I blinked and three days went by. Three whole days I didn't cry.
Maybe three or maybe it was four. I don't usually keep track of these things.
I just blinked.
I just blinked and woke-up.
Your memories still dances in my head... A lot.
Maybe four or maybe five times a day. I don't usually keep track of these things.

I am more at peace, though the grief still lingers. I hold onto what I can of you. Of the memory of you.
I don't want to lose any of it. Your eyes, your laugh, the way you talked with your hands, all of it I cling to like an elixir. It's my elixir to keep the sadness at bay. Holding onto these moments, these sacred moments, so they don't ever fade away.

If your essence is lost to me, I think I might die. Let myself wither. And not a day will go by
Where I won't cry for the ditch that is left inside of me, where your memory was. With my elixir all dried-up, not a single day will go by. Not a day where I won't cry. Certainly not three or four.
I will start to keep track of these things.

Because that's all I'll have to fill the ditch with.
No sand or sea will be quite rich enough to fill this space. This space meant for abstract emotions, not things.
We call it our heart, but our heart is just a thing. Just a thing that pumps another thing round and round and round. Just a thing that helps us breathe. A thing that one day stops. It quits on us when we're in the ground.
So why would I let this thing hold onto you? I won't.

I'll keep your memory in every space, in my soul.
You'll live on and on, and wild and free.
You'll live forever, and you'll live in me.
I'll keep my grief elixir and fight forgetfulness away.
So there will be no ditch.
In my soul-space you will stay.

I can't think too much
Or I'll become unnumb
The space you once kept
Has been hollowed by death

With each shallow breath
I feel more unrest
Realizing how similarly
You would inhale,
each small jolt in your chest
The day before you left
This earthly plain
And moved onto the next

My only relief:
  Now you're at ease
  Finally free
  To talk, walk, smile, and breathe

Still tears fall
As the sound of your voice fades
I wish I could call
And see your gentle face

Until we meet again,
I'll keep this special place
Full of the memories
You helped create

What once held my love for you
Now holds so much more
Hope, memories, and your legacy
There I will store.

round the corner,
through the threshold--
a sea of pastels,
but I'm in red.
My throat swells.

Why do they stare?
Can they see?
If they could hear my thoughts,
would they like the real me?

My heart climbs
into my neck
I tell my brain:
hit the deck,
I'm under attack.

My heartbeat slows
and I can breathe.
But the fact remains:
the monster's inside me

waiting for its next move
it will come out to play.
maybe when it rains
worse yet, on a sunny day.

There's no telling
when it will call.
I'll try not to answer,
but I always fall
into its trap,
so finely laid.
So I wait and I wait
for the panic to fade.

People are not your puppets,
Your puppets for play.
They won't sing,
Sing your pains away

I'm no vantrilaquist dummy
For you to play with, honey.
I'm not a pawn in your game
For you to manipulate with no shame

Don't want to be a part
Of your devious plan.
Don't want to deny myself
Of who I am.

There's a reason it is called,
Called a deadly sin.
Infidelity will ******,
****** from deep within:

**** the ones you love,
The one you once loved--
The one you're still loving
Will always question your love,
Thinking she'll be the next loved

Just a part of your past
You'd rather forget
But that gangrene inside
Just won't let.

So keep playing hopscotch with the truth
I'll hang on tight to my virtue

The mess you made?
I was left to clean.
I scrubbed it spotless,
While you skipped 3,000 miles
Like a rotten fiend.

You’re a shadow of the man I thought you were--
Or who I had hoped you were, at least.

Every good deed you’ve done
Has been thrown back in my face
As proof of your love.
While every mistake I made
You never forgave.

Consider these my parting words
Because, finally, I’m done

I can’t take the constant abuse.
The emptiness I feel has no use.
Forever *******
By life’s vicious wheel
Of misfortune.

I hope you’re happy with your new life
That's not any part of mine.

Since I’ve been such an awful daughter
it’s not a huge loss now, is it?

Didn’t think you’d admit it.

But I’m far better than you, you see--
I gave you countless chances
And let you back in.

I believed that you changed,
But you proved me wrong.

I wish you well,
I really do.

No matter what you may think,
Part of me will always love you.
You’re my father, my blood, after-all.

But you left me,
So why wouldn’t anyone else?
I play that game constantly with myself-
Shut down. Turn off.

When it comes to relationships,
It’s living hell
To get the real me
To come out of this hardened shell
That you helped me build.
Quite a lonely guild.

I’ll fight every urge to mistrust men,
But walking down the wedding isle
My arm will bend
With no hand to hold.
I’ll face the world alone--
Exactly the way you left me,
The way you wanted it.

This is everything you asked for, isn’t it?

So I’ll be the bigger person for one last time:
I wish you well;
Goodbye.