I lived with weakness
I lived with fear
I lived with anxiety
I wanted it all to disappear
I lived angry
I lived depressed
I lived violent
My head was always a mess
I lived with nightmares
I lived with evil
I lived with darkness
I couldnt talk to people
I lived tortured
I lived scared
I lived negative
I lived intoxicating
I lived bruising
I lived bleeding
I chose to abuse me
I lived fighting
I lived crying
I lived screaming
Felt like i was dying
I already sat and drank
I already lay down to cry
I already ran and screamed
I already heard and saw all the lies
I already fought evil
I already played with my fears
I already battled my nightmares
But then i had to face the mirror
I already struggled to breathe
I already felt all the moods squeezing my body
I already made myself bleed
And all the memories are still with me
I went through it all
I felt it all
I witnessed it all
And now i numbed it all
I got comfortable with the pain

The beginning of a soft kiss always turns into something more
The soft touch is deceiving;
It turns into a bite
That bite leaves you marked until his hands begin to
tickle down your body
A tickle turns into a grab
That grab hold you until he undresses you aggressively
His aggressiveness takes control with a push on the bed
His push allows you to crave
whats next,
but he makes you wait
His hands lock you tight;
That tightness made sure you didn’t move
He wanted all that energy, all that control
Then he got rough as he entered your cave
Trying to breathe, the pulling of your hair;
slightly cuts off the air and you struggle  to scream
That pulling turned to squeezing;
his hands around your neck
as he goes deeper; as he went harder
He finally hurts you internally
…That beautiful pain;
Lets do that soft kiss again

Painted with a smile;
My frown is whats permanent.
Painted with strength;
My weakness is whats permanent.
Painted with happiness;
My depression is whats permanent.
Painted with beauty;
My ugliness is whats permanent.
Painted with sober;
Drunkenness is whats permanent.
Painted with stability;
My dizziness is whats permanent.
Painted with relaxation;
Nervousness is whats permanent.
Painted with ease;
Stress & anxiety is whats permanent.
Painted with a map in my hands;
Confusion is whats permanent.
Painted myself all over again;
But how I look,
How I act,
How I express myself;
Is whats permanent.

Something is piercing me
Something is stripping me
My skin is learning to stretch
My bones are moving
My veins are snapping
And i dont know whats happening
My body cant take the sudden change
Is this real or is this a game
What is my body trying to do
My mind is taking over once again
Im feeling my blood boiling
It wants to move
And i dont know what this means
I don't know what to do
As i try to see i go blind
As i try to hear i go deaf
As a try to breathe i choke
As a try to speak i go mute
So how can i explain the pain
Theres only one way
What is a paintbrush and how does it work
What is a picture and how do i draw
Why cant i speak
Why cant i give my story
So now these tears i cry
Now its really hard to explain
And as i try,
My blood boils
As i try to speak,
My veins pull me down
My body is telling me not to speak
My mind is in control now
I close my eyes
And i see the memories
I close my eyes and i paint them with tears inside
But i cannot speak,
I cannot breathe
My hands are mobile
My body is able to move
Now i squeeze my brain,
I squeeze my body
Now i squeeze my skin
I squeeze my heart
Now i pierce my skin
I pierce my soul
The red liquid forced itself out of me
My body is drained
My body is weak
I paint to explain the pain

Across my body, i have an overlayer of mistakes
Im trying to dig out all my problems
Im trying to bleed out all my worries
Im trying to squeeze out all my fears
But instead i cleaned out all my strength
I developed a habit that i cannot put to rest
Im just wanting to pretend that I cant feel all the hurt
But i think about the pain that put me in the middle of the darkness
I inhaled the dangers of my curious thoughts
In the end i got trapped in my own web
And then i was like a spider;
Trying to escape what fears me
Everything is so much bigger than me
But my body is small because i shrunk myself and hid from it all
Then suddenly i couldnt help myself
I got crushed and i lost myself
Deep inside my body, i broke my own bones
The scars that appeared had me covered with my regrets
Now i peel off my guilt,
I bleed all over agan

I feel that I need to ask to live my life
I feel that I need to ask to do what I want
I feel that I need to ask to go where I want
I feel that I need to ask to be the person I want to be
I feel that I need to ask for my own space
I feel that I need to ask for forgiveness; even though I've done nothing wrong
I feel that I need to ask to speak
I feel that I need to ask to see
I feel that I need to ask questions
I feel that I need to obey all the rules
I feel that I need to be fake to certain people
I feel that Im being watched
I feel that Im being spied on
I feel that Im being threatened
I feel that Im being judged
I feel that Im being yelled at too many times
I feel that Im a prisoner
I feel that Im a puppet on strings
I feel that Im a dog on a tight, strict leash
I feel that Im a butterfly without her wings
I feel that Im a monkey in a cage; waiting to be unleashed
i feel the need to tell people off
I feel the need to get revenge
I feel the need to defend myself
I feel the need to yell back
I feel the need to confront certain people
I feel the need to hospitalize myself...
Because I dont think Im allowed to breathe

Piano

Just take it slow.
Lightly press my keys.
My voice isnt powerful until this song is near the end.
Its a *** piece that you have to create
Undress me;
The cover is my clothing you rip off from my body.
Start playing me; Start releasing sounds from my mouth.
I want you to play me from top to bottom.
I want my silence to turn to sounds.
& then my moans will reach the top of my lungs when you continue to play.
Play me with your tongue,
Play me with your hands.
I want the sweat to rise above me;
Acting like notes in the air,
As you perform this piece of music.
My body is your instrument;
Play me soft.
Play me rough.
Play me hard.
Your hands control me.
Your body puts pressure on me.
Your ears control how loud you want me to go.
Control me in different ways.
Control me in different speeds.
Control me with different sounds.
My legs arent able to move.
My body isnt able to move.
Maestro in a naked suit;
Your my composer.
Your my conductor.
Your my teacher.
But we are each other’s entertainer.
But I have nowhere to go
Only in your hands,
I will stay.
Only in your hands,
I will obey.
Only in your hands,
You shall play.
Each key has a word.
Each word has a meaning.
Each meaning will be the performance I want you to play.
So read what I put in front of you
Read the Kamasutra
Read the notes all over me
I want you to play them on my body
So in between the keys of A to G,
I want you to F me.

Its slow but will be fast
Im beginning to feel weak inside myself
I feel like im tearing apart
And so the blades have appeared inside my life once again
Undoing my strength,
I have no more courage
Im so afraid to step ahead,
When im being forced to stay behind
Memories fade,
But the ones that stay, hurts
Im being tortured
And im bleeding until i faint
Fears haunt,
But the ones that really hurt;
Make me cry until i drown
Moods have grown
But the ones that ruin me,
Are the ones that are dangerous to me and everyone else
My breathing is changing on me
And when i hyperventilate;
It continues till i fall to the ground
Piece by piece im failing
One piece at a time
Piece by piece im disappearing
Each piece is my body and mind
Its stripping me
Its tormenting me
Is this ever going to end
Its scaring me
Its hurting me
Each piece is going to bend
One piece at a time,
Each time is a negative outcome
One piece at a time,
Each time its coming off of me
Im slowly disappearing
These pieces from my body are tearing easily
And im in no control
Im slowly vanishing
These pieces one at a time;
And this time is speeding up
Soon ill be gone
Soon ill be forgotten
One piece to scream
One piece to cry
One piece to have anger
One piece to hyperventilate
One piece is my eye;
I cannot see
One piece is my nose;
I cannot breathe
One piece is my mouth;
I cannot speak
One piece is my ears;
I cannot hear
2 pieces of my arms;
I cannot reach
2 pieces of my legs;
I cannot run away
3 pieces of my mind, body, and soul
Now my pieces are scattered on the floor
Like an impossible puzzle,
I cannot put myself back together again

I broke myself and got shattered;
To see where the pieces would land
As i kept my eyes opened,
I eventually went blind to everything
I couldnt stop the force,
From my mind to my hands
I hated everything & everyone
I just wanted to disappear
I couldnt control what i felt
But I controlled what i wanted to be
It wasnt right;
Its still not right
My mind still has a hold on me
Im still inside the cage that i once built inside my nightmares
Im still in between walls that i built with my eyes closed
I couldnt break the cage
I couldnt tear down the walls
But i could only put up mirrors to always see myself fall
And when i fell, i broke my bones
I broke the bones that made me run
Now i cannot even run away from my fears
I cannot run away from whats been undone
Struggling to breathe
Thats when i start choke
My hands try to uncover invisible ropes that cut off the air between my throat
Each thought,
I think of doing
Each fear,
I hope of disappearing
Each action
I try to fight
Each tear
That i cry every night
The pieces that got bent were struggling to stay together
The pieces that broke were all the positive ones
The pieces that got shattered were the ones that i kept dreaming
The pieces that fell down were the ones who were weak
The pieces that i found;
It was too late to put them back together;
And so inside these pieces were mirrors,
I saw myself completely broken

Do you ever just try and give up on taking that hard,
tasteless candy that controls your mind
You want to stop just to see if you can control yourself
with nothing stabilizing your insides
But then those withdrawals of being calm;
To feel life again, & not to be numb
But then you know its fake;
The good behaviour, & no more mistakes
The anxiety; gone, the moodswings went calm
The self conscious had been forgotten about,
& no more of the addiction to self-harm
Those worries within, & those darkest fears
No more love for being alone, & no more nightmares
I saw what that tasteless candy can do
It made me change, & unlocked my room
The mind has been ruined, tortured & abused
The heart has been broken, thrown around, & used
Even though the high milligrams corrected my mind
I wasn’t the one who actually changed myself inside

Do you ever just try and give up on taking that hard,
tasteless candy that controls your mind
You want to stop just to see if you can control yourself
with nothing stabilizing your insides
But then those withdrawals of being calm;
To feel life again, & not to be numb
But then you know its fake;
The good behaviour, & no more mistakes
The anxiety; gone, the moodswings went calm
The self conscious had been forgotten about,
& no more of the addiction to self-harm
Those worries within, & those darkest fears
No more love for being alone, & no more nightmares
I saw what that tasteless candy can do
It made me change, & unlocked my room
The mind has been ruined, tortured & abused
The heart has been broken, thrown around, & used
Even though the high milligrams corrected my mind
I wasn’t the one who actually changed myself inside

You watched every letter that was pieced together into words
You read every word that was placed into sentences
You remembered every sentence that was placed into a poem
But you never watched what you read about remembering to credit the poem of another; crediting & impersonating someone you wish to be
Instead you credit the arts of a corrupted writer,
& a false poet

Play the moments
Over and over they rewind in my head
Over and over i want them to come back
Pause the memories
I stop and think and see everything that used to be perfect
Everyday is a question that can never be answered
Stop the pain
I couldnt do it anymore
I couldnt deal with it anymore
I couldnt **** myself anymore
I had stopped myself from suffering with a new start at life
Refresh the happiness
Pushing the weakness away,
I grew so strong
Pushing the evil away,
I survived all my fears
Pushing the devil away,
My soul is safe
Everything is starting to finally make sense

You motivated me to pray to you.
You motivated me to love you.
You motivated me to talk to you.
You motivated me to go to your house.
You motivated me to listen to you.
You motivated me to be good.
You motivated me to ask you for forgiveness.
You motivated me to see life.
& from time to time, I noticed you were slacking off.
& from time to time, I noticed you were getting me confused.
& from time to time, I noticed you were playing with my head.
& I prayed to you since I was just a little girl.
& I thought I could trust you.
& I thought I could depend on you.
& then It all went down the drain when her heart started to weaken.
Never in my life would I have thought this would happen.
I know you witnessed me pray the minute she was sick.
I know you witnessed my tears run down my face.
I know you witnessed me curse.
I know you witnessed me going crazy.
I know you witnessed me stress out.
& now you witness me a mess.
God you have made me see the worst Ive ever seen in my life.
God you have created a big disaster in my life.
& because of that disaster,
You took half my heart.
& half my heart is the piece I cant live without.
& the piece I cannot live without,
Is the body you put to rest.
& the body you put to rest,
Had no reason to leave me.
& I dont wanna put my hands together no more;
Because you made me pull them apart.
You made me witness her suffering.
My eyes witnessed her spirit being taken away.
& now I witness an empty room,
An empty chair,
An empty couch,
An empty seat,
An empty bed,
An empty floor,
& my empty eyes;
Because I cannot see what used to be here.

I pretended like i was a fortune teller,
because i was used to the negativity that happened all around me
For years, i never prepared for the worst,
but i prepared my emotions
I trained my mind to accept what was
thrown at me
And then i trained my body to accept what was harming me.

I got anxiety before things happened
I cried before i knew what would make me sad
I got angry before i knew what would upset me
I became bruised before i was hurt inside
I bled before my skin was cut
I fought before a fight was started
I fell before i ran

I hyperventilated before the anxiety
I poured out tears before i could cry
I screamed before i could get angry
I was marked before i could get bruised
I drowned in my blood before i could bleed
I lost a fight before i could battle myself
I broke before i could catch my fall

I was already immune to the darkness, because i never saw the light
I was already immune to the pain, because i knew what always harmed me
I was already immune to myself,
because im the reason i was prepared

I saw all the colours fade
They faded into grey
They faded into black
And then i saw beautiful flowers trying to replace a beautiful soul
And nothing can replace another broken soul
I watched every second
I cried every second
I wished every second for the weakness to be gone
I often wondered why, but God gave me no answer
I often asked multiple questions, but
God ignored every single one of them
Nothing was cured
Not even my heart
Nothing was done
Not even a miracle
The prayers that got delivered, are still locked up in my brain
But then i often thought about what could have been prevented if the devil hadnt stepped in
Her days were getting short,
And i saw a bed being made up above
I dreamt of a queen but i never knew who
Until the day came
Until there was nothing left to do
Why take such an innocent soul
Why take such a beautiful face
Why rob the family of happiness
Why make such a terrible mistake
A sleeping beauty that never woke up,
Everything was done
And left us in shock
There was a new place to hold her
To place her body
To keep her
From his hands to her wings
They gained an angel
But we lost a queen

*dedicated to my mother i miss and love u so much

Pushed into struggling
Im not ready
Blood is boiling
Im feverish
Nerves are shaking
Im sweating
Struggling;
Im failing
My blood is escaping
My nerves are snapping
My body is getting shocked
Struggling
And failing
My blood is leading to a head rush
My nerves have been broken
My body is struck
I have failed
My blood is in puddles
My nerves have had enough
My body is heated
Im hyperventilating
Its too much
Too much to think
Too much to do
Too much to say
Im getting anxiety
My heart is pounding hard
Through my chest,
Its moving
My pulse is speeding
Im shaking
Im trembling
Unfocused,
I cannot be still
Unsettled,
Worried with fear
My face is red
My skin is blue
I feel like im being choked,
Because i cannot breathe anymore

Sitting alone waiting
Waiting for it all to change
The nightmares are scary
And my fears are dangerous to me
I look back to the past and i try to erase the pain
But its all permanent; the scars are all over my body and mind
I stitched myself together so i wont fall apart again
I was bleeding from the inside out and it started through a hole in my heart
When that hole got bigger i just decided to rip it out
The big hole in my chest welcomed darkness inside my body
Inside im turned around to face the mirror
The mirror that showed me a stranger that i didnt know
Inside im turned upside down to face the ground
The ground that holds me because i cannot lift myself up
Inside i break
I break into pieces
My mind broke my body and im forced to put myself back together again
As i reach, i finally touch the broken bits
But i cut myself deep
Its all sharp to put it all back the way it was
Sharp like a knife;
But then i didnt mind
I accepted the pain
And then i got an addiction from bleeding through my skin
I suddenly felt all dizziness
And then i gave up on looking
I suddenly felt the calmness
And suddenly i lay down to forget it all
I never ended up picking up the pieces
The pieces that were broken from my mind
I feel so brainwashed
And i cannot remember who i was

I learned to quench my thirst with a drink that also quenched my fears
I learned to quench my fears with a drink that also quenched my moods
I learned to quench my moods with a drink that also quenched my anxiety
I learned to quench my anxiety with a drink that also quenched my depression
I learned to quench my depression with a drink that also quenched my mind
my mind was quenched for trying to forget but now the alcohol is done

I held on to what feared me for too long
Now i wanna leave; i wanna let go
My strength was taken and is still locked away
My weakness became weaker and im still searching a way to run and break free
I had enough of what tortured me;
My mind that overpowered me
I had enough of the pain that ruined me;
My soul that slowly finished me
I wanted no more abusing;
Myself that was always bleeding
I drowned and it wasnt from water
My tears were bringing me down
I ran but i wasnt being chased
My heart was racing from the worry
I choked and it wasnt from eating
My hands wrapped around my own throat
I stopped breathing and i dont have asthma
I hyperventilated from no control
I bled and it wasnt an accident
I was an owner of a razor
How do i undo this
How can i redo this
I searched for the key for years;
To unlock what i locked up that hid all my fears
All the pain
And all the wounds
All the scars
And all the bruises
All the fears
And all the nightmares
All the worry
And all the panic
All anger
And all the sadness
All the memories
And all the suffering
All the closure
And all the darkness
It needs to end

I thought all the negativity had been erased
Until i realized i was wrong
When it hit me suddenly,
I fell down to the ground
The disappearance of it all,
Allowed me to breathe again
But when it all came back to haunt me,
I felt myself choking again
The air that i had inside me, all sneaked away
My lungs became black
My heart became slow
My bones became brittle
My body became weak
It all became silent
I thought everything was dead
Then soon I realized,
It was all in my head
The truth was that it was sleeping,
And then it entered in my dreams
When my dreams were blank,
It weakened my hopes.
Now these dreams changed into nightmares of terror
I suddenly couldnt breathe again
My heart pumped hard again
My mind was forced to harm again
And then my hands wrapped around my own throat
This is happening again
The anxiety
The anger
The depression
The hyperventilation
The harm
The negativity
Im forced to turn around
My back against the mirror
I thought the mirror broke,
But those pieces were hidden inside its own reflection
I looked through the mirror a thousand times
Always hoping the past would change its mind
And then ran through the future with fear
Now in the present, everything had reappeared
I wasnt answered truthfully
My heart was naive happily
Now my tears had dried up inside
Now my eyes continue to cry
This is so unexpected
Why was i lied to?
Why was i tricked?
My mind has all the answers
My mind has all the secrets
But my heart is not allowed to hear
& even though they're in the same body,
They are so far apart
They have grown apart to hate eachother
I will never understand why two pieces have broken apart
Now i feel myself breathing,
But its too fast
Now i feel myself speaking,
But i stutter
Now i feel myself listening
But theres static
Now i feel myself seeing,
But everything is a blur
Now i feel myself feeling,
But im getting hurt
Its all back
I give up on trying to fight again

My lipstick disappeared and rubbed on his lips
while his hands invited themselves underneath my clothes
I felt the pinches made from his mouth
He left his marks all over my neck
I bled inside, and it showed on my skin
He grabbed those bright furry bracelets, then placed them on me
Tighten them on my wrists, then climbed on top of my body
I felt a strong pull below my waist
There was only visible piece of cloth that stayed
The sparkly red string put me in danger
He used all his strength so that I screamed louder
My coloured nails dug into his back
The marks that matched my neck,
the cuffs,
the string,
and my nails got intense
once we both couldn’t take no more

Red lines,
They mark up one big object.
Red lines,
They drip red liquid.
Red lines,
They leave a big mess.
Red lines,
They manipulate a soft surface.
Red lines,
They tear apart the strength.
Red lines,
It pierces because of pressure.
Red lines,
The arm is the object.
Red lines,
The red liquid is blood.
Red lines,
The mess is the scratches.
Red lines,
The soft surface is the skin.
Red lines,
The strength was replaced with weakness & dizziness.
Red lines,
The pressure was depression.
These red lines will never leave the body.
Because happiness will never be welcomed into the soul.

I want to unwind
I want to change it all
I want to make myself over
I want to un fall
Forget how i look
Forget how i sound
Forget how i move
Forget that im standing on ground
Remove my fears
Remove my attitude
Remove my negativity
And make myself new
Stop my anxiety
Stop my moods
Stop my hyperventilation
Stop everything that needs to undo
Erase what i am
Erase everything within me
Erase who i am
Erase myself completely
Paint myself new
I wanna recent copy
Paint my own picture
Of how i need myself to be

I ran out of ink;
Thats when it all became the reality
I was full of life but then i erased all my pages
The paper is blank now
And now i write the feelings of a broken soul
Painful words
Harmful thoughts
Emotionally abused
And the tears I purposely made drop
I ****** out the ink to replace it with blood
Im torn
Im hurt
I bleed
My bruises are black
My scars are forever
My cuts are still open
I never got mentally better
I speak through a book where my cover is a secret
Inside im damaged
Inside im shattered
My vocal cords dont want to work
My tongue gets twisted each time i try to say a word
Im unable to speak
So through silence,
Im forced to harm whats already harmed
I hurt whats already hurt
I pierce whats already pierced
I damage whats already damaged
I tear away whats already torn
I throw whats already thrown
Now im down on the ground still unable to speak
My mind forces me not to reveal the punctured heart
The visible appearance thats allowed is through the body;
Through the bones
Through the veins
And through the skin
I write the chapters of my life
And the tool that i use is a knife

I can zone out for hours and pretend that im ok
Until im shaken, im frozen
Until im moved, im still
Until im screamed at, my worries remain
I still think of those cuts made from a razer and a knife
I still think of those times when i wanted fight
I cannot forget those times i loved being alone
I cannot forget those times i loved my door closed
Privacy wasnt spoken about; i gave noone a choice
I shut the blinds before a stranger
I closed the window in front of my friends
I slammed my door on loved ones
And i welcomed my enemy that brainwashed my head
When i screamed, i harmed my voice
When i cried, i harmed my eyes
When i hyperventilated, i harmed my lungs
But when my thoughts didnt make sense, my brain was fine
Not understanding what hurt me but i remember how it ruined me
I was fragile when my strength was taken
Then my power was only inside my head
I remember who i hurt
I forgot who i was
I remember who i ignored
I forgot the person that i lost
I only knew fears, loneliness and bleeding pain
Deep down i tried to find a shield, a perfect stranger, and a bandaid

A mind is so twisted, that it made you reminisce those times
that made you go crazy behind a door
Those times it made you pick up a razor and have you beg for more
Those times it forced the tears that made you drown
And the times it poisoned you with alcohol that made you fall to the ground
Making you reminisce, you loved the darkness
You got used to the anxiety, the moodwings, & the craving for being restless
Forced you to reminisce those times you locked yourself in your room
And when your friends called, you lied and said you had **** to do
Mind so very twisted, you hid all the damage it made you do
It even made you reminisce itself
It turned you into something you cant undo

Screaming
She doesnt know
Angry
Because shes spoiled
Crying
Because mommy is in the shower and left her all alone
Hurting
Her little cousin
Scared
Of the dark
Screaming
Just leave me alone
Angry
I can do what i want
Crying
Mommy is in the hospital and left me all alone
Hurting
Herself
Scared
Of the darkness that started inside her
Screaming
Theres no control
Angry
Everything is being thrown
Crying
Mommy was taken away forever and left me alone
Hurting
Herself deeply
Scared
Of the sickness that will forever stay

I replaced my happiness with tears,
Fallen out of my body as the memories never fade
I replaced my peace with hyperventilation,
Bringing my fears closer from worry
I replaced my door with a lock,
Closing myself inside these walls
I replaced my reflection with a shattered mirror,
I broke myself completely
I replaced my dreams with nightmares,
I fear what im seeing
I replaced the light with darkness,
I dont know where im going
I replaced my words with silence,
I just dont want to explain the truth
I replaced my stability with imbalance,
Im not allowed to choose who i wanna be
I replaced my skin with blades,
Bleeding from the inside out
I replaced my strength with weakness,
I ****** the life right out of my system

Replaced my head with a stone;
Because Ive knocked myself out several times.
Replaced my bones with sticks & twigs;
Because Ive gained weakness.
Replaced my face with fire;
Because I kept trying to burn the mask.
Replaced my hair with water;
Because I kept drowning in my tears.
Replaced my arm with blades;
Because I kept hurting myself.
Replaced my feet with thorns;
Because I kept piercing my balance.
Replaced my hands with weights;
Because I kept falling.
Replaced my blood with alcohol;
Because I drank to forget.
Replaced my heart with glass;
Because I broke it in a million pieces.
Replaced myself with a stranger;
Because my old spirit has given up.

When i tried to walk, i fell
When i tried to breathe, i choked
When i tried to speak, i was strangled
When i tried to hear, my ears rang
When i tried to see, my vision went blurry
When i tried to move, i chipped a piece of my body
Stored as an object,
I used myself for punishment
Stored as a toy,
I played with my fears
Stored as a robot,
I was controlled by my mind
Slowly i broke
Quickly i became different
Slowly i was accepting what was hidden deep inside me
Quickly i just had to escape from myself
My mind was strong
My heart was weak
My mind was manipulative
My heart was naive
I learned how to deal
But it was the dangerous way
I learned how to be calm
But it was a risk i had to take
I learned how to ignore
But in a way that noone noticed
I learned the way of evil
I learned a different way to appear
Days to weeks to months to years
Finally i had enough
It took many to convince me
It took one to finally change me
It took myself to break free
I killed the devil within me
Now i see
Now i breathe
Now i speak
Now i hear
Now i move
Now i run
Now i finally see the sun
Now im happy
Now im stable
Now im loving
Now im able
Now im free
Now i dont need help
Now i no longer abuse myself
Im one piece again

I raised that hand one more time
Not to say goodbye;
But to say hi
Hi to the skin that healed many years ago
Goodbye to the unmarked wrist that finally went unharmed
That shiny, silver thing wasn’t a pretty jewel, nor a diamond
It wasn’t a piece of jewelry, or accessory, and not a pretty belt
All of a sudden my mind breaks the rules;
targeting one more time
Making me weak,
and ******* up one last time
It was a pressure that I once felt
I revisited the past while in the present
I unlocked a door with the missing key
A key I threw away, to get rid of my anxiety
It wasn’t a shiny; beautiful key
wasn’t the colour gold; it was was black & *****
The darkness were thoughts racing through my mind
The dirtiness was blood making me pour from the inside
I wanted a release that I used to give dangerously
I craved a new pill that I have never seen
I thought I killed the past;
or at least laid it to rest
I thought I would never pick up this weapon again
Sometimes we are convinced we are ok
and that we are finally strong
Then our mind becomes our enemy once again and proves us wrong

A kiss can turn into something dangerous if its in the dark
A tongue is like an instructor, showing me how I need to start
You tear off my clothes, then grasp my hips
I rip off your shirt, then I made your jeans up-zip
Your lips met my body, marking up my skin
Your tongue showered me, then found its way in
Losing grip in my hands, but my legs choked you
I felt weak when I couldn’t stop you
The intensity made me squirm; I couldn’t breathe
Finally I felt your whole body on top of me
I was strapped to the bed, waiting for that
moment where I cant hold on
That moment you constantly use your lips, body, & tongue
You showed me something new in the mirror
You made me focus when you whispered your plan in my ear
When you start, I tell you not to stop
I knew how to yell, but you make me scream when you hit the spot
You made me feel that pleasure, and rolled my eyes back
Felt myself drowsy, dizzy, and relaxed

I wish I had gained feeling,
So I could have had all your pain.
I wish that I fell,
So you could have kept standing.
I wish I had distraction,
So you could have been focused.
I wish that I had headaches,
So you could have lost all yours.
I wish that I had gained weakness,
So you could have gained strength.
I wish that I had lost my voice,
So you could have spoken.
I wish that I had gone deaf,
So you could have heard.
I wish that I had lost my sight,
So you could have seen.
I wish that I had stopped breathing,
So you could have breathed.
I wish that I had listened to you,
So you could have made me understand.
I wish I hadn't yelled at you,
So you could have been stress-free.
I wish I didnt ignore you,
So you could have spoken to me.
I wish I had respected you better,
So you could have set me straight.
I wish I hadn't lied to you,
So you would have never had to worry.
I wish I did what you asked,
So you wouldnt have done it on your own.
I wish I had made you happy,
So you wouldnt have been down.
I wish I spoke to you nicer,
So you wouldnt have had to take my negative feedbacks.
I wish I hadnt pushed you away,
So you could have known all my problems.
I wish I told you everything,
So you could have pushed me down the right path.
I wish you had seen your daughters grow up,
So you wouldnt have had to miss anything.
Because now your gone,
Now your not here,
And I cannot stop crying.
I miss you,
I love you,
And I needed you;
But your no longer here.
I am now no longer strong anymore,
Because you were my strength.
And you were the other half of my heart.
But I know now, that your not suffering anymore;
& that your now with God.
Your in a better place now,
And your watching out for all of us.
I love you,
And I've always loved you.
You were the other half of me.
But I know even though I cannot see you,
Your always going to be with me.
And I cannot wait to see you again.
dedicated to my angel in heaven

To walk away from.
To turn my back on.
To ignore all.
I wanna leave everything,
& I want everything to leave me.
I wanna just walk out on everything.
To forget the past.
To forget what's going on.
& not think about the future.
I just want the wind to blow away all the problems,
All the fears,
All the mistakes,
& all the regrets.
I wanna close my eyes,
& end up in another world.
I cant handle patience.
I want everything to be over now,
& allow everything to escape.
I just feel the need to get away from the issues.
Im unable to solve everything.
Ive lost interest in trying to make things better.
Ive lost interest to put things back in place.
& being broken,
I wouldnt know where to start.
Im trying to focus.
Im trying to think.
But I cant.
Ive turned the light off in my head,
So I dont see anything.
The darkness hides what I dont wanna deal with.
I need to take myself away from here.
I need to leave.
I need to go far;
Far away to escape everything.
To lose myself;
To lose everything,
To forget everything.

My heart is racing
I cannot feel any beats
My breath is fast
Im starting to choke
& its my mind, body, and soul being chased
Im trying to escape,
But theres no way out
& everywhere i turn is a circle;
Its the same path that keeps the problems stuck to my side
How do i jump through a window,
Without falling
How do i start to escape,
Without myself finding me
How do i find a new path,
Without getting lost
How do i find a new door,
Without having to unlock it
This doesnt feel safe
Everything is sharp
This doesnt look safe
Everything is so dark
This doesnt sound safe
Im telling myself run
But i cannot hide
I just want to hide
My eyes are closed forever
Running scared
Running weak
Running worried
Running anxious
Running sad
Running angry
Fear is chasing me
Myself is chasing me
Why cant i breathe
Why cant i function
Why cant i stop
Everything is just controlling me
So someone please rescue me
Someone please open my eyes
I cannot rescue myself
Im so tired of running away

The heart that pounds
The breath that was lost
The weakness in the body
The blurriness in the eyes
The numbness in the hands
The headaches that wont leave
The sharp pain within the skin
The blindness in the eyes
The anger that was brought on
The anxiety that would carry on
The depression that wouldnt move on
The tears in the eyes
The reality that changed
The memories that wont fade
The nightmares that stayed
The fears that wont ever escape
The strength to move on
The thoughts that block the eyes
The darkness that forbids
The drowning in the night

It all started when that salty water from the eyes, creates its first tears;
making a skin damp that can quickly be wiped off
That damp skin turned wet when the tears became heavy
Its hard to quickly wipe now; there is more salt water burning my face
I felt a puddle, underneath my body
I thought a sadness passed, but I was stepping in my tears now
I stepped out of my puddle,
then fell into a river
I gasped for air from the thin layer of water that covered me
I felt like I was half drowned;
and that my strength broke from me
I figured out my anxiety, my anger & fears
I figured out my sadness, my moods & nightmares
Im actually sinking
because now I created an ocean,
and Im actually drowning
I never knew a drop of rain could turn into a drop of my body;
drowning purposely by me

I tried to rinse my face but it seems im not gonna change
I tried to rinse my weakness but strength doesnt wanna meet me
I tried to rinse my fears but they came back to scare me
I tried to rinse my problems but they came back to trouble me
I tried to rinse my anxiety but it came back to blow away my body
I tried to rinse my sorrow but the memories still remain
I tried to rinse my nightmares but they came back to haunt me
I tried to rinse my thoughts but the negativity keeps returning
I tried to rinse my steps but the past wont ever change
I tried to rinse my scars but i still see what i did
I tried to rinse the blood but my wounds wont ever close
I tried to rinse the bruises but the pain wants to stay
I tried to rinse my anger but i keep getting angry
I tried to rinse my bitterness but my heart keeps getting cold
I tried to rinse my emptiness but i keep getting unfilled and broken
I tried to rinse my sadness but the tears is what im using,
To try and wash everything away

These problems,
This drama,
Has made me crazy.
This life,
This world,
Has done everything but save me.
I use to see straight,
I use to see the light,
Now I see crooked,
And now I only see the night.
I've changed,
I've weakened,
I've brought myself to depression,
I've turned my back,
I've ended all happiness,
I've given the mirror no more attention.
The puddles on the floor,
Is not rain from the sky.
It is my water that falls;
Its the tears from my eyes.
I've been told to be strong,
When I know I can only be weak.
I've been told things would change for the better,
But Im seeing everything differently.
I keep telling myself things will be alright,
I keep telling myself things will turn out fine.
I keep telling myself I dont need to hide;
But Im only telling myself a bunch of lies.
I struggle.
I panic.
I worry.
I cry.
I tremble.
I fear.
I just want to die.
Im gasping for air,
My heart beats faster.
My fingers go numb,
My heads a disaster.
No matter how hard I push myself,
No matter what I do.
No matter how hard I try for myself,
I know I will never make it through.
Im scared to believe,
Im scared to breathe.
Im scared to live,
So I just want to leave.
The past is my present nightmares,
Which the future, it will haunt me.
The future will bring up my past,
But for now,
My present is severely destroying me.

Im unable to be free
Im unable to runaway
Im unable to hide
Im forced to obey
Im forced to allow;
To be tortured.
Forced to be made a fool
Forced to lose control
Forced to be weak
Physically, I appear a danger to myself.
I shut the door in front of my own face.
The floor is used for my body to be pushed down;
While I step all over myself.
I appear two-faced;
I behave when people are at my attention.
When noone is around,
I continue to disrespect myself.
My eyes are used to drowning in my tears.
My ears are used to be plugged with hands;
While I listen to negative comebacks,
It shoots my nerves.
My voice wares out form the anger I let out.
And so my breathing appears harsh;
Anxiety never leaves me.
I keep running,
And so Im chased.
I keep hiding,
And so Im found.
I try to smile,
And so I keep frowning.
I try to laugh,
And so I keep crying.
I try to be brave,
And so I appear fearful.
So hard to escape
So hard to defend
So hard to laugh
So easy to be trapped
So easy to be controlled
So easy to cry
My arms appear around my neck;
Strangled,
To stop the breathing.
My feet appear heavy like stones;
I trip myself when I try to walk.
And when I fall,
There is noone to catch me.
My hands dont break my fall anymore
No more strength to block whats hurting me.
& when I use self-mutilation,
My arm is covered in scratches.
My weapon is the knife.
I feel as if there is a stranger following me,
Just waiting to fight me.
Just waiting to hurt me.
I feel as if noones around to help me
Im always left alone to be abused & tortured
My heart can only pump faster
My breathing can only be harder
My anxiety can only get worse
My skin can only heal slower
My conscience can only be scarier;
Only because Im left to fear myself.
& so I will always be unsafe when noones around.

Mistakes were made, but never learned
My head was fuming, but it was my heart that got burned
My ears werent working, only towards my friends
My mouth kept talking, till it was the end
I saw what was happening with my eyes shut
My lungs were collapsed but i was able to scream
My bones were broken while the only thing that was strong was my heart
So much in shock, I thought i was dying, with no pain
Thought it was a nightmare but it was actually the truth
I was in complete darkness and the only light that i remembered was from the cop
I felt the cold air on my skin in the sky
And then my memory forwarded to when i felt so disabled
I woke up from the nightmare but i wasnt free
It was the middle of the nightmare
I was still trapped, then i questioned myself; why
I just felt like a broken doll; stitched and hoping i wont fall apart again
I couldnt talk
I was trying to express
And then a i learned that a pen was my voice;
But then my strength wasnt there
I tried but i failed; the paper was blank
I was just too weak to make the pen kiss its partner
I was so angry i couldnt speak
The tube blocked my every sound;
It was a time to remember to be in school again;
Raising my hand for attention when i was forced to be silent
When i finally breathed on my own, i felt my heart racing.
I just didnt know what was happening until they told me i will breathe slower
I didnt like this feeling, felt like i was hyperventilating
I still couldnt speak; i had to learn how to control it once again
My lungs were still weak
I wasnt alive until they came;
My family opened my eyes.
Then when i was alone, it all started again
And when the cast came off,
I saw the wounds that I purposely made before i crashed
I was already bleeding;
I remembered what else i have done to myself
And then i answered myself why
I knew exactly the reason why
Then my body appeared in another building of new faces
But my mind was at home
When will i be home? i questioned them everyday
Each answer changed
The frustrations i had,
The anger inside,
And the tears i had to hide
It was just so hard to believe i was in a chair with wheels
It was just so hard to believe i broke my own bones
It was so hard to believe i had to learn to walk again
It was even harder to believe that i heard what actually happened
A place to recover
A place to gain strength
But a place that made me forget how to smile
Full of anger
Full of bitterness
Full of hate
I just sat and wrote all my poems with a dark heart
When it was time to gain strength, i already succeeded
Not with the helpers
Not with the blind lady who helped me,
But my mind broke through it all
And then i got so annoyed;
That i was the one carrying the wheelchair
I knew i was ready
Even with the arm that failed me, it actually helped me
Even with the hip that failed me, it actually helped me
But then what made me fail forever was my mind that made me go wrong
I continued to stare at my cuts
And i still continue to stare at my scars
The guilt, the foolishness, the regret;
My every regret has a place on each of my tears
I cannot get these images out of my head
These flashbacks have made me gone crazy
The night that left me broken;
Im still broken with invisible stitches

What happens when your strong
And you keep yourself up
But what happens when you lose control and you appear to be cut
There was a monster who scared me
I wanted to run but it caught me
There was a darkness that closed me
I wanted to hide but it found me
There was a nightmare that terrified me
I wanted to wake up but my eyes wouldnt listen to me
There was a game that liked me
I didnt want to play but it forced me
There was anxiety that entered my body
I wanted to breathe but it choked me
There was depression that tricked me
I wanted to be happy but the sadness surrounded me
There was anger that covered me
I wanted to be calm but it tackled me
The monster was a tool that was used to fight me;
My innocence,
Taken
My mind turned against me
There was a tool that was used as a weapon
That took all my strengths;
And my happiness was forgotten
There was a weapon and i call it my mind
I tried to cut the illness
But instead i cut myself deep inside

A loud force of anger
Awakens a tortured soul
The tension inside the mind pushes the voice to release a huge sound
And then it all comes out with aggression
Fighting to push it all away
The fears from a nightmare wake a scared heart
The mind is the one who creates these dark images
I've had it;
Im done.
Maybe my screams will push it all away
Maybe my screams will allow my strength to stay
When i need to let everything out
When i need to control the darkness
When i need to run away
But then i realize this isnt working
My lungs are broken
My diaphragm is numb
My vocal cords are tired
My voice is repeating itself over and over
My ribs are shattered
My chest is burning
My throat is swollen
My lips are cracking
Louder and louder
It just hurts to scream
Louder and louder
And noone can hear me
Panicking
Hyperventilating
Racing heart
Racing mind
Fear
Losing control
My moods are wild
And confused about life
Scream to cry
Scream with anger
Scream to fall
Scream forever

Do you know what it feels like when your screaming,
And noone can hear?
You want to get something out,
but you just cant.
& noone knows what its like,
To be limited.
Do you know what it feels like when your screaming,
And only you can hear?
Your trapped inside your own body,
& you dont know what to do,
What to think,
How to see,
How to breathe,
Or how to speak.
Your so closed inside a box;
Your body,
That your mind is telling you,
"Its soundproof."
& each corner throws you in the middle.
Embarrassment blocks you from appearing in front of people's eyes.
Fear & anxiety is what stops you from speaking whats on your mind.
Stops you from opening up your eyes.
Stops you from breathing.
Stops you from hearing.
Stops you from communicating.
& stops you from moving on.
Its so hard to breathe,
When everything is pushed in front of your face.
& when your able to finally breathe,
Your choking on oxygen.
When your afraid to talk,
Your being judged.
When your too late,
Everything closes in on you.
When you mind tricks you into thinking your brave;
Its time to speak,
Then your heart gets tortured & bleeds.
Your screaming,
But noone hears.
You wanna make sure they hear,
But you finally notice your unable to push yourself.
& your so mute;
So frozen.
Your strength leaves you.
Your energy leaves you.
Your power leaves you.
Your voice leaves you.
Your heart no longer responds to you;
Because it feels betrayed.
& your mind uses your insides to trap your voice forever.
You can never be heard.

Why cant i see
Im wondering why my eyes keep closing
I feel the need to use my hands to open the lids from being shut
Why cant i speak
Im wondering why my voice is gone
I feel the need to whisper and try to get out a sound
Why cant i hear
Im wondering why my ears wont inhale sound
I feel the need to press my ears against the world to see if im listening
Why cant i move
Im wondering why my body wont get up
I feel the need to reach out for strength and see if i can lift myself up
Why cant i breathe
Im wondering why my lungs arent opening, and my heart doesnt pump
I feel the need to try to breathe air inside my own body;
But im unable to see
Im unable to speak
Im unable to hear
Im unable to move
So im unable to breathe; and if im dying inside there is no way im able to bring myself back to life
Im under a drug that wont fade away
Im in the middle of a crisis thats pushing to stay
Im trying to fight for the pain to go away
But the nightmare wont make me wake

I created a dance floor that only you can step into
I created a party that is only for two people
Close that booth & enter a stage full of experiences
A stage that soon becomes our movie to be played into a reflection
I hired you as my personal dj
Cover this floor with our clothes;
there are no rules
Strip me on top of your turn table
so that my vocal chords begin to fill the room
Turn the lights off to only connect that disco ball
that shines around my wrists
Now use my body as a microphone;
place those lips all over me
The beat is hard; let’s keep playing music
Allow that smoke to flow on the windows; on the mirrors;
its our breath
Place your hands below my waist & dj me till I start to shake
This club is on all night;
I’m staying open late
Turn my body on
Turn our volume loud
Your glow stick handles the rest
So dance inside me
Your ears are the speakers; make me scream loud

I tasted a sweet saliva on my lips; on my tongue
I felt a gentle, but rough touch against my figure
I felt a warm sensation on my skin; inside my body
My hair was trapped in between your hands; pulling as my blood rushes to my head
And then I felt drowsy, as my tension released itself
You got my eyes rolling at the back of my head when im underneath you
My hands went numb from the lack of blood flow; from being squeezed so tight
Uncovered from our clothes, but we were covered in sweat
You gripped every inch of my body, while I engraved my nails in yours
My body shaked
My body got weak
I couldnt stand, but I was standing against the wall
The cold wall warmed up my skin; warmed up my bones
Your body pushed me
Your lips pinned me
Your hands arrested me
And then my heart raced; as it slowed down from all the body change from being relaxed

When one bad word, turns into one bad day,
Happiness remains under pressure until the sun goes away
My mind trained me to stay mad at the world
My mind trained me to show weakness on my emotions

I’m his personal entertainment when he studies my every move
When I’m arguing, he walks away
When I ignore, he makes me speak
When I’m screaming, he quiets me
When I’m crying, he catches my tears
I try to fight all my emotions at once
I was draining the calmness that was once inside my head
I wanted everything to stop because I couldn’t breathe
I was looking for a new way to calm my anxiety
I pushed away, trying to fight my own demons
Then I felt his hands pull me in to stop all that darkness
I was angry, but wanted what he was already thinking
My uncontrollable moods make him take advantage
to the fact that he finds my weakness
My frustrations makes him gather thoughts to make me undress

My skin shivered until it was covered with his hands, mouth, and tongue
I was already weak, while he was strong
My breathing is already fast; I’m hyperventilating before his waist meets mine
My neck was hot before he pressed his lips on my skin
Then I was held down
The force was inviting so I have in
I was still out of control with my mixed emotions that was making me crazy
He grew stronger watching my anger slowly leaving me
His mouth discoloured my neck and made it hard to breathe
The saliva on his tongue assisted in moving my body

The anger inside me was getting weak to the point I was calm
I gave up being out of control, then he took over
The emotions that controlled me, grew weaker, as his aggression grew stronger
All his whispers made me breathe harder
All his promises made my heart beat faster
I stopped fighting him because I lost
The final whisper made my anger stop
That whisper below the waist,
pulled his pelvis in my space
**** those pills that tame my mind;
The only pill that works,
Is his body all over mine

Anxiety gets disguised by that hard breathing you pressure my body to do;
That ****** feeling you created in my mind;
That locked door that I opened up inside
You broke my old chains and replaced them with your own
Now the thing thats locked, wont let my body go
I lay there with marks
created with your mouth, your teeth; like permanent scars
Inside my blood boils
Inside my veins explode
Inside my bones grow brittle
Then thats when i learned to choke
I felt your hands underneath me,
Making sure you grabbed what was yours
I felt you go deeper,
Making my body pour
Now I felt that anxiety,
The one you made disappear
Its back; only stronger
But I wanted it near
My breathing didn’t worry you;
You watched me hyperventilate while you were on top,
That anxiety became louder,
It was a worry begging you not to stop