Suddenly,
Something has just came over me.
Suddenly,
Something just triggered my head.
Im walking slow down the streets,
Im keeping my head down;
So noone can see me.
The wind just whispers in my ears;
"Everything will be ok."
But I just keep staring down at the puddles;
Reminding me of the tears I cry;
& when I drown deep inside them.
I just cant stop day dreaming;
At the traffic lights,
& in my house.
Day turns dark,
My heart is getting faster.
My breathing is getting heavier.
Tears start running down my face.
An anxiety attack is what has approached me.
I cannot control it;
I cannot stop it.
Im on the floor;
"What is wrong with me?"
I cannot control myself;
Im going nuts.
I just wanna close my eyes and never wake up.
Its so quiet,
My cries break the silence.
Its so empty,
My tears fill up the room.
Its so claustrophobic,
My heavy breathing blows everything away.
Its so slow,
My racing heart speeds everything up.
& in the end I drown myself with alcohol;
& in the end I hurt myself;
Relaxing my nerves;
Relaxing my worries
Relaxing my cries;
Relaxing my anxieties;
Clearing all the negativity..
For the moment.
..& then tomorrows another day.

I may not be the person I used to be.
& to you I forced on anger & pushed you to your knees.
My world has been torn apart, yes, you are right,
I just see no right path, no healing, and no more time.
I wanted to control myself, and set myself free,
But the other side was watching me.
I just wanted to talk to you,
I just wanted to end it nicely,
But the rage,
The anger,
It was so repetitive & untrusting
Last year they have shown me what I wanted to see,
& now Im still in the same position as they all see me.
Im sorry I yelled,
Im sorry I cursed,
Im sorry I continued to ramble my words.
Hell wasnt the place for you.
Im glad I finally pulled you back through.
I saw your light that you tried to shine,
& now I realized that you were right.
The incisions I made, Im just confused,
I just dont want anything to worry you.
I knew you wanted me to understand,
I really wanted your helping hand.
To help me pull through,
And to pull you in,
I just didnt want any of this to begin.
Yes, you see my poetry is real,
It shows the way I am, and the way I feel.
Please know that I will come to you when I need your help,
Im sorry you felt the way you felt.
So I dont understand why they lied,
But I still continue to cry.
Please dont worry, I will be ok,
I will be normal again one day.
I love you as well with all my heart,
I wish I didnt start that fight that grew us apart.
But it was for a little while,
It didnt last,
Im glad we understood eachother after,
Im glad its in the past.
Again Im sorry for yelling at you.
Again Im sorry for cursing at you.
Again Im sorry for fighting with you.
Again Im sorry for not listening to you.
December of '89;
You insist I was a shining star;
You begged the Lord to not tell you I was gone,
& he listened to your words;
Because I never ended up going far.
Never would I go far away from you,
Because I love you;
I truly do.
Dont ever think a stupid fight will finally tear us apart,
Because without you pierces a hole in my heart.
I know it took me awhile to write this poem,
I was lost and confused,
Then I realized what you wrote.
Let us move on from our past;
Our fights that we had.
Let us be close,
Together again.
Your Niece.

Fallen apart,
Broken;
Bleeding through my scars.
Torn,
Shattered,
Bruised through my bones.
Im so weak;
Unstrong;
Without anymore strength.
Im just drained from everything.
Im just hurting from everything.
& Im drowning in my own tears.
I try to swim against my waves that I have created,
But I appear to sink.
I am my own enemy;
Because I gave myself no support.
& I threw out my own strength;
By fighting against myself.
In the end my arms bleed.
In the end my head is spinning.
& in the end my body is the one that leaves.
Im just a puzzle that noone can ever put together;
Because I have sliced my body in pieces.
& the one piece that is missing is my head.
I have just lost it.
I have just broke apart from it;
Because it is somewhere else,
While my body lays here;
In weakness.
& Im so helpless;
So hopeless.
I cannot control whats destroying me.
I cannot control whats breaking me.
I cannot put myself together again,
Because I am damaged

You dont need my approval.
Just do what you think is right.
You dont need my advice.
Cause I know you know what your doing.
Push me down.
Caress my body.
Undo my shadow;
& **** my soul.
Control me.
& just hold me down tightly.
Press your lips against mine;
& just slide your tongue slowly down my body.
Allow your hands to shatter my clothes.
Allow your hands to cuff my wrists.
Allow your teeth to pierce my neck.
Allow your presence to make my blood boil with excitement.
Just make me your victim.
Allow me to attract punishment.
Allow me to seek what your plot is.
Allow yourself to give in more.
No more teasing.
Dont allow me to take your games anymore.
I want you to perform what you whispered in my ear.
Finish what you started;
& start what you plotted.
My body is all yours;
So take advantage.
So kiss me seductively,
Touch me harshly,
Pressure me nicely,
& *** me roughly.
I am the victim who lays in your bed.
So just **** me softly.
In the end,
I wanna die with unstoppable pleasure.

Unable to breathe.
Unable to speak.
Unable to hear.
Unable to see.
My hands are choking my own throat;
& my feet are tripping my own body to the ground.
This invisible cage Im locked in,
Has made me a different person.
I appear crazy.
I appear angry.
I appear depressed.
I appear negative.
I appear bitter.
I appear fearful.
I appear in distress.
Whos going to save me now?
Whos going to listen to my screams?
Cause this voice in my head,
Is forcing me to swallow everything;
When my heart wants me to spit everything out.
No place to go.
Nowhere to run to.
Noone to talk to.
I have abandoned myself.
I have abused myself.
I have killed my spirits.
My soul stays trapped in the mirror forever.
Everywhere I turn,
& everything I touch;
Traps me inside my own mind.
It doesnt allow me to think.
It only allows me to fail.
Because this stranger doesnt recognize me anymore.
She ripped me apart.
She fought me to the ground.
She tortured me until I dripped with blood.
She made sure noone was around.
I,
The stranger.
I,
The abuser.
I,
Who trapped myself inside my own head.
I cannot escape my fears anymore.
Because I forced myself to struggle.

Black roses;
Took over the red roses.
The rain that falls,
Has turned into blood.
& the only clear water;
Is the tears from my eyes.
So abandoned,
My shadow is my company.
So afraid,
The light was my saviour until darkness blacked it out.
The grey clouds have taken over the sun.
The cold has taken over the hot.
Black roads.
Black tunnels.
Black forests.
Im running from the darkness.
Im running to the light.
Im running from everything.
Im trying to run away from life.
The wind blows me deeper & deeper into the black forest.
The vines pull me closer & closer to the black roses.
The rain drowns me to the ground.
My nightmares;
So dark.
My nightmares;
So black.
I cannot sleep anymore.
So scared;
Insomnia takes over me.
So worried;
My brain wonders constantly.
I feel as if im in a forest with no exit;
Because my mind has brought me deep into it.
A new world has appeared to me;
The dead roses,
The dead grass,
The dead plants,
The dead leaves,
The old trees,
The red water.
Im trying to escape,
But im only bringing myself deeper & deeper into this forest.
Its so dark,
& I cannot see whats around me anymore.
The light suddenly died,
When the darkness took over.
Im only hearing the winds of sorrow.
Im only listening to the screams of the birds.
Im only watching everything die.
& I feel myself slowly dying.
I have just given up.
I have just stop trying.
Because Im at the dead end of the forest.
& there is no way out.

For now my body;
Is empty.
My heart used to be complete,
& now one side has died.
Because you were taken away.
Inside im so light,
Because all the heaviness was forced out.
Inside Im so alone,
Because my other part has been taken away.
My head used to be overfilled.
& now it is empty with all that has happened.
& the memories still hide inside of me.
No more solids;
My veins have been shot so many times.
No more liquids;
My body has drowned with the tears I shed.
No more solids;
My heart has been broken.
No more liquids;
My blood has been constantly leaking through my skin.
I have no more protection;
All my strength has been forced out of me.
I have been weakened;
& I cannot defend myself from my fears.
Im unsure of what my moods are
Im unsure of what my head is telling me
Because I have no guidance;
Everything got ****** out of me.
& Im so empty.
Deep inside Im in severe pain.
So much pain;
That I have gone numb.
Noone can undo this.
I cant even undo this.
Everything is just darkness to me;
I can no longer see the light.
Even my spirit has been taken out of my body.
No more happiness;
Replaced with depression.
No more joy;
Replaced with anger.
I appear light-headed.
I appear light-weighted.
Everything has been taken out of me.
So I am;
Hollow

Black roses fell down from the dying trees
The red ones lay down in her bed
White roses wait to free her
& blue roses has drowned everyone in their tears.
The happiness went quiet throughout the days of pain
& after I heard the news I was ready to run away.
Depression filled up everyone's soul;
Mine especially.
I still dont understand why he took you away.
As you grew weaker,
I grew weaker with you.
& when you left us;
I died with you.
Im just visible;
But Im buried inside my body.
Puddles of tears,
Shocks & fears.
Noone knew what to do
Noone knew where to go
Noone knew how to focus
Noone knew who to talk to
I didnt know how to cry anymore
My tears stayed within me;
While people force me to be strong.
Not for myself;
But for the people I truly love.
Because when I held your other two daughters close to me while you lay;
I was forced not to cry.
& It killed me afterwards.
Inside I was choking
Inside I wasnt breathing
Inside my heart was slowly shutting down trying to reach yours
Inside I wasnt thinking
Inside I was worried for them
Inside I was crying for them
Inside I was trying to breathe for them
Inside my heart tried to calm down for them
Inside I was living for them
& the last days we saw you;
I still never cried the way everyone was.
I was told to be strong for them;
But my strength has held everyone up;
While their weaknesses has brought me down.
I just felt I needed to give away my strength;
So they wouldnt fall like the way Im falling now.
Because the last night you were shown;
I just balled my eyes out.
Walking down the isle,
Just listening to the sad music.
Knowing that you wont be here anymore.
I just felt the tension everywhere.
But I kept everything inside.
I needed to concentrate on them;
To be so strong for them.
I knew I had the strength within me.
But in the end Im unable to fight away my weakness today.
All my strength kept everyone going.
All my strength kept everyone forgetting.
All my strength kept everyone laughing again.
All of my strength leaves me in tears.
The tears nobody saw,
The tears nobody expected,
The tears nobody would notice,
The tears that were forced onto me while I forced my strength onto everyone.
The tears I drown in everyday.

Ive damaged myself.
Ive abused myself.
& now I walk to a place so I can just drop to the floor.
I just wanna forget everything.
I just wanna close my eyes forever.
Everyday Im drinking *******.
Everyday Im drinking pollution.
Everyday Im drinking poison.
& I cannot stay sober anymore.
Im just drunk on life.
My head is spinning;
& I just continue to be dizzy,
Because Im unable to control myself.
Ive turned so crazy;
Mentally;
Im an invisible alcoholic.
But only Im drunk with problems.
I was sober until I inhaled so much drama.
& now I just cant stop falling over.
Im so confused;
& I dont know where to turn.
Because Im just turning in circles;
& I just end up right back where I started.
How do I stop?
I just want to stop being controlled.
I wanna just be sober again.
But my mind is not letting me throw everything up.
I wanna just spit everything out.
I wanna puke everything up.
Because Im mentally sick inside.
& It got me drunk.
So drunk,
I dont know what Im doing anymore.
So drunk,
I cannot think anymore.
So drunk,
I cannot recognize anymore.
I keep falling.
I keep breaking down.
Im just acting up.
I want everything to just stop.
My body is slowly losing strength;
Because Im so drunk on life.
Im so unfocused,
Im so confused.
My mind suddenly gave up on me;
Because its somewhere else,
While my body is visible.
Ive given up on so much,
& Ive given up on myself.
Because I let the problems take advantage of me.
So tired.
So warn out.
I finally just drop to the floor.
I cannot handle it anymore.
Life has drained me inside;
& filled me with invisible alcohol.
& its too much,
That Im so sick.
But I just cant throw anything up.
Because all the problems are continuously damaging my body inside.
So I finally realized,
That nothing can stop this drama from damaging me.
So forever my body,
Forever my soul,
Forever my nightmares,
Forever I will be..
Wasted.

This is what I choose
So dont make me change my mind
This is how I want to live
So dont pressure me to move away from memories
Dont question me
I dont reveal,
So then you cant comment
Dont talk behind my back
I have ways of finding out
I know you look at my face
I know you watch how I act
I know you hear things
I know you try to help
I know you want to know everything
Everyone needs to stop
Everyone needs to relax
Everyone needs to step back
Everyone needs to mind their own business
Everyone needs to stop asking
Everyone needs to shut the **** up
Dont be surprised
Because you will never see me the same again
Dont be shocked
Because this is how Ive changed
Dont make things worse
Because I will get worse
Dont pretend you know everything
Because you havent spoken to me
Dont try to change my life
Because nothing good will come out of it
Allow me to do my own things
Allow me to make my mistakes
Allow me to be alone
Allow me to figure things out
Dont try to force out the depression within me
Dont try to force out the anger within me
Dont try to force out the quietness within me
Dont try to force out the stress within me
Dont try to force out the stranger within me
Dont try to replace the depression with happiness
Dont try to replace the anger with relaxation
Dont try to replace the quietness with noise
Dont try to replace the stress with ease
Dont try to replace the stranger with who I used to be;
Because you will never see my old spirit again.
Listen to my voice.
Listen to my tone.
Listen to ME.
Ive had it;
And I dont want to repeat myself anymore.
Everyone;
& everything is making **** so much worse.
& I just want to be left alone.
Im not ready to talk
Im not ready to decide
Im not ready to communicate
Im not ready to move on
Stay away from my problems
Stay away from what I do
Stay away from what you heard
Stay away from who Ive become
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna hear it anymore.
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna fight anymore.
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna hear **** behind my back anymore.
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna be pressured anymore
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna repeat myself anymore.
Everyone understand;
Leave me the **** alone.

One second of pressure
One second of force
One second of amusement
One second of fakeness
I laugh to hide the pain
I laugh to hold the tears back
Its only when someone tells me
Its only when someone cracks a joke
Its only when someone comments
That one moment doesnt leave me excited
That one moment doesnt leave me forgetting
That one moment doesnt leave me with happiness
Throughout the day.
Its only when I find something small to laugh about
Its only when I laugh for no reason
Its only to cover everything else up
I cannot stay like that forever
I cannot turn a frown upside down for hours.
My mind wont let me
I dont wanan fake it anymore
I dont wanna find excuses anymore
I just dont wanna laugh about the stupid little things only;
Because the big things is whats important;
& Im not eve laughing;
When everyone else is.
The pain hurts so much,
That I cannot stop laughing.
& when that second is gone,
Im back to crying.

My arms reach up,
But never brought back down.
Im down on my knees;
& I dont know how to get up.
Im still falling
Im slowly weakening
Im slowly in pain
I feel as though my walls are sound-proof,
& that my door always locks me up inside.
I feel as though my windows wont open;
& that my phone has died.
I keep waiting,
But I feel that Im waiting for nothing.
Because Im still in the same spot that I started.
I havent budged,
I havent moved,
I havent spoken,
I havent even slept.
& so Ive had nightmares with my eyes open;
& dreamt that things would go back to normal.
I just wanna sleep through the storms of drama,
& wake up to the sun shining on everything thats back to normal.
I just wanna stop the future and relive the past.
The past that was full of happiness,
& not the past that was full of sadness.
If I can just go back,
I would change everything.
I feel that everything has just turned its back on me;
Because everything was my fault.
& I feel guilty because I did nothing to prevent such a tornado;
That tore everything apart.
I wanted to do so much;
Help so many;
But I just couldnt trust myself.
Not capable of anything;
Not successful in anything;
& not smart in anytihng.
I just keep holding my hands out to the mirror,
But the enemy wont take me.
There is no communication with myself anymore.
I do things;
& behind my own back,
Im slowly killing myself.
Lord, I dont wanna ask for your help anymore;
Because you've done too much for me.
& yet you have saved me;
When I should have been left to die.
& in the end I keep disrespecting you;
& so I keep apologizing;
& you keep giving me way too many chances;
I feel as though I have been taking advantage of you;
Because I made it clear to you that I cannot help myself anymore.
I just wanna change everything;
But all my strength has been tortured from all the anger.
All my strength has been tortured from all the stress.
All my strength has been tortured from all the anxiety.
All my strength has been tortured from all the fear.
& all my strength was tortured from me.
Im all on my own,
& I dont know what Im doing anymore.
Years of tolerance has forced me down the wrong path.
I am now a complete mess with everything.
Im unable to guide myself.
Im unable to help myself.
I have completely given up;
Because theres nothing I can do for myself anymore.

I wanna be glued to the ground,
So I never get up.
I wanna be covered up,
So noone would find me.
I see a beautiful family.
I see a beautiful life.
I just want my eyes to be glued together.
I just want my brain to be focused on the positivity.
I just want my heart to be happy.
I just want my tears to stay inside my body.
I wanna stay in the bed and just breathe slowly.
I wanna shut my mouth and just allow my dreams to talk for me.
I just wanna break the silence thats coming outside of my room.
I just wanna build a wall in front of all my fears;
& all my worry.
I just wanna restart my life;
& end it with hurtless things.
I wanna just ignore the real world around me;
& focus on the fake world within me.
I dont wanna ever open my eyes.
Or else things will go back to being abnormal.
& I just wanna stop seeing the truth.
& just focus on my dreams.
So if i could just keep my eyes closed forever,
I can live happy again.

Theres no air to breathe;
Because Im drowning.
Theres no space to move;
Because Im drowning.
Im trying to fight.
Im trying to be calm.
But all im doing is panicking.
I cannot swim against my waves anymore.
Because I keep choking;
& because I keep getting pulled down to the bottom.
& finally, Im underground.
Ive been drowning for years;
& I cant take it anymore.
Ive been choking for years;
& I cant breathe anymore.
Ive been falling for years;
& I cannot feel anymore.
No matter how much I try to keep my head above the water;
No matter how much I try to keep my tears inside my body;
My mind is just forcing me to bring myself underground.
I will never be able to swim again.
Because my tears will never be held back.
They will always be released.
& I will never know how to win against myself,
If I cant swim against my own water.

I dont wanna feel anymore,
Beacause all these feelings,
Are making holes in my body;
& I cant stop bleeding.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are tearing me apart;
& the pieces to my body have gone missing.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are creating pollution in my head;
So I have forgotten how to think.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are melting together like water;
& I cant swim against my waves anymore.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Are freezing together like ice;
& they just throw themselves at me;
So I keep bruising.
I dont wanna feel anymore,
Because all these feelings,
Allow me to express myself;
Allow me to go out of control;
Allow me to drink to forget;
Allow me to abuse myself;
Allow me to be dizzy;
In my own head.
The more feelings I have,
The worse I become.
Just take all this pain away.
Just take all this misery away.
Just take all this negativity away.
Just make me forget how to feel.
I wanna lose all anger.
I wanna lose all depression.
I wanna lose all anxiety.
I wanna lose all tension.
I wanna lose all weakness.
I wanna lose all weakness.
I just wanna be numb.
I wanna lose everything.
I wanna lose feeling.

I appear in tears.
Tears that wash my pieces away.
All I can see,
& all I can feel;
Is my body splitting.
The pieces on the floor.
I have been cut so many times,
& finally,
I am now chopped up.
So instead of a little blood;
I appear to have a river of blood.
That flows constantly on the floor.
& comes from my bleeding heart.
My head has been ******* with.
My heart has been played with.
& my body has been abused.
The killer is my own self.
Because I was so strong.
My weaknesses got to me.
& so I have lost all strength.
I just feel like a porcelain doll;
Controlled while held;
& suddenly shattered to pieces.
The owner is once again;
My own self.
Clumsy with my body;
I let myself slip & fall.
My mind has controlled my strength,
& brought it down to weakness.
Each part of my body suddenly weakened & gave up.
I cannot see anymore,
Because my eyes have lost vision.
I cannot breathe anymore,
Because my nose blocks the air.
I cannot speak anymore,
Because my mouth closed on me.
I cannot hear anymore,
Because my eardrums stopped working.
I cannot feel anymore,
Because I have gone numb.
I cannot walk anymore,
Because my legs have given up on me.
My body has just stopped working.
& Ive stopped caring for myself.
I let myself go;
& Im now in pieces;
Because I let everything break me.
& Im to the point where I wanna completely disappear..

All at once,
Everything interferes.
All at once,
Everything jumps in.
I cannot handle the depression anymore
I cannot handle the anxiety anymore
My mind keeps driving me insane
& I cannot focus anymore
I feel as if Im being tied down
But really im not,
Im only feeling an invisible rope on my wrists;
And noticing something else.
Im feeling so much pressure;
But nothing is touching me.
I cannot think anymore.
Everything is stuck inside my head;
And I dont recognize anything anymore.
Im up against the wall because I cant breathe anymore.
Everything is closing in on me.
I have forgotten how to think
I have forgotten how to breathe
I have forgotten how to speak
I have forgotten how to see
I forgotten how to hear
Everything distracts me
So I have forgotten how to function

Just leave me to sit in the corner;
& let me drown in my tears.
Let me try to release all the tension within me.
Allow me to undo this pain.
Allow me to undo this sorrow.
Allow me to rebuild strength.
Allow me to figure things out.
Allow me to be alone.
Just leave me depressed.
Just leave me angry.
Just leave me confused.
Just leave me daydreaming.
Just leave me falling over.
Just leave me drunk with drama.
Just leave me to lose myself.
I never knew it would be this hard to start a new life with someone missing.
All special events;
All laughs & giggles;
All fun times;
Will be greatly missed.
All anger moments;
All negativity;
All ignorance;
Will be regretted forever.
Thoughts racing,
Heart pumping,
Heavy breathing,
Sweating puddles,
Headaches,
Anxiety,
Fear,
Ocean of tears.
Just leave me to lock my door.
Just leave me to fall to the floor.
Just leave me to think.
Just leave me in shock forever.
Just leave me to try and believe the truth.
Just leave me to catch my breath.
Just leave me to slow down my heart.
Just leave me to still my nerves.
Just leave me to sit down.
Just leave me to relax.
Just leave me to act up again.
Just leave me to cry again.
Just leave me depressed again.
Just leave me angry again.
Just leave me to daydream again.
Just leave me falling over again.
Just leave me to lose myself all over again..forever.
Let me drop,
Let me cry.
Let me run,
Let me hide.
Leave me torn.
Leave me in cuts.
Leave me bruised.
Leave me broken.
Leave my heart to bleed;
Bleed from the other half thats been taken away forever.

It isnt true when people say that "the past is gone"
It isnt true that when people say "whatever happened in the past will stay in the past"
It isnt true when people say "its in the past, let it be"
It isnt true when people say "not to worry, its in the past now"
And its hard to say "forget the past"
Because Im still crying
Im still worrying
Im still angry
Im still stressing
Im still anxious
Im still unable to breathe
Im still fighting
Im still deciding
Im still thinking
Im still confused
Im still nevous
Im still fearful
Im still weak
Im still haunted
Dont tell me the past wont ever come back
Dont tell me the past will never speak
Dont tell me the past will never come up
Dont tell me the past will never rewind itself
Dont tell me the past has ended
Dont tell me the past has died
Dont tell me the past will never be spoken about again
Dont tell me the past wont remind me of anything
Dont tell me the past wont reflect the present
Dont tell me the past wont reflect the future
Im crying because of the trauma
Im angry because of the actions
Im stressing because of the drama
Im anxious because Im overwhelmed
Im still fighting because I never won
Im still deciding because I dont know what to do
Im still thinking because I dont know where to go
Im still confused because I never ended up finding my way
Im still nervous because my nerves keep shaking
Im still fearful because my fears wont leave me
Im still weak because my mental strength took off on me
Im still haunted because these problems still scare me
So dont tell me the past will never come back
Because I still live it
& so the past reflects my present
& so the past reflects my future
& until I stop these negative emotions,
Then I will know the past has gone to rest

I keep releasing
I keep letting out
I keep opening up
Im trying to focus,
But my mind is disturbed
Im trying to hide these scars.
Im trying to hide these cuts.
Im trying to block the blood from escaping.
And I cannot save myself,
Because the ****** is me.
When the mirror is in front,
I just jump in and attack.
I keep kicking,
I keep hitting,
I keep punching,
But most of all,
I keep bleeding.
These invisible bruises represent the past;
They faded, but there are bad memories left behind.
These invisible marks represent the future;
In the present I abuse for the past which will continue in the future.
Because Im unable to stop
Im unable to control myself
I have no other way to handle everything.
& by putting myself at risk,
I can just finally disappear;
So I wouldnt feel such depression.
& I just want to escape,
But my body is still in this world.
& you can see that my body is still,
But Im trembling inside.
& you can see my veins,
But my nerves are shaking inside.
& you can hear me breathing,
But Im hyperventilating inside.
& you can see my dry eyes,
But Im crying inside.
& you can see my closed mouth,
But Im screaming inside.
& you can see my my head,
But my mind is bleeding inside.
& you can see my chest,
But my heart is bleeding inside.
& you can see my sleeve,
But my arm is bleeding inside.
I keep opening my wounds,
But I close the pain.
I keep releasing the blood,
But I forget the bad memories.
I keep abusing myself,
& I cant stop bleeding.
& not all the blood is visible,
Because the first dripping is in my head,
My mind cant stay in one piece.
Second, and mostly is my heart;
That aches in pain, with the puddles of blood.
Lastly from all this drama in my head,
& the aching in my heart,
The blood leaks through my skin;
As I finally make the cuts upon myself.
So I will always continue to bleed.

Noises coming from the closet,
Feels like theres spiders in my pocket.
Things breaking in my room,
I see the twitching of the broom.
Whispers between the walls,
Footsteps down the halls.
Turning on my lamp, theres shadows everywhere,
The only thing i can do is say a prayer.
The night is bitter, the wind is strong,
Hoping the night wont be too long.
The smashing windows, the shaking of the bed,
In the end i realized it was all in my head.

I have made so many mistakes
And now they cannot be fixed
I have walked down the wrong path
And now I will always be lost
I have lost strength
And now I am weak
I have disappointed
And now I cannot make happiness
I have pushed people away
And now I dont know who to go to
I have kept my mouth shut
And now everything is hard to get out
I walked away
And now I cant turn back
I used violence
And now I carry guilt
I have used my voice to yell at everyone
And now I feel bad
I have let down people who encouraged me
And now I feel useless
I have ignored people who tried to help me
And now I feel I cannot even help myself
I have rejected opportunities
And now there are no more chances
I have turned my back on family
And now they have gotten the messages
& my biggest mistake,
& my biggest regret,
The only person I had all these things shoot at you at once;
I have pushed you away
I yelled at you
I turned my back on you
I rejected you
I ignored you
I never showed you happiness
I slammed my door while you walked up the stairs
I walked away in the middle of your apologies
You watched me drown in my own tears
But I didnt let you pull me out
Because I never told you anything
I never released my problems to you
I feel as if you were deaf around me
Because I was scared to talk to you
I feel as if you were mute around me
Because you were scared to talk to me
I denied everything you brought to me
Because I acted like everything was fine
But I knew you werent stupid
I just was stubborn
I was scared what you might think
Because now you see all my problems
But you cannot give me help
Because I can only imagine what you would say to me,
& not what I can hear from you
Your only in my heart
And it kills me to know that your finding out everything that you could have helped me with
I didnt want you to worry
& now Im the one worried
Because Im scared Im gonna walk down a deeper, darker path
If I only listened to you
If I only listened to myself

I cannot be the person I used to be
Its hard for me to release the stranger thats inside me
All this negative energy needs to stop
I just want it to end
I try so hard to see myself,
But all I see is an inner enemy
I just want to shatter to pieces;
To release whats inside of me,
Then put my pieces back together cautiously;
So nothing else gets trapped inside me
But instead I keep bleeding
I keep getting weak
I keep getting dizzy
I keep releasing what I shouldnt be releasing
But everything is escaping
& I keep abusing myself
& So Im always drained
Why cant I release whats inside me
I just want to be myself again
Because the mirror is always lying
I cannot breathe no more
Because now Im claustrophobic
I feel as if everything is pushing me in a corner,
& I cannot make any holes
My inner enemy has brought negativity into my soul
& so now my head is filled with drama
My mind has suddenly changed
Because it gives me wrong information
& this is why Im troubled
I have taught myself the wrong things
& excluded the right things
Now I have noone to show me the right path
& I knew I was always wrong to listen to myself
& I knew I was stubborn
& I knew other people were right
& now I know I cant ever trust myself with anything
Anymore
I have failed

Im smirking
Im smiling
Im giggling
Im laughing
Im finally on the floor
Laughing in tears
People dont know why
People dont know how
People dont know what
Why I laugh
& what Im laughing at
I refuse to tell
I refuse to reveal
I refuse to whisper
Im too quiet
Im stay to myself
But I keep laughing
& people question,
But I refuse to answer
Yet in the end Im not revealing because
The smile is really a frown that people see upside down
The laugh is really cries
The tears are from depression
Not tears of joy
& Im on the floor because I cannot handle these problems anymore

I just dont understand
I just have to keep questioning
I just want to know
Because Im so confused
Lord you have tricked me
Lord you played games
Lord you have stolen
Why,
The pain
Why,
The suffering
Why,
The ending
I thought everything was going to be ok
I thought everything was going to heal
I thought everything was going to calm down
I thought every piece of sadness was going to end
She who was beautiful
She who was good
She who was harmless
She who was kind
She who was giving
She who was caring
She who was smart
She who always put herself last
She who was a mother
& when there was pain,
Along came the suffering.
& when there was suffering,
Along came the death.
Why did she even start to feel pain?
Why did she even have to suffer?
But Lord you have taken all her pain
Lord you have taken all her suffering
Lord you have finally released her from being prisoned
But now Im the one in pain
Now Im the one suffering
& I dont think I can release myself from all this negativity I have inside me
I cannot gain any strength within my weakness
Because I cant stop crying
& I dont think I can ever see the light again

I start off being sober
I start off being normal
I start off being myself
I slowly drink to try and lose feeling
I slowly drink to relax
I slowly drink to change
I slowly drink to feel different
I continue to drink to slowly lose feeling
I continue to drink to slowly relax
I continue to drink to become a different person
I continue to drink to feel good
I keep drinking completely be numb
I keep drinking to completely relax
I keep drinking to be a stranger
I keep drinking to feel amazing
Im drinking to get rid of all the pain
Im drinking to change into a person who i dont know
Im drinking to change my mind
Im drinking to make mistakes
Im drinking to walk into another world
Im drinking to hope things will go back to normal
Im drinking to stop my nerves from shaking
Im drinking to take over depression
Im drinking,
To relax.
Im drinking,
To feel different.
Im drinking to do stupidity.
Im drinking,
To doze off.
Im drinking,
To forget.
To forget about all these problems.
& so Im trying to run away from them.

My heart is racing
My breathing is getting heavier
My tears keep falling
My head is pounding
My eyes are tricking me
My mouth is dry
My ears are ringing
My body temperature is cool
& suddenly im getting hot flashes
I burn up & sweat
Then I cool down
And I go numb
Im suddenly in shock
Unable to believe
Im very still
Unable to move
Im scared to turn and walk out the door
I dont want to be followed
And I dont want to be the victim
I cannot control myself for believing
I cannot control myself from being helpless
I cannot control myself from being naïve
I cannot control myself from seeing
I cannot control myself from hearing
I cannot control myself from being scared
Scared of life
Scared of the darkness
..Scared of my mind
Scared of myself

These problems,
This drama,
Has made me crazy.
This life,
This world,
Has done everything but save me.
I use to see straight,
I use to see the light,
Now I see crooked,
And now I only see the night.
I've changed,
I've weakened,
I've brought myself to depression,
I've turned my back,
I've ended all happiness,
I've given the mirror no more attention.
The puddles on the floor,
Is not rain from the sky.
It is my water that falls;
Its the tears from my eyes.
I've been told to be strong,
When I know I can only be weak.
I've been told things would change for the better,
But Im seeing everything differently.
I keep telling myself things will be alright,
I keep telling myself things will turn out fine.
I keep telling myself I dont need to hide;
But Im only telling myself a bunch of lies.
I struggle.
I panic.
I worry.
I cry.
I tremble.
I fear.
I just want to die.
Im gasping for air,
My heart beats faster.
My fingers go numb,
My heads a disaster.
No matter how hard I push myself,
No matter what I do.
No matter how hard I try for myself,
I know I will never make it through.
Im scared to believe,
Im scared to breathe.
Im scared to live,
So I just want to leave.
The past is my present nightmares,
Which the future, it will haunt me.
The future will bring up my past,
But for now,
My present is severely destroying me.

& I keep looking in the mirror,
Telling myself Im beautiful.
& I keep looking in the mirror,
Telling myself Im skinny.
& I lock myself in my room,
Telling myself I'll be released.
& I stay in my room,
Telling myself I'll be able to get out again.
& I lie on my bed,
Telling myself that these negative thoughts will go away.
& I cry in my room,
Telling myself everything will be ok.
& I keep making myself bleed,
Telling myself the knife is the only thing;
To run away from my problems.
& I keep selling my body away,
Telling myself *** is the only thing;
To ease all the pain.
& I keep thinking,
Telling myself I'll find the right answer.
& I keep looking,
Telling myself I'll find what Im looking for.
& I keep dreaming,
Telling myself I'm going to these dreams.
& I keep being afraid,
Telling myself I'll be brave.
& I keep hyperventilating,
Telling myself my anxiety will leave me.
& I keep waking up,
Telling myself my insomnia will set me free.
& I keep believing myself,
for I have been brainwashed.
In the end I know I lie to myself;

The thoughts
The stress
The pressure
The tears
The weakness
The worry
The guilt
The fears
The anxiety
The depression
The situations
The nightmares
The people
The self-esteem
The loss
The doubts
The memories
The exhaustion
The feelings
The eyes
The nose
The mouth
The ears
The hands
The feet
The arms
The legs
The stomach
The head
The time
The mind
The pain

Red lines,
They mark up one big object.
Red lines,
They drip red liquid.
Red lines,
They leave a big mess.
Red lines,
They manipulate a soft surface.
Red lines,
They tear apart the strength.
Red lines,
It pierces because of pressure.
Red lines,
The arm is the object.
Red lines,
The red liquid is blood.
Red lines,
The mess is the scratches.
Red lines,
The soft surface is the skin.
Red lines,
The strength was replaced with weakness & dizziness.
Red lines,
The pressure was depression.
These red lines will never leave the body.
Because happiness will never be welcomed into the soul.

I've been punched with dizziness,
Not with my fist.
I've been hit with drunkenness,
Not with alcohol.
I've been sexed with pleasure,
Not with a man.
I've been injected with energy,
Not with a needle.
I've been burnt with warmth,
Not with fire.
I've been pushed with strength,
Not with my hands.
I fell with pressure,
Not with my feet.
I've been cut with relaxation,
Not with a knife.
I've been brainwashed by my conscience,
Not by myself.

My mind will never be focused,
As long as Im focused on something else.
I see nothing but things that arent important.
I have abandoned my problems,
Because they havent been fixed.
Because they are still there.
& I cannot fix them,
I only can pull myself away.
Away from everything,
Away from myself,
& away from the world.
As I stare in the mirror,
I notice all the problems.
Because my face has hopeless, written all over me.
& when I turn around,
The word useless is written all over my back, when Im pushed to the floor.
Im just a stupid girl for running
Im just a stupid girl for hiding
Im just a stupid girl for believing
Im just a stupid girl for not trying
My body is here,
But my mind is somewhere else.
Because when I try to focus,
I get nervous,
I get anxious,
& I hyperventilate.
& I never know what to do.
I dont know how to handle things,
When these things are kept built up inside me;
When I talk to noone but myself.
& myself has lead me down the wrong path;
& I cannot turn back.
& when these problems haunt me,
I leave my place,
& take my mind into a different world.
My wicked memories leave me,
Until I finish putting my mind at rest.
I cannot see,
Until I open my eyes.
I cannot speak,
Until I force my vocal cords to move.
I cannot hear,
Until I unplug my ears.
I cannot breathe,
Until I let all my air out.
Im angry,
So singing is involved,
Im stressed,
So *** is involved.
Im depressed,
So a knife is involved.
Im confused,
So alcohol is involved.
I ran away from myself
I hid from myself
I turned my back on myself
Ive been a danger to myself
Im distracting myself
Because Im running away from all my problems.
& I cannot solve them.

My body,
My soul,
My appearance,
Has all changed.
From strong to weak,
I have been forced to release all of my energy.
I've pushed myself too far,
Because the sky was the limit;
So I ended up in the black clouds.
And the rain that falls,
Has turned to blood.
Blood from my body
& blood from my heart
I appear numb,
Because I have lost feeling
I appear blind,
Because my sight went away.
I appear deaf,
Because my eardrums dont move anymore.
I appear mute,
Because my voice has been shut down.
I appear not to breathe,
Because the air inside me has escaped.
Im mentally exhausted,
Because my mind cant function anymore.
I have forgotten who I am,
Because I wore out my body by damaging myself.
Everything that was part of me has escaped,
& left me alone.
Alone with myself,
Alone with silence,
Alone with negativity.
I just feel I cannot handle anything anymore;
& that everything seems to be controlling me.
I have brainwashed myself,
& my body has gone weak.
My strength was the only thing that kept me going.
And now I fall to the ground like a leaf,
Shrivelled up;
Dried out.
Tired of drama,
Tired of believing,
Tired of living.
And Im walking with my head down,
Just waiting to bump it,
And wake up from all my nightmares.
I feel exhausted,
Because my mind is tired,
I feel weak,
Because all strength has left me.
I feel broken,
Because my body is in pieces,
& I feel my heart break
& I feel my ears ringing
& I feel my eyes watering
& I feel my mouth going dry
& I feel my nose plug
& I feel my hands go numb
& I feel my chest tighten
& I feel my vision escaping
& I feel my hearing going
& I feel my voice dying
& I feel my hands getting cold
& I feel that everything, life,
Has been ****** out of me
& I am now the size of a twig,
Mentally.
Because everything,
Life,
My soul,
Has all been taken from me.
It has all escaped me.
For now I am drained

I scream,
Wishing you would scream back.
I talk,
Wishing you would talk back.
I hear my phone ring,
Wishing you were the person calling.
I answer my door,
Wishing you were the person who appears.
I eat,
Wishing you were eating with me.
I drink,
Wishing you were drinking with me.
I dance,
Wishing you were dancing with me.
I breathe,
Wishing you were breathing with me.
I listen,
Wishing I could hear your voice.
I walk,
Wishing you were walking behind me.
I laugh,
Wishing you were laughing with me.
I cry,
Wishing you would dry my tears.
I hyperventilate,
Wishing you would calm me down.
I bleed,
Wishing you would save me from myself.
I sleep;
& I know your here.
I dont ever want to open my eyes;
Because the only way I'll see you,
Is in my dreams.

She doesnt even care who watches her
She doesnt even care who talks about her
She doesnt even care how she disrespects herself
She cares for pleasure
Cares to meet guys
Cares to be seen
She uses it to get away
She uses it to distract her mind
She uses it to relax her nerves
Not sober,
But not an alcoholic,
A sexoholic.
So shes drunk with pleasure.
And she knows people talk
And she knows people disagree
And she knows people laugh
And she knows people watch
And she knows people are disappointed
And she knows people cant mind their business
And she knows other girls are *******
Everyday, a different guy who calls.
Everyday, a different number she saves.
Everyday, a different car shows up.
Shes too out of control
Shes too confused to realize
Shes too focused on one thing
Shes too distracted to worry about all the problems
Because she chooses to be the way they see her as
She choses the way she acts
She choses the way she dresses
She choses the way she moves
She choses the way she thinks
She choses the way she talks
She choses the number of guys
She choses to be a ******

I feel empty,
Because I use to be full of joy.
I feel lost,
Because I was never able to lose track of myself.
I feel confused,
Because I used to be focused.
I feel scared,
Because I use to be brave,
I feel stupid,
Because I use to be smart.
I feel insecure,
Because I use to be able to protect myself.
I feel cold,
Because I use to give myself warmth.
I feel depressed,
Because the happiness has left my soul.
I feel blind,
Because I am now unable to see.
I feel deaf,
Because I am now unable to hear.
I feel mute,
Because I am now unable to speak.
I feel I cannot breathe,
Because I am always gasping for air.
I feel unstable,
Because now Im always falling.
I feel abused,
Because the dangerous one is me.
I feel that I have lost all control,
Because everything has taken over me.

Everything seems like its ending
My mind is driving me insane
My moods are confusing me
I feel that I have lost everything,
And that everything has turned its back on me.
Im just trapped in my own body,
Because Im not what I use to be.
A stranger has broke me apart,
And is now living inside my soul.
Because when I look in the mirror,
I dont know who that troubled girl is.
The exorcist within me has shown me the dark side;
& made me forget the light.
I just dont care anymore.
Memory has faded from my head.
It was replaced with unknown passages,
And an unknown life.
I dont know where to go
I dont know what to do
I dont know who to talk to
I dont know how to live
Im screaming louder then ever,
But noone can hear me.
Im a mute to everyone including myself.
Im running away,
But im unable to hide.
There is nowhere to run to;
Because I just end up running back to myself.
I use a knife to try to get the stranger out of me;
But all that comes out is blood.
The cuts just remain noticeable & leave me cut up,
With the stranger trapped inside me.
I just feel torn apart,
Because my body is here, but my mind is somewhere else.
God please help me,
Because Im not strong anymore.
I feel like my strength has been ****** out of me,
Because I feel drained.
God please guide me once again;
Because I walked down the wrong path.
I have listened to nobody but myself;
And that is the reason why Im stranded,
The reason why Im abandoned,
The reason why I suffer,
The reason why I negatively changed.
Im a danger to myself.
I let all positivity escape me.
And because Im mentally weak,
I always thought I was strong.
I've brainwashed myself into someone I cannot recognize.
& when I look in the mirror,
The reflection blinds me.
When I turn,
It pushes me right to the floor.
I always fell,
Because I bullied myself,
& was unable to defend.
I have bruised the inside of my body
& left myself scared of my own self.
I know that everything is my fault.
I've given up on everything
I have let people down
I have ignored
I have failed
I have lost interest
I have lost hope
I have lost confidence
I have lost self-respect
I have completely lost myself.

Like the colour black,
It has taken white's place;
Right in front of my eyes.
It has washed away my ability to see the future,
& while everyone steps into the light,
I still remain trapped in the darkness.
I force myself to think the sky is always grey,
As I stare at the ground.
People notice the blue sky;
Because they keep their heads up,
While Im always facing down.
Energy & strength was forced out of my body;
Because Im always behind,
When people are ahead of me.
They walk fast,
While I walk slow.
When everyone is talking,
I face the other way.
I refuse to let out a sound,
So I choose to stay quiet.
I keep myself locked up inside;
No interest in stepping out the door.
I have forgotten what the wind feels like.
I have forgotten how hot the sun is.
& I have forgotten the smell of nature.
I dream of horror.
Everything is dark & black.
I only see sadness & hopelessness,
Like I see everyday.
I only notice what haunts me.
& Im just watching scary movies every night;
But with my eyes closed.
I just disguise myself,
So noone notices me.
I just keep my arms covered,
To save people from talking.
My moods are always down.
They never boost up high.
& so Im always drowning;
Because Im always crying.
& even though Im walking down a hall,
I feel as if Im walking through a dark path,
That has been pulled out of my nightmares.
& Whenever I enter my room,
I feel as if Im re-entering a cage that Im unable to escape from.
I feel always at fault
I feel always embarrassed
I feel always no self-respect,
Or self-esteem
I feel the need to escape
I feel the need to hide
I feel the need to cry
I feel the need to die

Am I going blind?
Because Im unable to see what I should be seeing.
Am I going deaf?
Because silence is replacing what I need to hear.
Am I going mute?
Because I cant reveal what I want.
Am I going numb?
Because the pain is invisible.
Am I going breathless?
Because I try to breathe, but I choke.
Am I going to stay broken?
Because I lay like pieces of glass;
Broken & shattered on the floor.
Am I going to stay invisible?
Because I keep hiding.
Am I going to drown?
Because I keep crying.
Am I going to get electrocuted?
Because my body keeps jerking from being shocked.
Am I going to fall over?
Because Im feeling dizzy from this world.
Am I going to lose all of my strength?
Because my body seems to be getting weaker each day.
Am I losing my mind?
Because I cant function anymore.
So will I see again
Will I hear again
Will I speak again
Will I breathe again
Will I feel again
Will the pieces to my body be found and put back together again

I hide behind myself;
Behind my soul
My shadow appears trapped in the mirror
Unable to step forward,
Because Im forced to step back.
Like a chain that brakes,
Im broken;
Disconnected from what held me together.
Separated from being close.
I appear far;
Far away from everyone.
I seclude myself from the world;
Not caring about life.
Ive taken away the positive emotions coming from inside me.
& replaced with negative emotions that wont leave my body.
The party is at one end of the table,
While I move to the other side.
I refuse to connect with everybody
I talk in silence inside my head.
My conscience yells in my ear.
I refuse to ignore,
I refuse to move,
I am frozen like ice,
Because I wont melt down to what I used to be.
Silence has replaced my mouth
Darkness has replaced my eyes
Closure has replaced my nose
Static has replaced my ears
& so the wall has replaced my body,
Because I refuse to go farther.
The invisible wall blocks me from getting out;
Because I force myself to be distant.
Distant from people
And distant from myself.

Everything is just kept inside
I refuse to allow things to escape
I pressure myself to behave when Im not alone
So I fool people into thinking Im ok
As I appear alone in my room
Every single thought is back in my head
Everything just races fast
Then I end up crying to bed
The mirror is my enemy
I break it as i stare
I know the person's soul
Because she has the same colour as my hair
I try to look for a deep cut in my body
To let all the negativity out
But everything is just closed up inside
I just want everything to be cut out
As my heart pounds
And as my breathing gets faster
As the blood races to my head
They make everything a cluster
Im unable to free everything
Im unable to lose everything
Im unable to forget everything
& Im unable to escape from everything
I just keep everything in
I just keep everything soundless
I just keep everything for me to cry
I just keep everything hopeless
Unable to run away
Unable to hide
Unable to release
My problems inside

Im unable to be free
Im unable to runaway
Im unable to hide
Im forced to obey
Im forced to allow;
To be tortured.
Forced to be made a fool
Forced to lose control
Forced to be weak
Physically, I appear a danger to myself.
I shut the door in front of my own face.
The floor is used for my body to be pushed down;
While I step all over myself.
I appear two-faced;
I behave when people are at my attention.
When noone is around,
I continue to disrespect myself.
My eyes are used to drowning in my tears.
My ears are used to be plugged with hands;
While I listen to negative comebacks,
It shoots my nerves.
My voice wares out form the anger I let out.
And so my breathing appears harsh;
Anxiety never leaves me.
I keep running,
And so Im chased.
I keep hiding,
And so Im found.
I try to smile,
And so I keep frowning.
I try to laugh,
And so I keep crying.
I try to be brave,
And so I appear fearful.
So hard to escape
So hard to defend
So hard to laugh
So easy to be trapped
So easy to be controlled
So easy to cry
My arms appear around my neck;
Strangled,
To stop the breathing.
My feet appear heavy like stones;
I trip myself when I try to walk.
And when I fall,
There is noone to catch me.
My hands dont break my fall anymore
No more strength to block whats hurting me.
& when I use self-mutilation,
My arm is covered in scratches.
My weapon is the knife.
I feel as if there is a stranger following me,
Just waiting to fight me.
Just waiting to hurt me.
I feel as if noones around to help me
Im always left alone to be abused & tortured
My heart can only pump faster
My breathing can only be harder
My anxiety can only get worse
My skin can only heal slower
My conscience can only be scarier;
Only because Im left to fear myself.
& so I will always be unsafe when noones around.

Struggling,
Trying to break loose.
Fighting,
I just want to **** you.
I can see you have a hold on me.
I can see you like to control me.
I can see you let me make mistakes.
You make me turn my back on everything.
& because I was connected,
You disconnected me.
You make me hide,
When Im supposed to be visible.
You make me scared,
When I want to be brave.
& when I hyperventilate,
Its because you force the anxiety towards me.
& when I cry,
Its because you keep the past a remembrance to me;
You keep me from getting through the present,
You make the future unknown.
You have me like a dog on a leash,
Unable to escape.
You have me like a prisoner,
Locked inside a box,
With no air to breathe,
& no light to see.
You have brought tension to my muscles.
You kicked out all the happiness that was around my body;
So you let in sadness & anger,
That fail to leave me.
& like a thousand cuts you made me open on my skin,
The abuse will never fade away.
I notice the hairs on my arms & legs;
That fall from my body,
So you have let in stress in my life.
You made me forget who I am;
& what its like to love myself.
With the red heart you turned black,
You turned me negative;
Made me see that theres no hope for anything,
& everything you make me do is wrong.
You let me make wrong decisions.
You allow me to fail;
Not only a failure to myself,
But a failure to family & friends.
I appear mentally weak,
Because you through away all the strength I had.
You make me see things others couldn't.
You make me think things that was beyond from what they really were.
You made everything fake,
So you can laugh at whats real.
You showed me that everything was bad,
So you can hide all the goodness.
You brainwashed me,
So you can hide all the truth.
You held me back,
When positivity was coming forward.
You made me see a stranger in the mirror.
A stranger that can never change.
Every step I try to put forward,
You take me ten steps back.
You throw nightmares at night;
When I want to daydream,
You make me fake a smile,
When I know Im supposed to frown.
When I try to think,
You block everything out.
When I try to listen,
You shut everything out.
When I try to speak,
You keep me mute.
When I try to breathe,
You make me suffocate.
Its hard to notice whats going on,
When you keep me in one spot.
Always at your attention,
You force me to obey you.
When I see the good,
You put bad in front of my eyes.
Im always wanting to explain the issue,
But you make me stutter.
You make me naïve,
So I fall in every trap you set.
You pressure me to think that my problems will never go away.
You made me blind,
When I could have seen.
Im facing the inside of my body,
Because you turned me inside out.
I keep myself cooped up inside,
Because you hold the door shut when I want to get out.
You force me to overreact without thinking.
Always yelling & screaming,
Because you force me to have great rage.
I just wonder why I can never ignore.
I just wonder why I always obey you.
You failed me.
You changed me.
Your the devil.
Your the dark side.
Your the voice thats in my head.
The voice that I know I can never escape from.
I am now a danger to myself.

Your upper body is strong,
While mine is weak.
Your hips r weak,
While mine are strong.
Your feet are strong,
While mine are weak.
Your hands are weak,
While mine are strong.
My legs are strong,
While yours are weak.
My arms are weak,
While yours are strong.
Your lips are strong,
While mine are weak.
Your eyes are weak,
While mine are strong.
Your upper body works mine,
While my hips work yours.
Your feet works mine,
While my hands work yours.
Your arms work mine,
While my legs work yours.
Your lips work mine,
While my eyes work yours.
In the end our minds are at the same level,
While our bodies are uneven.
In the end our minds are on the same page,
While our bodies are all over the place.
But in the end we wanted the same thing,
While in the end we did it different ways.

Its gone really deep into my skin;
As it tears away at my clothes.
It just threatens my body.
Im bruising from the pinches that are pierced within me
They appear almost everywhere on my body.
Im not free from being trapped under;
From being held down.
The force & strength of this creature is getting stronger.
I've been pierced & scratched with nails,
That leave red marks all over my body.
& because I allow it to push me around,
I just give my body away.
So Im thrown from the wall to the ground
Thrown from the ground to the bed
Now he has me in chains
Now he has me controlled
Now hes more aggressive than before
The knife is your hand
The pinches were your hickeys
The nails were your fingers,
Which your nails dig deep inside my skin
So the creature is you
You that has taken me
You that has controlled me
You that has sexed me;
And made me ******.

Permanently mute;
Shut tight with force.
Unable to let out a sound.
Even pressured to stop breathing.
Like terror in the night,
Its hard to make out a sound when evil hides.
Shadows are forced to be quiet.
The dark figures act like ghosts who mean no harm.
Not even a heartbeat is noticed.
Not even a breath is let out.
Not even a blink of an eye is moved.
Everything has stopped completely.
Everything appears abandoned.
Everything appears deserted.
Everything appears soundless.
Cant speak.
Cant move.
Cant think.
Cant see.
Cant hear.
Cant breathe.
Voices & whispers has died down.
Breathing has stopped.
Hearts have turned dark.
Each sound has shut down.
Each sound became permanently quiet.
Each sound was shot by silence.

I hear the burning creeping up when Im about to breathe
I hear a bruise in my chest when my heart is about to pump
I hear the pressure in my head when its about to expand
I hear the numbness in my hands when they are about to crack
I hear the weakness inside my body as my strength wares off
I feel the burning in my throat when I try to breathe
I feel the bruises in my chest my heart makes, when it pumps aggressively
I feel the pressure in my head when it pounds hard
I feel numbness in my hands as I try to touch
I feel weakness within myself when I suddenly appear to change
I see redness inside my throat when my breathing gets worse
I see the bruises in my chest when my heart pumps faster
I see the pressure in my head as it blows up like a balloon
I see the numbness in my hands when they appear not to move
I see the weakness within myself when I notice Im falling on the floor to pieces
I hear,
I feel,
I see;
My body reacting.

Every breath was wasted on anxiety
Every breath was wasted on fear
Every breath was wasted on depression
The anxiety is used to hyperventilate
The fear suddenly stopped the heart
The depression turned the air into tears
Hyperventilation speeds up
The heart turned cold
Tears drown the body
The body breaks into a million pieces
Unable to put the puzzles back together
It fades itself
Invisibility takes its place as a ghost to everyone
So the body finally disappears
The wind replaces the breath
Breath was wasted on negativity