If you consider what was done
Anywhere different than me
I would attempt and fail
At feeling sorry for you

If you think it's what I deserved,
I'd simply ask how it's your place
To ever consider that for me
A tale as old as time,
Two wrongs do not make a right
You'll get yours too

Like I have time and time again,
By people dragging a dead horse around
The stench slows me down,
Kills me a little every time

Any line of view is better
Than the face I want to punch,
You were just like everyone else
So I'll tell you the same thing too

You're not above me,
You never were and you never will be
You were just another disappointment
In the long list of them

The equivalent of another shout out
If I ever decide to grow the backbone
It so rightfully takes
To end it all

She once had
dreams of being an
endless summer,
a shinning light.

She lost the fight,
lost every dream.

Hounds came at night,
stole her breath
and her wings.

She's a cautionary tale,
no longer that
uplifting kind your
parents used to tell.

It'd be so easy,
let it consume her whole.
All the things she took,
fitting to have hers stole.

But she could have it back,
a soft resurrection.

It's simple.
Let it go,
stop holding on.
Don't look back,
take life slow.

I tried to find it today,
Thought I tucked it away
To be found by someone in a land to help light their way
But I dug and I tore,
My mind was racing until sore
And I just couldn't do it anymore
Now I want to go back to my old ways,
Find something to take me back to those old days
Where laughter never dies
And you stay forever on my mind
I couldn't find it today but
I'm telling myself it's okay
I'm getting on an aeroplane,
Helping me find my way
Where you will always stay
And these memories don't fade

A bat followed me home,
I looked up through the window

It flew in and out of the light
That my car gave off to the overhanging trees
For a short time

And it instantly clicked,
Bats and rats,
Rice and beans,
Baseball and Saturday's

Why do you remember everything?

And my overbearing imagination
Likes to pretend it was
Almost as if saying you were here
Because I've drove that road hundreds of times
But I've never been down one
That hurts and opens me up
Just like the one you built for me

And it's laughable to say
I would gladly go float in that nasty pond
So the bats could gather and fly me away
To a place where you would choose to stay

To think you differ
Is a tragedy within itself
I would hate to be
Around when the world
Decides to bring it back down
But with neither reason or
Apathy
I still wouldn't wish it on you
Sit high up in
Your rose-colored tower
Boy
And see what
A real human like
Me
Can handle
You'd be amazed
At how far I have come
And how broken and yet
Willing to rise
I will give a hardy laugh
When I still am heads up
After every slip up
And untimely
Fall
To be persistently
Unapologetic towards
Someone with a
Golden broken heart
You my acting dear
Are the worst of
The undoubtedly worst
But forgiveness is
Vengeful and
Undecided in the victor
When you are no longer
The porcelain
Chosen one
I need not another
To find a way
What will be done
When kingdom come
Of the highest knowledge?
I earn my marks
And find strength in
Continuous relay
I know my worth
My name
And infamy fame
But I stand true on
That day

I'd come get my things
But my hands are covered
In the smeared black ash
Of my unholy decayed past

These little things,
They bring new sounds
Fill my ungrateful head
With sounds of the dead

And I hope on a stage
My memory no longer fades
And you let it bloom
No longer wilt with doom

Because in every room
I have cleaned them out
Filled them with flowers of you
I hope you have no doubt

No matter where you go,
No matter what you do
There will always be a part of you
And I hope I make you proud too

I'm sitting in this almost sunset sun
And I'm wondering if yours are this beautiful too
Or if they're more beautiful than mine
I hope they never hurt you like mine do now
Do you feel free with every one of them?
More free than the last one
And I'm wondering if I'll live another one now
Without wondering how they would have
Tasted in my grinning mouth
And on my sun bleached hair and perfectly
Normal and good enough skin if I was the one dancing
In them with you
And I want to get drunk,
So drunk that I stumble down all these streets and alleyways
Until I make it back to your memory
And lay in the frosted grass beside you
While we watch the puffs of our breaths mesh together
In this perpetually never ending winter air
And I'd close my eyes while your unchanging hand
Caresses my still young face and I would breathe your form in
And open my eyes to watch you disappear
Then run, run as fast as my tired feet could take me
Back to where everything really started and
I wouldn't have cared this time if you got mad
Because I wanted you to feel it, to taste it on my lips
To know that it was me and this was special and it really was meant to be
And you wouldn't vanish from my hands that are around your face and the anger
Would be gone and your eyes would flutter open along with mine and I'd smile
In the exact same way you used to make me smile
So I could vanish with you this time and
We would live these days with no walls and I wouldn't let myself
Go and look like this and think like this
And we would grow old and tired but I would love you just the same
And maybe I wouldn't be something to be ashamed of and you wouldn't misuse words and promises because I hurt you and we wouldn't wake up one day when it's too late
Because when you disappear into the sun, no matter where you ever go and who you go with,
I swear I will disappear with you

She no longer has that power

He flew away in the midnight hour

Nothing lasts forever

Wings flap in shades of clever

There's no longer any voodoo talking

He likes to come back for vengeful haunting

I'm messing up
And I'm messing up bad
And my dad says to not worry
But we're losing the house probably
And I haven't done anything with my life
And now every time I mess up
I'm back to being fourteen
I feel you now
It was fast
Everything is so fast now
And I breathe in and you're in the air
I scrub my skin but you're in my veins
I cry and your the salt I taste
And I want to throw my head back
But you're the water above my head
And I have never wanted a promise kept so much
But I've messed up
And now I just want to be more numb
Than any pill I've ever taken

What if


              this red thread


       is tied to the dead carcass


of what you used to be?

I get the sense of how upset
I was to not get to watch fireworks that year
And then when I met you,
I was glad I didn't get to
Because you set fireworks in me
That exploded on their own many years later,
With no one to see the full potential of the colors
I wonder when you stopped
Wishing I was around to see firworks with you
And started wishing it was someone else
I wonder when I'll stop remembering
Things because of everyday actions,
And if I do stop,
Will it be this constant hollow void
Instead of the momentary void
When I am reminded of something
That is then replaced by nostalgia
Because that summer was
******* brilliant
I don't know how to be that brilliant anymore
I've loved since then and had some great summers too
Even if it's gone,
You have to admit it was extraordinary and life changing
And I'll never understand how
I could let myself no longer be your favorite summer

I
managed
to
cough
and
sigh
ten
times
without
even
realizing,
gue­ss
that's
a
part
of
why
you
aren't
here

I
hope
I
made the
short time
worthwhile

Even though
I
became
everything
that
You
despise

I could never paint the picture
Like you did,
I could never remember every detail
Like you did
I could never put so much into it
Like you did
I'm not creative like that and in reality,
You are absolutely right,
I am far below you
I can't take back what I said and did
And is staying up until 5 a.m. a part of the punishment?
Who the **** knows?
Im writing ****** poetry because there is nothing
Left in me that doesn't scream your name
And I want to write it down so you will know,
So you can see how much you change peoples lives
I can't tell you how to live but I hope you live it freely
I hope you're not afraid to be everything you have always wanted
I hope you enjoy the air and holding hands
I hope you stay dancing and making silly faces
I hope you hold onto all that makes you proud
I hope you hold onto what makes you you
I hope the best for you and all that you do
I wish I could experience it with you but I know I never will
And you're right,
It is part of my lie
That's the only thing im consistent at lying about now
How I wish I could trust someone
And now I wish it was you
And I'll wish it was you that's doing stupid things with me
I'll wish it was you that I'll be telling good things to
And in a way I will tell you
It'll be just silently
And I wish that you could have loved me
But I understand because you're so far above me
And im now just swimming in this past,
But im back peddling and im enjoying it,
Bathing in it is a pastime now,
This is my favorite part of my life
And no matter how you feel now or whatever you do,
It will never change that

I have a lot of things left to write,
A lot of things for lost time
And everything is vivid now
I can almost smell the way it was

And you walked barefooted
But I was too cautious
Cause when I was younger there
My father let me place my bare feet
Atop his shoes to walk across the gravel
I wish I could hold these moments until they came back to life
By the warmth of being reminded put back in my heart

Are they not cautious like I was?
Do they follow you wherever you go?

I wish I could be the one
To take your hands and let you balance on my feet
Whenever times are hard,
I wish I could be carefree like them, like you
But I became dependent when he would raise my hands
And do silly dances as I laughed until we got to the car
And I wasn't scared to place my feet on the ground

This is what it was like,
I was standing on your feet until you carried me to
Who I used to be and now my feet are on this ground
And the unknown that I became dependent on
Is no where to be found

My knuckles are numb,
Dirt under my nails.
I scrub it off until my skin was red.

"And then we can meet again while searching for it."

"So you're supposed to know exactly when I'm searching for it?"

"...that does sound unrealistic."

"Another one of your great ideas."

I didn't find it.

Under the florescent bathroom lights, I realize you're everywhere still. And despite what you or anyone else thinks, my body is not big enough to not have you coursing through every inch of it.

You're in the air and you're in every thought I have now.

And I had a hard time believing all the plans you had, maybe if I had put more faith into it..I wouldn't have forgot. I wouldn't have been able to meet him and..I wouldn't have lied to you so much..

Which is why you'll never believe me when I say I will spend the rest of my life sorry for everything I did to you.

Sheets soaked,

She lies in silence of the great unknown

Her body quivers as she tugs

Her graceless arms between her risen knees

She takes deep breaths,

Stares at the fading sun

Vivid yellow like the locks

She tries to recapture to remind her

Of the time she partook in his time

Eyes baggy and dark,

It was another restless night

Now grow dry from remembering

The way he once made days shine

She blinks halfheartedly once,

Lost concentration staring at the wall

The sun had turned orange cream in its descending fall

The colors seep through slit blinds,

Slice her from neck to thigh

Her heart beacons with a mournful why

As her mind does tell her the defeated rhyme

She wonders how the sun tastes to him now

And if he buys them the prettiest flow-ers

She sighs a sigh of defeat,

Rolls over and let's her aching thoughts

Carry her off to a sacred retreat

She touches him there,

Runs her fingers through his hair

Up against the closed door of a bathroom stall

Legs protect her from the fall

She breaths him in,

Goes where she imagines no one has ever been

She only realizes in her dream

The whole time she had cried,

Up until telling his shoulder goodbye

He told you he'd find a way
To give it back to you
And you could finish the maze
But doubt in this is fuzzy peaches
And I've ate one too many
It doesn't just physically show,
Like the jokes he has told,
But it mentally is known
Doubt is ugly in ruining everything
But it's beautiful in the way you remember
All these things
And I wonder if it was a bitter slap in the face
When he finally found a way to give it back,
Did it hurt as much as it does when
I'm waking up and begging thin air
To silence my fear the way you did at the end of gravel road?
Im running through my past now,
Delicately piecing these broken pieces back together
But only in the confines of my mind
Because I could never finish your story
Stories endings change all the time
And you're voice isn't in the wind,
Telling me it's beside the street lamp,
Like you'd be waiting patiently for me there
But I'm dangling my legs over the hollywood sign
I look down and it's a far way to the ground
But the impact would hurt less if I told your shoulder goodbye one last time
And not just looking at it but by smothering my face against it,
Leaving damp trails there that I would
Hope never dries before I hit this dirt and
Become one with this ungrateful earth that I will rejoice in the memory of what could have been if I was not feeble and courageous in the way you once formed me

It was cold and you disagreed
That it was too small of a body
To create a cool breeze
And you asked if I wanted to go warm up,
I said no,
My reason in my mind was because we couldn't
Talk like this with them around
And I was scared to death I'd never hear your voice again
I remember that feeling
I remember that thought
And we sat facing the water under the stars
And it got heavy fast, everything is heavy now
And you got up, you stood in fronf of me
And it was dark but the street light
Helped me see your face and maybe you just didn't want me to feel sad anymore
So you held my face and complemented me
And you probably didn't realize how nice that was
Or the way no one had ever done that to me
And you would sigh and look down and be so determined
And you have no idea how bad I wish you would have been nice like that again

It's dwindled and
It has completely burned out
Over the years and summer days
But you made me brave
And all the things
I was too scared and powerless to do
I did all of them
Whenever it came to being around you
And all I can do now
Is find myself writing about you
Nothing is able to make it up to you,
The props from long ago
Will be gone when you're done
You took the memories,
Refreshed my burdened mind
You left them behind
And now they're all mine
And I'm doing this because I need to
I could never fix it for you
But I'm making it right with me
To find ultimate inner peace

In a land forever more,
It's you that I adore.
Don't run away,
I've memorized your name.
Take my hand,
We can dance and sway.
In this rebirth,
We can lay.
Enjoy our time,
Endless summer days.
Come forth and shine,
Always yours, forever mine.

In the corner,


                                     Out of view



           Don't let me see



                      What you choose






       That's far better than me




           And everything I can never




                        Pretend to be

White stands for purity.
Everything starts out this way,
even the devil.

Yellow is for life.
There is life in everything,
just take it all in.
Stop holding onto grudges,
one upping the component.

Blue is just what happens.
Everything sometimes makes you feel blue,
but it's mainly just a favorite color to some.

Pink stands for comfort.
Find comfort in everything you have.
I could wish people let that part go,
but I don't want people to feel bad anymore.

Black stands for death.
No matter how many wrongs we try to right,
no matter how many fights we win,
we all will die.

Red stands for blood.
Or roses, maybe a nice lipstick color. Possibly someone's hair, a shirt that they wear, or maybe just a shinny new hat.

There was a storm today

     I held my hand out to see

   How long I could stand the pain

                   I got to 46

      Realized three things today

                   Rain is cold

     46 would be an okay age to die

And storms is just another thing

              To remind me of how

     You'd brighten my day,

            Always put a smile on my face,

              Remembered what made me who I am

    And I can't remember

        If I had the courage to be so sentimental

         After you silenced my doubt

           Of it being found

        But I can still feel the ache

     In my awkward body,

        Wanting nothing more than

    To hug you while I cry

And tell your shoulder

         That I would miss you

   That ache is all I can feel now

       And my cries are silent

      "I'll miss you's"

  But this pain isn't being young and scared

          That everything wouldn't work out

      Because you'd find a pretty girl
  
       To marry by that fall and forget

      The little, fat lost puppy that followed you around

            It's the kind of pain you get

   From wishing to do things

       With a passed loved one,

    The could haves,

            The should haves,

                   The would haves...

  


But it will always be too late.