Something lights from within
And a fire boils my blood
I have seasonal feeling
Let's make it known to everyone

There's nothing I can do
When spring turns to summer
And summer fades into fall
Finally I reach winter
The one I've been waiting for most of all

You never really had feelings for me
So I pretend you do
When the world reached that season
That I fell in love with you

Somewhere out there
On the internet so vast
Is a secret society of poets
Who in their works bask

Somewhere out there
Is hidden from the world
A little site of rebels
That walk a path all their own

The title of the page is unknown
Even to the poets who've been there for eons
Hidden in the lesser clicked pages
The poets hide in their secret society

They all click on the link once a month
To tell each other of all their poems they wrote
Then when the day is done
And each is logged off
The secret site disappears again
The society lost

Somewhere out there
Is a secret society
Of poets just like us
With disappearing links
And words like a gun

The shadows roll over me
Eat me alive
I let them because I know they are my friends
They hide me from society
The jungle of a community that we call the earth

I seek something dark in the middle of the day
Wishing you would just bring me inevitable pain
Seeking something dark
I'm hiding from you
Hiding from who you are

Seeking something dark
I let you overwhelm my pain
When you take over my brain
You leave me alone and unfeeling
Seeking something dark
Leave me alone in an unclear murk

You can always tell a self destructive writer
By their poetry

Because sometimes they are redundant
And other times they are expressing pain

But they always tell a story of being hurt
And locked into their own head

But this my dear, is why they write
Because the person in their head is trying to get out

Self destructive writers
Are usually dark

But when they are light
They tell you how perfect you are

So that you don't do the same thing
That they did to themselves

Self destructive writers
Don't want you to make their scars
On your arms

This is the stage that everyone knows
where the predator gets what he wants from the victim
this is the most commonly discussed stage
of ****** harassment
He touches you
Bringing you down
You can't feel anything but his hands
Reigning down on you facing
You can't remember a time
Where you weren't controlled by him
Because now there is him.
Only him

If I was a window
My glass would be *****
Clouded by judgement
Shattered by people I knew
Some the people I love

If I was glass
I would be dust
The glass that you walk on
Forever stuck in the soles of shoes

I wish I was not the glass that people broke
I wish I wasn't the shattered glass they say I am
The fragile mess they want me to be
I am the most ****** beautiful shattered glass you've ever seen

Finding peace in silence
Is like finding hope in sadness
The only thing I have found in silence
Is that my own mind works in ways
That I can't understand
The only thing I have found in silence
Are brilliant words that have gone unsaid
The only thing I have found in silence
Is that when nothing makes a sound
Thoughts become far too profound
To ignore
Making silence as noisy
As a nice Nirvana song
That brings peace of mind
Because I know there people like me
That are as deeply ******* up

Silence is worse
Than the worst thing you've ever heard
Because in silence you can't hear
And the words people think
Forever going unsaid
I have missed many a great conversation
Because of this so-called "silence"
That everyone wants to keep

To me, silence is horrid
It is a waste of time
A waist of hope
Knowing that people want silence
I like to be left alone
But if there isn't a song
I am *******
Silence makes all the voices in my head louder
Makes all the logic smaller
Makes the living harder
So don't tell me to be silent
Because when you do
You are making my life
Completely
And utterly

IMPOSSIBLE

The air on my skin
Makes my mind go into the Deep
I am no longer on this earth
I am somewhere else completely
Forest breeze
Against my skin
Somehow I know that I am home again
Milky stone
That is made of flesh
A catch in your breath
Makes me laugh
The air on my skin
Makes my mind go places I've never been
Stone cold faces
Hearts untouched
But the air on my skin
Is making me breathe again

Someday
I hope to not be trapped in a hell that I call my own
Maybe I will be happy and not feel so lonely
But happiness is what I pursue
If I finally obtain it
What is there to chase after?
What is there to spur me on?
Someday
I hope to be somewhere good
With nothing but the things I need
And everything is just perfect
In my own little world
But what if that version of Someday
Doesn't exist
And I am only left with a bad taste on my lips
Wishing that I had never thought of Someday
Of a world that is better than ours
With no pain
No suffering
And no wishing that you could die
Sadly I think Someday
Will only ever exist in my mind
A place of war
And heartache
People and their wavering lies
I'm sorry that I told you of Someday
A place so perfect
That it will never exist
I'm sorry that if for a moment
I gave you the smallest glimmer of hope
That one day
You could find this Someday
And everything would be fine
That all is good in the this small world
That I'll just call Someday

Someone must understand
The way that my mind works
I am human after all
And writing for anyone to see
But quite a few folks
Look at me as if I had three heads on my shoulders
And I can't say I don't
Because that's just how my mind works
Someone must understand
Out of the 7.7 billion people on the face of the planet
Someone must know what it's like
To be trapped with three heads within one
Someone must understand
That the sky is falling when I finally come home
And I rest my head on my pillow
Pretend to sleep
In a restless daze
Someone must understand
Why it is I am this way

Someone said to me they didn't want me
I was far too harsh to be loved
Far too scared to be nice
Someone said to me
I wasn't capable of feeling love
I wasn't ever going to be relaxed

Someone said to me the reason people don't like me
Is because I'm far too strong
In will, in personality
To ever be wanted

They all started talking
Saying things that weren't true
Someone said they didn't want me
Because of the way I am

If there were poisons that you had to drink with every grudge
I would be beyond dead
If there were knives that stuck into your soul with every tear
I would be a human porcupine quills made of steel
If there was a bullet hole for every worthless love
I would look like a mushroom without spores
If there was something for everything
I would be nothing

I just want to tell you
That being destroyed
Emotionally torn limb from limb,
Is what I do best
So don't say I didn't warn you
When you fall down with me

He left her blue roses
To commemorate his love
Left her notes,
Telling her to notice him
When she didn't
People had to die
People who looked like the victim
Who deserved to survive
But not everything is perfect
When predators lurk in the night
He stalked her until her wounds had healed
Those three little marks
That she left on his brow
Marring him, molding him
Into the scar of a person
This stalker really is

She stood there
Wearing her gray garb
She looked at me
Almost wonder where you were
She didn't want to wear black
She didn't want to wear white
She has come to this place
Just enough times
To know that with it comes heartache
And pain
So on her wedding day
She decided not to wear white

bad weather will stop travel

but another rainy day in my head
and everything keeps going

i'm stuck standing in the middle of everything
like the whole world is moving

and i'm just here

still

where i was before
where i always will be

A fire lights inside me
At the sight of all these strangers
Who are the people that I know best
Though a time ago
This would have been fun
The fire burns inside of me
Like something I have never felt before
The embers char my skin
Leaving behind
The remnants of my mind
But there is no injury
Worse than the burning
Of my emotions
Leaving the strangers'
Amber glow
In the shadows
Of my own burning emotions

Suppressed
Into nothingness
Never allowed to be who I am
I just want some freedom
I don't care what it is
I want to dye my hair purple
And get a nice lip ring
I want gauges in my hears
And to get some more piercings
I want to get a tattoo
One that says, '*******'
I also what some help
To not feel so suppressed

I have never been myself
Even when I am around people I love
Because no one really likes me
Though I like to be myself, it's fun
All that I'm saying, is it's just a little dye
A little hole in my skin
That will go away when I'm done
Please oh please
Just let me be myself
I want to be different
I'm currently somebody else

I know you don't get body art
Or the fact that it's just as beautiful as a poem
I know that you wouldn't want to look at me
Even though I'm stuck in your home
All I'm asking
Is for you to allow me an identity
This person that I am right now
Is not the real me
I just want some help
To not feel so suppressed

I watch as fear takes hold on your face
The realization of what is to come
Something dark and twisted
Straight out of a science fiction novel
That something might be as bad
As it was on the news
Nothing so horrible
Worse than the words spilling from your lips

The emotion of the past
Starts to build up in your eyes
As I wonder how I am here
Writing about the fear that you feel
Looking into the distance
Knowing everything will be alright
As ash starts to fall from the sky
Another sign that problems will arise
Nothing has ever seemed so real
It was all just a twisted realty
Trust me I never meant to hurt anyone
The words of all the people who want to apologize
Before they are up to bat
To never really got to live long enough to last

I've been dead for a while now
my body holding the crumpled black tar
leaking from my heart
my mind hides secrets
I never wanted to keep
never even wanted to hear in the first place
all of the lies people told
and others thought they were all true
maybe they're what killed me
the ache in my head
that can hurt me far too much
is a constant cacophony
someone is relentlessly playing
on a rusted trumpet of the apocalypse
I hope you know how much you hurt me
when you walked out that door
I hope it hurts you
to not even look back

You left your mark
And inky black stream covering my heart
You pierce my skin with your needle
And let the ink run wild
As I ran away and found your tattoo
Right in front of my eyes
This tattooed love
Was not what I wanted
This inked mark
That makes me yours
Is a curse that will follow me
Wherever I go

I never wanted this tattooed love
That hurts me more than anything
A bullet hole would hurt less
But I worked hard for this
I thought that this was what I needed
But I guess....
I could be completely wrong

You keep telling me words
That I can't understand

Because my brain has checked out
I am no longer there

People keep talking to me
But I can't hear their voice

My head hurts
From all of this warbled noice

My heartbeat has slowed
I wanted to go to bed

But you are stopping me
From resting my weary head

Tell them that I'm deranged
Because girls are so sexualized
It's always, "don't get *****"
Never, "don't be a ******"
It's always telling you "get out of the relationship"
Rather than "don't be an abusive ****"
Tell them
That I am ******
That women are shamed in their own bodies
Because boys were never taught to be respectful
Tell them that boys ******* aren't censored
And girls' are
Even though they are a baby feeding sack of fat
That doesn't have anything to do
With a boys' learning
Other than the fact that he wouldn't be able to learn
If it weren't for his mother who fed him
And more importantly gave birth to him
Tell them I don't want their sexist
And their shaming
And the fact that girls are still tearing each other down
When we are supposed
To be fighting on a united front

So don't tell me that I'm overreacting
When that's all you have ever said
I want rights,
And I want my daughters to grow up with them!
So don't ignore me when I tell you
That for a very long time
Women have not had a right
to ANYTHING at all

A word that falls so easily from parted lips
Something that rarely anyone means,
But is always said
I wonder how you can lie there in you bed
And not think about all the things you've done

But we all say thanks
We all think that you're great
We walk around the halls to find ourselves blinded by love
For a guy we don't know
A guy who doesn't care
But now I've fallen into the trap of your beauty
You've glued me into your web

Now all I can say is thanks

Thank you for liking my poem
Thank you for saying that I'm good
Thanks for all you have done
When no one else has done anything for me before
Thanks
Is all I have to say

The counted down when I would find my soul mate
It told me I would find him
When I found him
But now I am with him
And he's been treating me pretty bad
And he'***** me more than once
Told me he was sorry
When everything was worse

But these punches were mental
And the pain was "all in my head"
But I knew that more was happening
Than anyone could know
Because this was abuse, and I knew it
I've been living away from home
Because when your home is your mind
And it's being hurt,
You have to move out

And that's what I did
This is where my clock lead me
Into the rabbit hole
And nothing has been the same since

The corona
The atmosphere around the sun
Beer that is done
Virus that has swept
Through the streets
Of poor little America
We now hold the records
Of people who have the infection
And glory is, all of our working class has gone!
Where are these people?
What have you done?
Oh, I remember.
You gave us corona.
The atmosphere around the sun
Beer that is done
Virus that has swept
Through the streets
Of poor little America

the difference between you
and worthless,
is a couple of letters and two shiny eyes.
an 'r' where the 'u' should be
and a beautiful smile.

the difference between the sky
and the end
is a vowel and a couple consonants.
a dark end where a brilliant blue would have been.

the difference
between the moon and the sun
is the heat and the travel.
one gets to close to the sun,
and a certain doom shall occur,
but the moon is traveled,
explored
much like you, and me.

we have seen many people
and many people have seen us
we have been called beautiful
and grand
and had assumptions made behind our back,
but you and I,
we aren't like the sun,
merely a reflection,
the difference between us and them
is a kind smile
and a lack of judgement

She told me that she wanted to die
She told me that she wanted to go away
She told me she held a gun to her head the other day
I wanted to help
To fix her problems
But I knew that I couldn't fix them
I just wanted her to feel better

I could tell about her to our school counselor
But what good would that do?
She would just hate me more
And give her one less reason to live

She told me she wanted to die
That she had held a silver gun to her head
That she sat in the corner wishing for death
Her mom had walked in
Saw the gun to her head
And I knew she would have done it

She told me she wanted to die
And now all she wants is to be alive

The image is to be a great poet
With amazing imagery

But sadly I can never live up to
That incredible dream

Because I am too tired
Laid out far too thin

So I just sit there like putty
On a house

But that house crumbles
Because they didn't let me live

I had a potential
A purpose

And they squandered it
Because they thought I would look best

When I was thin
And when I was small

I guess that's the image

I'm sorry if it disappoints you all

Maintaining control
is the stage where the predator
will do anything to keep his victim
a victim
He sits on the couch
With his arm slung over you
His breath is sour with alcohol
And cruelty
Knowing that he has power over you
There will be no changing the story
The story that contains
Both you and him
Is not your and his story
It is only his, and it will only ever be his
Because of him, you have been completely and utterly
Diminished

A blade of grass tickles your ankle
As a weeping willow branch whisps against your face
You see her standing there with the same pearly skin and white smile
You welcome her into your arms
Smell her blonde hair as it shines in the sun
Flowery vines hang from a place you cannot see

You come to visit her every so often
When you have time to spare
The light shines off her skin, so fare
The love you feel is out of this world

Suddenly she dissolves
A figment of your imagination
But so many other people come to see her
You wonder how you could possibly let her go
She is gone
But you keep her here
In a memory
Something sweeter than honey
Smoother than silk
And even more beautiful
Than any other meadow

The darkness wraps around me like a long lost cloak
The night is young, the night is old
I wandered the woods many a night
The tree bows gently touching my hair
They pat my head and tell me that everything is okay
The night is my escape of inescapable pain

The rain falls on the other side of the fence
More than you could possibly know
Flooding the attic
Rather than the basement below
The rain continues to poor
As you look on pretending not to know
As the wind picks up
And send the rain, and the person causing it
Running away
The rain falls on her pillow
With the curt words you said
Terms sharper than any blade
That scraped across her mind

I watch as your relationship festers
And grows old
When the wounds in her mind
Begin to rot
She starts changing herself
Into something she is not
The rain has bent her will to live
Marking her as someone you know
Leaving behind the trails
Making something that will show

Scars on her wrist
From your blunt words
Telling her how worthless she is
And how much she should let it end
I don't think that she could be helped
But she deserves your time
I wish you had known her
Before you called her yours

I don't want to live in a world
Where I am not comfortable
Sharing my information
Seeing people in public, as a potential threat
I don't want to live in a world
Where people take advantage of others
And just say that they were sorry
When everything is said and done
I don't want to live in a world
Where people judge you when you are yourself
And when you have finally changed, they tell you
That you were better before
I don't want to live in a world
Where people tell us who to be
Where nothing is safe
Where there are pandemics
And the stress of paying bills
I don't want to live in a world
Where there is absolutely no control
I don't want to live in a world
Where homes get taken away
And where veterans are on the streets
I don't want to live in a world
Where we have to section people
By race, class, gender, sexuality
If you want equality
We should all be the same
But we aren't and we should see that
I don't want to live in this world anymore

What is this feeling?
This anxiety about everything
Makes me feel so sick
I can't eat without regretting it
Without wanting to gag
I haven't slept eight collective hours
Within the last three days
I don't know what's happening to me
But I hate it
With all of me
I hate that I can't make it go away
Just by deep breathing and being mindful
That it keeps breaking into my thoughts
I keep trying to blame it on you
But I don't think it is
I think all of the years feelings
All of the ones I pushed aside so I could feel them later
I think they all chose now
To freak out
And make me hurt
And this beast the keeps producing the butterflies in my stomach
It isn't you or me,
It's just all of those things
That I didn't want in my life
Bringing me down

Tired
Drooping eyelids
Quivering lips
I fall asleep
Even though I'm in chains
My weary head rests on your lap
I assure you
That I am a sound sleeper
So if something happens I won't wake
Tears fall from my eyes
Dripping onto you jean-clad legs
I am sorry that I feel this way
People don't hold me close
The only human life forms
That have loved me
Were in my family
And even then barely
So sorry for crying
Even whilst I'm *'asleep'

Beauty must be everything
Plastic surgery
Pain
Everything
But I don't think that beauty is on the surface
Beauty isn't the perfect nose
And pretty (but shallow) eyes
Beauty isn't a "rockin'" body
And long blonde hair
Beauty is what you are
Who you make
With your body
What your soul is doing
With the body you were provided
Our body is just a shell
So that we can get around
Beauty isn't what you look like on the outside
Because I bet your mind doesn't picture you the same
As what your outside body claims

Time and time again
The ground is frozen
To my bare feet
Frostbite nips at my skin
Leaving purple marks
Where it once was pink
Time and time again
I have wandered
Into vast forests
To find solace in creatures unknown to man
Time and time again
They have supplied me with more support
Me more than anyone else in my life
Time and time again
I am let down
My own foolish childhood hopes
That life will be perfect
I will be loved
And everything will be easy
But I never saw any of these challenges coming
I never saw you step all over me
Time and time again

Sometimes
I will see a sharp thing
And ask myself
How I could smuggle it
To use on my skin
But then I remember that it's not okay
For me to do that
It's not okay
That I want to see blood flowing from my wounds
Just to embody
What is happening in my head
But I don't feel that kind of pain
And when a do
A sharp thing
Is no longer my escape

So I wonder why
I think so much about it
Too much about
I don't want to do that anymore
It has been romanticized way too much
To be broken and let some guy
Rescue you
I no longer find release in sharp things
Trust me

Tiredness is okay
Don't feel bad if you are tired at the end of a long day
Lay down in your cozy bed
Let the covers drown you in laziness
If you are tired rest
Because you deserve it

To be brave
Doesn't mean that you aren't scared
It means that you're terrified
And you've realized your fear
It doesn't mean that you have conquered it
In many of your brave battles
Fear still resides in your heart
Rowing without a paddle

To be brave
Isn't to be feared
It means that you can be pathetic
It means that you are scared
But bravery also means
That you have made up your mind
That you will tell your fears to just back off
Just for this short amount of time
Tell them to leave you alone
Because I have a stage to steal
Tonight, the world is all mine

To be brave
Really means that you were scared
And despite that fear
You did what needed to be done
To protect and save
The people that you loved
Even if this task might lead to death
You know at least
You tried to save someone.

To be freed
Is to feed
Lies to everyone
That walks this earth
And smiles when it rains
To be freed,
****, I'd rather feel pain
Freedom is a thing
Sure it is.
But as long as your living on this Earth
You might as well be in prison

To be freed
Yeah, right
We all have this greed
That will keep us from freedom
And this greed keeps us from the night
Where when we wake
Things will rejuvenate
But do any of us
Really believe in true revival,
When we have lost so many
To survival?
All I'm saying,
Is that the point of living
Is to survive
And not to live
This freedom isn't freedom
This "freedom" is jail

maybe i shouldn't break myself over a boy again
maybe i shouldn't weep over the loss of something i never actually had
maybe this guy is bad for me
and he'll break me in half,
but at this point i could care less
all i know is that this is what i'm feeling
and what i'm feeling hurts so much
like sticking your heart in burning water
and hoping that it will still keep you alive
it might be cynical,
but to me,
it's the only feeling that seems right

All of the deleted poems
All of the time I spent crying over the fact
That my poems weren't good enough
All the time that I felt helpless
Because I couldn't find a future in what I want to do
All of that time I wasted on hoping
That all of these words
And lines
Would be more than just a hobby
All of the incoherent mumbling in my head
Telling me what the next verse should be
All of it
But what's it to me?

Too perfect
Too lovely
Too willing to die
She let death kiss her lips
Without saying goodbye

She said that everything was just too much
Her life was too hard
Everything was too challenging
Even when it wasn't

Too hidden
Too unseen
Beauty underneath
That will remain her majesties

There is so much washing over me
Some good
Some bad
Some leaving scars all over my body
Like stretch marks clawing at my hips
There is too much there
My body has too much emotion
And not enough of anything else
My gasoline
Is now too much feeling
Like a phone getting hot when it had to much charge
Not explosion worthy
But **** close
There is just too
That's what I imagine
That's what I call this feeling
Too
Making more stretch marks
All around my head
A swelling and
And more scars around my heart
Clawing
As if what ever was hurting me
Was on the outside
It's just too
And that's all I know
Too much
Too little
Too bad
Too
Too much, then not enough
My breaths get deeper
Too deep
Seething, everything but my mind running my body
Too, that's all

Am I too strong
To need a person to lean on?
Am I too strong
For people to love me?
I am too strong?

What if I just need something
What if I just want to let it out?
Would you think that I was strange?
Would you think I am irregular,
That I need to man up
Just like I always do?

Am I too strong?
Do people not see that I am human
Like everyone else?
Why do people think
That I am strong
When in reality, I am not.

He had started using
When he was far too young
He was only a child then,
A child without love
His father had abandoned him
When really it was his mother
His father only left
Because he was being smothered

Later in the years,
He turned really bad
Getting on heavier hitting drugs
Until there was no pain to be had
He sulked and glowered,
Acted until he got his way
Now, he can't be numb
There is far too much pain

He hasn't come out of his room for months
He dropped 38 pounds
Because he wasn't loved
The boy now had a grey pallor
Sunken eyes
And a wilted smile
He has given up,
And he's is only 15
Too young to die

what she must think of me
and my incessant texting
all of that stupid talking of a boy we both know loves only her
we talk about how there might be a chance
with me and him
but i think that he is so completely lovesick
he'll never have eyes for another girl
especially not one this dismal
with little lines rubbed raw on my ribcage
from trying to break these infernal chains
and heartbeats that are so weak
let's not forget about that loud mouth that never gets me anywhere but trouble
so maybe it's foolish to say this
and post it publicly
but oh well
we both know he'll never love me