I trap my demons
Make them cower and bleed
In a cage that I made
Sometimes they fight back
Tell me of all the things I did in the past
All of the reasons that I'm
Never going to be good enough
But I pull out my blade
And start slashing away
If anything happened
To the trapper
I would be gone

The trapper sits in my mind
Watching me scream
As the friend
Becomes my enemy
He holds me still
With new found knowledge
And watches as I squirm
Holding me hostage
With his vile words

There was no ransom note
No call for money
Just the trapper
Alone with me
He watches as I twist
And writhe
With the words that spill from his lips
The fog around me
Starts to get thicker
As the words start to get worse
The trapper has kept me here
With his indescribable terms

Inhuman snares
Lie in wait
For my horrible person
And all of my suppressed emotions
Rage, and try to get free
But nothing is free
In the eyes of the trapper
And nothing
Ever will be

Being exposed to trauma
Made me feel invalid
There are more than one
Identities within this body
But I am a broken bowl
Each shard is unique
And which one is the original?
There isn't one
And I will never integrate
Into one person,
A person like you

My young brain was only trying
To protect me,
But it felt like it was trying to end me

There are trees made of forests
People made of communities
The tree takes their soul
***** them into their roots
Into their leaves
I have never had so much respect
For the simplistic pine needles

Somewhere in the world
There are trees made of forests
Leaves made of trees
Dogs made of cats
And people who will never look back
We are not backward
There is a little bit of bad in good
And there are trees made of forests

he gave me a cunning fox smile
and i lost it

that desperate art kid who writes poetry in the dark
the little one in the corner, that's me

he was this god.
gorgeous, and funny
chaotic like he was a trickster, and i loved it

and now i'm alone
and hoping to see them again

every single last part of me knows that i never will again
that our already small time together was dwindling
and soon they'd move onto something new

i'm just a little tired
that's all

a tiny bit delusional
nothing else

i wouldn't worry about me
not yet, at least

I've been told to trust time
Like somehow it would save me from the night
When my dreams threaten to eat me alive
Like festering rot
That continued to develop over trusted time

When I was told to trust in time
I took his advice
I truly thought that everything
Would simply be alright
But time started to devour my bones
Leaving me without a soul

I've been trusting time
For a while now
Waiting for it to save me
But maybe time
Is what was wrong with me to begin with

My march towards a place without time
Is growing increasingly fast
As I sit on my bed, I wonder
How long I will last

Eyes don't lie
They tell the truth
The eyes
Betray the lie
That comes from the betrayers
Truth

But some people
Will never know
The difference between truth
And lie
Some people will only know
What hides behind your cold glass filled eyes

The happiness I found
Is within the soft strokes
Of ukulele strings
The strangely melodic singing
The whistling in the background
The simple meanings that are so much more
The way each note resonates
Into the very next
In the ukulele
I found happiness

There is little reward for saying I told you so
Little feeling in saying I love you
So much hurt in saying I need you
So much longing in saying I want you
But I can't say it
I fear you and your words
Instead of getting closer to you
I start walking away
We got too close too fast
And now I feel lost in a sea so vast
No one could get me even if they asked

I back away from you
There is a hidden message in every move I make
A secret so big that you wouldn't be able to take it
Everything that happens is a warning
Something that you continue to blind yourself from
You pretend that I don't fear you
And I pretend that there's nothing I can do
Everything is a lie between us
Our life together is coming undone

my hair has started falling out,
and there's one too many canker sores in my mouth
my gums have started to climb back
revealing more and more of a yellow, throbbing tooth
i have dark circles under my eyes,
and my weight is no longer consistent
i'm tired
and can't stop crying
because this isn't just forgetting to shower anymore
this isn't just taking an extra long nap
because you're trying to avoid your problems
this is no longer a seasonal sadness,
i can see it on my face
and in my eyes

i was already half dead long ago
i guess my body just had enough waiting

Perhaps if the world stopped turning round
I wouldn't be wondering so hopelessly
Into the forsaken dirt of the ground
If you stopped hurting me so endlessly
But maybe it is just my twisted mind
The blanket covering me in the dark
When through the misery there is a rhyme
Of deep-rooted poetry that is art
And more through the misery, there is you
Fiding me in my poisonous palace
Maybe you shouldn't have wished me anew
And in this irony, I shall no bask
When you come to tell me what you've meant
Because all you ever were was hell sent

finally
i'm writing on a computer
sharing all of my woes
and tired mind
and everything
with a world of poets that could care less
that could scroll without liking
without even reading it
without leaving a like
because my writing isn't worth another worthless click
on a stupid computer
just another passerby
on this web of lies
that has completely consumed my life

Meaningless
It's a word I seem to use a lot
When thinking about my life
And all of the words that I have yet to write
Everything that I've said
Meaningless
All of the looks I get
And all of their smilings starting to fade
Maybe I am no longer the kind person
That I once thought I was
The person that I might have been
I don't help people anymore
Instead, I am just toxic
Leaching people out because
Isn't it all meaningless?

What is a hiaku
But a poem for nature and you
Tell me, illuminate

At some point, I am just going to explode
From feeling so much
Anger, sadness, happiness, joy
But also hate
I feel to ******* much
But then I am drained
And there is nothing more to feel
Don't talk to me
Don't come near me
I don't need you
I don't need your words of encouragement
I don't need any of your "wise" ideas
Back away
Because you don't even know where you step off

how would you know
how close to my heart these words are
how would you know
that i no longer care
about what is wrong
and what i want
how would you know
that i am no longer a good version of myself
how would you know?
you wouldn't

I always hated writing formats
Because if I wanted to be put into a format
I wouldn't be writing creatively
That's why I write freestyle

If anyone can understand the world of restrictions
It was me when I was a teen
I couldn't get away
And I hated it

Bu then poetry came along
And told me everything was okay
That there weren't rules
If I didn't want there to be any

But people started shoving formats in my face
Telling me that I should write this
But I didn't want to
So I didn't

I sat there on my computer,
And reveled in the fact that my freedom was in words
And that I didn't have to have rules
But even that was short-lived

Don't tell young artists
That they should do something different
Because you can't put a price on art
And you can't tell them what isn't art
And what is

if i told you all of the dark things
all of the pathological lies i've told
you wouldn't trust me any more
so when i tell you this
believe me
because it might be the only reliable thing i say
don't trust me
don't listen to me
and never think that the words i'm saying are real

it kills me when tears never spill
when that burning skin
starts to bother me
starts to feel like i should do something to tame it
it hurts
but i always stop
each time,
slightly more devoid of feeling
or at least the option to show it
maybe i shouldn't say sorry for the absence of feeling
maybe i should find a way to smile
but it's a lot easier to wallow
even if i know i shouldn't

it astonishes me that no one else feels this way
when it's so normal for me
to feel this waterfall of everything all around me
like rain, if there wasn't any air
falling to fast
and all at once
like a sheet of sadness
it makes me happy that no one else feels it
but also a tad crazy
to know that other people do actually cry when they're sad
not just a few drops
when they explode

I'm in a land where the skies are dark in summer
And the walls are painted black
You are told to go to this world and never to turn back
You look up to the sky to find the sun has been painted red
And wake up to find yourself resting in your bed

You've made your bed of hopes and fears
Never to return
To that awful place of dread and tears
Yet still you yearn
For the days when you could find yourself
Within that black hole called sleep
And to feel the ebbing
And let yourself be engulfed into the eternal sea of dreams

it's not even that deep poetic black inside me anymore
it's just murky brown

i've been trudging through a swamp of feelings
none of them good

and now my heart is murkier than the water
i've been walking through for so long

you get bored and change the subject
find something you find fascinating
and throw it at us
just to spice it up
but i'm done with your self-inflicted plot twists
done with the manipulation
i wasn't done talking
wasn't done telling you how i hurt
but that's fine
lets talk about something different
please
by all means

"I'm not trying to play the victim,"
she said to her mother.
"I know, you never have." her mother said back
But my question is
Why didn't she play a victim
When we needed it
Why didn't she play the victim
When we couldn't pay the rent?
Why didn't she play the victim
When we couldn't get out of the lease?
Why didn't she play the victim
All those times
When we need her
To play the role?

i don't know what i want from you
i don't know if my mind is strong enough to know
i guess i'll always be stuck in that permanent place
somewhere between hurting and feeling loved
something like i want to feel your hands brush my hair from my face
and wanting to cry into your shoulder from all of this pain
all of the confusion
maybe someday i'll understand what it is to feel
all i know right now
is that this feeling,
it isn't anything at all
bur a blur of nothing and somethings
like a painting that i completely messed up
and i hate that feeling so much

maybe there's something wrong
with the way i miss you
by the feelings in my heart
and maybe there's something wrong with the way
i feel nothing
when i should feel so much
when i feel something other than this nothingness
that lurks like a monster in my chest
this out-of-place feeling
that haunts me in my head
hopefully
it doesn't keep going on like this

maybe i should write about something they don't know about that much,
write about something that hurts me just the same
write about all of the pain i feel
when they tell me they understand
that someone finally knows about this body ruled by poor decisions and make shift tears
and feeling strange when another person looks at them
that wondering feeling
'will they ever understand me'
and crying when they do
that's what hurts most
is when they say they know how it feels
and they don't care that i feel that way
they still love me just the same
that, right there, is my breaking point

I can understand
That it might be strange
To write of green eyes and their depth
When really I know nothing of it
I was lost in golden eyes
And pretty smiles
Admiring your face when you didn't notice
I never really saw, did I?
Kind of ironic

it's a lonely feeling
here with all of these people
none of them talking to me
none of them noticing me
all i am is nothing
here with all of these people
none watching as the tears fall from my eyes
none of them caring
as i worry away about things that i shouldn't care about
it's lonely here and it hurts
i wish it didn't
otherwise, it's not so bad
all of these people not bothered by me
it's not bad at all

I've been wanting something good
For all of my life
I have been alone
Running on pride
Men don't see me as vulnerable
Because no matter what
I'll keep my head high
I've been wanting something good all my life

People never know me very well
They don't know that I am
This spikey, visibly bristling person
Because I have been hurt
I have been told things that no person should hear
And I am expected to live
Just like everyone else
I've been wanting something good
For far to long
I should learn that it will never happen

Warm skin
Irregular heart beat
That's the trouble with smart watches,
Isn't it?
But I've been deprived of touch
For so so long
You feel...
Electric
Like all of your body is coursing with static
Each time we touch, a shock
Someday, your fingers will graze my forehead
When you sweep hair out of my eyes
And I'll smile, so will you
Then you'll shock me again
I've been away from warmth so long
That yours
Feels like standing next to the sun

In all honesty
I don't know what I want
I want for death and to be all the things that I'm not
but if I am then all the things that I'm not now
and I still wish that I was something else...
what do I really want?
and how do I keep the idea long enough to hold it down?
the truth is...I don't

what if i told you one of my teachers
told me that men wouldn't love me
if i didn't stop biting my nails
or that if i kept my hair short,
people would think that i was a boy
and that i should continue to care what they think
over what you like
what you want to do.

now what if i told you i was five when my teacher told me that?
what if i told you i was a child
when i was told i was undesirable to the opposite ***

what if i told you
that today in class
we had an argument about basic human rights
that we were arguing about how people who weren't white
or cis
or straight were less than human
and the people that defended them
the people who said that they were people
were called "the blue hair girls"
and criticized
and told that they were bullying
the teen boys who were being small-minded
simply for trying to explain to them how they're humanity
and how it's okay

what if i told you that i was told i would never make it
that my dreams weren't reachable
and that i should lower my standard
to be accepted
and when i pushed back,
they told me that i was a *****.
i didn't argue,
because i still believe them.

what if i told you that fathers could steal their daughter's virginity
and still be notified that she was getting rid of the baby
that he placed inside of her
that he still got a say in where it went
and if she could actually get an abortion

what if i told you
that people thought it was okay
to be cruel and god awful
and say that it's all because of what the bible says
because jesus said that it was wrong
that people got away with years and generations of sexism
and racism
and homophobia
just because they thought the bible told them that it was wrong.

what if i told you i wanted out of this world
what would you do?
would you even care?
i don't think that you would.
you would move on
thinking that it would be weird
if you tried to offer your help.

what if i told you it wasn't?

Let's just say...
That someday we figured it out
We figured out what it all means
Why we are actually all here
Wouldn't it be a slap in the face
If we just figured out
That we were here for nothing
That all of this struggling
And one-sided love
And hatred
Was for nothing
That we were never supposed to learn anything
Never supposed to figure out who we are
Or help other people that we loved
Wouldn't you be taken aback
That we were here
For nothing at all?
That all those beliefs you had about yourself
And about the world
They were never real
And I know that I'm just rambling
But I don't care
What would you think of it
If we found out we meant nothing at all?

What is weird?
Is it when a girl decides to get a buzz cut
Or when a boy wants to wear long hair?
Is weird when we stop creating rules
That keep the harsh gender barriers alive
What is weird?
Is it when your son comes home
And tells you he found a guy that he loves
Or is it when your daughter tells you
That she loves a girl?
What is weird?
Is it when a person dyes their hair,
And shaves it into a mohawk?
Is it when a person wears spiked clothing
That is a defense from society's hard fists?
Is weird when a four-year-old child is worried about a job
Because they have seen what it has done to adults?
Is it weird when children hide their feelings
Because of hate from other students
Or is it weird
When students are terrified to go to school
Because we are afraid of it being shot up?
Is it weird when people are afraid to go out
Because people are getting shot at concerts
And getting bombed at their place of worship?
Or is it weird that we don't cry anymore
When we go to sleep at night
Because when we were growing up
We were desensitized
To war
And violence
And people who never accept
That we are people
Whether you lean right or left!
We are people
Whether you like the same ***
Or nobody at all,
Because in the end
We are all people!

Who am I to say
That this *****
That I am lost on a road
Destined to not come back

Who am I to say
That life isn't fair
And that I am just a victim
And everything is worthless
Including me

Who am I to say
That nothing is quite right
In this world of wrongs
That keeps spinning for no reason at all

Tell me that I am crazy
Just like you tell everyone else
You didn't understand
Just like you tell me
When you know that I am right

But who am it to say
That I'm right
Who am I to say
That this is the right
That I am not okay

Who am I to say
What I already know

Have I just hit a demographic
That thinks something is what it's not?

I'm tired if getting your likes
Your loves, your haves and have-nots

I didn't write it in the way that you think
I didn't mean to say those things

Why do you like it?
My mediocre poem?

Is it because it means self destruction?
And you like it as so?

I'm sorry that I don't understand
Why you like my poem

When there was nothing to like
About what I wrote

Why not be blamed
For something I did not do?
A crime is not a crime
Unless it has been committed
But this my friends,
It was an accident,
And I am afraid I did not do it

Why not be blamed
For a victimless crime
When it happened right before my eyes
We take the time and time again
And it starts to get real
The happenings begin

Why not be a motherless child
In a world that makes that okay
I am a victim of a crime
A crime that can't be faked

Why not leave
Mother dearest
When I need you most
To work my way through this
I'm starting to hear voices in my head
Help me, mother,
I just want this to end
I am not crazy
The voices haven't pushed me over the edge
Find me, mother
Even though I know you're dead

Once I was asked
Why men called boats

And cars

And other worldly possessions
Shes and I realised it was because

It was something they owned
And that is what we are

Something to own
Not anymore

Owning a human just isn't right
Nor is it right

To be a human that is allowed
To be owned

And demeaned

Until that person is nothing

Why she?

I'm sorry

No meaning
So many words
Trying to get more numbers
More people reading
I want people to see
What is really happening
To me
I want people to see that I am a person
A human being
I want people to see
That I am here, even if I feel like I am not
I want people to read my passion
I want them to read what I worked on
Every night
For my young life
I want people to see what they did to me

Without a title
Is not without meaning
So don't judge people of their title
Or lack thereof
Without a title
Is just not letting you know
What is hidden within
It's better that way
More mysterious

The words mean nothing
As I try to fill my writing full of emotion
And nothing can lift me up
Let alone drag me down
There is nothing I can do
To describe the meaningless words
But write down some more
Nothing has any meaning
Not a single word

It hurts me to say
To bring myself to this grim truth
But it hurts me to be here sitting next to you
My meaningless words
Are not just on paper
But the garbled speech coming out of my mouth
And I couldn't say anything to you
Nothing at all
But I was hoping to say just one thing
I'm sorry for my meaningless words
I'm sorry for everything I've done
I wish that I never done anything at all

I have looked upon everything
Without really seeing
And I have gone throughout life
Without really being
Not much has made sense
Let alone been easy
But I have continued on
Looking without ever seeing

Maybe life is better this way
I don't have see what has been done
I don't have to listen to depressing stories
I don't have to watch the news
And pray every night
Hoping these people find some kind of savior
But maybe if I looked without seeing
Heard without listening
Life would be better

The silvery light bouncing off the water traps me in its low-lit love
I'm tired of standing here
Light-headed with an empty heart
Buckling under the pressure of my ache
I don't know why I ache, can't find a reason, really
I've been trapped in your silvery light
For all of this time
But it turned less into love
And more into fondness
And all that was there retreating
Decrepit feelings
Weak with age
Until I start to lose everything
It starts feeling like there was nothing there to begin with
Like all of a sudden
I'm up here
And you're gone
And all the steps we built
Have disappeared
And I'm falling
Like Wylie Coyote off a cliff
In that stupid show
Then I get it
He spent all that time
Building all those steps
Then he falls
Into nothing
No wonder he's angry

Sometimes when you’re around me
It hurts to breath
I sit here and wonder how the hell you can’t see it
My everlasting love that feels more like anguish
But I can’t back away
I can’t seem to see the truth
Even though sometimes I would tell my friends about you
But somehow, even if I didn’t feel it I knew
I knew that you were bad, and you were no good
And that you would never fall in love with me
Even if you could
But I still did
I let this small school girl crush consume me
People don’t see it, at least they don’t want to
But I wonder how blind they are
When I can see how much you love her
And how much she loves you

Soft high voice
Embodiment of childish I
He reminds me of when I was happy
That's why I like him
He reminds me if young innocence
That was so long ago lost

you know,
i have this pen
that i borrowed from somebody,
i don't even remember who it was,
but i kept it,
i still have it,
because i knew that's the pen that you liked
that exact brand,
the same model,
the same ink,
i couldn't get rid of it,
even after the ink ran out,
i kept this stupid meaningless pen,
the one without purpose,
just like i kept these feelings,
i'll keep holding onto them for you
in case you come back
and you need them
like you'd need your favorite pen

here i am
attempting to use your favorite pen again
even though i know the ink is gone

i tried finding love, the kind that came from you
even though i knew the well
had long since run dry

i suppose i should've learned my lesson by now
but i also know that it's too late
i'll just run back to see
if maybe the pen has magically
gotten new ink

then back to the well
as if it could be full
even if the pen was completely dry