I turned my back so the mirror wouldnt break me
I kept my eyes open so i wouldnt see my fears
I put the alcohol away so the memories fade
I put the light on so i wouldnt have nightmares
I put the chains in front of my arms so i stop the bad habit of harm
I put a stop sign in front of my eyes so i wouldnt go through the darkness
I opened my door so i would be set free
I put a question mark in front of my mind so i find out all the answers
I faced the mirror and it shattered to pieces
I opened my eyes and i saw what fears me
I filled up the glass and kept the bottles near
I turned off the light and then my hopes & dreams disappeared
I broke through the chains and grabbed a razor
I kicked the stop sign and lost all the light
I locked my door so i would be trapped inside
I erased the question mark because ill never be able to answer to myself

Suddenly hit from inside my body;
My heart pounds hard
It bangs on the walls of my skin;
It bangs on my lungs while i try to breathe slower
The vibration makes my blood boil
Then my veins are shaken up
I cannot control my nerves
I cannot control my lungs
I cannot control my heart
I cannot control anything at all
Its so hard to breathe when the fighting is difficult
Im fighting to stay calm
Im fighting to bring back my strength
But all i feel is weakness
All i feel is pain
Breathing without air;
I choke
Speaking without a voice;
Im silenced
Hyperventilation has lead me to dizziness
Im feeling numbness within my body
Screaming has lead me to harm my throat
Im feeling limited on what i have to express
I cant move
I cant think
I cant rely on myself anymore for anything
I cant see
I cant hear
I cant make nightmares disappear
I cant speak
I cant breathe
I cant get rid of my fears that are inside of me

Missing something so much I want it back;
Selfishness took over in the nicest way, but in the cruelest way.
The grip my hands slipped away years ago,
and I learned to grip onto dangerous things to make me survive through the darkness
The darkness of my fears, nightmares, and anxiety
Missing to be sane so much I need it back;
Selfishness took over in a way that I became cruel
I slipped away from the dangerous things,
but then I didn’t survive through the light
Something wasn’t missed;
Someone was missed
Hidden somewhere deep inside my body, till this day I can’t get her out
My voice was heard, but not listened to
I screamed at the mirror; only to be shattered
I never made friends with the one person that was supposed to be important
I only used my body as a canvas,
painting only with red paint from a liquid that was waiting to be released from under my skin
I created all the cuts, and all the scars
I bandaged if all up with distractions to make me believe I was ok
But after I created a puddle full of tears,
I drowned in my own mistakes

Everything i chewed,
And everything i swallowed,
Didn't stay inside my system because it made me so nauseous
I choked on the flashbacks that strangled my throat
I choked on the memories that i just couldnt throw
But then i threw up everything except my memories and hurts
I wanted to fight it
But i had to hold on
I had to just rescue myself from being under
I just wanted to breathe it all in;
Take what i wasnt allowed to have
I stole my freedom, then locked myself away
I stole my strength that wasnt allowed to stay
I tried to get rid of my weakness but i swallowed fear
I tried to get rid of my nightmares but they would always appear
My mind breathes while my body shuts down
My mind breathes while i fall to the ground
I wanted to replace everything that harmed me
But then that means i would replace my soul, spirit and body

What didnt touch me, harmed me
What touched me, i didnt push away
My friends were the weapons;
It was the mind that made me bleed
The bruises never failed
The pain always existed
The scrapes were visible
The cuts kept opening up
They say the sticks and stones break you
Its a lie because i played
The names and memories are the ones that hurt you
Its true because i finished the game
My tears didnt get made from physical harm
I drowned from unexplainable hurts
Memories never fade
Images never run away
Lost and never found
My mind had escaped
Harmed without being touched;
I looked through the past
And had nightmares of the present
And now im trying to survive the future
Sticks and stones never bothered me
Knives and weapons always helped me
Alcohol would be relaxing to me
But now the mind inside still has a hold on me
My bones didnt break but my heart was the one that broke
My brain didnt get damaged but my mind was the one that got ruined
My skin didnt peel but my strength was the one that was peeling off me
My body didnt collapse but my soul collapsed and took off from me

I cannot breathe
I cannot move
And im frozen in shock
Im in shock from the pain
Theres a path i was forced to take
Now the path is broken but i still made the mistake
It broke when i started
Now im near the end
I cannot go back
I cannot start again
I always felt like giving up
I was always close
Close enough to scare people
The feeling of finally breathing;
But hyperventilated to the floor
When i was struck,
When i was down,
The tears drowned me as they burned my wounds
My opened wounds, i couldnt leave
I just kept them covered and thought this was so normal
I just shut everyone out
And the only person i was allowed to listen to was myself
Then it all became worse
I couldnt break free
I was trapped in my own head, into my own body
I finally got the hang of it;
Knowing who to listen to and knowing who to ignore
I forced to choose all the wrongs
When i was supposed to learn all the rights
I was my own bad influence
But i wanted this;
I needed this
I was so convinced that i was fine on my own
In the end i begged not to be alone with myself
Each night i cried
Each night i struggled
Each night i just couldnt sleep
I was my own nightmare that i wanted to wake up from
But it never stopped
I just wanted it to stop
Behind closed doors i wanted to scream
But when the door was open,
I would just be silenced
People questioned
People wondered
People were so concerned
And i just ran away from the advices that i ignored
I tried to listen but the i suddenly couldnt here
I went deaf;
It wanted me deaf
And then i was so lost
It was so hard
So hard to allow my voice to travel
And it was like i always wanted to get myself in trouble
As i stared into the mirror, i watched me with hate
I knew i had an enemy
I knew it would always stay
I watched myself cry
But i didnt feel the same
I watched myself fight
But i never won
I watched myself be alone
But i never wanted anyone
I watched myself turn
And i never went back
I watched myself break
And the pieces were never found

I remembered the past,
because im living in fear
I remembered the pain,
because i dealt with it for years
I remembered the blade,
because i opened the cuts
I remembered being dizzy,
because i drowned in my blood
I remembered being weak,
because i stole my own strength
I remembered my heart,
because it shattered while i broke
I remembered my tears,
because my mind had me controlled

Thank you for teaching me how to walk;
now i know why you followed me
Thank you for teaching me how to run;
now i know why you chased me
Thank you for teaching me how to scream;
now i know why you scared me
Thank you for teaching me how to cry;
now i know why you tortured me
Thank you for teaching me how to bleed;
now i know why you cut me
Thank you for teaching me how to gasp for air;
Now i know why you gave me anxiety
A mind is a crooked teacher in disguise.
It appears at every episode of struggle
It appears at every episode to make sure you remain weak
It takes away your strengths and feeds you with weakness
It robs you of learning to build a relationship with yourself, so it becomes your enemy

Im liking my nightmares
and loving the darkness
Im hating my dreams
and im despising the light
Im liking my fears
and loving the horror
Im hating the happiness
and im despising the excitement
Im liking every sad moment
Im loving every angry episode
Im loving every negative thought,
Because my mind taught me what the brain was told

I lit the candles for them to turn off the lights;
& leave us calm in the darkness
I felt his cold hands waiting to get warm underneath my clothes
Just as the floor catches my outfit,
Im being clothed by his body;
as my hips became attached to his
His mouth covered mine
Then I felt his tongue wander
A shower made from his lips to my body,
he drenched me from top to bottom
As I waited patiently,
Wanting for him to shake my insides;
I suddenly couldn’t move anymore
But I didn’t want to move anymore
I had handcuffs that were made of skin
He locked himself to me;
then finally slipped himself in

He allowed his hands to wander all over my body;
Unzipping every zipper, and unbuttoning every button
The cloth that was on my skin came off
as his lips replaced what covered me
His tongue drew new clothes all over me
The excitement was real; I lost my breath
I was covered with saliva sweat
I heard my heart beating faster;
when his head got lower
Then he suddenly stopped
My heart also stopped;
He purposely made me wait
First he wanted to secure my arms,
and then my legs
I felt my wrists get shackled
I felt my ankles get shackled
He came closer
His lips pierced me harder
Then he made the handcuffs tighter
I felt that moment I was waiting for
His body, his energy
His strength; him ******* me
I couldn’t move;
thats how he wanted me
Made sure I wouldn’t move
Made sure he can hear me scream

Im smirking
Im smiling
Im giggling
Im laughing
Im finally on the floor
Laughing in tears
People dont know why
People dont know how
People dont know what
Why I laugh
& what Im laughing at
I refuse to tell
I refuse to reveal
I refuse to whisper
Im too quiet
Im stay to myself
But I keep laughing
& people question,
But I refuse to answer
Yet in the end Im not revealing because
The smile is really a frown that people see upside down
The laugh is really cries
The tears are from depression
Not tears of joy
& Im on the floor because I cannot handle these problems anymore

There was an ocean with hidden secrets; hidden spells,
Hidden danger;
Created with great strength from her tentacles
A human octopus with an evil face,
They called her the Sea Witch
Her ugliness craved the beauty of a mermaid with a naive heart
So the human with fins had fire hair which was red
Crystal eyes, which was blue
Soft skin, which was fair
But jewelled lips, which was ruby
A witch craved what she was never allowed to have
But a witch manipulates when she knows noone can fight back
Under the sea, inside a cave, Under the darkness is where she stayed
She got her attention;
Her voice left her body forcefully
Inside a shell it was kept protected
The treasure was a mouth from the voice of a royal fish
The one that was forbidden; but was stolen for evil’s benefit
She forced her to sing, for her to have legs
That voice went inside a shell; and on a necklace to be worn the next day
Then for a disguise, she was transformed herself into a beautiful girl
The voice she saved had been passed off as her own, making a princess mute;
A witch’s plan had been created

Knowing eachother's likes
Our gifts is a way to surprise
Together watching movies
We use that time to just embrace
When we shut off the lights,
And light a candle
We breathe air into one another's body like we breathe in the smell from the light
The light that shines, goes through us as we stare into eachother's eyes
Our hands always held without letting go
We would be lost without eachother if our love ever broke
A kiss is so soft, so tender, so meaningful with excitement
The hug is a shield; blocking the wind, keeping in warmth, and used as a protection
A bed that holds us
And our strength that bonds us;
Its passionate and sweet,
When our clothes come off easily
Kisses are passionate
Hugs are so strong
Our love is so true and it is where it belongs
Its not about giving gifts
Its about giving ourselves to eachother
Its not about spending money
Its about spending time with your lover
Its not only a hug, its a reach for a wanted touch
Its not only making out, its a passionate kiss for our hearts to beat as one
Its not about make up, shaving or dressing up,
Its not only ***, its about making love
This day has meaning
It means alot
But this day never dies
Everyday is about love


*dedicated to my amazing husband Danny
Valentines never existed in my world before i met u
love u so much

Like a bat in the night,
Your unable to rest your eyes.
& you charge into my room as a thunderstorm begins.
Your wings make you fly over top of me.
Its the force of your mind,
That pushes yourself onto my body.
I can already tell your twisted;
I am your first & only victim.
& your eyes try to hypnotize.
As Im forced to look deep inside you,
Im falling under your spell.
Your crazy; but gorgeous eyes weaken me.
Your hands,
So strong.
They slowly tighten me;
Making it hard for me to move.
I know that your never gonna leave,
Until you get what you want.
My ears are suddenly ringing from your whispers.
My mind is filled with your naughty thoughts.
& so you told me your lips were dry;
& so you told me I will quench your thirst.
& with a naked neck on my body,
You slowly moved your mouth towards me.
It was slow,
But the stabbing was so quick.
Your teeth were like thorns;
So sharp,
So controlled.
& suddenly I felt pressure.
Im hyperventilating;
Trying to breathe,
But its so hard.
By body,
Shaking.
My body,
Dizzy.
My body,
Slowly fainting.
& with my blood flowing to the floor like a river,
You finally got a hold on me,
& wont let go.
You stabbed me with your pointed teeth.
You stabbed me hard.
Your bite was like a snake;
& your poison released my blood.
I am now in your hands.
& after I faint,
You can finally take advantage.

How do i hide if im being chased?
How do i hide if im being found?
How do i escape if i end up in chains?
Im so afraid
Im being threatened
And i believe it all because all this negativity wont give up
Im being pointed at
Im being laughed at
Im being bullied
Im being tortured
Im being abused
Im being used
And then i appear stupid
Because i do as im told
Who is this person trying to boss me around?
Who is this person throwing me to the ground?
Im being drained
My strength was stolen and now im so broken
In pieces i shatter;
On the floor torn apart,
The only thing in one piece is my weak heart
Now the heart bleeds
Im crying with blood
Im drowning in a puddle
Im drowning my fears
These new moods
These new emotions
Were made for me to change
These new breathing patterns
These new cuts
Were made to show that im crazy
My head is being squeezed from my own hands
Because i know whos behind it all
I am a victim of my own mind

When the darkness takes over the soul
Its a struggle to fight back
Then the bitterness approaches
And then i had to attack
My fears
My thoughts
My anger
My tears
The rage within me
The pain within me
I cannot stop now
Overpowering the spirit
The light inside me has closed
Controlling of the mind
Then the darkness opens a door
Crooked heart
Crooked soul
My shadow wants to escape
Crooked mind
Crooked personality
My soul is buried away
Twisted weakness
A strength with only a force
Evil lies inside a spell
Making my blood pour
Releasing tension,
My body is just broken
Releasing anger,
My screams has spoken
Releasing violence,
My strength has taken over me
Releasing tears,
My heart is bleeding
Difficult to function
And when i try, i make mistakes
Difficult to be calm
And when i try, i end up screaming
Difficult to talk to everyone
And when i try, i burn with anger
Difficult to be stable
And when i try, my moods keep changing
Difficult to be still
And when i try, i end up hurting
Difficult to change
And when i try, im start all over again

Struggling,
Trying to break loose.
Fighting,
I just want to **** you.
I can see you have a hold on me.
I can see you like to control me.
I can see you let me make mistakes.
You make me turn my back on everything.
& because I was connected,
You disconnected me.
You make me hide,
When Im supposed to be visible.
You make me scared,
When I want to be brave.
& when I hyperventilate,
Its because you force the anxiety towards me.
& when I cry,
Its because you keep the past a remembrance to me;
You keep me from getting through the present,
You make the future unknown.
You have me like a dog on a leash,
Unable to escape.
You have me like a prisoner,
Locked inside a box,
With no air to breathe,
& no light to see.
You have brought tension to my muscles.
You kicked out all the happiness that was around my body;
So you let in sadness & anger,
That fail to leave me.
& like a thousand cuts you made me open on my skin,
The abuse will never fade away.
I notice the hairs on my arms & legs;
That fall from my body,
So you have let in stress in my life.
You made me forget who I am;
& what its like to love myself.
With the red heart you turned black,
You turned me negative;
Made me see that theres no hope for anything,
& everything you make me do is wrong.
You let me make wrong decisions.
You allow me to fail;
Not only a failure to myself,
But a failure to family & friends.
I appear mentally weak,
Because you through away all the strength I had.
You make me see things others couldn't.
You make me think things that was beyond from what they really were.
You made everything fake,
So you can laugh at whats real.
You showed me that everything was bad,
So you can hide all the goodness.
You brainwashed me,
So you can hide all the truth.
You held me back,
When positivity was coming forward.
You made me see a stranger in the mirror.
A stranger that can never change.
Every step I try to put forward,
You take me ten steps back.
You throw nightmares at night;
When I want to daydream,
You make me fake a smile,
When I know Im supposed to frown.
When I try to think,
You block everything out.
When I try to listen,
You shut everything out.
When I try to speak,
You keep me mute.
When I try to breathe,
You make me suffocate.
Its hard to notice whats going on,
When you keep me in one spot.
Always at your attention,
You force me to obey you.
When I see the good,
You put bad in front of my eyes.
Im always wanting to explain the issue,
But you make me stutter.
You make me naïve,
So I fall in every trap you set.
You pressure me to think that my problems will never go away.
You made me blind,
When I could have seen.
Im facing the inside of my body,
Because you turned me inside out.
I keep myself cooped up inside,
Because you hold the door shut when I want to get out.
You force me to overreact without thinking.
Always yelling & screaming,
Because you force me to have great rage.
I just wonder why I can never ignore.
I just wonder why I always obey you.
You failed me.
You changed me.
Your the devil.
Your the dark side.
Your the voice thats in my head.
The voice that I know I can never escape from.
I am now a danger to myself.

Your unexpected touch held my body so close to yours
You wouldnt let go but I never struggled
The kiss that you placed on me was followed by a bite that made me bleed
I never backed away because I wanted you to keep seducing me
You unbuttoned  me as i was thrown on the bed
You unzipped me as you lowered your head
I lay there watching your clothes come off
Then the bed intended as you climbed on top
I finally felt my wrists burning from the tightness of your hands
But I didnt want to break free from the trap that you had planned

I feel so tired
Tired of trying to win
Im fighting a battle against myself
And i should just give up
Im slipping through the cracks that i made with my force
My anger broke down what was trying to protect me
I cant breathe; it feels like im suffocating
Im inside a box with no holes and i need to get air
I blocked every escape i had that was open
They closed up and locked me out
I can never get out, even though i created the locks
The keys are locked away somewhere inside my head
Im so tired of searching
Searching for all these answers
My questions just cannot be answered
I tried, and then i failed
I failed a test that i was forced to cheat on; & then i disqualified myself from life
I tried not to get hurt but my mind was the weapon
I bled from the inside out without a shield for protection against myself
In the darkness i was blind to fight
There was no light for my freedom to hide
It all came at me at once
I wasnt ready to fail from my own soul
Once it started, it just didnt stop
I had no time to breathe
I had no chance to speak
Fighting the fears
But i ran away
Fighting the lies
But i was naive
Fighting the darkness
But then i couldnt sleep
Fighting the pain
But then i bleed
Fighting the emotions
But then i cry
Fighting the emotions
But then i wanna hide
Fighting the emotions
But then i become angry
Fighting the emotions
But then its overwhelming
Fighting the emotions
But then i become anxious
Fighting the emotions
But then become hypertension
Fighting the emotions
But then i become lost
Fighting the emotions
But then i give up

Ive damaged myself.
Ive abused myself.
& now I walk to a place so I can just drop to the floor.
I just wanna forget everything.
I just wanna close my eyes forever.
Everyday Im drinking *******.
Everyday Im drinking pollution.
Everyday Im drinking poison.
& I cannot stay sober anymore.
Im just drunk on life.
My head is spinning;
& I just continue to be dizzy,
Because Im unable to control myself.
Ive turned so crazy;
Mentally;
Im an invisible alcoholic.
But only Im drunk with problems.
I was sober until I inhaled so much drama.
& now I just cant stop falling over.
Im so confused;
& I dont know where to turn.
Because Im just turning in circles;
& I just end up right back where I started.
How do I stop?
I just want to stop being controlled.
I wanna just be sober again.
But my mind is not letting me throw everything up.
I wanna just spit everything out.
I wanna puke everything up.
Because Im mentally sick inside.
& It got me drunk.
So drunk,
I dont know what Im doing anymore.
So drunk,
I cannot think anymore.
So drunk,
I cannot recognize anymore.
I keep falling.
I keep breaking down.
Im just acting up.
I want everything to just stop.
My body is slowly losing strength;
Because Im so drunk on life.
Im so unfocused,
Im so confused.
My mind suddenly gave up on me;
Because its somewhere else,
While my body is visible.
Ive given up on so much,
& Ive given up on myself.
Because I let the problems take advantage of me.
So tired.
So warn out.
I finally just drop to the floor.
I cannot handle it anymore.
Life has drained me inside;
& filled me with invisible alcohol.
& its too much,
That Im so sick.
But I just cant throw anything up.
Because all the problems are continuously damaging my body inside.
So I finally realized,
That nothing can stop this drama from damaging me.
So forever my body,
Forever my soul,
Forever my nightmares,
Forever I will be..
Wasted.

Every breath was wasted on anxiety
Every breath was wasted on fear
Every breath was wasted on depression
The anxiety is used to hyperventilate
The fear suddenly stopped the heart
The depression turned the air into tears
Hyperventilation speeds up
The heart turned cold
Tears drown the body
The body breaks into a million pieces
Unable to put the puzzles back together
It fades itself
Invisibility takes its place as a ghost to everyone
So the body finally disappears
The wind replaces the breath
Breath was wasted on negativity

I held on to memories that will never fade away
I squeeze my eyes tight thinking it will all go away
The water from my eyes burn my wounds but i dont care
It burns even more when i think into the past
And these scars will always be visible
I feel my heart pounding
As i see myself drowning
I feel my head spinning
As i see myself falling
I feel myself breaking
As i see myself bleeding
I couldnt hold on any longer
I just slipped away
And with the visions of my nightmares, i just want to lose sight
My eyes are blurry and i choose not to see
I always hoped when they open, everything would go back to normal
But its like a waterfall; pouring all over me
Im drenched and cold from the liquid that takes over me
The drops that fell on the floor for me to slip and fall
The puddles that were made for me to ignore a reflection
The ocean that i was forced to swim in, but then i drowned
I took the drops and i made the puddles
I took the puddles and i made an ocean
And when i drowned, was when i couldnt take no more
The memories of pain
The memories of suffering
The memories of remembering
It is the time of struggling
I couldnt see no more
The water took my sight
My face is all numb from wiping away the tears
And i could hardly breathe;
I choked and then i was never able to fight my fears
I couldnt see what was in front of me
I only saw what was within me
I forgot how everything looked around me
I only knew that i could never be set free
Did you ever cry so much that it burned?
Did you ever cry so much that it hurt?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt breathe?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt see?

I never understood why i couldnt get up
I never understood why i had no strength
I was knocked down by an invisible force, waiting for me to break
And i did break
I broke into pieces
There was no sand to protect me
Just rocks & glass that pierced through me
The sun burned me and left me with darkness until I drowned
Drowned from a rain so cold;
As i constantly hit ground
Again and again i tore open my scars
I bleed with no ending
My stitches turned to dust
I was shaken so much that my head lost reality
I became abnormal and then i went into a dark world
My mind left me insane;
I felt the cold liquid again
My body all drenched with the force once again
I felt that water through me again
And then i find myself fighting..
Its so unknown when i try to think
My mind gets blanked out
Its so unknown when i try to speak
My throat chokes me
Its so unknown when i try to listen
My ears get plugged
Its so unknown when i try to see
My eyes are shut tight
Its so unknown when i try to breathe
Im drowning now

My feet are burnt but not from the ground
I walked on fire that i started down below
My body is hot but not from the sun
I covered my body with a blanket to hide my scars
My hair is moving but not from the wind
Its being pulled from the hands thats attached to my body
I hear voices and its not the seashells
Im talking harshly to myself inside my head
I cannot see but the dust is innocent
Im covering my eyes so i wont have to see the truth
I cannot breathe but its not the humidity
Im hyperventilating because of my fears
I hide, and its not behind the rocks
I disappear from the reflection in the water who tries to find me
Im bleeding but not from broken glass
I unleash my liquid with purpose and open the cuts of sorrow
Im thirsty but not for water
I want the hydration from the strength that im lacking deep inside
Im tired but not from nature
My heart is pounding from my body that was turned inside out
I feel the splashes and its not the water
My tears are the waves that blind me when im knocked down

My strength has left me
Now the weakness is destroying me
I wish i can turn back time
Now im struggling
Im not strong enough to fight
If i do,
I know ill die
As i walk, i fall
As i speak, i mumble
As i see, its blurry
As i listen, its too silent
As i breathe, i choke
As i hold on, i slip
Everything escapes me
The mirror shatters me
My shadow leaves me
My mind is the only strong one
Its what makes me weak
Its what makes me fail
I cant even carry air
Im so drained
I have nothing left
All my energy was wasted on *******
And now my mind carries me
It drags me
Im unable to break free from these chains

Its the weight of the world that brought me to the ground.
Its the things around me that took away my ability to balance.
But most of all its my mind that took away my strength.
Unable to focus.
Unable to move.
Im mentally exhausted from the past & the present.
The future will erase my energy forever.
The forces are ******* my strength right out of me.
Im unable to control everything around me.
My body feels like its going to break,
& I feel so lightheaded.
& its like a disease Im unable to fight off.
A disease Im unable to control.
It will slowly take me away.
It will slowly break me down into pieces.
It will rip my strength out of my body.
Everytime I try to walk,
Im falling.
Everytime I try to see,
Im blinded.
Everytime I try to hear,
Im deaf.
Everytime I try to talk;
Try to breathe,
Im suffocating.
Everytime I try to touch,
Im numb.
Everytime I try to think,
My brain freezes.
I feel as though my body is being squeezed;
With my blood dripping all over the floor;
The puddles just waiting for me to drown inside my own liquid.
I have no strength for anything anymore.
I have no energy for anything anymore.
I have no patience for anything anymore.
I have given up.
My weakness came alive,
& killed all my strength.

The strength has been forced to escape through my fears
And now it replaced itself with weakness
I bent myself the wrong way and now im broken
I twisted too far and now im fractured
I jumped too high and now i cant walk
I threw myself and now im shattered
I picked up my pieces but nothing matches
When i try to find my strength, its already hiding from me
When i try to lose my weakness, its already fighting me
I realized i did it all
I made it all disappear
I broke the rules
I escaped from safety
I ignored who spoke to me
I tried to ignore my broken dreams
I drank all the poison
I created my own scars
I made my own cuts
And i went too far
I tried to get up while my legs were numb
I tried to speak while my mouth was closed
I tried to see while my eyes were shut
I tried to hear while my ears were plugged
I tried to breathe while my lungs were collapsed
I tried to think while my mind blocked me from it all

In the middle of it all;
Im unable to break through.
Ive been pierced deeply,
& Ive learned how to bleed.
Its tight around my body;
& Im squeezed so hard.
Like Im in my own web that Ive created for myself;
Because Im so trapped.
Im unable to breathe;
Because the thorns are so sharp,
As they pierce me deeply.
Im just slowly losing blood;
Im just slowly losing myself.
Cant move.
Cant scream.
Cant escape.
My veins slowly split into pieces;
& my bones suddenly crack in half.
Im torn apart;
As my heart breaks apart from my body.
Im spinning fast.
Its getting me dizzy.
Its getting me dripping.
& soon Im going to drown in my own blood.
They are too deep inside my skin.
Im deeply pierced on every inch of my body.
& I think its too late to catch my breath;
Because Im choking while Im pierced in the neck.
Its too late to try to escape.
Im caught.
Im trapped;
& I cannot get out.
Im on a bed of thorns.
The wind shoots me with thorns;
& Im held hostage in thorns;
& I cannot escape;
Because they have a hold on me.
Im in the web of danger;
Im in the web of thorns.

Its hard to explain
Just let me breathe
Don't pressure me
Dont force me
Dont question me
I cannot think
What am i going through?
Is it a rebound of depression?
A rebound of this illness?
I cant breathe
Its really hard to breathe
Just let me go
My tears are stuck
But i still wanna cry
Im in a mixed up emotion that hasnt been created yet
Im still fighting for an answer
Im just lying here not knowing what to do
I only hear my heart
And then the rest is just silence
My fears are coming back
My anxiety is awake
I think my body is finished now
Finished with all the rehab
Now im afraid
Is my heart really giving up?
My mind wants to take over once again
I really dont wanna do this
Do i have a choice?
Where is my strength?
Is my weakness coming back?
I have to try and win the fight again
Im so confused
Im so silent
I really dont wanna start all over again
My thoughts are so blank
I dont know what i want
I dont know what im supposed to be thinking
Unless this is the end
The end of rehab
The end of help
Is it wearing off?
Did it have enough?
Please dont let it give up on me now
Im not ready to be on my own

I hear voices,
My own voices;
Negative and positive
One voice to fail,
Once voice to succeed
But my ears fall under a spell that cannot be broken
My mind is telling me to leave
Listening to a broken soul,
Im struggling, im fighting
Who is this voice thats trying to speak
Where is this voice thats trying to see
I disappeared
And i didnt come back
Inside a cage im locked
The key is inside my mind
My heart tries to break through
But it weakens
Im trapped
Unable to escape
Pounding into my chest;
My throat is trying run
I cannot breathe,
Because the pace of my heart is choking me to fear
Now my heart bleeds,
Bleeding into a body
This is how it speaks
What is it trying to say? Im confused
Its trying to talk to me
In my ears it whispers;
"I miss you please come back"
I hear but i dont understand
Im blind but i can only see the darkness deep inside my soul
I cannot move
I cannot think
Where am i supposed to go? I ask my heart
My mind wont let me escape
The repetitive signals from the heart,
Is killing me each time it tries to speak
I cannot follow
I cannot leave
Its not easy
And my heart wants me to sneak
Im hyperventilating now
I know im going to fall
Im dizzy,
Im nautious
What is it trying to tell me
Im having bad anxiety
My hot flashes are starting
My face is red
My body is trembling
My skin is sweating
These attacks are getting worse
My tears force themselves through my eyes
Its forcing me to cry
My head is killing me
My mind is punishing me
I dont want to do this no more
I dont want to suffer no more
If i come back to myself will things be better?
If i come home to myself will it all disappear?
The heart craves what it wants
But the mind takes what it can steal
The heart screams
The mind fights back
The heart cries
The mind laughs
The heart pulls
The mind pushes
The heart blocks
The mind breaks
The heart begs
The mind ignores
The heart wants to heal
The mind continues to bleed
The mind creates darkness
And so the heart turns black
The mind creates tension
And so the heart pumps faster
The mind creates fears
And so the heart races
The mind creates anxiety
And so the heart beats faster
The mind creates anger
And so the heart turns cold
The mind creates depression
And so the heart breaks
The mind creates a stranger
And so the heart wants to stop

I thought it was over but my heart is still racing
I hear the pounding in my ears
I feel the breathing suffocating me
The numbness broke off all my circulation within my body
I cant hold on to what was already lost
My dreams have crashed
And my fears are still standing
My nerves are about to snap because im shaking
I feel like the darkness wont allow me to reach the the light
I close my eyes to make it darker and then i cry
I think then i get worried
I see then i get scared
I hear then i get startled
I feel then i get hurt
I thought i would never fall, but i did
My dizziness got the best of me; now i lay on the floor
I fell; not from being pushed
Not from tripping
Not from being off balance
..only from my mind within me
My heart shakes the floor
My lungs move the air
My thoughts play on a tv
I fear what isnt there..

I wanna turn back time to the part where happiness stayed
Then i could think clearly
And i wouldnt be insane
The silence got ruined from my screams in which i was scared
I wanted to hide
But i just couldnt hide
My darkness inside me hadnt disappeared
I feel like my neck got smaller with an invisible rope that squeezed me
So tightly;
I couldnt breathe
I couldnt speak
And i couldnt eat
My eyes turned black;
Thats when i couldnt see
Nothing was clear
And my tears couldnt wash it away
Nothing was near
The help i needed, couldnt stay
I curse the mirror that hangs
Its a stranger inside a hidden wall
I curse the darkness that came
For the times it made me fall
I tried to run
I tried to escape
But i was found
And i was framed
Never have i ever been so terrified that i had to cry
Never have i ever been so scared that i wanted to die
And this time im drowning
Not in water; but in my tears
My worries wont ever disappear
The more deeper i go
The more i run
The other side of the tunnel will approach me
And its not the sun
Its too late to change
To change what i feel
I cant go back and change it all
This fear that chases me is real

I thought i was cured
In the end my strength ran out
I ended up picking up the pieces from when i broke myself
All over again, i fall
I tried to run, and i ruined it all
Im at square one again
I want to quit, but i will give up on myself
I thought the struggle was over
But i saw a temporary bandage lasting most of my lifetime until it came off of my wounds
I started bleeding again
I cried, and i started suffocating again
Im breathing heavy; im back to being the enemy
My darkness is alive and once again, its after me
I thought i saved myself, but i was only inside a room that was locked for protection
The lock was broken, and the door had opened
My mind came inside once again
Inside the room; waking me from my dream once again
I thought my nightmares were over;
It was only the light that covered the darkness
I was walking with the light, and now it shut itself off
Im left trapped in the darkness once again; so i cannot see
I cant see the mirror
I cant see me
I thought i shattered the mirror; i broke my enemy
But it was glued back together with blood
Blood that came from inside me
Now i see again; but i dont want to look into my own eyes
Im broken once again
I see the past and now i see myself in disguise
I thought i stripped my enemy off
I thought it died,
But i guess i was wrong
It was in a deep sleep; it had woken up from my darkest dream
Im fighting once again; i want to run again
I want my strength again
It has started again

Only the time can stop
Only the time can go
And only the tears can be controlled,
If these things run smoothly
I try to think, but my mind freezes
I try to see, but my eyes turn blurry
I try to speak, but i choke
I try to breathe, but i hyperventilate
I try to listen, but my ears create static
When good happens,
He evil is behind it already bringing on the bad
When a positive turns to a negative thats when all hell breaks loose
I began on the wrong path,
Then at the end, the right path stole me away
Once i was in the right world,
The wrong path blinded me once again
I failed, but then i succeeded
And when i continued to do good,
I began failing all over again
I was angry, then i became happy
When i was seen with a smile,
The happiness was taken from me once again
When i cried,
My tears dried up forever
But when the puddles disappeared,
I was depressed all over again
I was bleeding,
Then my skin was sewed shut
But when there was no more red liquid,
The stitches unraveled themselves;
and i began bleeding all over again
My screams turned to whispers,
Now im loud again
My cries turned to laughter,
Now im crying again
My eyes opened up,
Now im blind again
My ears took in noise,
Now im deaf again
My mouth was able to speak,
Now im mute again
My nose was able to breathe,
Im hyperventilating again
My fears disappeared,
Now im scared again
My struggling stopped,
Now its happening again
Inside my mind i became calm,
Now i cant take the pain all over again
I have changed for the better,
Now the stranger is back once again

I chased my dreams but i ended up running from my nightmares
I chased the light but i ended up hiding from the darkness
I chased courage but i ended up losing to my fears
I chased happiness but i ended up crying everyday
I chased peace but i ended up yelling & screaming
I chased the air but i ended up gasping for it to come back
I chased relaxation but i ended up with anxiety
I chased comfort but i ended up bleeding
I chased sober but i ended up drunk
I chased my heart but i ended up running from my mind;
So i should have chased help and now im broken inside

Close the door
And break the lock
Rip apart the sheets
Now lay me down
My ears are open,
And touched from your mouth
Im forced to be silent
Im forced not to be loud
The vocal cords turned down its volume
And to talk, its restricted.
The less we talk
The more we move
The less we stall
The more we get done
The less we think
The more daring we become
A kiss from the lips of a face with seduction
A touch from a body with no shame to wander
Its so silent and dark
Now its unexpected of what im gonna feel
Theres no speaking allowed
But my voice can be loud
Theres no complaining allowed
But we can be rough
Theres no turning back now
But only to turn with a new move
There no stopping now
But we can stop to catch our breath
When a mark is made,
Its when the teeth sink in
When the wrists cant move
Its when the hands are gripping tight
When the breathing is hard
Its when the bodies are strong
When the yelling is loud
Its when the hand covers the mouth
Inside my ear, i hear you
But when i feel you, thats when i can understand
I think its better we dont talk
A whisper from your lips,
Is how we can go on
A whisper from your lips,
Is how you know you can turn me on
Its so hard to talk
But the feeling is unexplainable
The very little sound that comes from the diaphragm,
Is alot to show a satisfaction
Your eyes talk
But your lips move
Your hands move
But your ears dont listen
Your body doesnt listen
So my body accepts
Your actions has me hyperventilating
Your thoughts has me wanting more
& its so much better when its so silent
The sound of our breathing
Is louder than ever
The sound of the bed
Is the noisiest it can ever be
Drowning in sweat,
But i dont want to be rescued
U rescued me from the minute you locked the door
All my worries,
All my fears,
All my anger,
All my tears;
Have all disappeared when you silenced me through actions
I dont ever wanna talk when were in that moment

When strength was taken from me,
I lost my mind, body and soul
And when i found myself, it was only because i was looking into a
mirror
My heart was shattered from my mind
So i was never able to love myself back to life
Forgotten who i was,
The new person had been confused
Forgotten who i was,
The new person had been brainwashed
Forgotten who i was,
The new person had been angry
Forgotten who i was,
The new person became dangerous
So much pain,
I wanted to end myself
I didnt know how to undo the hurt that i had within my body
Nothing made sense
Nothing changed me
My weakness was lost forever
The tears washed away the pain only temporarily
And then it all came back again
I never questioned myself
I only bossed myself around
And then i abused myself
I just couldnt take it anymore
Something had to be done

A scent so strong, but yet so sweet;
The colour that reveals itself, shines happily
It calms
It silences
And then it grows strong
The face so gentle
The head so strong
But then a heart so fragile
Something can go wrong
My hands all *******
Then my body suddenly turned into a shield
Im protecting what im fighting for
Im protecting what isnt real
I turned away
I shut everyone out
I turned into ticks that pierce right through my body
The vicious thorns force me to bleed out every fear
Im struggling inside the garden of mazes
I struggle to untie my knots
My blood flows into the stem
My veins are snapped from the thorns
I learned to defend but now im completely protected
I have built a garden, then i grew what decided to pierce me
I grew a rose that replaced what couldnt be new
I screamed
And then i yelled with different volumes
I wanted to break myself
My pedals are slowly falling
My thorns are growing fast
My body continues to wrap around my space
Im in the middle of trying to let myself go

The stars are only there to look pretty,
Not to be our friends
The dreams are only keeping the brain calm
Not to keep us positive
The pennies only make the water *****,
Not to bring us a future
The candles on a cake is an old trick,
Each year was forgotten
11:11 is just a coincidence,
Not for the time to make us believe
Eyelashes just bother us,
Not to be happy if one falls
Wishbones just break easily,
Not to keep us strong
The moon just makes it all dark,
Not for the night to **** our nightmares
But God is still in the sky,
Lets see what happens before we die..

I scream,
Wishing you would scream back.
I talk,
Wishing you would talk back.
I hear my phone ring,
Wishing you were the person calling.
I answer my door,
Wishing you were the person who appears.
I eat,
Wishing you were eating with me.
I drink,
Wishing you were drinking with me.
I dance,
Wishing you were dancing with me.
I breathe,
Wishing you were breathing with me.
I listen,
Wishing I could hear your voice.
I walk,
Wishing you were walking behind me.
I laugh,
Wishing you were laughing with me.
I cry,
Wishing you would dry my tears.
I hyperventilate,
Wishing you would calm me down.
I bleed,
Wishing you would save me from myself.
I sleep;
& I know your here.
I dont ever want to open my eyes;
Because the only way I'll see you,
Is in my dreams.

I felt like i was squeezed;
Like my body was ******* itself into my bones
I felt like i was choking
Like my vocal cords had been snapped from the impact within my soul
I felt like i was weak;
Like my legs just collapsed over my feet
I felt like i was numb;
Like my skin went into a deep sleep
I felt like i couldnt move;
Like my bones turned brittle from the weakness from the cold
I felt like i was dizzy;
Like my head was spinning me around into circles
I felt like i couldnt focus;
Like my eyes kept going blurry
I felt like i couldnt hear;
Like my ears took everything in as being staticky
I felt like i couldnt breathe;
Like my lungs had been broken and my heart stopped suddenly
I felt like i could speak;
That my air had pronounced as being anxiety

Continuing to worry; i go through it all
Inside the closet i see the dresser filled with memories
Do i take it?
Do i leave it?
Im running out of time
I gather the clothes as my eyes tear up,
I refuse to listen as i hear a loud voice
"Shes gonna be here soon, are you getting her stuff ready?"
Im listening as i stall
Fearing,
Anxious,
Something doesnt seem right
Crying,
Its dejavu
Arent i supposed to be sleeping tight?
The light was bright
The car pulls up
I hear the noises of the stairs
Into the room,
I had to rush the things
Then it ended with an unknown ending
I wake from a repetitive scene, and this isnt the first time
I keep hyperventilating to the same dream
I keep having similar dreams
I keep wanting to change these dreams
My heart pounds as my anger strikes
I wanna close my eyes again and go back to change the past
-She goes to the hospital one more time

I opened a wound that i was unable to close
And with the open cut, i couldnt continue to breathe
I learned how to fight without any weapons
And the only weapon i had was my heart that lost it all
I tried to stay calm but my nerves shocked me like a wire
Im burning inside as this wound keeps tearing me apart
Im bleeding outside as my body slowly breaks
And with no strength my bones turn brittle and i start to shake
My heart pounds from the wound that wont heal;
And i just cant make it close
Through the years i loved the pain
The dizziness weighs me down as i stare at the puddle of blood
Inside the liquid, i see my reflection;
A reflection of the damage of what i have done
I should have left it alone
I shouldnt have let it all go
I should have blocked off my mind
I shouldnt have made my heart cry
I lost it all when i opened myself
I lost it all when i didnt listen
I lost it all when i ignored my heart
I lost it all when i created an open wound
And open cut that wont leave because i always wanted it to stay
I got used to all the pain that i went completely numb
I kept trying to find feeling again
But i was so in love with my enemy that brought me all the darkness
The wound that wouldnt heal is still being touched by all my fears

What happens when we fall?
We get right back up
But i fell a thousand times
So my body was trained to bruise
My plans broke and then i failed
I tortured my heart so my mind could be left alone to make me struggle
I was broken and was never fixed;
And then i had to move on with unfinished stories
The stories that left me hurt;
Left me bleeding
No bandage was able to stay on
No makeup was able to make it disappear
No clothing was able to cover me
No meds were able to change me
I kept ignoring the wounds that harmed me
I wanted to push it to see what would happen to me
Washing the blood, i didnt care
Even though i saw myself failing;
And i wanted to see how much i can take
Then i thought my strength would never leave
I saw myself grew weak;
Then these wounds were taking long to leave
I couldnt do this
I wanted to end this
I felt my head turning spinning
I felt my ears ringing
I felt my eyes get blurry
I felt my mouth drying up
I felt my breathing turned heavy
And then i felt my whole body go numb with the shock of mental illness
My bones broke
My skin ripped
My mirror shattered
And my heart followed my reflection
All my pieces got lost
I pushed it so deep that i scarred
I regret listening to myself because i went too far
The first cut was for me to try
Then the wounds started escalating until i cried
I cried to wash away the pain
I cried to heal the wounds that remain
But then it was too late
I had started a whole different pain
I was at the weakest my body could have been
I snapped myself in half then i couldnt move
I was badly wounded; i wanted to erase what i have done
I was my own doctor that i had to rely on
I made my own stitches on my body to get fixed, but the damage is done
I stapled my heart together, put it will never be strong
I put a bandage on my memories, but it will always fall off
Now the pain is real
Now i harmed myself enough
It took a long time to heal my wounds
But the scars will stay forever

Isnt life supposed to be happy
Arent memories supposed to fade
Arent nightmares supposed to disappear
Isnt the devil supposed to run away
Arent bruises supposed to leave
Arent bones supposed to seal
Isnt blood supposed to dry
Arent cuts supposed to heal
I faint inside my body when it shows that my appearance is strong
Outside my body i show the strength that i wish i have when im alone
Uncontrollable feelings on top of these scars that never faded
I have to accept the bruises that come and go when my mind is weakened
I tried to end it all with a memory i tried to change
But then the nightmare came back and the devil reached out again
I was bruised and it comes back
My bones broke and the pain still attacks
The blood that pours out my strength makes me dizzy and then i drop
The cuts remain open forever because i didnt know how to make it stop
Isnt time supposed to heal
Because the wounds are still not gone
My body weakened itself from fear
I cannot get over whats done

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to relieved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

When i never trusted, until i met you
When i never listened, until i heard you
When my eyes were closed, until you opened them up
When i couldnt speak, until you forced out my voice
When i couldnt stop crying, until you wiped my tears
When i was full of anger, until you made me smile
When i was outta control, until you calmed me
When i would run, until you stopped me
When i was scared, until you protected me
When i wanted to give up, until you made me fight
When i was weak, until you made me strong

When i was lost, until you found me
When i couldnt love, until you loved me
When i was half, until you made me whole

I was blind
I was deaf
My lungs were broken
I was weak
I wanted to stay away from the pictures that i used to see
I wanted everyone; everything silenced
I wanted to stop breathing
I wanted to lose myself
You gave me your eyes so i can see
You gave me your ears so i can hear
You gave me your nose so i can breathe
You gave me your mouth so i can speak
You gave me your strength so i can lose my weakness
You looked into my heart and opened the eyes of a prisoner;
Trapped inside her own body
You listened to my stories and undid the deaf inside my head;
So i can listen to everyone excluding myself
Mouth to mouth
You breathed air into my lungs and brought me back to life again