My happiness was a like a fever,
The drugs brought it down.
& the drugs represent the problems that revolved around me.
And there wasnt even a beginning.
So lost;
Unable to reveal where it started.
& Ive been bleeding from day one.
Everything just turned so dark.
I dont even know how to see anymore.
Because happiness is hidden,
& I fear it is lost forever.
Im so trapped inside myself,
That I lost the key to my spirits.
So I locked myself away forever.
The red rose turned black.
The blue sky turned grey.
The green grass turned brown.
And there is no more sun.
I just cant change emotions.
The frown is what Im used to.
And my tears is what I keep drowning in.
Im so torn.
Im so confused.
Im so lost.
Im so tired inside my head.
I wanna undo this pain forever,
But I dont know how.
I wanna heal these wounds,
But they wont close.
I wanna stop these tears,
But they keep falling.
There is nothing to stop this pain.
There is nothing to stop my tears.
There is nothing to stop my mind from bringing me down.
There is nothing to stop this emotion from continuing.
My mind,
Is driving me insane.
I wanna escape this misery.
There is no meaning in my life.
God just let me go.

The anger started; & grew fast.
I was going completely crazy.
Depression wouldnt leave me.
& the river of my tears had pushed me out of the house.
Just needed an escape.
& needed to get away.
Just couldnt think anymore of the sickness that has been brought to her;
The hospital which held her.
Told to stay home,
But I didnt want to listen.
I just wanted to stop thinking.
I just needed the pain to leave me.
Left without a word.
Daddy had no control.
The wind quickly pulled me inside,
To drive away from it all.
The restaurant full of happiness,
I was still filled with sadness.
I was still hurting.
I was still bleeding.
I was still thinking.
& then it was over.
The houses invited everyone back in.
But my head forced me to stay out.
I took off, speeding.
The music was blasted;
Crying inside while I took the wheel again.
My silence never died.
It only became stronger.
I knew I couldnt be where I was,
But I just needed to forget what was going on.
Darker & colder;
Time flew by.
Quieter, & lonlier;
5am arrived.
Finally my energy died.
Finally my silence died.
Finally thats where I had lost control.
It became darker when I shut my eyes.
Then I became so careless.
I became invisibly drunk.
The next lane reached for me;
& ****** me in.
It became so silent.
Then became so noisy.
Coulnt think.
Couldnt breathe.
Just couldnt wake up from the nightmare.
Waken;
I was screaming at the top of my lungs.
Still so dark;
I didnt know where I was.
I felt no pain,
Because the sudden shock took over.
I felt so helpless.
I felt so destroyed.
I felt so broken.
& I was actually broken.
Still screaming,
The rescue took forever.
It was the sound of his voice that had tried to calm me down.
& then finally,
I was free;
With the broken vehicle;
That had finally let me go.
I thought immediately that I was going to die.
I felt the cold air,
Just peeling at my skin.
& I was so confused.
The bed held me up;
As I woke up from the tragic event.
Couldnt move;
And I thought I stopped breathing.
I had only my eyes & my ears to guide me.
When the spoke,
I felt so helpless.
I wanted to scream,
But couldnt.
I wanted to talk,
But couldnt.
I wanted to explain,
But couldnt.
Felt so claustrophobic,
With me being crowded.
Felt so heavy,
With the damage trying to heal itself from my body.
I didnt even know how to act anymore.
My memory suddenly failed on me.
& my mentality was so out of control.
Still thought it was a nightmare,
But I actually felt all the pain.
Mentally & physically.
My strength was put into a deep sleep.
& weakness grew stronger on me.
& with a big happening,
I felt so small.
I felt so weird everyday being there.
So many thoughts kept racing through my head.
Slowly;
But so impatient,
My strength waked itself from my body.
& I pushed myself;
Pushed myself to the limit.
Pushed myself too far,
To just get home quicker.
I faked at times.
I just wanted to go home.
& then it was that one day I couldnt stop the smile,
From hurting my cheeks.
It was when she showed her strength in front of my face.
& all her weakness died,
When she put everything aside,
To be so strong for me.
I thought she was angry,
But only the sound of her voice spoke so strong; so happy.
& I didnt even make an effort to ask about the pain within her.
I only saw it in her eyes;
That she was hurting deep inside.
& she was trying so hard to be so strong.
& when she left me each day,
My tears drowned me again.
Another wound on my body that was made.
Waited so impatiently,
I was so angry.
So frustrated.
So depressed.
The more I faked,
The more faster I thought I would leave.
And at the same time,
I pushed myself.
& forced my strength to come back again.
& in my mind,
I was thinking stronger;
To push even harder.
My strength had finally came.
My weakness had finally disappeared.
Back to normal once my body stepped foot into my door.
I felt strong again.
I moved again.
I breathed again.
Physically strong,
But now Im mentally weak.
Its over,
But the memories haunt me.
Memories of everything,
Everyone,
& myself.
No forgiveness is necessary towards myself; just hate..
To damage,
To cause a disaster.
& to cause such pain.
So inside,
Im still in pain.
Still thinking.
Still feeling the same emotions.
Im ok now,
But scarred for life.
Nothing will be invisible.
Im actually not ok.

Mentally Im in pain.
Mentally I suffer.
Mentally Im numb.
Physically Im abusing myself.
Mentally Im killing myself.
Emotionally I turn my back on myself.
I have tried to escape my fears.
I have tried to escape the person within me,
To find myself again.
Nothing;
Ive disappeared.
Its like in invisible,
But my body is still here.
Over & over,
Ive been tortured.
Over & over,
My mind has been playing games with me.
Over & over,
Ive lost trust within myself.
Now Im so ruined.
Now Im so destroyed.
So destroyed,
My mind lost control completely.
So destroyed,
My body lost all its strength.
So destroyed,
Ive lost myself completely.
Everyday I get weaker.
Because everyday the pain gets stronger.
& finally everything has drained me.
I lost myself,
& I dont know where to go,
To look for my spirits.
Im completely gone.
Im completely invisible.
Im completely ruined.
Im completely destroyed.

Everything in life was a lie.
Everything in life was a nightmare that wont end.
Everything in life was meant to be games.
And I was meant to go crazy.
Im unable to focus anymore.
And suddenly,
Im lost.
Suddenly,
Im missing.
I tried to end the pain,
But it got the best of me.
I was fooled,
& I got trapped inside a cage thats impossible to escape.
& my head is bleeding;
Eternal & external.
I fall & drown into my own puddle of blood.
As I keep bleeding,
It turns into a river;
A river that carries me away forever.
In my head I think its too late.
In my head I think there is no escape.
In my head I think I will never be the same again.
& its too strong.
It cant just be taken away.
Each day it adds on.
So every tear tells a story.
Every story reveals the truth.
All the truth are wounds that will never be healed.
Im left to feel pain forever.

Piano

Just take it slow.
Lightly press my keys.
My voice isnt powerful until this song is near the end.
Its a *** piece that you have to create
Undress me;
The cover is my clothing you rip off from my body.
Start playing me; Start releasing sounds from my mouth.
I want you to play me from top to bottom.
I want my silence to turn to sounds.
& then my moans will reach the top of my lungs when you continue to play.
Play me with your tongue,
Play me with your hands.
I want the sweat to rise above me;
Acting like notes in the air,
As you perform this piece of music.
My body is your instrument;
Play me soft.
Play me rough.
Play me hard.
Your hands control me.
Your body puts pressure on me.
Your ears control how loud you want me to go.
Control me in different ways.
Control me in different speeds.
Control me with different sounds.
My legs arent able to move.
My body isnt able to move.
Maestro in a naked suit;
Your my composer.
Your my conductor.
Your my teacher.
But we are each other’s entertainer.
But I have nowhere to go
Only in your hands,
I will stay.
Only in your hands,
I will obey.
Only in your hands,
You shall play.
Each key has a word.
Each word has a meaning.
Each meaning will be the performance I want you to play.
So read what I put in front of you
Read the Kamasutra
Read the notes all over me
I want you to play them on my body
So in between the keys of A to G,
I want you to F me.

The first set of cuts has hit me fast.
It started to poke a hole,
But hasnt gone through yet.
The tears went slowly down my face.
The second set of cuts got me struggling.
The hole is a quarter through.
Shaking.
Nervousness.
The tears added speed down my face.
The third set of cuts pierced everything farther;
& made everything even worse.
I thought it was a nightmare.
The hole is half way through.
Ruined,
But alive;
Im ok now,
But scarred for life.
The tears paced down my face.
Now I was cut really deep.
It isnt true when they say that the first cut is always the deepest.
Because this last cut is the deepest.
It has touched a vain so deep;
That hole that was started,
has pierced all the way through.
The tears poured,
& poured nonstop;
Down my face.
Each episode drives me to cry harder & harder every single time something happens.
These mental cuts cannot me controlled.
I feel as if a knife had cut me into pieces;
& the burning sensation left me so confused.
& my room is the hospital;
I make myself poor blood from my body.
I am my own surgeon;
But Im unable to heal these wounds.
& because its so difficult;
Everyday I cry,
Everyday I scream,
Everyday I bleed.
Mentally,
Emotionally,
Physically,
I bleed.
Every single wound,
Will never heal.
Im cut forever.

Decisions of everyones thinking;
The sounds of they're voices.
So sick.
So tired.
I dont wanna hear it anymore.
And Im being controlled by everything;
Everyone.
My mind is so confused.
My heart cant give me a response.
& my breathing is releasing itself from my body.
Im breathing,
But not on my own.
Im hyperventilating,
And they're making it faster.
Ive stopped breathing,
So they've suffocated me.
Im struggling so much.
I dont know what to believe.
I dont know who to trust.
I lost control of it.
I hear so much *******.
But when I want the truth,
Theres so much static for me to understand.
So controlled,
I feel so trapped.
So naive,
I feel mislead.
So claustrophobic,
Im being forced to breathe in different ways.
Fast to the point I cannot catch my breathe.
Slow to the point that the air has stopped.
My heart,
My head,
Is so confused.
My head,
Is no longer in charge of me.
That master is dead.
So everyone has taken over.
Im in knots.
Im being fooled.
Im being lied to.
& Im going crazy.
The drama they cause,
Plays with my body.
Its an overreaction I cannot control.
Its the breathing I lost control of.
So the air comes through when they have me in the spot.
They're voices hurt my ears.
They're breathing overpowers mine.
They know how to control me.
So confused,
I gave up.
Everything can just finally destroy me.
Because inside Im mentally dead.
Im in the middle of it all,
So I just wanna break & fall.
Inside Im already broken.
The whispering,
The talking,
The staring,
First anxiety.
The lies,
The cheating,
The games,
Second anxiety.
The yelling,
The fighting,
The issues,
Third anxiety.
The anger,
The depression,
The confusion,
Its never gonna stop.
I know they have the power to control my air.

My heart suddenly stopped.
In so much shock;
I can barely move.
I cant stop daydreaming;
& Im trying to think about what had just happened.
Its like there is a lock inside my chest;
Attached to my lungs,
And the key to unlock my airway has disappeared.
My body has been collapsed;
I suddenly fell to the ground.
An anxiety attack;
Crying.
Im being controlled.
Scared,
Confused.
I dont know what I should do.
Choking;
Trying to remember how to breathe,
Im getting so nervous.
Im getting so frustrated.
The messages that Im trying to send,
Just arent passing through.
A wall tears me & everything else apart.
And its like a knife stabbed me in the throat;
Just blocking my strength,
To try to breathe.
Im pushing hard,
But my mind is locking me away.
I have no more strength,
I have no more power,
I have no more energy;
To breathe.
Mentally I have stopped breathing.
Emotionally my heart has stopped.
Physically I have no control.

My heart is beating normally.
My breathing is so steady.
Until I wait;
Wait for you to ruin me.
You've already ***** me with your eyes.
I felt the blades piercing through my body.
Now I want to feel that pain with your hands.
I want to feel that the closer you walk,
The more excited I get.
The closer you walk,
The speed of my heart;
The speed of my breathing,
Gets faster.
Mentally,
Im ******* you.
Physically,
I want to copy the movie thats playing in my head.
The more I stare,
The more I want.
The more I want,
The more dehydrated I get.
& my body needs yours to quench mine.
My body needs yours to enter mine.
& my body needs yours to calm mine.
Excitement is striking even more;
My breathing is starting to get heavy.
& I need your lips as a puffer;
I have an invisible asthma, and its getting worse.
I need you to breathe into me;
Fill my lungs with your air & strength.
All these naughty thoughts going through my head is just strangling me.
& Im strangled by your ****** presence.
Its causing me to find my breath and catch it.
Causing me to find my pulse and relax it.
& then there you were;
Right in front of me.
No more invisible wall.
No more waiting.
I was getting so impatient.
& then we **** the lights.
& then we **** the clothes.
Entering me finally,
The look in your eyes were asking me to breathe harshly.
& then your energy took over my body.
Your ears just wanted to hear,
Your eyes just wanted to see,
How crazy you can get me.
Then finally,
All your power,
All your strength.
All my power,
All my strength.
I wanted more & more each time.
Gasping for air,
There were no words.
Gasping for air,
I couldnt even speak.
The air through my lungs,
Turned my body into a tornado that you've created.
& so Im spinning with unstoppable pleasure.
You've released your energy onto me.
I've released my excitement onto you.
Im beginning to choke.
The air through my chest,
The pounding of my heart;
I blame you.
I have forgotten how to breathe.
I have forgotten how to scream.
The pleasure that Im feeling cannot be described.
Faster,
Harder,
Deeper;
My breathing is speeding up.
Stronger,
Crazier,
Driven,
I cannot catch my breath.
Hotter,
Sweatier,
Harsher,
Im finally hyperventilating.

These wounds arent healing;
& the pain is too strong for me to handle.
Ive fought enough,
But fighting the person within me.
My mind has put a stop sign in front of my own eyes;
& like the naive girl that I am,
I obeyed.
Ive pulled myself away from everything,
& abandoned my spirits.
Im no longer the person I used to be.
Changing into a stranger I dont even know,
Im finally broken.
Im not strong anymore.
My strength was taken from my own self;
& all this time Ive been sick.
I dont know what to do anymore.
Its too late for me to get better.
& I regret turning my back on everything,
Everyone,
Myself.
Never understood anything,
Because I wasnt allowed to be smart.
My mind had locked me up from day one;
& so I couldnt learn.
But only learned how to bleed.
And so my mind took me somewhere else.
My mind transformed me completely.
& I wish I wasnt here;
To bring all the pain to life,
To be who I am now.

Its the weight of the world that brought me to the ground.
Its the things around me that took away my ability to balance.
But most of all its my mind that took away my strength.
Unable to focus.
Unable to move.
Im mentally exhausted from the past & the present.
The future will erase my energy forever.
The forces are ******* my strength right out of me.
Im unable to control everything around me.
My body feels like its going to break,
& I feel so lightheaded.
& its like a disease Im unable to fight off.
A disease Im unable to control.
It will slowly take me away.
It will slowly break me down into pieces.
It will rip my strength out of my body.
Everytime I try to walk,
Im falling.
Everytime I try to see,
Im blinded.
Everytime I try to hear,
Im deaf.
Everytime I try to talk;
Try to breathe,
Im suffocating.
Everytime I try to touch,
Im numb.
Everytime I try to think,
My brain freezes.
I feel as though my body is being squeezed;
With my blood dripping all over the floor;
The puddles just waiting for me to drown inside my own liquid.
I have no strength for anything anymore.
I have no energy for anything anymore.
I have no patience for anything anymore.
I have given up.
My weakness came alive,
& killed all my strength.

There is no escape.
Its so dark in here;
& I dont know whats going on.
Noones around to feel this pain.
Noones around to free me.
Im so blind,
I cant see the positivity.
Negativity strikes me like lightening,
Piercing my veins;
Shocking my nerves.
I notice Im blindfolded.
My head is put in its place,
& my body is being held down.
Im so still,
The shock is too much.
It leaves my mind blank & unable to think.
The chains on my body are making me go completely insane.
The rope on my throat gets tighter everytime I scream;
& so slowly,
Im unable to breathe.
A prisoner,
I feel I am;
I dont think I can get out of this trap.
Like a nightmare that wont end,
Im living a horror film.
I want this to end.
I want to be free.
But the more I struggle,
The more worse everything gets.
Im trying to forget about this cage Im in.
Im trying to forget about how claustrophobic it is.
Im trying to forget whats holding me down.
Im trying to forget about everything.
But everything is happening all at once.
Finally,
Im going to explode.
Im blindfolded,
To not see the positivity.
My body is in chains,
To not fix whats going on.
My neck is tightened with a rope,
That pulls tighter,
Everytime I scream for normality to come back.
My heart has a lock in it,
& the key went missing;
To make sure it gets ignored,
Each time I wanna listen to it.
The razor bracelets on my arms & hands dig deep inside my skin,
Making sure I dont stop bleeding.
It goes deeper & deeper into my skin,,
Everytime I try to move,
To make sure Im too dizzy to focus.
My head is bolted against the wall,
To have a hold on my thinking;
To have a hold on what controls my body;
& what controls my thinking.
Finally Im inside this dungeon;
A million chains.
A million locks.
Im unable to be free.
My mind is too powerful,
Because I feel what Im thinking.
The perspective of a prisoner.
This is what I feel in my own body.
This is what my head makes me suffer with.
It is me that locked myself up.
I turned off the lights in front of my own eyes,
& ended up locking up myself away forever.
Im hidden from everything.
Far away from being normal again.
It all feels so real,
Because my mind messed me up.
& I actually feel like a prisoner in my own body.
Im gone forever.
I made sure I will never escape.

Only my thoughts,
Cause so much drama between myself and I.
Only my eyes see what I will do.
& my actions are controlled from my brain.
My heart is just beating so fast;
Screaming for it not to begin.
While my head doesnt want it to end.
I just cant explain the pressure.
I just cant explain the pain.
My mind has me locked up.
My mind has me like a prisoner,
Who cannot escape.
Cannot escape my fears.
Cannot escape the pain.
And cannot escape the depression.
I cannot be calm.
Everything is just getting to me.
I cannot just ignore.
Everything is asking for attention,
& I cannot stop.
My energy is taking over.
Its when Im triggered,
I just go outta control.
Then at that moment,
My body temperature rises.
Im boiling with anger.
Then at that very moment,
My heart is in danger for a heart attack;
Speeding up will finally make me lose control.
Then at that very moment,
Im hyperventilating;
Just trying to catch my breath.
& then at that very moment,
Im so focused when I think.
I know my plan.
Im know what I need to do next.
Cant think.
Cant breathe.
Will not stop.
Im so convinced,
That its the only way out.
Yet at that very moment,
Im so dizzy.
Im so relaxed.
& Im just laying here;
Not caring.
Not listening.
Turned my back on my heart,
& turned to my head for guidance.
& Im so focused.
Finally I lay here,
Arm dripping,
Bleeding the pain away.
This is how I escape;
This is the only way out.

Stuck;
Unable to move.
Forgotten,
I have died inside my own body.
Lost,
A stranger has taken over me.
And like an evil spirit erupting,
I think it was born inside me.
The new life of an unknown person,
Now lives inside my body.
My original character has been beaten
Tortured to pieces.
& my new character is just outta control.
Thinking how I used to be,
Now I dont even know myself anymore.
From calm to angry.
From happy to sad.
From good to bad.
From innocent to guilty.
I have been torn.
I have been mentally abused.
And now I cant even look at myself mirror;
And say,
"You are going to be ok."
The moods are taking over me.
And I wish I knew how to control myself.
I wish my mind was stable.
But its just so twisted.
Im so confused,
& I dont know what to do anymore.
What Ive become,
Frustrates me.
My nerves dont know when to stop shaking.
My heart;
My breathing,
Doesnt know when to slow down.
& Im just a different person every second,
Every minute,
Every hour,
Everyday.
& so the mirror keeps defending itself,
As I try to see who I really am.
But Im too deep inside inside my body.
Im so locked up.
My true self will never come through.
My true self will never appear.
& when I act up,
& when I go crazy,
& when I explode,
& when I disappear,
& when Im mentally changing,
Its just not me.
Im hidden away forever.

Like a bat in the night,
Your unable to rest your eyes.
& you charge into my room as a thunderstorm begins.
Your wings make you fly over top of me.
Its the force of your mind,
That pushes yourself onto my body.
I can already tell your twisted;
I am your first & only victim.
& your eyes try to hypnotize.
As Im forced to look deep inside you,
Im falling under your spell.
Your crazy; but gorgeous eyes weaken me.
Your hands,
So strong.
They slowly tighten me;
Making it hard for me to move.
I know that your never gonna leave,
Until you get what you want.
My ears are suddenly ringing from your whispers.
My mind is filled with your naughty thoughts.
& so you told me your lips were dry;
& so you told me I will quench your thirst.
& with a naked neck on my body,
You slowly moved your mouth towards me.
It was slow,
But the stabbing was so quick.
Your teeth were like thorns;
So sharp,
So controlled.
& suddenly I felt pressure.
Im hyperventilating;
Trying to breathe,
But its so hard.
By body,
Shaking.
My body,
Dizzy.
My body,
Slowly fainting.
& with my blood flowing to the floor like a river,
You finally got a hold on me,
& wont let go.
You stabbed me with your pointed teeth.
You stabbed me hard.
Your bite was like a snake;
& your poison released my blood.
I am now in your hands.
& after I faint,
You can finally take advantage.

Desperate to release the red liquid within my body.
I wanna feel the dizziness;
& relaxation my body hides inside.
Blades of a weapon,
Is what my hand is thirsty for.
The cuts,
Is what my arm is hungry for.
Scars of depression is what I want to make.
I tease my veins,
But I destroy my skin.
I hide my frowns,
But at home I cry out loud.
My sleeves protects me,
But underneath is a disaster.
The starting is all in my brain.
My mentality goes nuts.
My heartbeat increases.
Im hyperventilating,
& my nerves cant stop shaking.
A nervous feeling erupts.
The knife is suddenly in my hand.
I cant turn back now.
Its just at that point,
Where I cant stop.
Its just at that point,
Where I need to focus.
Its just at that point,
Where I need to be left alone.
No distractions.
No interruptions.
I need to focus on damaging.
I need to focus on relaxation.
I need to **** my inner self.
& I need to destroy whats outside of me.
I need to satisfy my conscience.
I just need to bleed.

The mirror doesnt know how to lie;
& its my enemy.
My head is playing all the games,
& my body tries to fight myself.
Im the best at being the worst.
Im perfect at being clumsy.
Im smart at being stupid.
Im amazing at being ugly.
Im truthful when I say I lie to myself.
Im trustworthy when I say I cant trust myself.
My mind plays games;
& makes sure I lose.
Im so naïve when Im forced to believe something.
It plays a big part of me.
It plays my boss.
& Im always trapped.
Im a prisoner in my own body.
I wish I could change everything about myself.
I just wanna see myself differently.
An angry mood is what I witness.
So unhappy with myself;
& what Ive become.
Its impossible to go back.
Its impossible to change.
Positivity doesnt even enter my brain.
Its forbidden to enter me.
I cant even think.
All the negativity is forced within my body.
I just wanna **** the devil inside me;
And reappear an innocent angel.
I wanna chase the nightmares at night,
& wake up with a beautiful dream.
& if I break the mirror,
I wonder if I can glue it together again;
With a different image than what I see;
When I look through it everyday.
My looks.
My mentality.
My personality.
My attitude.
My weakness.
My anger.
My anxiety.
My depression.
Myself altogether,
Is what needs to disappear.

Im unable to swallow,
Im unable to breathe.
I feel like there is a thousand knives stuck in my throat;
Just going deeper & deeper,
Cutting off my circulation.
I have no strength to open up my airway.
I have no strength to stop the blood from escaping my body.
It burns;
Im trying to breathe,
But I appear to choke.
Im in so much pain;
Each knife feels like a set of hands;
Strangling me tighter & tighter,
Each time everything gets worse.
Everything is trying to enter me all at once.
Its too much for me to swallow;
& everything gets lodged inside.
I have forgotten how to breathe,
& I have forgotten how to swallow.
My heart is getting weaker.
Its slowing down.
My blood has turned cold,
& stopped the flow through my body.
My skin has suddenly gone numb.
My fingers & toes wont stop tingling.
Everything is happening all at once.
Cant swallow,
Cant spit it back out.
I just need to finally give up.
Just allow everything to take away my freedom to breathe.
Its all becoming more of a struggle.
Struggling for air;
Gasping,
Helpless,
In need to breathe.
In need to reach out,
But unable to swallow.

The colour red,
Took over all the other colours;
As my anger takes over all emotions.
Like a switch that turns on in my head;
Im suddenly alert at what tends to strike me.
I feels like Ive been hit with a thousand bricks.
It feels like Ive been burned with fire.
It feels like Im choking,
& so I try to grasp for air.
It feels like my heart stops working each time.
It feels like my body collapses all together.
Its at the moment that my mind thinks its ok to allow me to snap;
Allow me to lose my temper.
Im wanting to control myself,
But I keep losing my mind.
I cant find the strength to control myself.
Im guilty of anger.
Im guilty of going off the deep end;
& finally drowning.
I only find my strength when Im strong enough to lose control.
So violent;
The doors I slam.
The things I throw.
The floor that I bang.
My hair that I pull.
My skin that I pierce.
My vioce that I project.
My whole body;
That creates a storm.
Im so full of rage.
Its a nervous heart beat,
Pounding through my chest.
Instead of breathing,
Im gasping for air.
Im unable to relax;
I overreact at each situation.
I feel so trapped inside my body;
Like there is something inside me that wont escape.
Its making me go crazy,
As it controls me.
So hard when I try to calm myself down.
The more I try,
The more outta control I get.
My nerves wont stop shaking.
My heart wont stop pounding.
My mind wont stop racing.
Acting before thinking,
Im physically dangerous.
Thinking before acting,
Im mentally wanting to **** myself.
I wish I knew what to do.
I wish I knew how to deal with everything.
I wish I knew how to control myself.

Allow me to escape.
I wanna just forget everything;
& leave everything behind me.
I need to disappear;
Run from all the problems.
I need to erase myself from everything.
I dont wanna be seen anymore.
I cant look at myself in the mirror anymore;
Allow me to shatter it to pieces.
I wanna be invisible on the floor;
So I can step all over myself,
Step on my chest to stop breathing.
I wanna just end my heart;
End myself.
End my life.
Its too much to handle.
Im going crazy.
I need to be distant from everything & everyone.
I just dont know what to do anymore.
Im unable to control myself;
& everything around me.
I wanna close my eyes,
& never wake up.
I wanna lock myself away from the world;
Throw away the key,
& hide where noone can find me.
Now I need to carve a button on my skin with a knife;
Called delete.
& when I press on it,
I slowly bleed my life away.

I wanna feel your lips.
I wanna feel your teeth;
My neck is naked without your face on me.
Breathe on me.
I wanna feel you close.
I wanna feel your energy.
I wanna feel your body.
Lie me down with force.
Im bidding for us to play a game.
Let us play with eachother physically;
Because mentally Im already playing with you with my eyes.
Let us tear each other’s clothes, & undo our souls.
Let us escape into the darkness, & dance under the sheets.
I crave you.
My body is hungry for you.
Im dehydrated,
And you need to quench my thirst.
Im unrestrained;
When you try to have a hold on me.
Your beatings break me.
They break everything but my heart;
And it is strong from our energy.
I tackle you,
As you tackle me.
Then as you tighten your hands around my wrists,
You slowly enter me
As the speed gets intense,
I dont want you to slow down; nor stop.
Our breathing gets harder.
Our hearts pump faster at the same speed as one another.
You make me scream louder.
Its impossible to stop our actions.
You leave my neck bruised from your mouth.
I leave your back bleeding with the scratches from my nails.
We make the bed smash the wall,
As we continue to dance between the sheets.
You seductively ***** me;
& then we were sexually torn.

Im still feeling the pain.
Im still feeling the sorrow.
Im still heart broken.
Im still in shock.
Im still crying.
And Im still grieving.
I just cant get over it.
& when I think of you,
I cry even more.
I cry even harder.
I cry even louder.
I thought I could control myself,
But my emotions keep controlling me.
& Im still falling on the floor;
Inside my tears,
Drowning;
Unable to breathe.
My heart keeps pumping faster,
Because its racing to find the other piece thats missing.
& I have not adjusted myself.
Im still broken.
All the pieces will never be found & put back together.
When you died,
A part of me died;
& the other part is still suffering.
I still go through your pictures,
& pass by your room with sadness.
& Im still crying every single night.
I dont think I will ever get over it.
Losing you,
Made me lose myself completely;
& Ive died inside my body.
Losing you,
Made me go even more crazy.
I thought this whole year was a nightmare that wouldnt end;
Then I realized your never coming back.
& when you passed,
A huge wound opened up inside me;
Outside me;
& is still open,
& is still bleeding.
Im still learning how to breathe once again.
I suddenly stopped,
When your breathing stopped.
My heart is still pounding fast,
Because its trying to catch up from the day it ended;
With yours.
Im trying to cope with you not being here.
Im trying to pretend your on a long vacation,
For a long while.
Im trying to block out all the negativity.
Im trying to focus.
Im trying to hide my depression.
Im trying to find happiness again.
Im trying to live the way I used to live.
But the key word is,
I cant.
Its a year today since you've been gone,
The first anniversary since you passed.
& Im still feeling that you've died just recently.
So many flashbacks today.
So many breakdowns today.
I just cant get a smile on my face.
I just cant stop the tears.
I will never get over it.
I will never stop crying.
I will never stop grieving.
I will always remember you.
I will always love you.
R.I.P Mom

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to relieved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

To walk away from.
To turn my back on.
To ignore all.
I wanna leave everything,
& I want everything to leave me.
I wanna just walk out on everything.
To forget the past.
To forget what's going on.
& not think about the future.
I just want the wind to blow away all the problems,
All the fears,
All the mistakes,
& all the regrets.
I wanna close my eyes,
& end up in another world.
I cant handle patience.
I want everything to be over now,
& allow everything to escape.
I just feel the need to get away from the issues.
Im unable to solve everything.
Ive lost interest in trying to make things better.
Ive lost interest to put things back in place.
& being broken,
I wouldnt know where to start.
Im trying to focus.
Im trying to think.
But I cant.
Ive turned the light off in my head,
So I dont see anything.
The darkness hides what I dont wanna deal with.
I need to take myself away from here.
I need to leave.
I need to go far;
Far away to escape everything.
To lose myself;
To lose everything,
To forget everything.

I just feel like my mind was shut down,
Heart was stopped,
Breathing has slowed down,
Muscles have gone relaxed,
& my body has just weakened all together.
The tears from my eyes,
Break the happiness within me;
When suddenly I just fall to the ground with anxiety.
My breathing is at the speed of my heart,
Witch is going too fast.
My strength leaves me,
& I dont know what to do.
Laying on the floor helpless;
Noone can hear my cries.
Laying on the floor bleeding inside and out;
Noone notices in my head Im about to die.
& when I try to walk,
My legs suddenly fail on me.
& when I try to crawl,
My arms wont give me any power.
Im on my stomach with my face to the floor.
Im screaming,
Im yelling,
Im crying out loud.
The mirror is my only witness;
& my soul is the only one that feels my pain.
My spirits try to take away all evil Im trying to let go of.
& I continue to lay;
Hoping My body breaks the silence,
As it regains its strength once again.
It was a sudden move.
When I get striked once,
It feels like im being striked a thousand times.
& its when you cant handle everything all at once.
Like a surprise;
You just shock yourself.
& I shock myself nonstop.

I dont have time to catch my breath;
& its catching up to me.
My body has broken down;
With my head on the floor.
I kicked it so far that Im so lost.
So my pieces have fallen;
But they are too sharp to put back together.
My heart was stabbed.
My head was completely torn from my body.
& so I walk with strings attached to my soul.
Ive gone so numb.
Ive gone so mute.
Ive been suffocated.
The water that drowns me,
Are the tears I want to take back into my body.
If I continue to stop the air ,
The air will continue to stop forcing itself through my body.
I just want everything to end.
I want myself to end.
Hide my face,
To hide myself.
Numb the pain,
To numb myself.
Cut out blood,
To cut myself.
Break the mirror,
To break myself.
Strangle my throat,
To strangle myself.
Cut off the air,
To cut off myself.
Im losing all air,
So I breathe no more.

Everything is sealed inside me.
Everything is trapped inside me.
My head is being played with;
& Im getting mentally exhausted.
Feeling claustrophobic;
& closed up inside.
All the positivity escapes through my mouth as I choke.
While the negativity is held back;
Locked inside my body.
My body temperature is rising;
& I feel like Im going to explode.
I drown myself when Im watered down;
As Im burning like a fire;
But either way Im still destroying myself.
And its like everywhere I turn,
Im completely trapped.
I just need an escape.
I just need to drop all the problems to the ground.
I just need to forget everything.
My head is pounding.
My heart is racing.
My tears are falling.
I cant control myself.
Im getting so frustrated inside.
Im getting so nervous inside.
I wanna just tear my heart outta my chest;
& smash it on the floor.
Because I know Im not strong;
So then it will break.
Just like I break myself.
So I need to undo everything;
I need to let everything free.
For the time being,
For the moment.
I cant help it;
Because I cant take it anymore.
I need to open myself,
& let everything out.
Everything being lodged inside me,
Is making it difficult for me to breathe.
I need air.
I need space.
I need to lose myself.
I need to allow my skin to hemorrhage.
I need to allow my blood to carry out everything out of my body.
I wanna be left dizzy.
I wanna be left unstable.
I wanna be left trying to fight the problems away.
So with a knife;
Leave me on my own.
Leave me weak without strength.
Theres no other way.

So happy all of us together;
Because you were around.
You looked so beautiful;
& so happy to be with us once again.
I was happy that you came back.
All of us,
So surprised;
But it felt so real.
Felt so normal.
So comforting to be with you.
The conversations where we left off last,
& The stories we spoke of.
Your company made us all stay together.
Made us all reunite again.
Fun & games;
All the girls in one room;
Laughing about everyday life.
And then it happened once again;
You had to go.
Questions were asked.
So you told us you needed to leave forever once again.
To go back up to heaven;
& then we all suddenly drowned in our own tears.
After you came back,
I really thought you were back forever;
& never leaving us again.
So you went around to everyone of us;
Said your goodbyes.
I broke down in tears;
Told you not to go again.
But you said you had to go.
My tears suddenly washed away all my happiness;
And then you tears started to fall.
And you never drowned like we did;
But it all ended;
& you were gone.
I woke up so depressed.
I woke up so confused.
I woke up crying;
& then I balled my eyes out.
I felt like i was in another world.
A beautiful dream with you back;
With a sorrowful ending with you disappearing once again.
My head is still pounding;
I just stayed up all night feeling different.
I just felt like I suddenly got worse.
Now everything is going to get worse.
This dream really ****** me up;
& Im still crying.
Im traumatized once again.

I am the stranger.
I am the enemy;
Whom I fight with everyday.
Kills me to see the person I am today.
Kills me to see the person Ive become.
Kills me to see what I look like.
Kills me to see what I really am.
I cant turn my back on myself,
Because I dont wanna walk away;
When I can just destroy myself.
I wanna break the mirror,
So I can break myself.
& on the other side, is my soul trying to escape.
Now Ive taken my fist;
And punched the mirror.
Now Ive taken water;
And wet the mirror.
Now Ive taken the hammer;
And smashed the mirror.
My fist left me bruised.
The water made me drown.
The hammer broke me into a million pieces;
& now I lay bleeding,
Broken into pieces;
On the ground.
The only way I go blind from seeing myself is through the mirror.
The only way I break is through the mirror.
Because without the broken glass,
I still have to live looking at myself.

I was taken advantage of.
I am now fallen apart.
Cant focus
Cant think.
Cant speak.
My head pounds as I think.
My throat hurts as I speak.
And my heart slows down while I try to breathe.
Im just certain that my strength has been ****** out;
& I was injected with weakness.
I feel like my bones have been filed down to dust;
& that my skin has turned its colour.
Im feeling so weird.
Im not myself anymore.
My mind cant hold anymore information;
So everything is escaping,
And Im choking on all the letters when I try to make words as I try to speak.
My body is shaking,
Because I cant hold myself up anymore.
& everytime I walk,
I fall to the ground.
Im slowly breaking.
Im slowly falling apart;
Because I have lost all my strength.
Noone can save me now.
Noone can fix me now.
Everytime I look in the mirror,
I ask "why have you lost your strength?"
I get a reply saying "you've done it to yourself."

Listen to me guide you to my body;
I wanna whisper something in your ear,
& then act it out.
Listen to my plan;
Agree with what I ask of you;
& shut the door behind you.
Listen to my rules;
You have no choice but to obey me.
Just listen to me;
Allow your lips to read mine.
Just listen to me;
Allow us to caress eachother's body.
Listen to me;
Let us increase our energy levels.
Listen to me;
Let us open the bed.
Listen to me;
Let us strip eachother's clothes.
Listen to me;
Pick me up, then push me down.
Listen to me;
Let us finally heat up the room.
Now listen to me scream with pleasure.

Let us **** the wall;
Come into the room;
& lock the door behind you.
Let us **** the silence;
Tell me what you want.
Let us **** the distance'
I want you to come closer.
I just wanna feel you,
& I want you to feel me.
Let us **** our clothes;
Remove eachother's shields from our bodies.
Let us **** out weaknesses;
Allow our strength & energy to take control.
Let us **** the cold;
We need to start heating up the room.
Now let us **** the lights;
In the darkness is where we **** eachother seductively.

In the middle of it all;
Im unable to break through.
Ive been pierced deeply,
& Ive learned how to bleed.
Its tight around my body;
& Im squeezed so hard.
Like Im in my own web that Ive created for myself;
Because Im so trapped.
Im unable to breathe;
Because the thorns are so sharp,
As they pierce me deeply.
Im just slowly losing blood;
Im just slowly losing myself.
Cant move.
Cant scream.
Cant escape.
My veins slowly split into pieces;
& my bones suddenly crack in half.
Im torn apart;
As my heart breaks apart from my body.
Im spinning fast.
Its getting me dizzy.
Its getting me dripping.
& soon Im going to drown in my own blood.
They are too deep inside my skin.
Im deeply pierced on every inch of my body.
& I think its too late to catch my breath;
Because Im choking while Im pierced in the neck.
Its too late to try to escape.
Im caught.
Im trapped;
& I cannot get out.
Im on a bed of thorns.
The wind shoots me with thorns;
& Im held hostage in thorns;
& I cannot escape;
Because they have a hold on me.
Im in the web of danger;
Im in the web of thorns.

A dark cloud appears above my head.
The light has disappeared before my eyes.
& Im left in the darkness;
Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to hide.
All Im hearing is thunder;
It starts to call my name.
The lightning blinds me suddenly as I try to escape.
Im so lost;
& dont know what to do.
Im so confused;
& dont know how to respond.
Im so scared;
& dont know how to behave.
Dark clouds keep coming my way.
Thunder tries to turn me deaf.
Lightning tries to blind me.
I dont wanna be followed anymore.
I dont wanna be chased anymore.
I dont wanna be seen anymore.
& then it starts pouring;
The water drowns me slowly;
Because the force is too strong.
& I cannot keep myself up.
The blue happy sky felt all my pain;
& so it turned its happiness into depression,
Black & dark;
As it cries & tries to water all the problems away.

Everything is just building up inside me.
Everything is getting trapped in my head.
Nothing can escape me;
& Im unable to breathe.
Everything is up to my throat;
So I have no more room to take anything else in.
I keep myself closed in;
& so I keep everything inside.
Too much is being thrown at me;
& I cannot defend myself.
So Im bruised all over.
My wounds stay with me forever;
Because my scars will never fade.
& my heart will never be the same again.
Im just broken up inside;
& each piece has a problem attached to it.
I just want to put myself together again;
& let problems slide completely off my body;
& shatter to pieces;
Like I did on the floor.
I have no time to think.
I have no time to breathe;
When all the weight is on my shoulders.
Its like Im carrying the world.
My strength cant hold me up anymore;
Because everything has just pushed me down;
& now its too late to help myself up.
& If im lucky, an elevator will bring me back up to the level I started at.

Ive delt with enough ****,
Because I kept myself standing.
Ive heard all the negativity,
Because I kept my ears unblocked.
Ive witnessed what I didnt wanna see,
Because I held my eyes open.
Ive been verbally abused,
Because I didnt want to defend.
I gave my strength to other people,
Because I saw their pain.
Ive showed happiness,
Because my other emotions were still unborn inside me.
Ive held my tears back,
Because I thought I was brave.
I pretended to be smart,
Because I didnt want to show that I was so confused.
I was so quiet that my problems were  never shared with people,
Because I thought I could have helped myself.
I started to become hyper;
I started to become angry;
I started to become depressed;
I started to become anxious;
I started to become scared;
I started to become miserable,
I started to become forgetful,
I started to become nervous,
I started to change everything into a person I didnt recognize anymore.
And in the mirror I try to find that girl I used to be;
But I know she has disappeared.
..So now I lay like a piece of glass;
Broken & shattered on the floor.

Force myself to reach it;
I just need to push up the blade while my tears run down my face.
Like Im in a rush,
Im craving it badly.
My heart pumps faster,
& I hyperventilate.
My anxiety is what suddenly strikes as Im on the floor, crying; freaking.
My strength suddenly turns to weakness as I finally pierce myself.
The racing thoughts slowly die down.
Its like I need air, so I finally stepped outside.
Im finally calm as my nerves recover.
Pleasured by dizziness.
Pleasured by relaxation.
& to see that Im bleeding;
I know its working;
And my mind tells me not to stop;
So im unable to stop.

Painted with a smile;
My frown is whats permanent.
Painted with strength;
My weakness is whats permanent.
Painted with happiness;
My depression is whats permanent.
Painted with beauty;
My ugliness is whats permanent.
Painted with sober;
Drunkenness is whats permanent.
Painted with stability;
My dizziness is whats permanent.
Painted with relaxation;
Nervousness is whats permanent.
Painted with ease;
Stress & anxiety is whats permanent.
Painted with a map in my hands;
Confusion is whats permanent.
Painted myself all over again;
But how I look,
How I act,
How I express myself;
Is whats permanent.

I dont wanna tell myself anymore;
Because I dont wanna believe it.
I feel as though Im having a nightmare;
& Im unable to wake up.
I try to tell myself that I will see you one day.
But its so hard to know that you are not ever coming back.
I cannot stay positive;
Because Im just lying to myself.
& when Im negative,
I make myself worse.
I cry every night.
I think every second.
I **** myself everyday to make up for those times that you suffered.
& things wont ever be the same again;
Because you were the other half of me,
& now Im completely broken.
The long vacation your on,
Means your never coming back.
I wish I could have came with you mom.

Too much to think,
My mind has been clogged.
Too much to hear,
My eardrums have stopped receiving sound.
Too much to see,
My eyes have been forced to stay closed.
Too much to breathe;
Too much to speak,
My throat has been tighten so no air can pass through;
& so too much of everything,
The air has stopped my body completely.
..Too much of everything,
I have given up.

No space to move.
No room to breathe.
Im held inside myself;
Im locked up inside myself;
& my mind controls me.
Its like my blood is turning into soil.
Its like my bones are rotting.
& my body is slowly getting weak.
& my body is slowly losing its strength.
& my body is slowly losing control of the mind.
Disconnected;
My mind is slowly failing.
Its hard to breathe;
Because everything is caving in on me.
I wish there was another door to go through,
Because Ive been locked inside through the other end.
So claustrophobic;
No air can enter through me.
& when it does passes;
It just blows me down to the ground.
Im not seen.
Im not mentally alert.
Im so lost inside myself.
Im so dead inside myself.
See me as I am.
I am what you see.
But inside Im so invisible.
My mind is so mental.
My strength has turned to weakness.
& inside Im so closed in.
Its like my body is the coffin;
That gained solid to trap me up inside.
& I cannot breathe;
Because there is no air.
& I cannot see;
Because there is no opening to see.
& I cannot move;
Because my body & mind is locking up my spirit inside.
Im lost.
Im hidden.
Im buried inside my body.
& Ive pushed myself way too deep;
So deep,
I cannot get out.

Replaced my head with a stone;
Because Ive knocked myself out several times.
Replaced my bones with sticks & twigs;
Because Ive gained weakness.
Replaced my face with fire;
Because I kept trying to burn the mask.
Replaced my hair with water;
Because I kept drowning in my tears.
Replaced my arm with blades;
Because I kept hurting myself.
Replaced my feet with thorns;
Because I kept piercing my balance.
Replaced my hands with weights;
Because I kept falling.
Replaced my blood with alcohol;
Because I drank to forget.
Replaced my heart with glass;
Because I broke it in a million pieces.
Replaced myself with a stranger;
Because my old spirit has given up.

The world was filled with happiness.
The world was filled with joy.
My family was filled with positive emotions.
But I was just filled with negative emotions.
I just woke up so depressed;
Because I didnt have you here.
The first time in my life;
Spending this day without you,
Made me feel so uncomfortable around people,
So unfocused around people,
So weird around people.
I just couldnt stop daydreaming about you;
& what it would be like if I had you here.
& because I wasnt used to this,
I didnt know how to handle it.
My tears have drowned me so deeply;
& Im sinking because I cannot keep my head up.
All I felt was empty.
All I felt was pain.
All I felt was depression.
& now It all wont go away.
The week of this day all i heard on the radio was "Mother's Day,"
& my heart stopped;
Then my breathing went faster;
& then it was like my body just got an electric shock.
Inside I was so numb;
Chills up & down my spine,
I just froze.
Now this day has come,
& Im missing something...
You're company,
You're love,
You're sweetness,
You're kindness,
You're happiness,
You're kisses,
You're hugs,
You're cooking,
You're spirits,
My Mother.
I just never thought I would spend this day without you.
I just never thought I would never see you again.
I just never thought I would regret so many things.
I just never thought I would feel this guilty.
I just never thought I would cry so much.
I just never thought that each day will get worse.
& I just never thought I would end up being so mentally weak;
Because I cannot handle it.
Without you here really kills me.
Without you here makes me unstrong.
Without you here makes me fill up the house with my tears.
& without you here on this day will never ever be the same.
& I will continue to cry forever.

Eyes wide open,
My eyes never tire out.
It suddenly startles me,
when the light goes down.
Unable to shut my eyes,
Unable to fall asleep.
Unable to finally wear off,
Unable to be in peace.
Im just in disturbia when the night approaches;
Insomnia when I try to sleep.
Silence is getting noisy;
The darkness is what scares me.
My nightmares haunt me all night;
My body just jerks with fear.
My nerves are just shot;
Everything is just so unclear.
Im just so overtired;
That I dont even feel exhausted.
Im just so out of it;
My sleep habits are forever melted.
Im so woken up from the darkness;
& so restless from being up.
Im so sick & tired of trying to overcome my fears;
I just feel so locked up.
& everytime I try to close my eyes;
My body jerks reminding me not to pass out;
& every night Im losing sleep;
But I can never turn the lights out.
& its just insomnia keeping my eyes busy on a lookout;
& its just all in my head;
But Ill never get over the fear;
No matter how much I shout.
So Im awake when my alarm starts;
Im awake all night long.
To suffer with patience for the day to come;
Because when I try to fight my fear,
Im just not that strong.

You motivated me to pray to you.
You motivated me to love you.
You motivated me to talk to you.
You motivated me to go to your house.
You motivated me to listen to you.
You motivated me to be good.
You motivated me to ask you for forgiveness.
You motivated me to see life.
& from time to time, I noticed you were slacking off.
& from time to time, I noticed you were getting me confused.
& from time to time, I noticed you were playing with my head.
& I prayed to you since I was just a little girl.
& I thought I could trust you.
& I thought I could depend on you.
& then It all went down the drain when her heart started to weaken.
Never in my life would I have thought this would happen.
I know you witnessed me pray the minute she was sick.
I know you witnessed my tears run down my face.
I know you witnessed me curse.
I know you witnessed me going crazy.
I know you witnessed me stress out.
& now you witness me a mess.
God you have made me see the worst Ive ever seen in my life.
God you have created a big disaster in my life.
& because of that disaster,
You took half my heart.
& half my heart is the piece I cant live without.
& the piece I cannot live without,
Is the body you put to rest.
& the body you put to rest,
Had no reason to leave me.
& I dont wanna put my hands together no more;
Because you made me pull them apart.
You made me witness her suffering.
My eyes witnessed her spirit being taken away.
& now I witness an empty room,
An empty chair,
An empty couch,
An empty seat,
An empty bed,
An empty floor,
& my empty eyes;
Because I cannot see what used to be here.

It hasnt changed
Im still haunted by fear
Im still terrified of the darkness
My anxiety has not yet stopped,
Because Im still hyperventilating.
Im still stopping to hear if any sounds are present.
My heart is still racing.
My hot flashes are still burning me.
Im still drowning in my sweat.
Im still spinning from the dizziness.
I cannot stand the silence.
The music just breaks it.
I cannot stand my hallucinations anymore.
I try to distract myself.
I cannot stand my depression anymore.
Self-mutilation allows me to relax.
Too many memories are involved in the night.
Too much of the past that turns to the present while I close my eyes.
& the future will always be my fear.
If I fall asleep,
Will I wake up choking again?
Will I wake up crying again?
Will I wake up screaming again?
Will I wake up hyperventilating again?
Its unknown what my mind holds.
Its unknown what my mind is going to hide from me.
I cant take this **** anymore.
Because I have completely forgotten what sleep is.
..Is it a nightmare?
Is it waking up 5 times a night?
Is it staying up the whole night?
No.
This is once again,
Insomnia.
Its continuously staying with me.
I have figured it out,
That it will never leave me.
This deadly disease will stay with me forever.

Left behind
Left alone
Left to worry
Left to run
Left to hide
Left to disrespect
Left confused
Left to be abused
Left to be forgotten
Left in the darkness
Left in silence
Left in distress
Left to be trapped
Left to cry,
& drown in tears which fall from the eyes.

I wish I had gained feeling,
So I could have had all your pain.
I wish that I fell,
So you could have kept standing.
I wish I had distraction,
So you could have been focused.
I wish that I had headaches,
So you could have lost all yours.
I wish that I had gained weakness,
So you could have gained strength.
I wish that I had lost my voice,
So you could have spoken.
I wish that I had gone deaf,
So you could have heard.
I wish that I had lost my sight,
So you could have seen.
I wish that I had stopped breathing,
So you could have breathed.
I wish that I had listened to you,
So you could have made me understand.
I wish I hadn't yelled at you,
So you could have been stress-free.
I wish I didnt ignore you,
So you could have spoken to me.
I wish I had respected you better,
So you could have set me straight.
I wish I hadn't lied to you,
So you would have never had to worry.
I wish I did what you asked,
So you wouldnt have done it on your own.
I wish I had made you happy,
So you wouldnt have been down.
I wish I spoke to you nicer,
So you wouldnt have had to take my negative feedbacks.
I wish I hadnt pushed you away,
So you could have known all my problems.
I wish I told you everything,
So you could have pushed me down the right path.
I wish you had seen your daughters grow up,
So you wouldnt have had to miss anything.
Because now your gone,
Now your not here,
And I cannot stop crying.
I miss you,
I love you,
And I needed you;
But your no longer here.
I am now no longer strong anymore,
Because you were my strength.
And you were the other half of my heart.
But I know now, that your not suffering anymore;
& that your now with God.
Your in a better place now,
And your watching out for all of us.
I love you,
And I've always loved you.
You were the other half of me.
But I know even though I cannot see you,
Your always going to be with me.
And I cannot wait to see you again.
dedicated to my angel in heaven

Its like a deadly nightmare;
Only Im wide awake.
Its like a death game;
And Im the one losing.
Time passes faster than ever;
Before I know it,
Im hallucinating till the morning.
Im being tricked,
Because my mind is playing games.
Im being punished,
Because my heart decided to fail on me.
Daylight seems forever.
The darkness keeps frightening me.
My nightmares wont stop,
& I keep getting terrorized all night long.
My body jerks.
My body is so tense;
Unable to relax.
My head is the one whos laughing.
Anxiety attacks;
I cannot breathe.
& in the middle of the night;
I either way up crying.
I either wake up screaming.
I either wake up starving.
I either wake up so dehydrated.
Im boil with hot flashes;
Im attacked with burns.
Im invisibly bruised;
Im tossing & turning;
I just cannot control it.
Im just teased from that voice in my head;
That keeps me up.
& so I feel like there is a string attached to my neck;
& that someone is pulling me up on the other end.
I havent yet experienced what sleep really is.
Is it a deadly game?
Will someone try to **** me if I try to sleep?
So disturbed;
I just stay up all night.
& Im so overtired;
That I dont feel tired anymore.
I can never imagine passing out.
I feel as if I can last...
..Because Im lasting the whole night.

Once upon a time I was I red rose.
The sparkling jewels in my eyes lit up while the happiness destroyed me.
My rosy cheeks would warm up my whole body.
I didnt believe in frowns.
I didnt believe in anger.
I didnt believe in sorrow.
I forgave and forgot.
& the clear liquid was the water from the sunshower;
That poured out of my peddles so slowly and fluently.
My stem kept me strong.
I never fell once.
The grass was my bed,
And the sun form the beautiful blue sky was my alarm clock.
The birds were my music,
And the wind was my fan.
...& then it all fell apart.
& then it all destroyed me.
Destroyed with all the drama;
My redness turned black.
Destroyed with all the drama,
The sparkles in my eyes went down.
My rosy cheeks turned me so pale.
I suddenly frown.
I suddenly appear angry.
I suddenly appear depressed.
The liquid that was clear was only my tears.
& so the liquid that poured out of my body was red;
So it became my blood;
Flowing with rage out of my peddles.
My stem is no longer strong.
It grew sharp thorns;
Thorns with what I use to damage myself.
Thorns that pricked me to become weak.
& made me fall.
I now lay on the hard cement.
Cold & dark.
My alarm clock is now the thunder.
My music is the storm,
Depressing & dark.
The sky is not blue anymore,
But grey.
Now my fan is a tornado;
Which completely blows me to the ground.
My peddles start to fall,
My stem gets weaker,
My only strength is the thorns;
Which pierces me deep.
And as I pierce myself,
Im bleeding through myself;
Making puddles on the ground.
& each thorn counts for every problem;
So the thorns keep growing.
I have changed my colour.
I have dropped to the ground.
I have lost my strength.
I have changed myself completely.
Depression is the only mood that I feel everyday.
& happiness is the only mood that will never return to me.
The red rose I was before;
Died down to a black rose I am now.