I really think sometimes
I was born to be an artist

This brain
This heart
These sleepless nights

But these hands
Tremble through every art piece
And spasm across strings
throat or instrument
And the words I write
I know, aren't as good as they feel getting out

But
I must remember
That's what art is
Art is your soul escaping you

Even if the end product, you can't stand to look at or listen to

Art is soul escaping from body

And if you

Or I in this matter

Can't appreciate that

Well, you thought you knew what art was

But you don't

Are you the enemy
Dressed in sheep's clothing

Or just a scared sheep baring its teeth
That my eyes mistook for a wolf

I don't know

I don't know

the only thing that my future guarantees
is that i will still be haunted by its uncertainty
and plagued by a past spent with my fists clenched trying to enjoy the present

I don't know whether I'm too big for my skin or if it is too small for me
Either way though, it doesn't fit and I can't stop fidgeting

You know what

Take it

Just take it

Take all that I have left
Swallow it
And **** it out

Tell me
It upset your stomach

While I stand with ****** hands hiding the hole in my chest

i used to believe in magic

I don't want to be like this

Hopeless for no good reason
Anxious for nothing
Sitting on my *** worrying myself to bits when I know for a fact getting up and doing something would help

I'm sorry

we sit across each other in a restaurant, amber-lit and quiet like a tawny dusk
glasses sweating, limbs loosening
i smile like the moon and like an unfortunate dawn her name unfolds across your lips
you say, in not so many words, "you are deep too, but her, she was different"
the words of my therapist ring in my ears, "you've curated a seamless mask for yourself; i can't express how grateful I am to be the one person you've let in behind it"
should i let you in? i thought i already had
but surely then you'd know I am a black hole, how could this girl have been any more, any less?
perhaps it is because she could put words to her thoughts and feelings but i just find myself swimming in silence
i am left in sudden darkness
when i realize that she may be your sun
and even if not
i am a moon
and it appears you need light just as much as i do
maybe we just were not made for one another

Hello
I am
The ugly friend
Would you like to fall in love with me
And then leave me when you meet the souls of the goddesses I am so lucky to call my friends?

When you black out drunk with a nice guy/this guy you can't really stand when he's drunk/he drinks a bit/a bit too much
And you congratulate yourself for not sleeping with him in your drunken state
And then he texts you the next day
"Are you on birth control?"
And your stomach drops
And you're compelled to ask
"Why..I blacked out..did we sleep together?"
And your phone buzzes
And you get the "yeah lol"
And your self throbs with the echoes of yesterday's mistakes
And your grip on this world ends and you need to find your footing again, again

It makes me a little sad to think that your eyes will flash upon the image of my inner eyelids whenever I see a landscape or hear a song that brings me back to the simple beauty of being in this world
I will swallow my spit and make the most of it as tears sting my eyes and leave my eyelashes tickling to be wiped
Wishing only that yours felt the same way
I don't want to be alone anymore
I want to feel you sway like the trees I see beaming from the last rays of a tired day
I want to be held by the limbs that weep towards me
Hold me honey, so I may bend in the wind without fear
Of stronger limbs.

The roar of a fireplace takes place in my chest sans the scalding temperature
The fire sustains me yet I fashion myself its master

I never felt more complete when I was with you
Which meant I never felt more incomplete than when you left
Please, don't fill my mind with ideas
Of you coming back
Of us being us again
I am just starting to feel like
Maybe I could be whole on my own

learn to love the growing pains
smile in the dark, in anticipation
of the next wave
knowing each one brings you that much closer to the things that you've been growing towards

The people I love are breaking
Crumpling to soddy pulp in the rain, waiting to be washed down the drain
And/or waiting to catch fire in the sun
And I don't know if it's the full moon or the eclipse
But I'm scared

It's coming.

i just don't want anyone to hurt
like i've hurt
and i've never even really been hurt
that badly so
sometimes the world feels
unbearable
if that makes any sense
at all

What can you do for a friend
Whose life they feel is unraveling in their hands
But hold them strong until they get their head above the depths

This isn't good enough for me
I can't sleep knowing there is suffering

I am so scared though,
I'm running out of energy
To even make myself smile
I feel every centimeter as if it is a mile
And my check engine light is broken

when the tears taste good

that is when I notice the fog starting to lift

Sometimes I get so angry at the world for tearing us apart
And so sad

I guess it's time
To smoke another bowl
Find another new antidepressant
Discover and create new pieces of myself
So I may forget the pieces this universe has stolen from me
This cruel world that sometimes I think knows what is best for me
And others I feel is this uncaring, unfeeling thing

And I guess this time, I should not let my chin slide over my shoulder on my way out of your life
But despite my wishes, I hear my neck snap in selfish opposition

One day, again, it will grow stiff
And maybe then the universe will turn to me again with it's arms open

I am afraid to love someone like me
I am afraid to admit that I am someone like me
Someone who has thought of taking life into her own hands
When the world will not stop spinning (but I haven't touched a drop)

i miss you when i am out of states
wishing i were the sewer grate that could catch the muck beneath your shoes because though i can enthuse you
i can't bring myself to accuse you
of the things my mind has made up
and maybe its the alcohol but i am enthralled by
the memory of you
worthy of poem as
fresh dew on
freshly packed snow
melting in the sun's tired rays

I want to feel beautiful but
I don't want it to take
Skin and bones (but still **** and ***) to achieve it

I am heartbroken for the majority of me that used to believe my only worth in this world
Was to be a pretty thing

That my thoughts really didn't matter
My feelings, my tears, should be hidden
Beneath shame and bruises
Whatever it took, as long as it was kept inside
Rather than surface
And possibly be perceived as ugly

I am me
This is my skin
This is the stuff beneath it
****** and (maybe) ugly

But maybe,
Beneath it,
One of the most beautiful things that can be found in this world
Something to be seen beyond eyes
Something to be revered despite public disgust

And maybe, just maybe
It didn't matter whether it was pretty or not after all

She was a poet and he didn't even know it
She didn't share, she was scared he wouldn't care
and she'd be left broken

He had a heart but he was too afraid to show it
He didn't share, he was scared one day she wouldn't be there
and he'd be left broken

They thought they were protecting themselves in their shells but really, they were only tearing themselves and each other apart.

The human heart, at least sometimes, has a funny way trying to help but ultimately sabotaging itself.

i never quite understood why
i enjoyed drinking just a little too much
or sniffing my pretty little chill pills

and i never understood why, after i stopped,
i missed the bitter taste of the trickle at the back of my throat occasionally
or would look back and wonder how i felt less nauseous on days spent on my bed, puking into my waste basket
then i did presently, eating healthily, keeping it down, going to class, being fully present in the lives of my friends and family

i would begin to feel, at the pit of my stomach, a sort of squirm, an uneasiness, an uncertainty that at any moment, my heart, may in fact, fall straight out of my ***

my gaze would begin to linger on the signs of liquor stores
and instead of burdening the ones i love by spewing my love, my hope, my fears for every soul that decides to sit down for tea

i decided, as if there were no alternative, I would spare them the soul diarrhea, because what advice, solace, could they give me?

when all that would ease my stomach at the time was the knowledge that everyone was going to be okay
the only possible thing they could do to help would be to predict the future
and i could not put that weight on them, the weight of knowing that the only way to help take away the pain of their soul responsibility would be to obtain powers that do not exist

i now understand that, not being able to predict the future doesn't make it bleak, it just makes the present more valuable, so i need to be present for it
and i refuse to waste this cherished time or forget a moment of it

i smile too hard in social situations
to make up for the fact that i've sorted through my every thought and can't find anything of interest to say
and i blush at every compliment i receive
because i'm too embarrassed to disagree
you see
I'm kind of vapid
but it's only because I can't control the voice inside my head
I'm not crazy, unfortunately
I'm just overly self aware
and i want you to know that we are stardust
but you're only interested in superstars
and I'm only interested in companionship
so I'll entertain you with magic tricks
I want friends
**** their ***
but women judge me too harshly
and men don't judge me on the right things
they like my mind, but abuse my body
i only care for souls
for records
and old pictures of kids in bulky glasses
neon bellbottoms and
flower power wallpaper
plastering the walls of an alternate universe
where i may blossom and open up
like a flower in the rain

These lips
Walk me in and out of offices
But I can't put into words these feelings
That press up against my belly and chest
Lurch up my throat
They mock me
These bits which refuse to be translated
Spit at my face and kick me into a corner
Until I have no fight left in me
My face encrusted in dry salt
I curl up and close my eyes until they retreat

Where they go I do not know
But when they do, I wipe my face and rise to my feet


I am a warrior

And I will not accept defeat

What if it's me
What if I am the one who is ****** up
What if my ideals are intangible
What if I am the only person who is right for me
Even though I tell myself I hate myself daily
What if the loss of the spark I once felt between us
Isn't your fault but my own
What if I lost all of my feelings during an attempt to analyze them
What if every little thought that runs through my brain
Is pointless

It's the alcohol
It's the medication
It's my sleep schedule

It's my coping mechanisms
My habits
My thought processes

It's just me.
Myself.
And these.

it's too bad my love is cannibalistic
i must have you all to myself
please, leave the brains too
i want to stain them with my star flecked essence
so you can't breathe without me
it's only fair
it's how i've felt since the moment we met
i want to devour the thoughts i sow in your brain
i want to hear poetry pour from your soul
i won't judge
mine's ******
i want clarified, detailed honesty
crystal ***** no longer captivate me
i want your lips on my bowl
words straight from within without filter
i want only what i give
eat me

I hate being like this

I don't want my people to feel neglected, ever
But I don't always have the energy, the right amount of sanity, to be there for both them and myself
Without driving myself borderline crazy, without running myself into the ground
So I can't decide whether or not
To slip quietly out of their lives
For both their sake and mine
Because I don't want to be undependable, they deserve more
But when I try to be there for them and myself, I just can't seem to help but drive myself into the floor

I hope they understand my absence is in no way their fault

i like you a lot
like maybe more than mary jane..
and she's my main
***** because when I'm with her
I can't remember the definition of the word ******
but I'm nervous for this fervor you stir in me
when i laugh with you i don't need ****
and that's crazy coming from
miss wake and bake
lunch break light up
dinner doobie
and don't forget the late night blunt ride
but you make me feel so high
my cheeks hurt and my stomach bursts
with butterflies sometimes i forget to eat
because I'm too busy staring into your baby blue eyes
my heart dances in my chest even worse than when i have anxiety
but it's different
i gave you my heart on a silver platter
but pulled it away the second i had a hint you may not deserve it
and that made both of us feel worse than
when your **** shattered