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Cassie Nov 2017
Sometimes I get so angry at the world for tearing us apart
And so sad

I guess it's time
To smoke another bowl
Find another new antidepressant
Discover and create new pieces of myself
So I may forget the pieces this universe has stolen from me
This cruel world that sometimes I think knows what is best for me
And others I feel is this uncaring, unfeeling thing

And I guess this time, I should not let my chin slide over my shoulder on my way out of your life
But despite my wishes, I hear my neck snap in selfish opposition

One day, again, it will grow stiff
And maybe then the universe will turn to me again with it's arms open
Cassie Nov 2017
I am afraid to love someone like me
I am afraid to admit that I am someone like me
Someone who has thought of taking life into her own hands
When the world will not stop spinning (but I haven't touched a drop)
Cassie Dec 2013
its mornings when the cold stings my nose
and the smoke fizzling off the end of my cigarette
burns my bloodshot eyes
that i can't see a thing out of because i just took my contacts out after passing out with them in that i remember
i am ******
and the world is still
just as frigid and grey as before
but it is early
and i will shut the world out in blackeness
bury myself beneath covers
and pray for blue skies once i open my eyes
but anything will be contrast against
the view of my inner eyelids
Cassie Feb 2014
i miss you when i am out of states
wishing i were the sewer grate that could catch the muck beneath your shoes because though i can enthuse you
i can't bring myself to accuse you
of the things my mind has made up
and maybe its the alcohol but i am enthralled by
the memory of you
worthy of poem as
fresh dew on
freshly packed snow
melting in the sun's tired rays
Cassie Mar 2018
there's something about rawness
i can't help but plunge my fingers into
even though I know it'd be best to just let it heal
Cassie Jun 2018
I want to feel beautiful but
I don't want it to take
Skin and bones (but still **** and ***) to achieve it

I am heartbroken for the majority of me that used to believe my only worth in this world
Was to be a pretty thing

That my thoughts really didn't matter
My feelings, my tears, should be hidden
Beneath shame and bruises
Whatever it took, as long as it was kept inside
Rather than surface
And possibly be perceived as ugly

I am me
This is my skin
This is the stuff beneath it
****** and (maybe) ugly

But maybe,
Beneath it,
One of the most beautiful things that can be found in this world
Something to be seen beyond eyes
Something to be revered despite public disgust

And maybe, just maybe
It didn't matter whether it was pretty or not after all
Cassie Aug 2018
She was a poet and he didn't even know it
She didn't share, she was scared he wouldn't care
and she'd be left broken

He had a heart but he was too afraid to show it
He didn't share, he was scared one day she wouldn't be there
and he'd be left broken

They thought they were protecting themselves in their shells but really, they were only tearing themselves and each other apart.

The human heart, at least sometimes, has a funny way trying to help but ultimately sabotaging itself.
Cassie May 2017
you are not the sun and I will bloom without you.
Cassie Sep 2019
I refuse to, but
I want to drink very much at the moment
There is something about the dulling of my senses that helps make me feel more present
Finally, not feeling overstimulated
Distracted by my own morbid imagination
I just want to be normal
And sometimes it feels like it's the magic potion
But I know it's really poison
So I refuse to sip
(But goodness can I hear that clock tick, reminding me of every moment I waste white knuckling through the present)
Cassie Sep 2017
I remember in third grade
My perception snapped as if suddenly waking from dream (this dream being childhood)
I realized I was wider both ways than the girls in my class I found my gaze linger on
So I began to hold in my stomach at all times
Bedtime became uncomfortable due to being unused to relaxed muscles
Feeling failure flood me every centimeter that grew between my spine and my belly button

When I asked myself why exactly I'm still doing it, knowing beauty isn't the most important thing in the world and that I am tired and uncomfortable
I hear my brain answer
"Well, it'd be rude not to", and though I know it isn't true, I can't imagine filling this belly with air without the feeling of flooding.

I have some more to work on.
Cassie Jun 2018
Honey, it's too much
I love you, but it's too much
I can clean up the broken chair, cup your ****** hand in mine
But I cannot stop you from doing these things, or feeling the feelings that cause you to do this
You feel broken, you break something
And it breaks me
Every time I see or think of you, I worry
My mind is too full of worries to even think about anything but them already
Please, understand if I need to step away
If it seems cold, please know if anything, I love you too much
I'm sorry
Cassie Sep 2018
I will lick my own wounds, but thank you
nobody else has seemed to get a handle of it

I lick until there's no blood left
Then some
Then some more
Until I'm bleeding again

I don't know why but,
Sometimes when I get a cut
I crave the taste of blood
For some reason, the only way I deal with things is on my own (until I've been stuck in my head for so many days and I break down and let someone else in). I think it's caused more harm than good to be honest.

Also, for some reason when I find myself in a bad spot mentally, I sometimes can't help but spin/wallow in it. It feels like a part of me that I've been trying to hide, so I sort of give in and listen to sad/moody music and poetry and whatnot. And then I'll end up getting emotional over the songs/words on top of already feeling emotional/down. Just something weird I do (and I feel like a lot of others do too).
Cassie May 2019
I'm stronger than you think, you know.

I will bloom despite the snow.
Cassie Sep 2018
I think
There is maybe a mutual understanding
Both for the best interest of ourselves and each other
That we put ourselves first
That we know we'd be okay
Though maybe not quite so happy
If the other left

A part of me thinks this love
May mean more than
The one who'd risk his life because
Without me this man could still live
He just would rather his life with mine in it
Attempting to be sane.
Cassie Jul 2018
Letter to my body and soul:

I am so sorry for everything I've put you through. I can't believe you guys are still there for me despite how I've treated you.

Thank you.
Cassie Mar 2018
"I am not your fetish!"
I never thought of you that way
And it breaks my heart you felt that was the truth
I loved you beneath your skin more than anything else I loved about you

I pray you never feel this hurt again
Cassie Jul 2018
I now find myself feeling a bit ill, when I'm complimented on my
words, touch or skill
I fear they are all to love of me
and someone (a little voice in my head)
told me today
that your truest loves would love you even if you could do nothing but sit still

but I still find myself being scared of not being enough
though I am constantly moving
Cassie Jan 2018
if I let myself feel the pain
from it's edges to its pulpy-est parts
I fear I'd never be able
To put the pieces back together the way they were at the start
And I cannot decide whether this would be a blessing or a curse

Whether I would be a phoenix
Or just ashes
Cassie Aug 2018
why do we stay
for people who would not do the same
if we did what they were doing to us
to them?
Cassie Jan 2018
avoidance
isolation

my protector
my savior

and the knife that cuts too deeply the softest parts of me
Cassie Aug 2018
Sit with me
By the river
Beneath the stars

Tell me all the things
I don't want to hear
In a voice softer than the whisper of the water wisping pasts the stones our toe tips touch

I want to hear a voice to the things that want to make the least noise
I want you
Even if the sounds we make are not always beautiful
Even if it doesn't sound like water wisping past stones in a river
Cassie Aug 2016
More than anything I would love to find my other half
To stand in an empty room, knowing I have grasped her hand and pulled her in and up from the depths
To look in the mirror and see the only person who makes me complete
Cassie Sep 2018
I want to peel back
The layers of myself I've let callous over
For you
For you only
But even though they're not supposed to hurt anymore
They scream upon the feeling of my fingers tearing
Or maybe it's the new skin
Afraid to be exposed

Either way
I love you
And I am so sorry
For being so sensitive
For being so tough
Cassie Jan 2017
You felt like home
You kicked me out
Now I'm afraid to go back to my own house
Forced to construct a home of my own with nothing but ****** knees and the shirt on my back
But despite the weather I weathered through it
It takes twice as much work to get this place warm
But I'm finding it's well worth it
Cassie Sep 2018
I never want them
To know I struggled

They loved me so much

But I want others to know I have struggled despite this love
A part of me feels at least a good little amount of people could relate to this feeling. I feel very guilty for being sad/anxious despite the love and support I receive.
Cassie Dec 2017
feel like I'm about to get ****** over reall nice
and the worst part is it's my own doing.
I really need to stop doing things that will help others but hurt me
Cassie Jul 2013
I have found happiness in solitude
The more I love myself, the less I love you
I anxiously await your return from work
Only have my heart lurch up my throat as the world, so you perceive, spits on you
I've spent too much of my time
My money
My positive energy
Myself
On you
Only for you to realize that
Nobody will love you the way that I do
You've changed your ways
It's far too late
But I can't let go
You told me if I did we would have wasted our youth
At times I feel I already have
What do I have to lose
Cassie Oct 2017
Honey, I know the signs
It's not the weight leaving that makes me want to cry when I look at you
It's the luster gone from your hair
Your smile
Your eyes
Despite an ever-widening smile
I know that smile well
Honey, when I see you, all my mind can come up with is "you are the most beautiful soul I know, please take care of yourself"
Please, fuel it
Please, don't believe yourself
You are a goddess and you deserve every bite of Mac n cheese you've refused yourself
Cassie Sep 2018
alcohol
it's the devil
i swear upon my own future grave

it whispers in your ear like sin
(perhaps that's because that is it's other name)

it tells you
"i'll make you forget about what ails you, off to sleep I'll sail you"
but restless waking and sleep i'll give you, it forgets to mention

but maybe it didn't lie,
you just refused to remember it

or perhaps you did, but it was worth the temporary renderment

after night upon night of retching it's poision, the thoughts flooding back from your stomach
you remember, you always come back to your footing
and each step is little more painful than it was the night before, and you can't seem to get used to it

but please, you must remember, you must avoid the temptation,

you can overcome anything
you have overcome everything
you thought you never could
thus far

you have come this far

refuse, refuse to let alcohol, or anything else, become your end

(be it physically or emotionally)

you are worth the mending
and like a muscle
each time you exercise the discomfort
(in these terms of loving yourself, in refusing numbing these feelings, which you must remember, are a part of yourself)

it will hurt less

it will become easier

it will be worth it.
Cassie Jul 2018
I guess
To be honest
I'm a little bit broken
And I don't feel like home
But maybe, if I make it warm enough
And I build up my four walls strong enough
I may be
Cassie Jan 2019
it's odd to think
some people love cherries, or rainy days, or the quiet
and others despise those things

how can some people hate what others love, and vice versa?
Cassie Jan 2017
"what a beautiful day"
I say from the stale side of the window pane
I retreat beneath my sheets
Cassie Jan 2017
This pit in my stomach is a black hole
Threatening to absorb all of the light in my life
Cassie Oct 2018
Don't know why
But sometimes
I just want to die
And then I wake up the next morning
Thankful the pills and drink didn't take

I honestly don't want my people's world to quake
With the mistake of my bad decision
I'll stay here and try to make revisions
But I'm just not so sure they'll do the trick
I'm sorry if I leave you before my time has ticked

But I really do hate the bitter taste that will be left in their mouths
So I refuse to take it
Cassie Oct 2018
I'm too sensitive for others

Sometimes I just think I'd be better off alone for the rest of my years
Cassie Jan 2019
It's funny
Maybe a bit ironic
That I've cared so much about having a perfect appearance in the past
That I am now completely uninterested in trying to look even presentable
If I cannot find the energy to put into looking my best
If I can't muster it, I put no energy in

Anything half-assed and I feel I look like a joke, and I feel more embarrassed than going makeupless

I know I'm being needlessly rough on myself
But at times, I think, not rough enough

A battle,
It always seems to be a battle
Between polar opposites
Cassie Aug 2018
You hate me,
don't you?
and I'm not pretty enough
to fight for,
I know
I'm sorry I could never be what you deserve

and maybe the saddest part
is that I could have been
if only I pushed myself harder

but then my face would be pressed so far into the ground
my bones would have broken
flesh would have peeled from my face

where
is the in-between
I've never lived it
But I know that,
That is where I would thrive

I dream of it,

It waltzes on my lips, between the folds of my never tired brain

And that place, I fear more than anything, is the one state
I'll never have the gas to get to
The worst part is this is all in my head. The person had never really done or said anything to make me feel this way. It's just my own feelings of inadequacy.

Thinking more about it though, I wrote this about a current relationship, but the feelings were definitely old fears sparked by a past relationship (my first and longest to date).
Cassie Dec 2018
And there we sat
Strained against the woodgrain
Eyes, limbs
And I can't remember the words that left your lips
But everything in me wanted to stay forever and never have met you all at once
And I slammed our story shut quicker than I could slam the door to that tiny apartment

I'm sorry we couldn't be what we thought we could be

I'm sorry I refuse to open that door ever again
Cassie Dec 2019
I want nothing more in this world than to have a family

It's been my dream since I was probably too young to be thinking of such things

But I waited, and now at 24, the naivety that made that future glow seems to be dimming

Sometimes I don't know if I want to put children on this Earth

Knowing what they will have to witness on the news
Knowing they could be part of those events too

That they will likely need to work their butts off until they die
And all I can do is pray they can find a job they halfway like

Knowing there's a good chance I'm going to be working at a job that may make me not be able to be as present for them as I'd like to be, just so I can make enough money for their dad and I to make ends meet; I always hoped to be a stay at home mom and make them my priority

I want the best for them, and although I'd do my best, I still feel guilty that they'd have to experience the inevitable darkness in this world at one point or another

Is it selfish to bring kids into this world that we live in?
Cassie Oct 2021
You called me **** drunk again and asked me if I ever thought maybe I'd died and this was the afterlife

I said no

Not because I was done with your "pseudo-deep" questions and theories

Like you telling me how hard it is to be an empath after you got done ******* on me

But because I didn't want to tell you what I really thought

If there is an afterlife, you'd think it'd be kind of fair at least. I've done nothing to deserve this level of hell.

The level of hell you cornered me into.
Cassie Jul 2013
I have a little brother
A complicated soul a few years below
Stubborn, competive, stone cold
His eyes burn with the intent of ******
Lips twist into an irreversible pout for the smallest of reasons
He scares me
We're both quiet
So I don't know what to say
I've never even asked him "how are you? how's your day?"
Because I would get little to no response
That's where the conversation would end
I've never been one to start them
I fear my own awkwardness
I'm sorry little brother
not really a poem. i feel like a bad person, but I'm just horribly awkward and bad at conversation in general.
Cassie Jan 2014
behind closed doors
i sit in nothing
but a pair of headphones
inhale magic smoke from my crystal
let her caress my lungs for
seven seconds before i
exhale her out the window
a shadow of what she once was
giving her life for my happiness
inevitably iridescent
i tiptoe to my bed and submerse myself beneath covers
letting the bass control the rhythm of my heart
because for once somethings giving it a start
i couldn't care any less if it killed me
i'm makeupless
void of vision
or senses in every sense of the word
i'm breathless and sleepless
i crave sweet release
but can't even form a thesis
Cassie Dec 2018
I always catch myself thinking
If only, I were more beautiful
I would be loved more, let go less easily
But, for some reason it took me until today to realize that
I would be just as unhappy
Just as scared that they would leave
Because what if, one day, I were no longer beautiful?
Cassie Apr 2017
honey, you can't save anyone but yourself and honey,
nobody can save you but yourself.
Cassie Oct 2016
i hate the way i say "i love you"
before even finishing the i
i am waiting on you
to tell me not what i need you to know
but what i needed to hear
Cassie Sep 2013
hedonism has lead me to want nothing but
more
just this once turns into
anytime, anywhere
happiness is relative
sadness is unfathomable
because there is always a fix
always a high
sorry I've been acting so low
I preach that not all who wander are lost
but i happen to be
to live a life dependent on selfish highs
or regret every decision I don't make
Cassie Aug 2019
I am tired of smiling
I am always looking for something to smile for
Any respite from this brain
But just as much because maybe it'll make others happy too

But the corners of my mouth are cramping
Cramping into a grimace

And I am tired of grimacing

I am tired of myself
Cassie Dec 2018
everything has the potential to break
even diamonds do

please, don't try to convince me otherwise
This sounds a little pessimistic, but all I mean is that the strongest people who I have looked up to have had moments of feeling broken too.
Cassie Oct 2016
I know what I want
(you)
I know who I need
(me)
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