You can smile and laugh
You can have fun with friends
Have good and even great days
But nobody will know how truly happy you are
Unless they're there every night as you cry yourself to sleep

I wish I could forget this feeling I have permanently engraved in my brain. But unfortunately I don't think it's ever going to go away. I just wish it would begin to fade. I'm so tired of always having to fight to be okay.

So much has happened.
I'm slowly starting to lose my mind.
My heart is shattered.
I don't feel depressed
Pessimistic
******
Mad
Sad
Or anything like that.
I feel dead
I feel gone.
I'm not lost anymore.
I know who I am.
But I'm gone.
I'm 1000 miles from everything I care about.
I have nothing to try for currently.
It takes all my energy to wake up.
Or eat.
Or just speak!
Ive lost everything for now.
And I'm tired of fighting to get it all back.
Over and over again.
I just want to go home...
Before I completely die inside

I have so much worry coursing through me.
Worry on how you'll react if it's true.
Worry on how the situation will play out.
Worry on how to tell you if its true.
Especially since you aren't talking to me currently.
And the last thing I want to do is impact your decisions with this.
So tell me how do I handle this.
How do I handle it if it is true.

How do you go from I love you's
To being just friends again

Somedays I'm happy.
Some days I'm not.
Some days I smile with that light in my eyes.
Others I spend it crying my eyes out.
But either or...
I've come so far because,.
I never use to smile or cry.
I use to be a shell.
So yes, some days all I want to do is die.
But that's okay.
Because some days I still smile.

I'd rather have you **** me now
Than the torture of life mentally break me down.
So deeply broken.
I would rather just disappear

All I had last night were nightmares
Every time I close my eyes I want to scream.
I see cars crashing.
Guns firing.
People running, screaming, and fighting.
A continuous blur of my many dreams last night.
But most of all I see the worst nightmare out of them all.
You leaving.
You leaving me, and I knowing you're not coming back.
And even though I know none of this will ever come true.
Every time I close my eyes today...
It's all I can see.

Everytime you leave my side it feels as though I am dying inside

I made it.
I did it.
I'm so proud.
So happy.
So at peace in this moment
Because I did it.
I made it a year sober.
I made it over a year sober.
I never want to go back!
D.O.S 12/9/13 <3

It's been a few days shy of a year sober.
Yet I'm dying right now to feel that burn on my throat.
It's been a month shy of a year clean.
Yet I'm dying to feel that blade slicing my skin.
It's almost been a year.
And what an amazing and happy year it's been.
Yet right now...
I can't see it.
I feel numb.
And I don't care about any of it.
I just want everything to disappear.
Because if you won't let me be with the love of my life.
If you are going to take me away from him yet again.
I don't want to feel anything.
Not unless he's there with me.

I feel broken again.
I'm crashing and crashing...
And I can't stop.
I have people who love and care about me.
Yet, I always feel alone.
Like I have no one to listen.
To hold me as I cry.
I'm just stuck by myself.
As my brain corrupts.
And my heart feels cracked.
I just pray to make it through.
Pray to not break all the way.
That some how...
I will get through!
And I won't feel as broken.
As crushed.
As I do right now

I may be scared out of my mind. But I know in my heart that I'll always have you. So it doesn't matter what my mind says. Because I'll always be okay when you're at my side.

Just look over there.
At that little girl.
The one who pretends to be strong,
But is actually cowering inside.
I saw her come out to play the other day.
She sat there.
On the side of the road.
With no breathe in her lungs
And tears streaming down her face.
Look of pure fear in her eyes.
She always acts tough.
Yet there she was.
Showing who she really is,
She's just a scared little girl.
Desperate to be okay again.
For her world to be okay again.

People come.
People go.
But it's the people that leave...
That never leave your mind.
They're the ones who haunt your mind,
Crush your heart,
And leave you feeling empty.
The people who stay help you mend.
But once one of them leave also...
All that pain comes back 10x stronger
And 10x stronger than that for the next.
Until you constantly just feel empty and alone.
Even when surrounded by ones you love.
You always just feel alone.
People come.
People go.
But that doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

There's so much fear building up inside of me
So much regret and so much sorrow.
I've been through hell and back.
I've seen darker things than most can comprehend.
I've spent days crying.
Nights drinking.
Hidden moments cutting.
All things I used to hide.
Hide from the past.
From the emotional torments I still hold.
The memories I run from.
Memories of my uncle yelling.
Memories of the loneliness,
Of the darkness inside of my mind.

And then there's now....
Now I sit here facing my fears.
Facing the past and all that has occurred.
Remembering instead of hiding.
Sober instead of drunk.
Writing instead of cutting.
I've gone through hell and back to change.
To be the person I want to be.
Not the person I used to hide.

And now...
I am so scared
Scared to go back to my life.
To be the person I am now.
In the world that drug me down.
But here I am facing my fears...

Sometimes I forget that poetry saved my life.
If I hadn't had found it,
And been drawn in how I was.
I wouldn't have had a way to feel back then.
Back before I learned what feeling was like again.
All my thoughts and emotions would have gone unspoken.
Which would have caused me even deeper depression.
Even deeper hiding.
I truly doubt I could have ever re-found my self.
Without poetry coming in.
Without it saving my life.

I'm not okay, but that's okay.
And I can't stop crying but atleast I'm feeling.
I may be sad and feeling lonely.
All I want is somebody to hold me.
But I still know no matter what...
I'll be okay.

I have all these memories swarming through my head.
And for once I'm smiling through it.
As the thoughts remind me of the good times of the past.
And instead of laying in sorrow.
Resenting the fact it is ending.
I'm enjoying the fact it occurred

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to think.
All these words in my head I don't know how to speak
I'm sick
****** up in the head
All I want to do is cry and laugh and scream and all these other things

I can't handle it anymore
I'm at the verge of breaking
And I don't know what to do
I'm going insane

The worlds crashing
And the people are crying
As the days get worse
And the nights get shorter
Thoughts suffocating the hope
And pain filling your heart
Stressed out
Depressed out
The world becomes darker with each day

I don't know who you are right now
And it's breaking my heart
Because all I want to know...
Is where did you go?

I wanna go on a date
To somewhere with no location
Just a car full of gas
And a handful of cash
Just see where the road leads us
What adventures we find along the way
With your hand in mine
The music blaring
Spending the entire day by your side
Smiling and laughing the time away
That sounds like the perfect day to me

My headaches gone
But my heart still aches
I've slept off a lot of the pain
But there's a lot still left
My heartache over being so far away
It's killing me
Driving me insane
You're all I need to get through the day
You're all I need to fall asleep at night
And yet it doesn't work that way
Not yet atleast
Because you're so far away from me
It's my mistakes that made this distance between us
I know it's ******* you also
But baby if I don't go home soon
This is gonna **** me inside

I miss you
I miss sitting in the passenger seat of your car while you drove and held my hand
I miss running around my room joking around with you
I miss being curled up with you
I miss kissing you
I miss make stupid faces with you
I miss just walking around and making random noises
I miss you
I miss the feel of your arms around me
I miss the way your eyes dilate while turning a deep green everytime we kiss
I miss the way you look at me
And even more the way you react to how I look at you
I miss your smile
And making you smile again and again
I miss it all
I miss just sitting there next you
I miss waking up and immediately seeing you
I miss you so ******* much
These days **** being so far from you
But I know they'll end soon
But for now
I just miss you
And that's all I can ever think
Is how much these next few weeks will ****.
Being so far from you

Can I go back now.
I was happy there
The place I love and know
The place I call my home
But here I am
1000 miles away
Stuck
Stuck doing the same things day by day
So can I go home now
And return my smile back to it's proper place
Will you allow this to occur
Or just continue to torture me forever more

I didn't expect to fall in love with you.
Yet here I am madly inlove.
And falling more and more each day,
Falling for your smile.
Your awkwardness
How dorky you can be.
Falling inlove with the feel of your arms around me.
I espically never thought I could fall for you even more than I have.
But here we are
With me falling even more every day I spend with you.
I love you more than I thought possible.
And it's a love I know will never end.
Never fade away.
Just grow until we believe it can't grow anymore.
Yet watch as it still will continue to do so.

I've always thought about love
What type of person I'll fall for
What they'll look like
How love will feel
But then the second I realized I had fallen for you
All of my thoughts on love changed
You redefined my definition of love
You make me spin
And you make my heart forever race
None of this is how I ever thought
But I'm okay with that because...
Its even better

As the petals start to fall
And the daylight begins to fade away
Just know my love for you will never go

I sit here silently
With only the thought of you on my mind
As a smile appears on my face
And my heart starts racing
I begin to get severe butterflies
Your voice and laugh playing in my mind
I feel at such ease
You're my everything
You're my bestfriend
I've never been this in love
To lose you would to be to lose the other half of me
But I have this feeling deep down
That you'll be around for the rest of my life
I mean...
Bestfriend means forever and always right?

I'm falling for him...
For my bestfriend,
Who lives 1000 miles away.
I don't know what to do
It's all to soon!
But I can't help it.
All I want is to talk to him,
All I do is smile when I do!
But there's so many complications.
The timings all just wrong.
We live 1000 miles away.
There's no way to make this work.
So I'm just left sitting here falling harder with every word
Knowing there's nothing I can do to make this happen,
But just hope someday the timing will be right

I miss what use to be
The life I once had and all the good that came with it
I miss my bestfriends
All the memories we have made
I miss it all
All the nights we spent piled in a room together
Laughing and talking
With one talking till five in the morning and not letting any of us sleep
All the inside jokes we have made
All the stories we could tell
2013 was difficult
And filled with drama
But it was the best year non the less
With hundreds of good memories
And thousands of times laughing
And as I lay here
Knowing all of that rests in the past
I have but one thought
Just take me back

Leave me alone
Doesn't mean leave me alone
It means hold me as tight as you can and never let go
Go away
Doesn't mean go away
It means prove to me that you want to stay
Because truthfully
It's like I'm dying when you leave me alone
So please
Pretty please, promise me
Promise you're never going to leave

I miss you my bestfriend
This break isn't easy
But it's what needs to be done
I just hope someday...
We can go back
Back to how it use to be
Without the drama
Without all the emotions and pain
I really miss you
No matter how unhealthy you are for me
You're my bestfriend
I love you
No matter that you're a fool
Hearing your voice can brighten my whole day
I miss it my bestfriend
I miss you

Where do I go when I have no where to run
Where do I go when the world is collapsing from the inside
When reality is tearing to pieces
Where do I run when I need a place to hide and I'm dying inside
Now that my place of safety has gone away
My one place of freedom
Where I can be who I am
Where do I run now that my world is gone

Leave me alone and I just might break
Set me free and I'll run like the wind
Torture me and I'll come out stronger
Love me and I'll never leave your side

Im on the edge of breaking..
Of going off the deep end
I just wish somebody could see that
See how miserable I am inside
How close I am to breaking
To shattering to thousands of pieces
It seems like the slightest thing will destroy the last shred of hope left in me
It seems like the slightest thing anyone says to me is going to shatter what's left of me

All I want to do is run away
Run back to the time of ease
When the world was bright and beautiful to me
When everything was full of hope and possibility
I never expected it to be this hard
That all these sacrifices would have to be made
Its driving me insane
I feel so hopeless
It's like the world has lost its worth
And I'm just left sitting here...
Scared out of my mind
With one thought running through my head
I just want to run away

How do you keep going through existence when your life is caving in
How do you go through the day when the pain is to much to bear
How do you keep smiling that
smile when your empty inside
How do I survive this nightmare I'm living when all want to do is run and hide  
How do you act like your not internally dying when the worlds gone upside down
How do you live when nothing to you matters
How can you be happy when everything has disappeared
How do I care about whether I live or die

These thoughts swirling through my mind, are slowly killing me inside.
These torturous and endless questions
Of whats right, and whats wrong
They slam through my brain
And are like a blade to my heart
Constantly opening wound after wound
Creating new, extending old
Till I feel empty
Where it feels like there's nothing left to me
But emptiness and sorrow

Help me break free from this torturous world.
Hold me as I cry for days at a time.
Keep me laughing when all I want to do is die.
Help me escape from my brutal mind.
Keep me awake when all I want is to disappear.
Save me from myself as I slowly force myself away.
Most of all...
Promise me, to care about me enough for us both.
Till the end of eternity.

How do you say goodbye to those you love?
How do you tell the people who have always been there...
that continuing to talk to them, is unhealthy for you?
How do you say goodbye to your entire world?
How do you just leave it all behind?
Will somebody please tell me how!
Before the question kills me inside...

Take me away to the place of lost dreams
To the place of the broken
Where the wild runs free
Take me to the place where adventures are constant
To the place where love never dies
And rules are always broken
Let me run around without a single thought in the world
Where nothing can stop me in my path
So I can break free from the reality that is always torturing me

Irrational fear builds up inside of me
I start to mentally scream
As I begin to take shallow breaths
Panic stricken I fall to the ground
Letting the coolness of the tile calm me
I let out a shaking sob
Laying there I start to pray
Pray for the power to get through
The ablity to let go
To give him all my power
I sit up and take a deep breathe
Meditating until I'm able to continue on for the day.
Thankful I have a way to curb the mental breaks
Glad to have such a connection again

Holding back the tears,
I sit here shaking.
I take a deep breathe,
Holding back a sob.
My heart shattering,
As I yet again drive away from the only home I've ever known.
Leaving everything behind.
My friends,
My parents,
My aunts and uncles,
My cousins,
All the memories that this place holds.
I can't stand being away from this place.
Even though I spent years hating it here.
This is my home.
I know this town like the back of my hand.
Yet, I'm being forced to live 1,000 miles away.
I come back once a month,
But only for a weekend.
Never more.
It's not long enough though.
I never get to see all the people I want,
Or spend a great amount of time with those I do.
As hard as being home is,
As hard as all the temptation is,
And the cravings I get to throw away sobriety,
Being away from that place...
Kills me just as much,
If not more.
I'm homesick
And slowly going crazy from it.

Can't breathe
So many butterflies I feel sick
Heart pounding
Is it just me or am I falling again
It's a weird sensation
I've only ever had for one other
But it's happening again
For some reason I just have a draw to this kid

Open windows
Fast cars
Loud music
Lots of screaming
Always dancing
This is the life to live

I sit here silently
Letting the chatter of voices carry on
The tension growing inside me
As I sit here awkwardly
Sit here on my phone
I hate feeling this way
Out of place
Somewhere were every one knows each other
But nobody knows me
So they sit there talking
While I have nothing to say
The awkwardness is to much to handle
As I silently scream inside.

Seeing you in pain kills me inside
As you thrash around your bed
Screaming out in pain
Screaming out my name
As the nightmare continues to go on in your head
I just wish there was some way I could help
Because
Seeing you in pain kills me inside