I finally figured out why it was so hard for me to love again after him

I always said I wanted to find passion without abuse
but what I didn't realize is that I actually confused them for each other

I wanted so badly to feel again without the bad parts
but what I didn't realize is that without the bad parts
the good parts wouldn't have felt as great as they actually were

I wanted to feel the same way he made me feel without the abuse
but what I didn't realize is that you can't have one without the other

what I felt for him was so intense
it was so deeply rooted in me
I wanted that
and I couldn't understand why I kept failing to find it again

when I did find someone who reminded of that feeling
instead of embracing it
arms opened wide
I ran
confused by my own decisions

I asked myself "You waited this long to find someone you could love and the second you find it you ruin it, why?"

I didn't realize that what I spent years looking for was the feeling I could only feel while being in an abusive relationship

I didn't realize that a normal, healthy relationship doesn't make you feel that way

and that's okay

You should be able to love someone without having to feel everything so intensely at all times

You should be able to feel comfort and content without thinking there is something wrong with the relationship

You should be able to have passionate days and normal days and bad days all mixed together without thinking your relationship is doomed

Because a normal relationship is not like the movies

and it is not like what I experienced 4 years ago.

6 months of therapy
and I'm not anywhere close to being done

but I have seen great progress
and for that I am grateful

I feel happy
euphoric
hopeful
in love
satisfied with the present
content with the future
at peace with the past


I feel broken
tarnished
stained
infected
polluted with anxiety
poisoned with trauma
warped with self-loathing
rooted with problems

People say love comes your way when you least expect it

and maybe that's when I'll know that I'm ready to let love in again

when I stop looking for it
when I stop letting it consume my thoughts
when I stop letting it control my decisions

I will be ready for love

When I accept that there is no set plan
When I accept that time is not meant to cause anxious thoughts
When I accept that it is okay to be alone

How do you know you're ready to experience love again when your mind is the last thing you trust?

you have every reason to be skeptical
3 failed relationships proves that doesn't it?

you blame yourself
not seeing the warning signs
ignoring the bad parts of a relationship
thinking it'll change
or maybe that it simply doesn't matter enough

but love is a drug
and love is blinding

every.single.time

love has blinded me

love has given me such a high
that when the withdrawal hits
it is so excruciating
I blame myself for getting high in the first place

so why do I keep doing it?
maybe because each time I am convinced that it is going to last
or maybe because I am just so desperate to get it right

My drug has failed me so many times that the sight of it now makes me sick to my stomach

I have turned away from it entirely

So why does a part of me worry that I will never get high again?
Sober is safe
Sober is secure

but

Sober is boring

Nothing will beat the feeling of being high in love.

I dreamt of you last night
I still remember everything so vividly

when I saw you I knew that I was dreaming
because of the way you looked at me
we didn't have to exchange words
we both knew it wasn't real
we had to enjoy whatever time we had left together
because I would soon wake up
and we'd be back to never speaking again
we'd be back to you hating me
we'd be back to me hating me

I'd call it a dream but then I'd have to admit to myself that I wanted to dream of you

Life has made me bitter

Every proposal
Every instagram post
Every brag by a friend

I ignore the bitter taste in my mouth
swallow it instead
jealousy hides in my stomach
it tries to escape but I somehow force a smile

from the outside I look happy, hopeful
but my smile is masked by gritting teeth
my eyes start to glaze over
I pray no one notices that I'm no longer present in the conversation
because as they speak my jealousy begins to build
it builds so high I have two choices
change the subject or walk away
anything can be better than someone else's perfect relationship
especially when you're convinced you'll never find yours

life has made me bitter
it's my least favorite attribute