All i know is that my heart is slowly dying
My chest is tight,
My anxiety strikes again
My body is dizzy and i cannot control the air
Now i feel the need to fall forever
I continue to choke on oxygen
Nothing is working
Nothing is going to repair me
My head is throbbing from the fears that wander inside me
My bones crack as i move
My veins pop out as i try to breathe one more time
I have no words to release because each letter keeps choking me
I continue to drown in my tears;
That try to wash away all the pain deep inside me
What i say
What i do
What i hear
What i see
When i move
And how i think is when i stop breathing

The colour red,
Took over all the other colours;
As my anger takes over all emotions.
Like a switch that turns on in my head;
Im suddenly alert at what tends to strike me.
I feels like Ive been hit with a thousand bricks.
It feels like Ive been burned with fire.
It feels like Im choking,
& so I try to grasp for air.
It feels like my heart stops working each time.
It feels like my body collapses all together.
Its at the moment that my mind thinks its ok to allow me to snap;
Allow me to lose my temper.
Im wanting to control myself,
But I keep losing my mind.
I cant find the strength to control myself.
Im guilty of anger.
Im guilty of going off the deep end;
& finally drowning.
I only find my strength when Im strong enough to lose control.
So violent;
The doors I slam.
The things I throw.
The floor that I bang.
My hair that I pull.
My skin that I pierce.
My vioce that I project.
My whole body;
That creates a storm.
Im so full of rage.
Its a nervous heart beat,
Pounding through my chest.
Instead of breathing,
Im gasping for air.
Im unable to relax;
I overreact at each situation.
I feel so trapped inside my body;
Like there is something inside me that wont escape.
Its making me go crazy,
As it controls me.
So hard when I try to calm myself down.
The more I try,
The more outta control I get.
My nerves wont stop shaking.
My heart wont stop pounding.
My mind wont stop racing.
Acting before thinking,
Im physically dangerous.
Thinking before acting,
Im mentally wanting to **** myself.
I wish I knew what to do.
I wish I knew how to deal with everything.
I wish I knew how to control myself.

My anger is rising to the point where i cant breathe
My heart is just pounding hard as i try to escape from myself
The fears and nightmares are what i hate
The tears are running down my face
I wanna run but i know i cant hide
Regrets of shame
Regrets of mistakes
I tried to undo the knots in my own string
I tried to erase what was written out of my mouth
My string was cut
And then i fell overboard
I couldnt erase what i already said
It was permanent
Like a black market that cant disappear
I look at whats inside and try to break what i want to make it go away
Nothing moves
Nothing heals
Nothing changes
Nothing disappears
My forces pulled me to react with no reason
My screams left my throat dry
My strength left my hands weak
The nerves in my body; trembling as i shake
I punched through a wall that i have created
I swam through the puddles that my tears left behind
And now at the end of the tunnel what have I accomplished?
Fighting but i lost
Hiding but im found
Running but im caught
I lost but then i won
And then i regret fighting
I was found but then i found another hiding spot; and then i stayed in the darkness
I regret closing my eyes
I was caught but then i ran faster
I regret going down the wrong path
I felt controlled
I was out of control
I couldnt speak without screaming
I couldnt see without crying
I couldnt breathe without hyperventilating
I couldnt hear without the noises
I screamed
I cried
I hyperventilated
I heard noises
And i couldnt control my actions

I created episodes like you would see on a tv show;
but mine were real
I became crazy like you would see in a thriller movie;
but my moodswings wasnt an act
I cried like you would see a baby in tears;
But i was hurting
I screamed like you would see in a horror film;
But my fears and demons are chasing me
I was out of control like you would see in an action movie
But my actions wouldnt lie
i would be silent like you would see in a mute person;
But my voice wont allow me to speak
I wouldnt listen like you would see a deaf person;
But my ears wont allow me to hear
I couldnt look like you would see a blind person;
But my eyes wouldnt allow me to see
I couldnt breathe like you would see a heart stop;
But my lungs kept me hyperventilating with anxiety
I became distant like you would see miles away;
but i actually disappeared

Undo the anger,
I can't handle the stress anymore
Undo the fears,
I don't want to be scared anymore
Undo the tears; undo the depression; undo the sorrow,
I don't want to cry anymore
Undo the nightmares,
I don't want insomnia anymore
Undo the noise,
I don't want to scream anymore
Undo the pain,
I don't want to feel anymore
Undo the hate
Undo the lies
Undo the haters
Undo the liars
Undo the two-faced
Undo the judging
Undo the talking
Undo the laughing
Undo the ignorance
Undo the selfishness
Undo the heartless
Undo the bitterness
Undo the tension
Undo the drama
It's enough
Undo them in my life

This day was too quick
Too quick for my tears to finish
"Lets go see your mother,"
He said to me
I wasnt stupid
Pretended i was fine, my quiet voice responded "ok"
I knew this was the last day
I knew this was the last night
My heart beating,
I was afraid.
My blood boiling,
I was nervous.
Alive, there she was
But so broken
So fragile
So fair
And then i saw her weakness
There was so little time
A blank page i had to write,
There were no words to express the feeling within me
I kissed her softly
She who was only able to see
She who had limited amounts of breathing
She who was unable to speak
My voice entered her
What do you say to a dying heart?
What do you say to a damaged soul?
What do you do when you have to ****** strength or miracle to give?
I just wanted to feel her pain
Because my pain was too little
Her suffering forced our eyes to stay open;
Wishing God would change his plan
Doctor arrived;
So what does this mean?
And then suddenly everyone but me was in another room
I just forced myself in
And the news that i got shocked me
And the news that i got tortured me
And the news that i got already killed me to be partnered with her soul
But i needed to be prepared to be strong;
Especially for my poor sisters
There was no time for tears
Time was running out
I stayed by her side
Forced to watch her suffer with pain;
It hurt so bad when she was trying to explain just one word
Breathing;
She wasnt breathing normally
I couldnt take it anymore
I knew what was going to happen
But i didnt know when
Stupid me,
I had ran out the door;
Screaming
Crying
Becoming crazy
I just wanted to be alone
Stupid me,
I missed her last goodbye
Her last breath was watched by others and not me
I missed my beautiful angel's breath leave her body
I didnt ****** stay by her side
The time should have been frozen
And i regret it all !
And then those hurtful words from nonno into the telephone;
Telling loved ones,
"Shes GONE"

Never will i talk again
Never will i search again
Never will i trust again
Until i fight myself all over agin
I tried but i couldnt continue
I cried but i couldnt stop
I lied but i couldnt forgive
And as i look in the mirror, im so disgusted
I was betrayed,
I was left behind
I was chasing myself
I was looking for myself
But i just couldnt find myself
I created dark thoughts, and then i became angry
I ran out, and then i wanted to hide
I sat down and then i cried
I closed my eyes, and then i didnt care
I drank, and then i bled
I had open wounds, and then i was dizzy
I fell, then i couldnt get up
I couldnt move, so then i gave up
I just didnt wanna try anymore
Everything i did, went wrong
Everything i touched, needed a repair
Everything i lost, had disappeared
Everything i dreamed, will never come true
Everything i wished, was a waste of time
Everything went wrong with my mistakes
Everything needed a repair because my anger broke it all
Everything disappeared because i pushed it all away
The dreams that wont move, because they had fallen into a permanent sleep
Everything was a waste of time, because it all just wasnt right;
I cant trust myself again

I tried to leave a place that turned dark
A place that i created and the place that blocked out my heart
I tried to change but in the end
I struggled
No room to breathe
No time to see
I got lost inside my own mind and then i made myself bleed
I created bruises that stayed blue
I opened cuts that never closed
I left all the wounds alone to bleed out my hurts
Stitches werent available because i used the string to hold on
I held on tight but it snapped and i fell to the ground
When i fell i broke my bones
New wounds appeared as scars that wouldnt go away
All together i mark up my life
The blood that runs down my body tries to drown me
I try to wash away my pain with my tears
But they only drown me
Im still in bad shape
And i cannot heal the pain
My body is burning from these open wounds
There goes another story without an ending
There goes the blood that continues dripping
I question my mind about what it wants
It replies "you" and i know my heart has no say
I want it all to end
I just want these thoughts out of my head
I wanna run but my legs are weak
I wanna fight but my hands arent moving
I wanna close my eyes and open them to something new
I wanna plug my ears and then unplug them to change the truth
I wanna believe that my heart will repair
I wanna believe that my hurts arent there
But the truth is that my heart is too weak
The truth is that the mind will continue to speak

I learned how to cry by speaking to a mirror
I learned how to drown from depression, and all of my tears
I learned that my nightmares will always be my fears
I learned that anxiety will stay with me for years
I learned from myself; from my mind,  that the darkest room is deep down inside
My mind convinced me; and told me to let go
But my heart had the final decision to say no
The convincer’s job is to steal weakness,
But the decision maker’s job is to be the strongest

My eyes were made to see, but seduction distracted me
My lips were made to speak, but your kiss ignored me
my body was made to reach, but your hands kept wandering

Your eyes were made to ****** me, and not to see
Your lips were made to kiss me, and not to speak
Your ears were made to hear my screams, and not to hear anything else
Your hands were made to touch me, and not touch anything else

The wall was made to hold me up, when you throw me against it
The floor was made to catch my clothes, when you strip them off of me
The bed was made to hold me, when you roughly make love to me

They dont release themselves from my mind.
The good ones,
The bad ones;
Both force tears out of my eyes.
& when I used to wish;
I couldnt wait to be older,
Now I wish,
That I had stayed younger.
Flashbacks never fail.
Faces never disappear.
The whispers inside my head never stop.
I can & never will move forward in my life.
The walls are movie theatres;
Everywhere I turn,
Something is playing from the past.
The floors are ice;
I fall for every mistake I've made.
I release so much anger.
I release so much guilt.
I release so much confusion.
& I keep connecting with the past.
& I keep disconnecting with the present.
& I keep fearing the future.
I want to undo this pain;
To reconnect with myself again.
But my mind is in one spot.
Im unable to continue.
I cannot move forward.

I felt restless, anxious, stressed, & weak
My body felt stiff & held up a guard to protect me
I always looked out for myself; from one particular enemy
I tried chasing it away, but then it returned
I had frequent visits; inside the mirror, during the day, & in my sleep
Insomnia always striked me
I wanted peace, but I always feared the darkness
The darkness inside
The darkness in my nightmares
The darkness all around
I was looking for a solution to make myself leave; to make my mind get squeezed; to make my body at ease
So then I tried to replace these hallucinations with alcohol, then I drowned
Tried to replace this depression with a razor, then I bled out
Tried to replace this anxiety by constantly staying up all night, then my body gave out
I tried to replace this mind by looking for a cure from myself,
Then when I saw that it was too late; I was already broken,
Nothing was able to save me; my last resort was the milligrams from a fake candy
It was supposed to tranquilize this mind,
Freeze this brain,
& calm these nerves
But not even a pill was strong enough to fight against my invisible twin

I took a break from that sugarless candy,
The one that makes my mind sane
I was calm but triggered at the same time so it was time for me to quit
It happened, that I broke down again
A mental breakdown that was at its worst
My uncontrollable emotions made me scream like I learned a new tone
My body wouldn’t stop moving from the demands my brain was signalling between my bones
My heart felt all the abuse
And my whole body was breaking
I felt like something took over me, I was a different person
Out of control and crazy; my actions came before thinking
I felt like all these years my mind came back with revenge from being tamed
It was like I had all the symptoms starting from the beginning as if I was clueless;
Back to square one, where I didn’t recognize who I was anymore

The anxiety was too intense
My chest was too tight; with cramping
Then I forgot how to breathe
I was out of control with every small trigger
The darkness mind had woken, though I thought it was dead
Only sleeping, waiting for an opportunity that always was waiting for me to give up once again
My screams made me deaf
My actions made me scared
I had days that I was unmedicated
And those days were the best I’ve ever had;
loving the symptoms of a broken, crazy person

After some time, my mind cooperated after I broke
I took the pill again, but at a higher dose
It created another problem, that I had absolutely no control
The anxiety was at its worse once I began taking the pill
Felt like it was doing more harm; I wanted to feel normal without those milligrams
I felt my heart beat at its fastest
And then my chest started cramping all over again
I felt so sick to my stomach;
Enough that food was forbidden; to stop eating
A few days, my body was empty
Anxiety was in control; demanding my body go unnourished
I saw nothing but evil
That’s when I wanted to break each mirror I looked in
Cause deep down I couldn’t save myself all over again
Deep down I didn’t want to save myself and make the darkness end
I hated the dizziness, while I loved it
The feeling of being drunk, but I never had a sip
I endured a great weakness inside
Physically I felt something that I was forced to hide
I looked at my face, my skin, and body
I looked at my tears; the salted water that had me drowning

I was going back to how I was;
The silent stranger that he once helped me escape from
This is round two of a dangerous breakdown
He came to my rescue again from all my demons
It was the exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful

I had my days of emptiness;
Those moments of anger & anxiety
I had my hours of darkness;
Those moments of loneliness & fear
I had my minutes of sadness;
Those moments of drowning in my tears
I had my seconds of moodswings;
Those moments when I lost all control

I was at my highest of losing control, my body became so exhausted
Like a toddler having a tantrum, I didn’t care who I disturbed, who I hurt, how I sounded, and how I looked
My heart made an entrance; but weak
It finally warmed me up, but I still wasn’t free
With the lack of food, It was hard to laugh; so my muscles were weak
My chest was tight, and it was hard to breathe
As I tried to speak, it was an unrecognizable hoarseness from the screams that took over my vocal chords
I knew my body was weak
I knew my mind failed me all over again
The exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful
I did it one last time just to feel the pain from the inside out
I suddenly had a calm breath that stopped me
Then I finally realized, this shouldn’t be me

I couldnt plug my ears when the truth came into my mind
Thats when my heart was getting weak and then suddenly, i cried
The days grew heavy just like the hearts that wouldnt stay together
The pouring rain was from my eyes and wasnt from the weather
In shock i couldnt breathe
My dizziness just brought me to my knees
The pain that i needed to fall
I knew this time i lost it all
All i had and all i looked up to
All i looked at and all i spoke to
All i loved and all i followed
Was all i saw that left me in sorrow
Anxiety worsened
Hyperventilation tried to chase you
Anger erased all the happiness within me
And depression created invisible stairs
To me there was no time
The clock wasnt allowed to speak
I curse the day you were taken
I just wanted to be the one who lay peacefully
I stayed inside and closed my door
With force, i cried in silent
With rage & violence, i needed to be tamed
It was the moments i wanted the harm to be quiet
I gathered my thoughts
I gathered my tears
I gathered my memories for the time you painfully disappeared

Whos safe in our hearts, is not always safe for our spirits
Whos safe in our dreams, is not always safe in our nightmares
Whos safe in a photo, is not always safe in our memories
Whos safe in our brains, is not always safe in our minds
They are safe on the other side, but not safe for our health
They are safe above, but not safe for our life
They are safe in our hearts, but now safe in our tears
They were safe being close to us, but its not safe for our sanity is they forever disappeared

I was taken advantage of.
I am now fallen apart.
Cant focus
Cant think.
Cant speak.
My head pounds as I think.
My throat hurts as I speak.
And my heart slows down while I try to breathe.
Im just certain that my strength has been ****** out;
& I was injected with weakness.
I feel like my bones have been filed down to dust;
& that my skin has turned its colour.
Im feeling so weird.
Im not myself anymore.
My mind cant hold anymore information;
So everything is escaping,
And Im choking on all the letters when I try to make words as I try to speak.
My body is shaking,
Because I cant hold myself up anymore.
& everytime I walk,
I fall to the ground.
Im slowly breaking.
Im slowly falling apart;
Because I have lost all my strength.
Noone can save me now.
Noone can fix me now.
Everytime I look in the mirror,
I ask "why have you lost your strength?"
I get a reply saying "you've done it to yourself."

Sometimes a cut hurts your body more than a bruise; it actually brings on that past we werent allowed to choose
Sometimes the past hurts your body more than physical pain; it actually brings on that migraine that wont go away
Sometimes a migraine hurts your body more than a pain in your gut; it actually brings on that blood from a cut
A cut is deeper than how it starts;
Its the past, the present, and turns into a scar

I see everything, but my eyes are closed
I hear every rumour, but my ears are plugged
I screamed really loud, but my lungs are collapsed
I breathed every breath, but my heart had stopped
I felt every touch, but i was so numb

My eyes had opened, and i saw only darkness
My ears were unplugged, and i only heard white noise
My lungs were healed, but i was unable to speak
My heart began pumping, but i couldnt breathe
My body had feeling, but i felt nothing

Everything i chewed,
And everything i swallowed,
Didn't stay inside my system because it made me so nauseous
I choked on the flashbacks that strangled my throat
I choked on the memories that i just couldnt throw
But then i threw up everything except my memories and hurts
I wanted to fight it
But i had to hold on
I had to just rescue myself from being under
I just wanted to breathe it all in;
Take what i wasnt allowed to have
I stole my freedom, then locked myself away
I stole my strength that wasnt allowed to stay
I tried to get rid of my weakness but i swallowed fear
I tried to get rid of my nightmares but they would always appear
My mind breathes while my body shuts down
My mind breathes while i fall to the ground
I wanted to replace everything that harmed me
But then that means i would replace my soul, spirit and body

Suddenly hit from inside my body;
My heart pounds hard
It bangs on the walls of my skin;
It bangs on my lungs while i try to breathe slower
The vibration makes my blood boil
Then my veins are shaken up
I cannot control my nerves
I cannot control my lungs
I cannot control my heart
I cannot control anything at all
Its so hard to breathe when the fighting is difficult
Im fighting to stay calm
Im fighting to bring back my strength
But all i feel is weakness
All i feel is pain
Breathing without air;
I choke
Speaking without a voice;
Im silenced
Hyperventilation has lead me to dizziness
Im feeling numbness within my body
Screaming has lead me to harm my throat
Im feeling limited on what i have to express
I cant move
I cant think
I cant rely on myself anymore for anything
I cant see
I cant hear
I cant make nightmares disappear
I cant speak
I cant breathe
I cant get rid of my fears that are inside of me

I became numb because i felt every pain
I became deaf because i heard every lie
I became blind because i saw all the darkness
I became mute because i screamed at all my fears
I couldnt breathe because i started to choke
I felt every pain because i wanted to bleed
I heard every lie because i searched for the truth
I saw the darkness because i tried to find the light
I screamed at my fears because i begged them to disappear
I choked because my hands were around my throat
I wanted to bleed so i could feel what relief was
I wanted the truth because i couldnt trust myself
I wanted the light so i woulnt be so scared
I wanted my fears to disappear because i was my own enemy
I wanted my hands to squeeze everything out of me
I bled but im still not at peace
I found the truth but i still cant trust myself
I found the light but im still scared
I got rid of my fears but im still my own enemy
My hands put an end to harm but everything is still growing inside me

I turned my back so the mirror wouldnt break me
I kept my eyes open so i wouldnt see my fears
I put the alcohol away so the memories fade
I put the light on so i wouldnt have nightmares
I put the chains in front of my arms so i stop the bad habit of harm
I put a stop sign in front of my eyes so i wouldnt go through the darkness
I opened my door so i would be set free
I put a question mark in front of my mind so i find out all the answers
I faced the mirror and it shattered to pieces
I opened my eyes and i saw what fears me
I filled up the glass and kept the bottles near
I turned off the light and then my hopes & dreams disappeared
I broke through the chains and grabbed a razor
I kicked the stop sign and lost all the light
I locked my door so i would be trapped inside
I erased the question mark because ill never be able to answer to myself

I fell for my lies and i couldnt catch myself
As i fell to the ground, i broke all my strength
The bed that held me went invisible towards me
When i sleep, all i have is nightmares;
The pillow just ignores me
When i hide myself from my fears,
The blanket tries to strangle me
I had to search comfort another way
As i try to go through the door, it slams shut in front of me
I try to open it, but i locked myself in with no key
As i walk through the mirrors of my broken image,
I fall between the floors
It collapsed and then thats when my legs had been broken
I had to find another path to take
As i go down the stairs, the railing ignores me
I was too weak when i needed to grab on, but now even weaker when the stairs throw me down to the floor
As i lay here broken, my heart is actually in pieces
As i lay here weak, my mind actually lost its strength
As i lay here with fear, my body is shaking
As i lay here crying, nothing can stop these tears from falling