I will stay on my knees in this bright searchlight and I will feel the heat melt my skin.

Will I be alive enough for you then?

I will stick to my promise and I will speak my truth to you.

Will I be alive enough for you then?

And when you sang that song again, loud enough for me to hear it,

Was I alive enough for you then?

you're good at
what you do
you sit and
listen for weaknesses
you're a judgmental
user who likes
to form their
very own lies
you act like
you are better
than everyone but
in all reality
you're the lowest
of all lows
but dont worry
who you are
has nothing on
my past so
you can try
and bring me
down but yet
i will always
rise.

Who
am
i?

Throw your head back fast,
Don't over think it,
Lids closed don't last
Eyes down to fit

Wooden table with years of weather
It's probably long gone,
Replaced with something better

You find comfort in knowing
That new trees are growing
To build new tables

And you'd sit at the table,
Place it in the same spot
And wait for a dying fable

You would sit there forever
For him to find a little down time
Because he knows how to be clever
Turn the ending sublime
And make you feel better
When you knew it was the end of the line

It wasn't a willow tree,

                     It wasn't pine,

      Definitely not a place to hide a form of dime

             Defended your high honor,

               Talked endlessly for days

         Where embrace took breath away

     Promises to always stay

               But things don't go as plan,

            And I'm no longer your most admired fan

       Under that big tree no longer stands

            The wood curved to host,

    Mocking tree with wood,

           A cruel joke

      Under tree, I'm a fish out of water,

           Breathing becomes harder

    I shake from the cold,

Even though sun shines in pure gold?

          Dirt sticks to crimson stained skin

      Bare like the tableless tree,

   Heart mourns to the akin

Of the disjointed promises to be free

             And the never knowing

     Taste of thee

Is it safe to say
that you're a better man today?
Is it clear enough
that I acknowledge your contentment in this life?
Have you found
everything you have looked for?
Is it obvious with the way
they find time to make you blush?
Years have passed and
it doesn't fully make sense.
Horrible like a deceiving snake,
I spend my life asking what if.
Doomed to life of hell,
it's what's deserve,
it's what I get.
Year's later, hard to forget.
And honestly, that's the
worst hell that could
ever be foreseen.
Scraping ice of windows,
time has no defeat at your hands.
Living with seeing bear and
never knowing,
a life spent in despair.

Maybe now she'll
fully participate when
she's imagining your
graceful love and she doesn't
know if your hands are
soft or rough but
she imagines they're soft so
the hands that pass the time
on her are soft and
she doesn't remember what
you smelt like or if you still
smell like that but the
darkness of her eyelids portray
the grass and water and
trees and it will sometimes
smell like it just rained
and sometimes it will smell
like sunshine and summer air
and she doesn't know
how it feels to be a part
of your hair but the hair
in front of her will be yours,
eyes closed and she is
used to this, imagining
it was someone it would
never be and it never
felt right and she doesn't know
if it will always stay like this
but at least with her
eyes closed now she'll
participate and
wouldn't you know,
that's a whole
new joke of
it's own

I will sit with you
In the way we used to
I'll do what you used to do,
Wipe my own tears
And erase my fears
I'll breathe in this winter
Exhale innocent wonder
Of an endless summer
And feel death come closer
It's far gone from you,
I'm the only one that suffers
This lonely afternoon

I'm sure I could find ways
To yell this loud enough so it
Could consume every inch of space around you
Would my voice haunt you
Reminding you of how I defended your high honor?
Or would it take you back
To when my thumbs portrayed
The ugly side of a cold heart?
You could call,
Tell me how we were both wrong
Paint me a beautiful picture
Of how it could have been and
Every single thing that I will never know
I'd describe the way lights flash
Behind closed blinds in the dead of night
Because I no longer sleep unless
My eyes are heavy with exhaustion
Or sore from crying
How I do things to pass the time
To help you smile and make you feel better about your decision,
I'd cry when I say I'm sorry
And you might believe it this time
But you have to go
And it's too late
Because you have to go
And be good for someone else
And it's too late
Because you left the meaning to the promises back there
So you're sorry, you have to go.

I sat in the far back,
You were in the front
With all your friends,
Goofing off and taking pictures,
Being loud and annoying
But I really just wanted a picture with you,
I scuffed right after that thought
Because look at you
I think you tried to make me laugh
Or tried annoying me
So I faked like I was ignoring you
But you made me laugh
With your dunb stupid ways
And your cheeks were extra red,
More than their seemingly consistent
Rosy pinkish red
But I can close my eyes now
And remember how the green
Fiber tickeled my palm as I
Slowly but gently scooted my hand
Close to you and I was worried to death
Because I didn't know what you'd do
And I remember the green cushion turning
Into the metal that connected the two,
It was cool against my hot flesh
Because you made my heart race
And I was worried because I liked you
And I looked down and I was close,
So freaking close that I couldn't stand it
And you were there and you treated me
Like I was something important and like I wasn't unwanted
And you looked at me
You looked at me and you never laughed because of anything
Like the other people did
And you was making those silly faces and I was trying so hard not to laugh
And you flopped your hand down and lifted your shoulders
And I was feeling reckless,
Reckless but like I was about to die
And pinky touched pinky,
Skin meshed into skin
And I pulled back and I swear
Out of all the thibgs my hand had ever felt before that moment,
It was a spark that lit up every part
And you kept your hand there and we shyly giggled and smiled
And from that moment you gave me courage to be brave with you
And I wish, I swear I would give anything to have those moments again
To have you put that back in me
But something else causes sparks
To erupt and light up every part of you
And that spark isn't me

I lick my
finger tips
to get boys attention.
Or maybe
I'm just getting
a pesky hair out of
my smoke field mouth.
Why go so fast?
Living fast
and
dying young.
It's okay.
I don't care about
what you've heard
or what you'll try
to do.
Would you rather hear
about what this mouth has done
and maybe
where these hands have gone,
dear?
I can tell you stories
about what these eyes
have seen
and I could recite all
the pretty words these
ears have believed.
But those aren't
the ones you want to hear.
And unfortunately,
those aren't the ones
my mouth will ever bare
to snakes like you,
who think they have
already won.

It's just a coincidence my father
Pointed out styrofoam,
And I have no one to trust
It's just a coincidence my father
Loses track of keys in the way
I find everything because I'm observant
It's not a coincidence that I
Wonder of people that give absolutely
Not one ounce of care for me
All these noises in my streets,
I overshadowed the possibility
The only thing I should ever fear
Is myself

Freckles,


         They just aren't on your face


And they connect more


      Than just random shapes on skin,


They connect people like


           Stars and galaxy's in the


Palms of the beholders.

Rip out your eyes,
search even deeper for something close to truth.
Examine every aspect of a line,
A game you were made to lose,
that's all you will ever find.

Make all the noise that he can,
write pretty rhythm with his hand.
But you will never believe that man.

Tear apart your half beating heart,
going past the deepest of scars.
The pain that you first felt,
it's the same that you delt.
You call out to the long gone,
emptiness will stay a phantom in your arms.

Make all the noise that he can,
write pretty rhythm with his hands.
But you will never believe that man.

Search for light in the peace,
a feeling that will never cease.
Longing for a great divine,
a feeling that will out stand time.
A burden you will never heal,
the fate of never knowing has been sealed.

Make a beat to shake my ground,
write words for a heart to cry without a sound.
Your happiness was never mine to be found.

The wind picks up,
the roof can give way.
In this bed I'll stay,
daydreaming my life away.

The rain will pour down,
but I will continue to lay.
I will continue to watch
every memory fade.

Like a vacuum of a godly design,
I watch the moments embedded in my mind
float to the surface of a great divine.
Next are the things I wished to have done differently,
making dying not something akin to finally.

Childhood memories of my mother's
golden hair tickling my face,
the way my grandmother filled me with faith.
I have so much to cherish,
so much to lose.
I have so much to perish,
so much I never got to choose.

The wind picks up,
tears flow above.
At the untimely moment of death,
I can't help but find so much to still love.

At the moment alone
in this house made of old stone.
And if I die,
I'll take every broken bone.
It can take everything.
Take everything until
it's all gone.

It's starts around the same time
Before I do just fine
Then reality sets in
And that's when the pain begins

No one would believe me
If I told them how you taught me to see
And it was a pact that we made
Even though life got in the way
There's no truth that you'd believe
But I'm legitimately scared you'll never see
The way I'll cry when I get over this hill
When I let go of stupid pills
And forgive the past to feel

It was something that I forgot
But a feeling I never lost
So when I finally learn to let go
I'm afraid you'll never be there,
Even just as a ghost
It's a memory I long for the most,
It's something you no longer chose

I wonder if I caused you this kind of pain,

Eyes hurt from the consistent rain

I wake with an insufferable start,

A dull hollow ache with every breath in my heart

Radiates from my chest to the tip of my toe,

It follows wherever I go

And I'm not one for dancing,

But I'm dancing with this truth

Lost in this decayed youth

You rest easy with views of a new home

And I'm the only one suffering alone

Have you seen what I'm working with now?
I'm running it into the ground,
Bringing it to my level.
You were down here once, too.
I'm ultimately sure of it.
Are you doing your smirk at my sad existence?
Or just watching it pass by?
Maybe that salt life is still calling your name.
It's funny either way,
You have a way of popping up.
I wanted to ask you why you used to look at me like that.
Used to, that's the big part.
Now you can't even look at me,
Red means go to me,
Just in my head for a minute.
The sweet relief of metal in my side and broken glass in my skull.
Just a minute of daydreaming of everything ending.
Maybe if it was on the couch and the scratching of nails
From my dog being locked in its crate,
Heavy breathing was heard.
I would have asked you and now, years later,
A different house and a different couch,
That grasshopper noise would stick with me
Why am I writing about this?
Why do I even think about it?
This year has been a record breaking year.
I'm no longer negative about anything,
Just my self and my sad existence.
I guess that's what happens when you've finally
Been hit with a train wreck and you're frozen,
Grounded to the spot with the hard hitting reality
That everything is my fault.

I went through my things
And I found it today

Out of everything,
I don't know what to say

There's nothing I would change
Even though I contemplated throwing it away

We were younger


You was lightning,


Fast and beautiful


And I was thunder,


Bold and truthful

You sometimes meet people
Out of the ordinary,
By accident or something pushed you together
Either way they have changed your life forever

And sometimes things don't work out
Sometimes some are lucky and they do

They say you forget things if they're not that important
But sometimes that's just not true
You forget sometimes so you can be reminded of who you were
When you have lost your way

We met by chance in all honesty
And you showed me how to be something
I thought I could never be
And I taught you to be proud and
Showed you how to be free
And you lose things over time,
Physical and emotionally,
The things you thought you would always hold close
Is replaced with other things

But the thing I hope you remember is how
I used to make you feel
Even about your talent or how I showed
I didn't have any myself by writing that weak *** poem on the first page
About how to be free

As I'm finding myself again
I remember being brave
And having nerve to go out of my way
And maybe it's indifferent to you now
But someday I'll try to go out of my way again
And I might fail a few times,
I might stumble and fall
But I'll get back up and do it again
And I will try really hard to make you proud too

You shall know
the truth and
the truth shall set
you free

And I feel like
I have died
and there isn't anything
Left in me

But somehow
Flowers and trees,
Butterflies and birds
That sing are
Replaced with new

And even though
I'm way, way past the end
And I know I will
Never see you again
You'll always be my friend

And my pain will
Wash away my dusted sins
And a new life will begin

I'm not one
For patience and
An overdose of
Memory loss

I wonder if
This is the pain
You felt when I
Would talk about him

And the rage
When you believe
I didn't mean
A single word I said

What can I say?
I loved him
And you?
You loved walls

Walls can be
Your new found
"Middle name!"
And I will outlive
Any name you give me

I will eventually
Reach a north and
Be more than
All the little things
You and every person
Perceived me to achieve

And on that day?
You can breathe this in
And go
Straight to south

I looked for the same kind
Green and 7 ruled subject
But with my consistent luck
There was none to find

So I bought the closest to it
I don't know if the pages will fit

I've tore out four pages so far
And I keep losing focus
In the way that I always do
But it's not lost on other things
Just the things I wonder if you
Would have liked to do
If you'd like this
Or if you'd like that
But then I remember I'm fat
And you never liked me anyway
I just can't fit it in a perfect poem like you

And I wonder if you'll get the notion
To search this place in 10 years again
Will you still see how everything I write
Will still have a part of you in it?

And do find an inkling of respect
Tell me how great life is
Leave the foot shaped mud tracks real deep,
Tell me how the I Do went,
Kids and everything
Make sure it hurts

But I'll sit here,
Write about the things I remember
Somehow tell him it's obviously about him
If there ever is another him

You dug them up,
Did as you said
You tried so hard
It was always like that
From the very start

And maybe you meant,
To find the way to be
The one a lost soul
Could have believed

And was it bittersweet
To have it all remembered
And everything felt again
It helped me find solid ground for my feet

But this mind is
Still at war and
It remembers the
Way you created this

All the beauty,
The courage, the strength
We could never repay you
And these words will
Never be enough too

You breathed them out
And we took them in,
There's no room for this
You're past the end

We'll cherish these things,
Close to our heart is where
They will stay no matter
What time may bring

If you rest easy,
I'm eternally glad for you
If you struggle to understand
I will always have a willing hand

And you have big plans
That I hope was planted
When I was the one free
And was able to take a stand

I hope you reach those dreams,
Every single one of them

And if we meet again without even trying
I'll still feel this and I'll ask you
And if you say you don't have time
I know I will simply say,

"I really wish you did,
But I understand, sometimes life
Isn't everything you make of it
I hope you're happy in all that you do,
I will always cheer for you"

I'll walk away,
A smile on my face
Leave it to you to be so clever,
I'm the only one to know this forever,