It's something I crave daily to try and lessen the anxiety I experience in life

I need control in every aspect of my life
something as simple as cleaning
all the way down to my own feelings

When I lack control in one aspect of my life
it intensifies in another

I try my best to avoid feeling different emotions because I begin to feel out of control when I feel them

I listen to sad songs because it allows me to control a specific feeling in that moment

I am not sure where this habit was learned
I am not sure when this habit was formed

but it has created such a strain on my life
I need to learn to be okay without control
or just less of it

I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I have made too many mistakes
regretted too many decisions

but where does that leave me now?
I can't make decisions based off of how I feel
because how I feel is tainted with anxiety

I feel stuck in time
while the days pass by me
unable to make decisions
fearing that I will one day regret them

so instead
as time moves on
I do not

When I'm anxious I feel frozen in place
like my feet are glued to the floor
like the air I gasp for is thick and humid

When I'm anxious I feel tired
like my mind is running a marathon
like my heart is begging to take a break

When I'm anxious I feel broken
like I am constantly scrambling to seem put together
like my reflection can see through my facade
ashamed of what it is looking at

When I'm anxious I feel hopeless
like no one can possibly help me
like I will forever feel this way

you'd think after so much time
I wouldn't be triggered
but here I am typing
feeling as though the words are spilling out of me
just like old times

I have come to terms with a lot
I have accepted a lot
but I still think you are still trying to manipulate me

I hope that I am wrong
I hope that after 5 years you have grown from that
I hope that it is just my trauma response

but why post a gym selfie in my old camp shirt?
why do you still have anything of mine?
aren't things like that triggering for you too?
don't things like that remind you of how abusive you were?

I accepted you on social media to prove to myself and to you that I was okay
That I could see you on social media without spiraling into an anxiety attack
That I could see you try to be happy with someone else without hating myself

And although all of these things are true 5 years later
I don't think the PTSD will ever leave me

So please, get rid of the shirt.

Why did no one warn us what being in your 20s is actually like?

There are 25 year olds married.
There are 25 year olds just starting their career.
There are 25 year olds living with their parents.
There are 25 year olds with babies.
There are 25 year olds living with friends.
There are 25 year olds in school.
There are 25 year olds buying a house.

There is no rule book.
There is no timeline after high school.

It's daunting.
Some days you may feel behind.
Other days you may feel ahead of the game.

When in reality there is no finish line.
There is no winner or loser.

Just a bunch of kids living life, figuring it out along the way.

Do you think the moon ever gets frustrated repeating the same phases over and over again?

Do you think the moon wishes to stay full?

Do you think on the days the moon is not full, it feels incomplete?

Do you think the moon ever feels lonely, missing the sun?

Do you think the moon stares at its reflection, criticizing every crater?

I wonder if the moon knows how beautiful it is.

The worst thing I have ever done was try to love someone while I was still broken

I expected him to pick up the pieces without getting cut

I was blind to the blood dripping off his hands while he held me afloat

I was apathetic to the bruises formed on his arms from my inability to let go

His every wince in pain was covered up with a smile of support undeserving

I was too far buried in my own mind to grasp reality

I was too far gone to see that the problem was not he or we but me

I left him in the afterglow hoping one day I’d meet him there knowing now I deserve of no such destination