Wish. Want. Wait.
Stop. Go. Slow.
Struggle. Resist. Work.
Breathe. Break. Hurt.
Mend. Seek. Find.
Ache. Silent. Blind.
Sight. Key. Open.
Words. Fumble. Spoken.
Eyes. Link. Truth.
Here. Now. You.

Vaccuum-sealed sorrow
Cancer's curse
I wait for tomorrow
Hope it doesn't get worse

A parasite to the soul
No one has control
They let the poison in
But the tumor grows ag'in

Until they finally cease
Like a dog with fleas
Treatment is over
Nothing left to do

Except wait

Wait until the parasite consumes you
Eats you whole
There's nothing left
The mare leaves her foal

Please parent me from 3,000 miles away
on your ten minute break
text me questions
Make small talk
Remind me of every little mistake
It’s quite endearing.

That’s all the time you have for me
Unsettling how
In those 10 minutes you turn my world upside-down
Make me feel like a child again
Incapable, helpless, scolded
Certain words bolded
In your messages filled with regret and hate
For four years straight
It’s getting pretty old now
Your words getting colder now
Still don’t know how
You get away with it all
Make me fall
For your fatherly charm
It quickly turns into words of knives
Just as I disarm
And let you back in
You break me down again
Emails telling me just how horrible I am
My friends are left to pick up the pieces
Again and again and again

Each time I think
Maybe he’s changed
Maybe it’ll be different
Maybe he loves me, misses me
Maybe he’s the daddy I used to know
The danger of my maybes:
They never become his truth
As he sweet talks his way back in
Then takes a shot in the dark
With his military aim and malicious heart
“I love you
How’s school?
Congratulations!
I’m so proud!”
Then I blink.
“Grow up!
Stop blaming everyone else
I cried because you didn’t call
You’re selfish, you’re jealous
You don’t know how to love
You don’t understand
If I didn’t run away from you I would be dead”

This pattern is getting old
Tiring my heart and soul
Building up my wall
Blocking people out
Because of the way your text SHOUTS
I am the target of your regret
You are a fine shooter--
Always manage to get
A bull’s-eye
Straight to my heart,
Then the tears start
For days on end.
I am a crying criminal;
A walking zombie in someone else’s life.
I believe all that you say
You’re my father
Shouldn’t you tell me the truth?
So I really must be all those things
It’s all my fault
I’m a bad daughter
A selfish person
The me that I knew is all lies
My own father hates me
So everyone else should too

I don’t want to sleep
I can’t control my dreams
Not sure what I’d do
if I dream a dream of you

You held me close
Most of my life
Consoled my cries
Kept me in line

Made me laugh
With silly faces
and ridiculous rhymes
Made me fall in love
With all things art and music
Showed me how to make a wish
And never lose it

I never got to say thank you
For all you taught me about life
You were here one day
Gone the next- in mind
You slowly slipped
For almost a decade
We all watched you fade
But now you’re bright and free

The last time I saw you
I knew.
You reached for my hand
You couldn’t use your words,
So you used your eyes,
To tell me you loved me
And to say goodbye

I’ll forever treasure the moments we had
On Palmer Ave:
You’d sneak me sugar-coated strawberries
Along with a “Shh…Don’t tell your mom”
Peach ice cream in the summer
And a Gingerbread house in the winter.
Always ready for a game of Go Fish
Or a puzzle-- done from the outside edges in.
The door was always open for friends and family
Especially during Christmastime
With your decorations and cookies-a-plenty

You’d give the shirt off your back
All anyone had to do was ask
You’d be there in a heartbeat
Family is forever
So remember to stay together
Never lose sight
Of what really matters.

When you die
The legacy you leave behind
Will live forever in the hearts you touched
And the souls you changed.
For all this I thank you, Grandma
Every single day.