Emptiness pulled through my wounds
I bled everything i had out of my body
Inside, my bones are moving;
They wanna pull me down
I should just knock myself down
My heart is so weak
Because my mind took all the strength
Now im shaky;
As i walk, i feel like im gonna fall
And im already bleeding as i walk on broken glass
Glass that had been together; the glass that was me
Then i suddenly shattered when i couldnt take it anymore
The tears i release, i can only drown
Its enough to make me stop breathing
I cannot breathe when im gasping for air
I cannot find an opening
I tried so many times to escape;
I tried to escape my mind
But i will always be a prisoner; a danger to myself
This is forever
The bed holds my back is i choke up all my fears
I cant roll over,
I cant get up,
I cant undo my weakness to feel free
I feel like there are straps going across my chest; i cannot breathe
Im being held down
The person whos doing it is me
Theres pressure on top of my lungs; i continue not to breathe
Its heavy;
My body is so weak
My mind is so strong to put all its strength on top of me
My heart is being squished,
Now all my blood is escaping from its home
My face is being pushed down, i cannot see
I suddenly became blind and met the darkness;
Then left everything behind
An invisible strap,
Im underneath
I cant break free,
I cannot remember how to move
I cannot remember how to breathe
Im frozen, i cant get up
My temperature dropped
And my bones got covered in ice
A brain freeze i had,
But the then my mind burned and meted it away
Burning with anger, everything turned black
As i lay here,
Im still blind
Im hyperventilating and nothing can help me now
I lay here confused
I lay here in silence
I lay here angry
I lay here in tears
I squeeze my wrists
I twist & turn
I kick & scream
I punch & yell
I choke because of not breathing
Not breathing,
Hyperventilating
I cannot control what im feeling
But what would you do if something is holding you down?
And the only thing that can move,
Is the air & blood within my body

I forced the tears out to be spoiled
A little girl everyone was used to
It was only a fuss
It was only water with salt
And then i brought on a thousand headaches
Whining
Screaming
Yelling
I knew how to make mom and dad crazy
I didnt know;
I just knew how to get my way
Older;
A little distant now
The tears were made out of selfishness
Things became thrown
Doors were slamming
My way, or no way;
I knew how to yell
I knew how to scream
I knew how to silence everyone until i came home
The tears came out for nothing
A little weaker now
My eyes;
Wide open
I introduced a weapon
Now i learned how to really cry for something
Broken thoughts became tinier
And then the cuts turned into scars
I needed an escape
Sorrow had replaced happiness now
Not when i was a baby
Not when i was a little girl
Memories remain
Pictures remain
And my tears drown me with pain
I felt so alone
But i loved being alone
And then suddenly i knew what alone really meant;
So then i understood what crying was really about
I broken heart,
A broken soul
A dead heart,
A dead soul
A goodbye forever
A hello to my fears
As i wake from my nightmares,
I cannot see
My eyes are shut tight
And then i became scared to open up to see
I couldnt breathe
Drenched with sweat, i was going crazy
And then i felt the tears again
Now im out of control; i bleed
The harm i force on myself,
I just want myself to leave
As i release such hateful tears,
The mirror i stare into shatters my body and makes me broken
I learned how to bleed;
I learned another way to cry
The fears have taken over now
My mind became my enemy now
The past that was broken never got repaired
Now is when I memorized what crying is
As i close my eyes i think of what i have done, what i lost, and what i continue to do
Hyperventilation,
Anxiety,
Depression,
Moodswings,
Self-mutila­tion
The tears from my childhood didnt make me understand;
It made be spoiled and silenced
Now i understand,
Now i learned
I learned how to cry the hard way
For pain
For loss
For scars
For the past
For harm
For memories
For the blood i lost when i couldnt cry anymore

This is what I choose
So dont make me change my mind
This is how I want to live
So dont pressure me to move away from memories
Dont question me
I dont reveal,
So then you cant comment
Dont talk behind my back
I have ways of finding out
I know you look at my face
I know you watch how I act
I know you hear things
I know you try to help
I know you want to know everything
Everyone needs to stop
Everyone needs to relax
Everyone needs to step back
Everyone needs to mind their own business
Everyone needs to stop asking
Everyone needs to shut the **** up
Dont be surprised
Because you will never see me the same again
Dont be shocked
Because this is how Ive changed
Dont make things worse
Because I will get worse
Dont pretend you know everything
Because you havent spoken to me
Dont try to change my life
Because nothing good will come out of it
Allow me to do my own things
Allow me to make my mistakes
Allow me to be alone
Allow me to figure things out
Dont try to force out the depression within me
Dont try to force out the anger within me
Dont try to force out the quietness within me
Dont try to force out the stress within me
Dont try to force out the stranger within me
Dont try to replace the depression with happiness
Dont try to replace the anger with relaxation
Dont try to replace the quietness with noise
Dont try to replace the stress with ease
Dont try to replace the stranger with who I used to be;
Because you will never see my old spirit again.
Listen to my voice.
Listen to my tone.
Listen to ME.
Ive had it;
And I dont want to repeat myself anymore.
Everyone;
& everything is making **** so much worse.
& I just want to be left alone.
Im not ready to talk
Im not ready to decide
Im not ready to communicate
Im not ready to move on
Stay away from my problems
Stay away from what I do
Stay away from what you heard
Stay away from who Ive become
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna hear it anymore.
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna fight anymore.
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna hear **** behind my back anymore.
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna be pressured anymore
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna repeat myself anymore.
Everyone understand;
Leave me the **** alone.

& I keep looking in the mirror,
Telling myself Im beautiful.
& I keep looking in the mirror,
Telling myself Im skinny.
& I lock myself in my room,
Telling myself I'll be released.
& I stay in my room,
Telling myself I'll be able to get out again.
& I lie on my bed,
Telling myself that these negative thoughts will go away.
& I cry in my room,
Telling myself everything will be ok.
& I keep making myself bleed,
Telling myself the knife is the only thing;
To run away from my problems.
& I keep selling my body away,
Telling myself *** is the only thing;
To ease all the pain.
& I keep thinking,
Telling myself I'll find the right answer.
& I keep looking,
Telling myself I'll find what Im looking for.
& I keep dreaming,
Telling myself I'm going to these dreams.
& I keep being afraid,
Telling myself I'll be brave.
& I keep hyperventilating,
Telling myself my anxiety will leave me.
& I keep waking up,
Telling myself my insomnia will set me free.
& I keep believing myself,
for I have been brainwashed.
In the end I know I lie to myself;

Ive delt with enough ****,
Because I kept myself standing.
Ive heard all the negativity,
Because I kept my ears unblocked.
Ive witnessed what I didnt wanna see,
Because I held my eyes open.
Ive been verbally abused,
Because I didnt want to defend.
I gave my strength to other people,
Because I saw their pain.
Ive showed happiness,
Because my other emotions were still unborn inside me.
Ive held my tears back,
Because I thought I was brave.
I pretended to be smart,
Because I didnt want to show that I was so confused.
I was so quiet that my problems were  never shared with people,
Because I thought I could have helped myself.
I started to become hyper;
I started to become angry;
I started to become depressed;
I started to become anxious;
I started to become scared;
I started to become miserable,
I started to become forgetful,
I started to become nervous,
I started to change everything into a person I didnt recognize anymore.
And in the mirror I try to find that girl I used to be;
But I know she has disappeared.
..So now I lay like a piece of glass;
Broken & shattered on the floor.

Suddenly i couldnt breathe
Suddenly i couldnt speak
Suddenly i couldnt hear
Suddenly i couldnt see
I couldnt breathe because i was hyperventilating
I couldnt speak because i was choking
I couldnt hear because my ears were ringing
I couldnt see because i got blinded
I was hyperventilating because of the anxiety
I was choking because i was being strangled with words
My ears were ringing because i heard too much *******
I was blinded because i didnt want to see the truth
The anxiety
The words
The *******
The truth
They wont ever change

I still remember all the fun
Those times that i didnt know how to worry
I still remember being quiet
Those times that i wouldnt bother anybody
I still remember the excitement
I still remember the games
I still remember the happiness
Positivity was always the same
I will remember the changes
I will remember the words
I will remember the confusion
I will remember the sudden anger
I will remember the distance
I will remember the screams
I will remember being lost
I will remember how i suddenly couldnt see
Always thinking what i could have done
Always thinking what i could have said
Always thinking how to go back
Always thinking; then i cried in my bed
Always thinking not to fail
Always thinking not to be scared
Always thinking not hide
Always thinking to be prepared
I wont forget how i started to bleed
I wont forget how i couldnt speak
I wont forget how i fell to me knees
I wont forget how i couldnt breathe
I wont forget that i picked up the knife
I wont forget that i ignored the people who cared
I wont forget that i slipped away
I wont forget that i smelled poison air
I will never forget my mistakes
I will never forget my regrets
I will never forget what i have done
I will never forget who left
I will never forget what is now scarred
I will never forget what i could have changed
I will never forget that i went too far
I will never forget all the shame

I dont wanna tell myself anymore;
Because I dont wanna believe it.
I feel as though Im having a nightmare;
& Im unable to wake up.
I try to tell myself that I will see you one day.
But its so hard to know that you are not ever coming back.
I cannot stay positive;
Because Im just lying to myself.
& when Im negative,
I make myself worse.
I cry every night.
I think every second.
I **** myself everyday to make up for those times that you suffered.
& things wont ever be the same again;
Because you were the other half of me,
& now Im completely broken.
The long vacation your on,
Means your never coming back.
I wish I could have came with you mom.

I keep fighting off these tornadoes that makes my heart pound hard
The tornadoes that comes from anxiety; makes my stomach turn
The hyperventilation blows me down
The dizziness that happens when I can hardly breathe
All i see is a spinning room when I want it stop
I use anything as leverage to help me get
up, and also walk
I sweat without moving
It just feels like I’m exhausted without working hard
and my mind is working ******* me..

Craving for relaxation,
the milligrams called me
Immediately my mind was silenced; in a deep sleep
I sedated myself so I can also sleep
Relieved this anxiety that had me in chains
and took away my mind that is now in pain
Its so tiny, but those benefits are huge
I needed a release from all this tension
The sudden drowsiness wrings out the normality within me
I love the feeling of being sluggish
The sudden calmness got my breathing finally under control
Those bitter thoughts turned sweet
This cold heart turned warm
These muscle spasms loosened up
This tranquilizer targeted all my fears, anxiety, & worries
Now the bed catches me as I embrace this new feeling
Unfortunately it’s temporary
so my mind is jailed,
until its set free

I dont wanna feel anymore,
Beacause all these feelings,
Are making holes in my body;
& I cant stop bleeding.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are tearing me apart;
& the pieces to my body have gone missing.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are creating pollution in my head;
So I have forgotten how to think.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are melting together like water;
& I cant swim against my waves anymore.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are freezing together like ice;
& they just throw themselves at me;
So I keep bruising.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Allow me to express myself;
Allow me to go out of control;
Allow me to drink to forget;
Allow me to abuse myself;
Allow me to be dizzy;
In my own head.
The more feelings I have,
The worse I become.
Just take all this pain away.
Just take all this misery away.
Just take all this negativity away.
Just make me forget how to feel.
I wanna lose all anger.
I wanna lose all depression.
I wanna lose all anxiety.
I wanna lose all tension.
I wanna lose all weakness.
I wanna lose all weakness.
I just wanna be numb.
I wanna lose everything.
I wanna lose feeling.

I became settled
But i feel uneasy again
I chased away my fears
But now im scared again
I became strong
But now my weakness found me
I fought my nightmares
But now my dreams are slowly escaping
I learned to breathe
But my anxiety is attacking again
I learned to see but now my eyes are slowly closing again
I learned to speak
But my mouth is being forced to close again
I learned to hear
But the sounds are slowly getting silent again
I found happiness
But depression is trying to bring me down again
My anger was controlled
But im slowly on edge again
I was stable
But my moods are changing again
I was convinced
But now im not sure
Im still not sure if i found myself quite yet
My body, mind, and soul is getting too comfortable
They have been nourished
And now its too much
Im getting used to this feeling,
That my brain wants to stop
Why are my moods not stabilizing themselves again
Why is my anxiety acting up again
Why is my breathing starting to become difficult again
I guess i didnt lock the door properly
I need to try harder
I need to work faster
I thought it was the end;
The end to that evil soul
Its slowly coming back
Im pushing myself to ignore
Its so hard to do
Im pushing myself to just snap out of it
Because my mind is playing a game again
Is this intake too weak
Am i wanting it to be strong
I cannot handle who i was
I need the person who i am now
I cannot lose control again

I always wandered what would happen if i got back on the right path
Will i change?
Will my mind twist & turn itself back to normal?
And will my heart unfreeze itself?
I followed a shadow that i knew would make me blind
I followed a soul that i didnt want to attach myself to
But i stared into a mirror and just threw myself in and lost myself
I disappeared from life;
I was invisible to myself
I made my own path; i followed a dark road
And then i ended up in the middle of my own drama
I stood up but i was dizzy
I walked into tripping over
I ran into falling on the floor
I used my eyes but i was blind
I listened carefully but i was deaf
I tried to speak while my voice was mute
I tried to move while my bones were broken
Then i gave up from being mentally exhausted
Where did i go?
I never knew how to interact with a person so close; but so far away
Distance broke me, myself, and i
And i never saw the line that i was holding onto before i let go
I met her, but i said goodbye
I laughed at her, and made her cry
I judged her, then she was angry
I abused her, and made her bleed
I looked and couldnt find
I searched but she had to hide
And then I realized i had cut my own line
I confused my heart with hateful words, and so i ended up bad-mouthing to the mirror
I confused my body with bruises and scars, and so i ended bleeding in my own tears
My mind confused me with an enemy i once knew, without a role model;
All along i locked myself,
In my own room

My memories of peacefulness has been erased from my mind
I have no way of getting back to the reality of life full of failure
I was drowned inside my body and then i wasnt living
I died inside my nightmares, then my dreams became a reality
I let go of myself and i slipped away
I fell through the cracks
And then i shattered into pieces that i thought would never break
I tied every knot tighter from my mistakes that were on a string
And then when i finally found the scissors,
Instead i cut myself from reality and the string had strangled me
On the ground i lay
I had fallen with no more pieces left to break
My body stopped working
Like a broken toy that got thrown out;
I didnt even care to get fixed
I gave it all up
The strength had left and the weakness forced itself in me
I didnt know how to use my lungs anymore
I forgot how to breathe
I didnt know how to use my mouth anymore
I forgot how to speak
I didnt know how to use my ears anymore
I forgot how to hear
I didnt know how to use my eyes anymore
I forgot how to see
I didnt know how to use my muscles anymore
I forgot how to move
I didnt know how to use my bones anymore
I forgot how to think
I didnt want to use myself anymore..

I came into my own world with sharp edges of a delicate body
A world that i created in the darkness
I was blind to see the truth behind all the lies; and so i became bitter
A bitter mind that my body couldnt turn sweet
A cold heart that my skin couldnt turn into heat
My nails broke whenever i scratched notes to myself on my skin
The blood from my veins didnt want to stay in
I cried with pointy tears,
The shattered glass that came from my eyes, harmed me till i went blind
I couldnt see no more happiness
I couldnt see no more light
I only saw deep within my body that was dark and broken inside
I couldnt breathe because my nose broke
And my lungs are collapse so i am only able to choke
My eardrums popped as i always heard myself scream
I scared my heart so then it forced itself to squeeze
I saw right through myself and then i knew what i really was
I have made the choice to unleash my own demons from my dark dreams
I was attacked from my own hands
And my body was thrown down to the floor by my own strength
When i hit the floor i heard a crack that came from my knees
Then my whole body broke as
I started to bleed

I watched a show inside my room
A show that created magic
I was the star in a magic show inside the mirror
A show that continues to replay every night
I acted in a magic show inside our room
A show that made the bed a stage
Made my clothes disappear,
and placed me in chains
Controlled my heart without reaching in my chest; and made it race
You took my voice box and tweaked it
You controlled the volume by using your skills
I thought the impossible couldn’t be done
You showered me by using your tongue
There was a fire that only I felt
My skin burned without flames; making me breathless, making my heart melt
I couldn’t see in the dark,
but you made it clear for me to watch
without opening a light
You took those images in my head
and created them for us to experience
You were a mind reader; I didn’t even need to speak
Your techniques were illusions;
You explained the whole night before you took control
I felt all those tricks
I watched all those acts
It all became real
Your hugs tricked me into being in handcuffs
Your lips muted my voice
Your tongue numbed my breath
You made a fire without a lighter and a log
It was hot without a heater and the sun
Your the magician, while I’m your contestant
You did a disappearing act;
The one that made your wand disappear inside my body

My heart is beating normally.
My breathing is so steady.
Until I wait;
Wait for you to ruin me.
You've already ***** me with your eyes.
I felt the blades piercing through my body.
Now I want to feel that pain with your hands.
I want to feel that the closer you walk,
The more excited I get.
The closer you walk,
The speed of my heart;
The speed of my breathing,
Gets faster.
Mentally,
Im ******* you.
Physically,
I want to copy the movie thats playing in my head.
The more I stare,
The more I want.
The more I want,
The more dehydrated I get.
& my body needs yours to quench mine.
My body needs yours to enter mine.
& my body needs yours to calm mine.
Excitement is striking even more;
My breathing is starting to get heavy.
& I need your lips as a puffer;
I have an invisible asthma, and its getting worse.
I need you to breathe into me;
Fill my lungs with your air & strength.
All these naughty thoughts going through my head is just strangling me.
& Im strangled by your ****** presence.
Its causing me to find my breath and catch it.
Causing me to find my pulse and relax it.
& then there you were;
Right in front of me.
No more invisible wall.
No more waiting.
I was getting so impatient.
& then we **** the lights.
& then we **** the clothes.
Entering me finally,
The look in your eyes were asking me to breathe harshly.
& then your energy took over my body.
Your ears just wanted to hear,
Your eyes just wanted to see,
How crazy you can get me.
Then finally,
All your power,
All your strength.
All my power,
All my strength.
I wanted more & more each time.
Gasping for air,
There were no words.
Gasping for air,
I couldnt even speak.
The air through my lungs,
Turned my body into a tornado that you've created.
& so Im spinning with unstoppable pleasure.
You've released your energy onto me.
I've released my excitement onto you.
Im beginning to choke.
The air through my chest,
The pounding of my heart;
I blame you.
I have forgotten how to breathe.
I have forgotten how to scream.
The pleasure that Im feeling cannot be described.
Faster,
Harder,
Deeper;
My breathing is speeding up.
Stronger,
Crazier,
Driven,
I cannot catch my breath.
Hotter,
Sweatier,
Harsher,
Im finally hyperventilating.

You dont need my approval.
Just do what you think is right.
You dont need my advice.
Cause I know you know what your doing.
Push me down.
Caress my body.
Undo my shadow;
& **** my soul.
Control me.
& just hold me down tightly.
Press your lips against mine;
& just slide your tongue slowly down my body.
Allow your hands to shatter my clothes.
Allow your hands to cuff my wrists.
Allow your teeth to pierce my neck.
Allow your presence to make my blood boil with excitement.
Just make me your victim.
Allow me to attract punishment.
Allow me to seek what your plot is.
Allow yourself to give in more.
No more teasing.
Dont allow me to take your games anymore.
I want you to perform what you whispered in my ear.
Finish what you started;
& start what you plotted.
My body is all yours;
So take advantage.
So kiss me seductively,
Touch me harshly,
Pressure me nicely,
& *** me roughly.
I am the victim who lays in your bed.
So just **** me softly.
In the end,
I wanna die with unstoppable pleasure.

She had a throbbing sensation in her finger that looked bruised
A throbbing in which her blood boiled through her veins to attack her stability
She needed relief from a bubble of pain;
She needed to feel all normal again
Finally a light pulled her through a
door
A pathway was made to guide her through the walls of the castle floors
The approach was like a treasure, she hasnt seen
A sharp object she can use to stop the throbbing on her skin
A voice of evil whispered in her ear
Touch the spindle was a command she was forced to hear
Like a magnet, her finger couldnt release,
A ***** to her body, put a force in her knees
Fell to the floor
Fell unconscious
Fell into a deep sleep
Fell so sudden
A sleep-like death was the queen’s intention
A crave for a princess for her to be weakened

Putting my brain to work,
I think it all out.
This mood has been going on for such a long time.
So much anxiety all at once.
So much anger all at once.
Slowly,
I just want to get all this buildup out,
Thats stuck inside of me.
I need to be free.
The sounds of music,
The sad songs are played.
Its minor,
To loosen everything up.
The silence within me;
My mind throws everything in my face,
So I can be reminded of all the pain.
The clear glass of alcohol,
I drink it all away.
The sharp razor of the knife,
I bleed it all away.
My eyes meet the photos of the past;
I continue to stare deep inside the portraits of happiness.
The mirror pulls me to have a conversation.
Im hypnotized without a sound to have eye contact,
With the stranger on the wall.
My mind;
I have no control.
My body;
Im being forced.
My soul;
I make myself invisible.
Trapped;
My mind is forcing me to put my life on hold.
Trapped;
My body takes the beatings.
Trapped;
My soul disappears from it all.
All at once,
Im trapped.
My tears break the silence.

It was in the past when I was so out of control
And now I have been introduced to something new
Now my body is so dependable to a drug that takes me away from the pain
It accepted a new soul that was buried deep inside
Into my body
I'm injected with happiness
All my depression and self-mutilation has disappeared
Into my body
I'm injected with relief
I have no more anger
Into my body
I'm injected with breath
Hyperventilation has disappeared
Into my body
I'm injected with relaxation
My heart is beating normal again
But when will I learn to do this all on my own?
Am I getting support for the rest of my life?
Can it get ****** out of my body?
Or will I lose myself again
And if I miss,
It's like my body is shutting down on me
Withdrawal takes its place
I cannot do this all on my own
I will never be able to push it away
I will never learn to control myself
Forever injected

I finally go deep inside my mind
I close my eyes and suddenly i cry
I see everything now;
That i never saw before
I see everything i chased right out the door
I remember the times i threw myself to the ground
I lay there broken;
Never wanted to be found
I shut my door
I ignored who cared
I only focused on all my fears and nightmares
Those nights that i cried
Those nights i wanted to hide
Those nights that i had a knife
Those nights that i wanted to die
The nights i drank to forget
Were the nights i wanted to be numb
The nights i picked up a knife
Were the nights i wasnt afraid of blood
The times that anxiety choked me
I was struggling and i was weak
My fears kept getting closer to me
Then i just never wanted to see
The anger never stops
The depression never leaves
The weakness never strengthens
The ongoing of memories

There is no escape.
Its so dark in here;
& I dont know whats going on.
Noones around to feel this pain.
Noones around to free me.
Im so blind,
I cant see the positivity.
Negativity strikes me like lightening,
Piercing my veins;
Shocking my nerves.
I notice Im blindfolded.
My head is put in its place,
& my body is being held down.
Im so still,
The shock is too much.
It leaves my mind blank & unable to think.
The chains on my body are making me go completely insane.
The rope on my throat gets tighter everytime I scream;
& so slowly,
Im unable to breathe.
A prisoner,
I feel I am;
I dont think I can get out of this trap.
Like a nightmare that wont end,
Im living a horror film.
I want this to end.
I want to be free.
But the more I struggle,
The more worse everything gets.
Im trying to forget about this cage Im in.
Im trying to forget about how claustrophobic it is.
Im trying to forget whats holding me down.
Im trying to forget about everything.
But everything is happening all at once.
Finally,
Im going to explode.
Im blindfolded,
To not see the positivity.
My body is in chains,
To not fix whats going on.
My neck is tightened with a rope,
That pulls tighter,
Everytime I scream for normality to come back.
My heart has a lock in it,
& the key went missing;
To make sure it gets ignored,
Each time I wanna listen to it.
The razor bracelets on my arms & hands dig deep inside my skin,
Making sure I dont stop bleeding.
It goes deeper & deeper into my skin,,
Everytime I try to move,
To make sure Im too dizzy to focus.
My head is bolted against the wall,
To have a hold on my thinking;
To have a hold on what controls my body;
& what controls my thinking.
Finally Im inside this dungeon;
A million chains.
A million locks.
Im unable to be free.
My mind is too powerful,
Because I feel what Im thinking.
The perspective of a prisoner.
This is what I feel in my own body.
This is what my head makes me suffer with.
It is me that locked myself up.
I turned off the lights in front of my own eyes,
& ended up locking up myself away forever.
Im hidden from everything.
Far away from being normal again.
It all feels so real,
Because my mind messed me up.
& I actually feel like a prisoner in my own body.
Im gone forever.
I made sure I will never escape.

Crystal clear water reveals a **** silhouette
Shiny bubbles show off a beautiful body
The waves iron long silky blonde hair
The flowers rub their colours onto a gentle fair face
And the the plants secure her tiny body
The strength of her arms
Pull back the sea behind her
Shes moving
Shes swimming
Shes singing
And shes so free
And when she moves,
The waves move with her
And when she swims,
The fish swim with her
And when she sings,
The sea shells capture her voice
When the waves move,
Her hair glides along
When the fish swim,
Her fins ride along
When the sea shells steal her voice,
Her heart is so alive
But another side into her life;
The sadness in her eyes;
When she cries noone can see
Because the water hides her tears
Creatures will never know her story
Singing to hide the pain
Noone understood her pain
Alone everyday;
So then exploring makes her thoughts go away
Fears of ships
Fears of boats
Fears of people
Fears of dying
She doesnt want to be found
Her hopes and dreams can never be broken
Hoping to survive,
Dreaming to love
Love another one;
Another half human with fins
And she continues;
Moving
Swimming
Singing
Her journeys continue
Her fears are strong
But her hopes are stronger

It wants to move
But the mind wants it to freeze
It wants to talk
But the mind wants to be mute
It wants to hear
But the mind wants to ignore
It wants to see
But the mind wants to be blind
It wants happiness
But the mind wants depression
It wants to escape
But the mind makes it a prisoner
It wants to run
But the mind wants to make it stop
It wants strength
But the mind creates weakness
It wants change
But the mind wants to stay the same
It wants freedom
But the mind wont let it escape
It wants to yell for help
But the mind blocks the sound
It wants to reach out
But the mind creates a cage
It wants to open the door
But the mind puts on a lock
It wants to forget
But the mind brings back torture
It wants to remember
But the mind erases the positive
It wants to close the wounds
But the mind forces them to stay open
I want it all to stop once and for all
But my mind is not letting go
I want peace
But the mind wants me fight
And so i continue the fight
Because I havent won yet

To feel, but not to see
To be blind, means not knowing who you are
The mirror that showed,
But now it hides.
And now i run
And now im the one who hides
I look at my body, mind and soul.
But without a reflection,
I cannot see who i really am
And so i hide;
Day by day.
The fears inside of me increase as i walk towards myself
It knows im trying to run
Across from myself i choke;
Across from myself i cannot breathe;
Across from myself i find out who and what i really am
When i look through,
I want to smash it
And then when i walk away,
Im stabbing myself in the back
So then i bleed as the mirror breaks
Piece by piece;
Im cutting myself with the glass thats reflects my mind, body, and soul
My vocal cords snap as i try to speak to myself
And when im silent, the mirror reveals the truth that i dont wanna hear
And so i move;
It controls my every step
And so i speak;
It controls my every word
And when i look;
It controls what i dont wanna see
It doesnt lie
It doesnt break
But it breaks when i want to look and scream
When i scream it shatters
& then i shatter within my reflection
My reflection reveals
Revealing the past present and future
I can no longer hide
It finds me
And even though it doesnt move;
It moves me through the invisible chains that drag me

It feels so tight
I feel my chest squeezing itself as i try to release the air
I feel a fast beat
I feel a harsh feeling
I feel a sharp pain
I feel a loud drum in my ears
Im breathing but its hard
I wanna get up but my strength is too far
I need to stand but i know im gonna fall
Now im reaching the scissors to cut the weakness thats wrapped around my soul
Im wanting to push away the darkness and make all my fears go
My anxiety and depression wont seem to leave
Now my head has exploded
Now my heart & skin are bleeding
My throat is so dry
Its dry from struggling to breathe
All the air dried me out
My lungs had suddenly weakened me
Im dizzy; i cannot stand
I try to grab onto something
But everything moves away from my hands
Im on floor and i give up
I never learned to control myself
And ive had enough
I had lost
And anxiety won
My strength was taken
And now im done

Im scared to obey my enemy
That lurks inside the dark
It haunts me
It finds me
It destroys me
And i dont know how to defend myself
My nightmares attack me
They chase away my dreams
In the night i wake;
Trying to breathe as i gasp for air
I realize im being choked
Makes me scream
Makes me cry
Makes me silent
Makes me lie
Makes me depressed
Makes me angry
Makes me anxious
Makes me harm me
Makes me different
Makes me a danger
Makes me different
Makes me a stranger
What are you so afraid of? They ask
Its just the dark
And then i try to so hard to believe its just the darkness
But if i talk,
If i express;
They will all think im so crazy
I try to undo this fear that im holding onto
This fear that stays,
Will follow me around forever
I dont wanna be here anymore
I try to break through my body with weapons,
Hoping ill be set free
But i only bleed to drown in my own soul
Im inside my own cage,
& threw away the key
Theres no escape now
When will i be set free?
These eyes that go red;
And then begin to tear
These ears that go sensitive;
And then forced to obey
These lungs that begin to collapse;
Then i hyperventilate
These hands that become violent;
Then i begin to bleed
This heart that turns black;
Then finally, it breaks
This thing that wasnt under my bed,
Has shown me it was inside my head

I felt you on my skin
and you wouldn’t leave till you got what you wanted
You landed on top of me so quietly
I only felt a tickle that made me want something more
You started to make my blood boil,
Then changed my heart rate
My neck was poked from your teeth
till you wrapped your mouth around my skin
You covered every inch of my body; poking different levels of excitement
Anxiety starts in my blood; pacing through my veins
You had me itching for something more
I lay there *******, marked up, & irritated
You left the room, keeping me waiting
The tension is intense because I’ve been anticipating  
Your teeth marked everywhere below my chin
Your mouth made a redness & heated my skin
You finally appeared with a cure to my bites
You forced a pressure on a my body
You forced a puncture to remain inside me
I anticipated the whole day
Now you poked me in a different way

Your last of being healthy, then I made myself sick
Your last creation, then I created a mess
Your last gift, then I stopped wrapping
Your last movie night, then I stopped watching
Your last communication, then I went distant from the world
Your last strength, then I went weak
Your last drive, then I crashed
Your last holiday, then I stopped celebrating
Your last laugh, then I couldnt smile
Your last hug, then I went numb
Your last meal, then I couldnt eat
Your last word, then I couldnt speak
Your last blink, then I couldnt see
Your last breath, then I couldnt breathe
Your last heartbeat, then my heart started to bleed

Desperate to release the red liquid within my body.
I wanna feel the dizziness;
& relaxation my body hides inside.
Blades of a weapon,
Is what my hand is thirsty for.
The cuts,
Is what my arm is hungry for.
Scars of depression is what I want to make.
I tease my veins,
But I destroy my skin.
I hide my frowns,
But at home I cry out loud.
My sleeves protects me,
But underneath is a disaster.
The starting is all in my brain.
My mentality goes nuts.
My heartbeat increases.
Im hyperventilating,
& my nerves cant stop shaking.
A nervous feeling erupts.
The knife is suddenly in my hand.
I cant turn back now.
Its just at that point,
Where I cant stop.
Its just at that point,
Where I need to focus.
Its just at that point,
Where I need to be left alone.
No distractions.
No interruptions.
I need to focus on damaging.
I need to focus on relaxation.
I need to **** my inner self.
& I need to destroy whats outside of me.
I need to satisfy my conscience.
I just need to bleed.

Im bleeding,
Dripping alot.
Im crying,
It pours into a puddle made for me to drown in.
Its like my body was used to fight off whats going on in my head.
I dont know what to do any more.
The force from my head,
Pushes me to physically hurt myself.
& I keep asking my conscience,
Why Im being used.
The dark side of me is taking control;
Leaving my other side to suffer.
I look in the mirror to see nothing but a stranger.
My mind controls my body & soul.
& I have no choice but to listen & obey.
& its when I dont know what to do.
Is it right?
or is it wrong?
Am I stupid?
Because I dont know who I am anymore.
My actions are speaking louder,
Because my mind wont give up.
Why cant I finally let go?
Let go of all this negativity I have built inside me;
That was brought through my head.
Inside my head,
I take the anger all upon myself.
Inside my head,
I take the sadness upon myself.
In my head,
I take the fear upon myself.
And in my head,
I physically take advantage of myself.
It pushes me.
It tricks me.
It allows me to hurt myself;
Physically.
My mentality is what Im forced to follow.

I have made so many mistakes
And now they cannot be fixed
I have walked down the wrong path
And now I will always be lost
I have lost strength
And now I am weak
I have disappointed
And now I cannot make happiness
I have pushed people away
And now I dont know who to go to
I have kept my mouth shut
And now everything is hard to get out
I walked away
And now I cant turn back
I used violence
And now I carry guilt
I have used my voice to yell at everyone
And now I feel bad
I have let down people who encouraged me
And now I feel useless
I have ignored people who tried to help me
And now I feel I cannot even help myself
I have rejected opportunities
And now there are no more chances
I have turned my back on family
And now they have gotten the messages
& my biggest mistake,
& my biggest regret,
The only person I had all these things shoot at you at once;
I have pushed you away
I yelled at you
I turned my back on you
I rejected you
I ignored you
I never showed you happiness
I slammed my door while you walked up the stairs
I walked away in the middle of your apologies
You watched me drown in my own tears
But I didnt let you pull me out
Because I never told you anything
I never released my problems to you
I feel as if you were deaf around me
Because I was scared to talk to you
I feel as if you were mute around me
Because you were scared to talk to me
I denied everything you brought to me
Because I acted like everything was fine
But I knew you werent stupid
I just was stubborn
I was scared what you might think
Because now you see all my problems
But you cannot give me help
Because I can only imagine what you would say to me,
& not what I can hear from you
Your only in my heart
And it kills me to know that your finding out everything that you could have helped me with
I didnt want you to worry
& now Im the one worried
Because Im scared Im gonna walk down a deeper, darker path
If I only listened to you
If I only listened to myself

My lock was finally unlocked
My door was finally open
My walls were finally knocked down
My floor was finally broken apart
My room was finally torn
That lock to my door opened a room full of walls
that you stepped into while exploring what you can do
You unlocked my clothes
You opened my legs
You ruptured my ******
You damaged my pelvic floor
My body was a room
that was kept tidy for a strong one
Those weak ones couldn’t even mess up my hair
Then finally those ****** dreams turned into reality
when you placed those kisses on both of my lips
I wanted my body weak; not being able to handle you
That floor that held my pelvis,
couldn’t hold the ****** any longer

I gave myself extra attention
but it was the kind that wasn’t safe
I accepted the anger that turned my face red
It stole the happiness I lost
I hugged the mirror only when I cried
I kissed my pillow that I slept on for years missing the innocence
that I tried to hide
I inhaled that anxiety so deep cause it made me dizzy
I liked falling on the floor to wake my demons up to torment me
I loved the darkness cause it scared me
it was my alarm clock from insomnia to keep me awake
I gave words but I was a bad influence
and convinced myself to drink
So I welcomed that poison liquid, to wash away all of my fears
I accepted being drunk all the time,
because it brought out the stranger that I got along with
I gave all my love, but to a knife
and worshipped the blood that flowed out of my skin
cause it made me so dizzy
I gave all my trust to my mind
and it only hurt cause I loved myself for all the wrong reasons

Im looking for a way to break away from this weakness
I was separated from my strength and now i feel myself falling over
I feel my nerves shaking as the anxiety approaches
The air inside my lungs is escaping fast as i try to take a breath
Its too fast for me to catch and my heart is pounding harder
Thoughts racing;
My happiness is escaping
My tears are burning my insides until they pour out all the pain
I feel like im releasing all the water thats left inside my body;
Im so dehydrated
Im so dry that im choking on my own air
I can just feel the air escape as i try to breathe
Im losing it all as i try to grasp the memories that turn around and make negativity on me
I wanna black out and forget
But im seeing every darkness instead
Im thinking too hard
Or im being murdered inside my thoughts
I have the weapon;
And i have been using it inside my nightmares
Im fighting but nothing is being done
Im crying and im the only one
Racing heart;
I can feel it pounding
Shaking;
Im unstable
Hyperventilating;
Im dizzy
Hot flashes;
Im burning
Eyes are blurry;
The tears are falling
Weakness;
Im on the floor

Im scared
But the lights never come on
I hyperventilate
But my breathing makes me choke
I fall
But the floor never catches me
I run
But the path loses me
Im hurting
But i continue to feel the pain
Im guilty
But im still the one to blame
Im anxious
But my heart beats faster
I cant see
But i go blind
I cant speak
But i go silent while being mute
I cant hear
But i go deaf
I cant feel
But i turn numb
Im angry
But my mind gets stronger
Im violent
But i get stronger
I stay awake
But i continue to have insomnia
I cry
But my tears never dry
Im out of control
But i continue to fight myself
I bleed
But my wounds never heal

Slowly with a touch,
The bed holds our bodies
Pressing hard against my mouth,
The strength of your lips push me down
Its dark and silent
Its already hot and heated
Our eyes lock,
And im not allowed to speak
As you undress me slowly,
My heart races happily
The excitement rises,
As we promise the night wont end
Wrapped with your hands,
My wrists are locked against the bed
My neck is shocked from your mouth as im gasping for air
******* the life outta me, i accept when you take control
Forcing your body against mine,
Your arms appear like a cage;
Making sure i dont move,
Making sure i dont escape
But i would never try to move in a spot so seductive
Phones silent
Door closed
Tv loud
The floor covered with clothes
As you take away all my worries and fears, my body relaxes
As you take away all my tension, my body becomes so weak
As my body becomes weak,
You become even more stronger
Your strength inside my body suddenly stabilizes me to the point where my arms squeeze you tight
And then i whisper inside your ear what my body wants more of..
An amazing disaster has our hormones going crazy
I feel the pleasure
And the beautiful pain
The bites from our lips to our skin,
The grip from your hands to my body;
Then your hand covers my mouth as your body raises my voice
The scratching from my nails to your back,
And then it gets so intense
There is no such word as stop

I never gave a hand to decorate the christmas tree again
My strength was forced to stop all the fun
I never smelled the baking of christmas dessert again
Its a sweet tooth that ill never use again
I never helped wrap presents late at night again
Its the muscles in my hands that were forced to stop working
I never road in a car again
The rides for christmas visits had to be stopped
I never loved christmas again
That part of my heart is with a golden heart who is missing every year

I made my hands strong when everyone was weak
I was my own seduction when I couldnt sleep
Slithering like a snake on my skin
When the lights were out,
I let myself in
I was the only one to handle myself
Everyone else, I sent to hell
I kissed the darkness
I stripped the mirror
I dripped & got soaked; looking like tears

I found who can handle me
Its more than my hand
I cut off the boys, and showed myself to a man
Now Im the one thats weak;
My strength was taken
He was my weakness the minute we were naked
Now he takes care of my dryness
Hes the one that gets me wet
He closed my eyes
And relaxed me to the  bed
I didnt need myself
Myself didnt need me
I didnt needt to give myself the attention anymore
Because he is now in charge of my screams
I fell in love with his ways
And the ******* I felt
I turned my life when I made real love with a man
And not myself

Take my fears and wash them all away
Take my heart and glue it back together
Touch my skin and repair my scars
Tape my pieces that have fallen apart
Untwist my mind from the twisted thoughts
Keep the memories because i dont want them anymore
Rewind the past and erase it all at once
Remake the future that is yet to come
Breathe into my lungs that the air has escaped
Slow down my heart when i hyperventilate
Dry the tears that fall from these eyes
Defeat the one that always makes me cry
Uncover my eyes to see the truth
Unplug my ears to hear the lies
Break my hands from the chains i put on
Find myself before its gone
Find the happiness that once was lost
Fight the anger that lives inside me
Change the sadness that depression was made
**** out all my guilt & hate

Everything in life was a lie.
Everything in life was a nightmare that wont end.
Everything in life was meant to be games.
And I was meant to go crazy.
Im unable to focus anymore.
And suddenly,
Im lost.
Suddenly,
Im missing.
I tried to end the pain,
But it got the best of me.
I was fooled,
& I got trapped inside a cage thats impossible to escape.
& my head is bleeding;
Eternal & external.
I fall & drown into my own puddle of blood.
As I keep bleeding,
It turns into a river;
A river that carries me away forever.
In my head I think its too late.
In my head I think there is no escape.
In my head I think I will never be the same again.
& its too strong.
It cant just be taken away.
Each day it adds on.
So every tear tells a story.
Every story reveals the truth.
All the truth are wounds that will never be healed.
Im left to feel pain forever.

I wait for a feeling that takes away the pain
I wait for a feeling that takes away the shame
I wait for a feeling to replace all the anger
I wait for a feeling to make the moods better
I wait for a feeling to feel no more anxiety
I wait for a feeling to feel less uneasy
I wait for a feeling to scare away my fears
I wait for a feeling that will prevent all my tears
I wait for a feeling that will heal my wounds
I wait for a feeling that will cover up the bruise
I wait for a feeling to erase the images that will last
I wait for a feeling to hopefully forget the past
And until i wait,
I wont ever know
And im so numb,
From the emotions that wont go

Pain eventually turns into numbness
Tears eventually make a pool
Anxiety suddenly freezes your lungs
That bleeding heart finally turns heavy, then breaks into a million pieces;
So then you become so weak
Weakness over strength,
The pain was too much to handle
And so it numbs every single memory,
Every single nightmare,
Every single fear
Every single worry
Every single emotion;
Then engraves the biggest memory in the mind;
A memory that wont be forgotten
That pain that went numb, suddenly hurts all over again
It was so numb, to feel it all over again

It was fun staying out late until i took advantage
It was disappearing until i made it a habit
It was fun being wasted until i got out of control
It was fun being promiscuous until my heart couldnt take no more
It was fun being a ***** until i walked with guilt
It was fun getting angry until i put up walls i built
It was fun staying out late until i almost died
It was fun making mistakes until i had to hide
It was fun playing with knives until i actually got hurt
It was fun playing with fire until i finally got burned
It was fun staying up at night until my nightmares forced me to stay awake
It was fun trying to fight my fears until i had the attacks of anxiety
It was fun being alone until i was left alone forever
It was fun staying in my room until i got to know myself better..

One second of pressure
One second of force
One second of amusement
One second of fakeness
I laugh to hide the pain
I laugh to hold the tears back
Its only when someone tells me
Its only when someone cracks a joke
Its only when someone comments
That one moment doesnt leave me excited
That one moment doesnt leave me forgetting
That one moment doesnt leave me with happiness
Throughout the day.
Its only when I find something small to laugh about
Its only when I laugh for no reason
Its only to cover everything else up
I cannot stay like that forever
I cannot turn a frown upside down for hours.
My mind wont let me
I dont wanan fake it anymore
I dont wanna find excuses anymore
I just dont wanna laugh about the stupid little things only;
Because the big things is whats important;
& Im not eve laughing;
When everyone else is.
The pain hurts so much,
That I cannot stop laughing.
& when that second is gone,
Im back to crying.

When i was deaf, i heard the lies
When i was mute, i screamed and noone heard
When i was blind, i saw what i shouldnt have seen
When i was numb, i felt all the pain
When i couldnt breathe, i took in poison
When i couldnt walk, i was running towards fear
When i couldnt sleep, my life was a nightmare
When i wasnt happy, my enjoyment was danger
When i pushed people away, i allowed evil to replace their spots
When i was alone, the devil was my company
When i was sober, i drank myself to sleep
When i was anxious, my worries continued
When my moods were out of control, the mirror was my enemy
When i was able to hear, i believed everything
When i was able to talk, everyone bad-mouthed me
When my eyes were opened, everyone disappeared
When i gained feeling, i got used to the pain
When i was able to breathe, i needed to find air
When i was able to walk, the path had been broken
When i was able to sleep, i couldnt make a dream
When i was relaxed, the knife showed me how
When the people i pushed away came back, i was being ignored
When i had company, the devil wouldnt leave
When i stopped drinking, my memories had faded
When i was finally stable,
The mirror shattered
And my mind got bored & started again

Everything is just building up inside me.
Everything is getting trapped in my head.
Nothing can escape me;
& Im unable to breathe.
Everything is up to my throat;
So I have no more room to take anything else in.
I keep myself closed in;
& so I keep everything inside.
Too much is being thrown at me;
& I cannot defend myself.
So Im bruised all over.
My wounds stay with me forever;
Because my scars will never fade.
& my heart will never be the same again.
Im just broken up inside;
& each piece has a problem attached to it.
I just want to put myself together again;
& let problems slide completely off my body;
& shatter to pieces;
Like I did on the floor.
I have no time to think.
I have no time to breathe;
When all the weight is on my shoulders.
Its like Im carrying the world.
My strength cant hold me up anymore;
Because everything has just pushed me down;
& now its too late to help myself up.
& If im lucky, an elevator will bring me back up to the level I started at.

I feel empty,
Because I use to be full of joy.
I feel lost,
Because I was never able to lose track of myself.
I feel confused,
Because I used to be focused.
I feel scared,
Because I use to be brave,
I feel stupid,
Because I use to be smart.
I feel insecure,
Because I use to be able to protect myself.
I feel cold,
Because I use to give myself warmth.
I feel depressed,
Because the happiness has left my soul.
I feel blind,
Because I am now unable to see.
I feel deaf,
Because I am now unable to hear.
I feel mute,
Because I am now unable to speak.
I feel I cannot breathe,
Because I am always gasping for air.
I feel unstable,
Because now Im always falling.
I feel abused,
Because the dangerous one is me.
I feel that I have lost all control,
Because everything has taken over me.

I've been punched with dizziness,
Not with my fist.
I've been hit with drunkenness,
Not with alcohol.
I've been sexed with pleasure,
Not with a man.
I've been injected with energy,
Not with a needle.
I've been burnt with warmth,
Not with fire.
I've been pushed with strength,
Not with my hands.
I fell with pressure,
Not with my feet.
I've been cut with relaxation,
Not with a knife.
I've been brainwashed by my conscience,
Not by myself.

Uncontrollable disaster appeared inside my head
Physically, i was strong to one kind of abuse
Mentally, i was weak to different kinds of abuse
Emotionally my weakness continued for years
All the doors closed when my head turned the other way
The only door that remained opened was the mirror
But i shattered it so many times
That the pieces cut me like a knife
I kept bleeding inside myself
Then it poured out through my eyes
I kept bleeding outside myself
Then it poured right back inside
There were lonely nights that i made so dangerous
There were quiet nights that i hyperventilated
There were dark nights when i was fighting fear
There were lights on at night when i stayed up for days
There were days that i covered my arms
There were days that my throat was dry
There were days that i lost the fights
There were days that i was over tired
I wanted to give up
I wanted to end
I wanted to leave
I wanted to say goodbye to it all
The pain was so deep
I was pierced with so many swords
Inside my body i mentally died
Smiles were never thoughts
Laughing was just to hide
Anxiety was not a choice
Hyperventilation was uncontrollable
Anger was everyday
Crying was too hard to stop
Alcohol
Mutilation
***
Was the only happiness i knew
Drunk
Bleeding
Guys
Was the only way out
My worst nightmare i had was seeing myself alive
And the best dream i had was seeing myself dying
Slowly i ignored my family
Slowly i ignored my friends
Slowly i ignored myself
Suddenly i stopped listening to my family
Suddenly i stopped listening to my friends
Suddenly i stopped listening to myself
Sadly i turned cold towards my family
Sadly i turned cold towards my friends
Sadly i turned cold towards myself
Everyone tried to talk to me
And i pushed them away
Everyone tried to be nice
And i turned the other way
Everyone was scared to come near me
And i backed away
Everyone thought i was crazy
And i was
I finally disappeared
I drowned in my own tears
I tripped over my own feet
I choked on my own oxygen
I punched my own mirror
I disrespected my own heart
I bled from my own hands
I hurt my own self