I frequently spend my hard-earned time wondering why I’m so ****** up
You, with your flop of hair that bounces about so jauntily as you hop down the stairs,
Look at me
And that look is so purposefully intense, like you thought to yourself,
I’ll look at her so she sees that I have been looking at her seriously and then she’ll know that I must mean something by looking at her
I would really like you to stop looking at me now.

You never used to look at me like you wanted me to look at you looking at me.
You, thin, so thin, thinner than me, leaning towards me asking if I wanted to hang out again sometime.
I grab my phone and begin to accidentally dial the pizza delivery in order to escape you, clicking it off just in time to not order an extra large calzone and shove it down your skinny throat

I’m sorry I said that. I don’t want to be cruel. Can you just not text me for a little while?
You, with your excellent, **** self-portraits, all designer-y and brooding, your brow furrowed over soft brown eyes.
You look ridiculous. You don’t look like that in everyday life,
stop telling people online that you do.
And don’t tell me I look pretty in mine- I was trying to look weird, and I put a lot of effort into it, and I don’t appreciate you constantly acting like I’m beautiful.

I really didn’t mean to mess with your head that night I shoved you against your front door and kissed you like I meant it.
You, with your excited breath, like the fates had finally graced your doormat, you tasted like pretzels.  Sweet, salty.  
I tasted like cheap beer and doubt.
We linked for a while, your hips pressed to mine like an iron to a shirt, gently, trying not to burn me.
You were getting your fill, but I was still taste testing.

I bet you can’t forget that time that you drove me home, both sober, and you manned-up and leaned in and kissed me. I still didn’t know if you turned me on, but it was nice to be kissed, to put these lips to work, so I kissed back.
You, I bet you can’t forget that I stopped mid-kiss and awkwardly found the door handle, pushing it slightly open, saying,
‘Oh my god, I’ll never get over how weird this is, you’re…. You’re you,” strangely, sounding choked, laughing a bit.
You laughed back- it was the most offended laugh I ever heard, and laughing is our business.
I leaned back in to kiss you again, mostly out of guilt and to reassure you that I was still unsure of how assured I felt about where this has ended up going.

So basically, I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry in advance for breaking your heart.
You, with your earnest emotions and serious glance, really don’t deserve this dysfunction.

And I, I with my reluctance to change, to obligation, to showing myself to you…
I will probably be alone forever.

What once was strong
Now exists only as rubble.

Crumbling ruins turn to rock,
Turn to dust,
Turn to bones.

Only there do you remain close.
A breath away from lost,
A fading memory that holds me together;

Makes me human,
Makes me hurt.

You make me laugh,
And smile,
And feel like someone
Worth the effort,
Every single day.
You dazzle me with your wit,
And soothe me with your touch,
I don't know how I can make you understand
How much you do for me.
I never can repay your love,
And it scares me,
Because I honestly don't know what you see in me.
I have nothing to offer,
And you give me everything.
You fulfill all my wishes,
And I mess up yours.
I only wish I could be the person you deserve.

You make me yearn,
for things untouchable.
You make me learn,
lessons invaluable, unforgettable.
You make me turn,
around and face up to fear and anxiety.
You make me burn,
for your touch, for your skin.
You make me earn,
everything and it's all for nothing.
You make me return,
to all those feelings lost in the fire of the past.
You make me spurn,
all trivial "lovers" that mean so little.

Was I supposed to dream for you lover?
I've forgotten the things I once thought I knew.
Those moments we shared under covers,
When the skies were clear and our heart's were true.
Perhaps I sung you too many love songs.
Perhaps you didn't prefer my tune.
Perhaps I lost my memory in February,
Unprepared for your arrival in June.
My soul cried out to you then,
Now my soul weeps for me.
My eyes have dried and left tear stains,
Saline's plastered on my cheeks.
Excuse my wince dear lover.
Winter came and went.
When spring sprang I sprung from your covers,
And my heart hasn't looked back since.
I may have forgotten the things I thought I once knew,
Like how you held me til I was ensconced in your scent.
But the pain you've caused dear lover,
I can't help but not forget.

If I could find a smile,
I'd find it deep within you.

If I could hear a laugh,
I'd make you giggle so true.

If I could feel the love,
I'd give it back but more.

If I could unbreak my heart,
these tears wouldn't be so sore.

If I could have a chance,
I'd turn your life around.

If I could turn back time,
I'd save you from the ground.

R.I.P. Big brother. I miss you.

I saw the downfall
Of a leaf today --

A sad sight
To have seen
On a day so bright
And green.

There was no wind
No breeze to set the stage.

The little leaf
All red and brown,
Just let go
And fluttered down.

                               All alone it
                               Fell and lay.
                              All alone on
                              Its last day...

I didn't fall in love
I grew in it
like the rose
that clings
to a trellis

at high noon
at a small college near the beach
sober
the sweat running down my arms
a spot of sweat on the table
I flatten it with my finger
blood money blood money
my god they must think I love this like the others
but it's for bread and beer and rent
blood money
I'm tense lousy feel bad
poor people I'm failing I'm failing
a woman gets up
walks out
slams the door
a ***** poem
somebody told me not to read ***** poems
here
it's too late.
my eyes can't see some lines
I read it
out-
desperate trembling
lousy
they can't hear my voice
and I say,
I quit, that's it, I'm
finished.
and later in my room
there's scotch and beer:
the blood of a coward.
this then
will be my destiny:
scrabbling for pennies in tiny dark halls
reading poems I have long since beome tired
of.
and I used to think
that men who drove buses
or cleaned out latrines
or murdered men in alleys were
fools.

The way your eyes are

They coax me into your grasp

I can't help myself