You're sinking in my soul.

If it comes to pass
That these words are my last
Lay me down easy
Beside salty shores, warm and breezy
You'll find many thoughts left undone
Broken sentences, tales only half-spun
Hearts lay throughout, fluid and true
None so precious as the one shaped like you
I've protected and shielded those needing care
Handing gently to death love found so rare
Judge softly for I, like you, have sin
The line between morality grown porous and thin
To ashes and dust my mortal form go
Such is the rhythm of our ebb and flow

Saturated with midnight's palette  
I cloak myself in darkness
Moonlight tells the tale of too many dawns spent wishing for twilight
Every time I close my eyes I can still see your colors
Bourbon honey, the golden burst of your striated iris
Greek god glow, soft skin that reached for mine
Autumn's Burning Bush, our heated mouths, braided gums, eager tongues
Winter is tolerated
Varied other states of "now", avoided
This is the suspension of my grief
You lose a lover due to your choice or theirs
Possibility continues to grow between you
(one never knows until one does)
You lose a heart beat to silence
Hope only continues on for those left behind
(if the broken can piece back together)
That once promising soil now home to a bare spot in my garden
I still water your first phase flower
Knowing that I must preserve sufficiently
Color belongs with you
Shadows, with me

I once had the secret to letting go
Now I find it hard to slip my grip
Even oil-slicked let me downs
Impossibly stick fast to shaking fingertips

All of us...and everything else
Is dual natured
For every positive there is a negative
Perfection of yin and yang
Yet we only praise the "good"
When in fact it is the "bad"
That we learn from
The sun warms : causes drought
The rain quenches : floods the fields
If all we had were good times
Great memories and our health
How would we know what to be thankful for?
Without disease, famine or struggle
We would not grow
No matter how much rain or sun

The base of my spiritual perception
Is like putty
Constantly being remolded
As I evolve
I'm glad for you, your stability
Happy that your interpretation
Demands the servitude of your heart
I cannot help that mine runs free
Flowing through gorges
Cascading down rainbow mist falls
Tearing apart against the jagged edges
Of my preconceived notions
Only to reassimilate new ideas of
*Immortality

You

There are so many words I could pull out of my fingertips.
Passion that fills my lungs
Shadowed *** filled air breathing through me
Waking up that sleepy side that never knew
The heated intensity that you've always called to
Soft lips and sharp teeth capturing your need
******* and biting it into an inferno

I want to go down in flames together

Clouds gather
Shadows race across the afternoon
The tops of trees sway towards the ground
As if hungry for it's solid kiss
Rumbles echo in the near distance
Electricity crackles in it's wake
Thor sending love notes
A veritable visual feast of destruction
Strange swirls form funnels
Whisking everything it's path
Up
Soon the roar of a train engine
Careening out of control down steel tracks
Circles closer to where you think is safe
Hidden
Whipping wind harder and harder
Big Bad Wolf storm
Determined to blow your house down

These voices inside
Are not silent
They are free
Shouting and singing
me me Me **ME

I suppose I have stalled confronting
The true depth, true meat of the problem
I am missing.
Not a half or a whole or a part
The me that was with you
Is gone
I begrudgingly have come to aching terms with your loss
Only to wake up silent and still
Reaching for your warmth
Not every night but some
Those that hum that certain tune
The one that reminds me of you
I most admittedly am in mad, passionate love with life
Every passing cumulus cloud
The flood of mortalities wake
I will keep jumping from great heights
Feel of the fall only eclipsed by safe landing
Feet on ground
Reaching deep to find me again
The one that can handle the sting of your loss
I do not want to forget
*Only to remember

Silence fell, the waves broke through
A whisper on soft wind
I will find a center in you
Pressure pulse beating rhythm to night time dreaming
I am left with the sobriquet
Always leaving
We are heaving, pulling moves from all directions
A solid stunt with clouds for vision
Unknowing of our fated predilections
The desire for something different, sings wild
Curved and copulate along fine lines
Dreaming bright colors vivid like a child
Urging to pull closer and keep what is within reach
Having no more power over the hours
*Than those that the stars keep

I have completely slipped the grip
Where there was once creation and imagination
There is dull grays and heavy blues
Stagnant.
An atmosphere who's lullaby is silence
I get angry
I thrash at blank pages
Shatter unresponsive ink onto white walls that have no recourse
Then cry
Then rage
Then cry some more
These days are wearing thin
Underneath it all I am vulnerable and raw
I need you to see that, to hear this, to know me
I want you to stop treating me like I am dry clean only

Summer is associated with social outings
Ice cream and heat
Yet winter holds all of the ice we would need
The warmth of our cuddled flesh
Is no match for July at mid-day
Many a life is created during long, blustery nights
Celebrated when the sun is at it's peak
I cannot help but despise February's numb
Although it is in that distance from feeling where I hurt the most
I thought living in a land without much change would cure
I was wrong
The last breath of your snow
*Follows wherever I go

I have yet to look you in the eye
Yet I know that gaze holds a galaxy within it's depths
Swirling hues of creation mingled with the spark of the divine
*What I would not give to feel your gravity

Nothing compares to the ecliptic, cosmic rainbow swirl
Of your glitter blast love
Bursting over me like summer
Pulling aside the cold gray
Waking up the warmth again
I cannot fully grasp
The effect you've sugar spun around my heart
I only know these midnight cravings
Will only be satisfied with indulgence
Full on buffet of pleasure
Napkin ready  
To wipe up the bright stain of you that will remain

Southern, sweet like honey heart housed in Northern mountains
Flat plains saturated with cranberry bogs
I could feel your laughter
The cool, calm wind ever after
You may have been a weeping willow
Letting me pull gently at your boughs but
I could have braided you into my Valkyrie helmet
Strong wings made of courage thunder
Holding together what little you could piece together
I did not mind
We are all just raw edges one way or another
I miss your words
How they would draw and stretch my heart like taffy
Wrapping up sweet and tight what we hold so dear
The definitive search for the inevitable, the divine, the one
I only have what I saved
For with one button you didn't just fade away
You were gone

Shadows caress like a silk prom dress
Memories of my youth scatter
Dancing along the lines of my past
I heard your voice yesterday on video  for the first time in months
Four years ago we took to the sky
Diving
No idea if this was goodbye
Your last words uttered
Before we again touched ground
"I love you, Brook"
"Everyone else, I'll see you when I come down"
So crisp and clear
As if you were still here
I cried and cried until it hurt
Laughter pushing to insert
For though our end was laced with loss and pain
It is outweighed by the love we gained
This constant push and pull
Triggered by the smallest things
I will miss you every. single. day.
I could never let you fade
This gnawing ache I must let heal
Or I'll never move on
Never truly feel

Summer's filling up all of the cracks
Left behind by winter
A sultry Spanish wind breezes through
Causing sweaty palms to melt
Into the blaze of young lover's hearts
They keep their hopes in ball glass jars
Holes punched through to breathe
Short lived still, like so many things
Their twinkle fading with the Dawn

I've dipped
Cold toes into your lapping edges
Tide pools wide as craters
Years deep with stars and scarfish
Not knowing you'd **** me in too
On down I sink
Gulps of your ink slick love flood
The tightened synch of my lungs
Your warm depths thaw
This January heart
A year of darkness, breaks
Below, light shines
Soft and glowing as I drown in you
This must be heaven
*This must be heaven

Loving you is like trying to light a damp cigarette
The skin eventually burns but the heart stays dark

Dig deep*
Free your mind
We are not one in front of the other
*But side by side

Surface relationships.
Virtual hello's.
Days without hearing a voice other than those in your head.

I do not understand how we as a species are going to survive with such space between us.

Our current society may view us as being more connected than ever.

*I feel us drifting further and further apart

Sweet sweet mercy
You've got all of my serotonin receptors going crazy
Firing haphazardly from one side of my psychedelic nerve endings to the other
In synchronized ******* bliss
Your affection splashes in prismatic colors
Reflecting sea breezes, night skies
Too tight ribs barely contain
Unable to handle my wrecking ball heart
Throb
Breaking down these rainbow stained walls
Please
I gotta get out of this skin
The sharp edge of your butterfly kiss
Will do nicely
Alice in Wonderland style
Curiosity often leads to trouble
Inked permanently across your tongue
I want a taste
*Just give me one taste

I crawled myself home
Soaking wet through the trees
After standing for hours outside of your window
Hoping for a peak
Into your warm light insides

I thought about that summer night

When you told me to open up my eyes
Turn skyward my hands of light
Paint the stars across it's silky midnight blue
You said it changes when I touch it
Soft at first then sweeping strokes
I never forgot the hitch in your voice
As you watched me work
We talked til bright rays touched us at morning

I grew cold as I waited
The night settling into my bones

You never came home

I wonder if she is special
Special like you said I was
Hauling my bruises and heartache onto the porch
Tears mingle with rain as I cry myself to sleep
Against my door frame
Hearing your voice whisper through the trees
*Open your eyes. Paint with light.

Between earth and sky
I live a lie
Upon minutes and years
I flood these tears
Down hallways and alleys
I traverse these valleys
Out of windows and screens
It remains to be seen

Shadows swirl across a quiet mountain lake
Alabaster skin reflects softly under silver light
There had been a message of mysterious happenings
Dancing, chanting, wild things in the woods at night
She was one of them
Moon child of the old mother
Face turned into her soft rays
The wind whispers through her hair
Telling secrets of times long past
Faster and faster she twirls, twisting high in the air
Embracing the perfect sound
Allowing her soul to soar
"O Goddess of old, ancient one who gave us birth
I give to thee my creative mind, the center of imagination
Flow through me, allow me to be free"
She sang three times on the breeze
Words taken up into the starry skies
She slows and wraps her arms around her middle
Feeling the power of ages seep into her bones
Moon child of the old mother

Ache.
I cannot explain to you what is left
All I know is that the emptiness remains
Waking up hollow, forlorn
Reaching for the comfort of your skin
The sheets lay cold next to me
Still folded, smelling like sleep and summer
I breathe you in deeply
Tears fill my tired eyes, I never cry
Nothing changes, everything stays the same
The quiet night is a constant reminder of what I lost
You got out before I could
Low clouds mope around gray, melancholy
Wishing for sunlight to burn them away
The memory of being whole prevents recovery
I turn over and allow dreams of other dimensions
To take hold and spirit my soul to you

I need no one's validation
To know that what I feel
Is real.

My hands were little
Where yours where not
Tipped in cherry red satin
Flowers seemed to follow your footsteps
"Hold ya!"
My arms stretched high above your knees
For love
I grew up knowing that comfort
Every tear. Every heartbreak.
Soothed by your whispers
Calmed against the cradle of your heart
When the time comes
For you to  ease into the shadows
Know that these arms will be there
*As your's have always been before

He sat numbly
Guitar strings silent beneath still fingers
A sore heart nurtured in the solacial sound of solitude

(pull yourself together)

He edges his lap desk closer
Parchment, ink and quill
To most the page looks blank
Only he can see the clear stain of memory spreading
As it grows larger with each metronome tick

(tear yourself apart)

He ties laces without passion
Single knots for slow walks
The night damp sings softly
Not easing the turmoil
Merely giving it a voice he could not find

*(therapy can be found anywhere, even in the dark)

He sat in silence
Face buried in his liquid amber glass
Smoky shadows cloaked slumped shoulders
I knew that weight
It's mantle one of regret
Soaked in guilt
Did his mistake lead him here
To drown?
He swallows suddenly
Great sobs flood sore eyes
We are all tattered, scattered, trying to find our way
I edged close enough
To lay a comforting hand
Breathing in the haze of his grief
Dead weight leaned into mine
Wet shoulder, tangled hair
All he needed was to feel...something
Something more than his own chill
"You are not alone" I whisper
*None of us are

If there were thousands of galaxies between us
I would still traverse each one *searching

I may not be able to feel my fingers
The words still flow.

Sometimes a song will come on
I will catch the scent  of your cologne
Takes me back to a summer where I went wild
Letting my mouth run free in the breeze

I smiled only for you
Young veins brimming with life
Pounding heart racing beside you in the July darkness
Your bright stars dancing around my thoughts

We did not get along the way we thought we would
A tempest instead of a love storm
Broken, forlorn I continued on alone
I still remember that ache

I used to be close enough
To breathe you in...

Now I must settle for tasting you
On the wind.

"they" keep us numb with news of horror, loss and war
To distract from the reality of calculated ******
Our inability to connect with suffering unless we ourselves are touched
Is tragic
That is our signature
Change triggers our fight or flight
You probably chose flight
Easy way taken, light visible at the end of the tunnel

What is there is comfortable.
Planned.
Safe.

Your place in life assured
To be bland.
Worked to your last breath
(Almost assuredly taken in pain from cancer)
Used. (Taxes are theft)

We lack the cohesive ability to connect
Never touched it personally
Feeling sad or horrified does not change the reality
MOVEMENT!  ACTION!
These two simple words
One an example of the other
Could change the world
The future.

What we are remembered for.

Yes, we are good at war.
Excel at it in fact
Many would say an "art form"
Whispered sovereignly across the lips of megalomaniacs, genocidial delusionists and those who always thirst for more
never quenched
Our perfected brand of self-species annihilation
Will be what we are remembered for
"Even one so precious, written from the mouth of god"
Did not stand a chance
Against our innate brutality
Consistent fear of change

Yet our past does not define us
Our actions right this very minute
How we treat not only others but also ourselves
They reflect what we have learned
We can choose to forgive. To love.
To respect each other
Bright beacons give light when we are in shadow
Rarely are they chosen to follow
Blinding all the same
They had many hands to guide them home

They chose love.
You can too
That is what I hope "we" are  remembered for

Mourning
Has washed over but it's swelling tide
Does not ebb
Each day dawns in brightness
Many things for which I thank
Surrounded by love, by comfort
Yet even the weight of your arms fall short
This sadness has become a sickness
For which there is no cure
The rose tinted frames I wore before
Are now shadowed
The sun still shines
Birds singing
But it's always raining in my head
Leaking out to form rivers
From where I spring in cathartic feeling
Healing is no process
It is a journey
One that I will follow through this life into the next

I had it in me.
Now it is out.
I always fill back up.
Waiting for the black to fall.

In the quiet light of morning
Sleepy slumber eyes
Meet my sunny, smiling gaze
Heaven is as personal as our gene structure
*This heaven is mine

Do not focus so much on the form
*We are all eternal

Just keep on keeping on
This rickety frame will too
Collapse is eventual
Not always up to you
I suppose there in lies the beauty
Of not really knowing day to day
What around the corner holds for us
Perhaps we'll fade into the shade
Now I was raised by a wild hearted woman
Who taught me how to listen to wind song softly
Close whispers, their hidden melodies
Led my colors out more than often
I hung myself in trees
A hopeful wanderer
Trecked honey rich valleys
Always on the search for...something
Until knowing it was the search itself
In which case I will never be through
Scattering petals from one end to the other
You'll stand in wonder, curious as to who
Could hold such a creature
Maybe even you

You've got your construction hat on
The project funds long gone
Sunk deep into the frame
Laying before you

Steel cut. Sharp edged
Yet you see the beauty in these bones
Know what it's like to go it alone
Having only support beams
To keep your shape

Call it a draw
                   Don't call it quits  
No more use for that cement mix          
Weighing down the boots you'll pour it in
Cold drop. No sudden stop.
Sinking into ill dug culverts
Lapping at scarred shores

I've stood this long without
Now I need your help
To weather the storm

Let's go back*
Those drawn out mornings of soft light and even softer touches
Sparkling dust motes floating mid-air
A vision of perfection twisted in love drenched sheets
I could stay in bed all day
Just listening to you breathe

For solemn hands to hold as I grow frail and old
Wrinkled eyes smiling tiredly back at mine
In their depths I would relive soft tongued mornings
Stormy edges that echoed the heated joining of youth and vigor
I have danced and dallied with the widow maker
With sharp design he’s a real heart breaker
Ticking time tears add salt to each story retold
At my feet to little ears and little eyes that yearn to see
If only for a moment
What it was like to be free

I still wake up
not remembering
Reaching for your warmth
*I always do

Awareness
Cotton soft sheets against satin skin
One eye eases open
A muffled groan into pillow
Tells the sun to continue it's slumber
For the moon still wishes to reign
Her silver light dancing over valleys
Each curve highlighted in pearlescent relief
Hollows where your tongue longs to linger
The dawn edging closer
As do you
Lover mine donning smile
Open heart
Right here
Always in between
Where I am
Where I'm supposed to be