Im struggling to talk
Its making me silent
Im struggling to breathe
Its making me hyperventilate
Im struggling to swallow
Its making me choke
Im struggling to see
Its making me blind
Im struggling to listen
Its making me deaf
Im struggling to run
Its making me walk
Im struggling to jump
Its making me stop
Im struggling to move
Its making me freeze
Im struggling to remember
Its erasing my memories
Im struggling to think
Its making me un smart
Im struggling to be happy
Its making me depressed
Im struggling to laugh
Its making me cry
Im struggling to be calm
Its making me angry
I wanna move
I wanna talk
I wanna see
I wanna breathe
I cannot move
I cannot talk
I cannot see
I cannot breathe
Im pushing,
But its pulling
Im pulling,
But its pushing
Im fighting,
And its fighting back
Im struggling,
And its winning
I wanna be free
I wanna go forward
My freedom is punished
And to go forward is forbidden

Just leave me to sit in the corner;
& let me drown in my tears.
Let me try to release all the tension within me.
Allow me to undo this pain.
Allow me to undo this sorrow.
Allow me to rebuild strength.
Allow me to figure things out.
Allow me to be alone.
Just leave me depressed.
Just leave me angry.
Just leave me confused.
Just leave me daydreaming.
Just leave me falling over.
Just leave me drunk with drama.
Just leave me to lose myself.
I never knew it would be this hard to start a new life with someone missing.
All special events;
All laughs & giggles;
All fun times;
Will be greatly missed.
All anger moments;
All negativity;
All ignorance;
Will be regretted forever.
Thoughts racing,
Heart pumping,
Heavy breathing,
Sweating puddles,
Headaches,
Anxiety,
Fear,
Ocean of tears.
Just leave me to lock my door.
Just leave me to fall to the floor.
Just leave me to think.
Just leave me in shock forever.
Just leave me to try and believe the truth.
Just leave me to catch my breath.
Just leave me to slow down my heart.
Just leave me to still my nerves.
Just leave me to sit down.
Just leave me to relax.
Just leave me to act up again.
Just leave me to cry again.
Just leave me depressed again.
Just leave me angry again.
Just leave me to daydream again.
Just leave me falling over again.
Just leave me to lose myself all over again..forever.
Let me drop,
Let me cry.
Let me run,
Let me hide.
Leave me torn.
Leave me in cuts.
Leave me bruised.
Leave me broken.
Leave my heart to bleed;
Bleed from the other half thats been taken away forever.

It seems like your with us everyday
Because i still cannot accept that you are gone
Im missing you more and more each day
Every minute, every second
Im forever bruised
Because the memories still remain
Im forever torn
Because you were taken away
Im forever in pain
Because i know your never coming back
I love how family mistaken my name for yours
Its obvious im your little twin that everyone sees
I love talking about you
I love when people talk about you
The laughs, the smiles, the jokes we share
But deep down im hiding away all the pain
I close the doors
I close the lights
I shut everything out
And hug my pillow tight
My eyes are squeezing out the water
My lungs force out all the air
My heart skips numerous beats
My mind is everywhere
So much time spent remembering
So much time spent thinking
So much time spent hyperventilating
So much time spent crying
My love for you is so strong
Im still crying because i miss you
Im still angry because he took you
Im still learning why he took you
Im still trying to forgive

She craved what she didnt deserve;
Her eyes killed a strength that turned into weakness
It was when she was told that there was beauty greater than her;
She then revealed all her secrets to a mirror who voices the truth
That singing voice hurt her ears
That beautiful face burned her eyes
A jealous soul had a plan to ruin a strong heart of gold
A potion; waited to be made
A poison; waited to be poured
A ***; waited to be heated
An apple; waiting to be boiled
And then a disguise; all in black
Her crown came off, and her cape fell off her back
She turned old & wrinkly
Grey & her voice was squeaky
A basket full of apples were finally carried out to be noticed
Black hair
Fair skin
Red lips
The princess let her in
One conversation
One bite
On the floor
The queen finally shut her eyes

I fought with my head, while my heart was breaking
When i was falling, i didnt even try to save myself
Every action spoke my violence
Every word spoke my truth
Every silent spoke my back
Every anger spoke my cold heart
Every appearance spoke my shadow
I was dark
I was invisible
I ended up hiding from it all
I wanted to run, but gravity forced myself to feel the pain
The pain in which i caused me to regret every serious game
I wanted to go back
I wish the time reversed
Now i carry it all on my shoulders
I was shot with my own words
I was trapped in my own actions
I was caught with my own lies
I was hurt with my own anger
So i cried it all away;
At least i tried but never succeeded
The tears only made puddles for me to drown myself in
I covered my face forcing myself not to breathe
And then i breathed out fire; i burned my own image,
I burned what i was unable to see
My ashes were like dust;
Floating away with the wind
I disappeared and couldnt stay to feel another guilt within my skin

Noises coming from the closet,
Feels like theres spiders in my pocket.
Things breaking in my room,
I see the twitching of the broom.
Whispers between the walls,
Footsteps down the halls.
Turning on my lamp, theres shadows everywhere,
The only thing i can do is say a prayer.
The night is bitter, the wind is strong,
Hoping the night wont be too long.
The smashing windows, the shaking of the bed,
In the end i realized it was all in my head.

Im feeling pounding
Im feeling tension
Im feeling strangulation of my brain
Im feeling dizziness
Im feeling sore
Im feeling chains wrapped around my soul
Im feeling pressured
Im feeling used
Im feeling nightmares all over my dreams
Im feeling angry
Im feeling depressed
Im feeling my moods are being created in my head
Im feeling that i cannot breathe
Im feeling that i cannot speak
Im feeling my body is breaking down
Im feeling cut
Im feeling bruised
Im feeling my skin is ripping through my clothes
Im feeling drained
Im feeling mistreated
Im feeling nothing else but the repetitive pain thats being played from my mind over and over again

Its getting harder to breathe each time the pressure rises
I tried to remove the weight thats weighing me down
But each time i try, i get more heaviness upon my chest
My lungs are getting crushed
My heart is getting squeezed
My bones are getting brittle
My skin is torn
My body is becoming weak
Im starting to break
But my mind is already broken
The air is escaping from my body;
Then i appear dizzy
I can no longer feel;
Im so numb;
Im so drowsy
I feel that im suffocating invisibly
I cannot breathe, but nothing is touching me
My words are strangling me
My thoughts are pushing down on me
My fears are the ones that are crushing me
Now my shoulders are sore,
They carried my own twisted world
My arms are *******,
I used a rope to pull myself in
My legs cannot move anymore,
I kicked myself on the ground
Now i lay underneath it all,
Im stuck below all my mistakes

My chest is so heavy, and i feel like my heart is going to fall
My skin is cold, numb; and i feel nothing at all
And then i feel a puddle; its my tears
that i had made myself sink
Im gasping for air, and i feel nothing except water that keeps pushing me in
I feel like im being dragged to the floor
Like a chain attached to my heart and i can no longer unlock the door
My eyes are closing, they are burning inside
The portraits of pain has made me gone blind
Im so weak within my body;
I fell; noone to catch me
I lay here on the floor and i scream for help so suddenly
Alone; noone around
Noone is near, noone hears my loud mouth
My heart dropped its beat on the ground
Now i cannot hear; im deaf from the loud sound
Like a speaker that blew;
I exploded, and my heart did too
It happened; i broke,
I shattered, my heart spoke
I bled, im on the ground
Im done, no more being dragged down

Reaching to strangle the past
But i was choked first
Ripping through the years
But my days were already ruined
Trying to escape the fears
But my mind was continuously traumatized
Erasing the memories
But my name got washed out fast
Tried to stop the time
But the seconds made life continue
Why the pain
I wanted to stop it
Why the suffering
I wanted to help
Why the anger
I cant control it
Why the depression
I cant stop these tears
Why the bleeding
Take my mind away
When i couldnt do anything
It became worse
When i still cant do anything
The past has ended with ongoing tears
So much drama
I wish i knew alot
So much fighting
I wish i made it stop
So much pain
I just went under and fell forever
When im still trying
Im drowning
How do i fight
My mind never taught me
My every regret punishes my thoughts

My arms reach up,
But never brought back down.
Im down on my knees;
& I dont know how to get up.
Im still falling
Im slowly weakening
Im slowly in pain
I feel as though my walls are sound-proof,
& that my door always locks me up inside.
I feel as though my windows wont open;
& that my phone has died.
I keep waiting,
But I feel that Im waiting for nothing.
Because Im still in the same spot that I started.
I havent budged,
I havent moved,
I havent spoken,
I havent even slept.
& so Ive had nightmares with my eyes open;
& dreamt that things would go back to normal.
I just wanna sleep through the storms of drama,
& wake up to the sun shining on everything thats back to normal.
I just wanna stop the future and relive the past.
The past that was full of happiness,
& not the past that was full of sadness.
If I can just go back,
I would change everything.
I feel that everything has just turned its back on me;
Because everything was my fault.
& I feel guilty because I did nothing to prevent such a tornado;
That tore everything apart.
I wanted to do so much;
Help so many;
But I just couldnt trust myself.
Not capable of anything;
Not successful in anything;
& not smart in anytihng.
I just keep holding my hands out to the mirror,
But the enemy wont take me.
There is no communication with myself anymore.
I do things;
& behind my own back,
Im slowly killing myself.
Lord, I dont wanna ask for your help anymore;
Because you've done too much for me.
& yet you have saved me;
When I should have been left to die.
& in the end I keep disrespecting you;
& so I keep apologizing;
& you keep giving me way too many chances;
I feel as though I have been taking advantage of you;
Because I made it clear to you that I cannot help myself anymore.
I just wanna change everything;
But all my strength has been tortured from all the anger.
All my strength has been tortured from all the stress.
All my strength has been tortured from all the anxiety.
All my strength has been tortured from all the fear.
& all my strength was tortured from me.
Im all on my own,
& I dont know what Im doing anymore.
Years of tolerance has forced me down the wrong path.
I am now a complete mess with everything.
Im unable to guide myself.
Im unable to help myself.
I have completely given up;
Because theres nothing I can do for myself anymore.

For now my body;
Is empty.
My heart used to be complete,
& now one side has died.
Because you were taken away.
Inside im so light,
Because all the heaviness was forced out.
Inside Im so alone,
Because my other part has been taken away.
My head used to be overfilled.
& now it is empty with all that has happened.
& the memories still hide inside of me.
No more solids;
My veins have been shot so many times.
No more liquids;
My body has drowned with the tears I shed.
No more solids;
My heart has been broken.
No more liquids;
My blood has been constantly leaking through my skin.
I have no more protection;
All my strength has been forced out of me.
I have been weakened;
& I cannot defend myself from my fears.
Im unsure of what my moods are
Im unsure of what my head is telling me
Because I have no guidance;
Everything got ****** out of me.
& Im so empty.
Deep inside Im in severe pain.
So much pain;
That I have gone numb.
Noone can undo this.
I cant even undo this.
Everything is just darkness to me;
I can no longer see the light.
Even my spirit has been taken out of my body.
No more happiness;
Replaced with depression.
No more joy;
Replaced with anger.
I appear light-headed.
I appear light-weighted.
Everything has been taken out of me.
So I am;
Hollow

The hot water creates a warm welcoming outside in the night
As I slip into that inappropriate swimsuit,
I already feel the seduction in your eyes
I wanted your lips to quench my thirst;
so we made out under the stars
I felt your hands wander; I began to get weak
Then I felt my breathing get heavy
Nothing for me to hold on to except your body
The waves that moved was created from our bodies
It was a shower without the shower head
Drops dripping from that hot water,
that salty sweat,
and the creamy fluids
Nothing for you to hold except my hair;
Pulling my neck back so that I see the sky  looking like a dark floor
All that steam made it more intense
It got harder to breathe, but easier to love
My breathing switched over to noises;
making it hard to hold in my screams
Immediately your hand puts pressure on my mouth
so the neighbours don’t go deaf
Our love was hotter than the water temperature

I gathered everything that scared me and i tried to swallow it hole
I wanted to get rid of the negativity and make my fears disappear
When i couldnt swallow, i felt myself choking
One way i had to make the pain disappear, is the only way i had so i would face all my fears
My body was weakening
My body was dragging me down
I needed energy to survive
But the energy that i had was to force my conscience out
The evil was slowly taking from me
So then i had to trade my goodness goodbye
I swallowed a knife that made me bleed
But then it took away all my depression and anxiety
I swallowed the alcohol that made me forget
And then it took away the past & regrets
I swallowed the pleasure that made me relaxed
And then it took away my anger & my stress
I swallowed the mirror to search for myself
And then it reflected on what i was actually about
I ate the truth
I choked on the challenges
I spit out the fears
But now ive ****** all the strength outta me

This meaning cannot be explained.
The sad eyes of the mirror,
Is what I stare into.
My body & soul grew so weak.
& I've been invisibly shot;
Through the air;
The bullets forced me to bleed.
My lungs cannot hold the air anymore;
So my breathing is getting slower.
My heart is getting weaker.
In shock with reality,
My body freezes.
Im used to the pain,
So I lost feeling within me
Just like a physical force,
I feel it mentally.
Im hurting in my head & body.
I have no time what physically harms me.
I pierce myself with relaxation.
The blade makes me bleed these moods away.
Hyperventilation.
Anxiety.
Fear.
Anger.
Sadness.
These are the moods of hurt.

I may not be the person I used to be.
& to you I forced on anger & pushed you to your knees.
My world has been torn apart, yes, you are right,
I just see no right path, no healing, and no more time.
I wanted to control myself, and set myself free,
But the other side was watching me.
I just wanted to talk to you,
I just wanted to end it nicely,
But the rage,
The anger,
It was so repetitive & untrusting
Last year they have shown me what I wanted to see,
& now Im still in the same position as they all see me.
Im sorry I yelled,
Im sorry I cursed,
Im sorry I continued to ramble my words.
Hell wasnt the place for you.
Im glad I finally pulled you back through.
I saw your light that you tried to shine,
& now I realized that you were right.
The incisions I made, Im just confused,
I just dont want anything to worry you.
I knew you wanted me to understand,
I really wanted your helping hand.
To help me pull through,
And to pull you in,
I just didnt want any of this to begin.
Yes, you see my poetry is real,
It shows the way I am, and the way I feel.
Please know that I will come to you when I need your help,
Im sorry you felt the way you felt.
So I dont understand why they lied,
But I still continue to cry.
Please dont worry, I will be ok,
I will be normal again one day.
I love you as well with all my heart,
I wish I didnt start that fight that grew us apart.
But it was for a little while,
It didnt last,
Im glad we understood eachother after,
Im glad its in the past.
Again Im sorry for yelling at you.
Again Im sorry for cursing at you.
Again Im sorry for fighting with you.
Again Im sorry for not listening to you.
December of '89;
You insist I was a shining star;
You begged the Lord to not tell you I was gone,
& he listened to your words;
Because I never ended up going far.
Never would I go far away from you,
Because I love you;
I truly do.
Dont ever think a stupid fight will finally tear us apart,
Because without you pierces a hole in my heart.
I know it took me awhile to write this poem,
I was lost and confused,
Then I realized what you wrote.
Let us move on from our past;
Our fights that we had.
Let us be close,
Together again.
Your Niece.

My heart suddenly stopped.
In so much shock;
I can barely move.
I cant stop daydreaming;
& Im trying to think about what had just happened.
Its like there is a lock inside my chest;
Attached to my lungs,
And the key to unlock my airway has disappeared.
My body has been collapsed;
I suddenly fell to the ground.
An anxiety attack;
Crying.
Im being controlled.
Scared,
Confused.
I dont know what I should do.
Choking;
Trying to remember how to breathe,
Im getting so nervous.
Im getting so frustrated.
The messages that Im trying to send,
Just arent passing through.
A wall tears me & everything else apart.
And its like a knife stabbed me in the throat;
Just blocking my strength,
To try to breathe.
Im pushing hard,
But my mind is locking me away.
I have no more strength,
I have no more power,
I have no more energy;
To breathe.
Mentally I have stopped breathing.
Emotionally my heart has stopped.
Physically I have no control.

Sometimes its hard
Sometimes it stops
Other times i forget
I just cant breathe
I want these walls taken away
I feel like im closed inside a cell
And gas has been released to choke me
Its too much to handle
Its too much to remember
How do i control whats controlling me?
Im moving too quickly
Im going insane
I feel like my neck is being strangled by a chain
I cannot escape
I cannot release
The air is going nowhere
Its cutting off my circulation
Feels like a bag is over my head
And i cannot getting off
Now im suffocating
All the heat is in front of my face
I really cannot breathe
My heart is beating faster
My body is shaking
Im so dizzy
Im going to just drop to the floor
Im trying to give myself CPR but its not working
How can i give air if its escaping from my body
Im failing;
Im losing
And im so tired of this game
When am i allowed to breathe?
Something is stopping me
Or someone is stopping me
I look and the mirror and i see my hands on my throat
Now i know whos trying to **** me
My lungs are getting weaker
My throat is getting tighter
My mouth is getting smaller
Im trying to win this fight
I think i have forgotten how to breathe

I keep releasing
I keep letting out
I keep opening up
Im trying to focus,
But my mind is disturbed
Im trying to hide these scars.
Im trying to hide these cuts.
Im trying to block the blood from escaping.
And I cannot save myself,
Because the ****** is me.
When the mirror is in front,
I just jump in and attack.
I keep kicking,
I keep hitting,
I keep punching,
But most of all,
I keep bleeding.
These invisible bruises represent the past;
They faded, but there are bad memories left behind.
These invisible marks represent the future;
In the present I abuse for the past which will continue in the future.
Because Im unable to stop
Im unable to control myself
I have no other way to handle everything.
& by putting myself at risk,
I can just finally disappear;
So I wouldnt feel such depression.
& I just want to escape,
But my body is still in this world.
& you can see that my body is still,
But Im trembling inside.
& you can see my veins,
But my nerves are shaking inside.
& you can hear me breathing,
But Im hyperventilating inside.
& you can see my dry eyes,
But Im crying inside.
& you can see my closed mouth,
But Im screaming inside.
& you can see my my head,
But my mind is bleeding inside.
& you can see my chest,
But my heart is bleeding inside.
& you can see my sleeve,
But my arm is bleeding inside.
I keep opening my wounds,
But I close the pain.
I keep releasing the blood,
But I forget the bad memories.
I keep abusing myself,
& I cant stop bleeding.
& not all the blood is visible,
Because the first dripping is in my head,
My mind cant stay in one piece.
Second, and mostly is my heart;
That aches in pain, with the puddles of blood.
Lastly from all this drama in my head,
& the aching in my heart,
The blood leaks through my skin;
As I finally make the cuts upon myself.
So I will always continue to bleed.

I felt a cold sensation on my neck that travelled to my stomach
From your hands to your mouth, it travelled below my waist
My lungs breathed cold air from the ice that you controlled
I shivered sexually on the bed naked as you continued to melt the ice cubes on my body
I needed a warm sensation to heat my body
I needed your body to cover me
With your lips, you warmed my frostbites
With your hands, you held my wrists tight
With your tongue, you caught every cold drip
With your hands, my hips quenched your grip
My body is cold & wet
My clothes have disappeared and are drenched
You melted a solid down my body
You wanted to see me go crazy

People stare
People talk
People laugh
People judge
Tell me something i dont know
Dont tell me something i already know
Voice your words somewhere else
And please erase what you wrote upon my body
The ink that was permanent wont rub out
By mind is infected by the hurtful sounds
The loudness of everyones mouth,
Now my ears are ringing
Its all *******
And now my heart is stinging
I hear it all
I see it all
I notice it all
I feel it all
If I continue to worry
I will become more stressed
And then these people wont make me rest
Theres jealousy & hate
Theres rumours & truth
But theres never any silence;
Why do people have to talk
Theres no privacy when im there
And when i disappear, people close there eyes
Let me do the things i wanna do
Im sure you can relate
But i know its not about you
Its all about me
Its all about the judging
Its all about the rumours
Its all about the hate
Its all about the jealousy
The judging,
For who i am and what i do
The rumours,
When you dont know my story
The hate,
For me being a *****
The jealousy,
Now u wanna know me;
Now you wanna be me
Dont confuse your own mind with mine
I have a stronger grip
Dont mix in your own heart with mine
I have a deeper anger
Dont try to fix me for your convenience
In the end my tools are sharper
Break the silence,
And tell me to my face
Now leave the circle;
The one that im in
Im glad im the centre of attention
Are you done talking **** now

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to be releaved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

Everything seems like its ending
My mind is driving me insane
My moods are confusing me
I feel that I have lost everything,
And that everything has turned its back on me.
Im just trapped in my own body,
Because Im not what I use to be.
A stranger has broke me apart,
And is now living inside my soul.
Because when I look in the mirror,
I dont know who that troubled girl is.
The exorcist within me has shown me the dark side;
& made me forget the light.
I just dont care anymore.
Memory has faded from my head.
It was replaced with unknown passages,
And an unknown life.
I dont know where to go
I dont know what to do
I dont know who to talk to
I dont know how to live
Im screaming louder then ever,
But noone can hear me.
Im a mute to everyone including myself.
Im running away,
But im unable to hide.
There is nowhere to run to;
Because I just end up running back to myself.
I use a knife to try to get the stranger out of me;
But all that comes out is blood.
The cuts just remain noticeable & leave me cut up,
With the stranger trapped inside me.
I just feel torn apart,
Because my body is here, but my mind is somewhere else.
God please help me,
Because Im not strong anymore.
I feel like my strength has been ****** out of me,
Because I feel drained.
God please guide me once again;
Because I walked down the wrong path.
I have listened to nobody but myself;
And that is the reason why Im stranded,
The reason why Im abandoned,
The reason why I suffer,
The reason why I negatively changed.
Im a danger to myself.
I let all positivity escape me.
And because Im mentally weak,
I always thought I was strong.
I've brainwashed myself into someone I cannot recognize.
& when I look in the mirror,
The reflection blinds me.
When I turn,
It pushes me right to the floor.
I always fell,
Because I bullied myself,
& was unable to defend.
I have bruised the inside of my body
& left myself scared of my own self.
I know that everything is my fault.
I've given up on everything
I have let people down
I have ignored
I have failed
I have lost interest
I have lost hope
I have lost confidence
I have lost self-respect
I have completely lost myself.

The mirror doesnt know how to lie;
& its my enemy.
My head is playing all the games,
& my body tries to fight myself.
Im the best at being the worst.
Im perfect at being clumsy.
Im smart at being stupid.
Im amazing at being ugly.
Im truthful when I say I lie to myself.
Im trustworthy when I say I cant trust myself.
My mind plays games;
& makes sure I lose.
Im so naïve when Im forced to believe something.
It plays a big part of me.
It plays my boss.
& Im always trapped.
Im a prisoner in my own body.
I wish I could change everything about myself.
I just wanna see myself differently.
An angry mood is what I witness.
So unhappy with myself;
& what Ive become.
Its impossible to go back.
Its impossible to change.
Positivity doesnt even enter my brain.
Its forbidden to enter me.
I cant even think.
All the negativity is forced within my body.
I just wanna **** the devil inside me;
And reappear an innocent angel.
I wanna chase the nightmares at night,
& wake up with a beautiful dream.
& if I break the mirror,
I wonder if I can glue it together again;
With a different image than what I see;
When I look through it everyday.
My looks.
My mentality.
My personality.
My attitude.
My weakness.
My anger.
My anxiety.
My depression.
Myself altogether,
Is what needs to disappear.

The noise of thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the blinking lights of lightning strikes at my body; and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears
I like the thunder;
It hides my anger
I like the lightning;
It hides my scars
I stand under the clouds that was pulled from my mind
I  voiced the thunder that my ears had to find
I walked through the lightning that was made with a knife
I run through the rain that was made from my eyes
i find temporary shelter from the storm in my mind
But then i changed..
I kept wanting the feeling of the rain on my face, i became blind
I listened to the thunder too much, i became deaf
I played too much with the lightning, i became weak

So the shelter, that was my body, never lasted.
There was no escapism
I created a storm that was forced not to end
I tried, and i failed
How can a body be a shelter, if the mind is the storm

It was the kinda touch I wanted when I felt your hand around my throat
You squeezed for the air to be trapped, but you wanted to hear a scream
It was the kinda kiss I wanted when I felt your mouth ****** onto my lips
You bit for for me to bleed, and not to be cut
It was the kinda feeling I wanted when I felt your body holding me down
You pressed so I would be trapped, but you wanted to watch my body move
It was that kinda seduction I wanted when I felt everything you did
You made me fall in love with *** all over again

The questions I have been asking myself for years, still haven’t been answered.
I pushed myself behind the walls that I built,
Closed the door,
and locked myself in.
I was ignored after the key got thrown away, and then I never saw myself again
I became lose inside the mirror, but then it shattered into so many pieces
I bled trying to put together the hardest puzzle made out of glass;
The one I made when I broke myself from staring into a mirror that was once together
My mind trained myself to break; forgot who I was,
And turned into a new person that started a dark, unknown world
Even with so many people around, I forced myself to be alone
The walls I built, had no windows
I couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe
The redness of my heart had turned black; matching my walls
And the only stars I saw were the ones made out of tears
Inside my head, my mind trained me to become scared of being sane.

I sit inside four walls
Im in the middle where i cannot breathe
I want to reach out but everything is so far away
Get me out;
I wanna get out
I feel that i cannot breathe because im losing air
Everything is closing in on me as i try to speak
Then when im silent, my heart pounds so loud i go deaf
Im unable to express what i feel
This feeling just cannot be explained
All the anxiety
All the hyperventilating
All my worries
All my fears
All the anger
All the tears
Where are holes that were supposed to me made?
The holes in which i have to force myself to breathe
I closed them
I hid them
Now i cannot breathe
Im choking as im struggling
Im dizzy as i catch my breath
I dont wanna do this anymore
Just let me out of this position
Im trying to do what i want but im being stopped
Im being held back to do so much
I just wanna break free
The outside is what im missing
Looking in, im so alone
In the darkness is what i fear
I fear the invisible truth
As i close my eyes, i listen; but i cannot hear
As i close my eyes, i touch; but i cannot feel
As i close my eyes, im talking; but i cannot speak
And as i open my eyes, i look; but i cannot see where to begin
Im just sealed inside my own mind

Its like a deadly nightmare;
Only Im wide awake.
Its like a death game;
And Im the one losing.
Time passes faster than ever;
Before I know it,
Im hallucinating till the morning.
Im being tricked,
Because my mind is playing games.
Im being punished,
Because my heart decided to fail on me.
Daylight seems forever.
The darkness keeps frightening me.
My nightmares wont stop,
& I keep getting terrorized all night long.
My body jerks.
My body is so tense;
Unable to relax.
My head is the one whos laughing.
Anxiety attacks;
I cannot breathe.
& in the middle of the night;
I either way up crying.
I either wake up screaming.
I either wake up starving.
I either wake up so dehydrated.
Im boil with hot flashes;
Im attacked with burns.
Im invisibly bruised;
Im tossing & turning;
I just cannot control it.
Im just teased from that voice in my head;
That keeps me up.
& so I feel like there is a string attached to my neck;
& that someone is pulling me up on the other end.
I havent yet experienced what sleep really is.
Is it a deadly game?
Will someone try to **** me if I try to sleep?
So disturbed;
I just stay up all night.
& Im so overtired;
That I dont feel tired anymore.
I can never imagine passing out.
I feel as if I can last...
..Because Im lasting the whole night.

It hasnt changed
Im still haunted by fear
Im still terrified of the darkness
My anxiety has not yet stopped,
Because Im still hyperventilating.
Im still stopping to hear if any sounds are present.
My heart is still racing.
My hot flashes are still burning me.
Im still drowning in my sweat.
Im still spinning from the dizziness.
I cannot stand the silence.
The music just breaks it.
I cannot stand my hallucinations anymore.
I try to distract myself.
I cannot stand my depression anymore.
Self-mutilation allows me to relax.
Too many memories are involved in the night.
Too much of the past that turns to the present while I close my eyes.
& the future will always be my fear.
If I fall asleep,
Will I wake up choking again?
Will I wake up crying again?
Will I wake up screaming again?
Will I wake up hyperventilating again?
Its unknown what my mind holds.
Its unknown what my mind is going to hide from me.
I cant take this **** anymore.
Because I have completely forgotten what sleep is.
..Is it a nightmare?
Is it waking up 5 times a night?
Is it staying up the whole night?
No.
This is once again,
Insomnia.
Its continuously staying with me.
I have figured it out,
That it will never leave me.
This deadly disease will stay with me forever.

The darkness feels like its early
The darkness was always my alarm
Irritable disturbances awake me
My fears grow close to harm
Eyes wide open
Body so weak
Skin so hot
Uncomfortable to go back to sleep
Its too quiet
But my breathing is loud
My mind is restless
But my body wants to be down
My memories are coming back
Im starting this darkness game again
Emotionally drained as i try to lay down
My heart is pounding to tire out my brain
I cant force my eyes because they wont stay shut
I cant force the darkness to leave
I cant force the worries out of my head
I cant force my body to sleep
Thoughts running fast right through my head
Anxiety stops me as i try to go to bed
Time is ticking while i try to waste it all
My patients are running as i try to take control
My anger rises; irritated with fear
My sadness lowers me; i cannot control these nightmares
The darkness is leaving; havent rested yet
The morning is approaching; as i continue awake in bed

This is not a poem but my instagram is:
poetrybycaterina

I try to speak,
But my mind shuts my mouth
When im silenced, i cannot think anymore
My thoughts are drowning when i try to erase the darkness
And when i try to turn around, the mirror reminds me of what ive become
I try to see,
But my mind closes my eyes
When im blind, i cannot see where im going
Now i walk away from it all; and my true self has gone forever
Im hidden
I try to breathe,
But my mind suffocates me
Im full of anxiety and i have to hyperventilate to know how to release the air within my weak lungs
I try to move,
But my mind breaks me
My bones are all broken from the mistakes i have made
I purposely ran through the walls; then i had to fall
I try to feel,
But my mind numbs me
All the pain was too much from the hurt i created;
Now i feel nothing
The feeling i have is all frozen inside me
I try to think,
But my mind blocks me
I cannot remember how to speak,
See,
Breathe,
Move,
Feel

The racing flashbacks that i feel,
Are allowing me to want the painful past again
I grabbed a glass that i shouldnt have filled
I grabbed the keys that i shouldnt have taken out
I grabbed a knife that i shouldnt have used
I grabbed a habit that i should have refused
I silenced my past with a cover i want to take off
I hid my secrets under a blanket i want to rip off
I erased my thoughts with the eraser attached to my heart
I broke all my habits with the fights i had to start
I emptied the glass
I threw out the keys
I took away the knife
I broke my habits
But now i cant sleep
Im sober but inside i feel drunk
Im smarter but inside im driving myself crazy
My arms are clean again but inside i still bleed
The habits are gone but inside my head i keep repeating them
Appearance can fool
A story can lie
I cannot explain whats deep down inside

A razor cuts
A knife stabs
A punch bruises
I have been cut but not from a razor
I have been stabbed but not from a knife
I have been bruised but not from a punch
The razor was this tiny voice that noone heard, but was ignored from my mind
The knife was my heart that kept wanting to fight
The punch was my body bringing myself down
I was my own victim that i threw to the ground

Hidden behind me as it whispers in my ears;
"I can help you"
And I was so naive, falling for every move i was forced to do
When i was promised music, it didnt mean that it had to be depressing
When i was promised the light, it didnt mean for the sun to blind me
When i was promised love, it didnt mean that i stay in love with my sorrow
When i was promised justice, it didnt mean that i had to throw things in rage
When i was promised to feel calm, it didnt mean that i had to be loved by alcohol
When i was promised a friend, it didnt mean i had to shake hands with the devil
When i was promised loneliness, it didnt mean that i lock my own door
When i was promised dreams, it didnt mean that nightmares were supposed to appear
When i was promised honesty, it didnt mean that my tears had to drown me
When i was promised strength, it didnt mean for the knife to rub its face on my arm
When i was promised to change, it didnt mean that my innocence disappears;
and so when i was promised happiness, it didnt mean i was happy doing wrong

Its still a nightmare;
& its still so difficult.
Im trying hard.
Im pushing myself.
Im telling myself,
Everyday that its true.
You're gone,
But never forgotten.
And I still think you're here sometimes.
Im still having a hard time accepting this pain.
It wont leave me.
I cant move on.
I cant trust myself without you here.
You were my strength,
And now Im weak without you.
Im feeling like you're trapped behind every picture I look at of you;
& your just unable to jump through the portraits.
Everytime I stare in the mirror,
I wish I was staring at you.
Everytime I go into your room,
I wish I saw you laying down.
The disappearance of your heartbeat,
Made my heart shatter to pieces.
My dreams of you feel so real.
I just wish I could never wake up.
Because when my eyes are open,
You're gone again.
Everytime I hear your name from others,
My body freezes.
And its everything;
Everything in this house,
Everything that I find,
Reminds me of you.
Puddles are everywhere from my tears.
Every tear,
Falls for everything about you;
Everything that reminds me of you.
Everything that was connected to you.
Is this actually happening?
Am I actually trying to live without you?
I just want you to be the one who wakes me up from this nightmare.
I feel like Ive been sleeping for 2 years,
& you havent come to my rescue yet.
& sometimes I try hard not to think about you,
Because it hurts too much.
& when Im so focused on thinking about you,
Its worse,
As I burst into tears.
I ask the same word everyday;
Everytime,
I think of you;
Why?
Why did this have to happen to you?
Why did you suffer all that pain?
& in the end,
You were taken away from all of us.
I cant do this anymore.
Its killing me inside.
I cant move on anymore,
I wanna hide.
I cant live without you here anymore,
Theres nothing left in life.
Why cant you come back to me?
& if not,
Why couldnt I come with you?
Its just so hard for me to accept this kinda pain;
That cut me so deep.
& Im still in so much shock.
& Im still crying.
& Im still grieving.
Its not going to get easier,
I dont care what anybody says.
I cant accept the fact that you're gone.
Im trying to tell myself,
But I cant.
Im trying to explain it to myself,
But I cant.
& by telling myself this,
Its like a slap in the face everyday.
Everyday becomes harder.
Everyday I become weaker.
Everyday I cry more.
Everyday I react differently.
Everyday I have to wake up having to deal with the truth.
I want you here,
& I cant be strong for this.
I love you.
I miss you.
I need you.

Im still feeling the pain.
Im still feeling the sorrow.
Im still heart broken.
Im still in shock.
Im still crying.
And Im still grieving.
I just cant get over it.
& when I think of you,
I cry even more.
I cry even harder.
I cry even louder.
I thought I could control myself,
But my emotions keep controlling me.
& Im still falling on the floor;
Inside my tears,
Drowning;
Unable to breathe.
My heart keeps pumping faster,
Because its racing to find the other piece thats missing.
& I have not adjusted myself.
Im still broken.
All the pieces will never be found & put back together.
When you died,
A part of me died;
& the other part is still suffering.
I still go through your pictures,
& pass by your room with sadness.
& Im still crying every single night.
I dont think I will ever get over it.
Losing you,
Made me lose myself completely;
& Ive died inside my body.
Losing you,
Made me go even more crazy.
I thought this whole year was a nightmare that wouldnt end;
Then I realized your never coming back.
& when you passed,
A huge wound opened up inside me;
Outside me;
& is still open,
& is still bleeding.
Im still learning how to breathe once again.
I suddenly stopped,
When your breathing stopped.
My heart is still pounding fast,
Because its trying to catch up from the day it ended;
With yours.
Im trying to cope with you not being here.
Im trying to pretend your on a long vacation,
For a long while.
Im trying to block out all the negativity.
Im trying to focus.
Im trying to hide my depression.
Im trying to find happiness again.
Im trying to live the way I used to live.
But the key word is,
I cant.
Its a year today since you've been gone,
The first anniversary since you passed.
& Im still feeling that you've died just recently.
So many flashbacks today.
So many breakdowns today.
I just cant get a smile on my face.
I just cant stop the tears.
I will never get over it.
I will never stop crying.
I will never stop grieving.
I will always remember you.
I will always love you.
R.I.P Mom

Stuck;
Unable to move.
Forgotten,
I have died inside my own body.
Lost,
A stranger has taken over me.
And like an evil spirit erupting,
I think it was born inside me.
The new life of an unknown person,
Now lives inside my body.
My original character has been beaten
Tortured to pieces.
& my new character is just outta control.
Thinking how I used to be,
Now I dont even know myself anymore.
From calm to angry.
From happy to sad.
From good to bad.
From innocent to guilty.
I have been torn.
I have been mentally abused.
And now I cant even look at myself mirror;
And say,
"You are going to be ok."
The moods are taking over me.
And I wish I knew how to control myself.
I wish my mind was stable.
But its just so twisted.
Im so confused,
& I dont know what to do anymore.
What Ive become,
Frustrates me.
My nerves dont know when to stop shaking.
My heart;
My breathing,
Doesnt know when to slow down.
& Im just a different person every second,
Every minute,
Every hour,
Everyday.
& so the mirror keeps defending itself,
As I try to see who I really am.
But Im too deep inside inside my body.
Im so locked up.
My true self will never come through.
My true self will never appear.
& when I act up,
& when I go crazy,
& when I explode,
& when I disappear,
& when Im mentally changing,
Its just not me.
Im hidden away forever.

Now its that time to grieve
And be in shock until were settled
Now its that time to cry
Because you left us and we had to say goodbye
Now its that time to be angry
And ask God why she had to leave
Now its that time to be broken
Half the heart is buried
And the other is alone
Now its that time
Now its that time where we can only kiss your pictures
Because your body has disappeared
Now its that time when we can only talk into the air
And hoping u can hear through the sky
Now its that time when we look what you left behind
And wished you were still here
Now its that time we struggle
Because you were always there for us
Now its that time we remember
Because the memories you made will never be forgotten
Now its that to realize
And remember the one who left us is her
But now its also that time i dont want to accept
I dont want to accept that this is forever

Last look that was given
Last movement of the body
Last hearing from the ears
Last breath of the mouth
Last beat of the heart
The first time when our tears were real
The first time when our hearts were heavy
The first time when we couldnt talk
The first time when we couldnt hear
The first time when we couldnt feel
The first time when we couldnt understand
The first time we didnt want to accept
The first time we were forced
The time to cry
The time to scream
The time to be angry
The time to be sad
The time to try to understand
The time to try to accept
The time to be strong
The time to learn what goodbye to someone really means

All at once,
Everything interferes.
All at once,
Everything jumps in.
I cannot handle the depression anymore
I cannot handle the anxiety anymore
My mind keeps driving me insane
& I cannot focus anymore
I feel as if Im being tied down
But really im not,
Im only feeling an invisible rope on my wrists;
And noticing something else.
Im feeling so much pressure;
But nothing is touching me.
I cannot think anymore.
Everything is stuck inside my head;
And I dont recognize anything anymore.
Im up against the wall because I cant breathe anymore.
Everything is closing in on me.
I have forgotten how to think
I have forgotten how to breathe
I have forgotten how to speak
I have forgotten how to see
I forgotten how to hear
Everything distracts me
So I have forgotten how to function

There isnt one day that these eyes dont cry
The tears start from memories
The memories are together safe
Locked away in my heart
But i wanted you to stay
I cant undo whats done
So now im feeling it everyday
Im broken
Im lost
And now its the pain that i truly hate
I knew you couldnt stay
But why all the suffering?
It was hard to see your pain, your weakness, and your eyes
It was hard to show the love;
The one that i regret to show
I showed it with all my strength
When you slowly had to go
Everything was just too late
A troubled girl gone blind
I noticed everything at the last minute
When it was out of time
It replays in my head like a movie;
A sad movie
Its a never ending story;
A sad story
Its a never ending nightmare;
My dreams of you here is never going to happen


rip to my angel x0

Closed doors are locked behind me
Im wanting to escape,
But my strength wont get to work
Im wanting to go back,
But the future wont let me
Everytime i breathe,
My heart locks
Everytime my heart beats,
My blood pours out
Everytime my blood escapes,
I collapse
My mind is dead
While my body struggles
My body fights
While my heart tries to keep up
My heart stops
While my breathing gets weak
My strength leaves me
Im punching the walls
Im scratching the floors
Im pulling the doors
Im trying to open my mind
Im trying to gain strength
Im trying to gain courage
Im trying to gain trust
But i cannot help myself
How do i bail out
How do i free myself
How do i reach the key
Its trapped in my mind

So innocent
So kind hearted
So giving
So loving
The miracles were like magic
And it was like he was a magician
And so he made it all happen..
Cured
Healed
Raised
Stilled
Opened
Loosened
Restored
Fed­
Cleansed
But they didn't like him
But they didn't believe him
But they didn't respect him
They were the definition of Evil
His wrists were trapped
And so he was arrested
Pulled
Pushed
Forced
His body was naked until they clothed him with nothing but a piece of cloth
Embarrassed
But so focused what the next steps
were about to happen
And then he started to feel the pain
Pointy
Circled
A crown on his head
Not just placed;
But pushed into his tender skin above his angelic face
And then he started to bleed
The pain wasn't over
Whips forced to touch his skin
His back covered with blood
And then he became weak
His weakness was trying to fight back his strength
And then this heavy piece of wood
Bigger then him
Thrown on his shoulder
And then he was forced to walk
Thrown to the ground
Thrown on top of a big letter T that was called a cross
The spikes suddenly pierced him
His hands
His feet
His beautiful skin was torn
The holes forced out red liquid that could never go back into his body
It was done
The pain wouldn't end
And then he was taller then everyone
In the air;
Suddenly he was pierced one last time
A sharp spear was forced through the side of his delicate skin
His body;
Ripped to pieces
And then he bowed his head
And then he closed his eyes
And then his last breath was made
And then his heart pumped one last time
And then he left
His soul was taken
His body was taken
Heavy hearts knew he wasn't coming back
And then it was so bright
They couldn't believe their eyes
Risen
He appeared
An angel had been created
Through eyes
Through ears
Through nose
Through mouth
Through heart
Through body
Through mind
The only person who can save your soul
The only person who will forgive your sins
The only person who has the power
The only person who can set you free

Let us **** the wall;
Come into the room;
& lock the door behind you.
Let us **** the silence;
Tell me what you want.
Let us **** the distance'
I want you to come closer.
I just wanna feel you,
& I want you to feel me.
Let us **** our clothes;
Remove eachother's shields from our bodies.
Let us **** out weaknesses;
Allow our strength & energy to take control.
Let us **** the cold;
We need to start heating up the room.
Now let us **** the lights;
In the darkness is where we **** eachother seductively.

I was waiting for that moment that my loneliness would change
The moment that i felt everything;
That moment that i felt beautiful pain
Underneath had been revealed
I feel the gentle touch from your hands
I feel the warmth of your body
I feel the soft touch from your lips
And this is only the beginning
Started with a kiss
So innocent
So sweet
Then i couldnt breathe
So trapped
So weak
And then my lips; indented from your teeth
The swelling of the lips that i couldnt speak
I was locked inside your mouth
The hard breathing that i couldnt control
I was trapped under your body
The screaming that i couldnt hold in
I learned you hated silence
The darkness blinded our eyes
But we can feel
The feeling of being restraint
But the excitement is real
The reality of the kiss
The reality of the love
The reality of the plan
The energy that couldnt stop

Force myself to reach it;
I just need to push up the blade while my tears run down my face.
Like Im in a rush,
Im craving it badly.
My heart pumps faster,
& I hyperventilate.
My anxiety is what suddenly strikes as Im on the floor, crying; freaking.
My strength suddenly turns to weakness as I finally pierce myself.
The racing thoughts slowly die down.
Its like I need air, so I finally stepped outside.
Im finally calm as my nerves recover.
Pleasured by dizziness.
Pleasured by relaxation.
& to see that Im bleeding;
I know its working;
And my mind tells me not to stop;
So im unable to stop.

When the pain started
I prayed the weakness would end
But every night i kept wondering if my words were getting ignored
Every morning was a test that God had to pass
To see if she was better
To see if her weakness had left
Each day i noticed the changes
Each day i noticed her eyes
Each day i noticed she couldnt handle no more
Each day i had tears in my eyes
& whenever suffering was brought to her
The suffering was brought to me
I felt so much anger
I felt so much sadness
I felt so much confusion
I felt so much guilt
My feelings grew so strong when I learned the truth
My feelings were mixed up because i didnt know what to do
I asked myself if i was the villain
Then I answered myself;
God is
My questions were unanswered
My prayers were ignored
My head was injected with lies
From God, doctors, and much more
The time went by so fast
But her breathing was so slow
Undoing the weakness within her heart
Her strength was forced to let go

Suddenly,
Something has just came over me.
Suddenly,
Something just triggered my head.
Im walking slow down the streets,
Im keeping my head down;
So noone can see me.
The wind just whispers in my ears;
"Everything will be ok."
But I just keep staring down at the puddles;
Reminding me of the tears I cry;
& when I drown deep inside them.
I just cant stop day dreaming;
At the traffic lights,
& in my house.
Day turns dark,
My heart is getting faster.
My breathing is getting heavier.
Tears start running down my face.
An anxiety attack is what has approached me.
I cannot control it;
I cannot stop it.
Im on the floor;
"What is wrong with me?"
I cannot control myself;
Im going nuts.
I just wanna close my eyes and never wake up.
Its so quiet,
My cries break the silence.
Its so empty,
My tears fill up the room.
Its so claustrophobic,
My heavy breathing blows everything away.
Its so slow,
My racing heart speeds everything up.
& in the end I drown myself with alcohol;
& in the end I hurt myself;
Relaxing my nerves;
Relaxing my worries
Relaxing my cries;
Relaxing my anxieties;
Clearing all the negativity..
For the moment.
..& then tomorrows another day.