I dreamt of you again
And it's killing me inside

I think,
And I hope its not true.
I think,
I like him...
My bestfriend

Your mouth pressed against mine.
Our bodys complexly intertwined
As our hands scarcely explore the uncharted territory of each other
The ****** desire filling one anothers eyes
As we slowly start losing clothing,
And the rest of the world completely fades away,
With only each other on our minds.
My breathing becomes heavier
I can feel your heart beat against my bare skin,
It's fluttering just as fast as mine.
As we slowly become one.
Like puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together

I feel empty
Nothing else
Just solely and completely
Empty

I spent so long on my own that I got use to nobody being there.

Now it freaks me out when people are there...**

Yet, everybody is still never there when I truly need them.

They say to be happy.
Things will get better.
Just try harder.
They tell you to stop.
Stop cutting.
Stop drinking.
Stop being sad.
They tell you to just get over it.
To just smile.
That you'll be okay.
Little do they know,
It's not that simple...

That laugh.
That smile.
That guy!
Who makes your heart melt.
With those eyes.
That personality.
That love that shines.
The funny one.
Who makes your eyes light up,
And makes you go weak at the knees.
The one you fall in love with without realizing.
The one who takes your breathe away.
He's just that guy!
He's the one you want to grow old with..

Tears streaming down my face
The pain in my chest more than I can bear
As the addiction tries to get a tighter hold of me
It becomes even harder to resist
The alcohol
The cutting
Everything
I feel empty on the inside
It's like I'm in a pitch black room
There's a lot of bright furniture and it is very colorful
But you can't see any of it
That's what the depression does
I have positive emotions
But all I feel are the negative
Or none at all
On the rare occasion light shines through
And I can somewhat feel
But it does never last long
And when it goes away it becomes even darker
Alcohol gave false light
Made it as if I could see when I couldn't
Cutting made me forget why it was dark to begin with
But it lasted an even shorter time
The darker it gets the more suicidal I become
All I want is to be able to let light shine through
Theoretically I mean
I just want to be able to cope with how I feel
Be able to get through each day without having a breakdown
Be able to sleep without waking up even more depressed
Without waking up crying my eyes out
I'm tired of faking my emotions to people
To the people I care about especially
For me to be an alcoholic at such a young age
It's a horrible thing
My life is really messed up currently
I'm trying everything in my power to get back on the right path
Currently I'm over 40days sober
It's a hard journey to go through
I'm fortunate enough to have people help me
But it always seems like the people I want most to be there never are.
My depression is so deep-rooted now
After 6 years of residing in me
It's almost impossible to get rid
But I'm trying every day
Not for me
But for the ones I love
Because no matter how bad I feel
The people I care about
Will always mean the world to me

Can I just have you back now?
Could it be how it use to be?
I'm going crazy over here.
I can't stop missing you.
Missing how it use to be.
I miss those long conversations.
Being able to always call you mine.
Knowing I always had someone here for me.
When I truly needed someone.
So please?
Can we go back in time?
To the time when you were only mine.

They say to follow your heart when your mind disagrees
But I'm not sure if I should
My heart says that I miss you
I miss talking to you
And what we once had
But my mind says that I shouldn't
That I shouldn't care about you at all anymore
My heart begs me to try because you make me happy.
And my mind says don't, you'll just get broken again
That he doesn't actually care
That he never will
My heart argues back
Saying that's not true
He wouldn't speak to me if that was the case
Wouldn't say what they did if that was true
My mind reminds me though that even so it won't matter
The opportunity has long since passed.
It'll be impossible to get it back
My heart simply states...
Anything is possible if you try hard enough...
The question I ask though is should I try..?
Or I should I push you back away?

I sit here and watch as everything I hold dear fades from my grasp.
I'm disappearing into the shadows and I wish one of you would notice.
Although none of you ever do.
Most of the time it feels like I am slowly starting to die inside.
But the people I care most about don't even realize.
I wish they would truly care for once.
I never see anyone now a days.
I just sit at home.
As my friends are at school.
Like I use to do...
I'm thankful for my family though.
If it wasn't for them...
I would have ended this horrible suffering a long time ago.
Everyday is a constant struggle.
As I am holding back the tears in my eyes.
And blaring music to drown out my thoughts.
Of what I wish my life consisted of.
Instead of the mental misery that I live in now.
As the depression slowly grabs a tighter hold of me.

I feel dead inside.
Like the car door wasn’t the only thing that got crushed last night
I sat there staring out the window
I saw the other car come straight at me
I thought for sure that was the end of it
That I wouldn’t make it out of there alive
As I watched it head straight towards me,
I closed my eyes and waited for the impact
Everything happened in the matter of seconds
But it felt much longer than that

There's so much going on
And nobody understands
But everything has a purpose
And inside every purpose
There's a plan.

Could you do me a favor?
Could you come here.
And lay with me.
Hold me in your arms.
Protect me from all harm.
Love me.
Kiss me.
And never leave my side?
Could you do that?
Do that for me.
Could you please just come here.
And hold me as I sleep.
So the first and last thing I will see is your face.
First and last thing I hear is your voice.
Could you do me a favor?
And always be right next to me.
Holding my hand.
Calling me yours.
While you stare into my eyes.
That's all I want.
All I ask.
All I need.
Is for you to come here.
And hold me tight in your arms.
And promise that you are never going to let go.

All those nights together.
All the sun sets we sat and watched.
And the long talks we shared.
Staying up all night,
Till we saw the sun rise again.
Back when things were good.
When we were happy.
When we were never apart.
All those nights together.
The times that we shared.
Laughing,
Talking,
Kissing!
Just sitting there loving each others company!
All those nights that we shared.
Its sad that those times are now gone.
That things ended like they did.
I wonder if you too, Still think about those nights.

E asy is nonexistent.
S orrow is upon us all.
C ant escape from reality.
A ll the pain is coming back.
P eople are surrounding me.
E veryone has left me though.

F reedom is all I want.
R eal freedom.
O f a different sort than the one I posse.
M ental turmoil is what I want to escape from.

R eality *****.
E scaping is all I want.
A lthough I'm scared of letting go.
L ove has a hold upon me.
I wish it wasn't there.
T hough I doubt you know.
Y ou are what I hold most dear.

I see you over there.
Looking as perfect as ever.
Completely absorbed in what you are doing.
With the face of an angel you look up,
and smile straight at me.
Your eyes shining that amazing shade of green,
Staring right into the caramel color of mine.
I just sit there and smile back.
Wondering to myself,
How was I lucky enough to get you.
To be able to call you "My Love"
You're way to smart,
And way to perfect.
For someone as ordinary as I.
Yes, you have your faults.
But I don't care!
In my eyes you are more than perfection.
And I love you so...
Please, Never leave my side.

I feel like nothing constantly.
Like nobody gives a **** about me.
I have the lowest self-esteem ever.
But then again how could I not.
Everybody always leaves eventually.
And yes, I know they are not leaving me.
But thats always how it feels.
Everybody I ever start to really care about!
Dissapears...
My sister and I were always really close,
And I was just as close to her friends.
They were everything to me!
And then they all turned 18...
And moved away.
My brother has always been there.
ALWAYS!
He is one of my bestfriends.
And now he is leaving also.
I don't know how I am going to handle,
All of them...
Being gone now.
Because I still always had him.
I don't feel like I fit in with my friends.
Its been almost a year now,
And I still feel like an outsider.
I just feel like I am nothing.
And I don't fit in anywhere.

Theres somebody I know.
With the most amazing eyes you will see.
A body so perfect it makes you wanna scream.
Lips so full and a smile that you can spot a mile away.
Hair so thick and soft, it makes everyone full of jealously.
They have the most amazing personality you've ever meet.
And does the sweetest things.
With a humor that matches mine perfectly.
We all have that one person...
Who this describes almost perfectly.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You hate me...
And I'm in love with you!

I never expected this...
To have the type of friends I have.
To be  in the "pothead" crowd.
I never thought I would be as rebellious as I am
I never thought I would...
Party.
Get high.
Drink.
Sneak out.
Lie.
Steal.
Or any of the other **** I do.
I always thought that,
I would be like my sister...
Because I am so much like her!
But I'm not!
I am no where close to how she is.
I never expected it...
But then again,
I am defiantly not shocked by it!
I don't regret who I am at all!
I do all these things because I want to.
And for no other reason...
I love my friends!
And I am proud of who we all are.

Walking home from being with you.
It's 6am in the mid of winter.
The wind moving around with a numbing cold.
Snowflakes gently falling to the ground.
But still I smile.
I look around at all the street lights and,
See beauty everywhere I turn.
Feeling so happy.
So free.
The cold doesn't even touch me.
For you had finally gotten the courage,
To kiss me for the first time.
As I walk, I start to think.
Of all that has just pasted.
How you seemed so unsure of yourself at first.
How your lips felt like perfection against mine.
How kissing you made me feel so happy inside.
I think about everything.
Every touch,
Every thought,
Every breathe that had accord.
Every moment of being in your arms.
It makes me feel better than anything in this world.
The night was amazing.
Or well morning I guess...
I spent the whole time worrying.
But right now as I walk home.
I am so glad that I sneaked out to be with you.
As I keep walking the snow fall gets heavier with every second.
And the wind starts to pick up.
I have only two thoughts left on my mind
How hard it is to fall asleep without you there,
and how truly amazing you are.

You told me that I was "perfect".
That I am cute,
beautiful,
hot,
****,
gorgeous,
and more.
You told me and I quote...
"You have big *****,
a great ***,
**** legs,
an amazing torso,
and are beautiful."
You respected me and that I wasn't okay with certain things.
And told me I was worth the wait.
You told me I was a super genius.
You constantly told me that I am amazing.
And that you didn't understand how somebody like me....
Would go for somebody like you.
And yet you're the one who dumps me...
You told me that you had fallen for me!
That you had "hit the ground"
But yet you broke up with me for her...
Your ex girlfriend who you then tell me that you still really really love!!
That there is just something about her!!
You say that I am "perfect" and yet you chose her...
Little did you know that I hate compliments!
I hate them with a burning passion!
Because they are all I have heard my entire life,
Whenever people want something from me.
And they confuse the **** out of me!
Because I don't see myself that way...
And I never have.
I don't believe that I am smart...
But its be proven to me so many times I can't argue anymore.
I don't believe that I am pretty.
But I have been told so many times that I can't argue anymore.
And I especially don't believe I am "amazing"
No matter how many times people tell me otherwise.
I have the lowest self-esteem for somebody who is "perfect"
But why wouldn't I!!
Even though you say I'm "perfect" you still chose her...
Emotions always beat you no matter how "amazing" you are.
Unfortunately emotions are what I lack in...
How can somebody be "perfect" if they can't feel anything!
So I guess it makes sense that you picked her...
She can actually share her feelings with you,
Unlike me.
I understand though what its like to love somebody...
How there can just be something about that person that you adore.
But I let go of ever being back with the guy I felt that way about,
I let go when I started talking to you!
And you didn't let go of her...
It makes me wonder....
How amazing she is, to win you over the girl who everyone
Not just you tells that she is "perfect"
Like I said I have the lowest self esteem for somebody who is "perfect".....
And one day I hope to understand why...
To understand whats so wrong with me that nobody ever truly falls in love with me!
I really just needed to get all of this out of my system.... I am happy, that you are happy Parker! Or I would be happy if I had that emotion.... And as your best friend I do hope that everything works out between you too!

Why am I such a sucker for love.
Why do I always fall so quickly.
From the outside I seem so strong.
But in reality...
I am so vulnerable.
The smallest thing kills me inside.
From the outside it seems like nothing ever phases me.
But thats not true...
I fall so quickly,
And I brake even faster!
I've just learned how to hide it.
How to hide all of my emotions.
And never let people see inside of me.
Because every time I do...
I get hurt even more.
And my wall gets even tougher to crack.
But somehow somebody always manages to get through.
To hurt me yet again.
Whether they mean to or not...
But why do I do this to myself.
Always fall so hard for somebody,
Who doesn't fall for me.
Its this never ending cycle I put myself through.
Its like I purposely make myself miserable.
Why am I such a sucker for falling in love...
I''m just sorry that I was never able to,
Thank you for helping me feel emotions again.
And tell you that I am in love with you.

My dear
My sweetie
My darling
My baby
My favorite
My cutie
My idiot
My dork
My freak
My sweetheart
Honey
Babe
Lover
My love!!!!
These are all things I have called you before!
And they are all true!
Sooooooo....
May I just say that,
You are mine!!!
I love you!!

Feeling the blade.
Feel it run across your skin.
Slowly and steadily moving along...
More and more until the blood starts to appear.
Stopping before it gets to deep.
Scared...
Because it barely hurts...
Scared because you never thought,
It would come to this.
Never thought you would ever get bad enough,
To do something like this.
Being just so scared.
Finally making yourself stop.
Promising yourself to never do it again.
Not fully understanding why you did it in the first place.
And eventually regretting and trying to hide it.
Ashamed you let yourself get to that bad of a place.

Depression is a *****
And
It never truly goes away

Remember When...
You were mine.
When you and I walked side by side.
How your hand fit perfectly in mine.
Remember how it felt...
The first time you held me.
The first time we kissed.
How it felt...
Just to be near one another.
Remember all the conversations,
All the secrets and promises we shared.
All the times smiling and laughing together.
Remember When...
That's all I ask,
Just don't forget all the  times when you were mine

Stomach fluttering
Head swarming
Heart pounding
This is what happens every time...
I look at you
Every time I talk to you
My love for you is forever old
But feels like brand new
Every time I set my eyes upon you
You make my whole word spin
If only you knew
You're my wish I want to come true
You mean more to me than any before
If only you knew I still felt this way
I wonder would anything change?
I told you I had moved on...
Such a lie, I didn't know how you believed
Makes me question...
Do you still feel the same?
Since I know you did once long ago
But every thing has changed since
In my eyes you're perfection
Even with all your faults
I used to know some...
To say that you were my Romeo
I could keep going about all I feel
In regard to you
But this poem is getting kind of long
So I shall go with these final words...
Goodnight my love and sweet dreams

I'm that girl
The one who everyone goes to.
Who gives everyone the perfect advice,
Right when they need it.
Who can solve any and everyone's problems.
Who is there for anybody whenever they need me.
But who's own life and relationships are complete hell.
I can fix everyone else's problems but I can't fix my own.
It ***** being that girl...
Knowing that you helped the people,
around you get to where they are.
That you helped them all become happy.
Watched them escape from the mental hell they were in.
But not being able to do that for yourself.

I sometimes just wish I could cry...
And let go of everything.
Jut sob away all of my problems.
And then afterwards I will,
Finally be able to pick my self up...
And move on!
Thats all I want...
Is to not be able to feel like crying,
Whenever somebody is talking about him.
Its not my fault he is different now,
So why do I feel bad about him?
Just the thought of him half the time,
Makes me want to burst out in tears.
I have never seen anybodys...
"Vibe" change that much, so quickly before.
He drives me insane!
He is my only week spot.
And I hate it!
All I want more than anything in this world,
Is to move on,
To be done,
To not care,
To be free
I'm sick and tired of all of his bull!
Soooo this is it!
Some day I am going to cry...
I am going to sob it all away...
And be free, from him...
I'm going to get back up!
But until then...
I'm just going to be wishing,
That I could just cry.

Dreams.
So happy.
That when you wake up your sad.
Dreams.
So intense.
That you wish it is real.
Dreams.
About you.
About friends.
About life.
About family.
You dream about your wishes.
And the sad thing is I don't even realize...
That I'm wishing for that except for in my dreams.
I thought I had moved on from wanting that.
Until I couldn't stop dreaming about it.
I thought I had let go of hoping for it.
Until last night...
Dreams.
Just Wishing.
Just Wanting.
You.

I have two mottos:
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
AND
**** happens.

I have one favorite quote:
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

I have two rules:
NEVER regret anything!
AND
Stay as pure as possible.

These are the things that I live by.
This explains alot about who I am.
These are the main things about me.

Friends.
You love them.
You hate them
You care about them.
You want to **** them.
You do anything for them.
You'll die for them.
You'll lie for them.
Your always there for them.
You get mad.
You get annoyed.
You get jealous.
You get in fights.
You say things you don't mean.
You see who they actually are.
You not only see who they are...
You can see all the bad things about them...
You can see who they actually are!
And you don't care.
You don't care if they are obnoxious.
You don't care if they are jerks.
You love them anyways.
You'll be there for them no matter what.
They're always there for you.
You tell each other everything.
You keep each others secrets.
You become family.
You lose them and sometimes they come back.
You make new friends but still keep the old.
They're your friends!
They're your family!
They're the ones you can always count on.
You do stupid stuff together.
You make memories together.
You make mistakes together.
You get in trouble together
You're friends...

Silent like a box
Hiding inside your shell
Putting on a mask
Deep in your disguise
Never opening up
Holding everything in
Keeping all the secrets
Watching from the sidelines
Scared to be on the stage,
To show your true self
Always deep in thought
Showing no emotion
This is how you are...
At least when it comes to me

I can't escape from the thought of you.
Where ever I go and whatever I do.
You are always on my mind.
You are my last and first thought of the day,
and what I dream about every night.
The longer I go without seeing you, the worst it gets.
I am constantly reminded of memories of you.
There is never a moment anymore...
That you aren't on my mind.
I try to escape,
to distract myself from thinking of you....
I use to be able to go at least a few hours,
but now nothing works.
I am just stuck...
drowning in the thought of you.

I feel like I am always hiding.
Never showing the real me.
Never telling anybody how I feel or what I think.
I have always hidden inside and out.
I physically hide behind my long hair and spunky clothing.
I mentally hide behind this wall that I created long ago.
I hid from my friends, my family, and the one I love.
And as I am getting closer and closer
to all of these people for the first time...
I can feel this wall slowly start to crumble,
And it scares me like nothing has before.
I am slowly starting to talk more,
and get comfortable with everyone.
Escape from my shell, I guess.
I have always hidden, inside and out.
I honestly don't know how much longer it is going to last.
But I can tell it won't be that long.
And it scares me and makes me for the first time...
feel vulnerable and kind of raw in a way.
Part of me wants them to actually know who I am.
But I am scared...
I have always hidden inside and out
And I don't know what to do.
Should I give and let them in?
Or should I try to stay hidden?
And just wait for this wall to crumble?

Midnight came and pasted and all I am left with are my thoughts.
All my memories.
All my dreams.
All my pains.
All my plans and...
Most of all, all of my hopes.
When the sun goes down and everyone goes to sleep.
Its always just me left awake, the girl who never sleeps.
Stuck with only my thoughts.
I'm left thinking about my friends,
and family,
and school,
and him.
As my thoughts slowly start to suffocate me...
I start to cry.
Then I just lay there for hours.
Until I drift in to a forced sleep.
Finally free from my thoughts.
At least for a few more hours.

I can't breathe
I can't think
I can't eat
I can't sleep
All hope
All faith
All dreams
All emotion
All pain
Is gone from me
I don't feel anymore
I don't believe anything anymore
I'm just an empty shell if you will
An empty shell with a brain
I can see you
hear you
touch you
taste you
but none of it seems real
I walk through life day by day
Just going through the motions
Trying
Trying just to fit in
To pretend
To live
To care
Hoping no one can see my pain
How much it kills me to try
Each and every day
Just hoping to feel something again...

I see you walking down my street
and the sight of you is so **** sweet.
Every time I see your smile
My heart skips a beat.
You'll never know how I feel
but you're all I ever think about.
The thought of you is so **** sweet.
Everything about you is perfection to me...
your eyes
your voice
your look
your charm
I love everything about you
Even all the things I hate.
You are annoying
and cocky
and a complete and total ***
but none of that matters to me.
When it's just us...
your always so **** sweet.
I see the true you hidden behind all those layers.
At first you are the shyest
most socially awkward person in the world.
Then you get comfortable
and start to act like an ***
but underneath all that I know...
Your so **** sweet
and just perfect for me.