I can tell you to kiss me,
But your in control of how long
I can tell you to strip me,
But your in control of the amount of clothes to take off
I can tell you to grab me,
But your in control of where to start
I can tell you to throw me,
But your in control of how far
I can tell you to hold me down
But your in control of how tight
I can tell you to mark me,
But your in control of how many hickeys
I can tell you to pull my hair,
But your in control of how hard
I can tell you to **** me,
But your in control of how rough

I felt like i could breathe again with a kiss on my lips
Till that kiss turned into a makeout session, thats when i couldnt catch my breath
I felt like i could breathe again with your arms around me
Till your hands started wandering, thats when i couldnt catch my breath
I felt like i could breathe again you kissed upon my neck
Till those kisses bruised me with hickies, thats when i couldnt catch my breath
I felt like i couldnt breathe again when we made love
Till the *** was rough & hard, thats when i couldnt catch my breath

I felt your kisses turning into bites
I felt your hands turn into handcuffs that held my wrists tight
I felt your tongue drench my body
I felt my lungs breathing heavy
I felt our sweat drip over the sheets
I felt my chest being sexually squeezed
I felt your hands pull my hair hard
I felt that your body was my guard

You guarded me with every move
Every move was fast
Every move was rough
Every move was hard
I learned how to catch my breath from being under your body

His lips trap me from speaking, but he allows me to scream
As our tongues make conversation, my hair is automatically locked inside his fist
Then he showers me with his tongue until I beg him to enter
I feel my heart beating hard inside my throat as I try to catch every
breath of the pleasure that I take
Im being moved into different positions every minute
Im being detained after every pleasure
My ears are popped from the ******* of his mouth to my neck
My body is cracking from the way he positions my back
Handcuffs were a bit different this time; they were replaced with his hands
I couldn’t move, but he moved me
I couldn’t breathe, but he made me gasp for air
Those ****** noises turned a quiet house loud
I broke free of my silence, then made him deaf from my screams he brings on
Its so intense I need him to stop
The cramping in my ovaries
and the poking of my ribs
its pleasure & pain when he forcefully gives in
He still has a grip; not only on my hips, but my whole body
He holds me tight, making sure our skin stays attached
My walls inside are scratched and bleeding with pleasure  
My ****** is bruised and scarred with ******
I gave up on trying to catch my breath
I only wanted to suffocate sexually even more
Those bedsheets make it even harder to breathe under while he’s taking control

Pick me up like Im a box;
And carry me to a place meant for you to be alone
All this ribbon that binds me, are my chains that will free me
The paper that covers me is taped closed to hide an image
My body is a box
My string is the ribbon
My clothes is the paper
So throw me;
Im the present underneath your sheets thats green like a tree
****** me;
Now you’re ready to unwrap me

With your every strength, you made me weak
The kinda weakness i wanted in the sheets
I felt you before you actually touched me
I wanted you before you actually grabbed me
Your eyes pierced me, so i went blind
The kinda blind that shut my mind,
It was replaced what i saw in our world
Your mouth bit me, so i went numb
The kinda numb that stopped all my pain, but i regained wanted pain from you and that made me go insane
My buttons became loose
My pants became unzipped
I couldnt move, until you had me stripped
I lost all my weakness as soon as you kissed me
I lost all my strength the minute you ******
me

You marked my neck,
and then I couldnt slow down the air within my lungs
The ******* from your lips made me lose my breath,
and then i forgotten how to breathe
You cooled down my hot skin with the ice you held in your hand
Then I completely lost my breath
from that shock that you placed all over me
My top unbuttoned;
My pants unzipped;
My lingerie wrapped around your hands, as you brought yourself closer
I saw your clothed body;
but it was naked in my eyes
You deprived me from yourself because you loved making me wait
I hated the struggle
I hated the game
I couldn’t even escape to strip you the same way
You locked my wrists with yours
And until you finished your teasing ways,
You wanted to enjoy the show
I kept telling you what you wanted to hear;
To just **** me already

Finally that wait had ended; your fun & games ran out of time
Your hands did one last move to calm my mind
Those marks on my neck started to bleed
That ice on my body drenched me after it melted;
And then I became cold
But instead of a blanket, you were the one that draped me
On top of my body, I finally felt you indent me
Purposely testing my breathing;
Purposely triggering my screams;
So you can hear how amazing your performance had been

Lets do some damage.
Lets cause a disaster.
Let us finally undo ourselves after locking the door behind us.

The look in your eyes,
Will bring me closer.
And my eyes are weakened;
Because the strength inside you,
Will give you the energy to pull me to you in silence.
My body;
Inside a glass container,
That you have broken through the air,
To get to me.
Your body;
Was so distant behind the curtains,
Until I ripped through to you.
Your grip on my hips,
Holds for just a second.
The opening of my pants,
Appears at your fingers' attention.
And then you whisper,
"Your innocence will soon be taken."
And then my response bounced back;
"It was taken so long ago.
Im not an amateaur.
I know how to perform."
Bring yourself close.
Bring yourself on top.
Just indent my lips with yours.
& dont make it passionate.
Dont go soft.
In the end your lips will bleed.
I want our hearts to beat a different rhythm.
I want our breathing to be ready for a race.
The kiss that will lead to a touch.
The touch that will lead to ***.
I wanna start kissing.
Ripped from my body,
My clothes suddenly became invisible.
Your hands acted like scissors;
In my mind,
Everything is so shattered.
There is no turning back.
And with so much force,
The bed catches me,
As you push me down.
Your hands suddenly wonder.
& your clothes are suddenly removed.
Let our minds take control.
Lets make our bodies turn colours.
My body leans on you.
Your body pulls me closer.
Now things will start to get heated up.
Are you insured?
Because we need to have coverage,
For the damage we're about to create.
The walls suddenly push our bodies with so much force.
Our eyes stab eachother so deep;
As they lock tight,
With the seriousness on our faces.
We are eachothers lessons;
We need to learn.
Our energy gets warmed up.
The power within you are secrets to show me.
The power within me are secrets to respond to you
I wanna start.
In silence,
My hands are hostage with yours.
Because Im held down so tightly.
Your lips pressing.
Your lips indenting on my neck.
Suddenly the bruises of proof showed itself.
Pierced with your mouth.
Pierced with your teeth.
One spot after another;
Like a leopard's skin,
You have marked me.
The first set of hickeys.
I want you to release me.
Unlock your hands from mine.
I want you to move out of my way,
Because this excitement is making me crazy.
"Dont talk,"
He says.
"Just relax,"
He continues.
Your hands appear tighter around me.
Finally,
My bellybutton is touched from inside my body.
Your suddenly deaf as Im screaming;
Deeper.
Harder.
Faster.
When you make sure my wrists had been marked;
The redness;
That was made while you squeezed me so tight with your strong hands.
You finally let go.
My hands suddenly wonders across your back.
My fingers move with so much pressure,
So much strength,
So much force,
As I make these marks.
Like a tiger's skin,
My nails scratch your whole body;
Up & down your back.
& you start bleeding,
As you try to control me.
I suddenly **** my up yours.
& with all the force I have,
Your pressured to be down.
Like a belly dancer without clothes,
Im performing a dance on top of you.
Its time for me to take charge.
The Kamasutra finally enters our minds.
The next step is for us to get created.
Positions force themselves into our naughty minds,
& into our bodies.
There is no such thing as the word "stop."
Through our skin,
We drown in our own sweat.
Through the mirrors,
Were covered in eachothers marks.
Through our bodies,
We've pleasured eachothers hunger.
The damage has been done.
What a beautiful disaster.
What beautiful pain.
What beautiful damage.

Cuts like a knife
Rips like a piece of paper
Drags like an object
Addicting like a drug
Small but powerful
And i couldnt protect myself
And the only safety i had was water & tissue
To clean the blood from my scars
The troubles pushed through my veins
The pain forced through my skin
The breathing that i missed was too fast
But i caught it once i relaxed myself to sleep
My fears were hidden
My nightmares were asleep
My anxiety temporarily caught its breath
My pain was healed invisibly
Until the pain ends,
My eyes are wide open
And then im so strong
But my heart was so weak
It pounds with fear;
It escapes comfort
Im smiling at this point because i know ill be calm
My hand grips
My arm tightens
My veins, shaken
My skin, finally struck
And the blood reveals itself once it escapes
Theres no pain
Theres no harm
Theres no feeling
The pain is in the heart
The harm is in the soul
The feeling is in the mind
The thoughts of something that shouldnt be spoken of
I RAISE my hand to my skin
Im into the ER now
My own ER room
And i dont care if i leave now.
RAISE ER
RAZER
It cuts me..

Pieces of the mind
Pieces of the body
Have been torn apart
The strength that was present is now buried so deep within
All the weakness has risen
And now the spirit and soul is so heavy
This pain of every emotion has suddenly struck and shocked
Chipping away the tragedies,
The puzzle slowly breaks
Stretching away the mind,
Its getting pulled so fast
Breaking of the heart
Its in pieces on the floor
Eyes are blind
Ears are plugged
Mouth is mute
And i cannot breathe
Damaged, hurt, broken
Its the end
There is no explanation for pain
There is no explanation for negativity
There is no explanation for life
Ive been moved
Ive been touched
Ive been filled with different emotions
Ive been pushed
Ive been knocked over
I flew through the air
I met the floor
I broke to pieces

She recognizes,
It was only the first time
So the pain only lasted for a short time
She hurt,
The pain started again
It started to show
It started to notice
Silence wouldnt allow a voice to talk
She bruised,
Her mind was played with
Her body was thrown around
Her soul was pierced
She abused,
The marks showed the emotions within her
The blood was proof
It forced itself out of her body
And then she was weak
She murdered,
Shes so dead inside herself
Shutting everything and everyone out
& the company she ever had was negativity
Sharp objects were her friends;
And the only weapons she only knew
The more she faught, the more she wanted to damage
The worse it became
& the damage was done
She murdered;
The jail was her body
Her mind lost the key

Trembling with mood swings
Im screaming
My throat is broken
& my cords are snapped open
Shaking with fear
Im crying
My eyes are burning
& my pupils made me go blind
Shivering with anxiety
Im hyperventilating
My nasal passages are completely blocked
& my lungs had collapsed
Dizzy with noises
My eardrums had shattered
& my ear canal has been cut
Numbness on my body
Everything had lost its strength

The candles open a tunnel for us to see each others naked bodies
As you guide me through the curtain, I felt your hands all over me
The hot water sprays but i felt a cold sensation on the wall as you pushed me against it
Your kisses warmed me up even more than the water that flows onto us
The faucet doesnt cover me anymore; and instead its your body that layers me
Then the marks on my neck became dark bruises that made my blood flow faster
Your tongue continued to slide down my body, and my breathing became heavy
And then when we were ready,
you locked my hair into your fist, as you grip my hip really tight
As we slip into a deep seduction, we both are drenched
Drenched, not only from water; but from deep within our bodies
I try to find something to hold onto as you became rough
Then your body became my stabilizer as I began to shake

Sickness is like a poison
That changes the body
That changes the mind
That changes the soul
The body can get weak
The mind can forget
The soul can disappear
Weakness can gain strength
Forgetting can gain memory
Disappearing can gain appearance
Strength
Memory
Appearance
Is all in the mind
The mind is strong
And so once the mind allows strength,
Once it allows memory
Once it allows appearance,
You are free
You are beautiful
You are amazing
Sickness is a word
It is the only poison in the this world
And it is given by the devil
And the devil wants people to suffer
But you have the power to defeat Gods enemy
And God gives you the power to work with him
And so you have the power to free yourself


Dedicated to my cousin Sam I love u so much
God will take care of u xo

Permanently mute;
Shut tight with force.
Unable to let out a sound.
Even pressured to stop breathing.
Like terror in the night,
Its hard to make out a sound when evil hides.
Shadows are forced to be quiet.
The dark figures act like ghosts who mean no harm.
Not even a heartbeat is noticed.
Not even a breath is let out.
Not even a blink of an eye is moved.
Everything has stopped completely.
Everything appears abandoned.
Everything appears deserted.
Everything appears soundless.
Cant speak.
Cant move.
Cant think.
Cant see.
Cant hear.
Cant breathe.
Voices & whispers has died down.
Breathing has stopped.
Hearts have turned dark.
Each sound has shut down.
Each sound became permanently quiet.
Each sound was shot by silence.

Im behind a door so that noone can see me
When i appear in front of everyones eyes, its like an act that im forced to perform
I cant pretend that im breathing,
When im actually choking
Im strangling myself silently until im hyperventilating alone
I keep quiet in a crowd
Then i scream when noones around
I keep my eyes dry until they burn
Then i try to smile when my cries are heard
Im leaning on myself
But then i fall
I wasnt strong enough to hold my body;
Because i was too weak to hold on to my fears
I slipped away
I fell & broke
I let go of something that I wasnt able to hold
My pieces were lost and so was i
My body was shattered but i couldnt open my eyes
I was crowded from the images inside my eyes; i couldnt see
My lungs had collapsed from being caved in; i couldnt breathe
My throat closed in from swallowing the negativity; i started to choke
My heart kept pounding fast; and then it suddenly broke
My body gave out; so i became weak
My bones veins snapped in pieces; so my nerves kept bothering me
I stay silent
Im silent but frustrated inside
I wanna break free
But im being held down
I wanna undo these knots that have me captured deep within myself
No time to breathe
No words to speak
No getting rid of the fears that cause this anxiety

The thoughts that got created
The thoughts that craved ******
The thoughts that used the mind
The thoughts that finally hurt her
Negative creativity,
From inside the mind
The craving to hurt
I was taken advantage of,
And it was from deep inside
Bruising thoughts, i knew it was going to happen
Wounded heart, i poked through my own soul
Bleeding skin, i pierced through my own body
Painful shadow, my colours disappeared and replaced with the darkness
& when my mind put pressure on me, i became weak;
So i broke my own body
I was scared,
So i shut off the lights to anxiety
I was hyperventilating,
So i choked myself so i couldnt breathe
I was depressed,
So i drowned myself in my own tears
I stopped talking to everyone,
So i made myself alone
I began to drink,
So i drank myself to sleep
My thoughts of harm,
So i sinned and killed myself
My time of punishment is forever;
With pain of memories & suffering
My time of punishment is forever;
With the drug thats finally taming me

I wanna be glued to the ground,
So I never get up.
I wanna be covered up,
So noone would find me.
I see a beautiful family.
I see a beautiful life.
I just want my eyes to be glued together.
I just want my brain to be focused on the positivity.
I just want my heart to be happy.
I just want my tears to stay inside my body.
I wanna stay in the bed and just breathe slowly.
I wanna shut my mouth and just allow my dreams to talk for me.
I just wanna break the silence thats coming outside of my room.
I just wanna build a wall in front of all my fears;
& all my worry.
I just wanna restart my life;
& end it with hurtless things.
I wanna just ignore the real world around me;
& focus on the fake world within me.
I dont wanna ever open my eyes.
Or else things will go back to being abnormal.
& I just wanna stop seeing the truth.
& just focus on my dreams.
So if i could just keep my eyes closed forever,
I can live happy again.

My room turned into glass; then it shaped itself into a bowl
I didnt know the next step until i got brainwashed and it all made sense to cry
To fill up the bowl, it was all planned
In the end i know im going to drown
My fears broke me
My anxiety striked me
My nightmares haunted me
My mind played me
Inside the glass, my screams only echoed back
Noone was able to hear me ask for help
I wanted to continue to scream but it was so pointless as i became so weak
There was no air to breathe;
Only the top was open for me to see
I didnt know how to climb out
I didnt know how to run away
I didnt know how to break away from all the mistakes that were made
Every single night;
I had cried,
I laid in bed with closed eyes
I had no more strength so i struggled
I wanted to escape all the trouble
And i felt like a statue;
Couldnt move
Couldnt speak
Couldnt hear
Couldnt breathe
I felt trapped inside my own room
I locked away dreams & wishes that i once knew
I wanted to change
I wanted to grow
But instead i was stuck
And i kept going low
I keep being attacked, but noones here
Im alone
I know noone will hear
Everything taken, so my heart would bleed
The water kept coming as my eyes couldnt see
I panic because the bowl is half full
I just cant stop even if i try to punch a hole
I had forgotten how to swim
So im sure i will drown
This water is even salty so it burns my cuts & scars that keep opening as i bleed on the ground
Im trying to dry the water but it keeps coming so i cant sleep in peace
My bed is soaked; how do i rest?
My face is drenched; how do i stop?
My eyes are burning; how do i forget?
Im drowning
I cannot see
Now my room is filled to the top so i cannot breathe
I have no choice but to lay here waiting for it all to shatter and stop my eyes from leaking

She doesnt even care who watches her
She doesnt even care who talks about her
She doesnt even care how she disrespects herself
She cares for pleasure
Cares to meet guys
Cares to be seen
She uses it to get away
She uses it to distract her mind
She uses it to relax her nerves
Not sober,
But not an alcoholic,
A sexoholic.
So shes drunk with pleasure.
And she knows people talk
And she knows people disagree
And she knows people laugh
And she knows people watch
And she knows people are disappointed
And she knows people cant mind their business
And she knows other girls are *******
Everyday, a different guy who calls.
Everyday, a different number she saves.
Everyday, a different car shows up.
Shes too out of control
Shes too confused to realize
Shes too focused on one thing
Shes too distracted to worry about all the problems
Because she chooses to be the way they see her as
She choses the way she acts
She choses the way she dresses
She choses the way she moves
She choses the way she thinks
She choses the way she talks
She choses the number of guys
She choses to be a ******

White as snow;
Her face is so tender
Eyes that sparkle;
Like the crystal blue sky
Red like an apple
Her lips shine bright
Black like a silhouette
Her hair is so dark
Wicked, but there was still beauty somewhere else
The mirror of an evil queen talks the truth;
And ruins her each time
The evil in her eyes,
Stare at the innocent princess
Death was waiting
Death was sleeping
Working hard to please the queen,
The weapon of terror had him scared for the life of an innocent child
The huntsman sadly agreed to her dreams
In seconds she was frightened when she saw him lift the axe,
And then she didnt understand why...
"Run" he said
"Why" she responds
"She wants you dead"
Into the forest;
The character- like forest
She runs
She hurries
Her heart beating fast with fear
Shes so confused
Shes so afraid
And then her fragile body gave out;
Fallen to the ground
So tired;
So exhausted
So shocked
The day light came
And so she was awake with cute animals of the forest
The air breathes into her lungs as she gains oxygen once again
Up she gets
Off she walks
It was like nothing happened
Her new friends hint a house waits for her company
Into the house
Exhausted; she finally gets to sleep
Until an unexpected door
Opening frightens her suddenly
7 men
7 little men welcome her stay
Her story had sadden them;
And agreed she stayed
Insisted she stay forever
A smile was always on her face
But deep inside shes broken
And its so awful when someone;
Your family; wants to **** you for beauty..
Days pass
Nights pass
Shes nowhere to be found
She finally found out the truth behind it all
The queen with the evil intentions will stop at nothing
Mixing potions,
Reading a book
And then when she drinks,
The liquid eats away at her beauty
The black dark image of an old lady changes her appearance completely
And then for her final magic,
The innocent apples were tricked into a ***
A red fruit had drowned in poison,
To feed an innocent body
To work the men went,
So to the house the old lady missioned
And the kindness in the princess' heart couldnt say no,
To opening the door to an old stranger
A lie was told next
A big lie that goes wrong
"These are magic apples" she smiled
And then snow white was so amazed that her wish was not going to come true...
The music in her stomach
The light in her eyes
Her watery lips were begging for a quench
As she opened up,
The whiteness in her teeth started to go brown.
As she took her first bite,
She felt so strange
"I feel strange" she worried
Weakness; shes so weak
A faint covered the floor and held her body
Her fragile body had fallen
She laughs
She rejoiced
"Now im the fairest in the land"
Not for long she had the happiness
These men were ****** when they saw what happened
The mountains were just screaming for her to come
She ran
They ran faster
The storm got stronger
Her body became lighter
And then suddenly to the ground she fell
Death was actually waiting for the wickedness of the land
Now another body to worry about
To cry
To pray
To dream
Into a glass casket,
They just couldnt hide her
She lay there broken,
Fragile,
Weak,
Lifeless
Not even the tears of 7 sets of eyes awakened her
And a miracle was going to approach
The prince of magic was shocked
Its over he thought
But then he opened the glass
His mouth met her soft red lips
Only seconds later they all had to wait
Her long lashes moved
Her big beautiful eyes opened
Her lips smiled
And then her body gained all the strength
The hugs, the kisses
A beautiful princess was back into the life of her loved ones
The horse is the ride,
And now the path leads them off
Happily ever after
Happily in love

The sadness inside has grown
The sadness inside developed a habit
And im still broken
The tears that keep falling,
Developed an ocean & so ive drowned;
Thinking about one thing
Everything will always continue to be black;
& the colours of my spirit have faded away
The silence of my voice is the only loudness thats being heard
Im deaf being quiet
Im mute from screaming
Im drowning from crying
I walked on black ice,
And fell many times
I tried to swim in water,
And i continue to drown
I tried to be strong,
But in the end i was weak
My head was so empy,
But full of sadness
My heart was empty,
But full of pain
My mind was empty,
But full of negativity
My spirits were empty,
But full of emotions
My eyes were empty,
But full of tears
The colour that represents this pain is dark
No shadows
No light
Just dark and black
And this is the depression in the end of this tragedy
This is my sorrow

He secured me where he wanted me as the bed indented from my body
The soft kisses became hard *******; marking up my neck while I tried to breathe
I felt his hands all over me, slithering below my waist
Then his fingers assisted his tongue with a taste
His knuckles made a sound while hitting my bone
My whispers changed, and turned into moans
He broke my silence, but I couldn’t speak
No words came out; only a scream
Looking forward to the rest of the night,
I couldn’t wait for something bigger to go inside

I heard the sound of his belt buckle hitting the floor
Then when he separated my
knees, I kept wanted more
Our naked bodies were taking a beating from the loud clapping we were making
His hands became part of the bed, being underneath my ****;
squeezing me while my vocal cords were stressing themselves out
I kept breathing hard and he went faster
I kept screaming louder and he went harder
I kept scratching his back and he went deeper

He wanted full control
So then he flipped me over as my hips were gripped tight;
Getting ready as he went behind
My voice was fainting, as he ignored
I couldn’t handle that beautiful pain, but I still wanted the amazing pleasure
His body was always like a machine
He loved when I couldn’t handle the moves that made me scream
His hands connected with what was below my lower back
That redness appeared a little after his spanks
Suddenly I felt a yank on my head
My hair was in a ponytail held tight by his hand
His other hand wrapped around my neck
I could barely move as his torso rested on my back
There was a rush of unexplainable sounds
Each new position wanted their rounds
Our breath dried out our mouths; making us choke
Then my screams strained my vocal chords & throat
Our skin became louder, making ourselves red
The ending had approached as we soaked up the bed

I can feel an anxiety thats coming through with force
My body is shaking
My body is trembling and then im numb
I feel a gentle flow running down my face from my eyes
My face is shining
My face feels wet
Now my face shines, but not with happiness
Im sparkling now with brokenness
I wiped away everything that ran down my face
I was glowing
I was sparkling
I couldnt get these tears off my face anymore
I was angry
I was anxious
I couldnt stop these tears from coming through my eyes
I was depressed
I was hurt
I couldnt stop these feelings tearing my heart out of my chest
I wanna run, but where will i hide
I wanna speak, but what will i say
I wanna fall, but whos going to catch me
I wanna sleep, but will i wake up
I keep wiping my face
They are just sparkles
I keep counting each sparkle
Each one has its meaning
I keep releasing them on my face
And my face always shines
I cannot control whats coming through my broken heart & eyes

My brain is right, while my mind is wrong
I believe all the lies, and i hate all the things i have done
My left leg wants to move, while my right leg trips me
I try to run away, but my fears wont set me free
My left arm is weak, while my right arm is strong
One i suddenly broke, and one used to make the blood run
My eyes are closed, while i see my worries inside
When they're closed im safe, but when they're open i wanna hide
Im breathing, while im hyperventilating
I feel calm, but at the same time i feel dizzy
I can hear, while im deaf
I wish i can plug out everything, but the negativity wont make me forget
Im numb, while i feel all the pain
I knocked myself out, then i forced myself up again
Im tired, while im wide awake
Im burning up, while im cooling down
The anger that i release, leaves my voice with no sound
I wanna forget, but my nightmares keep me up late
Im laughing, while im crying
My appearance is that im ok, but behind a door im mentally dying
Half of the mirror is perfect, while the other half is shattered
The perfection is what i want;
And the shattered is the reality in which i will forever suffer..

Performances in the dark;
It undo's the secrets of unbraveness.
The black cloud took over the sky.
The lightening pierced the sun.
The thunder chased away all the confidence;
The braveness was chased away by fear.
& its so dark.
& its so silent.
& its so unexpected.
Not an actress,
But I perform;
The lines of fear.
Standing there afraid.
Standing there frozen.
Standing there with shame.
Standing there with anxiety.
Standing there embarrassed.
Standing there unprotected.
The lights that pierce my eyes.
The sounds that stab my ears.
The air that stops my breathing.
The stage that allows me to fall.

What is happening
My demons are reappearing
The darkness has chased away the light
Now im left to cry
Im in shock
My body has been struck
I lay here broken;
Im unable to move;
Unable to talk;
Unable to breathe
My hands are on my neck
The bruises are inside my body
So im choking
And im not breathing
Im testing my pulse
Will my heartbeats disappear
Because i feel like im already dead.
And inside my body,
My bones are becoming brittle
Im losing myself all over again
Why am i disappearing again
Im pulling myself to stay
I feel so alone
Inside my head its only me
And when im distracted,
Im pushing everyone away
Im still holding on,
Im still breaking free.
The pain is not over yet,
It wont even let me sleep.
Im so lost
And im helpless
Im unsure of what to do
I dont even know this feeling
I just dont know if i can make it through
Again im squeezing;
My neck is being trapped
Im losing air
Im losing feeling
And all these things im trying to fight back
Save me from myself
Myself is being bullied
Bullied; im pushed
Pushed on the floor
And terrorized
Untie me from my hands
Release me from my mind
Im struggling; im fighting
To finally save my life
Broken; bleeding on the floor
I opened my own cuts
Only myself can stitch up the mess
Only myself can free my soul
Only i can save myself
It needs to end

One last time im gonna repeat myself
One last time ill try to explain the truth
I cannot control it
I can only fight it
Even though i may end up bruised
A thousand times i tried to heal myself
And in the end i made it worse
A thousand times i tried to ignore myself
A thousand times i ended up hurt
I begged myself to change
I begged myself to accept
I begged myself to be calm
I begged myself to forget
The pieces that had fallen
They were from my body
The pieces i picked up
They just continued to hurt me
I cried to see if the tears would wash away all the pain
But it only made me drown;
It never made my fears go away
I made myself bleed to see if i would gain a conclusion;
But it only made it worse,
It made me gain an addiction
The nightmares that i had,
I hoped it would all be over
Then i was wrong;
It was a way for me to get weaker
I used violence, i threw things around,
I slammed the doors,
I fell to the ground
I ran outta breath;
With the anxiety attacks
I thought it was only one time,
But it always came back
The mind kept changing,
I thought it was normal
Until i was told that i had to be under control
I look through the darkness and there will never be light
I try to figure out how im going to fight
I look around the room to see if the weapons are still around
But its so hard to stop wanting what brought me to the ground
I look at the door;
The one i always shut behind
I can no longer open it until my habits get left behind
I look in the mirror and i dont like what i see
I will always see a stranger staring at me

I went overboard until i crashed
I went under and my body got smashed
I couldnt stop
I couldnt help myself
I couldnt remember
I was too distant from myself
My eyes were closed when they should have been open
And when they were, all i saw were open wounds in front of my face
I couldnt feel anything;
I was so numb
And when i had feeling, it was only inside my heart with the aches of torture
Im bleeding but i only see
What im feeling is deep regrets in between all my scars
Then i became a porcelain doll,
I was held with my own arms,
Then i purposely fell out
I broke all over the floor
And to stop my blood from escaping, i sewed myself back to life
Im together but its forced
Now im scarred from head to toe
Its the time to be careful now
One more fall then i will stay down
Just allow me to pull my own string
The string that holds my body
The string that i had to put in
Everything is so fake
My mistakes bring me to the end;
Im new but im still torn
Im together but underneath im scarred
I stand but i force my fall
I laugh but when noone looks i cry
I look good until you see my skin
Im together until i pull my string...

My body was created and then torn apart
Like a puzzle that noone was able to put me back together
Through my skin,
I bled myself to hyperventilation
Through my body,
I drank myself to sleep
Through my soul,
I cried myself to dream
My head was left
My heart was always right
My arms were heavy
My legs were light
My eyes were always burned
My nose was plugged
My mouth was always stretched
My ears were always clogged
My pupils had been scratched
My nasal cavity had been pushed on
My vocal cords had been cut
My ears had been popped
My fingers and toes had been hit
My hair hasnt been strong
My face had been squeezed
My body had been numb
My body had been torn apart since it got created
Noone was able to put me back together with the pieces of my puzzle
When i was bleeding,
I wanted to bleed some more
When i was drinking,
I drank myself out the door
When i was crying,
Noone heard me

Its silent
Its dark
And i only hear my breathing to the fast pace of my heart
Noones listening
Just myself observing
I tell myself that everything is never gonna be the same
My image broke years ago
Everyday i walk against invisible crutches; that i depend on to guide me through my fears
Sometimes i let go and i wanna fall
Lose all my strength;
Then lose it all
I try to keep my focus
But all i see is the past
I lay down and roll over and keep saying i wanna go back
I cannot return whats been brought to me
I tried to make things work
I tried to heal the hurt
Then reality got worse
The feeling of numbness
But then the feeling of knives
The feeling of loneliness
But then the feeling of my fears beside me
The feeling of hyperventilating
But then the feeling of intoxication
The feeling of anxiety
But then the feeling of being dangerously calm
The feeling of hallucinations
But then the feeling of the reality of life
When i think, I remember
When i remember, i feel the anger
When i feel the anger, i feel the sadness
And then i feel the tears from eyes run down as i cry myself to sleep..

Overworked and stressed
Your body wanted to collapse
But then you fought your weakness
Your strength suddenly came back
You made the sad happy
You made the angry calm
You made the quiet loud
Tired
Frustrated
Stressed
But always had a smile on your face
Hiding from the pain
You pretended everything was ok
And that everything would be ok
But everything was not ok
And this was not ok
Finding the strength to pull through;
That was year 1
And then it overpowered
Another year,
Stronger
Another year,
Becoming weaker
Time was running out
Loved you too much to say goodbye
Loved you too much to be forced to cry
Loved you too much to see the worst
Loved you too much to see you permanently hurt
Rain of tears
Rain of sorrow
Never will this undo
Never will i forget tomorrow
Its over
Its done
But the pain is gone
Its over
Its done
Your suffering has ended
But our pain has begun

I feel the heaviness of anxiety being pushed on me
And then im pinned down with no way of getting up
I try to grab air because my lungs are too weak
When i try to breathe, gravity pushes down on me
My heart is being squeezed and tortured
And then it pours out all the blood that once filled me
I try to drain out my mouth from the watering saliva;
That gets me choking as i try to swallow
My heart pounds;
It races fast
And then i feel the attacks come at me
And then i fight but i lose at my own battle
Im inside something and im getting no air
Im inside something that doesnt allow me to have any room to breathe
I struggle to breathe
I try to breathe
I hyperventilate knowing it wont end

I have been walking with my eyes closed for days
I was blind to see what love was about
I didnt wanna learn
I didnt wanna search
I didnt wanna feel
I didnt know how until i was knocked on the ground
I turned away from it all and blocked everything out
I only accepted myself into my life when i was down
My trust issues was for everyone except my mind
I loved my conscience who feared me all the time
I was scared to love, but i loved to be alone
I thought it was normal to be trapped; from being locked inside a room
When i turned around,
I actually turned to change
Into a stranger, i became disturbed & weak
I thought there was no light
I thought there was no escape
I was unsafe
And to be saved, i thought i couldnt be rescued from the prisoner inside my mind
It poured,
It rained
But it was from my eyes
I couldnt deal with the pain inside myself
Loneliness took over my body;
I did whatever the **** i wanted
I was lead to the darkest place
The place that i call my mind
I was scared to let anyone in,
Because i was forced to shut everyone out
And the stranger deep inside, always wanted me to hide
I was in so much danger, that i thought for sure i couldnt be saved
Something hit me
Someone broke me
The light that opened me;
The darkness that left me
My weakness turned to strength when you lifted me from the ground
My tears dried quickly when you wiped them from my eyes
You introduced me to the world because my world was inside my dark self
My negative thoughts disappeared when you whispered in my ears
I was able to breathe again when you made me catch my breath by breathing fresh air into my lungs
And then when my lips were sealed, you unglued them by making yours touch
Your body became strapped to mine;
You were a shield that my worries were forced to hide
You pushed all the darkness out of my way when i was weak
And when i couldnt sleep, you were the one that was in my dreams
When i was drowning in my tears, you helped me swim
I got dried from the air when you breathed all over my skin
My screams were silenced; from every move you made
With my anger gone, you will forever stay
I broke free when you picked up my pieces;
The broken pieces to my heart.
The pieces that were in your hands, had been pushed back in my body
You killed my dark mind
You set me free
You are the one that saved me

I talk,
But im forced to choke on my words
I scream,
But im forced to hold it between my teeth
I whisper,
But im forced to just close my mouth
What is left?
I try to breathe,
But i have no oxygen
Inside my throat is where i feel a pain so uncontrollable
My chest feels like there are pins and needles; just piercing me and i cant find the holes
Then my heart feels like theres a knife just stabbing me with no control
My words were innocent until i was triggered
My actions were gentle until i was tempted
My mind was stable until i got introduced
My body was pure until i got damaged
As i whispered, i had to chew ******* my words
It was sweet and innocent, so i bit my tongue and silenced
Then i spoke, i had to close my mouth
It was salty but easy to wash it right out
Then i tried to breathe, it was too sour for me proceed.
I was struggling with no air
Then i tried to think, it was bitter and i couldnt keep it all in
So then my heart came up into my throat
The pain that i felt when i had to *****
But at the same time i was forced to keep it down
Im so nauseous from trying to be strong
I held inside everything that was wrong
I bleed without a knife
My mind just wants to fight
My nightmares havent disappeared
My fears have left me in tears
Now i cant breathe
Im choking and its all too sharp
I dont wanna close my mouth with everything just piercing through me
My throat acts like a shield; protecting the body from damage
But im too weak to fight back so i have to bite down and take it
Its inside my stomach,
I wanna ***** the liquid out of me
Its inside my blood,
I wanna cut out the depression inside of me
Its in my bones,
I wanna break; then rebuild what already broke me
Its in my chest
I wanna rip out the heart thats frozen
Its in my throat
I wanna pull it all out but its too late
Its in my mouth
I was forced to take in what i couldnt handle
My mouth was supposed to stay closed so that it all couldnt go down

My throat is clogged
And then my chest is tight
My hands are numb
And then my fingers tingle
My ears are ringing
And then my eardrums close
My eyes are tired
And then my eyeballs burn
My mouth is open
And then my tongue is dry
Im hyperventilating
And then i feel to faint
My body is exhausted from no sleep
Dehydrated without liquids
Weak without food
And this appetite that disappears only comes when im forced to swallow the anxiety; as i try to run away from it
Im shaky
I feel my legs are going to give out
I thought i got stronger
But my mind only made me weaker
And now i have to learn how to function all over again
My heart is beating so fast
I can hear it inside my ears
When my blood is boiling, my temperature rises
Im drenched in the sweat that got me choking on my own air
Through my lungs, i feel like everything has been blocked
It unblocks only when i open my mouth to hyperventilate
But then i swallow my own fears

The water is blinding me
The salt is burning me
My body is pouring out the liquids of pain
The stream is on my skin
Its exactly like rain
& then my head starts;
Blowing up like a balloon.
Its hurting so much
The pain from inside
The pain from water
Unstoppable weakness
Unstoppable pain
Redness in my eyes
Redness on my face
Burning in my eyes
Burning on my face
My body is so tired
My hands are so tired
From wiping away too many tears
& if i shut my eyes, more will fall
Im having trouble seeing
Im having trouble hearing
Im having trouble swallowing
Im having trouble breathing
My fear within
My weakness within
My pain within
Is causing my lids to swell
My tears wont stop falling
I cannot control these swollen eyes

It will pass; there is nothing to worry about
No doctor necessary
And theres no time to go out
One week of headache,
One bottle of pills
One day hot,
One day the chills
Some days vomiting
Some days dizzy
Somedays chest pain
Some days the stomach is cramping
Some days heartache
Some days are hurting
Some days feared
Some days are boring
Some days worrying
Other days fine
Some days serious
Other days to cry
One day healthy
One day in pain
One day is ok
One day its starts all over again
Months to wait for results
Hours of sleeping in bed
Days of trying to get better
Minutes of hoping its all in the head
Now the days with no energy
Now the days feeling weak
Now the days with no motivation
Now the days only to sleep
Day by day trying
Day by day suffering
Day by day anxiety
Day by day its exhausting
Slowly the strength breaks
Slowly the hopes drop
Slowly the body collapses
Then thats when the heart stops

-miss u mom ❤️

My heart is racing
My breathing is getting heavier
My tears keep falling
My head is pounding
My eyes are tricking me
My mouth is dry
My ears are ringing
My body temperature is cool
& suddenly im getting hot flashes
I burn up & sweat
Then I cool down
And I go numb
Im suddenly in shock
Unable to believe
Im very still
Unable to move
Im scared to turn and walk out the door
I dont want to be followed
And I dont want to be the victim
I cannot control myself for believing
I cannot control myself from being helpless
I cannot control myself from being naïve
I cannot control myself from seeing
I cannot control myself from hearing
I cannot control myself from being scared
Scared of life
Scared of the darkness
..Scared of my mind
Scared of myself

I feel frozen inside
My body froze over when i knew i couldnt hide
I feel hot inside
My heart burned when there was anger inside that made the flames grow
I feel numb inside
My body lost feeling from a sudden shock to my veins
I feel dizzy inside
My head spins as i try to hold before i fall
I feel broken inside
My body falls when my bones shift to pieces
I feel anxious inside
My lungs collapse when there is weakness in my chest
I feel anger inside
My body shakes as my nerves get tangled
I feel hyperventilation inside
My stomach turns as the waves inside push me down
I feel confused inside
My eyes are crossing as i get lost and cannot see
I feel depressed inside
My moodswings wont stop changing and messing with my mind
I feel scared inside
All my fears block me from moving, and so i feel trapped inside;
I trapped myself by losing control

Its back
I feel it
It found me
Is it really going going to destroy me again
Break me again
I thought my fears left forever
I guess it was a lie
Now i sit, and lay down to cry
Why is this happening again
I dont understand
My enemy is back
And this time it wants revenge
I made sure it was gone
I made sure it was done
And i was so sure the stranger had disappeared forever
I was wrong
It only lightened
Now the darkness is back again
And now im blind once again
I thought it was over
And it only left me alone for a little while to allow myself to finally breathe;
To finally find myself
Now my breath is stolen once again
I need to try to breathe on my own once again
And i know im going to struggle once again
Why is this pain back?
Im being abused again
Now i need something stronger to help me fight once again
The changes are so intense,
& im so confused
My mind is exhausted
My body, again being used
Because im chained once again
And forced to swallow the key
Its all beginning again
I have to fight again
Fight the enemy; its me
Where do i stand,
Because im falling again
The pain,
Its back
Now im wondering,
Is my mind going against what was helping me?

The sun goes down, and then my body falls
The sky is dark with no light, and my head repeats
The clouds become heavy, and then so does my heart
The wind gets stronger, and then my nightmares want to race
The thunder is loud, and so my screams follow
The lightning strikes, now my veins are shot
Darkness is where i stay
And then im being dragged down to the ground
My weakness is approaching;
I have no more strength
My power has been ****** out of me and now im tired
My energy is drained;
My body is frozen once again
The only strength i have is a voice,
But noone can hear my screams
Im used to all the *******
People talk
People judge
Talking spreads
Judging hurts
Inside i laugh
Inside i hide
Im silent
Im cautious
And if im seen with water on my eyes
will i trick them into thinking its not my tears
And if i look in the mirror outside the storm, am i tricking myself too?
I cannot see anymore
What is real
What is fake
What is right
And what is a mistake
Once a storm, always a storm
The reflection of my mind, body, and soul;
The storm is my shadow
The sun goes down as i fall
The sky becomes dark when im depressed
The clouds become heavy when my heart is broken
The wind gets stronger as my nightmares become severe
The thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the lightning strikes as i strike myself and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears

A dark cloud appears above my head.
The light has disappeared before my eyes.
& Im left in the darkness;
Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to hide.
All Im hearing is thunder;
It starts to call my name.
The lightning blinds me suddenly as I try to escape.
Im so lost;
& dont know what to do.
Im so confused;
& dont know how to respond.
Im so scared;
& dont know how to behave.
Dark clouds keep coming my way.
Thunder tries to turn me deaf.
Lightning tries to blind me.
I dont wanna be followed anymore.
I dont wanna be chased anymore.
I dont wanna be seen anymore.
& then it starts pouring;
The water drowns me slowly;
Because the force is too strong.
& I cannot keep myself up.
The blue happy sky felt all my pain;
& so it turned its happiness into depression,
Black & dark;
As it cries & tries to water all the problems away.

I cried a million times to think that i had no more energy to push out the tears
But now im thinking twice because i feel it all over again
Im getting drained once again
I feel my heart pounding like before
I cant accept what i wanted to be unreal
I cant push away what the images are showing me
I appear alone
I appear alone with the door closed
Not only closed; but locked with an invisible key
As i lay down, the weight chokes me
Just forcing myself not to breathe; i cant think anymore
I feel a set of invisible hands strangle me as i lose control
I cant continue to think, when its making me worse
I close my eyes to try to remember how to breathe
Then suddenly i feel a wave of anxiety hit me
The fears find me,
My memories say hi to me
The past; that haunts me
I cant control whats happening
I cant control what stays
I cant control what visits me
I just cant control these emotions that remain
Lying here, feeling small
Feeling like i have no voice
I cant breathe; its just hard to breathe
Now my eyes cant see
On my back i hyperventilate,
On my back im choking
The weight is on top of me and now im trying to break free
Turning over, trying to catch my breath
I cannot escape from this feeling
My hands are so shaky as i try to gain strength to squeeze whats under my head
I thought that if i move i would erase all my thoughts
But its the same; if not worse
I feel my face all wet
Wet, from my eyes that i couldnt control
I tried to be strong one last time but i failed
Its pointless for the pain to just go away
I tried to burry my thoughts
I tried to burry my fears
But i buried my face to try to forget
But im only releasing my tears..

The noise of thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the blinking lights of lightning strikes at my body; and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears
I like the thunder;
It hides my anger
I like the lighting;
It hides my scars
I stand under the clouds that was pulled from my mind
I  voiced the thunder that my ears had to find
I walk through the lightning that was made with a knife
I run through the rain that was made from my eyes

You saw the impatience of my body,
waiting for you to make your move
I saw your hands ready to rip me out of my clothes; and cover me with your skin

You finally appeared on my neck, suffocating me while my skin was in between your teeth
I saw my breath leave my body, then felt my scream squeeze through my lungs
It was only the beginning, and you already left me marked up
I saw your tongue act like a magnet; stuck to my skin
Dragging yourself lower,
You found your way below my waist
Your hands became handcuffs; ready to see me squirm

My lower lips were burning from all that pleasure your mouth gave
and your tongue vibrated more heat inside my body
Your fingers thrusting hard, you wanted to see how hot i was inside
I couldn’t wait anymore
I wanted your other thermometer to come in and hide
I felt the burning on my skin and in my body
You left me to grab a remedy to beat the heat
Then suddenly I felt a cold sensation
You shocked my body with a piece of ice
You wanted me to go insane;
I wanted more of your pleasure you bring
I couldn’t handle the thrill
My legs kept shaking; you couldn’t keep me still
You melted the ice all over me
I was drenched with your saliva & ice
I continued to scream
The blood flow turned my face a different colour
while you felt that fire inside of me
I finally strapped you down to my body with my legs wrapped around you
making sure you fix every leak inside me
Until I pour

My heart kept racing
My fast breathing dried my throat, tongue and mouth as I felt a sensation take over my body
I began to shake, holding onto your skin with my nails
I gripped your body, pulling you closer to make sure you don’t stop
I love having my lower lips choke you, as you give me that big release

Eyes wide open,
My eyes never tire out.
It suddenly startles me,
when the light goes down.
Unable to shut my eyes,
Unable to fall asleep.
Unable to finally wear off,
Unable to be in peace.
Im just in disturbia when the night approaches;
Insomnia when I try to sleep.
Silence is getting noisy;
The darkness is what scares me.
My nightmares haunt me all night;
My body just jerks with fear.
My nerves are just shot;
Everything is just so unclear.
Im just so overtired;
That I dont even feel exhausted.
Im just so out of it;
My sleep habits are forever melted.
Im so woken up from the darkness;
& so restless from being up.
Im so sick & tired of trying to overcome my fears;
I just feel so locked up.
& everytime I try to close my eyes;
My body jerks reminding me not to pass out;
& every night Im losing sleep;
But I can never turn the lights out.
& its just insomnia keeping my eyes busy on a lookout;
& its just all in my head;
But Ill never get over the fear;
No matter how much I shout.
So Im awake when my alarm starts;
Im awake all night long.
To suffer with patience for the day to come;
Because when I try to fight my fear,
Im just not that strong.

I wanted to find the proper answers
My questions still remain unanswered
My prayers were left open with no responses
Now my tears drown me forever
I went on my knees everyday questioning if there was another way
To change it all
To fix it all
To heal it all
But the time was small
I didnt know what it actually meant when i had to hide
I didnt know what it actually meant when i felt my soul die
I didnt know what it actually meant when i finally opened my eyes
I didnt know what it actually meant when i realized the truth wasnt a lie
Now it was the time i searched you but i couldnt see
Now it was the time i tried to talk to you but i couldnt speak
Now it was the time to try to hear you but i couldnt hear
Now it was the time to reach out to you but you were forced to disappear
I knew it was that time
That time for me to cry
That time to close your eyes
That time to say goodbye

Its gone really deep into my skin;
As it tears away at my clothes.
It just threatens my body.
Im bruising from the pinches that are pierced within me
They appear almost everywhere on my body.
Im not free from being trapped under;
From being held down.
The force & strength of this creature is getting stronger.
I've been pierced & scratched with nails,
That leave red marks all over my body.
& because I allow it to push me around,
I just give my body away.
So Im thrown from the wall to the ground
Thrown from the ground to the bed
Now he has me in chains
Now he has me controlled
Now hes more aggressive than before
The knife is your hand
The pinches were your hickeys
The nails were your fingers,
Which your nails dig deep inside my skin
So the creature is you
You that has taken me
You that has controlled me
You that has sexed me;
And made me ******.

I wanna feel your lips.
I wanna feel your teeth;
My neck is naked without your face on me.
Breathe on me.
I wanna feel you close.
I wanna feel your energy.
I wanna feel your body.
Lie me down with force.
Im bidding for us to play a game.
Let us play with eachother physically;
Because mentally Im already playing with you with my eyes.
Let us tear each other’s clothes, & undo our souls.
Let us escape into the darkness, & dance under the sheets.
I crave you.
My body is hungry for you.
Im dehydrated,
And you need to quench my thirst.
Im unrestrained;
When you try to have a hold on me.
Your beatings break me.
They break everything but my heart;
And it is strong from our energy.
I tackle you,
As you tackle me.
Then as you tighten your hands around my wrists,
You slowly enter me
As the speed gets intense,
I dont want you to slow down; nor stop.
Our breathing gets harder.
Our hearts pump faster at the same speed as one another.
You make me scream louder.
Its impossible to stop our actions.
You leave my neck bruised from your mouth.
I leave your back bleeding with the scratches from my nails.
We make the bed smash the wall,
As we continue to dance between the sheets.
You seductively ***** me;
& then we were sexually torn.

Things can make you impatient to the point where you throw them
The time can make you stressed to the point where you become late
People can make you angry to the point where you hurt them
But nothing & noone makes you insane from just one thing;  just one person
Your mind can break you to the point where you go insane
So those things, and people that you deal with, are just temporary fixes
The one that stays forever,
Is the one behind your skin
Behind the skin is a heart, bones, the mind, & soul,
Its the face when you look in the mirror
Its the enemy that will never go